Monthly Archives: February 2014

Florida Cops Jailed Because Of “Slightly Unusual Activity”

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Editor’s Note: We realize that this story will be old news to most of  our readers in Greater Cretonia but being the subversive liberals that we are we could not resist kicking off our week-long salute to Florida law enforcement with this gem. So enjoy!

LAUDERHILL, FL-A May 24th, 2012 traffic stop eventually led to disaster for the two police officers pictured above. Officer Thomas Merenda (left) and Officer Franklin Hartley (right) were jailed earlier last year for actions that a police spokesman called “a little outside the realm of normal police duties.”

It seems that two women were pulled over by Officer Merenda and told to follow him into a nearby parking lot. The women had been drinking at one of the over six dozen strip clubs located in the area. As frequenting strip clubs is a common and encouraged practice within the state, the women were perplexed as to the reason for the stop. Officer Merenda informed the women that although he appreciated their interest in the female anatomy, he could not tolerate their obviously high blood-alcohol level and threatened to jail them if they did not “cooperate.”

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Officer misconduct often stems from the manner in which new officers are recruited. This recruiting poster for Bay County was accompanied by an ad in the local paper touting the job saying “Be your own boss! Get the best dope! Company car provided with a variety of weapons and a go-go cage for late night entertainment! More info at iwannabeacop.org

Apparently fearing that he was not man enough to handle two “wildcats” at the same time, Officer Merenda contacted his buddy Officer Hartley for backup. Hartley arrived shortly thereafter and the party commenced. According to arrest reports, Hartley ordered one of the lucky gals to perform oral sex on him. This done, he then proceeded to have intercourse with the woman in the vacant parking lot, which of course is considered a very romantic setting by many citizens throughout Greater Cretonia.

Officer Merenda, being the more unconventional of the pair, demanded that the other woman “punch him in the nuts.” By this he meant that he wanted the woman to strike his groin area with great force and enthusiasm with her fist or any handy blunt instrument. The woman complied with Officer Merenda’s wishes and everyone went home happy. Or so the officers thought.

Later, the women reported the incident to authorities and an investigation was reluctantly begun. It seems that copious evidence proving the veracity of the women’s statement was uncovered in the form of women’s undergarments, DNA, etc., at the crime scene. The GPS monitors on the officer’s cruisers confirmed that the party in the parking lot lasted roughly an hour and a half.

A spokesman for the Lauderhill Police Department told reporters that information had been uncovered regarding Officer Merenda’s masochistic tendencies and that somehow he had slipped through the screening process. “We really like our officers to be a little more conventional when it comes to their sexual preferences. However, we want to emphasize that the department is not here to tell anyone, including our officers, what they should do within the privacy of their own bedroom or in any nearby parking lots.”

After exhaustive research (one Google search) we here at the Times-Picayune have been unable to determine if the case has yet gone to trial. The officers were arrested last August. The case and charges against the officers may have been “disappeared” as is so often the case in Florida. Officer misconduct, as we shall see over the next week, continues to be a problem throughout Cretonia because of low pay, long hours and hazardous working conditions offered to young officers. It is not easy policing a population that reminds one of a pack of Neandertals drinking Budweiser and packing automatic weapons. However, “hope springs eternal,” and we all optimistically await a bright and sunny future for Florida. (If we manage to elect some Democrats)

Demon Cat Update: Authorities Now Searching For Canine Accomplice

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“Gus” phoned Atlanta Police and claimed he was innocent of wrongdoing and only got mixed up with “Nosferatu” when he answered an ad in the Journal Constitution entitled “Henchmen Needed.” However, photographic evidence seems to tell a very different story.

ATLANTA, GA-Law enforcement authorities in Atlanta have issued a new bulletin regarding the be-headings and massive loss of life suffered within the city in recent weeks. It seems that the deadly and malevolent feline “Nosferatu” has not been operating solo. According to an anonymous tipster, a vicious dachshund named “Gus” has been helping the cat perpetrate its murderous rampage.

The dachshund’s owners, Bruce and Deena Becker, have flatly denied that “Gus” had any role to play in the reign of terror that has descended on the city in recent weeks. “Gus is a sweetheart and would never even harm a fly,” said Mrs Becker. “We raised him to be a perfect gentleman and he would not be caught dead carousing with some homicidal feline.” Mr. Becker was unavailable for comment because his short attention span precludes the use of telephonic devices.

