Monthly Archives: April 2014

Florida Lawmakers Jump On Secession Bandwagon As Wave Of Demonic Possession Spreads To Southeast

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oklahomasecede

Cretonia’s best and brightest made time to get out and join the protests

TALLAHASSEE (CT&P) – Members of the Florida state senate and house voted overwhelmingly to secede from the Union yesterday at an emergency session called by Governor and Aztec Snake God Rick Scott. The action was taken in response to the wave of Cosmos related demonic possessions currently sweeping the state.

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Spokesthing Billy Joe “Turd” Ferguson of Toxic Cove, Florida told reporters that he was quite handsome before viewing two episodes of Cosmos

The possession and transformation of ordinary American citizens into characters from a Lovecraftian nightmare began in Oklahoma and has been spreading to other parts of the Bible Belt at “warp speed.”

Screenings of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s new show are apparently causing a variety of mental disorders, weird behavior, and physical metamorphosis among children and weak-minded adults from Oklahoma City all the way to the outskirts of South Beach.

Right-wing religious zealots have been protesting en masse to try to get the show pulled from Fox’s lineup out of fear that all order will soon collapse and chaos will reign across the United States. However, since Fox has thus far refused to take the popular and informative show off the air, the “confederacy of dunces” has switched tactics and has begun pushing for secession.

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Michelle Lamprey of Sudafed Springs was a normal Florida housewife with three kids and a manageable weekend meth habit before Cosmos aired

A spokesman for the protestors, Billy Joe “Turd” Ferguson, told reporters that “We are not gonna just stand by and see our archaic and outdated religious beliefs be questioned by some smarty-pants who thinks he knows everything just ’cause he went to college!”

“We think that secession from the Union would allow us to set up our own radio and television stations that we can tightly monitor and control just like in China or North Korea,” said Turd. “That way, if anyone says anything that disagrees with the Bible we can burn them at the stake or lash them to barges in the Mississippi until the heretics ‘see the light.’ We can always sink the barges as a last resort.”

Scientists from around the world are scrambling to try to come up with an explanation for such a weird reaction to a television show based on science and reason.

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Little Suzie Creamcheese was a cheerful and outgoing student at Sinkhole Middle School before watching Cosmos in science class. Now she lives in a shopping cart.

“A significant percentage of citizens in the Bible Belt are hypersensitive to any ideas hatched at any time after the Middle Ages,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, of the Banzai Institute in New Brunswick, New Jersey. “They prefer to go on believing that some unseen force controls the universe and we damn sure better worship it in order not to incur its wrath. It’s really weird.”

Dr Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems concurred, saying “We have long studied the habits and culture of the monkey-boys inhabiting this so-called ‘Bible Belt.’ We find their obstinate dedication to ancient ritual and belief in the supernatural quite amusing. It gives us Red Lectroids hope that one day we will indeed crush you humans and finally get our butts off this rock.”

The Obama administration is of two minds on the secession issue. On the one hand secession from the Union is clearly unconstitutional and could lead to all sorts of problems, not the least of which would be bloody armed conflict. On the other hand many members of the administration and other politicians would be more than happy to see the State of Florida become someone else’s problem. At this point no federal action is likely to take place.

 

 

 

 

 

Millions Dead After Woman Goes On Cleaning Rampage In Santa Rosa Beach

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mom12

SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – A Santa Rosa Beach woman has been arrested and charged with the senseless murder of millions of innocent bacteria and viruses in what one law enforcement official called a “Rwandan-style genocide of one-celled organisms.” Apparently Charlene Dickerson took advantage of her son’s brief absence from the home this week to carry out a systematic cleaning and sanitizing blitzkrieg of Biblical proportions.

“It went on day and night,” said one neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous. “I’ve never seen anything like it. You could hear the vacuum running from dawn until well into the night. My heart goes out to all those poor little creatures lying under that barrage of sanitation.”

