Author Archives: jerrydickerson8

Progressive Texas Politicians Vote To Give Black Folks Their Very Own Community Swimming Pools

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pond1

AUSTIN – (CT&P) – In a move sure to draw fire from the libertarian wing of the Republican Party, a group of Texas state representatives has voted to provide black people with their very own community swimming pools. The group, who call themselves “Compassionate Cretins,” are backed by support from Senator and presidential pretender Ted Cruz  and U.S. House Representative and accomplished idiot Louie Gohmert, both from the once sane state of Texas.

The bill, dubbed the “Equal Swimming Rights for Black Folks Bill of 2015,” would provide “separate but equal” swimming pools for Texas’ approximately 3 1/2 million black residents.

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Proponents of the controversial bill emphasize that the swimming pools reserved for use by black folks will be top quality and will be provided with shady areas where visitors can relax and cool off.

“We just want to relieve tensions between the races and provide safe swimming areas for our minorities here in Texas,” said Billy Bob McSnoot from Steaming Turd Springs. “Besides, the Bible says we ought not be mixing different races while submerged in various liquids, and I think everyone can agree the water is a liquid most of the time.”

U.S. House Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX), a strong supporter of the bill, told CNN that the program would be “a real money saver” because there would be fewer calls to 911 by bigoted assholes concerned that black kids were polluting their pristine community swimming pools.

“Everyone knows that most black people are socialist Muslims, just like our president,” said Gohmert, “they spread disease and steal things. It costs us a fortune to send cops out to kill them all the time, so we figured if we isolated them in their own special swimming areas, we could save a ton of money and heartache.”

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Senator Cruz said he looked forward to the day when secular humanists and other subhumans would have their very own special places to go enjoy outdoor activities.

“Plus, it’ll give our police officers more time to do what they’re really good at: murdering homeowner’s dogs,” concluded Gohmert.

Wacked out religious kook Ted Cruz agreed, saying “I have no doubt that this bill will grow jobs in and around Texas. If we can make this work, I think the novel idea of ‘separate but equal’ swimming pools will sweep across the Bible Belt. I envision a whole series of different swimming areas reserved specifically for the use of liberals, atheists, Muslims, and other unsaved trash around the southeast. We could call it the ‘Casebolt-Slager Swimming Trail.'”

The bill has received enthusiastic grassroots support from the Texas chapter of the Tea Party and several other medieval political associations. The bill is expected to pass easily through the Republican dominated Texas state house and be signed by Texas’ paranoid conspiracy theorist governor Greg Abbott sometime next week.

 

‘Extinct’ Species Spotted At Dallas Pool Party

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poolparty1

The gigantic beast roamed through the crowd of teenagers unmolested as arriving cops concentrated instead on violating the black kids’ civil rights, as is their habit.

 

DALLAS – (CT&P) – A call to police about a giant creature lumbering through a party at a community pool thrust the affluent suburb of McKinney into the national spotlight on race, police relations, and paleobiology on Sunday.

Police Cpl. Eric Casebolt was placed on administrative leave after a video surfaced showing him pulling a 15-year-old girl to the ground and pinning her down outside a pool party Friday night in the expansive Craig Ranch subdivision. Seconds later, he pulled his gun and pointed it at two teens who appear to try to come to her aid.

The profanity-laced seven-minute video, posted to YouTube on Saturday, had been viewed more than 4 million times by Monday. It shows white police officers trying to control black teens who had scattered as officers arrived in the neighborhood.

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The horrifying creature was even allowed to start a mating ritual with one teenager by rubbing his scrotum against the back of her head.

Cops were originally called to the area when neighborhood watch members saw what they described as “a lumbering behemoth” moving among teens attending a Sunday afternoon party.

“The kids were terrified,” said Ralph Numbnuts, resident and community leader of Flat Earth Estates, where the incident took place. “We considered breaking out our RPG’s, flamethrowers, and automatic weapons, but we decided to leave it to the cops because we thought they might be able to stun the beast and take it alive. So we used our public address system to warn folks that the police were on their way so that everyone could put up their dogs and keep them out of danger.

“But to our amazement when the swine arrived on the scene they virtually ignored the enormous monster and instead went after every black kid in sight. It was like showing red to an angry bull!”

Numbnuts told reporters later that he had read a study on the internet that something in cops’ DNA caused them to lose all higher brain function when confronted with dogs or black people, and became murderous automatons incapable of human emotion.

“But I thought it was all bullshit,” said Numbnuts. “Now I know better.”

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The Megatherium was thought to go extinct at the end of the Pleistocene, and unconfirmed reports of gigantic fat-ass creatures lumbering through Walmart and Dollar Stores around the country have up until now thought to be baseless rumors.

Eventually over ten police units were called to the scene in an attempt to violate the civil rights of every black teenager in the area, but even with that many cops around, the colossus was able to escape and his whereabouts are unknown.

