Monthly Archives: June 2015

Florida Governor Rick Scott To Be Released Into The Everglades

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TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott will be released into Everglades National Park at the end of his second term, according to sources close to the administration.

Aides to Governor Scott said that the decision has nothing to do with the disappearance of three immigrant children while touring the governor’s mansion late last month.

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Governor Scott’s appearance has led many to believe that he is actually the Aztec snake god Quetzacoatl cleverly disguised as an unfeeling short-sighted Republican politician.

“This has absolutely nothing to do with the rumors concerning the governor’s feeding habits or the ugly stories about human sacrifice,” said Sally Chicomecoatl, an aide to Governor Scott and part-time serpent goddess of maize, nourishment, and fertility.

“We just want the governor to be happy in his retirement, and being among his friends and relatives out in the fetid swamps of the Everglades seems like a good start,” said Chicomecoatl.

The rumors and “ugly stories” have been the subject of long-term investigations by journalists at several newspapers in  central Florida, as well as the BBC News program Ethel the Frog.

Vince Snetterton Lewis, an investigative reporter for the Orlando Sentinel, has written a series of pieces detailing the mysterious disappearances of illegal farm workers from north and central Florida. The disappearances seem to coincide with late-night ceremonies in the basement of the governor’s mansion and torchlit processions in the giant, heavily guarded jungle greenhouse located on the grounds.

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Aides to Governor Scott have repeatedly denied ugly rumors regarding the disappearance of several immigrant children who visited the governor’s mansion late last month.

“I’ve interviewed dozens of state employees,” said Lewis. “Most are simply too terrified to say anything about their work for the governor, but one, Stig O’Tracy, a former IRA bomb maker and intelligence operative who was hired to sweep the mansion for electronic listening devices, gave me some insight into the goings-on within the mansion, or the ‘House of 1000 Corpses,’ as he calls it.”

“O’Tracy told me that Governor Scott routinely rips open the chest cavities of illegal Central American farm workers and their children so he can present their still-beating hearts to the Aztec sun god Tonatuih, in hopes that he will continue to rise every morning, thus insuring a healthy tourist trade for the state. According to O’Tracy, a side benefit of this activity is that a happy Tonatuih produces a high number of malignant melanomas so Scott’s hospital chain can fleece the unwary with natural ‘cures’ made out of jaguar livers and tapir scrotums.”

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Governor Scott’s feeding habits have been the subject of several investigations over the years.

So far Lewis and his counterparts in the press have been unable to confirm O’Tracy’s stories because so many of the governor’s former employees end up in the median of Alligator Alley or floating face-down in the Gulf. However, they continue to pursue the story as hundreds of illegal workers continue to disappear every year from Florida’s “Killing Fields.”

“We want to try to nail this freak before he escapes to the swamps of the Everglades at the end of the term,” said Lewis. “Once he gets out there we’ll never find him.”

In a statement issued by the firm of Huehuecotyl, Tlaloc, and Totec, the governor’s lawyer Frank Huehuecotyl stated that the governor would “fight tooth and nail” to refute the unsubstantiated claims, and would “smother them like a python would a baby rabbit.”

Mr. Huehuecotyl is a graduate of the Universidad Anahuac law school in Mexico City and spends his weekends fulfilling his obligations as the Aztec god of trickery and deceit.

 

 

FIFA Suspends 2026 World Cup Bribing Process

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ZURICH – (CT&P) -Soccer’s world governing body bought itself some time on Wednesday before beginning the most important process on its agenda—selecting a host for the 2026 World Cup—even as it scrambles to elect a new president.

FIFA said the 2026 bribing process, which was due to begin this fall, was on hold because of the separate U.S. and Swiss investigations that led to the arrest and detention of several FIFA officials in May. The organization also confirmed that it would hold an extraordinary executive committee meeting in July to set a date for a new presidential election, which is expected to fall in December.

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Although hated by almost everyone on earth and considered the worst thing that ever happened to the game of football, Blatter remains in charge of FIFA. “The asshole is proving harder to kill off than an Alien xenomorph,” said Michel Platini, head of the European soccer federation.

“With so many of our top officials under indictment and unable to fulfill their nefarious duties, we are regretfully going to have to delay the bribe and blackmail process for the 2026 World Cup until sometime next spring,” said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA and human lamprey.