Deputy Billy Bob McSneed, who was first to arrive at the scene, said “It was a like a scene out of Apocalypse Now. Flagella, cytoplasmic membranes, and ribosomes were spread all over the place. I had to scrape endoplasmic reticulum off by boots on the way out of the house. It was horrific.”

Relatives of the accused stated that this was not anything unusual and the same activity had been going on for years. However, with her spawn out-of-town, apparently things just got out of control. “She just went over the edge,” said Kathy McDuffie, Mrs. Dickerson’s, daughter. “I think she just wanted to take advantage of my slob brother’s absence and things just got out of hand.”

Mrs. Dickerson is currently being held in a “clean room” last used by NASA to quarantine returning astronauts in the 1970’s. Officials say that it is for her own mental well-being and she will be offered bail at an appropriate time, if she chooses to leave the heavenly environment.

Christian Right Joins Forces With Animists And Luddites To Fight “Voodoo Science”

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Ross McMakin, a native of Panama City Beach, has been hired as DAFT’s spokesman

WASHINGTON (CT&P) – Answers in Genesis, the American Family Association, Hobby Lobby Inc., and a primitive Amazon rain forest tribe have joined forces to combat the lies and “Voodoo Science” being spread by Neil deGrasse Tyson on his show Cosmos. They will be joined by the Flat Earth Society, the Amateur Gynecologist’s League, and the Mississippi River Wideners Club in an all out fight against reason and science for the hearts and minds of the American people.

The new organization, known as DAFT, held a press conference in Washington, D.C. earlier last month to voice their concerns. The newly appointed spokesman for the group, Ross McMakin of Philomath, Oregon, explained the goals of the organization to an eager crowd of journalists from around the country.

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Chief Fred wowed journalists with a primitive version of PowerPoint in order to get his point across

“DAFT has been formed to fight the heretics around the world that want to teach our kids lies about the nature of the universe and the age of the earth,” said McMakin. “The teachers and scientists that promote Satanic ideas like evolution, the ‘Big Bang,’ and photosynthesis cannot be allowed to drown out the voices of blind faith and adherence to archaic value systems.”

McKakin took a swig of Rebel Yell and then continued, “We intend to stamp out the influence of science and societal progress wherever it rears its ugly head!”

McKakin then yielded the podium to “Fred,” chief of an Amazon rain forest tribe living in the remote jungles of Brazil. Fred’s tribe, dubbed the Luddites by the Brazilian press, has lived happily in the tangled “green hell” and fever-ridden swamps of triple-canopy rain forest for centuries.

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“Fred” took advantage of the trip to D.C. to jet over to East Africa and visit relatives and fellow animists at a seaside resort

The Luddites exist without any type of modern convenience except for two dozen pair of Michael Jordan sneakers that fell out of  the luggage compartment of a commercial aircraft during the 1980’s. They hunt, fish, and party the same way their ancestors did at the dawn of human civilization. The Luddites have a strict moral and religious code that is characterized by the worship of inanimate objects and the enthusiastic ritual sacrifice of any hominids that are not of their tribe.

Their life expectancy is roughly 26 years of age.

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“Fred” had a big change of heart after being exposed to modern technology. He is seen here only two weeks after the press conference addressing the U.N. on the problem of deforestation.

Although “Fred” could only communicate verbally with a complicated jumble of guttural grunts and high-pitched clicking sounds, he used a sand table and a stick to try to get his point across. “Fred” drew a picture of the earth circling the sun and then crossed it out and urinated on it. Then he erased the flawed conceptual piece and proceeded to draw the sun circling the earth. After he finished he smiled and grabbed his private parts while nodding his head up and down.

Journalists in attendance seemed to grasp the point “Fred” was making and were eager to ask questions of the newly appointed spokesman Mr. McMakin, since no one had the patience to wait around for another of “Fred’s” masterpieces.