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This carcass was found on the Homeland Security Headquarters’ doorstep with a sloppily-written note that said “Watch out holmes! We’re coming for you next! There was no signature, just a paw-print in blood

The Becker’s denials of wrongdoing notwithstanding, veteran reporters from UPI have produced photographic evidence from within the combat zone that points to the dachshund’s involvement. It seems that “Gus” has been cooperating with “Nosferatu” for over two months. He has a slightly different MO in that he prefers to decapitate his victim and parade around with the corpse in his mouth in order to instill terror in the residents who are still alive.

“We have not seen this level of savagery since Ray Lewis was in town for Superbowl XXXIV,” said Atlanta Police Chief George Turner. This dastardly dachshund must think he’s Robespierre or something. There are human heads on pikes all up and down Peachtree Street. First the ice storms and now this horror! We need the Feds to get here with help as fast as they can.”

Always the optimist, Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed stated at a recent press conference, “I know the situation seems bleak at this time, but just think of all the extra business Publix and Kroger have done over recent weeks. That means extra tax dollars for our community. Plus, with everyone absolutely terrified to go outdoors, traffic has been excellent! I’m sure that when the army arrives late next week all will return to the normal chaotic state of affairs.”

Editor’s note for our readers within the State of Florida: The correct spelling of the breed of dog in question is indeed dachshund and NOT dash-hound!

Demon Cat Terrorizes Downtown Atanta

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“Nosferatu” paralyzes victims with his hypnotic gaze before dealing the death-blow and devouring them

ATLANTA, GA-A murderous demon-possessed feline is on the loose in Atlanta and is wreaking havoc in neighborhoods  along the I-20 corridor and nearby downtown connector. Little Five Points has been evacuated and Midtown is next. Residents of Metro Atlanta have been advised to buy huge quantities of milk and bread and stay in their homes.

“This is one hell of a lot more dangerous situation than a measly ice storm,” said Mayor Kasim Reed. “We have called out the national guard and have armored units surrounding the capital complex and the Centers for Disease Control. I want to emphasize that citizens should not stare blankly out their windows like they did at the snow because this monster takes control of your body using its hellish-looking eyeballs.”

The reign of terror began around six months ago when the cat’s owners, Matt and Susie McClendon, noticed that their adopted feline was bringing in an inordinate number of chipmunks and small rodents, then devouring them whole on the kitchen table. “First it was chipmunks and mice,” Mr. McClendon said. “Then it was raccoons, possums and foxes. It was when “Nosferatu” dragged in the neighbor’s 90 lb pit bull, ‘Killa’, that we became a little concerned. When the cat murdered and ate the couple across the street we felt like we had to inform the authorities.”

Susie McClendon added, “One day I found our maid in some kind of fugue state just staring at the wall with the vacuum in one hand. Nosferatu was on a nearby table getting ready to pounce. I barely had time to help her into her car and get her out of here. It was harrowing.”

All efforts to end the bloodbath have so far failed. A team of scientists at nearby Georgia Tech are working around the clock in the school’s fallout shelter to come up with some kind of weapon that will slow the cat down, but hope for saving the city is dwindling with every passing hour. The body count topped 25,000 Homo sapiens and untold numbers of other mammals over the weekend.

Federal authorities have been notified and are currently debating the use of an 80’s era neutron bomb. President Obama has appealed for calm in Atlanta as civil authority falls apart. Mayor Reed stated at a press conference on Monday,”Well that’s damn easy for him to say from the safety of Washington D.C. Let him come down here and let this fucking crazy cat get medieval on his ass. I bet he would be singing a little different tune then!”

Bluegrass Shocker: Snake-Handling Preacher Dies Of Snakebite

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Pastor Coots in happier times “struttin’ his stuff” with an eastern diamondback named Eleanor

MIDDLESBORO, KY-Residents of Kentucky and members of the Christian Right were left stunned yesterday when news leaked out that Pentecostal preacher and unhinged human being Jamie Coots died of snakebite late Saturday night. Coots was bitten during a worship service with his congregation (and numerous deadly reptiles) earlier that day.

