Dumbass Farmers Baffled By Turkey Plague

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SIOUX FALLS, SOUTH DAKOTA – (CT&P) -A bird flu outbreak that has puzzled farmers and scientists has spread to three more Midwest turkey farms, bringing the number of farms infected to 23 and raising the death toll to more than 1.2 million birds killed by the disease or by authorities scrambling to contain it.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture confirmed on Saturday that the H5N2 strain of avian influenza was found among 38,000 birds at a commercial farm in Kandiyohi County in west-central Minnesota. It’s the third confirmed outbreak in Kandiyohi, which is the top turkey producing county in the country’s top turkey producing state.

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Commercial turkeys farms are a veritable poultry paradise, where each bird has as much to eat as it wants, great health care, and 24/7 access to 50,000 of its closest friends.

South Dakota State Veterinarian Dustin Oedekoven said crews were working Saturday to begin euthanizing any birds not killed by the highly contagious strain to prevent the virus from spreading.

Once those birds have been destroyed, the 23 farms in Minnesota, South Dakota, North Dakota, Missouri, Kansas and Arkansas will have lost more than 1.2 million turkeys, a small fraction of the 235 million turkeys produced nationally in 2014. Canadian officials also confirmed earlier in the week that a turkey farm in southern Ontario with 44,800 birds was hit, too.

“We just can’t understand it,” said Rufus Simpleton, a turkey farmer from Guano Flats in central Minnesota. “I mean, we feed these birds a wonderful high-fat diet and pump them full of antibiotics practically from the day they’re born. Then we provide excellent living conditions for them. Each bird has at least a one square foot area in which they can grow up and live a productive and fulfilling life. It’s not like they don’t have social contacts, I mean each turkey has immediate access to roughly 50,000 other turkeys living in the same room. I just can’t understand why they would get sick.”

Dr. Beth Thompson, assistant director of the Minnesota Board of Animal Health, said the reason Minnesota has had so many cases has a lot to do with the fact that it’s the country’s top turkey producing state, and that it has a myriad of ponds and lakes that are attractive stopover places for migrating waterfowl such as ducks, who are suspected of carrying the deadly bird flu virus.

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Gertrude, a resident of Turkenau Farms outside Minneapolis, told CNN she loves living in a commercial setting. “Especially the part where they cut off our beaks and toes! That’s really fun!” she said.

“It’s got to be the ducks, damn their black souls!” said Thompson. “Packing 50,000 members of the same species into concentration camp conditions and fattening them to point where they can barely walk has got nothing to do with it, that’s for sure.”

In Minnesota, turkey producers have now lost over 900,000 birds.

Officials stress the risk to public health is low and that there’s no danger to the food supply, as long as no one wants to eat turkey meat. No human cases have been detected in the U.S., but conspiracy theorists hope that will change soon.

Because trucks and equipment provide a potential way to carry the virus onto farms, Minnesota Gov. Mark Dayton signed an executive order Friday lifting seasonal weight restrictions for poultry feed trucks and trailers, and for emergency equipment being used in the response. His order said tightening biosecurity by reducing the number of trips to poultry farms is critical to lowering the risk of introducing the virus to non-infected farms.

Governor Dayton signed another order calling for the aerial use of nerve gas over 90% of Minnesota’s lakes and ponds in order to kill the offending waterfowl. “We want to err on the side of caution here, so killing millions of ducks that may or may not be carrying the virus seems like the logical thing to do,” said Dayton.

Meanwhile, chicken farmers all across the Southeast are reporting raised levels of unrest and nervousness among their flocks as it seems more and more likely that the traditional Thanksgiving menu will have to be changed this year.

Cotton Denies Replicant Rumors, Agrees To Further Testing

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LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – A statement released today from Senator Tom Cotton’s (R-AR) office in Little Rock vehemently denied that the senator is a Nexus series replicant or any other type of biorobotic android. The statement also denied that Senator Cotton was brain-damaged from his time in the service or suffered from any debilitating neurological disorder, and claimed that he was perfectly willing to undergo further testing to prove he was nothing but your average Arkansas cattle farmer.

