GOP Congressman From North Carolina Advocates A Return To The Middle Ages “Because Everything Just Made More Sense Back Then”

beheading3

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P)—At a recent town hall in Charlotte’s suburbs, North Carolina House Republican Robert Pittenger compared the right to fire LGBT workers to the right to smoke cigarettes on private property.

After assuring ThinkProgress that he “respects everyone” and “loves people,” Pittenger said he believes companies should have the right to fire or refuse to hire someone because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

hobbylobby1

Pittinger is an outspoken member of the “Know-Nothing” wing of the GOP, who believe that businesses are independent living entities whose civil rights should be respected over those of mere human beings

“You need to respect the autonomy of somebody running their business,” he said. “It’s like smoking bans. Do you ban smoking or do people have the right to private property? I think people have the right to private property. In public spaces, absolutely, we can have smoking bans. But we don’t want to micromanage people’s lives and businesses. If you have a business, do you want the government to come in and tell you you need to hire somebody? Why should government be there to impose on the freedoms we enjoy?”

Though North Carolina is one of 29 where bosses can still fire someone for being LGBT or merely perceived as such, Pittenger asserted: “I believe people are already protected.”

medieval

Like many of his supporters on the Christian Right, Pittinger believes that gay and lesbian lives should be spared, but that they should be encouraged to change their sexual preference

The freshman congressman said that’s why he is opposed to passing the Employee Non-Discrimination Act, known as ENDA for short, which would make it illegal for companies and unions to hire, fire, promote, or compensate people differently based on sexual orientation or gender identity. The protections in the bill—which passed the Senate around a year ago—would not apply to religious organizations, members of the armed forces, or companies with fewer than 15 employees.

Pittenger is also a strong advocate of abolishing the child labor laws, which would allow children to be put to work as soon as they are able to walk.

“Who is the federal government to tell a businessman that he can’t use ‘little people’ to mine his coal, or work in his sweatshops?” queried Pittenger, who graduated from the Jay Gould College of Unfettered Capitalism with a major in Plantation Systems.

“The founding fathers were wise enough not to make a big stink over things like slavery and dangerous working conditions, so why should we?” said Pittenger, while nervously fiddling with his trademark bullwhip.

Labour Force Work Under Difficult Conditions To Complete Commonwealth Games

Pittenger warned his audience that until America “wised-up” and abolished the silly and restrictive child labor laws we would never be able to compete with the rest of the world

Pittenger—who is running unopposed—isn’t likely to have the chance to cast a yea or nay vote on the legislation anytime soon, as House Speaker John Boehner has said there is “no way” he will bring it to the floor for debate.

Earlier this year, President Obama signed an executive order extending employment protections to LGBT workers for all companies with federal government contracts. The new regulations will reach over one million LGBT workers across the country, but millions of people in North Carolina and across the country remain unprotected.

As many as 43 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people and 90 percent of transgender people have experienced some form of harassment or discrimination in the workplace, but what else would one expect in our “Christian” nation?

Frustrated By Today’s Loss To Aston Villa, Mario Balotelli Pledges To “Get Medieval On Their Ass”

MARIO-BALOTELLI-GUN-facebook

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference just after today’s 1-nil loss to Aston Villa at Anfield, Liverpool striker Mario Balotelli told reporters that he plans on “getting medieval on their ass” the next time the two clubs meet.

balotelli-meme-machine-gun

Balotelli effectively declared war on all other teams within the league

Balotelli, along with the rest of the Liverpool offense, looked anemic against a well-organized Aston Villa defense which frustrated the men in red for most of the game.