Coots was the pastor of the Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus Name church in Middlesboro. Coots and his family have been featured on several television shows, including National Geographic’s “Snake Salvation.” His son Cody Coots told reporters that after the bite Pastor Coots went to the restroom for a while and then went home to lie on the sofa and pray. “Coots the Younger” told reporters that Daddy-O had been bitten eight times before but had always come out “just peachy-keen” and raring for more. “That’s what happened every other time, except this time it was just so quick and it was crazy, it was really crazy,” Coots said.

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Freddie “Copperhead” Dullard, Pastor of the Our Lady of the Deadly Snake Cathedral and Chain Saw Repair Shop in Sand Mountain, Alabama is another pit viper enthusiast

Yes Cody, really, really, crazy. In fact, bordering on fucking insane.

Snake handling, an almost exclusively red state phenomenon, stems from Bible verses which seem to encourage the ridiculous and unwise activity as a show of one’s faith in God. In fact Mark 16:18 gives blanket immunity to the faithful: “They shall take up serpents (any one of the several venomous snakes inhabiting the former Confederacy); and if they drink any deadly thing (Budweiser), it shall not hurt them (financially); they shall lay hands on the sick (crazy as hell), and they shall recover (move out-of-state).

We contacted Pat Robertson, expert on all things religious, to clarify just what was going on here. “Well we know several things for sure. The Bible is the unassailable and literal word of God, and it clearly states that the “anointed” will not be harmed by snakes. So my hypothesis is that God and Coots must have had some kind of falling out. He obviously was “anointed” at some time because he survived all those earlier bites, but it seems he must have lost his accreditation somewhere along the line, but this is above my pay grade. You better contact the Pope or someone higher up in the administration.”

Taking Pat’s advice to dig deeper, we contacted the Archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) for further clarification (the Pope was busy feeding the destitute). Gabriel said that Coots had indeed lost his immunity because he had not paid his premium in over 90 days and at the time of the bite was not covered for herpetological mishaps. He stated, “I don’t know where these morons get all these crazy ideas anyway. I mean, who in the hell thinks The Boss would want you dance around a dilapidated trailer home with a bunch of rattlesnakes. It’s absolutely nutty. As for the “literal truth” of every word in the Bible, well all I can say is, there’s a sucker born every minute.”

In Honor Of Black History Month Manatee County Florida Eliminates Minority-Heavy Polling Places

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Name tags are usually worn to identify members of the board

MANATEE COUNTY, FL-At a public meeting last Tuesday, the Manatee County Board of Commissioners voted 6-1 to trim the number of voting precincts within the county in order to “save money” and offer more early voting sites “sometime in the future.” The vote was along party lines, with the only “no” vote coming from the single Democrat on the board. The proposal was put forward by Supervisor of Elections and part-time Obergruppenfuhrer Mike Bennett.

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Republican members of the Board of Commissioners were unmoved by speeches made against the proposal

The move will cut in half the number of polling places in District 2, which is minority-heavy. During the public comment section of the meeting all ten speeches opposed the proposal. The local chapter of the NAACP and the Southern Christian Leadership Council also opposed the move.

Mr. Bennett brushed aside objections by saying that “District 2 had received preferential treatment in the past,” and it was time that they pulled their own weight. He said, “If the folks in District 2 are just too lazy and shiftless to wait six or seven hours in line in order to vote, then to hell with them.”

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Mr. Bennett appeared before reporters sans his trademark hood

Mr. Bennett has long been an advocate of making it difficult for blacks and other minorities to vote. In 2011 and 2012 he backed “election reform” bills designed to make it harder for Democrats in general and blacks in particular to vote in statewide elections. The new law resulted in long lines outside polling places all over Florida. Mr. Bennett was unmoved by the long lines and said to a group of reporters, “I want the people of Florida to want to vote as bad as that person in Africa who’s willing to walk 200 miles…This should not be easy.”

Mr. Bennett then excused himself and left the meeting because, according to an aide, he had a late-night rally to attend in a nearby field.

