Grand Canyon Wolfslayer Admits To Having An Unusually Small Penis

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BEAVER, UTAH (CT&P) – The bloodthirsty asshole who shot and killed Echo, the grey wolf who traveled over 750 miles from the Northern Rockies to the Grand Canyon, has admitted to authorities that his penis and testicles are far below average in size.

The hunter, whose name is being kept secret for fear that actual decent human beings would surround his trailer and skin him alive, told officials that he had “always been insecure about his sexual organs”, and that is one of the main reasons he liked to inflict pain on innocent animals.

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The majestic and beautiful Echo in happier times. Note the huge fucking radio collar she is wearing around her neck. Anyone dumb enough to mistake her for a coyote should not own a firearm.

The pitiful excuse for a man told U.S. Fish and Game officers that he had mistaken the wolf for a coyote.

Genetic tests conducted at the University of Idaho found that the DNA sample taken from the wolf killed on December 28 was identical to the DNA in scat samples taken from Echo, the name given to the Grand Canyon wolf following a worldwide naming contest among schoolchildren.

Wolves in Utah are protected under the Endangered Species Act, and hunting them can bring penalties of up to a year in prison and tens of thousands of dollars in fines. A spokesperson for the Fish and Wildlife Service would not comment on the shooting, but said the investigation is under way.

“I find it very difficult to believe that this asshole could not tell the difference between a coyote and a grey wolf, said the spokesman. “Any third grader could tell the difference with one eye closed, and it would be damn near impossible to miss the huge radio collar that Echo was wearing.”

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Extensive research has shown that men who are unable to satisfy women due to their small size resort to violence against innocent animals

“I think it’s far more likely that this shithead, like most hunters, is trying to compensate for his pencil dick and shrunken testicles by going out and murdering any animal that he comes across. I’m sure he also beats his wife and kids in his spare time.”

The loss of the wolf made international news and has sparked anti-hunting protests across the country.

“It’s very sad news,” said Michael Robinson, a conservationist and wolf advocate at the Center for Biological Diversity. “We and a lot of other people were rooting for her. Echo’s death illustrates the peril wolves face even under the protection of the Endangered Species Act.”

“We certainly hope that this moron will do time and be forced to pay some heavy fines,” said Robinson. Maybe in prison he’ll be able to find someone lonely enough to appreciate his miniscule member. People like this son of bitch should be sterilized before they are able to reproduce.”

 

 

God Condemns Judge Roy Moore To Burn In Hell

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PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN (CT&P) – God paused outside the Pearly Gates this morning long enough to tell reporters that he had decided to let Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore’s soul “burn in hell for all of eternity.”

“I usually reserve judgement on a soul until the human in question assumes room temperature,” said God, “but in Judge Moore’s case I wanted to set an example for all those other cretins down there on earth who think they know what the hell I’m thinking.”

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God advised the residents of Alabama to throw Moore off the court and into a mental institution before he has to take action they will regret.

Because of his recent decisions and orders to probate judges around the state concerning gay marriage, Judge Moore has once again made Alabama the laughingstock of the United States.

In an apparent effort to compound the damage to Alabama’s reputation, Moore appeared on CNN and told “New Day’ host Chris Cuomo that he doesn’t believe the U.S. Supreme Court has the right to “invent a definition of marriage,” that would lead to same-sex marriage being the law of the land because the rights Americans enjoy come from God.

“You are putting God before the laws of man. That’s not what we do in this country. That’s not how it works,” Cuomo countered.

When pressed by Cuomo over why he ordered probate judges in the state not to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, Moore responded, “I had to do this…. “This is not about racial discrimination, it’s about sexual preference overcoming an institution which has existed in our state, in our United States for centuries and I think it’s wrong.”

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God also condemned Pike County Probate Judge Wes Allen to spend eternity in a fiery lake of burning sulphur. “That sniveling little pussy couldn’t find his ass with both hands,” said God. “He deserves to go to hell over his haircut alone. What an idiot.”

Cuomo responded by asking Moore if he had ever had a brain scan to determine if he had a tumor in his prefrontal cortex.

