Monthly Archives: May 2015

ISIS Leader’s Death Presents Great Opportunity For Deputy Commanders

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isis8

DAMASCUS – (CT&P) – The death of Abu Sayyaf and capture of his wife Umm Sayyaf during a raid in eastern Syria last night will provide advancement opportunities and a “chance to shine” for deputy commanders in the area, according to ISIS Supreme Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

U.S. Special Forces based in Iraq carried out the deadly raid, the White House said this morning.

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ISIS Supreme Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told reporters that he felt sure one of his junior commanders would take advantage of this great opportunity to “step up and shine” in a new role with added responsibilities and rewards

Abu Sayyaf was a senior ISIL (Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant) leader whose roles included overseeing illicit oil and gas operations, key sources of revenue for the terror group, according to the White House. He also was allegedly involved with the group’s military operations, an accusation that his lawyer F. Muhammad al-Bailey flatly denies.

Sayyaf was purportedly killed in a firefight.

According to Pentagon sources no U.S. personnel were killed or wounded during the action.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who called a press conference today outside his cave somewhere in the middle of the fucking desert, told reporters that although he would miss his friend Sayyaf and his lovely wife Umm, the raid presented a great opportunity for some up and coming junior officers.

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Sayyaf’s second in command, Omar Muhammad Libidinous al-Turgid, escaped injury and capture because at the time of the raid he was in an escape tunnel fucking a goat

“I’m really looking forward to see who is going to step up and fill this important position for us,” said al-Baghdadi, as he picked lice from his beard. “I met several of Abu’s lieutenants last fall at our yearly convention and motivational retreat in Mosul. I think one of those guys will step up, take the goat by the horns and get down to some serious murder and mayhem. I can’t wait to see some of the new torture and execution techniques these guys come up with! You know the younger generation can really be creative.”

Umm Sayyaf, whom U.S. intelligence officials suspect also was an ISIL member and played an important role in terror activities, was taken for questioning to a U.S. military facility in Iraq but was quickly released because according to Delta Force officers the woman was a “giant pain in the ass.”

“I swear to God I’d rather be burned alive that deal with that gibbering bitch for one more minute,” said Captain Billy Bob McSneed of Turd Bluff, Iowa. “I don’t see how the dude lived with that woman. In my opinion we did the guy a favor by killing him.”

Pentagon sources told CNN that no further ground raids were planned at this time, but as soon as Sayyaf’s replacement was named and settled into his new job, Delta would go in and blow his head off as well.

 

Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton Sires Humanoid Life Form

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cotton444

LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – Senator Tom Cotton (Idiot-AR) and his wife Rachel were allowed to take their male bipedal hominid home today from Our Lady of the Inbred Hospital and Chain Saw Repair Shop outside Little Rock. Senator Cotton told reporters outside the hospital that the seething mass of protoplasm will be named Gabriel Damien Cotton in honor of both Christopher Walken and Satan, The Prince of Darkness.

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An escaped pediatric nurse provided sonograms of what is purported to be the creature during gestation

 

The spawn had been kept in quarantine since its birth in late April in order to make sure that it posed no risk to the general public. No photos of the offspring have been published by the family, which has done nothing but encourage the disturbing rumors swirling around the creature’s birth.

 

On May 8th, a pediatric nurse formerly employed at the hospital escaped police custody and told the Arkansas Plain Dealer that several emergency operations were done on the critter immediately after its birth, including one to remove a forked tail and two bony protrusions on its forehead.

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Rumors are still swirling about a birthmark found on the spawn before he was sent home from the hospital

The nurse, who wished to remain anonymous, provided several disturbing ultrasound images she said were made during the final stages of the creature’s development within the womb. The sonograms show the image of a dragon or demonic figure resembling the xenomorph made famous in the Alien movie series.

 

“Of course I was horrified but we were told by authorities that if we said anything we would be ‘disappeared’ along with our entire families,” said the nurse. “I finally just could not take it anymore and had to get out of there. I was later tasered and arrested at my home and taken into custody. I managed to escape last week when most of the cops left to attend the annual dog-shooting festival up in Jonesboro.”