After Moving Testimony, Case Goes To Jury In Latest Florida ‘Stand Your Ground’ Trial

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In early 2013 a Florida jury found these citizen-shooters innocent of wrongdoing because the black folks in question were illegally parked in a handicapped zone

JACKSONVILLE-The judge, jury, and many of the citizens of Cretonia were left in tears Tuesday after hearing Michael Dunn’s poignant testimony during his trial for the murder of 17-year-old Jordan Davis, who was shot to death by Dunn during an altercation at a gas station.

Dunn explained that he politely asked an SUV full of teenage blacks to “turn down their trashy jungle music so I could hear myself think.” The request led to a spirited debate between Dunn and what he called “that gang of thugs.” Dunn went on to explain that the group was hurling “hurtful epithets” and they sought to “disparage me and my girlfriend with slanderous lies and malignant untruths.” Dunn continued, “They cast aspersions on my character and tried to denigrate me in front of everyone at the 7-11. It began to be too much for me to bear. I felt the sting of their verbal attack all over my body. It was really beginning to hurt my feelings.”

According to witnesses, Dunn then began to empty “his nine” into the carload of unarmed kids. “I asked Rhonda for the bazooka but the dumb tart handed me one of our pistols instead. I felt I had no choice but to empty the entire ten-round clip into the SUV just to be on the safe side.” The driver of the aggrieved SUV managed to get moving at this point and “got the fuck out of there.”

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Michael Dunn is a computer programmer and has only recently taken up the popular Cretonian pastime of gunning-down unarmed minority youths

Dunn testified that he then went back to his hotel with his fiancée Rhonda Rouer, ordered a pizza and watched an episode of Duck Dynasty before peacefully falling asleep. He did mention he had some stomach upset but attributed that to the pizza. He did not bother to alert the police of the incident because “hell, this is Florida and things like this happen every day.”

Mr. Dunn expressed absolutely no remorse for his actions but became quite emotional when he wondered aloud what would happen to his puppy if he were convicted. The dog, a 7 month old German Shepherd named Goebbels, is currently being cared for by members of his family.

Dunn’s attorney, an Italian gentleman named Diabolo Advocato, told reporters that Dunn was completely innocent of all charges because the “Stand Your Ground” law and the decision in the Trayvon Martin case made it clear that, in Florida at least, it was “open season” on unarmed teenage minorities. “I am confident that this jury will come back with the correct decision and set my client free,” said Advocato. The odor of sulfur hung in the air long after Mr. Advocato had left the podium.

Flowers and letters of support have been arriving at the courthouse and at Dunn’s home from people all over Florida. Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson even took time off from promoting her small role in the latest bizarre and delusional Christian persecution flick to praise Dunn’s courage to take the stand in his own defense.

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Mr. Advocato during closing arguments

Perhaps Dunn’s most fervent supporter has been Wayne LaPierre, President of the National Rifle Association. When reached for comment LaPierre stated, “We are all pulling for Mike. The only criticism I have of the situation is that the weapon of choice when blasting a carload of blacks is an AR-15 with an extended clip, or at the very least a military model automatic shotgun. Everyone knows that. But other than that, I have no complaints regarding Mr. Dunn’s actions.”

As mentioned above, the case has now gone to the jury and they are deliberating. No one knows how long they will be out or what the decision will be. However, in closing arguments Dunn’s lawyer did make it clear that if the jury came back with a guilty verdict “they would have hell to pay.”

Local Woman Wins Gold In Sochi!

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olympicSOCHI- Defuniak Springs, a sleepy hamlet in the heart of the Cretonian Panhandle, is home to our latest Olympic champion. The coveted gold medal in Winter Nagging went to resident Charlotte Ratched, a probation officer and part-time nurse at the facility where her husband is an outpatient. It’s the biggest news to hit the area since the Panhandle Possum Festival moved to nearby Wausau.

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Mrs Ratched in training with her beleaguered husband last fall

The obscure Olympic event was held at various isolated cabins in the snowy mountains north of the main venues. It consists of a female contestant being placed in an icebound cabin along with a retired USMC drill sergeant. The contestant who forces the retired Marine to beg for mercy in the shortest period of time wins the event. No physical contact is allowed and the event is closely monitored by judges via closed circuit cameras.