“The United States and Mexico are both in the running, so we’re looking forward to some very lucrative cash transfers from America and large shipments of narcotics as well as some attractive prostitutes from the cartels ‘south of the border.’

“We just thought it would be wise to delay things a while so our guys can repudiate all these ridiculous charges leveled by the FBI and Swiss authorities,” said Blatter, as he picked his mouthful of razor-sharp teeth with a golden toothpick.

During the press conference Blatter also mentioned that African and Asian countries should be building up their gold bullion reserves because the bribing process for 2030 would commence shortly after the 2026 site was determined.

 

Franklin Graham Encourages Christians To Be More Like Jesus And Hate Gay People

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CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA – (CT&P) – During a press conference earlier this week, wacko religious kook the Right Reverend Franklin Graham (R-Loonesville) had a novel idea: “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”

Among other things, Graham is incensed that Wells Fargo Bank is running an ad which includes the story of a lesbian couple learning sign language before adopting a child who is deaf.

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Graham warned that if the Supreme Court makes gay marriage the law of the land, the Ape Coalition would push for equal rights and “God would damn us all to HELL!”

Incensed by this blatant display of love and compassion, Graham announced that the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association To Promote the Financial Health and Narcissism of Franklin Graham and Jesus Our Lord will no longer be doing business with the bank.

“The Prince of Peace and Lord of Light would vomit if he were here to see this kind of tenderness, warmth, and charity being shown by these people,” said Graham. “It’s disgusting!”

Graham went on to rave that “good” Christians should boycott Starbucks, Tiffany’s, Nike, Target, Ford, Levi’s, Amazon, Home Depot, Expedia, Microsoft, Pepsi, Proctor and Gamble, Gap, Oreo, Macy’s, Old Navy, Banana Republic, General Mills, J.C. Penney, Walgreen’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Google, eBay, Orbitz, Jet Blue, Mastercard, Johnson and Johnson, Goldman Sachs, UBS, Marriott, Cisco, the liberal media, the Democrat Party, the Catholic Church, the Episcopal Church, the Mormon Church, the Methodist Church, Unitarians, Zionists, all state and federal government offices and employees, every country in continental Europe, anyone who exhibits higher brain function, liberals, and Whataburger.

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After pleading with his followers to boycott almost every fucking business on the planet, Graham begged believers to read their Bibles, where one can find justification for almost any abomination man has ever committed.

“These are all evil institutions who do the work of Satan and must be driven into the fiery pit of Hell,” screamed Graham, as tears and mucous ran down his face. “This outpouring of compassion and love for people who do not share our weird, repressed sexuality marks the end of Christian civilization as we know it!

“Anyone with any sense knows that God hates fags and Jesus wouldn’t have been caught dead with anyone who showed love and compassion for his fellow-man! I’m calling on anyone who has a few spare dollars to contribute to my tax-free ministry so I can more effectively fight these evil institutions. You can send us a check or use the handy ‘Contribute to Jesus’ button on our website. Please give generously or you may find yourself in the Lake of fucking Fire one day!”

So far the response to the unbalanced Graham’s absurd boycott has been lukewarm.

“If we boycott all these businesses we’ll be living in a fucking mud hut somewhere,” said R.W. Scrotum, a Christian from Falls Church, Virginia.

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After the press conference Graham retired to his study where he prayed that every gay man on earth be cast into the Lake of Fire so he wouldn’t be tempted anymore.

“The dude must have had some sort of stroke or something,” said Ethyl Chloride, a Christian from Birmingham, Alabama. “I’ll pray for the bastard. Maybe that will help,” she chuckled.

Corporate reaction to the threatened boycott has been roughly the same as that from Franklin’s far-flung band of unstable followers.

“Like many who are rabidly against gay marriage and equal rights for all our citizens, Franklin Graham has struggled with his sexuality for many years,” said Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf.

“I think Mr. Graham needs to pick up a paper or watch some channel other than Fox News every once in a while. He might be able to pick up on the fact that we’re no longer in the Middle Ages. As far as I’m concerned he can take his boycott and shove it up his ass. It makes no difference to us.”

