Author Archives: jerrydickerson8

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Announces Plans To Carpet Bomb Flint

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LANSING – (CT&P) – Michigan Governor Rick Snyder (R) announced today that he is ordering the Michigan Air National Guard to carpet bomb Flint “until the entire fucking city is flattened.”

A spokesman for the governor told CNN that Snyder was “sick and fucking tired” of Flint residents bellyaching about lead in their water, the outbreak of Legionaires’ disease ravaging the city, and the guillotining of citizens who commit misdemeanors within the city limits.

“If these people don’t like the way Governor Snyder is running things in Flint, then they can just die along with all the rest of his Democrat opponents,” said Maximilien Robespierre, Snyder’s chief of staff.

“All these folks do is whine about representative government and clean drinking water,” said Robespierre, as wiped blood from corner of his mouth. “They should be glad they live in a state that’s run by a right-wing Christian governor like Rick. There’s plenty of places on earth where people are forced to drink their own urine because there’s no water at all. If you ask me the residents of Flint have it made.”

Snyder, considered by many to be the Antichrist, was once an up and coming star of the Republican Party until he began poisoning the children of Michigan with lead and other heavy metals.

“Poisoning kids is where we have to draw the line,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “I mean if they were all black or Hispanic that would one thing, but Snyder ruined the lives of a bunch of white kids as well, and we can’t abide that.”

According to the governor’s office the bombing is set to begin on Sunday morning in honor of Jesus, because Snyder claims to rule by divine right. As an act of kindness pamphlets warning of the city’s impending doom will be dropped on Flint Saturday along with canisters of mustard gas which is intended to drive as many residents out of the city as possible before the bombing begins.

“It should be quite a show,” said a gleeful Robespierre.

 

El Chapo Surrenders In Time For The Iowa Caucuses

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MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – Mexican authorities are reporting that drug lord and escape artist extraordinaire “El Chapo” has turned himself in to police in order to move to the United States in time for a run for the GOP nomination.

President Enrique Pena Nieto announced the news via Twitter on Friday, six months after the kingpin brazenly broke out of a high security prison through a tunnel.

Guzman, the head of the infamous Sinaloa Cartel who Pena Nieto first caught in 2014, was taken into custody in the drug baron’s native state of Sinaloa, a government security source said.

“Mission accomplished: We have him,” Pena Nieto said on his Twitter account. “I want to inform all Mexicans that Joaquin Guzman Loera will soon be leaving Mexico and will become the Yankees’ problem.”

Once featured in the Forbes list of billionaires, Guzman is one of the world’s top crime bosses, whose Sinaloa Cartel has smuggled billions of dollars worth of cocaine, marijuana and methamphetamines into the United States and fought vicious turf wars with other Mexican gangs.

Political pundits consider Guzman the only candidate who could match Donald Trump’s viciousness, bigotry, and deep pockets and give him a real run for his money for the GOP nomination.

“We really look forward to “El Chapo” joining the race,” said Reince Priebus, the once-powerful head of the RNC.

“Things were looking pretty grim for the GOP for a while, what with a bigoted casino owner and Satan incarnate the only serious contenders for the nomination. I think Guzman will provide a progressive alternative that establishment Republicans can rally around. The future is still bright for the party of Lincoln!”

Islamic Gunman Who Pledged Allegiance To Islamic State And Shot Cop In The Name Of Islam To Promote Islamic Sharia Has Nothing To Do With Islam, Says Fucking Idiot

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PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – Officials say the Muslim suspect in custody for the shooting that seriously injured a Philadelphia police officer has confessed to the crime, saying he did it ‘in the name of Islam,’ because police officers enforce laws that are contrary to his faith, which is of course fucking Islam.

Commissioner Richard Ross provided that update during a news conference on Friday afternoon. He said there was no indication from the suspect, 30-year-old Edward Archer of Yeadon, that he was involved in a conspiracy, other than the same one which drives Muslim fanatics to chop off heads, blow things up, and slaughter innocents around the world on a daily basis.

Archer had pledged his allegiance to ISIS, officials say, which is weird, since the shooting supposedly had nothing to do with Islam at all.  Ross called the shooting “just your run of the mill attempted assassination of a police officer.”

At the news conference, brain-damaged Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said the shooting had nothing to do with “being a Muslim or the Islamic faith.”

“Last night’s shooting had nothing to do with any faith,” said the mentally deficient mayor.

“It was a violent assault by a criminal who just happened to be Muslim, pledged allegiance to the Islamic State, is proud to be a jihadi, and wants to institute Sharia Law across the entire globe on penalty of death.

“I repeat, this has nothing to do with Islam. I urge all Philadelphians to stand together, preferably somewhere out of the line of fire.”

When reached for comment on the mayor’s statement noted atheist intellectual and critic of Islam Sam Harris remarked, “There’s just no cure for stupid.”