Mrs Ratched used derisive sarcasm, unrelenting mockery, caustic ridicule and venomous scorn to drive the poor drill sergeant to push the panic button in less than one hour. Her whining complaints, gripes, and grumbling could be heard over 3/4 of a mile away at the next cabin. By the time security reached the cabin Staff Sergeant Max Slaughter was standing at the edge of a precipice preparing to jump.

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Leonia Wilson from Detroit, Michigan won the silver medal

Mrs Ratched’s husband Bill was unable to attend the medal ceremony but we reached him by phone at the Walton County Mental Health Center just outside Defuniak Springs. “We are so proud of her. She has finally proved that she is the very best at what she does every day and night of her life. There is no subject known to science on which she is not an expert. She offers direction, instruction, and criticism on any and every project we ever do around here, regardless of her lack of experience. The woman is for all practical purposes omniscient.”

Her coach, right-wing pundit Ann Coulter, was equally proud. “This woman has overcome a below average IQ and little formal education to reach the summit in her chosen sport and pastime. It reminds me so much of myself. I just can’t tell you how pleased we are.” Ms Coulter spent countless hours teaching Ratched the fine art of unfounded criticism, irrational attack, and acidic backbiting. Coulter will likely be credited with pushing Ratched over the top by revealing to Charlotte her secret method of minimal caloric intake in order to induce a constant state of irritability that is vital for competition-level nagging.

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Jamie Watkins from nearby Montgomery, Alabama was in the running for a medal but was disqualified for using “banned devices”

A gala welcome home festival is planned in Defuniak next week. The three major employers in the area, Walmart, the Florida Department of Corrections, and Jim Bob’s Leisure Suits, Taxidermy, and Small Engine Repair will sponsor the event.

Editor’s Note: Readers that grew up in the area may remember Bill Ratched as Bill Jones. He assumed his wife’s last name when they were married seven years ago. Bill told our reporter he did it out of respect, but his therapists think it was done out of “abject fear.” He is known around town simply as “Schmuck.” Rumors that Mr. Ratched was recently found in his garage with his car’s engine running cannot be confirmed at this time. Mr. Ratched was supposedly found after an incident at a local Pizza Hut in which Charlotte “got medieval on his ass.”

Woman Abducted From Florida Trailer Park By Intruders Wielding Holograms

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MARTIN COUNTY, CRETONIA-Sheriff’s deputies responded to a call from a distressed 53 year male Friday night who claimed his wife had been abducted by shadowy figures who “used signals to project holograms on the walls to get him to do what they wanted and to communicate with each other.”

The agitated man, who was wielding a Louisville slugger, told cops that the intruders had forced his wife to leave their trailer and walk “like a zombie” to his auntie’s trailer located on the other side of the Kooky Moon RV Park where all these characters dwell. Both the husband and wife said that the “intruders used holograms to trick them into thinking they were in the house and then chased them to the aunt’s trailer several lots down.”

The aunt told deputies that the woman in question was “seeing people and animals at her trailer that were not there.” After a thorough investigation law enforcement authorities were unable to confirm the story, as all three individuals appeared to be under the influence of alcohol or “some other substance.”

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“Dances with Holograms” demonstrates his patented expedient gas mask to be used in home defense

The manager of the trailer park told deputies that she intended to evict the couple “very soon.” She said, “I thought everything had died down a bit since the last incident. A few weeks ago I found the dude patrolling the park with a handgun and his wife sitting in the street claiming she was digging for gold because they had misjudged their daily dose of methamphetamine. I would have already gotten rid of them but I feel sorry for the gal. She looks like someone beat unholy hell out of her with the ugly stick.”

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“Strange Woman Who Digs in Street”

The Martin County Sheriff’s Department refused to release the couple’s names but our sources in the area report that they are well-known by the employees of the nearby Seminole Nation casino and alligator farm resort complex as “Dances with Holograms” and “Strange Woman Who Digs in Street.”

“Dances with Holograms” told deputies that things had been looking up lately because he had partnered with George Zimmerman in a new business which offers drones armed with AGM-114 Hellfire missiles for neighborhood watch and defense. The motto of the new company is “Launch First and Ask Questions Later.” The two are actively seeking venture capital for the project.

As of this printing the couple have not been charged by law enforcement because all of the activity observed at the park is par for the course in most areas of Florida.