 

 

Progressive Texas Politicians Vote To Give Black Folks Their Very Own Community Swimming Pools

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AUSTIN – (CT&P) – In a move sure to draw fire from the libertarian wing of the Republican Party, a group of Texas state representatives has voted to provide black people with their very own community swimming pools. The group, who call themselves “Compassionate Cretins,” are backed by support from Senator and presidential pretender Ted Cruz  and U.S. House Representative and accomplished idiot Louie Gohmert, both from the once sane state of Texas.

The bill, dubbed the “Equal Swimming Rights for Black Folks Bill of 2015,” would provide “separate but equal” swimming pools for Texas’ approximately 3 1/2 million black residents.

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Proponents of the controversial bill emphasize that the swimming pools reserved for use by black folks will be top quality and will be provided with shady areas where visitors can relax and cool off.

“We just want to relieve tensions between the races and provide safe swimming areas for our minorities here in Texas,” said Billy Bob McSnoot from Steaming Turd Springs. “Besides, the Bible says we ought not be mixing different races while submerged in various liquids, and I think everyone can agree the water is a liquid most of the time.”

U.S. House Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX), a strong supporter of the bill, told CNN that the program would be “a real money saver” because there would be fewer calls to 911 by bigoted assholes concerned that black kids were polluting their pristine community swimming pools.

“Everyone knows that most black people are socialist Muslims, just like our president,” said Gohmert, “they spread disease and steal things. It costs us a fortune to send cops out to kill them all the time, so we figured if we isolated them in their own special swimming areas, we could save a ton of money and heartache.”

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Senator Cruz said he looked forward to the day when secular humanists and other subhumans would have their very own special places to go enjoy outdoor activities.

“Plus, it’ll give our police officers more time to do what they’re really good at: murdering homeowner’s dogs,” concluded Gohmert.

Wacked out religious kook Ted Cruz agreed, saying “I have no doubt that this bill will grow jobs in and around Texas. If we can make this work, I think the novel idea of ‘separate but equal’ swimming pools will sweep across the Bible Belt. I envision a whole series of different swimming areas reserved specifically for the use of liberals, atheists, Muslims, and other unsaved trash around the southeast. We could call it the ‘Casebolt-Slager Swimming Trail.'”

The bill has received enthusiastic grassroots support from the Texas chapter of the Tea Party and several other medieval political associations. The bill is expected to pass easily through the Republican dominated Texas state house and be signed by Texas’ paranoid conspiracy theorist governor Greg Abbott sometime next week.

 

‘Extinct’ Species Spotted At Dallas Pool Party

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poolparty1

The gigantic beast roamed through the crowd of teenagers unmolested as arriving cops concentrated instead on violating the black kids’ civil rights, as is their habit.

 

DALLAS – (CT&P) – A call to police about a giant creature lumbering through a party at a community pool thrust the affluent suburb of McKinney into the national spotlight on race, police relations, and paleobiology on Sunday.

Police Cpl. Eric Casebolt was placed on administrative leave after a video surfaced showing him pulling a 15-year-old girl to the ground and pinning her down outside a pool party Friday night in the expansive Craig Ranch subdivision. Seconds later, he pulled his gun and pointed it at two teens who appear to try to come to her aid.

The profanity-laced seven-minute video, posted to YouTube on Saturday, had been viewed more than 4 million times by Monday. It shows white police officers trying to control black teens who had scattered as officers arrived in the neighborhood.

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The horrifying creature was even allowed to start a mating ritual with one teenager by rubbing his scrotum against the back of her head.

Cops were originally called to the area when neighborhood watch members saw what they described as “a lumbering behemoth” moving among teens attending a Sunday afternoon party.

“The kids were terrified,” said Ralph Numbnuts, resident and community leader of Flat Earth Estates, where the incident took place. “We considered breaking out our RPG’s, flamethrowers, and automatic weapons, but we decided to leave it to the cops because we thought they might be able to stun the beast and take it alive. So we used our public address system to warn folks that the police were on their way so that everyone could put up their dogs and keep them out of danger.

“But to our amazement when the swine arrived on the scene they virtually ignored the enormous monster and instead went after every black kid in sight. It was like showing red to an angry bull!”