“Listen Chris, no one knows better than me what God wants and I’ll be damned if federal law is going to take precedence over my wisdom,” said Moore.

“This is just the kind of pompous asshole who deserves to be entertained by Lucifer until the stars burn out,” said God after a reporter told him about the interview.

“Article VI, paragraph 2 of the U.S. Constitution, commonly known as the Supremacy Clause, clearly establishes that the federal constitution, and federal law generally, takes precedence over state laws and constitutions,” said the Supreme Being.

“You idiots fought a bloody civil war over this very thing only 150 years ago. You would think that a state supreme court judge would know all this, but Moore is either a psychotic religious freak or a complete dumb ass.”

“Either way, the son of bitch is gonna burn,” chuckled God.

Madison Alabama Cops To Investigate Madison Alabama Cops

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HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning, Captain John “Billy Club” Stringer of the Madison, Alabama Police Department announced that there would be a “thorough investigation” of an incident last week that left a 57 year old grandfather in hospital with temporary paralysis. The granddad was visiting his family from India.

“He was just walking on the sidewalk as he does all the time,” said his son, Chirag Patel, this morning. “They put him to the ground, even though no crime had been committed. The officers later told me that they suspected him of ‘walking while brown in a predominately white neighborhood.'”

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Captain Stringer promised a thorough and unbiased secret internal investigation of the cops he has worked side-by-side with for years. “No way they should have let that towel head survive to testify,” said Stringer.

Walking while brown can get you into a lot of trouble in Madison and other Alabama towns, especially when the perpetrator is a damn foreigner or, God forbid, gay.

Captain Stringer made it clear that the cops would get to the bottom of their fellow cops’ actions as soon as possible.

“We want this investigation to be totally fair and transparent,” said Captain Stringer. “We are here to protect and serve the white population of Madison and we certainly don’t want to do anything to betray the trust we have built up with our white residents, so the public can rest assured that we will spend a great deal of time pretending to do the right thing.”

Stringer said that the names of the officers involved in the brutal and unnecessary treatment would be kept secret, as will all details of the investigation.

“We don’t need a bunch of dumb ass civilians poking around in police business,” said Stringer, “and we really don’t give a fuck what they think anyway. I think the main thing here is to determine just how this subhuman brown-skinned foreigner managed to get out of this thing alive. We may need to lower our threshold when it comes to the use of deadly force.”

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Cops in Alabama have a long history of treating everyone fairly, as long as the suspects are not black, brown, yellow, Hispanic, hippies, liberals, atheists, or homosexuals.

Chirag Patel, the son of the victim, an engineer for one of the many government contractors in Huntsville, said he had just bought a one-way ticket for his father, bringing him from the small Indian town of Pij to his new home in fast-growing suburbs of Madison.

“I wanted Dad to see first hand what a great and progressive state Alabama actually is,” said Patel. “Unfortunately things just did not work out that way.”

Mr. Patel told the Huntsville Times that the family is packing up and plans to “get the fuck out of here” as soon as possible.

“I think we will be returning to India as soon as possible,” said Patel. “At least over there we don’t pretend to offer every citizen equal rights. Over there everyone knows exactly where he stands.”

‘Pathogen Parties’ Becoming Popular On Left Coast

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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – “Pathogen Parties,” or get-togethers of otherwise healthy unvacccinated kids, are rapidly rising in popularity with the anti-vaxxer crowd on the west coast. The parties are designed to expose the children to deadly childhood and adult diseases in order to “toughen them up” for the coming ordeals and disappointments of adult life.

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Hemorrhaging Herman, a professional clown currently suffering from Ebola, has been wildly popular at the CNPA events

“What does not kill you makes you stronger, and we all want strong, healthy kids, don’t we?” said Theresa Twit of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association.

“We got the idea from reading about George Washington vaccinating his troops against smallpox,” said Twit. “He used pus from running sores on smallpox patients and scratched his healthy soldiers’ exposed skin with a filthy needle covered with the live virus. It made perfect sense to us.”