A reporter from Skeptic Magazine asked McMakin, “Look, what I am curious about is that you folks reject the findings of scientists on several fronts such as the age of the universe, evolution, and climate change, but you are perfectly willing to use the tools that scientists have provided us with such as improved health care, computers, smart phones, etc. It seems you folks want to ‘cherry pick’ science for what is useful to you and your religion and trash the rest. Are you guys just insecure or what? What’s up with that?”

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Not everyone agrees with DAFT’s stance on science and technology. Chief Franklin of the “What’s Happening Now” tribe, who live in on the next block over from the Luddites, says Fred “is so full of shit his eyes are brown.”

At this point McMakin abruptly ended the press conference giving the excuse that he was late for a spousal abuse party and had to go pick up his girlfriend. “Fred” seemed willing to stay as he was enjoying the air-conditioned building and the free mimosas but the reporters expressed no further interest, so everyone left.

It remains to be seen what effect if any DAFT will have on public education or insightful and informative television shows such as Cosmos. As Thomas Huxley famously said:

Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain.

 

 

 

 

 

Satan Expands Snack Food Empire With Acquisition Of Honey Maid

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V.P. of Acquisitions Demon Jay Gould appeared on Fox to explain Beelzebub’s reasons for purchasing Honey Maid

THE RIVER STYX (CT&P) – Satan has just enlarged his already expansive snack food empire with the acquisition of Honey Maid Products, Inc., manufacturers of the premier line of graham cracker snacks in the world today. “We wanted to get more market share of the all important ‘untainted children’s souls demographic,” said Demon Jay Gould (1836-1892), V.P. of Acquisitions for Mephistopheles Holding, Inc. “We think we can better influence kids by dominating the elementary and pre-school lunchbox market. With any luck we can convince young kids to accept the gay lifestyle, marry outside their race, or maybe even become serial killers or mass murderers. Hell, we already dominate the Devil’s food cookie industry, so this purchase made perfect sense,” said Demon Gould.

The acquisition was apparently triggered by Honey Maid’s advertisement which tacitly approved of the gay lifestyle, and the unhinged reaction to it by right-wing religious groups. The commercial in question depicts “abominable and malevolent” gay and interracial couples as being normal and wholesome.

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Gould told Neil Cavuto that contrary to all the negative propaganda being spewed by the ADA, the Lord of the Underworld loves little kids and they love him

The American Family Association and the American Decency Association reacted with fear and loathing to Honey Maid’s radical position that everyone should be treated the same. A rambling and nearly incoherent statement about God, Satan, smores, and camping was posted on the ADA website and both groups vowed to boycott Honey Maid.

“When I think of graham crackers I think of the camping I may do this summer and the smores I may eat around the campfire,” said the statement. “Apparently Nabisco and I have a fondness for different things now…Nabisco wants to change definitions like family and wholesome.”

“Satan wants us to see sin as normal and not so bad,” said the group. “He delights in taking what God has made good and changes it, counterfeits it, and makes it something to please himself instead of the Creator. The fallen one desires men to see themselves as gods, answerable to no one but themselves.”

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Satan felt the time was right to expand his line of snack food items and re-brand them under the new name “Prince of Darkness Fine Foods”

“We at the American Decency Association believe that things should never change and society should be held in stasis, by force if necessary. If the American people do not have the good sense to behave the way we want, then by God they should be made to at the point of a gun.”

Although the statement on the American Decency Association’s website was apparently written by a mentally challenged sixth grader trying to impress his pastor, the reaction has been the topic of numerous columns on both conservative and liberal sites.

The “fallen one” was not available for immediate comment as he was attending a Republican Governor’s Association shindig hosted by  Sheldon Adelson in Las Vegas. However, Demon Gould appeared on the Neil Cavuto Show on Fox and flatly denied any desire to change definitions or make men into gods.