Numbnuts told reporters later that he had read a study on the internet that something in cops’ DNA caused them to lose all higher brain function when confronted with dogs or black people, and became murderous automatons incapable of human emotion.

“But I thought it was all bullshit,” said Numbnuts. “Now I know better.”

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The Megatherium was thought to go extinct at the end of the Pleistocene, and unconfirmed reports of gigantic fat-ass creatures lumbering through Walmart and Dollar Stores around the country have up until now thought to be baseless rumors.

Eventually over ten police units were called to the scene in an attempt to violate the civil rights of every black teenager in the area, but even with that many cops around, the colossus was able to escape and his whereabouts are unknown.

Paleontologists have been able to identify the huge creature as a Megatherium, or giant ground sloth.

“It was a giant, fat-ass sloth the size of a fucking elephant that was thought to go extinct at the end of the Pleistocene,” said David Grimaldi of Cornell. “It’s flat-out amazing that one is now wandering around the suburbs of a major city. I just can’t believe it.”

McKinney Mayor Brian Loughmiller said that he expects city staff and police officials to quickly conduct an investigation into the officer’s actions.

“I am disturbed and concerned by the incident and actions depicted in the video,” Loughmiller said in a written statement. “Our expectation as a City Council is that our police department and other departments will act professionally and with appropriate restraint relative to the situation they are faced with. For these idiots to completely ignore a gigantic fat-ass monster and instead go after young people in bathing suits is really deplorable.”

McKinney Police Chief Greg Conley, who declined to say what specific behavior in the video led to the investigation, said Sunday that several officers were immediately placed on leave.

 

 

American Pharoah Accused Of Racing On Underinflated Hooves

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Less than 24 hours after American Pharoah won the Belmont Stakes, accusations have arisen from competing stables that he ran the race on underinflated hooves.

The victory at Belmont made the thoroughbred the first odd-toed ungulate to win the Triple Crown, the greatest achievement in horse racing, since 1978.

Pharoah ended the longest Crown drought by sweeping the sport’s top three races, becoming only the 12th horse ever to do so.

American Pharoah, ridden by jockey Victor Espinoza, beat a tough field of seven other thoroughbreds by 5 1/2 lengths.

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An outraged Mubtaahij spoke with reporters after the race but no one could tell what the fuck he was saying because he insisted on speaking in Arabic. He did however end his diatribe by screaming “Death to America” in broken English.

Espinoza guided the three-year-old colt to the rail at the start, taking the lead in the first quarter. Trailing American Pharoah for most of the race was Materiality, before Mubtaahij and Frosted made plays for second. But no one could overtake the lightning fast Pharoah.

Espinoza, the intrepid jockey who piloted Pharoah to victory, secured his spot in history by yelling “Holy Shit!” shortly after he crossed the finish line.

But today ugly rumors have surfaced concerning the thoroughbred’s propensity to underinflate his hooves prior to race time.

Competitors Frosted, Keen Ice, and Mubtaahij told reporters from Ungulate Weekly that Pharoah has been cheating all season long, and complaints to racing officials have fallen on deaf ears.

“That bastard runs every damn race with underinflated hooves, and we believe it gives him an unfair advantage,” said Frosted.

“That’s right,” said Keen Ice. “That pompous ass pretty boy has a special trainer he calls his ‘Deflater’ who tampers with his hooves prior to every race. It’s cheating and it’s damn disgraceful!”

Mubtaahij then went on a 15 minute diatribe about the situation but most of it was unintelligible because he was speaking in Arabic.

Racing officials have promised to look into the allegations raised by Pharoah’s competitors but no one believes that anything serious will happen.

“We’re probably talking about some fines and maybe some minor reprimands here,” said Racing Commissioner Roger Equus. “I don’t think Pharoah’s Triple Crown victory will be overturned.”

DuggarMingle.com To Launch This Summer

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LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – TLC has announced in a press release this morning that they are sponsoring a new website, DuggarMingle.com. The dating site will be up and running sometime this summer and is designed to help Duggar singles find other Duggars for friendship, romance, pedophilia, or Bible study.

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Jim Bob Billy Joe Frankie Ray Bosyphilis Duggar, the family patriarch and instigator of all this religious nonsense told reporters that he was delighted that cousins, aunts, uncles, and other members of the extended family would now be able to log on and find perverts and pedophiles they could hook up with. “After all, spice is nice but incest is best,” said Duggar.

