Monthly Archives: October 2014

Florida Governor Rick Scott Temporarily Misplaces His Mind

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rick55

TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Governor of Cretonia and part-time Aztec snake god Rick Scott temporarily lost his mind Wednesday night during a debate with challenger Charlie Crist. Scott’s irrational and confused state apparently stemmed from an argument over a fan that Crist had placed at his feet in order to keep him cool during the proceedings.

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Scott is widely believed to be a reincarnation of Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Aztec snake god

The debate was delayed for around seven minutes while organizers tried to convince Scott to take the stage and much of the audience cat-called and booed the Governor.

“Scott stomped his foot repeatedly and refused to come on stage for what seemed like an eternity,” said Patty Pollywog, one of the debate’s organizers. “Scott called the fan ‘an electric talisman,’ that could be used to coach Crist. He told us he had heard voices emanating from the fan during previous debates and said that ‘contact with the Great Beyond was strictly forbidden during political appearances.'”

“We finally convinced him to carry on after explaining to him that the fan only evened the odds. Everyone knows that Crist, being a mammal, needed to stay cool under the hot klieg lights on stage, whereas a cold-blooded reptile like Scott would naturally warm up and become more alert and active with the heat.”

Scott finally relented under pressure and the debate went on as planned.

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Governor Scott told a horrified audience that the human sacrifices could be combined with appearances by popular musicians such as Kenny G in order to draw more tourists to the state

Scott seemed to be holding his own until late in the debate when he advocated offering human sacrifices to the sun in order to make sure it rose every day over Florida’s beautiful beaches. He told the audience that an almost endless supply of victims could be found within Florida’s ridiculously overcrowded prison system.

“It would be a real honor for those folks, and they would finally serve some purpose in society and be guaranteed revered status in the Underworld after what would be a particularly savage and painful death,” said Scott.

Scott explained that he was sure that there would be no shortage of law enforcement personnel willing to serve as priests and a series of giant pyramids or ziggurats could be built up and down the coast of Florida where the unfortunate prisoners could have their organs removed on a daily basis.

“Think of the tourist trade,” said Scott. “We would be flooded with visitors from all over the world, and the amount of money we would save not having to house and feed non-violent offenders would be enormous!”

Florida Gov. Crist Visits NOAA's Hurricane Center

Crist, a member of the Boehneris orangicus family of mammals, was crowned winner of Wednesday night’s debate by most pundits

Scott went on to explain that the savings would be used to set up a trust fund that would be used to teach remedial English, math, and science courses to probation officers and other under-educated citizens of Florida.

“It would be a win-win proposition for everyone in the state,” concluded Scott, whose scales had begun to luminesce an unearthly green.

Thankfully at that point aides dragged the glowing Scott offstage and cooled him off with a mobile refrigeration unit kept on hand for that very purpose.

Pundits have generally given Crist the victory in the debate, although some of his ideas such as providing free tanning salons to the state’s less fortunate citizens did raise some eyebrows.

 

 

White House Appoints Brick Top New Surgeon General

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a meeting with health officials at the White House this morning, President Obama has announced that Brick Top will be appointed to assume the post of Surgeon General of the United States.

The last appointee, Dr. Vivek Murthy, failed to be confirmed by Congress after a smear campaign organized by the NRA and right-wing propaganda outlets such as Fox News. However, the White House apparently feels that Brick Top will sail through the confirmation process because he has files on every member of Congress and knows “where the bodies are buried.”

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Brick Top told reporters he had been “taken aback” by the poor quality of Ebola reporting on cable outlets. “In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary…come again? Did you guys even pass a 6th grade science class?”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that Brick Top was chosen because of his innate ability “to get things done in a timely and efficient manner, regardless of the situation.”

“Brick Top knows how to cut through red tape…and flesh and bone for that matter,” said Earnest. “The President is frankly sick to death of all the hysteria being spread by imbecile pundits on cable outlets regarding the Ebola situation, and he wanted to appoint someone who could silence the critics and put this thing to bed.”

“Did you know there is even a conspiracy theory making the rounds that the CDC is lying to the public regarding transmission of the disease? I tell you guys, there is no shortage of stupid in this country. After he takes care of this crisis, the President is thinking of putting Brick Tip in charge of a complete overhaul of the Department of Education so we can at least come up to Third World standards.”

After Earnest was finished Brick Top came to the podium to make a few remarks.