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Senator Cotton’s wife Rachel continues to insist that she is a normal human being with real memories and no set expiration date

 

So far the Cottons have refused to comment on the rumors and have insisted that they gave birth to a healthy human male. As she was leaving the hospital Mrs Cotton told reporters that at least the birth should finally quell an earlier batch of “hateful rumors” that she and her husband were actually biorobotic replicants produced in a secret Tea Party laboratory located in an abandoned missile silo in Montana.

“I am not a robot,” said Mrs Cotton. “I am a human being!”

 

The Cottons have issued a press release that the offspring will be home-schooled and kept away from the general public until advisers determine the time is right to precipitate the “End Times” and the young Cotton is old enough to take the reins of a new world government.

 

 

 

Religion Of Peace Butchers Another Blogger

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27 Feb 2015, Dhaka, Bangladesh, Bengal --- (150227) -- DHAKA, Feb. 27, 2015 (Xinhua) -- A man cleans up the blood at the site of a murder case at Dhaka University area in Dhaka, Bangladesh, Feb. 27, 2015. Unknown assailants Thursday night hacked a Bangladeshi blogger to death in the capital city of Dhaka. (Xinhua/Shariful Islam) --- Image by © Shariful Islam/Xinhua Press/Corbis

 

DHAKA, BANGLADESH – (CT&P) – Members of the Religion of Peace hacked another blogger to death in Bangladesh earlier today as part of a campaign designed to show the world that peace, love, and tolerance represent the very foundations of Islam.

Ananta Bijoy Das, a blogger who advocated secularism, was attacked by four machete-wielding assailants in the northeastern district of Sylhet on Tuesday morning, senior police official Mohammad Rahamatullah told Reuters.

Rahamatullah said that the assailants were screaming “God is a great dude who lusts after the blood of anyone who disagrees with our fucked-up philosophy,” and “Remember the 7th century! Let’s go back!” as they hacked Das into pieces small enough to be placed into a battery-powered blender that a fifth attacker was carrying in a knapsack.

Das was a 33-year-old banker and editor of science magazine “Jukti,” which means “logic,” and on the advisory board of “Mukto Mona” (Free Mind), a website propagating rationalism and opposing fundamentalism that was founded by U.S.-based blogger Avijit Roy.

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Muslims are well-known for their tolerance of people who disagree with tenets of their fucked-up religion.

Das is the third blogger to be dismembered in the name of the beloved peace-loving pedophile Prophet Muhammad in broad daylight by followers of the all merciful one true sadistic and murderous god Allah.

Roy himself was hacked to death in February while returning home with his wife from a Dhaka book fair, and on March 30, Washiqur Rahman, another secular blogger who aired his outrage over Roy’s death on social media, was killed in similar fashion in the capital, Dhaka.

Roy’s widow, Rafida Bonya Ahmed, who was maimed in the attack and is in hiding in the United States, told Reuters Das’ case was similar to that of her husband.

“We told him so many times you need to be careful, because these dumbass sadistic religious fanatics are a dime a dozen in countries like Bangladesh, but he just thought that this was his passion, what he was supposed to do, and he had been doing it for a long time,” she said.

Ahmed said she would not be surprised if more bloggers were targeted. “Because the killers know they can get away with this, it will continue to happen,” she said. “This is serial killing by a bunch of religious zealot assholes that want to return to the good old days of the 7th century.”

According to monitoring service SITE Intelligence Group, Islamist militant group Ansar al-Islam Bangladesh said al Qaeda in the Indian Subcontinent (AQIS) had claimed responsibility for the attack.

In a statement released this afternoon, AQIS said that the attacks will continue until “everyone on earth accepts our version of Islam and we are allowed to burn all western books, treat women like dogs, murder any homosexuals we come across, and marry as many goats as we see fit. Only then will Allah’s love and blessings be bestowed on our planet and everyone will live in equal misery and ignorance.”