“We thought a dating site would help Duggars find other family members who had the same interests in incest, pedophilia, and weird Bible verses so they could get together and ‘be fruitful and multiply,'” said Ezekiel Koresh, TLC’s Vice President of Depraved Christian Cults.

 

“It should also help to keep some of these perverted liaisons below the radar so we can continue to rake in the cash from this group of freaks. The last thing we need now is another scandal,” said Koresh.

Jim Bob Billy Joe “Randy” Duggar, family patriarch and misguided religious freak, told TLC that he thought the website was a “great idea.”

 

“When your moral code is based on a text that was written before man knew any better than to keep feces out of his water supply, you’re going to have some reprobates and deviants crop up in the dozens of spawn you produce,” said Duggar. “It’s inevitable. I just hope we can keep the genetic mutations and incidence of congenital disorders down to a manageable level.”

TLC hopes that the site will be up and running before the popular Fourth of July Pro Life Family Coitus Festival held each year in Wandering Schlong, Arkansas. Former governor and presidential candidate Mike Huckabee will be the keynote speaker at the event.

ISIS Refuses To Serve Water To Customers; Cites Religious Freedom Restoration Act

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BAGHDAD – (CT&P) – Islamic State militants have curtailed the amount of water flowing to government-held areas in Iraq’s western Anbar province, an official said Thursday, the latest in the vicious war as Iraqi forces struggle to claw back ground held by the extremists in the Sunni heartland.

It’s not the first time that water has been used as a weapon of war in Mideast conflicts and in Iraq in particular. Earlier this year, the Islamic State group reduced the flow through another lock outside the militant-held town of Fallujah, also in Anbar province. But the extremists soon reopened it after criticism from the media and threats of boycotts on the Islamic State from more progressive terrorists and business leaders in surrounding provinces.

The reduced flow of water through the militant-held dam on the Euphrates River will threaten irrigation systems and water treatment plants in nearby areas controlled by troops and tribes opposed to the extremist group, provincial council member Taha Abdul-Ghani told the Associated Press.

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Butthollah told reporters that it didn’t matter if it was water, pizza, or a fucking wedding cake, none of his employees would be serving anything to anyone who did not agree with his crazy ass religious beliefs.

Abdul-Ghani said there would be no immediate effect on Shiite areas in central and southern Iraq, saying water is being diverted to those areas from the Tigris River.

The United Nations had said on Wednesday that it was looking into reports that ISIS had reduced the flow of water through the al-Warar dam.

ISIS CEO Abu Bakr al-Butthollah told reporters from Al Jazeera that the actions were perfectly justified under the Islamic State’s new “Religious Freedom Restoration Act, enacted last December.

“We got the idea from Indiana and other misguided, backwards-ass states located in the Great Satan,” said Butthollah. “We have to protect our employees’ deeply held religious beliefs. Our supreme court already upheld the law with its landmark decision in Unexploded Ordnance Lobby v Omar last month.

“There’s just no way that we’re going to force any of our employees to serve water to infidels with alternative lifestyles, and I think Allah would be proud of the stand we’re taking for bigoted assholes all over the globe.”

United Nations officials have reacted with dismay to the policy, as it has to the ridiculous attempts to make homosexuals second-class citizens within the U.S.

“The use of water as a tool of war is to be condemned in no uncertain terms,” the spokesman for the UN secretary-general, Stephane Dujarric, told reporters. “It is just a damn shame that these throwbacks from the Middle Ages still exist in state governments around America and in the Middle East as well. These kinds of reports are disturbing, to say the least.”

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta

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rickperry99

ADDISON, TEXAS – (CT&P) – Rick Perry announced his plans to run for president yesterday in an abandoned airplane hangar normally used to house illegal Mexican slave laborers. Mr. Perry used to the occasion to introduce his campaign theme song, “Kill ‘Em All and Let God Sort ‘Em Out,” a bizarre country western rap tune that Perry hopes will secure his gun-toting, Bible-thumping, knuckle-dragging base of poor white trash.