Rumors have swirled around the junior senator from Arkansas from nearly the beginning of his political career because of his apparent inability to engage in critical thought. That, combined with an insatiable bloodlust for humans of Arab or Persian descent, has led many to believe that he is some sort of android manufactured in a lab.

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Artist’s rendering of Senator Cotton as he appears to most of our European allies.

It has even been posited by some conspiracy kooks that he may be the Antichrist, which they say is the only thing that could explain such a mediocre intellect’s meteoric rise to power within the U.S. Government.

The rumors and speculation had died down in recent weeks as his fellow Republicans took pains to water down his insane ideas and wild speculations. However, during a Thursday afternoon press conference all that changed. While outlining his plan to nuke every capital in the Middle East as well as Tehran as a warning to Muslims that “they better not fuck with us,” Cotton had an exchange with a reporter from the Washington Post that has reignited speculation that he may be some sort of malfunctioning robot.

WP reporter James Grimaldi, who has long suspected Cotton of being an android, asked Cotton a series of hypothetical questions designed to provoke an emotional response. Grimaldi conducted the impromptu Voight-Kampff test in order to prove once and for all that Cotton was indeed a “skin-job.”

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Rachel, Senator Cotton’s mistress, flatly denies that he is robot. “Once you get past all the bad ideas and bloodlust, he’s really a lovable guy,” she said.

Here is the text of the exchange between Grimaldi and Cotton:

Grimaldi: You’re in a desert, walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden you look down…

Senator Cotton: What one?

Grimaldi: What?

Senator Cotton: What desert?

Grimaldi: It doesn’t make any difference what desert Tom, it’s completely hypothetical.

Senator Cotton: But, how come I’d be there?

Grimaldi: Maybe you’re fed up. Maybe you want to be by yourself. Maybe you want to kill some Muslims. Who knows? You look down and see a tortoise, Tom. It’s crawling toward you…

Senator Cotton: Tortoise? What’s a tortoise?

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Senator Cotton’s longtime aide Leon told reporters that “all this replicant talk” is part of a liberal smear campaign designed to undermine the senator’s reputation as an intellectual and “deep thinker.”

Grimaldi: You know what a turtle is?

Senator Cotton: Of course!

Grimaldi: Same thing.

Senator Cotton: I’ve never seen a turtle… But I understand what you mean.

Grimaldi: You reach down and you flip the tortoise over on its back, Tom. The tortoise lies on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t. Not without your help Tom, but you’re not helping.

Senator Cotton: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I’M NOT HELPING?

Grimaldi: I mean: you’re not helping! Why is that, Tom?

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Even some of his fellow Republicans have questioned Cotton’s plans for the Middle East and Iran.

At that point the senator began to tremble and sweat profusely. He then began opening and closing his mouth like a bass lying in the bottom of a boat. Aides to the senator quickly stopped the presser and escorted a visibly shaken Cotton off the stage and into a backroom.

Grimaldi later told fellow journalists that had he been allowed to continue the test, he was certain that he could have elicited a violent response, or perhaps even a complete shutdown of the senator’s systems.

“I’m more convinced than ever that Senator Cotton is some sort of robot,” said Grimaldi. “He’s not a Nexus 6 or anything, because he’s not that advanced, but I think he could be one of the early prototypes for the Nexus 4 or 5. I have an appointment over at the Tyrell Corporation and I hope to get to the bottom of all this shit sometime late next week. We really need to get a handle on this because last time one of these skin-jobs got loose she damn near became vice president. We just can’t allow these walking piles of junk to have any influence on foreign policy. The results could be disastrous.”