The organization has taken the idea one step further by recruiting diseased children and adults with a whole suite of different communicable diseases and turning them loose to play with the healthy, happy ones.

“We have partnered with Pathogens R Us, a website that hooks up infected individuals with concerned parents all over the United States,” said Twit. “We really owe them a great debt. There’s just no way we could have located enough afflicted people to be effective without their help.”

Pathogens has made it possible for us to recruit kids and adults with all kinds of horrific diseases. They also provide great game ideas for the kids, such as ‘Bodily Fluids Bingo,’ ‘Pin the Tail on the Anthrax’, and ‘Hide and Go Die.’ They even sell a pinata filled with test tubes containing a wide variety of viruses and bacteria that the kids would normally never get a chance to experience.”

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Chuck E. Cheese’s has jumped on the bandwagon to help out the dimwitted parents by developing a toxic “West Coast Menu” and covering its giant rodent mascots with fleas carrying bubonic plague

The CNPA has also formed a partnership with the popular kid’s party palace Chuck E. Cheese’s. The restaurant chain has developed an entirely new ‘West Coast’ menu featuring a variety of toppings laced with life-threatening microbes and parasites. Some of the most popular new pizzas include Salmonella Surprise, Staphylococcus  Supreme, and a gourmet white pizza loaded with botulinum toxin called the Upchuckie.

“We just want our kids to form all the antibodies that are so necessary to combat disease,” said Twit. “We just don’t believe in doing it in the modern fashion accepted by scientists and the general public for decades. For example, we’re currently recruiting polio victims from Pakistan to come in and join us at a gala event at Disneyland next month. We just can’t wait.”

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The effectiveness of the parties is yet to be determined, but the CNPA insists that those kids who make it out of intensive care alive will be better prepared for life than kids with “normal” parents

Pundits and public health officials around California have expressed alarm at the group’s activities and are strongly advising parents to keep their kids “the fuck away” from any parties designed to make their kids critically ill.

California Attorney General Kamela Harris has said publicly that if the parties continue she will be forced to charge the participants with child abuse and with being “too stupid to live in California.”

“These idiots don’t have the sense to get their kids vaccinated in the first place, and now they are importing diseased individuals from all over the world to do the job a doctor could have done in five minutes,” said Harris. “If these cretins want to return to the 7th century, then let them convert to Islam and move to Syria. I mean, fuck!”

Alabama To Reconsider Sharia Law

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MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA (CT&P) – A group of Alabama state senators backed by religious zealot Judge Roy Moore and unhinged racist congressman Mo Brooks (R-AL) have introduced a bill in the Alabama legislature that would effectively overturn a November ballot initiative that banned Sharia law from being used in Alabama’s court system. The November initiative was passed by an overwhelming majority of 72% of voters.

Senator Gerald Allen (R-Tuscaloosa), the idiot who introduced the original amendment, told the Birmingham News that recent events have caused him to change his mind about the ballot initiative. “The decision by a federal court judge to overturn our ban on gay marriage, and the horrible measles outbreak across our dear country have made me think that we may have been a bit too hasty,” said the imbecile from Tuscaloosa.

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State Senator Gerald Allen (R-Tuscaloosa) is one of the most conservative members of Congress. He is also a passionate xenophobe who wears his feelings on his forehead.

“Judge Moore and Representative Brooks have convinced me and several other senators to introduce the ‘Sharia Ain’t So Bad’ bill early next month,” said Allen. “The bill will overturn the ballot initiative and introduce our own version of Sharia into the court system, although our version will be called Chriria, and will be based on the Bible instead of the Quran.”

Judge Moore, famous for his religious zealotry that most Americans thought we left behind in the Middle Ages, set up a series of meetings with the senators when it became apparent that the federal government was going to attempt to drag Alabama kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

“If we allow these fags and lesbians to marry, it will be the end of the world as we know it and God will take back the coal, deer, and other natural resources that he bestowed upon us at the Creation,” said the sexually insecure homophobe.

Representative Mo Brooks joined the fray because he is convinced that the measles outbreak has been caused by illegal dingoes crossing the U.S.-Mexico border. The dingoes in question are said to be seeking political asylum after years of oppression in Australia.  The wacked-out right-wing kook is also against abortion in any form and thinks that stem cell research is the work of Satan.