Balotelli was manhandled and abused by Villa’s defenders, who for most of the game did not have to worry with defending the lightning-fast Raheem Sterling, who rode the bench until late in the second half. Also missing was the creative Daniel Sturridge who is out due to injury.

balotelli-ibiza-holiday-girls-nationalturk-0233-e13425374156603

Known for his temper tantrums both on and off the field, Balotelli has run into trouble with football’s governing bodies on several occasions

Super Mario looked anything but in the performance, but he pledged that the next time he was on the pitch, things would be different.

balotelli-meme-stroller

Balotelli was once suspended for five games for kidnapping the opposing goalkeeper’s infant during a match while he was at AC Milan

“Let us have a dagger in our teeth, a bomb in our hands, and infinite scorn in our hearts when we travel to West Ham next week,” said Balotelli, paraphrasing one of his heroes, Benito Mussolini. “War alone brings up to their highest tension all human energies and imposes the stamp of nobility upon the teams that have the courage to make it, and I am declaring war on the rest of the Premier League!”

“It is humiliating to remain with our hands folded while others write history. It matters little who wins. To make a team great it is necessary to send it to battle even if you have to kick it in the shorts. That is what I shall do. Inactivity is death!” screamed Balotelli as he strutted around the podium like a rooster with a mohawk.

balotelli-ibiza-holiday-girls-nationalturk-0233-e1342537415660

Although Balotelli has often been in trouble with managers and league officials, his good taste has never been questioned

Although he shared Balotelli’s disgust with his team’s performance Liverpool manager Brendon Rodgers could shed no light on Balotelli’s obsession with fascist dictatorships.

“I have no fucking clue what the dude is talking about,” said Rodgers. “I just wish the son of bitch would mark his man better during corner kicks.”

Missouri Passes Strict Anti-Abortion Legislation; Rejects Similar Law Protecting Unarmed Black Teens

missouri22

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Missouri lawmakers enacted one of the nation’s most stringent abortion waiting periods Wednesday, overriding a veto of legislation that will require women to wait 72 hours after consulting with a doctor before ending a pregnancy.

B0003402 Early human embryo

Missouri lawmakers have always had the utmost respect for zygotes, but that respect dwindles after the child is born, particularly if it turns out to be black, a Democrat, or God forbid both.

The vote by Missouri’s Republican-led Legislature overrules the veto of Democratic Gov. Jay Nixon, who had denounced the measure as “extreme and disrespectful” toward women because it contains no exception for cases of rape or incest.

About half of the states, including Missouri, already have abortion waiting periods of 24 hours.

Missouri’s new law will be the second most-stringent behind South Dakota, where its 72-hour wait can sometimes extend even longer because weekends and holidays are not counted. Utah is the only other state with a 72-hour delay, but it grants exceptions for rape, incest and other circumstances.

Missouri lawmakers specifically rejected an amendment earlier this year that would have granted exceptions for rape and incest. Abortion opponents argued that it would have diminished the value of some lives depending on how they were conceived.

The state legislature is of course 75% white male.

MISSOURI-master1050

Legislators pointed out that Missouri cops feel threatened by unarmed black males, who might hurt them in some way

Legislators also rejected an amendment to the law that would have called for a “five-minute cooling off period” before cops gunned down unarmed black teenagers on Missouri’s city streets. Lawmakers expressed concern that the amendment would sow confusion among “them negras,” and create an atmosphere of disrespect in cities where all white police forces lorded over majority black neighborhoods.

“We just can’t take away an officer’s right to choose,” said Jeffrey Jingo, a state senator from Bigot Bluffs. “If we let young black males freely roam our streets without showing them who’s boss, then all hell could break loose. I mean, you saw what happened in Ferguson, right? The last thing we need is all them colored folks thinking they enjoy the same civil rights as respectable members of our community.”

Planned Parenthood, which operates Missouri’s only licensed abortion clinic in St. Louis, has not said whether it will challenge the 72-hour waiting period in court. But the organization has said its patients travel an average of nearly 100 miles for an abortion, and an extra delay could force them to either make two trips or spend additional money on hotels.

Missouri’s new waiting period law will take effect 30 days after the veto-override vote.

