Monthly Archives: October 2015

Ben Carson To Star In New X-Files Episode

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epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

 

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Retired neurosurgeon and fantasy presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson will have a starring role in Episode 4 of the X-Files revival, which begins airing on Fox in January.

According to series creator Chris Carter, Carson will play a charismatic but criminally insane Seventh-day Adventist minister who plots terror attacks on abortion clinics, gay night clubs, and university science departments.

The episode in which Carson stars revolves around Molder and Scully trying to prevent a rumored attack on the U.S. Supreme Court.

“Originally we had written a much more complex role for Dr. Carson,” said Carter. “We had assumed that he had acting experience because we didn’t think that anyone could possibly believe the crap that comes out of his mouth. Boy were we wrong. The guy is a fucking fruitcake! So we got together and re-wrote the episode and gave him something he could really relate to. I think it’ll turn out just fine now.”

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In the much anticipated episode, Molder discovers that a mild mannered minister played by Carson is actually a Red Lectroid from Planet 10 bent on instituting a Christian version of sharia law in America. Blowing up the Supreme Court is just the first phase of his evil plan.

During an interview on CNN Variety editor Peter Bart said that Episode 4 is probably the most realistic scenario in the whole miniseries.

“The working title is ‘Idiot from Planet 10,'” said Bart.

“Basically it’s about a group of gullible white people who worship Carson and believe anything he says, no matter how ridiculous. They’ll do anything for him, including sacrificing their lives in an effort to turn America into a Christian theocracy.

“I don’t want to give away the whole thing, but I will say that Molder discovers that Carson’s church and compound is built under high voltage power lines, thus making the white folks highly susceptible to suggestion and even dumber than they normally are. It’s pretty realistic.”

Many pundits believe that the added exposure could help Carson boost his poll numbers with what can only be described as the unhinged batshit crazy base of the Republican Party.

The episode is scheduled to air in late February.

 

NRA Blames Oregon Shooting On ‘Gun Free’ Zones

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference this evening, CEO and Executive Vice President of the NRA Wayne LaPierre blamed today’s mass shooting in Oregon on dangerous ‘gun free zones’ around schools, churches, and government buildings.

The shooting, in which at least 13 were killed and at least 20 more wounded, occurred at Umpqua Community College, which has about 3,000 students, in a rural community about three hours south of Portland. The first calls came in at 10:38 a.m., local officials said, and the college was put on lockdown as a number of law enforcement agencies responded.

The gunman died after an exchange of gunfire with the police.

The NRA was quick to respond to the tragedy, releasing a statement even as the last bullets were being fired by the perpetrator and law enforcement. The statement emphasized that if only we could do away with liberal politicians and communist school administrators that push for gun free zones around schools and other public buildings these types of senseless tragedies could be avoided.

At LaPierre’s presser later in the day LaPierre stressed that the only way to stop mass shootings in America was for every citizen to be armed from childhood to death with automatic weapons and large capacity magazines.

“We have to stop this senseless violence,” said an emotional LaPierre. “The NRA has always been against these dangerous gun free zones. Whenever any group of people is walking around unarmed it’s just asking for trouble. In the next session of Congress, we intend to push for a bill providing free or discounted weapons to all Americans. And it’s not just guns we need. We’ve partnered with our friends in the manufacturing sector to push for the legal ownership of RPG’s, flamethrowers, and crew-served automatic weapons.

“We also believe that everyone in the U.S. should own a shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missile in case one of these nuts decides to attack a school in a private aircraft. It just makes good sense.”

President Obama, who earlier in the day expressed his sadness after hearing of the shooting, responded to LaPierre by saying: “Wayne LaPierre is a giant prick.”

 

 

Christians Fail To Shut Down Government; Vow To Screw The Poor Sometime In December

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) -With only hours to spare on the last day of the fiscal year, Congress averted a government shutdown on Wednesday by approving a temporary spending measure to keep federal agencies operating through Dec. 11.

In the House, the legislation was approved only because of strong support by Democrats — a sign of how angry rank-and-file Republicans remain over their powerlessness to force policy changes on the Obama administration.

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Christian outrage over propaganda films patched together by David Daleiden have added fuel to government shutdown fire. Rumor has it the next round of videos features Planned Parenthood employees feeding Christian fetuses to a pride of lions.

The House vote was 257 to 151, with 186 Democrats and 91 Republicans in favor. All of the “no” votes were by Republicans.

In one last display of their fury, House Republicans on Wednesday adopted another resolution to cut off government financing to Planned Parenthood. The resolution was to be sent to the Senate, where Democrats were certain to block it.

The House Freedom Caucus, a band of about 40 right-wing religious kooks who favor a Christian version of sharia law, was outraged that their attempt to deny food and medical care to the poor was again stopped by more reasonable politicians.

Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan (R-OH) told Fox News anchor Sean Hannity on his radio show today that although this attempt to wreck the food stamp program and deny poor women access to cancer screenings and low-cost contraception was blocked, another attempt will be made in December, just in time for Christmas.

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Right wing Christians are rarely accused of being the most intellectually formidable political faction.

“We follow the teachings of Jesus Christ,” said Jordan, “and Jesus hates poor people who don’t have the drive to get out there and get a job.

“He also hates immigrants, the hungry, and people who aren’t white. Our government should reflect the teachings of Jesus, and Jesus supports an America with a strong military and no social safety nets.

“Our slogan is ‘God, Guns, and Guts.’ Leave all that empathy, reason and critical thought crap to the blasphemers!”

Senator and fantasy presidential candidate Ted Cruz of Texas, who was also on the show, told Hannity that he would do his best to completely wreck the U.S. Congress and fuck up as many government programs as he could before the birthday of his Lord and Savior.

“The dream of denying food and medical treatment to the poor must never die,” said Cruz. “You have to ask yourself ‘what would Jesus do?’ and I think it’s obvious to anyone who reads the New Testament that Jesus would tell poor women to go fuck themselves. Praise the Lord!”