 

Hillary Hires Brick Top As Campaign Manager

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – The Times-Picayune has learned from sources close to the Clinton Campaign that Mrs. Clinton has appointed underworld figure and part-time diplomat Brick Top to run her 2016 presidential campaign. Brick Top is scheduled to arrive in New York from London sometime over the weekend for initial planning with Clinton’s campaign team.

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Brick Top is admired throughout the British Isles for his “no-nonsense” approach to problem-solving

“We’ve already drawn up a list of potential targets for Brick Top and his men,” said an aide to Clinton, on condition of anonymity. “We understand that he’s bringing about a dozen East End thugs over with him. Those guys really know how to get things done!”

Brick Top met briefly with reporters at Heathrow Airport before boarding his flight to the United States.

“I’m looking forward to working with Mrs. Clinton on her presidential campaign,” he said. “I’ve long been an admirer of the Clinton’s tactics, particularly their ability to make political opponents simply disappear or commit suicide. It reminds me of the good old days when I was running my hog farm outside London. Dead men don’t tell tales, is what I always say!”

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No one is quite sure of the exact number, but investigators estimate that over 200 of Brick Top’s business associates have been digested by his ungulates

When asked if he was concerned about Elizabeth Warren or Bernie Sanders siphoning off votes from Mrs. Clinton, Brick Top replied, “Do you know what “nemesis” means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me. I plan on having a little “sit down” with Mrs Warren and Mr. Sanders. I don’t think we’ll have to worry about them.”

“But they have already said that,” began a reporter for the Daily Mail, but Brick Top cut him off, saying, ” Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m talking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.”

“I’m sorry sir,” said the trembling journalist.

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Aides say that Mrs. Clinton made the decision to hire Brick Top because she “no longer had time to deal with a bunch of fucking idiots.”

“Now, as I was saying, as for that group of unhinged lunatics running on the Republican side, well, I’ve got a nasty little surprise I’m going to plant underneath their clown car. Anyone who thinks Iran is problem has not met me,” he chuckled.

When a reporter for the Daily Mirror asked Brick Top if he thought he could make the adjustment to American politics, he ended the press conference by saying, ” You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”

Then he turned, boarded his flight, and took off for the States.

When we asked the anonymous source just how much Clinton planned on paying Brick Top for his services, the source replied, “Whatever the fuck he wants.”

 

Satan To Kickoff Tour Of Southeast With Visit To SeaWorld

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THE RIVER STYX, HELL – (CT&P) – Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared before reporters this morning to announce the itinerary of Lucifer’s upcoming whirlwind trip around the Southeast. The Prince of Darkness tries to visit every region of the United States at least once per year, and this year the honor of being first goes to the former Confederate states.

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Satan decided to open his tour at SeaWorld because it represents so much that he adores about human beings.

“His majesty is looking forward to meeting his supporters and constituents in the South and thanking them for their ongoing loyalty and generosity,” said Balthazar. “He thought, ‘what better way to kick off this mutual love-fest than a trip to a place that specializes in desensitizing children to the effects of animal torture?'”

According to Balthazar, Mephistopheles will spend a full day in Orlando meeting with representatives from SeaWorld discussing more effective ways of ripping young orcas away from their mothers and sentencing them to a life spent in an overgrown bathtub so they can perform tricks for people on vacation from their soul-crushing jobs at Walmart.

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Journalists dread Satanic news conferences because they are obliged to tread water the entire time Balthazar is speaking

The King of Hell will then jet off to rural south Georgia where he will stop to congratulate Melissa Jeffcoat, the florist who used the Bible to justify her bigotry against gays and lesbians. “She’s a real pro,” said Balthazar.

 

Later that day the Antichrist will visit a puppy mill in South Carolina before attending  a gala dog-fighting event in east Tennessee that night.

 

Lord Balthazar said that Apollyon’s schedule would be very busy and packed with visits to the minions doing his bidding on earth, so there would be little time for interviews with the media.