God “Sick And Tired” Of National Day Of Prayer

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GOD!!

VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – After his normal Friday lunch with Pope Francis, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to discuss world events and crises with members of the international press corps. The deity expressed concern over ongoing problems in Ukraine, the Middle East, and David Cameron’s shocking reelection in Great Britain.

“I don’t know what the hell those people were thinking re-electing that two-faced Tory aristocrat,” said God. “You think they would’ve learned their lesson by now.”

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God said one thing he was taking seriously were the millions of requests he received yesterday to strike Sean Hannity deaf and dumb. “I really despise that dumb bastard,” said God.

When a reporter from Fox News asked the Creator and Ruler of the Universe what he thought was accomplished by America’s National Day of Prayer yesterday, God responded, “Not a damn thing as far as I can tell.”

“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of it,” said the Supreme Being. “It’s not enough that I have to field requests every damn day about Little Johnny’s toenail fungus and Aunt Lizzie’s sick chickens, not to mention the millions of teenage boys praying that they lose their virginity before graduation, and the gazillions of requests for cash I get on an hourly basis. No, you guys have to go and proclaim a special day where everybody stops what the hell they’re doing and bombards my ass with all kinds of ridiculous requests.”

“My advice to you talking monkeys is that you take advantage of millions of years of natural selection and use your huge brains to come up with some of your own solutions to your problems. In other words, if you want something done, then get off your ass and do it! I’m busy trying to run a universe here. I’ve got better things to do than listen to you sniveling cretins in sagging skin sacks. I mean, shit!”

God then apologized to reporters and explained that he had to leave because he was due in the Andromeda galaxy to supervise a planet-wide referendum on third trimester abortions by the Reptile People.

Hillary Vows To Slash Deficit By Eliminating Executive Oversight Committees

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hillary5

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – At a rest area somewhere near Compost, Iowa this morning Hillary Clinton paused as she was exiting the men’s restroom to tell a group of near-rabid, obsessive-compulsive journalists that if elected she planned on banning executive oversight and investigative committees in both houses of Congress, along with the Office of the Special Prosecutor in D.C.

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When asked what would happen if the executive branch operated without any supervision Hillary responded, “What difference does it make?”

The Democrat candidate said that she would do this by executive order on her first day in office and the actions would be taken to reduce waste in government and save taxpayers’ money.

“I really don’t see the need for members of Congress to spend months going over the same old shit trying to dig up dirt on our president,” said Clinton. “The president has better things to do than worry about deleting emails, erasing tapes, and ‘disappearing’ key witnesses. Besides, the citizens of the United States elected these bozos to bring back subsidies for huge corporations, give tax breaks to the wealthiest members of our society, and get funding for bridges to nowhere so a few jobs can be created in their districts.”

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When queried on the subject of congressional oversight Hillary’s Hispanic Vote Liaison Officer Alphonso Redoya told reporters, “Oversight? We don’t need no stinking oversight!”

“I think that if members of Congress were to just concentrate on what the hell they were elected to do, we could reduce the number of days they are in session by about half and drastically cut their salaries and expenses. That would really help the federal government’s bottom line,” said Clinton.

When a reporter from the New York Times asked Clinton who would then provide oversight of the executive branch, an agitated Alphonso Bedoya, Clinton Campaign Hispanic Vote Liaison Officer, told him what he thought of executive oversight committees.

“Oversight? To god-damned hell with oversight! We have no oversight. In fact, we don’t need no oversight. I don’t have to show you any stinking oversight, you god-damned cabron and ching tu madre!”

Clinton then thanked the journalists, jumped in her van, and sped off too her next campaign fundraiser at Jim Bob’s Pork and Corn Barbecue Palace in Steaming Excrement Springs just outside Cedar Rapids.

Huckabee Warns Of Apocalypse If SCOTUS Rules In Favor Of Inter-Species Marriage

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charleton5

FORBIDDEN ZONE – (CT&P) – During a campaign swing through the Forbidden Zone today, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee warned crowds that if the Supreme Court rules in favor of inter-species marriage then all hell will break loose and America will be plucked from the surface of the earth and cast into the Lake of Fire.

