Monthly Archives: July 2014

Costco’s Expression Of Religious Freedom Outrages Conservatives

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Costco

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CP&T) – Costco’s recent decision to remove Dinesh D’souza’s polemic fantasy, America: Imagine the World Without Her, from its bookshelves has been met with outrage by right wingers, Tea Partiers, and other historical revisionists across the United States. Many individuals and groups have vowed to boycott Costco as way to express their collective outrage.

At a press conference early this morning, Costco CEO Craig Jelinek explained the reasons for the corporation’s actions: “Costco is merely expressing her SCOTUS-given rights of free speech, religious expression, and unlimited ability to contribute cash to the candidate of her own choice.”

“A central tenet of Costco’s deeply-held religious beliefs is the guarantee that no customer should have to live with the fear of exposure to historical revisionism, extreme tribalism, medieval views regarding immigration, or feverish half-baked conspiracy theories about Benghazi,” said Jelinek.

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Tea Party organizations across the country have vowed to boycott Costco in response to her actions regarding D’souza’s comic book

“Costco, is an individual and citizen of the United States, endowed with all the rights guaranteed by the Constitution. She believes in her heart that D’souza’s book is no more than a collection of right-wing talking points vomited up and coagulated on paper that would serve the world better as trees helping to clean our atmosphere. Therefore she felt that Costco customers and employees should not be exposed to the toxic bilge contained within this 3rd grade interpretation of American history.”

When asked if Costco feared the inevitable backlash and boycott from right wingers across the country, Jelinek replied, “Well, let them boycott Costco and let sane individuals boycott Hobby Lobby. Forgive me but I think the sane folks are getting the better deal.”

A reporter from Hollywood Weekly asked Jelinek if Costco would be carrying the DVD of the movie America when it is released. He replied, “That’s up to Costco. She will make that decision closer to the release date. However, I don’t see why any of our customers would want to pay good money for propaganda like that when all they have to do is tune in to Fox News to get the same hateful garbage spewed at them.”

Jelinek added that in order to accommodate former Hobby Lobby customers, he was ordering Costco buyers to stock up on Elmer’s Glue, a wide variety of worthless trinkets and glitter, and sticks harvested from various swamps in Louisiana.

 

 

 

Satan “Slightly Annoyed” By Red Devils’ Loss To Catholics On Saturday

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – At press conference this morning on the banks of the River Styx, Satan told reporters that he was “annoyed, and more than a little pissed off” with Belgium coach Marc Wilmots for not coming up with a more intelligent game plan against Argentina.

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The Prince of Darkness spoke to reporters briefly before appearing as keynote speaker at a Tea Party fundraiser in Virginia’s 7th District

“Yeah well, I’m annoyed as hell,” said Satan. “All we did was chase those damn Christians all over the field and we seemed to have no real plan of attack. We looked disorganized and unable to maintain possession of the ball, and possession is supposed to be one of our specialties!”

The quarter-final match was in effect decided in the eighth minute by the Apostle Gonzalo Higuaín’s half volley off a deflected pass. The goal was made possible by Our Savior Lionel Messi charging the defense and drawing Belgian defenders to him like Roman soldiers to a weekend picnic and crucifixion.

The Argentines then used their superior ball handling abilities to fend off the spawn of Satan for the next eighty minutes plus stoppage time. Belgium pushed forward throughout the rest of the game but was lacking in offensive fluency, often resorting to floated crosses that Argentina’s defense cleared with relative ease. Except for a last-minute flurry of desperate shots, the Belgians offered no real threat to the Soldiers of God.

The next opponent for the Messiah and his disciples will be the largely agnostic thugs from the Netherlands, featuring the demon-possessed midfielder Arjen Robben. The game is scheduled to be played Wednesday at Arena Corinthians, São Paulo at 4:00 Eastern.

The loss knocked Belgium out of the tournament.

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Although extremely agitated by the Red Devils’ loss, Satan could not resist getting Lionel Messi’s autograph outside Argentina’s dressing room.

When asked about Messi’s performance in the tournament so far, Satan said “Look, I know he’s the Son of God and all, and he’s been trained by the Inquisition in Barcelona since he was 13, but he’s only one man! If we can’t come up with a game plan to neutralize one man’s influence then I don’t hold out much hope for the future.”

“I swear to God I don’t know what to do with this coach,” said an exasperated Satan. “I give him all the young talent anyone could want, and we get a disappointing result like this. I mean, holy shit, most of our opponents don’t even believe in evolution! If we can’t even defeat a bunch of morons and dim wits then we might as well give up.”

Coach Wilmots’ contract with Mephistopheles and the Red Devils is not up for another 25 years, so a buyout seems unlikely. He is currently receiving two soccer cleats full of gold each month for services rendered to the Belgian team.

The Messiah Rises…Again!

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – Lionel Messi’s brilliant pass to Angel Di Maria in the 118th minute and Di Maria’s subsequent goal boosted Argentina past the neutral Swiss and on to the quarter finals in the World Cup.

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The Messiah and his disciple the Archangel Di Maria celebrate victory over the forces of darkness.

Switzerland kept Our Savior down for a valiant 117 minutes, and Argentina’s offense appeared to be deceased. With two, three, even four defenders on him whenever he had the ball, the Messiah failed to link up with disciples, failed to take over the game as he had in the group stage, and failed to get his team on the scoreboard. Some of the disciples even expressed doubt as to whether victory over death could be achieved.

With the score still knotted at 0-0 and only two minutes of extra time left, penalty kicks seemed inevitable.

Then the Lamb of God roared back to life. The Swiss defender Stephan Lichtsteiner lost the ball near midfield, and Our Lord, for once, found himself with space to run at the defense. He drove forward past two players to the edge of the box, thus rolling back the stone of the Swiss defense.

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The stone doorway placed in front of the Swiss goal was rolled away at the last possible moment.

The Redeemer then fed his chief disciple, the Archangel Di Maria, who was hovering six inches off the ground on the right side. Di Maria coolly slotted the ball home into the far corner with his left foot, giving Argentina the lead at the latest possible moment.

There was much rejoicing all over the world, particularly in Buenos Aires, the Vatican Basilica, and the Cabin Anthrax.

The victory puts Argentina into a quarter-final match at the Estadio Nacional in Brasilia on Saturday. The Good Shepherd will lead his flock of believers against Belgium in what promises to be an exciting and high scoring battle for souls of the undecided.