Monthly Archives: June 2014

Progressive Texas Law Helps Provide Firearms For The Mentally Challenged

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A law that just went into effect last month in Texas provides funds for a new statewide program called “Cannons for Cretins.” The pilot program assists Texas residents who are illiterate or otherwise too mentally challenged to successfully complete the necessary paperwork for owning a firearm.

From now on, every firearms dealer will have a state employee who graduated from at least sixth grade on premises at all times to guide applicants through the approval process. The form consists of a single sheet of paper and requires the applicant to declare his or her age, sex, and most recent felonies. The applicant may sign with a simple “X” if that is all he can manage.

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“Cannons for Cretins” helped Warner V. Numbnuts III get the assault rifle he always lusted after. Shunned in high school because of his poor taste in attire and malodorous emissions, Warner now suffers from low self-esteem. Ownership of an AK-47 with a thirty-round clip and depleted uranium ammunition has seemed to help. Here he is seen shopping for hydrocortisone cream to help relieve the pain of genital sores he picked up while working on a goat farm last summer.

The program also helps the less fortunate purchase higher-end assault rifles and sidearms that they would not otherwise be able to afford. Volunteers are being sought to drive those who are too poor to own a truck or who could not pass their driver’s license exam to gun shows or weapons dealers so that the critical purchases can be made.

“The mentally challenged make up a large percentage of our population here in Texas, and it’s high time we did something to help them realize the dream of gun ownership,” said Representative Joe “Scrotum Face” McConnell of Muleshoe. “This new program will help dim wits, dullards, fruitcakes, pin heads, and imbeciles get the weapons they deserve.”

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“Cannons for Cretins” helped Gertie “Ma” Barker buy a huge, deadly sidearm along with thousands of rounds of hollow point ammunition. Before she got help from the new program she could only afford a rusty Revolutionary War blunderbuss. “You don’t know how heartbreaking it is to tell your kids they’ll get no supper because Mommy has to buy ball bearings and black powder. I’m in debt to our brave politicians,” said Barker, seen here shopping for bread and water at Walmart.

“That’s right,” said Representative Charles Whitman Jr. of Fort Worth. “No one can say that we don’t care about our ‘less fortunate’ citizens here in Texas. Morons, idiots, simpletons, retards, and even ignorant twits all across the state will now have their self-esteem boosted by gun ownership.”

Opponents of the bill argued that since most of the citizens the new law was supposed to “help” did not have the sense to come out of the rain it may not be such a good idea to arm them with assault rifles and high-capacity magazines.

Governor and part-time presidential candidate Rick Perry, who supported the bill, brushed objections to the law aside and called them “nonsense.”

“We take the 2nd Amendment seriously here in Texas and we are gonna arm every son of a bitch we can with the most modern firearms available. We have to prepare for the coming race war and defend ourselves against the evils of the federal government. They’ve already shoved equal treatment for negras and Messicans down our throats. We aren’t going to stand by and let ’em make gay marriage and abortion legal in Texas. We intend to fight!”

Politicians in several other “Bible Belt” states are discussing similar programs and have sent aides to Texas to observe the effects of the new law and to get advice from the bill’s sponsors.

 

 

Moses, Isaiah, And Phil Robertson Under Investigation After Accusations By Bill O’Reilly

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Frustrated with his plummeting ratings and lack of relevance in modern America, Fox News host Bill O’Reilly went berserk on his show Thursday night and accused a wide variety of famous and influential individuals of harboring “Muslim sympathies.” O’Reilly devoted an entire segment of his show to ponderously reading a list of people, both living and dead, who “looked Muslim” and therefore posed a “very real threat” to American democracy.

Included on the list were several Bible prophets such as Ezekiel, Malachi, Isaiah, as well as New Testament personalities Saul of Tarsus and Jesus of Nazareth. Many former American presidents such as Abraham Lincoln were also on the list.

“We simply cannot sit idly by and let people who might be devoted to some weirdo cult have any influence in America,” said O’Reilly. “I’m here to protect you folks and I won’t let you down. When have I ever been wrong before? The answer is NEVER!”

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O’Reilly claims that he has nothing against Muslims as long as “they know their place and stay in it.” He told viewers he was simply following in the footsteps of three of his heroes, Senator Joe McCarthy of Wisconsin, Representative Darrell Issa of California, and Soviet leader Josef Stalin

“I have here in my hand a list of 205 Quran-carrying, Muslim-looking state department officials that are roaming about our country free to influence our culture in any way they wish, and they have to be stopped,” raved O’Reilly as he waved a stack of Chinese take-out menus in front of the camera.

