Before frying foods on a gas range, always spread out a shitload of newspaper for easy cleanup after fire and ambulance crews have departed

Always check the manufacturer’s date on every fucking item you purchase from chewing gum to bottled water

Keep pets in a kennel from birth till death so they will not mess up the house

Vacuum stove after every use

Be sure to drain pool every evening and refill it every morning so the brats next door don’t break in and drown while you are trying to sleep

Always triple-check the locks on every door and window in your home at least seven times before retiring each night. Remember, safety first!

Never risk injury to yourself: you are far too important. Be sure to recruit your elderly parents or grandparents to complete hazardous tasks such as reorganizing seldom used cabinets

Always hide porn in a place where kids can’t find it

Worry about things that are you are unable to control

Predict disastrous outcomes for every idea or project someone else comes up with

Always try to control the thoughts and actions of those around you, especially loved ones. Remember, your opinion means more than everyone else’s put together

Try to spend most of your adult life locked inside your home cleaning and scrubbing things that are already clean. Avoid uncontrolled environments like the out-of-doors. You can learn all you need to know about the world from Fox News

Most importantly, be sure to always project a negative, pessimistic attitude and try to drag down those around you into a pit of despair