“I don’t know where these freaks come up with this shit Neil,” said Demon Gould. They blame everything on us. First it was the Asian tsunami, then the Haiti earthquake, and now they want to say that His Majesty actually wants to rewrite the dictionary? And what the fuck are they talking about with this ‘men into gods’ thing? There’s already one god too many in this miserable universe. What a bunch of kooks!”

 

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We were unable to contact the King of Hell personally because he was interviewing presidential hopefuls at the Republican Governor’s Association convention in Las Vegas

Demon Gould told Cavuto that “to tell you the truth, Honey Maid was not even on our radar screen until those nuts over at the ADA started ranting and raving about ‘gay friendly’ commercials. You would have thought Armageddon was around the corner. We were in a meeting considering options for consolidating our strangle hold on Disney and Starbucks when one of them aired, and the boss just said out of the blue, ‘Hey, what about those dudes over at Honey Maid? We haven’t made any inroads in the snack industry since Drake Foods came up with ‘Devil Dogs’ a few years back.'”

“The idea seemed like a sound one, and besides, you just don’t disagree with the Prince of Darkness. He’s run a successful business for one hell of a long time,” said Gould. “All we want to do is increase our market share, just like any other business, and the cooperation we have received from the Supreme Court lately is really going to help. It’s about time somebody realized that businesses have souls too!”

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Lucifer hopes to follow up on the success of Drake’s wildly popular children’s snack “Counterfeit Cupcakes” with Honey Maid’s new offering, “Satanic Smores”

Cavuto and Gould agreed that the proposed boycott of Honey Maid and Nabisco by religious zealots on the right will have about as much effect as a gnat on an elephant’s ass. “We won’t let these hateful groups have any effect on our plans for the acquisition of Honey Maid or any other business, for that matter,” said Gould. “We will just go on providing the high quality products that humans have become accustomed to receiving from our family of companies. It’s always been their choice as to where they place their trust.”

 

 

 

 

Yellowstone Bison “Bemused” After Punking Thousands Of Idiots On The Internet

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YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK (CT&P) – A spokesman for the Even-toed Ungulates Society of Greater Yellowstone told reporters this morning that Yellowstone bison were “tickled and a little bemused” by all the attention that a short video of themselves was getting on the internet. The video went viral early last week and has caused a great deal of wailing and gnashing of teeth by tens of thousands of weak-minded alarmists around the globe.

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Buffalo “Bill” Ungulate is spokesman for the Even-toed Ungulates Society of Greater Yellowstone

The video was said to depict members of the subfamily Bovidae fleeing the confines of Yellowstone for the relative safety of Cody, Wyoming and Gardiner, Montana. The reason given for the “Buffalo Exodus” in the video was that the bovines had somehow divined the imminent doom of the park and a large portion of the United States at the hands of a super volcano.

Visitors to the park as well as thousands of idiots around the globe phoned park officials to voice their concerns over the situation and seek instructions in the event that they should suddenly find themselves covered with red hot toxic ash. Kooky survivalists and wacked-out Bible prophets added to the aggravation by posting videos of their own predicting impending apocalypse and the end of civilization as we know it.

Park officials were quick to point out that the four-legged “steaks on the hoof” were actually running deeper into the park, not fleeing it for other environs. “It was a spring-like day and they were frisky. Contrary to online reports, it’s a natural occurrence and not the end of the world,” said Amy Bartlett, a spokeswoman for the park.

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Freddie Wisent is famous for his pranks and weird sense of humor. He once burst into a rancher’s kitchen and demanded French toast and coffee for breakfast

The park sits atop an ancient volcano whose caldera is roughly 50 miles long and 30 miles wide. However, since every scrap of scientific evidence points towards another eruption tens of thousands of years in the future and not tomorrow night, it seems we have little to worry about.

“The chance of that happening in our lifetime is exceedingly insignificant,” said Peter Cervelli, associate director of science and technology at the U.S. Geological Survey’s Volcano Science Center in California.