“I want everyone in this room to understand who is in charge now,” said Brick Top. “I don’t want any criticism from you or your ilk about my methods or how the CDC is handling this matter. If I hear one more muttonheaded story on Fox News or CNN, I can assure you that you will be paid a visit by one of my boys. For you new guys, crossing me will win you a tour of my pig farm.”

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Brick Top made it quite clear that anyone trumpeting any more hysterical conspiracy theories would be a “guest of honor” at his pig farm in rural Maryland

The new Surgeon General then gave a detailed description of just what a tour of his pig farm meant…

“You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.

For the first time in history there were no follow-up questions from the White House Press Corps.

 

Feds Advise Potential Ebola Victims To Avoid Contracting The Disease In Dallas

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Director of the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta Dr. Tom Frieden advised anyone who was thinking of contracting Ebola to do so “just about anywhere other than Dallas.”

Dr. Frieden addressed the press while on a lunch break at a Mexican restaurant on Buford Highway.

“I would like to strongly advise those who are considering exposing themselves to blood, feces, or any bodily fluid from an Ebola patient to do so in Atlanta or in another major city that has competent medical personnel,” said Frieden. “If I were thinking of contracting the disease I would definitely steer clear of Texas in general and Dallas in particular.”

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Dr. Frieden advised Americans that if they planned to contract Ebola to at least do it in a state where the governor can find his ass with both hands.

When asked why he was issuing the warning, Dr. Frieden slammed a bean burrito down his gullet and replied, “Look, those idiots in Dallas were the ones who let that dude run around the city unchecked for days before he was hospitalized. They also don’t seem to be able to follow simple protocol or safety measures. They are currently 0-1 when it comes to fighting the virus, and we here in Atlanta are so far 2-0 on the season. Who would you rather have treating you?”

Dr. Frieden was also asked about Bill O’Reilly’s demand that he should resign in disgrace because of the current panic over Ebola’s appearance in the U.S.

“That pompous cretin represents the very people who cut our funding almost 50% and then he has the balls to turn around and criticize us for something that, given the anemic response to the outbreak, was inevitable. He is the very definition of a horse’s ass. Can you imagine what it would be like to work for that asshole? I feel sorry for the bastards who have to tolerate him on a daily basis. I’d rather be exposed to smallpox.”

Dr. Frieden went on to say that he “would resign just as soon as O’Reilly receives a degree in epidemiology”, which given the Fox News pundit’s low IQ, would be sometime shortly after hell freezes over.

 

 

 

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Actor Ben Affleck To Undergo Surgery On Thursday

Posted in humor, politics, religion by
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A pensive Affleck reflects on what it must be like to be as intelligent as Sam Harris

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Ben Affleck is scheduled to have major surgery on Thursday to have his head removed from his ass in what doctors are calling “a last-ditch effort” to save the actor’s credibility. Affleck’s affliction, Colonhead Syndrome, has been spreading rapidly throughout the liberal landscape and has perverted the normally progressive and enlightened thinking of its victims.

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Affleck’s condition is said to extremely grave. Doctors are hopeful that he can be cured, as he is normally a lucid defender of liberal ideals and values.

Other prominent personalities currently suffering from the syndrome include journalist Glenn Greenwald and scholar Reza Aslan, author of the book Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, an insightful work he completed before falling victim to the dread disease.

Symptoms of the syndrome include an inability to think clearly, failure to grasp nuanced arguments, and violent knee-jerk reactions when anyone criticizes any religion other than Christianity or Judaism. Irrational reactions have been observed to be particularly virulent when anyone dares to criticize Islam, with sufferers accusing the offending party of being a Neolithic Islamophobe, or a “genocidal fascist maniac.”

No one realized the extent of Affleck’s grave condition until his appearance on Bill Maher’s show Real Time last week. Affleck got into a heated debate with his host as well as Sam Harris, Maher’s featured guest, over the tenets of Islam and how the U.S. should deal with the murderous thugs from ISIS as well other bands of religious freaks who are bent on slaughtering all those who disagree with their interpretation of the Quran.

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Colonhead Syndrome is in the same family of afflictions as Horse’s Ass Disease, an ailment most commonly suffered by Fox News pundits.

