Monthly Archives: January 2014

Bill O’Reilly Laments Downfall of Western Civilizaton at the Hands of Personal Freedom

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NEW YORK-We here at the Times-Picayune could not let the week pass without reporting the latest abomination to spew from the lips of Fox News talking head and pompous ass Bill O’Reilly. O’Reilly is well-known for being vehemently against change of any sort. However, on Monday night Billy gave up all pretense of acting like a rational being as he sounded the clarion call for elderly white people the world over to take action against the deadly combination of personal freedom and technological progress.

O’Reilly began by blasting “the liberal media” for making pot glamorous and continued from there: “Teens using marijuana before the age of 18 are far more likely to develop psychosis, and one in six children who try pot will become addicted.” His lordship continued, “For more bad news, combine the drug aspect with the Internet. 33% of teenagers send more than 100 text messages a day and 66% say that their parents have imposed no rules regarding texting.”

O’Reilly concluded this chapter of his paranoid fantasy by saying “Young people in America are combining drugs, alcohol, and high-tech to build false lives and run away from reality. This is an epidemic that will lead to a weaker nation; anyone who tells you different is lying to you.”

But O’Reilly was not satisfied with warning us about this weird combination of supposed “threats” to our republic. Taking a page from Glenn Beck’s playbook he artfully weaved a conspiratorial tapestry of pseudo science, revisionist history, and wishful thinking into a horror so great that it would cause H.P. Lovecraft to cower in root cellar.

O’Reilly’s theory centers around the malevolent effects on society caused when personal freedom is combined with technological advancement. He believes that the synergy created by these two evil trends will in the end precipitate a cultural Armageddon from which there is no escape. O’Reilly zeroes in on the invention of the printing press in Germany by Gutenberg in 1450 (China was 400 years ahead of us) as being the single most destructive event in the history of western civilization.

“It allowed the spread and growth of literacy throughout Europe, a privilege that had rightly been reserved for representatives of the church,” said O’Reilly. “When ‘the folks’ started to learn how to read and slowly began to gain knowledge, serfdom was doomed, and the power of the Catholic Church began to deteriorate. It was only a matter of time until feudalism, a time-tested and church-approved way of life, was history.” At this point O’Reilly had to pause and wipe a tear from his eye.

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The steam locomotive was cited by O’Reilly as being a particularly evil invention as it “allowed people to travel anywhere they damn well pleased at minimal expense.”

O’Reilly composed himself and continued, “You see folks, increased knowledge walks hand in hand with a desire for liberty. More liberty and personal freedom breeds even more knowledge and with it comes technological innovation. It’s a hellish combination that causes a veritable avalanche of societal development that precipitates a ‘runaway freight train’ of progress.”

O’Reilly paused for effect as translucent nictitating membranes closed over his eyes. Then he said, “Progress in society inevitably makes reactionary sticks-in-the-mud such as you and me irrelevant. I have come to the conclusion that there is no hope for people like us.” At this point, obviously depressed and shaking uncontrollably, O’Reilly had to be helped off the set by his roommate and celibate life-partner Pat Buchanan.

Shortly after the conclusion of the broadcast, 911 operators across the United States were swamped by calls from predominately white nursing homes as thousands of O’Reilly viewers attempted suicide.

Chris Christie Denies Knowledge Of Aides Plans To Dynamite The George Washington Bridge

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TRENTON-At a press conference earlier today New Jersey Governor and GOP presidential hopeful Chris Christie denied any prior knowledge of his aides’ plans to dynamite the George Washington Bridge in the event of a Christie defeat in last year’s gubernatorial race.

“I am absolutely shocked to discover that any of my staff would be so vindictive,” said Christie. “We in the Republican Party have always been champions of the working class, and the destruction of the George Washington Bridge would have caused monetary loss to many of our citizens who commute to work every day in New York. It also would have caused a real hassle for some of my wealthy donors who don’t yet own helicopters, and more than likely would have had a negative impact on my presidential aspirations. All in all I think it was a bad idea.”

The crisis in the Christie administration was brought about by the recent publication of text messages and emails exchanged between two of Christie’s aides. The aides involved in the scandal are both childhood friends of Christie and have been part of his political team from the very beginning, when he ran his first campaign for student body president at Livingston High School.

The aides in question, Sylvio “The Baby Crusher” Soldano and Joey “Sausage Maker” Scarfo, were apparently worried about a Christie loss in the 2013 gubernatorial campaign despite an over 20 point lead in pre-election polls. Not being individuals who take losing lightly, the two concocted extensive plans for revenge on political figures who did not endorse Governor Christie, as well as their respective districts.