Despite the best efforts of park officials, scientists, and sane people to quell the abject panic, the video continues to alarm dolts and dimwits across America and the world.

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Freddie’s wife Hildabeest has never been amused by his “silly antics”

The bison themselves find the whole situation laughable. “You humans are so fucking gullible,” said Buffalo “Bill” Ungulate, a spokesman for the Ungulates Society and friends with the herd that carried out the prank. Those guys just saw some cars passing by and thought it would be fun to get down on the highway and raise a little hell. They had no idea that it would cause such a ruckus,” said Ungulate. “It was all Freddie Wisent’s idea. He’s from Europe originally and has a weird sense of humor. He’s always jerking the tourists around by break-dancing  around Old Faithful in a Speedo and acting silly in front of the kids. Freddie is a real clown if there ever was one. He never takes anything seriously.”

 

Courageous Walton County Deputy To Be Decorated For Defending Community Against Suspected Terrorist

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dog

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Law enforcement officers in Cretonia are famous for their bravery under fire. This photo shows members of the Spring Break Buzzkill Implementation Squad, dubbed the “Panhandle Pussies” by the press, responding to reports of teenagers throwing empty Budweiser cans off a balcony in Panama City Beach

DeFuniak Springs (CT&P) – Walton County Sheriff’s Deputy Billy Bob “Dogkilla” Jones will be honored tonight at the annual “Profiles in Courage” banquet sponsored by the Florida Peace Officers Malevolent League. The event will take place at the new 1200 square foot DeFuniak Springs Civic Center. Two other local officers will be honored at the banquet, and the public is encouraged to attend.

Deputy Jones will be receiving the “Courage and Dedication To Duty Shown While Unnecessarily Shooting a Canine To Death Medal of Valor.” The award comes as a result of the actions taken by Jones on September 19, 2013 during an incident involving a dog that wandered a few steps past his yard and growled at the deputy and his police cruiser. Deputy Jones took swift and decisive action. He stepped out of his vehicle, and while exposing himself to grave bodily harm, shot the dog with his “nine.”

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Relieved pensioners look on as members of the Joint Rapid Response Task Force clean out a nest of heinous feral cats located dangerously close to the Methuselah Retirement Community in Geriatric Village, Florida

Also honored will be Deputy Joey “Take It Slow” DeCarlo. DeCarlo will be receiving the “Persistence and Indefatigability While Using Advanced Interrogation Techniques On An Underage Drinker Medal of Freedom.” DeCarlo will be receiving the coveted medal for a March 16, 2013 incident in which he suspended a 17-year-old girl from Tennessee off an eighth floor balcony until she coughed up the name of the ringleader of a vicious gang of spring breakers conspiring to buy beer.

Finally, Florida Fish and Game Officer Billy Frank “Grouper Trooper” Hayseed will be receiving the “Charles Whitman Honorary Sniper Award For Murdering The Most Innocuous Wildlife During an Eight Hour Shift.” Officer Hayseed will be afforded the honor for his efforts on July 7, 2013, when he butchered three gopher tortoises, a black bear and two of her cubs, 16 “rabid” possums, two wayward raccoons, one feral cat, and an unknown number of fish who perished after Officer Hayseed dropped a concussion grenade into Chlamydia Creek from the Ralph R. Scrotum Memorial Bridge.

Walton County Sheriff Buford T. “Bull” Smegma will MC the event and all residents of Walton County (excluding illegal aliens and their spawn) are encouraged to attend. Sheriff Smegma told CT&P reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that over two dozen tickets to the event have already been sold at $3.50 per ticket. “That brings us close to our goal of raising a hundred bucks for needy families in Walton County,” said Smegma. “When you combine that with all the loot we have stolen from our own citizens by the reckless application of the asset forfeiture laws, well, the booty really starts to pile up.” Before departing in his 2014 Cadillac Escalade, Sheriff Smegma told Bruce, “I sure hope that you or that freak Dickerson will take the time to attend the party tonight. I’d really like my photo in the paper. I’ll be wearing my brand new custom tailored lime green ‘leisure tux.’ I’m really gonna be stylin’!”