“God will never forgive us for this,” said a sweating Huckabee. “Inter-species breeding is an abomination in the sight of Our Lord. We’ve already condemned ourselves to thousands of years in Purgatory for legalizing abortion and allowing minorities to vote. We don’t want to seal our fate by offering legal protection to those who wish to ignore God’s commandments.”

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Huckabee told adoring crowds that God would destroy America and murder millions of men, women, and children if we didn’t profess our love for him on a daily basis.

Although he is considered a long shot, Huckabee’s campaign for the Republican nomination has gathered steam in recent days as he has traveled the country pandering to his base of insane religious zealots, backwoods bigots, and gospel band base players.

Among other things, Huckabee has promised to set up “death panels” to determine whether liberals and atheists will be burned at the stake or simply sent to Christian re-education camps. He’s also promised to limit the tax exempt status of churches to those who “love Jesus” and will deport all Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and members of other faiths.

One of Huckabee’s most popular programs with his base is his “Back to the Promised Land” initiative, in which he proposes sending all Jewish Americans to Israel “where they belong.” “We love Israel and the Jews as a people because they were chosen by God, but we really don’t want to deal with those Christ killers on a personal basis,” said Huckabee.

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Huckabee told students at Simian High School in Half-life, New York that God was watching them 24 hours a day and any deviation from the strict and bizarre rules set forth in the Bible would result in them spending eternity in Hell.

The former governor promised that if he is elected president, homosexuals, pedophiles, and those practicing bestiality will all be executed except in certain areas of Arkansas and rural Appalachia where he polls well.

Most political experts believe that Huckabee stands little chance of gaining the Republican nomination, much less becoming president, but Huckabee insists that America needs to “hear the Good News of God’s love” from one of his loyal servants, so he will continue campaigning as long as he can con poor white people out of 10-25 dollar donations.

“I’m out here trying to stop America from becoming a progressive and caring nation with equality for all despite their sexual orientation or choice of mate,” said Huckabee. “I feel if we all pull together we can make America a shining light for all those around the globe who want to return to the Middle Ages and a social hierarchy based on the divine right of kings.”

Huckabee is scheduled to swing through the old Confederacy next week where he will be introducing his “Barefoot and Pregnant” initiative for newly married females.

 

 

Carly Fiorina Joins Vice Presidential Race

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brideoffrankenstein2

DARMSTADT, GERMANY – (CT&P) – From a dark and foreboding castle deep in the Odenwald, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina announced her candidacy for vice president on Monday, becoming the first declared female candidate to seek the Republican Party’s nomination for second-in-command.

“Yes, I am running,” Fiorina said on ABC’s “Good Morning America.” “I think I’m the best person for the job because I understand how unemployment benefits actually work. I understand the world, and all those lazy bastards who don’t have jobs in it.”

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Fiorina is known to have a short fuse and regularly goes on bloody rampages, firing anyone she comes in contact with.

The ex-Silicon Valley executive and long-shot contender has never held public office. In 2010, she unsuccessfully ran for Senate in California, losing to Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer.

However, Fiorina thinks her lack of political experience and vicious incompetence in business makes her the right choice for vice president.

“I’m the perfect candidate for the job because I have little or no empathy for average Americans, and I’ll be able to deflect criticism from a Republican president when the party repeals Obamacare, guts social safety nets, criminalizes women’s reproductive rights, and leads us into war with Iran,” said the bizarre-looking Fiorina.

“I’m really excited to be part of a group of xenophobic science deniers who want to turn the United States into a nightmarish theocracy run by a combination of religious zealots and huge, faceless corporations who ship all their meaningful jobs overseas,” said the twitching Fiorina.

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Before jumping into the race, Fiorina had a long talk with fellow kook Ted Cruz about the possibility of being his running mate.