 

In Missouri killing Black teens is cool, but abortion isn’t. Maybe have kid, wait till is & 17 then shoot it?

waltermondalejnr's avatarWalter Mondale Jnr

handsupdontshoot-e1408470776768Missouri  Enacts 3-Day Waiting Period For Abortion – Although to help desperate pregnant women they do have a practical solution: skip the abortion. Raise the kid till it’s in high school, and then get the cops to shoot it. Currently the Missouri legislature is unclear on whether you can shoot it yourself once it is a teenager. State supreme court should probably clarify…

Posted: 09/11/2014 12:40 am EDT Updated: 09/11/2014 2:59 pm EDT

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (AP) — Missouri lawmakers enacted one of the nation’s most stringent abortion waiting periods Wednesday, overriding a veto of legislation that will require women to wait 72 hours after consulting with a doctor before ending a pregnancy.

The vote by Missouri’s Republican-led Legislature overrules the veto of Democratic Gov. Jay Nixon, who had denounced the measure as “extreme and disrespectful” toward women because it contains no exception for cases of rape…

View original post 472 more words

Obama Responds To Syrian Objections Over Airstrikes: “Fuck You Bashar!”

obama9

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Responding to Syrian objections over the Administration’s plans to fly combat missions against ISIS in Syrian territory, President Obama told journalists at the White House that as far as he was concerned, Bashar Assad could “Fuck off and die.”

obama_wut_AP

The President scoffed at Assad’s promises to turn the U.S. Air Force into a heap of smoking wreckage in the “Mother of All Air Battles”

In a speech to the nation last night, Mr. Obama said the United States was recruiting a global coalition to “degrade and ultimately destroy” the militants, known as the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria. He warned that “eradicating a cancer” like ISIS was a long-term challenge that would put some American troops at risk.

“We will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are,” Mr. Obama declared in a 14-minute address. “That means I will not hesitate to take action against ISIL in Syria, as well as Iraq,” he added, using an alternative name for ISIS. “This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.”

Mr. Obama specifically stated that he would not place U.S. “boots on the ground” in Iraq or Syria, which most intelligent pundits interpreted as meaning that we will have no large ground units in the Middle East like we did in the recent Iraq and Afghanistan wars, but did not preclude the use of special forces units and forward air observers.

Obama-Angry

Mr. Obama has been practicing his “full moon maniacal dictator look” in the mirror in case he needs it as the war with ISIS heats up

Although Mr. Obama has received political support from both parties on his policy statement, some pundits on the far right, particularly those who depend on Fox News for their income, have criticized the President for not going far enough. In addition, several members of the wing nut radio talk show crowd, along with former members of the Bush Administration, continue to blame Obama for the whole situation.

“The Bush Administration and its cheerleaders caused this clusterfuck by invading Iraq in the first place,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Anyone who listens to Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, or Sean Hannity on this subject needs his head examined anyway. They’re best bet is to shut the fuck up, that way they won’t sound so ignorant.”

Sunshine State Shocker: Federal Law Enforcement Authorities Manage To Do Something Useful

florida

ORLANDO-Citizens of the “Sunshine State” were left stunned this week after federal law enforcement agents took time off from drug-interdiction duties long enough to round up a group of miscreants in central Florida’s Osceola County. In a shocking deviation from the norm, federal agents participated in a well planned and effective sting operation that netted around a dozen members of a white supremacist group, “The American Front.”

americanfront1

Marcus “Tyrannus” Paella, Obersturmfuhrer and trailer owner

The U.S. Justice Department has long considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are actually true. They actually believe what they hear from Fox News pundits and Tea Party candidates. Combine that with the native population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a volatile combination.”

Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.

americanfront2

Christopher “Scrotum Face” Brooks

The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”

After a laid back afternoon of barbecue, draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and ATF.

“We certainly did surprise them,” said Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of methamphetamine.

americanfront3

Richard “Swamp Nazi” Stockdale

Local law enforcement officials were not surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.

Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella, Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.

americanfront4

Diane “Hepatitis C” Stevens

According to court documents the group had planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of May Day activities this spring.

The property on which the American Front headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels leading nowhere. Sandbags and railroad ties were stacked in defensive positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle ports but could just be caused by rats.