“Chriria law will help us keep subhuman Central American kids and diseased dingoes out of America,” said the bigoted freak from the 5th District. It’ll also help us to keep women where they belong, in the bed or in the kitchen.”

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Judge Moore argued that many Alabama residents have been complying with Sharia law for decades.

Senator Allen told the Montgomery Advertiser that in the end it was a pretty easy decision to introduce the bill.

“When we all sat down and really thought about it, we decided that we really have a lot in common with those Islamic savages from the 7th century. We both think women are our property, we both think that a nation should be governed by a set of archaic religious laws, and of course we both fear homosexuals and think they should be thrown onto concrete from a great height.”

As of yet there are no polls to indicate how the residents of Alabama will respond to the flip-flop, but most pundits think that as long as the politicians say that the new law is based on the Bible, it will pass without too much trouble.

“You can convince these idiots to pass just about anything if you say that Jesus wants them too,” chuckled Senator Allen.

On another note, Alabama is currently ranked third behind Florida and Texas as the most idiotic state in the Union, but it appears to be rapidly gaining ground.

“In recent years Florida and Texas have really been kicking our ass,” said Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. “But it is my sincere hope that the recent actions of Judge Moore, Representative Brooks, and Senator Allen will boost us back to our rightful position as laughingstock of the entire country.”

 

 

 

Anti Vaxxers Call Emergency Séance To Seek Guidance From Spirit World

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SANTA ANA, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – Leaders of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association and the Vacuous Housewives Club of Orange County, the two largest anti-vaccination groups in the country, have called a crisis meeting this weekend to discuss how to respond to the barrage of criticism the groups are receiving over the measles outbreak currently sweeping the country.

Officeholders of both organizations will be present at the emergency summit as well as several luminaries and public advocates for the misguided cause. Former Playmate and Rhodes Scholar Jenny McCarthy, serial killer and conspiracy theory kook Jeffrey John Aufderheide, virus rights advocate Senator Thom “Typhoid” Tillis (R-NC), and New Jersey governor and planetoid Chris Christie will all be in attendance.

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Anti-vax leader and serial killer Jeffrey John Aufderheide will be the keynote speaker at the emergency meeting

The emergency summit will commence on Saturday morning with a series of round table discussions on how to best deflect the criticism of nearly every sane person in the United States and carry on with the asinine policies that have loosed a once-eradicated disease on an unsuspecting public.

The discussions will be followed up with a gala dance featuring West African witch doctors and shamans on loan from obscure Brazilian rain forest tribes.

Late Saturday night, VIP guests will be treated to a gathering where famous medium and charlatan John Edward MaGee Jr. will conduct a séance in an attempt to reach long-dead anti-intellectuals and enemies of science to seek their advice in averting a catastrophe for “The Cause.”

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Aufderheide has repeatedly warned visitors to his website that lizard people from outer space are attempting to take over our planet

Mr. MaGee will enter the “spirit world” and try to speak with such revered personalities as Puritan John Cotton, Chairman Mao of China, various former leaders of the Spanish Inquisition, and most importantly, leader of the Cambodian Khmer Rouge guerrillas, Pol-Pot.

“We’d like to get some advice on just how we can keep this dumb ass anti-vaccination movement going,” said Jenny McCarthy, president of the Vapid Blonde Models Society. “I’d really like to get in touch with General Fransisco Franco of Spain to get some advice on how we could initiate our very own ‘White Terror’ campaign. After all, I think we can all agree that intellectuals and scientists are Public Enemy #1 in this country.”

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Anti-vax leaders invited New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to attend the summit in hopes that the gravitational field that surrounds him will attract long dead personalities from the spirit world to their fucked up seance

Jeffrey John Aufderheide agreed with McCarthy saying: “We have to nip this criticism in the bud. Most of it is coming from alien lizard people from outer space posing as cable TV pundits anyway. If we don’t find some way to stop this invasion from Planet 10, the earth is doomed.”