Paleontologists have been able to identify the huge creature as a Megatherium, or giant ground sloth.

“It was a giant, fat-ass sloth the size of a fucking elephant that was thought to go extinct at the end of the Pleistocene,” said David Grimaldi of Cornell. “It’s flat-out amazing that one is now wandering around the suburbs of a major city. I just can’t believe it.”

McKinney Mayor Brian Loughmiller said that he expects city staff and police officials to quickly conduct an investigation into the officer’s actions.

“I am disturbed and concerned by the incident and actions depicted in the video,” Loughmiller said in a written statement. “Our expectation as a City Council is that our police department and other departments will act professionally and with appropriate restraint relative to the situation they are faced with. For these idiots to completely ignore a gigantic fat-ass monster and instead go after young people in bathing suits is really deplorable.”

McKinney Police Chief Greg Conley, who declined to say what specific behavior in the video led to the investigation, said Sunday that several officers were immediately placed on leave.

 

 

American Pharoah Accused Of Racing On Underinflated Hooves

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pharoh

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Less than 24 hours after American Pharoah won the Belmont Stakes, accusations have arisen from competing stables that he ran the race on underinflated hooves.

The victory at Belmont made the thoroughbred the first odd-toed ungulate to win the Triple Crown, the greatest achievement in horse racing, since 1978.

Pharoah ended the longest Crown drought by sweeping the sport’s top three races, becoming only the 12th horse ever to do so.

American Pharoah, ridden by jockey Victor Espinoza, beat a tough field of seven other thoroughbreds by 5 1/2 lengths.

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An outraged Mubtaahij spoke with reporters after the race but no one could tell what the fuck he was saying because he insisted on speaking in Arabic. He did however end his diatribe by screaming “Death to America” in broken English.

Espinoza guided the three-year-old colt to the rail at the start, taking the lead in the first quarter. Trailing American Pharoah for most of the race was Materiality, before Mubtaahij and Frosted made plays for second. But no one could overtake the lightning fast Pharoah.

Espinoza, the intrepid jockey who piloted Pharoah to victory, secured his spot in history by yelling “Holy Shit!” shortly after he crossed the finish line.

But today ugly rumors have surfaced concerning the thoroughbred’s propensity to underinflate his hooves prior to race time.

Competitors Frosted, Keen Ice, and Mubtaahij told reporters from Ungulate Weekly that Pharoah has been cheating all season long, and complaints to racing officials have fallen on deaf ears.

“That bastard runs every damn race with underinflated hooves, and we believe it gives him an unfair advantage,” said Frosted.

“That’s right,” said Keen Ice. “That pompous ass pretty boy has a special trainer he calls his ‘Deflater’ who tampers with his hooves prior to every race. It’s cheating and it’s damn disgraceful!”

Mubtaahij then went on a 15 minute diatribe about the situation but most of it was unintelligible because he was speaking in Arabic.

Racing officials have promised to look into the allegations raised by Pharoah’s competitors but no one believes that anything serious will happen.

“We’re probably talking about some fines and maybe some minor reprimands here,” said Racing Commissioner Roger Equus. “I don’t think Pharoah’s Triple Crown victory will be overturned.”

DuggarMingle.com To Launch This Summer

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LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – TLC has announced in a press release this morning that they are sponsoring a new website, DuggarMingle.com. The dating site will be up and running sometime this summer and is designed to help Duggar singles find other Duggars for friendship, romance, pedophilia, or Bible study.

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Jim Bob Billy Joe Frankie Ray Bosyphilis Duggar, the family patriarch and instigator of all this religious nonsense told reporters that he was delighted that cousins, aunts, uncles, and other members of the extended family would now be able to log on and find perverts and pedophiles they could hook up with. “After all, spice is nice but incest is best,” said Duggar.

“We thought a dating site would help Duggars find other family members who had the same interests in incest, pedophilia, and weird Bible verses so they could get together and ‘be fruitful and multiply,'” said Ezekiel Koresh, TLC’s Vice President of Depraved Christian Cults.

 

“It should also help to keep some of these perverted liaisons below the radar so we can continue to rake in the cash from this group of freaks. The last thing we need now is another scandal,” said Koresh.

Jim Bob Billy Joe “Randy” Duggar, family patriarch and misguided religious freak, told TLC that he thought the website was a “great idea.”

 

“When your moral code is based on a text that was written before man knew any better than to keep feces out of his water supply, you’re going to have some reprobates and deviants crop up in the dozens of spawn you produce,” said Duggar. “It’s inevitable. I just hope we can keep the genetic mutations and incidence of congenital disorders down to a manageable level.”

TLC hopes that the site will be up and running before the popular Fourth of July Pro Life Family Coitus Festival held each year in Wandering Schlong, Arkansas. Former governor and presidential candidate Mike Huckabee will be the keynote speaker at the event.