Fort Lee and its mayor, Mark Sokolich, were singled out as prime targets for retribution because Sokolich endorsed Democrat Barbara Buono over Christie in the general election which took place on November 5th. Fort Lee is also known as a “hotbed” for Democrat support, as are hundreds of other towns in New Jersey.

According to recently obtained transcripts of emails and text messages, in the event of a Buono victory, Soldano and Scarfo planned to first block all traffic and then use two tons of plastic explosives to demolish the New Jersey side of the bridge. They also had plans to detonate a Cold War era neutron bomb in the center of Fort Lee.

During questioning by the FBI, Soldano admitted that “We wanted to use the neutron device because it causes maximum loss of life while preserving most of the buildings and infrastructure so that they could be used by a friendly administration four years from now. Going with the neutron bomb would have allowed us to ‘take care of’ all those Buono voters without having to spend a bunch of dough on new construction contracts. We just thought of it as a slight ‘modification’ of the New Jersey landscape.”

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Artist’s rendering of Fort Lee after Soldano’s proposed “modifications”

After a half-hearted apology to Mayor Sokolich and the people of Fort Lee, Governor Christie closed the press conference by defending the actions of his long time aides. “Joey and Sylvio have been loyal team players for as long as I can remember. Sure, sometimes they go a little bit overboard, like the time they ‘disappeared’ my competition for student body president at UD, but they really are generous, fun-loving guys once you get to know them. I promise the good people of New Jersey and this great nation that I’ll give them a ‘good talking to’ about showing more discretion when using electronic communication devices.”

In response to a reporter’s question as he left the dais, Governor Christie vehemently denied persistent rumors that Scarfo had made kielbasa out of former New Jersey Secretary of Agriculture Vinnie Calzone, who has been missing for over six months.

Sunshine State Shocker: Federal Law Enforcement Authorities Manage To Do Something Useful

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ORLANDO-Citizens of the “Sunshine State” were left stunned this week after federal law enforcement agents took time off from drug-interdiction duties long enough to round up a group of miscreants in central Florida’s Osceola County. In a shocking deviation from the norm, federal agents participated in a well planned and effective sting operation that netted around a dozen members of a white supremacist group, “The American Front.”

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Marcus “Tyrannus” Paella, Obersturmfuhrer and trailer owner

The U.S. Justice Department has long considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are actually true. Combine that with the native population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a volatile combination.”

Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.

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Christopher “Scrotum Face” Brooks

The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”

After a laid back afternoon of barbecue, draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and ATF.

“We certainly did surprise them,” said Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of methamphetamine.

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Richard “Swamp Nazi” Stockdale

Local law enforcement officials were not surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.

Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella, Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.

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Diane “Hepatitis C” Stevens

According to court documents the group had planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of May Day activities this spring.

The property on which the American Front headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels leading nowhere. Sandbags and  railroad ties were stacked in defensive positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle ports but could just be caused by rats.

Marcus and Patricia Faella were released after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their henchmen were left to rot in jail.

Satan To Erect New Monument In Oklahoma City

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THE RIVER STYX-Exasperated by Bible Belt politics and an “overall lack of respect,” Satan has decided to erect a series of child-friendly monuments and statues of himself around the country, beginning in the very heart of Christendom, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. At a press conference just outside the Gates of Hell, Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar addressed a group of journalists and a sizable gathering of the legions of the damned.

“His Majesty Prince Lucifer feels that he has not been getting enough positive and uplifting press exposure lately. The recent actions of Kim Jong-un and Bashar Assad, as well the abhorrent behavior of Lord Satan’s disciples over at the Westboro Baptist Church, are really hurting our media image. These new monuments and statues are designed to fight all the bad press we have been getting for what seems like eons. Our Lord Mephistopheles has always had a weak spot for children, so the monuments will be designed so that the little darlings will be able to sit in his marble lap for photo ops.”

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Artist’s rendering of Satan’s new child-friendly monument design

Working through his loyal followers at the New York-based Satanic Temple, Lucifer unveiled the basic design for the new monuments on Monday. The design was submitted by a New York sculptor as part of a contest held this fall. The contest was open to all artists regardless of religious affiliation. “We did not want to face criticism that we were biased in favor of members of our own sect,” said Lord Balthazar. “We are an equal opportunity organization.”

Minos, Judge of the Dead, led a panel of distinguished personalities that made the final design decision. It included such luminaries as Dionysus, Keres, Asmodeus, and Harvey Keitel. The coveted first prize for the winning design included $100,000 in gold bullion, an all-expense-paid weekend in Vegas, a lifetime free pass at any location of Lucifer’s new chain of Asian massage parlors, and of course the prestige accrued as designer of what will no doubt become a tourist destination for millions of souls.