Most pundits believe that the summit meeting has a snowball’s chance in hell of stemming the tide of criticism for the anti-vax crowd. “Even the mentally deficient American public has enough sense to see the logic in protecting our kids from the ravages of preventable diseases,” said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News.

 

Even in California the tide seems to be turning against the dunderheads in the anti-vax crowd. State politicians from both sides of the aisle are proposing legislation to join 32 other states in limiting exemptions for childhood vaccinations.

“We’ve got to get a grip on things before these morons fuck things up for the rest of us,” said California State Senator Richard Pan, a pediatrician from the 6th District. “If these idiots don’t want to vaccinate their kids, fine. Let them live in total isolation from the rest of us. The nitwits don’t make any valuable contribution to society anyway. Fuck ’em!”

 

 

 

“Typhoid” Tillis Shocks Supporters By Refusing To Wash His Hands Before Devouring An Infant At Fundraiser

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CHARLOTTE, N.C. (CT&P) – Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) shocked a group of his supporters last night at a fundraiser in Lizard Lick, just outside of Raleigh. The fundraiser was held Joe Bob’s Pit Barbecue, a fine dining establishment famous for its pulled pork plates, lip-smacking ribs, and tender smoked toddler.

In an apparent attempt to make a point about deregulation of hand-washing requirements for restaurants,Tillis refused to wash his hands before devouring a newborn child fresh out of the smoker.

“The government has no business telling me how clean and sanitary I ought to be,” said Tillis, as he chewed on the tasty infant. “It’s high time we got public officials out of the business of public health!”

Supporters and employees stared in disbelief as he continued to consume the child before having made sure his hands were clean.

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Senator Tillis’ next fundraising stop is at Norm’s Authentic Aztec Grill in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina

“I could not believe my eyes,” said Myrtle Mulesweat from Bat Cave. “I would never eat a baby without first washing my hands. It’s disgusting!”

Billy Bob Bullsmegma of Syphilis Falls agreed: “He shore as hell ain’t gettin’ my vote no more. We may not have ‘lectric at my cabin but we always go down to the crick and wash up before dinner. Otherwise Mama would tan our hides!”

Tillis stirred up controversy earlier in the week by recounting a story from 2010.

“I was having a discussion with someone, and we were at a Starbucks in my district, and we were talking about certain regulations where I felt like ‘maybe you should allow businesses to opt out,'” he said. When the conversation turned to restaurant regulations, Tillis recalled saying, “I don’t have any problem with Starbucks if they choose to opt out of this policy as long as they post a sign that says ‘We don’t require our employees to wash their hands after leaving the restroom.’ The market will take care of that. It’s one example.”

Since recounting this exchange Tillis has become the butt of jokes all over the internet and television, but he has taken all the criticism in stride.

“I firmly believe that people have the right to be as filthy as they want, and that goes for whoever is serving you your food as well,” said Tillis. “The free market will take care of it, just like it does in West Africa. You don’t see a bunch of stormtrooper health officials interfering with people’s lives over there, no sir!”

Tillis’ next fundraiser is scheduled to be held at Norm’s Authentic Aztec Grill in Kill Devil Hills, owned and managed by Norman Dahmer. Norm’s specialty dish is human heart tartare.

Simpletons Across America Celebrate As House Votes To Repeal Obamacare…For The 67th Fucking Time

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives continued the time-honored tradition of wasting time and taxpayer’s money by passing legislation to roll back Obamacare on Tuesday.

The vote was entirely symbolic in nature because everyone in the chamber knows full well that the members of the U.S. Senate will not be passing a companion bill and even if that were the case President Obama would veto it.

The vote was Buffoons 239, Reasonable Individuals 186, with no House Democrat supporting the measure and three House GOP freshmen opposing it.

This latest vote marked the 67th time the House has wasted our time and gone out of its way to look like a bunch of idiot children by voting to entirely repeal, defund or change some provisions of President Barack Obama’s signature health care law.