ISIS Refuses To Serve Water To Customers; Cites Religious Freedom Restoration Act

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BAGHDAD – (CT&P) – Islamic State militants have curtailed the amount of water flowing to government-held areas in Iraq’s western Anbar province, an official said Thursday, the latest in the vicious war as Iraqi forces struggle to claw back ground held by the extremists in the Sunni heartland.

It’s not the first time that water has been used as a weapon of war in Mideast conflicts and in Iraq in particular. Earlier this year, the Islamic State group reduced the flow through another lock outside the militant-held town of Fallujah, also in Anbar province. But the extremists soon reopened it after criticism from the media and threats of boycotts on the Islamic State from more progressive terrorists and business leaders in surrounding provinces.

The reduced flow of water through the militant-held dam on the Euphrates River will threaten irrigation systems and water treatment plants in nearby areas controlled by troops and tribes opposed to the extremist group, provincial council member Taha Abdul-Ghani told the Associated Press.

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Butthollah told reporters that it didn’t matter if it was water, pizza, or a fucking wedding cake, none of his employees would be serving anything to anyone who did not agree with his crazy ass religious beliefs.

Abdul-Ghani said there would be no immediate effect on Shiite areas in central and southern Iraq, saying water is being diverted to those areas from the Tigris River.

The United Nations had said on Wednesday that it was looking into reports that ISIS had reduced the flow of water through the al-Warar dam.

ISIS CEO Abu Bakr al-Butthollah told reporters from Al Jazeera that the actions were perfectly justified under the Islamic State’s new “Religious Freedom Restoration Act, enacted last December.

“We got the idea from Indiana and other misguided, backwards-ass states located in the Great Satan,” said Butthollah. “We have to protect our employees’ deeply held religious beliefs. Our supreme court already upheld the law with its landmark decision in Unexploded Ordnance Lobby v Omar last month.

“There’s just no way that we’re going to force any of our employees to serve water to infidels with alternative lifestyles, and I think Allah would be proud of the stand we’re taking for bigoted assholes all over the globe.”

United Nations officials have reacted with dismay to the policy, as it has to the ridiculous attempts to make homosexuals second-class citizens within the U.S.

“The use of water as a tool of war is to be condemned in no uncertain terms,” the spokesman for the UN secretary-general, Stephane Dujarric, told reporters. “It is just a damn shame that these throwbacks from the Middle Ages still exist in state governments around America and in the Middle East as well. These kinds of reports are disturbing, to say the least.”

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta

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rickperry99

ADDISON, TEXAS – (CT&P) – Rick Perry announced his plans to run for president yesterday in an abandoned airplane hangar normally used to house illegal Mexican slave laborers. Mr. Perry used to the occasion to introduce his campaign theme song, “Kill ‘Em All and Let God Sort ‘Em Out,” a bizarre country western rap tune that Perry hopes will secure his gun-toting, Bible-thumping, knuckle-dragging base of poor white trash.

In his speech, Mr. Perry, 65, sought to separate himself from the Republican pack by casting himself as a leader who has done the work rather than a politician who talks about doing it, pointing to his executions of hundreds of minority prisoners and efforts to stop black folks and poor people from voting in elections.

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It’s good to be a gangsta

He also emphasized that his 14-year tenure as governor of a state with one of the largest populations of lunatics and paranoid conspiracy theorists in the world gave him practical experience in appeasing oppressed masses of idiots without the sense God gave a goat.

“The question of every candidate will be this: When have you led?” Mr. Perry said. “Leadership is not a speech on the Senate floor. It’s not what you say. It’s what you have done. When have my opponents personally kicked-in the teeth of a starving Central American child trying to cross the border for food? When have they shut down Planned Parenthood clinics and forced poor women to travel hours to exercise their constitutional rights? When have they gone out and acted like a complete moron with Fox News personalities?

“I’m telling you right now we ain’t gonna find the kind of leadership needed to revitalize the country by looking to the political class in Washington. That leadership will come from a podunk town in one of the most backwards-ass states in the Union!”

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Good to be a gangsta

But whether Mr. Perry has done enough to repair the damage from his failed run in 2012 and move out of the second tier of candidates remains unclear. Even in Texas, Mr. Perry has lost crucial support to some of his rivals.

Steve Munisteri, a former chairman of the Republican Party of Texas, has been heading Senator Rand Paul’s presidential campaign in Texas. Many of the grass-roots Tea Party lunatic fringe activists in Texas have flocked to unbalanced dingbat Ted Cruz, while some of those in the more mainstream Texas Republican establishment are supporting Mr. Bush, whose son, George P. Bush, is the state’s new land commissioner.