“I know there are several other unfeeling, pompous ass lunatics running for vice president, but I think I proved I’m the right kook for the job by firing thousands of workers and botching a merger deal while I was at HP. Hey, if I didn’t do a good job then how come I got that 21 million when I slinked away?”

As optimistic as she comes across in interviews, Fiorina has a snowball’s chance in Hell of becoming vice president.

At this point, it would be hard for Fiorina’s poll numbers to be lower, and most pundits believe that whoever wins the Republican nomination would choose an ISIS terrorist before teaming up with her.

Jason Burnett, grandson of Hewlett-Packard co-founder David Packard and mayor of Carmel, California, told CNN, “She fucked up a great company and I don’t want to see her fuck up a great country. That miscreant needs to stay in her castle with all the rest of the good doctor’s flawed creations.”

Crazy Ass Black Dude Claims He’s Running For President

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Image: 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)

DETROIT – (CT&P) – An unidentified black man who according to authorities appeared “dangerously unbalanced” rented a ballroom in downtown Detroit on Monday and insisted to people wandering in off the street that he was running for president of the United States on the Republican ticket.

The man claimed to be a former neurosurgeon and said that God had told him in a dream that he should run for president.

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Among other things, the demented black man claimed that fossils were the work of Satan, homosexuals caused climate change, and Noah put dinosaurs on the Ark.

He then made a two-hour long rambling, disjointed speech that was interspersed with a gospel choir singing rap songs that had been ‘cleaned up’ for purposes of the event.

Among other things, the unhinged black gentleman said that the United States now resembled Nazi Germany, the Affordable Care Act was the worst thing since slavery, and that President Obama was a socialist dictator who was bent on taking over Texas and other parts of the southwest.

Authorities investigating the event told CNN that although the man did not appear to be dangerous, they were keeping a close eye on his comings and goings and had alerted federal agencies that a lunatic posing as a politician was now on the campaign trail.

Detroit Police Chief James Craig told a reporter from the Detroit Free Press that they first became aware of the event when concerned citizens began calling 911 saying that some crazy black man was running around the city claiming to be a Republican.

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Many people began leaving the event when the man said that Jesus rode from town to town in Palestine preaching the gospel from the back of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

“When we heard that, we knew we had a real nut on our hands,” said Chief Craig. “No self-respecting black person would ever vote for those cretins. So we sent some plainclothes officers down to this event he was having to find out just what the hell was going on.”

“My officers reported that the man appeared to be mentally ill because he kept raving that evolution was a myth and the earth was only 6,000 years old. He also told the audience that fossils were the work of Satan and related some wacked-out story about Noah putting dinosaurs on the Ark. I mean, this guy is hanging on to his sanity by a thread,” said Craig.

Chief Craig said that they decided not to arrest the man because he appeared harmless and very few people in Detroit took him seriously.

“We’re questioning some young white Jesus Freaks who helped set up the event, and we hope to discover just who this guy really is so we can do some background checks, but at this time no charges will be filed,” said Craig.

 

ISIS Takes Credit For Texas Attack, Income Inequality, Climate Change, And The Continual Disruptions In Mrs. Pearson’s 6th Grade Homeroom Class

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SOME NASTY ASS CAVE IN THE DESERT – (CT&P) – On Tuesday, ISIS took to its radio station, WKIL,  to boast that the bumbling idiots who attacked the Muhammad Art Exhibit and Cartoon Contest in Garland, Texas, on Sunday night were “two soldiers of the caliphate.” The claim, which has not yet been verified by any American officials, is the first attack on American soil for which the terror group has taken responsibility, but ISIS vowed it would not be the last.

During his morning drive-time program, Abdul-Aziz Asad Bouhtros Boutros Boutros Boutros Haddad Skyhook (which roughly translates to “he who lusts after young female goats”) read a statement from the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board that said that ISIS had recruited hundreds of disaffected young Muslims throughout the United States and would use these human time bombs to “bring America to its knees” like a “camel in heat.”