Harris had little time to respond to Affleck’s ponderous criticisms because one symptom of Colonhead Syndrome is diarrhea of the mouth, which Affleck displayed during the entire show. Maher did his best to convince Affleck that Islam is as Harris put it, “the motherload of bad ideas” in the modern world, but he was having none of it, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Dr. John Bigboote and Dr. John Smallberries of Yoyodyne Laboratoris will lead the surgical team who will attempt to remove Affleck’s head from his colon on Thursday.

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Sadly, medical science has yet to come up with a treatment for many other diseases, such as the aptly named Dumb-As-A-Stump Disorder making the rounds on the far right.

“The team is hopeful that the surgery will be a success,” said Dr. Bigboote. “Greenwald and Aslan are clearly beyond all hope, but we think Affleck has a chance to lead a relatively normal life after we operate. We have had success in similar circumstances last year when we removed the entire upper torso from one climate change denier’s ass.”

“It would be a damn shame to lose Affleck, as he is normally so articulate and passionate when it comes to righteous causes,” continued Bigboote. “After all, to paraphrase Bill Maher, we are all liberals, and not a bunch of ignorant Tea Baggers. We should be able to debate the issues without resorting to their patented brand of intransigence and hysteria.”

The surgery is scheduled to take place at Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems’ headquarters in Grover’s Mill, N.J. at around 3 PM Eastern. It will be televised on MSNBC and the program will be hosted by Katie Couric, an expert on all things colon.

 

 

 

 

 

Obama To Introduce More Deadly Infectious Diseases To U.S. Beginning In January

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Obama-Angry

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Hoping to build on the successful introduction of Ebola last month, the Administration secretly plans to introduce a wide variety of deadly infectious diseases into the United States over the coming year, according to Fox News dullard Sean Hannity.

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Dr. Mobley, who has been treated in the past for paranoid schizophrenia, is seen here trying to buy a one way ticket to a remote research facility in Antarctica

On Wednesday’s show Hannity once again trotted out the unstable conspiracy theorist Dr. Gil Mobley, who told Hannity’s mortified viewers that it’s “absolutely inevitable” the U.S. will be “importing Ebola and other lethal viruses on an hourly basis come next spring.”

“It’s all part of Obama’s plan to destroy the United States and leave the country in smoking ruins by the time his presidency comes to an end in 2016,” said Hannity. “Ebola is already completely out of control here in the United States, and God help us if it gets a toehold in Central America.”

Hannity claimed “a top U.S. commander” is warning that if Ebola breaks out in Central America, we’ll be overrun with contagious brown-skinned immigrants “It’s literally, Katy, bar the door,” Hannity said, supposedly quoting that “top U.S. commander.”

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After being told that Delta no longer offered direct flights to Antarctica, Dr. Mobley enlisted the help of a friendly airport employee in an attempt to figure out where the hell he parked his ambulance.

Mobley called the Central American scenario “very real.” He went on to say, “They say it’s hard to catch but you tell that to the NBC cameraman that caught it from a car.”

Mobley went on to explain that contrary to all the scientific evidence ever gathered on Ebola and other viruses that cause hemorrhagic fever, the deadly disease could be contracted by coming into contact with inanimate objects and various modes of transport such as automobiles, buses, airplanes, and even interplanetary mother ships piloted by aliens.

“The best thing people can do is to dig an expedient shelter in the ground somewhere around their home, and stay there indefinitely,” said Mobley. “I have plans on my web site for such shelters, complete with home-made latrines and running water, provided you have a stream or river running through the middle of your neighborhood. The plans are only $24.99, and all you need is a shovel, a low IQ, and a maniacal, obsessive hatred of the President and black folks in general in order to get the job done.”

Hannity was unclear as to just how the conspiracy was hatched, but was very specific as to when it was put in motion.

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Hannity told his viewers that although the Antichrist Obama had been held at bay so far by brave members of the Tea Party and various other unhinged organizations, this latest conspiracy would spell doom for life as we know it in America

“Benghazi was the first act in this apocalyptic play,” said Hannity. “Obama, with the help of Hillary Clinton, sacrificed one of our ambassadors in order to throw us off the trail, and the heinous plan worked to perfection. That idiot Darrell Issa swallowed it hook, line and sinker.”

Hannity went on to say that the Administration planned to start off small with the introduction of Rift Valley Fever in January, but planned on cranking up the pressure later in the spring with weaponized Bubonic Plague and smallpox sprayed from drones circling the American heartland. The home-grown terror campaign would be topped off next summer with the delivery of anthrax laden hot dog buns to every grocery store in the U.S. prior to the July 4th holiday.

