Monthly Archives: November 2015

Obama Vows To Increase War On ISIS To Three-Quarters Ass Level

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a briefing early this morning White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that President Obama was bowing to pressure from French President Francois Hollande by ramping up our efforts to destroy ISIS to the dreaded three-quarters ass level.

“The President has decided that we’ve been fucking around at the half-ass level long enough, and it’s time to really get tough with these bastards,” said Earnest.

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Putin did not appear impressed with President Obama’s promises to “get tough” on ISIS. The Russian president made his remarks while personally patrolling the borders of Chechnya looking for terrorists to torture.

Mr. Earnest said that the new level of engagement consisted of doing the same fucking thing we’ve been doing for over a year, just more of it.

“We’re really going to let them have it now,” he said.

Mr. Obama will be meeting with President Hollande at the White House next week where he will explain how his strategy of bombing empty buildings and ancient oil transport trucks is a sure-fire way to demoralize and destroy the 7th Century savages we’re up against.

When reached for comment on the new American war plan, Vladimir Putin merely chuckled and said, “Whatever.”

 

 

Carson Slips Into Coma During Fox News Interview

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Former neurosurgeon, lunatic, and leading GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson lost consciousness and slipped into a coma during an interview yesterday with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday.

While attempting to answer a grueling series of “gotcha” questions like “Where do you live?” “What form of government do we have in the United States?” and “Why did Satan make fossils?” Carson began blinking furiously, waving his arms, and whispering incoherently about frontal lobes, Arab states, and grain silos.  Within moments he appeared to faint and his head lolled to one side of his body.

Aides to Dr. Carson rushed into the studio and he was whisked away to an undisclosed location.

The Carson campaign later issued a press release stating that Dr. Carson was unresponsive but breathing normally in a nearby hotel room.

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Dr. Carson lost his Maryland driver’s license years ago when he lost consciousness in a Popeye’s “organization” drive-thru and caused a three car pile up.

A spokesman for the campaign emphasized that the incident was nothing to worry about.

“It’s nothing out of the ordinary,” said the spokesman. “It’s occurred several times already this week, and Dr. Carson will be back selling books “before you know it.”

A volunteer for the campaign backed up the spokesman, telling CNN that Carson has been losing consciousness regularly during campaign stops in Iowa, but no one has noticed.

“Most folks have no idea what the fuck Ben is saying most of the time anyway. He appears to be on Thorazine or Xanax all the time, and he rarely makes any sense at all. The only way we can really tell if he’s lost consciousness is if we suddenly stop hearing batshit crazy ideas come out of his mouth,” said the volunteer.

“In the end it makes no difference with his core supporters as long as he continues to love Jesus and hate the poor.”

Dr. Carson is expected to make a complete recovery and continue saying crazy things as he roams the country selling books in the coming weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

Ben Carson To Operate On Himself

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – In what experts are calling a ground-breaking new surgical technique, Dr. Ben Carson will perform surgery on his own brain late next month, before the primary season begins.

An aide to the GOP frontrunner told Fox News this morning that the retired neurosurgeon and acclaimed Egyptologist will be operating on parts of his prefrontal cortex and temporal lobes in an attempt to recover memories of key events in his youth.

“Dr. Carson has led the way in experimental brain surgery throughout his career,” said the aide. “If successful, this surgery should allow him to remember the names and dates of every assault and attempted murder he committed while he was growing up. It should also allow Dr. Carson to remember just who it was that offered him a full scholarship to West Point.”

According to the aide, the delicate procedure will be carried out in a room filled with smoke and mirrors, much like his campaign for president.

Although the operation has never attempted before, Carson believes that if successful, it could provide hope for other adults who are unable to remember everyone they attacked and/or murdered in their youth.

The aide said that Carson also hopes that the surgery will boost his IQ, thus allowing him to understand complicated subjects such as civics, history, science, and the concept of vetting political candidates.

Obama Destroys Country…Again

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – President Obama destroyed the country again today by rejecting the Keystone Pipeline, a project that has been compared to some of the great engineering projects ever undertaken by human beings.

The President cited concerns regarding the climate as the reason he decided to kill the project and destroy what was left of the United States.

“America’s now a global leader when it comes to taking serious action to fight climate change,” Obama told reporters, standing in the Roosevelt Room beside Vice President Biden and Secretary of State John F. Kerry. “And frankly, approving this project would have undercut that global leadership. And that’s the biggest risk we face, not acting.”

He said now was the time to act to “protect the one planet we’ve got while we still can.”

While environmentalists and anyone possessed of any intelligence at all applauded the President’s decision, GOP politicians and presidential candidates criticized the move.

“The Keystone Pipeline would have made us energy independent for more than a week, and would have provided at least three dozen permanent jobs for Americans who are suffering because of the flood of illegal Central American children stealing their income and spreading disease across our country,” said the borderline insane Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR).

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Dr. Ben Carson told CNN that there was a silver lining to Obama’s decision, because it would hasten the arrival of the End Times and the fiery destruction of the earth.

“This is another victory for the international conspiracy of climate change scientists who are bent on worldwide Marxist revolution,” said Senator James Inhofe (R-OK), who’s been fighting Alzheimer’s disease for over five years now.

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump told Fox News that he wasn’t worried about the decision, because the first day of his term he plans on building the “biggest, best, most beautiful pipeline ever made by man” to transport the dirtiest, filthiest, most environmentally destructive oil known to man down from Canada to the U.S. Gulf Coast.

Perhaps the most bizarre response to the President’s decision came from Dr. Ben Carson, currently in a dead heat with Trump for the Republican nomination.

Dr. Carson told CNN that he felt confident that although Obama, whom he referred to as the “Antichrist,” had rejected the pipeline and thus insured a second Great Depression, God would provide oil to America if he was elected.

“When I’m elected president I plan on building a series of giant pyramids across the country that can store oil that can be used in case of emergencies such as the Rapture or End Times,” whispered the unbalanced former neurosurgeon. “God takes care of those who take care of themselves.”

Obama’s rejection of the pipeline marks the fifth time this year he has destroyed the country. Experts state that in all he has destroyed the country at least 32 times since taking office.