Marcus and Patricia Faella were released after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their henchmen were left to rot in jail.

Editor’s Note: This article was reprinted from January 8th of this year because I am feeling too damn lazy to write today. Besides, I have to repair a leaky toilet before it falls into the crawlspace and releases hundreds of giant hostile scorpions from the depths. I have not bothered to check on the status of any of these morons, but knowing Florida they are probably still walking around free and are planning on hopping the next Greyhound to Murphy-if they can read, that is.

Smith To Replace McCarthy At EPA

agentsmith

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Disgusted with the glacial pace of environmental reform and the gas and oil industry’s stubborn refusal to admit culpability for the world’s ongoing climate crisis, President Obama has announced sweeping changes at the EPA including the appointment of a new administrator, Agent Smith.

Agent_Smith_Clone

Smith conferred with himself for several days before accepting the new position at EPA

“Smith knows how to get things done,” said the President, at a brief White House press conference this morning. “We believe that Smith’s ability to replicate himself and seemingly be everywhere at once will save us money on inspectors and help cut through bureaucratic red tape. After all, nearly everyone is terrified of the man, and all those who have taken him on in the past have ended up dead.”

Smith told reporters that he was honored to be taking over the leadership role at EPA, as  he had long wanted to do something about the plague of humans destroying what was once a pristine planet.

agentsmith4

The ubiquitous Agent Smith’s ability to replicate himself is considered one of his most valuable assets. “Since he requires only one salary and benefits package, he’ll save us millions in health care costs alone,” said President Obama.

“I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here,” said Smith. “It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You’re a plague and I am the cure.”

The appointment of Smith was made over protests from nearly every industry leader in the United States, who have had free rein to run roughshod over environmental rules and regulations up to this point.

bricktop4

President Obama threatened to bring in Bricktop if Agent Smith should fail in his mission

“It’s downright unpatriotic to prevent us from destroying our great country’s land and water resources!” said ExxonMobil’s CEO Rex Tillerson, a huge proponent of fracking. “For decades we have been allowed to pollute and lay waste to the land, air, and water of this great land, and now is no time to try to stops us. It might raise the cost of a gallon of gasoline an extra ten cents! Do you want to pay an extra ten cents per gallon every time you fill up? Obama is obviously a Muslim communist intent on destroying our economy through needless rules and regulations. It’s outrageous!”

Tillerson, an industry leader, made the list of “Top Ten American Hypocrites of 2014” for joining a lawsuit to prevent fracking close to the neighborhood in which he lives. He joined other luminaries on the list such as the Reverend Pat Robertson and Judge Antonin Scalia.

When asked what would happen to the environment and future generations if Smith did not bring the energy sector under some semblance of control, Tillerson replied, “Fuck the fucking environment and fuck future generations. We are here to make money, plain and simple.”

Smith is scheduled to assume his new post on October 1st.

Deranged Chattanooga Minister Advocates Raising The Price Of A New Wife To 300 Foreskins

Robby-Gallaty.jpg.pagespeed.ic.ieD2dTpPnW

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Pastor Robby “The Cretin” Gallaty of Brainerd Baptist Church in Chattanooga, Tennesse dedicated his hour-long sermon on Sunday to explaining why Christians should feel free to discriminate against gays.

godhates2

Gallaty is still in mourning the passing of Pastor Fred “Beelzebub” Phelps, his hero and mentor, who is currently roasting in hell while being sodomized with a chain saw

Gallaty told his all white intellectually underpowered congregation that being gay is an offense to God.

“God said that the sins of the people [of Sodom and Gomorrah] had infected the very land in which they lived,” Gallaty said. “So what happens to the people who engage in this activity, this sexual immoral activity? Go to Leviticus 20, God gives us the punishment for engaging in these sins … ‘If a man sleeps with a man as with a woman, they have both committed a detestable thing. They must be put to death. And their blood is on their own hands.”

Homosexuality, Gallaty claimed, is an “attack on the family and marriage, and we need to put an end to this madness once and for all by executing those caught indulging in sexual acts that I don’t approve of!”