“Why, I saw Secretary of State John Kerry get off a plane in D.C. last week with stubble on his cheeks. It’s only a matter of time before we become an Islamic republic just like Iran!”

O’Reilly went on to warn his aging and decrepit viewers that “Our way of life is at stake. If we want to maintain our out-of-date ideas about religion, science and politics, we have to act swiftly and marginalize anyone who is not a Christian!”

O’Reilly’s list also included TV personalities such as Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson and several popular bands such as ZZ Top, among others.

Strangely, O’Reilly also accused New York’s entire population of Hasidic Jews of harboring Muslim sympathies. “These people are hiding behind one religion while secretly plotting our takeover by another one,” said O’Reilly, who by this point was rolling a couple of ball bearings around in his hand.

O’Reilly concluded the broadcast by attempting to reassure the public that just because he had a list of evildoers, it didn’t mean that he had anything against Muslims per se. “Why, some of my best friends are Muslims, and they are welcome in my home anytime, as long as they’re not gay,” said O’Reilly.

Meanwhile, O’Reilly’s numbers continue to plummet as more and more of his senescent audience assumes room temperature. Rumors that O’Reilly suffered brain damage in a fall while chasing a female intern around his set were flatly denied by management, and it remains to be seen when Roger Ailes will unceremoniously throw the pompous fossil off the air as he did the unhinged conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck. As we have seen in the past, it does not take long for Ailes to act once someone becomes a liability.

 

 

Alabama Ministry Uses Unique Blend Of Fascist Literature And Bible Verses To Keep Kids “On The Right Track”

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MONTGOMERY, AL (CT&P) – Life-Savers Ministries, a group founded in 1996 in Opelika, Alabama announced yesterday that it will be erecting a series of billboards throughout the South reflecting its philosophy on child-rearing. “The overwhelming success of our first sign outside Columbus has encouraged us to expand the campaign and let everyone know just what we stand for,” said  Obergruppenführer Hans Kooky, head of advertising for LSM.

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Dr. Emilio Lizardo or “Il Duce” as he likes to be called, told Bill O’Reilly that billboard advertising is the key to indoctrinating weak minds, and that he had a buddy that always said, “If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.” O’Reilly agreed wholeheartedly.

The large sign, erected last month, depicts a diverse group of smiling kids and incongruously declared, “He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future,” attributing the quote to Hitler. Hitler said the phrase in a 1935 speech at the Reichsparteitag in order to encourage young people to join the Hitler Youth.

Below the Hitler quote was a Bible verse which said, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

According the group’s website, Life-Savers provides Biblically-based activities for children conducted in a racially pure healthy environment. The kids also attend mandatory classes that introduce them to the tenants of National Socialism and other forms fascism.

The group’s goal seems to be to shape the kids into obedient and unquestioning pawns for the coming struggle to “take back America” from the communists now in control of the government.

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Kids from LSM also sell cookies and baked goods once per year in order to raise funds for the ministry

The leader and founder of the organization, Dr. Emilio Lizardo, known as “Il Duce” within the LSM, told Fox News host Bill O’Reilly that “Kids these days are exposed to all sorts of garbage like evolution, vaccination, gay marriage, equal rights for minorities, global warming, and photosynthesis. We have to take back our country and take back our kids before it’s too late. The purity and essence of our precious bodily fluids depends on it!”

The group plans to erect ten to twenty more signs along interstates in the Bible Belt combining quotes from fascist dictators and verses from the Bible, in order to “foster a sense of ultra-nationalism and racial purity in our youth.”

Some examples include:

“Humanitarianism is the expression of stupidity and cowardice.” Adolf Hitler

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Luke 12:31

 

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Representatives from more traditional youth ministries in the area have staged protests against LSM from time to time

“The truth is that men are tired of liberty.” Benito Mussolini

“If you are irresponsible to the state, then your are irresponsible with God, and God will hold you responsible.” Romans 13:2

 

“Anyone who sees and paints a sky green and fields blue ought to be sterilized.” Adolf Hitler

“The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.” Psalm 19:1

(Life-Savers also offers introductory art classes with an emphasis on landscapes done in watercolors.)

Convinced of the efficacy of the advertising campaign, LSM plans to go ahead with it despite some misgivings within the local church community. The new signs will start to go up on June 22nd, timed to coincide with LSM’s annual celebration honoring Germany’s invasion of the Soviet Union in 1941.

After a meeting with Lamar Advertising in Montgomery, Obergruppenführer Kooky told a group of reporters that “The future looks bright thanks to Il Duce’s ideas” and that with the “skillful and sustained use of propaganda, one can make a people see even heaven as hell or an extremely wretched life as paradise.”