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Mephistopheles will wind up his tour of the Southeast with a visit to his good friend and follower Judge Roy Moore of Alabama. “He is one of His Majesty’s favorites,” said Balthazar. “No one can twist God’s word to suit his own hatred better than Roy! He really makes Christians look awful. We love him!”

 

Other scheduled stops include appointments with the governors of Florida and Texas, a luncheon engagement with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas, and a crab boil with the entire cast of Duck Dynasty.

Balthazar said that the Archfiend will wind up the tour with a giant barbecue at the home of Judge Roy Moore of Alabama.

“The straight public is invited and there will be fun for all ages,” said Balthazar. “The kids will really love all the games we have planned, like ‘pin the crime on the nigger,’ ‘chase the lesbian through the minefield,’ and one Roy came up with himself called ‘the faggot pinata,’ which features a gay man suspended on bungee cords at just the right height for kids to take a swing at him with a Louisville Slugger!”

Balthazar wrapped up the news conference by saying that Satan was looking forward to meeting and rewarding all those who represent him here on earth, and that includes all the kids.

“One of His Majesty’s favorite sayings is ‘You can never start hating too soon.'”

O’Reilly Says Slager Video A Clever Hoax: “I Was There” He Claims

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Last night on The O’Reilly Factor, Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly claimed that the video purporting to show North Charleston police officer Michael Slager gunning down an unarmed black man was a “clever forgery” created by the “liberal media” in cooperation with the Obama White House. “I know because I was there,” said O’Reilly.

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Slager has been described by Chief Driggers as a dedicated and idealistic young cop active in several civic organizations such the KKK and the American Nazi Party. Friends say he spends his spare time playing golf, crushing black infants, and waterboarding illegal Mexican farm workers

The video in question clearly shows Slager firing eight shots at an unarmed and fleeing black man who was later identified as 50-year-old Walter Scott. The video also shows Scott going down after the final shot, Slager approaching him, cuffing his hands behind his back, and later throwing an object down next to the mortally wounded man.

“I watched the entire event from behind a nearby oak tree,” said O’Reilly, “and it just did not happen the way it is depicted in the video.”

“Officer Slager was totally in the right on this shooting. The black man was listening to rap music, ignoring the officer’s commands, and acting disrespectful. Then he turned around and charged the officer, giving Slager no option but to pop him with his nine. I think this is all an attempt by the Obama Justice Department to paint all white cops as bigoted power-mad assholes, just like the liberal media is doing to me. It’s a conspiracy of the highest order.”

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O’Reilly told viewers that Slager showed great concern for the condition of the “giant black attacker” and even checked the man’s pulse after calling his wife and asking what was for dinner.

O’Reilly’s account of the incident has been called into question because his housekeeper, cook, butler, and 16-year-old Asian sex slave all told reporters for the New York Times that O’Reilly was staring at himself in the mirror at the time of the shooting, as he does most of the time he is not on the air.

O’Reilly dismissed his employees’ accounts of his whereabouts as being part of a “liberal smear campaign” designed to discredit him. He then threatened to kill them if they said anything else.

Meanwhile, Slager has been charged with murder and the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division has launched an investigation of the shooting. Normally called in to cover up crimes committed by white officers against minority citizens, SLED is being supervised this time by the FBI and other federal agencies.

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North Charleston Mayor Keith Summey heard about the shooting while he was cooking his usual lunch of two dozen sausage patties out behind his office.

Mayor Keith Summey and Police Chief Eddie Driggers of North Charleston held a news conference to tell the public that a “full and thorough investigation would be conducted as the result of Slager’s “bad decision.”

“The first thing we need to get to the bottom of is just why it took eight shots to bring down that nigger,” said Summey. “I’m gonna work closely with the Eddie here to reexamine our firearms training program and correct that problem as soon as possible.

“Also, we need to make sure that all our officers understand that when you decide to murder a citizen in cold blood, you need to make damn sure some smart ass ain’t filming it. If there is, the correct procedure is to gun down the photographer and destroy the evidence. That’s just common sense.”