“We know the vote was a ridiculous exercise in stupidity, but we had to give the new members of our mentally deficient caucus the chance to vote against Obamacare,” said House Speaker John Boehner, while on a smoke break in the men’s restroom. “After all, no one wants to go home to his district and face the wrath of ignorant hicks without being able to say he has no compassion for the less fortunate.”

The vote precipitated predictable reactions across the country, with reasonable and compassionate folks rolling their eyes at the antics of a bunch of schoolchildren. The result was quite different however within the army of right-wing supporters made up of simpletons, rednecks, free-market capitalists, fascists, and evangelical right-wing Christians who seem to have no compassion for anyone except themselves.

A compilation of reactions from the right wing and its supporters has graciously been made available to us from CNN.

Here are some examples:

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Billy Bob McSneed, Director of Signage for the Tea Party, said “We gotta show that we ain’t gonna stand for no low-cost health care. My Diddy grew up just fine without it, and my nine kids can too!”

 

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Cardinal Fang of the Catholic League’s Punishment Squad said “Government has no right to step in and try to help the less fortunate. That’s our job. All we ask is that poor people convert to our archaic belief system and abstain from birth control.”

 

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Freshman Senator Thom “Typhoid” Tillis (R-NC) said, “The government already overreaches by making us wash our hands after we defecate. The last thing we need is regulatory agencies telling doctors that they need a diploma in order to practice medicine. Now excuse me while I devour this delicious-looking infant.”

 

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Frieda “Hepatitis C” Johnson told CNN that “I don’t give a shit if he is the presadint! No negra is gonna tell me when I gotta go to the fuckin’ doctor.”

 

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Glenn Beck, a radio talk show host and ex Fox News kook, said “Obamacare is possibly the greatest conspiracy ever perpetrated on the American people. It’s right up there with climate change and the worldwide conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids. It poses a threat not only to earth, but to nearby galaxies as well.”

 

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Billy Joe Numbnuts of Toxic Springs, Florida said, “My wife and me ain’t got no need for no government healthcare. We do just fine down at the methadone clinic.”

 

The vote, like all the previous votes to repeal Obamacare, is expected to get the GOP exactly nowhere with the American public. Recent polls conducted by everyone other than Fox News shows that a majority of Americans want to keep the program in place or tweak it slightly in order to improve it. Only about 20% of Americans, representing the most militantly stupid portion of our population, want to repeal the law and go back to the old system. Furthermore, enrollment in the healthcare system continues to rise, and the more people who sign up, the less likely a repeal becomes.

However, polls seem to have no effect on far right politicians, who have to kowtow to a rabid base who yearn for a return to the Middle Ages. In fact, Speaker Boehner has scheduled at least a dozen more votes to repeal Obamacare before the August recess, so GOP members can go back and brag about how they are standing up to the “emperor” in the White House.

“We just can’t afford to be seen as cooperating with anyone who wants to help the poor and less fortunate,” said Boehner, as the orange skinned Speaker chugged a whiskey sour. “All our campaign money would dry up overnight!”

Psychiatric Team From UAB Officially Declares Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore ‘Batshit Crazy’

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BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA (CT&P) – Controversial and dumb as dirt Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore has been declared “legally fucking insane” by a team of esteemed psychiatrists from the University of Alabama in Birmingham. A clerk for the judge responded to the decision by saying that the doctors were obviously the servants of Lucifer and are part of a huge conspiracy to undermine the judge and his wacked-out ideas.

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Judge Moore became famous when he refused to remove a ridiculous monument of the Ten Commandments from the judicial building even though he was ordered to do so by a federal judge. “Too bad they didn’t drop the damn thing on him,” said Alabama Governor Robert Bentley

The judge has been involved in some of the most idiotic escapades in the history of jurisprudence over his illustrious career, which has been devoted to resisting change and progress at every turn.

Judge Moore, who regularly criticizes any idea hatched after the Middle Ages, became nationally known for his refusal, in 2003, in his first term as Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, to remove a monument of the Ten Commandments from the Alabama Judicial Building despite orders to do so from a federal judge. On November 13, 2003, the Alabama Court of the Judiciary unanimously removed Moore from his post as Chief Justice on the grounds that he was “too ignorant to hold the post and was making Alabama the laughing stock of the entire country.”