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Members of the SWAT team from Yawning Sinkhole, Florida subdue a heinous feline wanted for vagrancy and drug trafficking. Authorities later found her stash of over two pounds of catnip hidden under an abandoned trailer.

Festivities are planned to begin at 7 PM at the Hernando de Soto Memorial Civic Center in DeFuniak. Barbecued horse meat and “mountain oysters’ will served at the banquet and adult beverages will be available at a cash bar. Those not wishing to drink alcohol should bring bottled water as the tap water at the center and the surrounding area has long been a source of encephalitis outbreaks. All proceeds will benefit the families of officers who have had their feelings hurt in the line of duty.

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Every citizen of Cretonia should get down on their knees and thank God for the diligence shown by the brave members of local law enforcement. This photograph shows Bay County deputies on routine patrol to enforce leash laws on Melanoma Beach

 

Editor’s note: A Walton County deputy has just been cleared of wrongdoing in a case where he shot and killed a pit bull mix while it barked and growled at him from his own yard. This did not occur in a trailer park but in a Santa Rosa Beach neighborhood. To be fair, the dog was not restrained and had supposedly caused problems before. However, the cop made no attempt to use pepper spray or a Taser, and did not call animal control and simply wait inside his cruiser for them to take care of the problem. The abominable law enforcement practice of shooting family pets while serving “no-knock” warrants and during routine traffic stops is widespread across the United States and seems to be growing. Since no records are required to be kept of such incidents, no one is sure of the numbers, but thanks to social media the problem is becoming better publicized. The practice is for the most part another hideous consequence of the ill-advised and utterly useless and counterproductive “War on Drugs,” which has gone a long way to shred our 4th Amendment rights. Take it from me as I have firsthand experience in this matter. Everyone who loves animals and thinks that the militarization of our law enforcement agencies is getting completely out of hand should voice his or her opinion. Don’t wait until there is a drone flying in circles over your neighborhood to take some sort of constructive action.

By the way, the Walton County deputy was cleared of wrongdoing by his fellow law enforcement officers.

Eight-Year-Old “Not Surprised At All” That She Is More Intelligent Than Members Of The South Carolina State Senate

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COLUMBIA-Little Jenny Newberry of Spartanburg, South Carolina thought her idea was simple and straightforward. Since South Carolina is one of only ten states that does not have an official fossil, why not make the Columbian mammoth, whose fossilized teeth were first found in a South Carolina swamp way back in 1725, the official state fossil? The idea made perfect sense to her and a group of her colleagues in the third grade at the We Have The Good Sense To Believe Irrefutable Scientific Evidence When It Is Placed In Front Of  Us Elementary School in Fernwood. However, the group of young, idealistic intellectuals did not take into account the trouble the idea would cause in the Le Brea tar pit of ignorance that is the South Carolina state senate.

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Alabama wants to make an old copy of the Ten Commandments its state fossil

Upon hearing of the heretical idea, Republican state senators Kevin “Dimwit” Bryant and Mark “Doofus” Simpleton sprang into action. They quickly attached an amendment to the proposed fossil bill that included a thank-you note to God for creating the animal kingdom on the sixth day of his universal construction project. The dubious and offensive amendment included a direct quote from the book of Genesis in the Old Testament.

“We thought it would be a good time to thank the creator for his excellent work on the Columbian  mammoth and other extinct species created at around the same time,” said Bryant. “We are still not quite sure why God would create a beast only to have it go extinct, but as you know most of us ignorant hicks attribute to God that which we cannot understand. You know he really works in mysterious ways.”