This is not the first time Gallaty has lost his fucking mind while in the pulpit. The theme of last week’s sermon was the artificially low price paid for wives in America.

foreskins

Gallaty thinks that after remaining fixed for 2000 years the going price of a new bride should be raised to at least 300 foreskins

“The price of a new wife has been the same for over 2000 years!” screamed Gallaty to his incredulous flock. “Does anyone think that a hundred foreskins is a fair price to pay any proud papa? Why even David paid Saul twice the going rate. Please turn to 1 Samuel 18:27 in your Bible and read with me…”

Wherefore David arose and went … and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.”
godhates1

Many in Gallaty’s congregation starting having doubts about his sanity when he erected this monument on the church grounds in 2007

“Now I propose that we raise the price of a bride to at least 300 hundred foreskins in order to index for inflation, I think it will boost the economy and encourage men to take better care of their wives,” said Gallaty, as drool and mucous dripped from his face. “But I’m willing to be reasonable about all this,” continued Gallaty, “I think God would be OK with partially substituting atheist and liberal foreskins since Philistines are so damn hard to track down in this day and age.”

Many pundits believe that the cause of Gallaty’s psychological problems is a deep sexual insecurity combined with his strict interpretation of the Bible.
“Gallaty seems to think that everything in that book is true and all the weird rules in it have to be followed to the letter,” said Dr. John Bigboote of Yoyodyne Laboratories in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. “I mean who in their right mind thinks Noah built an ark and put two of every animal species in the damn thing? The whole fucking U.S. Navy couldn’t pull that off.”
snake2

Many families are leaving Gallaty’s congregation and are flocking to nearby Viperpalian churches, which are considered more mainstream in Tennessee

Many in Gallaty’s congregation agree that he is mentally disturbed, or at the very least obsessed with male genitalia.

Three weeks ago five families withdrew from the church and joined a nearby snake handling church that offered a more reasonable interpretation of the Word of God.
Deacon Billy Bob McSneed, who led the mutiny, told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that “We had just had enough of his weird shit. Week after week it’s scrotum this, penis that. There’s only so much genital talk that one can stand. Why, this spring the maniac preached a sermon from Deuteronomy where he said that God would not allow anyone into the Kingdom of Heaven with wounded or crushed testicles. Afterwords the freak wanted to inspect every male church member’s scrotum! We’ve had it!”
Attendance at Brainerd Baptist does not seem to be hurting however. For every family that leaves another comes to replace it. Dr. Bigboote attributed this phenomenon to a woeful lack of formal education in this country and particularly in eastern Tennessee. Bigboote remarked, “It’s just like P.T. Barnum said, ‘There’s a fool born every minute.'”

 

Glenn Beck Predicts Asteroid Strike On 9/11

asteroid

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Conspiracy theorist and right-wing nutcase Glenn Beck reported today that a coalition of terrorist groups led by ISIS, the Taliban, and Al-Qaeda In The Florida Peninsula (ALF) have successfully re-routed a huge asteroid that is poised to strike earth in the early morning hours of September 11th.

glennbeck3

Beck spent the first fifteen minutes of his program yesterday defending himself after a caller accused him of being an escapee from the Island of Dr. Moreau

Only yesterday Beck reported that 11 commercial jet-liners were missing from Tripoli International Airport and were destined to be flown to a town near you in order to immolate your friends and entire extended family in huge fireballs of Muslim retribution.

The revelations were seen and heard by the dozens of regular viewers of the Glenn Beck program on Beck’s fantasy television network, TheBlaze. TheBlaze is a site dedicated to terrifying the mentally challenged with ridiculous conspiracy theories, grammar school-level historical revisionism, and religious and political propaganda worthy of the best efforts of Joseph Goebbels.

“We are not quite sure where these heathen got the technology to re-route huge boulders millions of miles out in space, but I suspect that the Iranians are involved,” said Beck, as saliva dripped from one corner of his mouth.