 

 

 

 

Georgia Cops Immolate Infant As Part Of New Drug War Initiative

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Sheriff Terrell is seen here after a raid on what used to be a Section 8 housing tract

ATLANTA (CT&P) – “I stand behind what our team did,” said Sheriff Joey “Kilgore” Terrell of Habersham County Georgia, referring to a 3:00 a.m. no-knock SWAT raid in which a 19-month-old child was severely burned by a flash-bang grenade. “There’s nothing to investigate, there’s nothing to look at,” continued the sheriff, relaying the conclusions of the County DA’s office and the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. “Bad things can happen. That’s just the world we live in.”

The raid was carried out as part of state-wide pilot program called “Operation Crib Death.” The initiative is federally funded through the now infamous Patriot Act. Although the cash has been around for a while, Georgia is the first state to actually take advantage of it. The program seeks to “stop drug abuse before it starts” by severely maiming or murdering infants, toddlers, and preschoolers in order to “set an example” of just how dangerous drugs can be.

A spokesman for the GBI told reporters that the raid was an overall success and more “no-knock” warrants and illegal wiretaps will be used in the future. “Listen, the constitution is clear: government has the right to use any force necessary to determine where you live, who you marry, and what you put in your body,” said Corporal Mark “Napalm” Nabob. “We may not be able to regulate firearms in this country, but we can damn sure regulate everything else!”

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A Habersham County SWAT team member trains with a new flamethrower obtained with federal funding to fight the ‘War On Drugs’

The SWAT team involved in the raid that burned the unfortunate infant will be decorated for its brave and decisive action later this week. Singled out for special recognition will be Billy “Fastball” Baker, the courageous officer who actually managed to hit the crib dead center with a stun grenade while cowering behind a bulletproof shield.

“Billy showed exemplary aim and a cool head,” said Sheriff Terrell. “I don’t know three other guys in the southeast that could have made that shot. He’ll get a case of beer for that one!”

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In a raid earlier this spring, Sheriff Terrell responded to rumors of drug use in a Clarkesville middle school by dropping napalm from a police helicopter, thus neutralizing the threat. Only 200 lives were lost in the operation and it was deemed a resounding success

The pilot program that Georgia is using to incinerate its youth was initiated earlier this year as a result of frustration over the abysmal failure of the “War On Drugs” to do anything but make the problem much worse. “We’ve tried stealing drug user’s cars and homes, seizing their cash, killing their dogs and cats, imprisoning them longer than we do murderers and pedophiles, hell, we even shot a great-grandmother to death down in Atlanta, and nothing seems to work,” said Jimmy “Scorched Earth” Johnson of the DEA.

“So a bunch of us got together for a golf weekend and brainstorming retreat and we came up with this new program. We thought, well, there is nothing worse on the planet than people doing drugs in the privacy of their own homes, so if they wind up dead, we’re really doing them a favor,” said Johnson.

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While 19-month-old “Bou Bou” is in a medically induced coma fighting for his life, Habersham County SWAT team members are pulling on their jackboots and preparing for another raid

“That’s right,” added Corporal Nabob, “job number one of law enforcement has to be keeping kids off drugs, and if it means killing a few of them to set a good example, well, that’s what I call ‘tough love.'”

Although the program’s effectiveness has not yet been judged by experts, local law enforcement agencies all over the country are lining up to receive funding. The money will be used to purchase grenades with a greater “kill radius,” flamethrowers, drones armed with Hellfire missiles, and in the case of larger cities such as Los Angeles and New York, tactical nuclear missiles.

“Hopefully, this will make all the money we have spent to imprison our own citizens and ruin so many lives finally worthwhile,” said Johnson. “The ‘War On Drugs’ will never be over, but at least Operation Crib Death will save a few innocent children from the evils of drugs, even if it does kill them.”

 

 

 

Jay Carney Narrowly Escapes Guillotine, Sentenced To Permanent Exile In Florida

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In a press release this morning, the White House announced that Jay Carney would receive a permanent stay of execution if he agreed to spend the rest of his natural life within the borders of the State of Florida. President Obama announced Carney’s resignation on Friday and told reporters that a change had been in the works since April, and that a decision would be made over the weekend concerning the fate of the long-suffering press secretary.

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Both Carney and Shinseki barely managed to avoid the fate that awaited so many scapegoats of past administrations

Sources close to Carney told our reporter, Bruce “The Coyote” Becker on Saturday that Carney simply could not take the pressure anymore. “The incessant barrage of moronic questions about imaginary conspiracies finally got the best of him,” an official said, on the condition that he remain anonymous.