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Florida officials believe that a rusty nine millimeter handgun would best represent culture in the “Gunshine State”

State Senator Mike “I Am Sometimes” Fair, another Republican, does not support the amendment in its current form. “I don’t think it’s right to single out the Columbian mammoth among all the extinct species that once roamed the earth,” said Fair. “I am currently working on a list of every extinct species we have any evidence of, including intelligent elected officials. I plan to add the entire list to the current bill, which would make the bill a little over 9,000 pages long. We need to be thorough, otherwise the Good Lord could get pissed off and send a tsunami to wipe out Myrtle Beach.”

The controversy in the South Carolina senate has spawned  legislative chaos across America. States are scrambling to rewrite “fossil laws” to better represent their religious majorities. For example, a bill in the Alabama legislature replaces the current state fossil Basilosaurus cetoides with a “really old” stone carving of the Ten Commandments dug up during the construction of Victoryland Greyhound park near Montgomery. Florida is considering making the rusty remnants of a nine millimeter handgun found on Miami Beach its state fossil, and West Virginia has already begun the process of digging up Robert C Byrd in order to put his fossilized remains on display within the rotunda in Charleston.

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Arizona, always the maverick, is bucking the trend by making Senator John McCain its official “living fossil”

For her part, little Jenny Newberry and her friends have completely ditched the state fossil idea. They have moved on and decided to form a think-tank in Spartanburg devoted to the remedial education of South Carolina’s elected officials. “I really did not expect all this hubbub,” said Jenny. “I realize that these guys are not the brightest of bulbs, but one would think that they could pass a simple bill designating a state fossil without having to overcome a veritable maelstrom of stupidity. However, this is just the kind of blinkered Philistine pig ignorance I’ve come to expect that non-creative garbage in the state senate. They sit there on their loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads and not giving a tinker’s cuss for the average third grader struggling with existential concepts. One can only hope that this bunch of political cretins will one day be extinct themselves, because I really don’t hold out much hope for future generations with this crowd in charge.”

Chilean Earthquake And Subsequent Tsunami Linked To Obamacare, Gay Marriage

Posted in environment, health care, humor, politics, religion by

Magnitude eight earthquake off the coast of Chile

WASHINGTON-Embattled Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) appeared on Fox News’ morning show The Village Idiots today and told the hosts of the show that last night’s Chilean earthquake and resulting tsunami were caused by the last-minute stampede to sign up for health insurance on Healthcare.gov. McConnell informed the “confederacy of dunces” that “All of that damn electronic activity caused a seismic event at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean which in turn caused that gall-darn big ass wave.”

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Senator Mitch McConnell appeared on Fox’s The Village Idiots this morning where he blamed Obamacare for every fucking thing that is wrong with America today

The 8.2 magnitude earthquake was centered off the coast of northern Chile and produced waves over two meters high. Six deaths have been attributed to the quake but property damage seems to have been minimal. Tsunami warnings were posted immediately after the quake and most low-lying areas were evacuated before the tsunami reached shore. Chile, which rests on the so-called “Ring of Fire” has long-expected and prepared for an even larger quake and systems are in place to warn the populace of tsunami threats when they appear imminent.

McConnell told the doltish dullards that “Obamacare will eventually cause the complete downfall and destruction of western civilization. It has already been linked to the disaster in Benghazi, the IRS scandal, and the disappearance of Flight 370. Most shockingly, the Young Earth Creationist’s Observatory in my home state has discovered that a comet in the Oort Cloud has changed course and is now heading directly toward earth,” said McConnell. “All this because of Obamacare!”