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Mayor Summey and Chief Driggers promised a full investigation as soon as their cardiac physicians told them it was OK to go back to work

Slager is currently being held without bond in North Charleston, but he is reported to be working with Fox News and several talk radio personalities to try to turn the tide of public opinion so he can get bail and repair the damage done by the “fabricated” video.

Slager backs up O’Reilly’s version of the story, calling him a “true American hero” and “the greatest broadcaster of all time.”

“Thank God for Fox News and Bill O’Reilly,” he said. “Without them, America would be in smouldering ruins and the rule of law would be a thing of the past.”

 

New Study Suggests Link Between Skin Cancer And Leaving Your Fat Ass Out In The Sun Too Long

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MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – (CT&P) – A new study out of Great Britain has revealed that the legacy of the 1960’s package holiday boom and the modern vogue for tanned complexions means retirees are now seven times more likely to get the most dangerous type of skin cancer than 40 years ago.

 

Older men are 10 times more likely to be diagnosed with malignant melanoma than their parents’ generation and women are five times more likely.

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Dr. Sharp advised that one way human mastodons could reduce exposure time would be to seek a shady spot such as an airplane hangar or circus tent while devouring fast food during their noontime feeding sessions.

Cancer Research UK, which compiled the figures, said the huge increase was likely to be a consequence of people having greater access to sunny climes since the cost of a holiday abroad dropped significantly in the 1960s.

According to the most recent figures, 5700 over-65’s are diagnosed with melanoma in the UK every year, compared to only 600 in the 1970’s.

Although the study was carried out by researchers in the United Kingdom, similar rates of skin cancer are being seen in the United States and in some parts of continental Europe.

What is even more troubling is the fact that various types of skin cancers are being seen in younger and younger patients.

Dr. Julie Sharp, Cancer Research UK’s head of health information said: “Many cases of malignant melanoma are easily preventable by making sure you don’t burn and not spending an inordinate amount of time in tanning beds.”

“We also see the recent tendency of westerners to turn into giant fat asses at earlier and earlier ages as a factor in the rise of malignant melanoma. As people slowly morph into slow-moving leviathans, they become less active and tend to spend time on vacation sitting immobile on the beach like deceased marine mammals.”

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Dr Sharp also advised that corpulent individuals should exercise in hospital parking lots or in some building equipped with a defibrillator; anywhere other than a public beach.

“The increased surface area of the epidermis caused by diets that could have been designed by Satan himself allows the sun’s rays to hit areas that did not even exist before,” said Sharp. “When one of these lumbering behemoths actually makes it onto a beach, they usually bring a rolling pantry full of beer, sandwiches, and potato chips with them so they can avoid the exhausting 100 meter trip back to the car  until after the sun goes down.”

“Many of these elephantine creatures bring enough food and drink along with them to feed an African village for over a month. Then, after staking out an area large enough for a helicopter to land, they plant themselves on the sand and don’t budge for hours on end. It’s truly alarming.”

Dr. Sharp had some advice for young people that may help them avoid the fate that has befallen so many of their parents and grandparents.

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The exhaustive study also made it clear that some folks are beyond all hope and the best thing for them to do was to swim out to sea.

“Never use a tanning bed,” she said. “It’s like sticking your head in a fucking microwave. Nothing good can come of it. Also, when going out in the sun for an extended period of time, the liberal use of sun blocking products is a good idea. But most importantly, don’t gorge yourself on all manner of manufactured food items until you become colossal mound of adipose tissue with four limbs sticking out from it. It’s unhealthy and makes you a nice juicy target for the blistering rays of the sun.”

The Cancer UK study is due to be published in next month’s Lancet and has already received great praise from everyone except the cruise industry and others deeply invested in the nurturing of various types of skin cancers.

Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott remarked, “I’m no scientist, but I can tell you I don’t trust any study coming out of Great Britain. They have socialized medicine there, and besides, the bastards have never seen a ray of sunshine in their lives, so how the hell would they know?”