When contacted for comment on Hannity’s hysterical revelations, White House spokesman Josh Earnest told the New York Times “It never ceases to amaze me that anyone takes anything they hear on Fox News seriously. I suppose it is a sad testament to the woeful state of public education in this country.”

In response, Hannity later told his radio listeners “See, they’re denying it all! That’s a sure sign that I’m right on the money about this whole thing! We’re all doomed, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

TSA On High Alert As Obama Administration Unveils Useless And Ineffective New Ebola Screening At Airports

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In response to the near hysterical ravings of pundits on both Fox and CNN regarding the single confirmed Ebola case in the country, and the resulting abject panic shown by weaker-minded American citizens, the U.S. government will begin screening passengers arriving at five airports from West African countries affected by the Ebola outbreak, the White House announced this afternoon.

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Earnest wanted reporters to assure the traveling public that TSA personnel were already taking time out from feeling-up attractive female passengers to look for anyone bleeding from the nose, ears, or mouth.

The five airports – John F. Kennedy International in New York, Newark, Chicago O’Hare, Atlanta and Washington Dulles—account for 94 percent of the passengers arriving each day from Liberia, Sierra Leone and Guinea, said White House press secretary Josh Earnest. And there are only about 150 such passengers each day at those airports, making it more feasible to screen people more intensively who come from or recently visited the affected countries.

The Liberian man who died of Ebola in Dallas, Thomas Eric Duncan, arrived from Brussels at Dulles before flying to Dallas/Fort Worth International.

“The vast majority of passengers from those countries would be subject to this additional layer of screening,” Earnest said.

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TSA officers will undergo three weeks of intensive training so that they will be able to accurately take the temperature of every arriving passenger from the hot zone.

“That will counter and has countered the spread of Ebola,” he said, adding that pre-departure screening is only part of the process. Officials at U.S. airports have already been trying to spot travelers with potential Ebola symptoms.

Screening for fever will be conducted by Customs and Border Patrol, Coast Guard and personnel from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Earnest said. And he said, the screening shouldn’t cause any “significant disruption to the broader traveling public.”

Earnest failed to say just why the hell Coast Guard personnel would be used in the airports, but experts assume that their success at keeping illegal drugs out of the country had something to do with it.

The White House Spokesman wasn’t sure if travelers with a fever would be put into quarantine. The Department of Homeland Security will provide more details on the new procedures later today.

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A source close to the CDC who wished to remain anonymous assured Fox News pundit Eric Bolling that there was really nothing to worry about and any white person who contracted the disease would receive the best medical care money could buy.

“I’m really not sure what we are going to do with someone who has a fever,” said Earnest. “It really does not matter anyway, because you don’t have to have a fever to be harboring the deadly virus.”

Duncan apparently had no fever until a few days after he arrived in Dallas, so the precautions are obviously just an attempt by the Administration to show that it is doing something, however ineffective that something may be.

Earnest conceded that there’s no way to screen people who are infected before they show symptoms — which is the point at which they become contagious.

“What we’re trying to do is quickly isolate cases of individuals who are showing symptoms” and therefore could spread the disease. “You can’t get it through the air. It’s not like the flu or catching a cold… What we’re trying to do is safeguard the global transportation infrastructure at the same time we’re protecting the American public,” said Duncan, with smirk on his face.

“Look, the main thing we are trying to do here is look good and silence the idiots on CNN and Fox who have a ten-year-old’s grasp of science and public health issues,” said Duncan, who addressed the gathering of White House journalists while dressed in a lovely violet hazmat suit.

As Earnest left the podium he encouraged everyone attending the news conference to wash their hands at least 50 times per day and lock themselves inside their homes until the crisis in West Africa has passed, which should be sometime within the next two years.

 

 

 

 

Okra Madness: Daring Police Raid In Bartow County Nets Over 10 Kilos Of High Grade Vegetables

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Cops in Bartow County Georgia made a historic seizure of premium okra on Wednesday morning. A spokesman from the Georgia Bureau of Investigation told reporters in Atlanta that over 10 kilos of high grade seed pods were seized in a pre-dawn raid conducted by a SWAT team from the Governor’s Task Force for Drug Suppression.

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Captain Kermit Stokes led the historic raid which netted over 10 kilos of high-grade okra. He called it “yet another successful operation” in the ongoing War On Drugs.