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McConnell apologized to the dimwit hosts on the show but he had to leave early to get back on the campaign trail in Kentucky

However, not everyone agrees with McConnell. The Right Reverend Pat Robertson, normally a staunch ally of the senator from Kentucky, disagreed on the cause of the earthquake. On his 700 Club broadcast this morning Robertson put the cause of the earthquake squarely on the shoulders of gay marriage. “God is showing his wrath for some states in this country normalizing deviant sexual behavior and legalizing the abomination of gay marriage,” said Robertson. “He showed those heretical voodoo bastards in Haiti who was boss a few years back and now he’s taking action against gay marriage!” When his co-host asked Pat why Chile was being punished for America’s sins, Robertson replied “Well, God works in mysterious ways. Maybe he is slowing the influx of illegal aliens from Chile so they won’t be exposed to our disgraceful and ungodly behavior.”

As we have noted before in previous columns, Pat Robertson is clearly insane.

Historical revisionist and conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck had yet another take on the disaster. “This earthquake is clearly the work of a renegade cabal of Freemasons,” said Beck. “I have been warning you people for a long time that the Freemasons possess technology far in advance of any other group on earth. They clearly have been given earthquake technology from some alien race bent on the destruction of the U.S. Constitution and the American way of life. There’s just no other reasonable explanation for this event.”

Although all three theories are gaining ground with the American public via Fox News and right-wing radio, the most logical explanation for the seismic event seems to be subduction, the process of one tectonic plate moving underneath another. Imagine that.

 

 

As Hopes Fade Of Finding Brain, Bachmann Believed To Be On “Zombie Autopilot”

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michele bachmann is an idiot

WASHINGTON-As hopes fade for ever locating and recovering Michele Bachmann’s mind, a team of experts is analyzing data from a variety of sources in order to chart the rapid deterioration of her prefrontal cortex. The team hopes that by doing this a reasonable hypothesis can be made as to the cause of Bachmann’s erratic course and irrational flights of fancy.

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Dr. John Bigboote is leading the team from Yoyodyne that is desperately trying to locate Representative Bachmann’s mind

The team of distinguished scientists and physicians from Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey specializes in assessing brain damage and degenerative mental disorders. It is focusing its efforts on analyzing appearances made by Bachmann over the last few weeks on Fox as well as legitimate news outlets.

“The data strongly indicates that Representative Bachmann is suffering from the progressive deterioration of her higher mental function,” said Dr. John Bigboote, who leads the team. “You can clearly see that she has little or no ability left to reason or comprehend anything above a sixth grade level. In fact, it appears her body is being sustained by the primitive parts of her brain such as the cerebellum and spinal cord. Her frontal lobes are almost completely shut down,” said Dr. Bigboote. “Right now, Michele Bachmann is little more than an oversized bipedal lizard. I guess you could call her a ‘Jesus Lizard,'” he chuckled.

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Editor’s note: Our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker visited Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems late last week in order to get an interview for this article. He has not been the same since. He is convinced the planet is being taken over by an alien race of “Red Lectroids” from Planet 10 by way of the 8th Dimension. We have granted him sick leave to seek medical treatment.

Dr. John Small Berries, a well-known brain surgeon and expert in inter-dimensional time travel, told our reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the team has been tracking a series of “ghostly pings”originating from Bachmann’s medulla oblongata that are apparently meant to communicate with her prefrontal cortex. “According to our data, Bachmann’s brain functions have shut down one-by-one over a period of several years. Whether these actions were self-inflicted or the result of some terrorist act on the part of the left-wing of the Democrat party is totally unknown,” said Small Berries.

Dr. John Yaya, another member of the team from Yoyodyne, told “The Coyote” that “We really have no clue at this time just where in the hell Bachmann’s mind is at. It could be anywhere from the jungles of Vietnam to somewhere at the bottom of the Indian Ocean. It’s a real mystery.”

Dr. Bigboote told our earstwhile reporter that time is running out for finding and recovering Bachmann’s aimlessly wandering mind. “We are analyzing new data the minute it comes in, but we can’t expect Bachmann’s brain stem to last too much longer. The information we could recover from her memory banks could go a long way in explaining her inane remarks and asinine actions on the floor of the House, but if the ‘battery life’ on her neural ‘black box’ runs out, we’re basically fucked.”