Governor Scott made the remarks while lying coiled on warm rock outside the capital building in Tallahassee.

 

Easter Bunnies From Hell

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Americans have a long and much-cherished tradition of terrifying their offspring during religious holidays. Forced church-going to hear tales of spending the night in a barn in the company of farm animals while escaping the Massacre of the Innocents, only to be nailed to a cross for no good reason 30 years later, fill our kid’s heads with pleasant visions of infanticide and crucifixion. Not content to terrorize the little ones with these Kafkaesque tales of woe, many parents decide to make it more real for the kids by taking them to sit on the laps of creatures out of an H.P. Lovecraft story. We here at the Times-Picayune thought it would be nice to offer up some examples of the practice on this holiest of holy days. Enjoy!

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“Although unpopular in school because of his offensive body odor and nervous tics, Billy really came into his own during the holidays because he was always willing to make a fool of himself at the local mall.”

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“Uncle Bill was popular with the kids until he was sent away to prison for the third time.”

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“The rabies outbreak claimed dozens of lives as it rapidly spread from one mall to another. Authorities managed to stop the infection only after patient zero was identified and quarantined.”

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“Five gallon plastic buckets can be used in a wide variety of ways and have proved to be one of man’s most useful inventions.”

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“Melvin the pedophile always looked forward to dressing up for Easter.”

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“The advanced scouts from Planet 10 used clever disguises to observe human behavior before attacking and colonizing earth.”

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“Neighbors told police that John Wayne Bunny was a quiet man who loved kids and kept to himself except on holidays. The graves would probably never have been found if not for the new sewer project.”

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“At least five kids were devoured before mall owners realized they had mistakenly hired a dreaded carnivorous Easter Bunny from central Africa.”

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“Tommy never understood why he was always refused service at the local pizza joint.”

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“In Orlando, reports of missing children always seem to spike in the week leading up to Easter. The investigation is ongoing.”

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“CIA experiments with LSD and children never produced favorable results.”

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“Although well-known for his ability to disguise himself, Satan’s bunny costume always left something to be desired.”

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“Timmy was impressed with the way Superman’s skin-tight outfit showed off his cute butt.”

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“The rash of child dismemberment cases were eventually traced back to a pet store in rural Oklahoma.”

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“Gus always dreaded Easter and often feigned illness rather than face humiliation at the paws of fellow canines.”

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

Georgia Florist Provides Long-Awaited Answers On Sin, Ten Commandments

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ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – For centuries scholars, philosophers, representatives of the church, and lay people alike have puzzled over just which sins were the most heinous, and in which order the Ten Commandments should be ranked. It has been the subject of debate for over 2000 years within the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Now the definitive answers have come from a surprising source; professional florist, part-time Biblical scholar, and full-time homophobe Mrs. Melissa Jeffcoat.

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Mrs. Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus appears in her dreams regularly and gives her advice on important decisions. She said that he also told her that the CIA had planted listening devices in her flower shop.

Jeffcoat, who runs a florist shop in rural Jeff Davis County, has been studying the problem for decades and made her findings public during an interview with Gary Tuchman of CNN.

Mrs Jeffcoat told Tuchman that under no circumstances would she provide flowers for a same-sex couple’s wedding, because choosing to be gay is by far the worst sin anyone could possibly commit. Mrs Jeffcoat went on to say that she  was not going to be the “tool of Satan” by providing lovely flower arrangements for an event sanctioned by Lucifer.

Tuchman countered by saying, “In the Ten Commandments, it says you can’t commit adultery,” adding, “It says you need to honor your father and mother.”

When Tuchman asked whether she would provide flowers for an adulterer or someone who had “dishonored” their parents, she said she would not have a problem serving them.

“Well, why would you serve them but not serve someone who is gay?” the reporter asked.