Dwayne Perry of Cartersville told WSB-TV that he was awakened by a helicopter flying low over his house Wednesday and then some heavily-armed deputies and a K-9 unit showed up at his door. They were all armed with assault weapons, shotguns and stun grenades. They told Perry “they were out looking for marijuana plants.”

What they had seen, apparently, were Perry’s okra plants and a shrub at the end of his house.

Although Perry was not arrested, the offending vegetables were taken into custody. The street value of the okra was estimated to be as high as $5000 but one must keep in mind that the estimate was made by the same idiots that value a pound of pot at 25 to 40 grand.

The okra in question was later distributed amongst the governor’s staff, influential politicians, and high-ranking law enforcement officials as is usually the case when a major bust goes down. The felonious shrub was seized and transported under armed guard to the governor’s wife to plant at their private residence.

“We’re just glad that okra never made it into the mouths of innocent kids,” said Stokes.

“Do you know how much cholesterol is in a 12 cm pod of fried okra? It’s downright scary! I can remember being force-fed boiled okra as a boy on the farm where I grew up. It was like swallowing a bowlful of slime from the creature in Alien. Disgusting!”

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Captain Stokes told reporters that “since almost every annual or perennial looks the same from 5000 feet in the air, we don’t take chances. We consider anyone who maintains a backyard garden to be a dangerous criminal that needs to be investigated thoroughly.”

“And I’ll tell you something else, okra is a precursor ingredient in the manufacture of gumbo and other highly addictive substances. They can do what they like down there in Louisiana, but we are not going stand for letting our kids eat that crap in Georgia. I mean, it’s like hot dogs…who really knows what’s in that stuff?”

Captain Stokes told reporters that although no pot or hard drugs were seized during the raid, he saw no reason to change the modus operandi of the task force.

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Last year, Captain Drake was given a medal after a raid on a white supremacist compound in south Georgia that was thought to be manufacturing methamphetamine and oddly shaped IED’s. Although the target turned out to be a cantaloupe farm owned by relatives of former Governor Jimmy Carter, the raid was hailed as “an overwhelming success.”

“Our standard operating procedure is to fly aimlessly around north and central Georgia and try to spot suspicious plants from heights anywhere from 5000 to 10,000 feet,” said Stokes. “If we see something we think is suspicious, we call in as much firepower as we can muster, including Cobra attack helicopters from the closest Georgia Air National Guard base. You just can’t be too careful because you know how violent and dangerous these potheads usually are.”

“Then we storm the property, terrorize the homeowner, and demand to know which cartel he is associated with. It really is a successful formula. Sometimes we even get to mow down a dog or blow up an infant in a crib. It’s really a rush.”

Mr. Perry, who is retired and raises vegetables strictly for his own consumption, told WSB News that “No wonder we’re losing the Drug War with idiots like these folks running around. My neighbors now refer to me as Scarface. Thank God my chihuahua Ralph was locked in the bedroom. I’m sure these morons would have seen him as “clear and present danger” and roasted him alive with a flamethrower. I intend to sue the Governor and anyone else I can.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Laura Ingraham To Be Placed In Quarantine

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Conservative media personality Laura Ingraham speaks during the inaugural Freedom Summit meeting for conservative speakers in Manchester

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Radio talk show host and Fox News pundit Laura Ingraham has been detained and will be placed in quarantine facilities in Atlanta, according to Dave Daigle, a spokesman for the CDC. The action comes only two days after Ingraham blamed President Obama for the current cases of Ebola that have cropped up in the United States.

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Ingraham has for some time exhibited signs of instability, particularly when she discusses children or refugees from foreign lands.

On Wednesday’s edition of “The Laura Ingraham Show,” the child-hating anti-immigrant pundit made some despicably naive and misleading comments about President Barack Obama’s handling of the Ebola crisis, using faulty logic: even though President George W. Bush did more for Africa, Obama’s “familial connection with Africa” and compulsion to aid the impoverished region is much more dangerous.

Ingraham wants her listeners to believe that like every other problem in the known universe, the Ebola crisis is Obama’s fault.

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According to Daigle, Ingraham will be released “as soon as she poses no threat to the general public.”

At a press conference on the steps of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, Daigle told reporters that Ingraham had exhibited symptoms of “pretzel logic, bigotry, and an inability to make any sense whatsoever” while on a national broadcast. “We just could not take the chance that Ingraham would spread the infection to her listeners,” said Daigle. “We already have enough conspiracy theory wing nuts running around the country as it is. God help us if she spreads the malady to even more dim witted Americans.”