On Wednesday, Carney, General Erik Shinseki, and their families will be placed in a special sealed Amtrak train from D.C. to Jacksonville, Florida. The train has been dubbed the “Scapegoat Express,” and has been used by former administrations to get rid of troublesome bureaucrats, buxom secretaries that got too bossy, and other individuals that threatened to become embarrassments to various presidents and cabinet officials.

If they survive the journey on Amtrak, they are to be transferred from Jacksonville via Greyhound Bus to Panama City in the panhandle, a region ruled by county sheriffs, hoteliers, uneducated public officials, probation officers, and Bible-thumping rednecks.

Our anonymous source told “The Coyote” that “Carney should consider himself lucky. You never hear another word from most press secretaries that resign do you? That’s because they are shipped off to CIA ‘black sites’ and are ‘disappeared’ along with their loved ones.”

Another source told us that despite the cesspool of political backbiting and inertia that is  D.C. politics, “there is one place that the two parties can find common ground, and that’s blaming underlings for scandals and mistakes. When an individual accepts a political job it’s understood that ‘the buck’ stops well below the elected official, and lower level employees better fall on the sword or they risk life and liberty. Just look at Chris Christie if you need an example. He’s still in the mix because he took swift action to blame everyone but himself for that bridge fiasco.”

Sources say that both Carney and Shinseki will receive a small percentage of their retirement packages until they are able to find jobs at motels or fast food joints along the nearby coastline, practically the only source of income available to anyone who moves to the area.

 

New Bill Will Provide Grant Money For Hunters And Gun Nuts

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A new bill introduced in the U.S. House of Representatives will make grant money and guaranteed federal loans available for men infatuated with guns and obsessed with inflicting pain on innocent wildlife. The bill, H.R. 6666, will provide funds for cosmetic surgery and enhancement of genitalia for men considered too poor to pay for the changes themselves.

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Scientific studies have shown that male obsession with firearms and killing is linked to feelings of sexual inadequacy caused by a shorter than average penis or shrunken testicles

Representative John Conyers (D-MI) and Eliot Engel (D-N.Y. ) introduced the bill in a desperate attempt to try to at least slow down the number of mass shootings and gun related deaths in the United States.

“In 2015, gun related deaths are projected to surpass the number of traffic fatalities for the first time in our history,” said Conyers, at a press conference on Capitol Hill. “We know from many scientific studies that the insecurity caused by having a short penis or small testicles is the driving force behind many of these guy’s blood lust and fascination with firearms, and we want to help these guys out.”

“That’s right,” said Engel. “We now have the technology to attack the root problem, and we would be remiss if we didn’t provide funds for men who are just too poor to seek help on their own. Everyone with any sense at all knows that any individual who enjoys watching animals writhe in pain and succumb to their wounds is lacking something not only upstairs, but downstairs as well.”

“We realize that most of our recent mass shootings have been carried out by psychotics who should never have been sold guns in the first place, and they are beyond help. However, there are other groups that could benefit from treatment, both physical and mental. After cosmetic and genital enhancement surgery many of these dudes will regain the feeling of security and self-confidence that they lost early in life. These guys will be walking around feeling like they have a couple of bowling balls in a marble sack, which should help to eliminate their sense of self-doubt.”

The bill, dubbed “The Male Genital Enhancement Act of 2014” will also provide funds for the design and production of flak jackets for deer, bear, raccoons, and a variety of other wildlife.

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If the new bill passes and is signed by President Obama, Modular Advanced Armed Robotic Systems (MAARS) units will patrol national forests and wildlife sanctuaries

In a controversial move, Carolyn McCarthy (D-N.Y.) has added an amendment to the bill that would place Israeli-manufactured robotic machine guns like the ones used along the Gaza Strip in strategic locations in national forests and in areas where wildlife is threatened. The amendment would also provide money for MAARS systems to patrol wildlife sanctuaries. Both systems would be fully armed and set up to return the fire of any hunters in the area.

“These guys are always yapping about how they love a challenge, so let’s see how many of them will go out on a weekend hunt when there’s a possibility that something is going to shoot back at them,” said McCarthy, in an interview with Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who has already had one minor stroke over the bill.

The bill will no doubt face rabid opposition from the NRA and various right wingers, but then again any attempt to do anything at all about the senseless slaughter of humans and animals alike in this country has met the same oppugnancy.

“We are the only country on earth that suffers these mass shootings on a regular basis, and there is a growing consensus out there that something has to be done,” said McCarthy. “This bill will be a good start. We’ll be helping out both needy men and innocent animals.”

No word yet on when the bill will actually be introduced.