Ben Carson Hires Cadaver Dogs To Search For His Campaign

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Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson makes a face during a speech at the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials (NALEO) convention in Las Vegas, Nevada June 17, 2015. REUTERS/Steve Marcus - RTX1GZ5C

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Armstrong Williams, Ben Carson’s “business manager,” friend, and likely the only person on his campaign staff by the end of the week, told CNN today that the former neurosurgeon was bringing in cadaver dogs to search for his once relevant campaign.

“Dr. Carson is puzzled over what’s happened to his front-runner status,” said Williams. “Ben feels, as do I, that it’s time to take drastic action and pull out all the stops to try to figure out what went wrong and regain momentum.”

The dogs are being recruited from a variety of law enforcement entities across the United States and specialize in detecting dumb ideas, archaic ideals, religious bullshit, and utter lunacy.

Williams said that with any luck the canines will be able to track down the campaign and restore its former luster.

“We think the campaign, and Dr. Carson’s reputation, may be hiding somewhere between Joseph’s Discount Grain Pyramid and a Popeye’s chicken organization somewhere in downtown Baltimore. Wherever it is, we’ll be sure to find it!”

 

Families Of Oregon Militiamen Glad They Are Away From Home For A Few Days

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PORTLAND – (CT&P) – The families of the militiamen who have seized control of Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon are telling CNN that they are relieved to have them out of the house for a while.

When interviewed by Wolf Blitzer on his show, The Situation Room, the wives and children of the motley crew of misfits, conspiracy theorists, and Christian terrorists told Blitzer that they were glad that for at least the time being the miscreants were someone else’s problem.

The mentally deficient wingnuts, who have started calling themselves the Citizens for Constitutional Freedom, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean, have told anyone willing to listen that they are “in it for the long haul,” and “came well prepared.”

“I certainly hope the son of a bitch is in it for the long haul,” said Wanda Scrotum, wife of Corporal Rodent Scrotum of the Dysentery Springs Chapter of the Texas Minuteman Militia. “All he does all day is watch Fox News and throw beer cans at the TV when Obama is on. He’s worthless. The only time he ever perks up is when his government check is due in the mail.”

Bertha Bundy, wife of ringleader Ammon Bundy, said, “Ammon has a lot of big guns and a very small penis. Do you know what it’s like to be married to a microdick? I shouldn’t have waited til we got married. It was the worst mistake of my miserable life. I hope he freezes to death in that hell hole.”

The militiamen have made only vague claims about what they are trying to achieve by the occupation, and as of yet the federal government has taken no action to force them out.

FBI Director James Comey told the Washington Post that although he was being encouraged by the families of the men to napalm the building and “do the world a favor,” he didn’t want another Waco on his hands.

“These idiots either grew up under power lines or have a great deal of lead paint in their diet,” said Comey.

“You don’t put a dog down merely because it’s a dumb ass. I think we’ll just cut off the water and electricity to the building and see how long the tough guys want to stay there without any Budweiser.

“I’m sure once they figure out that no one really gives a shit about their insane ideas they’ll surrender peacefully.”

Danny Kanell To Change Name

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BRISTOL – (CT&P) – Danny Kanell told ESPN viewers this evening that next week he would be legally changing his name to Giant Bipedal Penis, or ‘Dickhead’ for short.

“I’ve come to the conclusion that my name should match the way I look and act,” said an emotional Kanell, “and I think ‘Dickhead’ suits me perfectly.”

The insecure former quarterback from FSU has worked for ESPN as an analyst for several years, where he consistently picks the wrong teams to win and expresses his contempt for the SEC or any teams not led by Danny Kanell.

Kanell got the job after a lackluster career  in the NFL where he threw 31 touchdowns, 34 interceptions, and had a quarterback rating of 63.2.

The new ‘Mr. Penis’ also had a rather sad stint in the arena football league before finally coming to the conclusion that he just did not have what it takes to play football professionally.

Kirk Herbstreit, a person who actually knows what the fuck he is talking about, told Sports Illustrated that it was high time Kanell came to terms with his own impotence and vacuousness.

“I think this is a good move for Danny,” said Herbstreit. “He really needs to embrace just how much he sucks. I think it’ll make him a better colleague and person as well.”

 

Cruz Decries Unauthorized Use Of Monkeys

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate Ted Cruz has vociferously protested the unauthorized use of his two little monkeys in a cartoon published in the Washington Post this week.

Cruz hammered the Post on Wednesday for publishing an online editorial cartoon depicting his spawn as dancing monkeys, telling a crowd in Tulsa that the attack “has no place in politics.”

“Not too much ticks me off, but using my two little monkeys without my permission, that’ll do it,” Cruz said in response to the cartoon, which has since been taken down.