“It’s just a different kind of sin to me,” Jeffcoat replied. “I just don’t believe in it. Adultery, murder, bestiality, cannibalism, genocide, they all pale in comparison to being gay.”

When Tuchman inquired of Jeffcoat how she came up with her rankings of different sins, she said after years of research and praying over the problem, Jesus came to her in a dream in the form of a velociraptor and pointed a six- inch claw at a smouldering rose bush. The voice of God came out of the bush and told her that he hated fags worse than anything and then proceeded to rank various sins in order of their importance, from murder all the way down to forgetting to floss your teeth before bed.

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Jeffcoat said that sometimes Jesus appeared as a white man with a beard riding a Tyrannosaur that he called “Spike.”

“I don’t know why God chose me,” said Jeffcoat, “but we all know he works in mysterious ways, and this sure as hell is no exception.”

Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus now regularly appears in her dreams providing her guidance on everything from romance to grocery shopping. “Lately he’s been telling me to buy a shotgun and go on a multi-state murder spree, but I think I’m going to wait till after the June rush to do that,” said Jeffcoat.

Jeffcoat’s son Carlton, who is apparently as wacked-out as his mother, told CNN that everything his mother said was entirely accurate and true, because it was the word of God. He is currently studying to become a Southern Baptist minister in order to amass a fortune on television and avoid paying taxes on any of it.

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Jeffcoat’s son Carlton is studying to be a Southern Baptist minister so he can fleece gullible believers and use the cash to live an extravagant lifestyle

“I serve a God who’s higher than any Supreme Court judge, that’s called the judge of the universe,” he told Tuchman. “I don’t care what anybody else says, I know what’s right and what the good Lord wants, and by God he wants us to hate fags. I’m just as bigoted and hateful as any other redneck down here and I’m sure as hell not gonna change just because we have a dictator for president.”

When Tuchman asked him what President Obama had to do with it, Carlton said, “He’s the source of all evil in the modern world, God told me so, and besides, I heard it on Fox.”

Georgia Company To Fill Void Left By Memories Pizza

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ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – A pizza chain headquartered in the mountainous region of north Georgia has stepped up to fill the gaping void left by the closure of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana. Considered a “mainstay” in Walkerton, the pizzeria is now closed and may not reopen. Memories owners Kevin O’Connor and his daughter Crystal closed the restaurant after a withering assault on social media and numerous vicious phone calls.

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Co-founder of Deliverance Herbert “Cowboy” Coward told Wolf Blitzer that his establishments have always encouraged love and intimacy between family members, even cousins.

Herbert “Cowboy” Coward, co-founder and CEO of Deliverance Pizza, a chain of family restaurants headquartered in the north Georgia town of Dillard, told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that his company was eager to take up the slack.

“We currently have 11 units scattered throughout the mountains of north Georgia, but we’ve been thinking of expanding out-of-state, and the O’Connor’s loss just might be our gain,” said Coward.

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All Deliverance units boast live music on Friday and Saturday nights.

Deliverance, which specializes in pizzas featuring wild game toppings blended with pork, is by far the most popular pizza in rural areas of north Georgia. In fact, Deliverance outsells Pizza Hut and Domino’s combined. The chain’s most popular pizza, called “The Squeal,” features a combination of ham, venison, and pork sausage toppings.

“We’ll probably start by making the O’Connors an offer on their shop and go from there,” said Coward.

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Coward told Blitzer that he looks forward to the day that marriage equality was a reality in Georgia so he could marry Ned, his partner of over 40 years.

“But I want to make one thing clear from the outset Wolf; Deliverance Pizza has always been a gay friendly establishment. A good portion of our business comes from the red-hot gay wedding pizza catering industry, and we want to hold onto to those customers like a you would a fattened sow.”

“We’ve always supported gay marriage, whether it’s forced or by consent. There’s nothing quite as beautiful as seeing two members of the same-sex declare their love for one another, even if one partner is a little reluctant at first. I can remember when Ned and I first got together. It was rocky times for a while but once we settled down no one could pry us apart, and we still feel that way to this day!”