GlennBeckCrying

Beck became quite emotional as he described the Obama-led worldwide conspiracy to destroy the earth set to culminate only few days hence

“It is quite possible that President Obama handed over the top-secret tractor beam technology to the Iranians as part of his efforts to appease Islam, because everyone knows he is secretly working with the U.N. towards building a worldwide caliphate that would eventually mean the end of all logical and rational religions such as the LDS,” said the unhinged Beck, who began rolling a couple of steel ball bearings around in his left hand.

“I urge all my fans and followers to demand action by the U.S. government to intercept the planes and rocks that will be hurtling towards us on September 11th, lest the world as we know it come to an end,” said an emotional Beck, as two of his aides pulled him from in front of the camera.

No independent verification of Beck’s claims has so far been made.

Many sane sources believe that the revelations are on par with some of Beck’s other theories, including the worldwide attempt by climate scientists to silence all dissenters, “just like Hitler,” or comparing embryonic stem cell research to Nazi eugenics programs, or his claim that he had deciphered a “secret code” that proved President Obama was trying to set up an oligarchy.

Of course we won’t know for sure until September 12th rolls around, but Las Vegas odds-makers have said that Beck has about a one in a billion chance of being correct, based on his past performance.

Obama Holds Urgent Talks With Leaders Of Countries Under No Threat Whatsoever

obama7

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In response to the ongoing third-world crises in Iraq, Ukraine, and Ferguson, Missouri, President Obama flew to a region under no particular immediate threat whatsoever in an attempt to confuse our enemies into thinking we have no fucking idea what we are doing.

At a press conference in Estonia, Mr. Obama pledged unwavering support for Poland and the Baltic countries in the event that Russian troops invaded and took over the region.

Vladimir-Putin-Daily-Kos-Credit.png

Russian President Vladimir Putin assured members of the press that Russia had no intentions of invading as he personally reconnoitered the Ukrainian front lines along the Kalmius River.

“I want the people of the Baltic Rim to know that if Russia ever poses a threat to their freedom, the full might of the U.S. military will hovering somewhere in the general vicinity, ready to look mean and issue dire threats to the invading Cossacks,” said the President.

“The people of Estonia will never stand alone against the Russian threat,” said Obama, “the people of the United States will stand firmly behind you and think pleasant thoughts as you are enslaved once again by oppressors from the East.”

PutinRidingCrane

Photographs taken by Ukrainian military intelligence seem to suggest that the Russians are directing rebel artillery fire from airborne platforms.

The President also outlined his plan for defeating the savage religious zealots of ISIS, currently running amok in Syria and parts of Iraq.

putin5

Putin continues to insist that all he wants is peace, and offered this puppy to the president of Ukraine as an expression of love between the people of the two nations.

“We have initiated an emergency war plan called ‘Operation Dropkick,’ which calls for the redeployment of a crack unit of shock troops to Iraq in order to fight the terrorists of ISIS,” said Obama.

Obama told journalists that the shock troops, known for their brutality and lack of compassion, consist of the combined police forces of Ferguson and St. Louis County Missouri. They will be airlifted along with all their military equipment to Baghdad next week and transported (via forced busing) to the front lines, where they will be turned loose on the vile and evil terrorists.

“This combined force, known as the ‘Devil’s Brigade,’ will be the spearhead of our effort to wipe ISIS off the map,” said the President.

The President told members of the press that the “Devil’s Brigade” was originally slated to fight in eastern Ukraine, but it was thought that the unit would not be able to work up enough hatred to fight members of its own race, so it was redirected to Iraq.

“As long as the Kurds keep those bigots pointed in the right direction, I have confidence that our problems with ISIS will soon be over,” said Mr. Obama.

While Obama was talking tough in Estonia, leader of the Russian hordes Vladimir Putin was conducting solo reconnaissance missions of the Ukrainian front lines along the Kalmius River. He still assures the world that Russian intentions are completely peaceful and he has no plans for invasion within the next 8 to 24 hours.