Monthly Archives: January 2016

El Chapo Surrenders In Time For The Iowa Caucuses

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MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – Mexican authorities are reporting that drug lord and escape artist extraordinaire “El Chapo” has turned himself in to police in order to move to the United States in time for a run for the GOP nomination.

President Enrique Pena Nieto announced the news via Twitter on Friday, six months after the kingpin brazenly broke out of a high security prison through a tunnel.

Guzman, the head of the infamous Sinaloa Cartel who Pena Nieto first caught in 2014, was taken into custody in the drug baron’s native state of Sinaloa, a government security source said.

“Mission accomplished: We have him,” Pena Nieto said on his Twitter account. “I want to inform all Mexicans that Joaquin Guzman Loera will soon be leaving Mexico and will become the Yankees’ problem.”

Once featured in the Forbes list of billionaires, Guzman is one of the world’s top crime bosses, whose Sinaloa Cartel has smuggled billions of dollars worth of cocaine, marijuana and methamphetamines into the United States and fought vicious turf wars with other Mexican gangs.

Political pundits consider Guzman the only candidate who could match Donald Trump’s viciousness, bigotry, and deep pockets and give him a real run for his money for the GOP nomination.

“We really look forward to “El Chapo” joining the race,” said Reince Priebus, the once-powerful head of the RNC.

“Things were looking pretty grim for the GOP for a while, what with a bigoted casino owner and Satan incarnate the only serious contenders for the nomination. I think Guzman will provide a progressive alternative that establishment Republicans can rally around. The future is still bright for the party of Lincoln!”

Islamic Gunman Who Pledged Allegiance To Islamic State And Shot Cop In The Name Of Islam To Promote Islamic Sharia Has Nothing To Do With Islam, Says Fucking Idiot

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PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – Officials say the Muslim suspect in custody for the shooting that seriously injured a Philadelphia police officer has confessed to the crime, saying he did it ‘in the name of Islam,’ because police officers enforce laws that are contrary to his faith, which is of course fucking Islam.

Commissioner Richard Ross provided that update during a news conference on Friday afternoon. He said there was no indication from the suspect, 30-year-old Edward Archer of Yeadon, that he was involved in a conspiracy, other than the same one which drives Muslim fanatics to chop off heads, blow things up, and slaughter innocents around the world on a daily basis.

Archer had pledged his allegiance to ISIS, officials say, which is weird, since the shooting supposedly had nothing to do with Islam at all.  Ross called the shooting “just your run of the mill attempted assassination of a police officer.”

At the news conference, brain-damaged Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said the shooting had nothing to do with “being a Muslim or the Islamic faith.”

“Last night’s shooting had nothing to do with any faith,” said the mentally deficient mayor.

“It was a violent assault by a criminal who just happened to be Muslim, pledged allegiance to the Islamic State, is proud to be a jihadi, and wants to institute Sharia Law across the entire globe on penalty of death.

“I repeat, this has nothing to do with Islam. I urge all Philadelphians to stand together, preferably somewhere out of the line of fire.”

When reached for comment on the mayor’s statement noted atheist intellectual and critic of Islam Sam Harris remarked, “There’s just no cure for stupid.”

Ben Carson Hires Cadaver Dogs To Search For His Campaign

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Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson makes a face during a speech at the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials (NALEO) convention in Las Vegas, Nevada June 17, 2015. REUTERS/Steve Marcus - RTX1GZ5C

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Armstrong Williams, Ben Carson’s “business manager,” friend, and likely the only person on his campaign staff by the end of the week, told CNN today that the former neurosurgeon was bringing in cadaver dogs to search for his once relevant campaign.

“Dr. Carson is puzzled over what’s happened to his front-runner status,” said Williams. “Ben feels, as do I, that it’s time to take drastic action and pull out all the stops to try to figure out what went wrong and regain momentum.”

The dogs are being recruited from a variety of law enforcement entities across the United States and specialize in detecting dumb ideas, archaic ideals, religious bullshit, and utter lunacy.

Williams said that with any luck the canines will be able to track down the campaign and restore its former luster.

“We think the campaign, and Dr. Carson’s reputation, may be hiding somewhere between Joseph’s Discount Grain Pyramid and a Popeye’s chicken organization somewhere in downtown Baltimore. Wherever it is, we’ll be sure to find it!”

 

Families Of Oregon Militiamen Glad They Are Away From Home For A Few Days

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PORTLAND – (CT&P) – The families of the militiamen who have seized control of Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon are telling CNN that they are relieved to have them out of the house for a while.

When interviewed by Wolf Blitzer on his show, The Situation Room, the wives and children of the motley crew of misfits, conspiracy theorists, and Christian terrorists told Blitzer that they were glad that for at least the time being the miscreants were someone else’s problem.

The mentally deficient wingnuts, who have started calling themselves the Citizens for Constitutional Freedom, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean, have told anyone willing to listen that they are “in it for the long haul,” and “came well prepared.”

“I certainly hope the son of a bitch is in it for the long haul,” said Wanda Scrotum, wife of Corporal Rodent Scrotum of the Dysentery Springs Chapter of the Texas Minuteman Militia. “All he does all day is watch Fox News and throw beer cans at the TV when Obama is on. He’s worthless. The only time he ever perks up is when his government check is due in the mail.”

Bertha Bundy, wife of ringleader Ammon Bundy, said, “Ammon has a lot of big guns and a very small penis. Do you know what it’s like to be married to a microdick? I shouldn’t have waited til we got married. It was the worst mistake of my miserable life. I hope he freezes to death in that hell hole.”

The militiamen have made only vague claims about what they are trying to achieve by the occupation, and as of yet the federal government has taken no action to force them out.

FBI Director James Comey told the Washington Post that although he was being encouraged by the families of the men to napalm the building and “do the world a favor,” he didn’t want another Waco on his hands.

“These idiots either grew up under power lines or have a great deal of lead paint in their diet,” said Comey.

“You don’t put a dog down merely because it’s a dumb ass. I think we’ll just cut off the water and electricity to the building and see how long the tough guys want to stay there without any Budweiser.

“I’m sure once they figure out that no one really gives a shit about their insane ideas they’ll surrender peacefully.”

Danny Kanell To Change Name

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BRISTOL – (CT&P) – Danny Kanell told ESPN viewers this evening that next week he would be legally changing his name to Giant Bipedal Penis, or ‘Dickhead’ for short.

“I’ve come to the conclusion that my name should match the way I look and act,” said an emotional Kanell, “and I think ‘Dickhead’ suits me perfectly.”

The insecure former quarterback from FSU has worked for ESPN as an analyst for several years, where he consistently picks the wrong teams to win and expresses his contempt for the SEC or any teams not led by Danny Kanell.

Kanell got the job after a lackluster career  in the NFL where he threw 31 touchdowns, 34 interceptions, and had a quarterback rating of 63.2.

The new ‘Mr. Penis’ also had a rather sad stint in the arena football league before finally coming to the conclusion that he just did not have what it takes to play football professionally.

Kirk Herbstreit, a person who actually knows what the fuck he is talking about, told Sports Illustrated that it was high time Kanell came to terms with his own impotence and vacuousness.

“I think this is a good move for Danny,” said Herbstreit. “He really needs to embrace just how much he sucks. I think it’ll make him a better colleague and person as well.”