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Many Deliverance pizzerias have outdoor playgrounds so the kids can entertain themselves while waiting on their pizza.

On an appearance on Fox News, where the O’Connors have become instant heroes, anchor Neal Cavuto asked Crystal if they would accept Coward’s offer or were her and her dad planning on reopening their restaurant.

Crystal replied, “Are you kiddin’? Hell no we ain’t reopenin’ the fuckin’ restaurant! This GoFundMe crap is the shit! It’s better than winning the goddam lottery! When this cash runs out we’re gonna bad-mouth another minority group. Right now it’s a toss-up between the blacks and the Messicans…we just ain’t done decided which one yet.”

It should come as a surprise to no one that Neanderthals from across the country have contributed close to $700,000 to the O’Connors through the GoFundMe website to date, and the flow of cash shows no signs of abating. It seems that bigotry and hatred are alive and well in America today.

 

Dumbass Tom Cotton Wins High Praise For CNN Comments

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Numbnuts, dickheads, and reactionary assholes scrambled to the nearest microphones this morning to praise freshman Senator Tom Cotton’s remarks on Indiana’s “Religious Freedom Restoration Act.” The goofy-looking senator from Arkansas made the remarks to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer during an appearance on The Situation Room.

Cotton, like many other right-wing nutjobs, compared the law to the one signed by President Clinton in his first year in office. Apparently he has not read either law or he is so mentally deficient he is unable to tell the difference between the two.

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Cotton is currently enrolled in remedial English and reading comprehension courses so he will be able to read and understand proposed legislation in the future.

Then, in a breathtaking example of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance, Cotton told Blitzer that gays should be glad they live in the United States instead of elsewhere.

“In Iran they hang you for the crime of being gay,” said Cotton. “They’re currently imprisoning an American preacher for spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ in Iran. We should focus on the most important priorities that our country faces right now. And I would say that a nuclear armed Iran, given the threat it poses … is the most important thing we could be focusing on right now.”

Cotton, you may recall, is the celebrated author of the famous letter to Iran concerning constitutional law in the United States. The letter was criticized by pundits and political leaders of all stripes for undermining the president at a critical time. The fact that the letter was inaccurate and written in crayon did not help matters either.

Cotton, who has a six-year-old’s grasp of the issues, is apparently able to concentrate on only one issue at a time and seems unaware that his home state of Arkansas is desperately trying to avoid becoming the target for boycotts and outrage over its own “Religious Freedom Act.”

Regardless, idiots came out of the woodwork to praise Cotton for his willingness to stand up for bigotry and hate wherever it rears its ugly head.

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Sometime actor and full-time miscreant Phil Robertson took time out from his atheist penis Biblical tutorial tour to praise the backwards-ass senator from Arkansas

John Bowles, 2008 presidential candidate for the American Nazi Party, told reporters that “I’m damn proud of Tom for standing up for the rights of religious fanatics everywhere. It’s high time someone stood up for bigoted assholes!”

Judge Roy Moore, Alabama’s rogue judge and cretinous zealot, said “Tom Cotton is the kind of guy all of us ignorant rednecks can support wholeheartedly! I hope he decides to run for president!”

Actor, lunatic, and Biblical scholar Phil Robertson remarked, “Tom is just the kind of politician this country needs to lead us back to a time when black people were happy in the cotton fields and gays and lesbians were executed in the town square.” Robertson then went on a 20 minute diatribe about atheists and their genitals.

Cotton is sure to be the target of outrage from every intelligent member of the media and the public for his remarks, but this is nothing new for the senator, and it does not seem to faze him in the least. He seems to let it roll off him like mud off a hog’s back.

For our sake we can only hope that Senator Cotton is “overwhelmed by the Spirit,” and decides to follow his true calling by going on tour in the Middle East and Iran preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.