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Abu Bakr al-Buttpluggi told reporters outside his cave in Mosul that the United States and Israel will be buried under the weight of middle school class disruptions the likes of which have never been seen. “It will cause the ‘Mother of All Suspensions,'” he said.

“We tell America that what is coming will be even bigger and more bitter, and that you will see the soldiers of the Islamic State do terrible things. We have already ruined your economy by creating income inequality, we are responsible for the ongoing destruction of the polar ice caps, our agents within the police force and black community are burning your cities to the ground, and all this is just the beginning!” said Skyhook as foamed at the mouth.

“We have young, ideologically pure soldiers of the caliphate in place in all of your elementary and middle schools, and we are set to unleash them at any time! Prepare for the ‘Mother of All Class Disruptions!’ You vile infidels will reap the reward for your imperialist invasions, the theft of our blessed and merciful fossils fuels, and your fucking fast food franchises now dotting the Middle East. Die Great Satan!”

Skyhook then had to cut to traffic to report an overturned camel on the road to Mecca.

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Little Johnny McDunce, a fourth grader at Dim Bulb Elementary School in Toxic Springs, Kansas, was interrogated by FBI agents after posting detailed plans for an atomic bomb on his Facebook page. “I was only fucking around,” claimed Johnny. Johnny is known to his classmates as the “Spitball Sheik.”

Federal investigators have yet to confirm that the two men who conducted the attack in Garland have any connections to ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or one of the gazillion half-ass terrorist splinter groups trying to earn brownie points by murdering defenseless civilians.

“At this time we have no reason to believe that these two clowns had any connections to anything other than Twitter and Facebook,” said FBI Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III. “About the only thing they had in common was a low IQ and an inability to plan even the simplest terrorist attack. Hell, they barely even got out of their fucking car before they were turned into Swiss cheese,” chuckled Zimbalist.

When asked about the claims made by the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board on WKIL, Zimbalist told journalists that he wasn’t overly concerned.

“You have to remember who we’re dealing with here. Neanderthals would score higher on the SAT. So don’t worry; these imbeciles couldn’t find their asses with both hands,” said Zimbalist.

Muhammad Dissatisfied With Recent Depictions

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muhammed

PARADISE – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad spoke with reporters outside Paradise this morning to express his regret over the failed attack on the “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas yesterday.

“I’m really disappointed that the attackers were so fucking incompetent that they didn’t even manage to get out of their goddamn car,” said Muhammad, last messenger of Allah the Most Merciful. “If this had happened in Baghdad the whole fucking building would have been destroyed along with all those infidel artists and their families. It’s just hard to get good help in America. No one wants to work. Hell, half the population is on foods stamps!”

Muhammad also took the opportunity to complain about recent depictions and artist’s renderings of himself.

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The Prophet told journalists that he was particularly irritated with cartoonists that got his nose wrong and depicted him using antiquated weaponry

“I’d like to emphasize that most of these artists have it all wrong. I am a much more handsome guy than these idiots depict. I have high cheekbones, an aquiline nose, and perfect facial symmetry. My shoulders are strong and broad, and my beard is always well-groomed and most of the time free of lice. And I tell you something else, there’s not a goat on the planet that can resist my ‘come hither’ look.”

Although the incompetent gunmen were unable to gain entry to the building housing the event, a security guard and one policeman were injured at the entrance before the jumpy jihadis died in a hail of gunfire. Reports are now surfacing that, as is always the case, at least one of the idiots was known to the FBI before the attack.

Many news outlets are condemning the organizers of the event, saying that it was unwise and unnecessarily provocative, while others are saying that it is yet another shining example of Islam’s less-than-stellar record when it comes to free speech, equality for women, treatment of homosexuals, basic human rights, or just about any other fucking thing valued by modern society.

Before closing his press conference, Muhammad made it clear that he did not mind people drawing him as long as the depictions were flattering.

“Look, I really don’t give a shit whether people draw me or not; I personally could care less, but if they are gonna do it, at least get it right. I’m actually a very pretty dude. Now you’ll have to excuse me so I can get back to my virgins. They are a very demanding bevy of bitches.”