Daigle stressed that the quarantine was “only a precaution,” and Ingraham would be placed on the same ward with Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, who were already under observation.

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Ingraham will be placed on the same ward with Sarah Palin, who is suffering from some sort of persecution complex and thinks she is being followed by dozens of spiders with human heads.

“We just want to make damn sure that this special form of idiocy doesn’t spread, and we intend to ere on the side of caution, after all, a disease that threatens our ability to reason is just as deadly as Ebola or Dengue Fever to our national well being.”

As she was being transported into the facility in a straight-jacket Ingraham screamed at reporters that she was not insane. “I always make perfect sense! I’m not crazy! This is what you get when you let illegal immigrants into the country! All those kids should be shot!”

Ingraham’s audience of over 1200 listeners are expected to take the quarantine in stride and tune into Glenn Beck instead until she is released.

 

Rogue Bear Wipes Out Hunting Party In Maine

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what Maine Department of Wildlife officials are calling the worst example of black-on-white crime in the history of the state, a large male bear has attacked and devoured a hunting party in the northern portion of the state. Only one of the group of four hunters has lived to tell the tale. He is currently in hospital being treated for wounds to both hands and his scrotum, which was partially removed during the attack.

In an interview with Bloodthirsty Redneck Hunters Magazine, 48-year-old Ronald Dullard said that the bear lured the hunters into deathtrap from which there was practically no escape.

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The unfortunate group of hunters posed for this photo shortly before they set off on their ill-fated expedition.

“We were walking through the woods just chatting and recounting past adventures in which we had slaughtered innocent deer and moose when we noticed what appeared to be a case of Budweiser sitting on a card table in the middle of a clearing,” said Dullard. “We did what any group of well-armed red-blooded American males would do and sat down and began to drink.”

What the group did not know was that they were being observed from a nearby tree stand by a very angry and agitated 600 lb black bear, bent on revenge for the wanton slaughter of his family the year before.

“As we began to fill up on this beer and nature took its course, Joe Bob got up to take a piss,” said Dullard. “He had just disappeared behind this large tree when we heard all this screaming. Turns out he had stepped into a large steel trap cleverly concealed behind the tree. We all got up to help and that’s when all hell broke loose. Billy Joe fell into a punji pit, Bobby Frank was snared and left hanging by one foot upside down, and I have to admit I was just frozen in fear, not knowing what the hell was going on.”

It was then that Dullard saw the bear calmly descend from the tree stand and slowly approach him with what seemed like a smile on his face.

“I was so scared I couldn’t move,” said Dullard. “I watched in horror as this renegade bear disemboweled my friends one by one.”

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Dullard became somewhat of a celebrity in the mid-nineties when he posed for Overweight Redneck Assholes With Guns Magazine

After the bear dispatched the immobile hunters he sauntered over to where Dullard stood wetting his pants and explained to him that unfortunately he was going to have to remove his fingers so that he would never hunt again.

“I pleaded with the bear that I had a wife and two kids that depended on me for food, but he was unmoved,” said Dullard. “He told me I should have thought of that before I came into his neighborhood bent on killing anything that moved.”

The bear then gnawed off a good portion of Dullard’s hands, and as an afterthought took a huge bite out of him in the groin area.

“The bear told me he didn’t want me to sire anymore cowardly hunters that would terrorize future generations of his offspring,” said Dullard. “Then he let me go and told me tell anyone who would listen to stay the fuck away from his patch or they would get the same treatment. It was horrifying.”

Dullard is expected to make a full recovery except for the fact that he will now have to be fitted with prosthetic hands and will have to sit down to urinate.

Investigators sent to the scene confirmed Dullard’s story down to the last detail. They found a sign written in blood and nailed to a nearby tree that read “KEEP OUT-NO FUCKING HUNTING OR I’LL GET MEDIEVAL ON YOUR ASS.”

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When last seen, the bear in question was resting comfortably at home. It seems he needed a nap after such a large and tasty meal.

Katie Hansberry, director of Mainers For Fair Bear Hunting, a group fighting to ban the baiting, trapping, and hounding of black bears, said it was high time the bears starting fighting back.