“They’re my monkeys, and I get to decide when to use them,” said Cruz, as saliva dribbled from one side of his mouth.

“It’s perfectly OK if I use them as pawns in political ads to degrade an opposing candidate, depicting Hillary Clinton as the Grinch for example, but I’ll be damned if the Washington Post can use them to criticize me. It’s just not the Christian thing to do. After all, they’re just kids and have no idea what’s going on, and if they’re going to be taken advantage of, it should be by their power hungry Dad.”

As noted the Post took down the cartoon and has since apologized to Cruz.

Cruz told editorial page editor Fred Hiatt that next time he wanted to use the monkeys in a cartoon he could contact his campaign and an appropriate fee could be worked out.

Fellow senator and presidential candidate Marco Rubio told CNN that the real story here was not that Cruz or the Post had used the little monkeys for political gain, but that at some point in time Ted had actually found a female monkey willing to have sex with him.

“Must have been one desperate monkey,” said Rubio.

 

Weather Channel Warns Tornadoes Are More Dangerous At Night When You Can’t Fucking See Them

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is warning its viewers that after the sun goes down it gets dark and that makes severe storms, especially tornadoes, much more dangerous because you can’t see them coming. The warning came as a tornado outbreak began early this afternoon in portions of the south and mid-west.

Weather Channel severe weather expert Dr. Greg Forbes took pains to explain to viewers that as afternoon draws on, the sun sinks lower and lower on the horizon and eventually sets, which results in it getting dark, making it much more difficult to see anything, even a hand in front of your face.

Dr. Forbes said that in the dark people have trouble seeing things approaching them, even things that sound like a fucking freight train plowing straight through their homes.

Dr. Forbes said that this can be problematic if one lives in a trailer, flimsy prefab housing, a tent, or a cardboard box. He warned that anyone living under such conditions should find a neighbor who is not voting for Trump as it will be more likely that they will have a solidly built home better able to sustain high winds and hail without threat to life and limb.

During the broadcast Dr. Forbes managed to break a world record by mentioning the term “debris ball” over a dozen times in one sentence.

Weather Channel experts said that when the sun comes up again in the morning most people will be able to see again and the threat of being swept up into a funnel cloud never to be seen again will decrease.

 

CBO Warns Of Increased Deficits If Trump Elected

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Congressional Budget Office released a statement this morning which warned that there would be grave economic consequences if Donald Trump gains the White House.

The report detailed the tremendous expense of building and maintaining the huge number of concentration camps necessary to house and slaughter the millions of Hispanics, Muslims, homosexuals, journalists, opposition politicians, and intellectuals that Trump has promised to silence were he elected.

“Sure, we would get some reward out of the forced labor that would be made available as these people slowly starve to death, but the costs far outweigh the benefits,” said Keith Hall, director of the CBO. “We did extensive computer modeling of the problem, and even if we reduced the food intake of the prisoners to around 600 calories per day, we would still be in the red. It’s expensive business killing all these folks.”

Donald Trump reacted to the report in a series of Tweets today calling the CBO’s analysis a “load of crap.”

“The CBO has no idea what it’s talking about,” said the presidential hopeful. “I’ll build the biggest, most beautiful concentration camps the world has ever seen. The Nazis ain’t got nothing on Trump. And, I’ll tell you something else, when I’m elected I’ll do away with the CBO and put its employees behind barbed wire where they belong.”

When opposing GOP candidates pointed out that Trump’s popularity would fall once he ran low on victims, Trump pointed out that there was an unlimited supply.

“Once we do away with all the Mexicans and Muslims, we can start working on the Catholics, Jews, and poor people,” said Trump. “There’s always another scapegoat waiting in the wings.”

 

 

Hillary Proposes Federal Night Light Program For Pussified Americans

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SCAREDYCAT, IOWA – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa this morning, Hillary Clinton unveiled her plans for a new federal program that would provide night lights for cowardly Americans who are terrified that they may become victims of Islamic terror.

The program would distribute night lights to families who could not otherwise afford them. It would also provide adult diapers to those who soil themselves at the mere mention of anything Islamic.

“I know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night only to realize that there are strange people in weird outfits wandering around your bedroom,” said Clinton.

“I hope this program will boost the courage of the millions of Americans who seem to have the backbone of a jellyfish. After all, you’re more likely to be eaten alive by a horde of rabid rodents than be a victim of terrorists.”

The proposal was universally condemned by GOP candidates who said that it was just another liberal handout designed to make Americans dependent on government.

Republican senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz called the proposal a typical Democrat move to try to turn night into day.

“We need to concentrate on turning black and brown into white instead,” said Cruz, as he stole candy from a small child.

Clinton promised that during her first month in office she would do everything she possibly could to bolster the self-esteem and courage of the pussies who seem to make up such a large part of the American electorate.