There are some obstacles to overcome before the monument can be placed at the Oklahoma statehouse, however. Although a monument listing the Ten Commandments sits on Capitol grounds now, having been installed in 2012, government officials and members of the Oklahoma Capitol Preservation Commission have steadfastly refused to allow any other religious group to erect a monument.

“We ain’t gonna let nobody start putting up false idols,” said Billy Bob McSneed, a state representative from Turdflip, Oklahoma. “Those crazy Hindus and Mooselems done already had their monuments rejected, and I’ll be gall-darned if we let the Devil put one up! We are hard workin’ and God fearin’ folks out here and we just ain’t gonna stand for any religious freedom. It just ain’t Christian.”

Lord Balthazar said that the Prince of Darkness was well aware of the obstacles involved in erecting the monument. However, he said that “Lord Satan has numerous friends in the Oklahoma State Legislature, as well as on the Federal Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals. It may take a while, and cost us a few favors, but we’ll get ‘er done.”

Indiana Lynn And The Trailer Of Doom

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FRANKLIN-This time of year, the hubbub of bowl games, the NSA’s latest abominations, and Fox News’ continuing obsession with Obamacare can easily drown out really interesting news items. However, we here at the Times-Picayune like to keep our loyal readers informed. One such news story concerns Ms. Bonita Lynn Vela of Franklin, Indiana. Ms. Vela, an amateur vivisectionist specializing in home castration techniques, was arrested after she apparently attempted the impromptu emasculation of an unwilling participant.

The alleged victim was the boyfriend of one of her female spawn. For obvious reasons the gentleman prefers to remain anonymous. It seems that after smoking a small quantity of what must have been some excellent weed, Ms. Vela became a little suspicious of her potential son-in-law’s activities, and like any red-blooded American mom, she took decisive action.

According to reports Vela lured the unsuspecting dude to her trailer where she and two henchmen detained him for over three hours. During this “unlawful confinement” Ms. Vela used “enhanced interrogation techniques” to determine whether the gentleman had attempted to molest her two-year old son or had in any way “messed with her daughter.”

The unfortunate victim vehemently denied any such activity, which is quite understandable considering Ms. Vela was threatening to remove or at the very least disfigure his manhood. He told deputies that he then heard the question feared by men around the world: “Your penis or your life, which will it be?”

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Ms. Vela seen here after approximately seven days without sleep

After pondering his options for a few moments Mr. X decided on life. At that point Ms. Vela used a box-cutter obtained at a nearby Dollar Store to slice his penis with a “masterful diagonal stroke showing great skill and dexterity,” according to Henchman “A.” Henchman “B” added, “Bonita has practiced many long hours and put in as much work perfecting her craft as a Samurai warrior. She really is a pleasure to observe. It’s like poetry in motion.”

Mr. X was then released and told to “have a nice day.”

After neighbors in the “Abandon All Hope RV Park” complained to the sheriff’s department of “unusually loud screams, even for this place” deputies arrived at the scene. When questioned, Vela admitted to smoking a little pot, but could not remember if she had consumed any other drugs in the immediate past.  She also admitted that she had “a little come-to-Jesus” meeting with her daughter’s boyfriend.

Ms. Vela was swiftly arrested and transported to the Johnson County Detention Center where she was interrogated by Chief Inspector Pagan Morse, Detective Harry “Snapper” Organs (on loan from Q Division), and Cardinal Fang, liaison officer from the Vatican. Ms. Vela freely admitted that she masterminded the abduction and “interview” of Mr. X. She also admitted that she used some “unorthodox procedures,” but that they were required given the circumstances.

“After the fork failed to draw blood, I had to opt for the box-cutter, said Vela. “I want that S.O.B. to think of me every time he becomes aroused.”

Inspector Morse then suggested that if Mr. X thought of her first, the poor guy would never get aroused again.

Ms. Vela has been charged with battery with a deadly weapon, criminal confinement with a deadly weapon, and failure to comprehend any concepts beyond a third-grade level.

Jang Song Thaek Wins Gold Medal and Sets New North Korean Endurance Record

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PYONGYANG-Jang Song Thaek, uncle of Kim Jong-Un, North Korea’s “Dearest Most Compassionate Empathetic Loving Leader,” managed to stay alive a full sixty minutes before succumbing to wounds suffered during his recent lengthy execution. Jang was thus awarded the coveted gold medal for “Endurance During an Execution Before Expiration.” The medal was awarded posthumously and will proudly be placed on the wall of his widow’s hovel.

A sportswriter for the Pyongyang Daily Bugle told us that the method of execution was critical for Jang’s successful bid for the record. “It appears that Jang was stripped naked and slowly ripped to pieces by starving Alsatian canines,” said the reporter, whose name is being withheld lest he be fed alive to driver ants imported from Africa. Jang’s competition consisted of several aides and close associates, but none could match his impressive sixty minute survival time. “Jang showed great strength and courage, along with nimble feet for a man his age,” said the reporter. But there were a few dissenting voices on the peninsula.