“I could not be more pleased with this turn of events,” said Hansberry. “For years lazy-ass cowardly hunters have put out bait to attract bears, trapped them in horrific steel traps reminiscent of medieval torture devices, or treed them with packs of dogs before filling them full of lead. It’s inhumane and has to be stopped.”

“It’s high time these insecure balless wonders got a taste of their own medicine. I hope every bear in North America joins in and fights for his or her right to live a happy life free from these savages. Just because a dude has a small penis it’s no damn excuse for him running around the woods on weekends murdering innocent wildlife. Screw ’em!”

Maine wildlife officials have no plans to go after the rogue bear at this time, but have taken the precaution of shortening the hunting season this year. The move has not raised any complaints from the bear hunting community because the last thing the cowards want is to put their own asses on the line by going anywhere they may feel the least bit threatened.

 

 

 

Texas Governor Rick Perry Takes Swift And Decisive Action To Contain Ebola Threat

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rickperry99

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Texas Governor Rick Perry announced today that he had taken “swift and decisive action” to reduce the threat of an Ebola epidemic in and around the Dallas metropolitan area. “I’ve made all the hard decisions necessary to quickly nip this potential crisis in the bud,” said Governor Perry, who still maintains the fantasy that he will be one day be President.

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Governor Perry helped to round-up all hospital personnel who had come into contact with the infected man, including unfortunate filing clerks who had touched the infected patient’s records.

The crisis erupted when it became known that a Dallas man infected with Ebola went to the emergency room to report his symptoms and told a nurse that he had been to West Africa. He was told to take two aspirin, call his doctor in the morning, and sent home to enjoy a nice dinner with his family.

He returned via ambulance two days later and immediately placed in an isolation unit.

Bloomberg’s Kelly Gilblom and Michelle Fay Cortez reported that:

The two-day gap, during which the man was in the community and contagious, occurred because “regretfully, that information was not fully communicated” to other health professionals, said Mark Lester, a hospital system official speaking at a news conference in Dallas today.

“As a result, the full import of that information was not factored into the clinical decision-making,” Lester said…

This isn't the first time Governor Perry accidentally depleted his base. At a photo op in 2009 at the Sam Houston School for the Orphans of Rodeo Clowns, Perry mowed down an entire 3rd grade class with what he thought was a toy machine gun

Governor Perry insisted on personally executing the “incompetent” members of the emergency room staff that let the infected patient loose in the first place

In the Dallas case, the man was in contact with school-age children at some point after arriving in the U.S. according to Texas Governor Rick Perry, who also spoke during the news conference.

“Let me assure you that those children have been identified and imprisoned along with all those damn illegal kids from Central America,” Perry said. “This way, we kill two birds with one stone, which is a time-honored Texas tradition.”

“I’d like to remind everyone in this room that I always said those little brown kids were a threat to our well-being, and damn if it don’t turn out that I was right all along!”

According to Dr. Christopher Perkins of the Dallas Dept. of Health and Human Services, there were five people in the patient’s household  and up to 18 other individuals who came into contact with him, including five students.

Dallas health officials are concerned that one or more of the patient’s contacts may have become infected.

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Governor Perry is currently circling the skies over Dallas in a National Guard aircraft looking for individuals who may exhibit symptoms of the dread disease. Orders have been issued to all law enforcement agencies to add white people with nosebleeds to their “shoot on sight” list which already includes black male teenagers and “suspicious Mexicans.”

Dr. David Lakey, commissioner of the Texas Department of State Health Services noted at the press conference, “They now have a whole ward that’s dedicated to the care of this individual. It’s just too bad the dumb asses at the hospital ever let him roam around the community in the first place.”

“Professionals who claim to be very competent are doing it in a safe environment with compassionate care,” he said. “This is not West Africa, this is a very sophisticated city, a very sophisticated hospital, in a very sophisticated state that lets people walk around with machine guns on their back while shopping for groceries and genital wart cream. The chances of it being spread are very, very small because Governor Perry has already either imprisoned or executed anyone who could possibly have been exposed.”

As the presser was coming to a close, Governor Perry grabbed the mike and said in closing, “I’d like all the citizens of the United States to know that this whole mess could have been avoided had it not been for Obamacare. I’d also like to announce to the public that I have created a blue-ribbon commission to look into just how this unfortunate incident may be in some way related to the tragedy in Benghazi. Thank you and don’t forget to wash your hands at least 200 times a day until this crisis is over.”