On November 6, 2012, the apparently masochistic voters in the State of Alabama voted Moore back to the office of Alabama Chief Justice. He defeated Democratic candidate Bob Vance.

Recently, Moore made headlines again when in a letter to Alabama Governor Robert Bentley he urged the governor to ignore the federal ruling striking down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage. In the letter the deranged judge compared himself to abolitionists and desegregationists standing up against the “rejection of God’s law by the satanic demons currently possessing the federal judiciary.”

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The sexually insecure Moore believes that homosexuals have been sent by Satan to corrupt our children and send them straight to hell

The psychiatric team from UAB, led by Dr. Adrienne Lahti, Director for the Division of Behavioral Neurobiology, found that Judge Moore has paranoid delusions concerning the federal government and believes that he has a direct line of communication with God and Saint Peter.

“The man is unhinged,” said Lahti, in an interview with the Birmingham News. “He thinks he is some sort of holy warrior sent by God to save the state and the country from the evils of homosexuality. We think that this sexual insecurity stems from the fact that he did not get enough attention as a child.”

Dr. Andrea Dickens, Director of Psychiatric Emergency Services and part of the team that examined Judge Moore, agreed. “The man is out of his fucking mind. He’s a threat to himself and all those around him. Having him on the Alabama Supreme Court is like putting a two year old in charge of a nuclear plant. It’s insane.”

The team has recommended that Judge Moore be placed in secure institution until such time that he does not pose a threat to himself or the public, which should be just after hell freezes over.

Cabin Anthrax To Purchase Air Defense System From Israel

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Citing as a reason the alarmingly high number of drone attacks over the fall and early winter, Anthraxia government officials announced today that the beleaguered municipality will be purchasing an air defense system from the nation of Israel.

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Drone attacks have taken the lives of almost a dozen innocent fowl around Cabin Anthrax over the fall and winter

“We felt that if we were to continue to guarantee the safety of our citizens the purchase had to be made,” said Minister of Defense Asher Wills. “Our current defense capability consists of myself, an aging terrier named Banjo, and a few rednecks walking around aimlessly with shotguns. We just cannot keep up with the high number of incoming hawks and other birds of prey we have been seeing lately.”

The drone attacks in and around the Cabin Anthrax have taken the lives of at least 11 innocent chickens who were going about their daily lives scratching the earth looking for insects and bits of wheat flavored Captain’s Wafers.

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Defense Minister Asher Wills announced the purchase of the system during the drive time traffic show on one of Murphy’s nine country music stations in between ballads about drunken rednecks being left with only a pickup truck and a hound dog after their wives left them

Prime Minister of Anthraxia Jerry Dickerson told reporters that the system should be in place sometime next month.

The Iron Dome air defense system currently in use in Israel has proven reliable and efficient. It is a three-piece system of interceptor batteries that shoot rockets out of the sky. A radar tracks the rocket as it is fired across the border into Israel, and then advanced software predicts the rocket’s trajectory. The information it provides is used to guide Tamir interceptor missiles, which are fired from the ground to blow the rocket into harmless pieces in the sky.

“Unfortunately we could not afford the costly “Iron Dome” system currently used by the IDF, but they have offered us a less costly variant dubbed ‘Cast Iron Dome,'” said Dickerson.

The less costly system consists of a series of Roman candles positioned around the edge of the Anthraxia compound and over 100 bottle rockets set to launch into the air and detonate at different altitudes all around the cabin complex. The projectiles are activated manually by a highly trained hillbilly observer who sits atop the roof of each cabin scanning the sky for intruders.

Since most of the citizens of Anthraxia are unemployed and have nothing better to do, it is assumed there will be not shortage of volunteers for this critical mission. Israel military advisers are due in Anthraxia next week to begin training the inarticulate and nearly illiterate defense team.

“We hope that the purchase of this system will protect our poultry from further attacks,” said Dickerson. “I can tell you from experience, there’s nothing more depressing than waking up and not having enough eggs to make an omelet. It’s a truly tragic situation.”