In his speech, Mr. Perry, 65, sought to separate himself from the Republican pack by casting himself as a leader who has done the work rather than a politician who talks about doing it, pointing to his executions of hundreds of minority prisoners and efforts to stop black folks and poor people from voting in elections.

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It’s good to be a gangsta

He also emphasized that his 14-year tenure as governor of a state with one of the largest populations of lunatics and paranoid conspiracy theorists in the world gave him practical experience in appeasing oppressed masses of idiots without the sense God gave a goat.

“The question of every candidate will be this: When have you led?” Mr. Perry said. “Leadership is not a speech on the Senate floor. It’s not what you say. It’s what you have done. When have my opponents personally kicked-in the teeth of a starving Central American child trying to cross the border for food? When have they shut down Planned Parenthood clinics and forced poor women to travel hours to exercise their constitutional rights? When have they gone out and acted like a complete moron with Fox News personalities?

“I’m telling you right now we ain’t gonna find the kind of leadership needed to revitalize the country by looking to the political class in Washington. That leadership will come from a podunk town in one of the most backwards-ass states in the Union!”

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Good to be a gangsta

But whether Mr. Perry has done enough to repair the damage from his failed run in 2012 and move out of the second tier of candidates remains unclear. Even in Texas, Mr. Perry has lost crucial support to some of his rivals.

Steve Munisteri, a former chairman of the Republican Party of Texas, has been heading Senator Rand Paul’s presidential campaign in Texas. Many of the grass-roots Tea Party lunatic fringe activists in Texas have flocked to unbalanced dingbat Ted Cruz, while some of those in the more mainstream Texas Republican establishment are supporting Mr. Bush, whose son, George P. Bush, is the state’s new land commissioner.

“Perry provides a robust record of abominable accomplishments that no one can rival,” said David M. Carney, a former political consultant to Mr. Perry and a top strategist for his 2012 campaign. “The question remains: Can he garner enough support from kooky right-wing simpletons to make his campaign viable…or has his time passed?”

Mr. Perry is scheduled to visit 29 gun shows around the state of Texas over the weekend before attending an illegal immigrant turkey shoot/fund-raiser down on the border on Monday. Only time will tell if he has a shot at the Republican nomination.

Robby The Robot To Run For Republican Nomination

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ALTAIR IV – (CT&P) – Minutes after hearing that Rick Perry had jumped in the race for the Republican nomination for president in 2016, Robby the Robot announced he was joining the race as well. At a press conference this morning held outside Dr. Morbius’ home on the “Forbidden Planet,” Robby told reporters that he was joining the approximately three dozen other Republicans in the race for the White House.

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Commander John Adams and his sometime girlfriend Altaira, both Democrats, were shocked and dismayed by Robby’s announcement. “He’s smarter than the rest of those idiots put together and stands a real chance of being elected,” said Adams.

“If that moron Rick Perry can run, then so can a fucking robot,” said Robby. “I possess about 100 times the computing power of Rick Perry’s brain, and have a far deeper grasp of the complicated problems that the earth faces in the 21st century.”

This marks the first time Robby has delved into politics. In the past he’s been content to do menial chores around the cosmic outpost and occasionally fight off “monsters from the Id.”

“My experience battling unseen forces of evil from the depths of the human subconscious makes me uniquely suited to defend America from foreign threats. I plan to set up force fields along the Mexican border that will instantly vaporize any Central American kids that want to invade and steal all of our minimum wage jobs,” said Robby.

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Robby is said to have discussed his political plans with his good friend from the other side of the aisle John Kerry

“Furthermore, I’m going to use my energy weapons to pulverize ISIS and turn Iran into a worthless pile of fused glass. After that, I’ll turn my attention to domestic issues and get on with the process of denying black people the vote and doing away with these silly attempts to provide poor people with affordable health care.

“I’m what America needs! A ruthlessly logical machine that is devoid of empathy and compassion. I hope you’ll consider voting for me. I’ll be available for questions when I arrive on earth in 2.5 light years. Thank you.”

Although Robby is little more than a right-wing pile of circuit breakers and transistors, Republican leaders have said that he stands as good a chance as any to seize the nomination.

“Considering our current lineup of fruitcakes, dunderheads, and religious kooks, anything could happen,” said RNC Chairman Reince “Beavis” Priebus.