“There have been a few complaints, anonymous of course, that Jang had an unfair advantage and should not hold the endurance record on top of winning the gold,” said the reporter. “For example, past winners of the gold were obliterated with anti-aircraft guns, fired out of cannons, or immolated with napalm. How could they be expected to compete with being slowly dismembered by dogs? Some believe that there should be a totally different category of execution competition solely dedicated to being eaten alive by ravenous animals.”

Guard dog, Alsation, aggressive dog, Alsation guard dog barking and straining at the leash. Image shot 2010. Exact date unknown.

The use of huge starving dogs in an execution was praised by an appreciative North Korean public as being both “efficient and artistic”

However, no criticism of the event was voiced by the nearly 300 government officials who witnessed the competition. “Our Dearest Blessed Compassionate Fair Kind Attractive Rebounding All-Star Point Guard Leader provided us with free Tsingtao and popcorn for the event,” said Pak Pong-ju, current Premier of Cabinet. “We could not have had a better time. It was a true pleasure seeing these shadowy political figures give their all in this glorious competition! Their hard work and dedication should be an example to all North Koreans.”

With the help of diplomat Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong-un has campaigned tirelessly to have various execution events included in the upcoming 2030 Winter Olympic Games to be held in Pyongyang, but so far the treasury has been unable to come up with the requisite bribe money for the Olympic Committee. It seems that budget constraints have interfered with the effort. “We have to keep our priorities in order,” said Kim. “Producing a rocket that can carry a nuclear payload more than five or six miles has to come first.”

Development of an accurate rocket that does not spontaneously combust on the launch pad or explode harmlessly over the Pacific Ocean has been a problem due to the high mortality rate of foreign-educated North Korean missile technicians. “It takes a lot of cash to have these dudes trained and sneak them back in from Iran,” said Kim. However, the Glorious Rock Star Studmaster Kind Forgiving Leader has announced plans to cut back on the “overly generous” food rations provided to the North Korean citizenry, thus allowing the treasury to come up with enough funds to achieve both goals.

“Mommy, why does that homeless man glow in the dark?”

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TOKYO-In an apparent attempt to “kill two birds with one stone,” the Japanese government, via construction companies and the Japanese Mafia, is using homeless men to clean up highly radioactive debris in the area surrounding the Fukushima nuclear power plant. The plant was of course devastated by the Tohoku earthquake and subsequent tsunami on March 11th, 2011, leaving a large area contaminated with radioactive isotopes.

The cleanup of radioactive debris is a monumental problem that is expected to take as long as 50 years and is already three years behind schedule. The Japanese government has awarded contracts to the private sector worth billions of dollars to aid in the effort. Obayashi, Japan’s second-largest construction company, is one of many benefiting from the taxpayer money.

Recently it has been revealed that Japan’s three largest and most creative criminal syndicates, Yamaguchi-gami, Sumiyoshi-kai, and Inagawa-kai, have set up recruiting agencies to supply Obayashi and other construction companies with cheap labor in the form of homeless and otherwise desperate human beings. The unfortunate recruits receive less than minimum wage after the ingenious gangsters take their share of the loot.

A spokesman for Yamaguchi-gami, Mr. Tojo Yamamoto, stated “This system is great victory for everyone involved. Construction companies happy, gangsters happy, homeless drunks happy, government happy. We all velly happy!”

Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly praised the effort, saying that it just goes to show how “damn industrious those wacky Orientals are.” He continued, “It really warms my heart to see corporations force the downtrodden into performing life-threatening tasks for such low pay.”

United States Chamber of Commerce president Nelson Robberbaron agreed. “I can remember when U.S. corporations used to go to Japan to study the highly efficient production and management practices of Sony and Toyota. Now, the Japanese are imitating us! The union of corporate America with the GOP is finally bearing fruit. For example, experts from all over the world are coming here to study how we manage to exploit poor whites while convincing them to vote against their economic interests. It makes me feel good that America is at the leading edge of at least one trend!”

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Japanese government officials deny any radiation hazard around Fukushima despite numerous reports of unusual sea creatures in the area

Japanese government officials played-down the role of gangsters in the hiring process as well as the dangers involved. In a statement released earlier this week, Prime Minister Shinzo Abe’s office said that the “rumors suggesting that the homeless were being exploited were overblown,” and reports of high radiation levels surrounding the Fukushima plant and in the sea water nearby were “wildly exaggerated.” The statement painted a very optimistic picture of the cleanup efforts, stating that the entire area should be ready for human habitation no later than the year 3015.

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