“Perry provides a robust record of abominable accomplishments that no one can rival,” said David M. Carney, a former political consultant to Mr. Perry and a top strategist for his 2012 campaign. “The question remains: Can he garner enough support from kooky right-wing simpletons to make his campaign viable…or has his time passed?”

Mr. Perry is scheduled to visit 29 gun shows around the state of Texas over the weekend before attending an illegal immigrant turkey shoot/fund-raiser down on the border on Monday. Only time will tell if he has a shot at the Republican nomination.

Robby The Robot To Run For Republican Nomination

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robbytherobot

ALTAIR IV – (CT&P) – Minutes after hearing that Rick Perry had jumped in the race for the Republican nomination for president in 2016, Robby the Robot announced he was joining the race as well. At a press conference this morning held outside Dr. Morbius’ home on the “Forbidden Planet,” Robby told reporters that he was joining the approximately three dozen other Republicans in the race for the White House.

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Commander John Adams and his sometime girlfriend Altaira, both Democrats, were shocked and dismayed by Robby’s announcement. “He’s smarter than the rest of those idiots put together and stands a real chance of being elected,” said Adams.

“If that moron Rick Perry can run, then so can a fucking robot,” said Robby. “I possess about 100 times the computing power of Rick Perry’s brain, and have a far deeper grasp of the complicated problems that the earth faces in the 21st century.”

This marks the first time Robby has delved into politics. In the past he’s been content to do menial chores around the cosmic outpost and occasionally fight off “monsters from the Id.”

“My experience battling unseen forces of evil from the depths of the human subconscious makes me uniquely suited to defend America from foreign threats. I plan to set up force fields along the Mexican border that will instantly vaporize any Central American kids that want to invade and steal all of our minimum wage jobs,” said Robby.

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Robby is said to have discussed his political plans with his good friend from the other side of the aisle John Kerry

“Furthermore, I’m going to use my energy weapons to pulverize ISIS and turn Iran into a worthless pile of fused glass. After that, I’ll turn my attention to domestic issues and get on with the process of denying black people the vote and doing away with these silly attempts to provide poor people with affordable health care.

“I’m what America needs! A ruthlessly logical machine that is devoid of empathy and compassion. I hope you’ll consider voting for me. I’ll be available for questions when I arrive on earth in 2.5 light years. Thank you.”

Although Robby is little more than a right-wing pile of circuit breakers and transistors, Republican leaders have said that he stands as good a chance as any to seize the nomination.

“Considering our current lineup of fruitcakes, dunderheads, and religious kooks, anything could happen,” said RNC Chairman Reince “Beavis” Priebus.

 

Confused Man Searches For His Penis Inside Atlanta Airport

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – A disoriented 50-year-old man wearing an AR-15 rifle around his neck entered Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport today and wandered around aimlessly looking in rubbish bins and behind newspaper stands, according to reports from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

When approached by airport security personnel he reportedly said that he was “searching for his penis.”

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Before moving to Atlanta Mr. Cooley was the winner of the Chicagoland Small Penis Competition for three years running

The man, Jim Cooley, lives with his wife and daughter in an abandoned hunting shack located in a wooded area north of Atlanta. He regularly shows up in parks and public buildings around the city and asks passers-by if they have seen his penis and testicles.

Although originally from Chicago, Illinois, Cooley came down south in attempt to get away from people who ridiculed his paranoid fantasies about the federal government coming to take away his guns and sexual organs. Cooley is said to have settled in Georgia because of its borderline-insane firearms laws.

While many passengers were terrified at the gun-carrying man walking freely around the airport, Cooley was breaking no law because the State of Georgia actively encourages mentally unstable residents to arm themselves to the teeth and wander around aimlessly.

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Mr. Cooley lives with his wife Ethyl and their daughter Chloride in an abandoned hunting shack adjacent to a toxic waste dump

“He wasn’t hurting anyone and did not act threatening,” said Edward Dimbulb, a security guard at the airport. “We all kind of felt sorry for the old bastard. I mean it’s a hell of thing to have a dick so small that you can’t find it.”

Sergeant Robert Dogkiller of the Atlanta Police Department told the Journal-Constitution that although it was perfectly fine that Cooley was in the busiest airport in the fucking world with a loaded assault rifle, the APD had to remove Cooley when he stuck his hand down his pants and began weeping in front of a group of schoolchildren in route to North Korea to study civics.

“We southerners don’t want our kids exposed to anything that might lead them to believe that touching their own sexual organs is OK,” said Dogkiller. “If they need to examine something they can examine their Bibles.”

Cooley was removed without incident from the airport and transported to the edge of the woods where he lives. His dark red ’75 pickup was impounded but will be returned to him as soon as he coughs up the $5000 fine for parking in a handicapped zone.

 

 

Pentagon Unloads Old Anthrax Stocks On Unsuspecting Labs

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anthraxcaw

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) -The L.A. Times is reporting that an Army bio-defense facility in Utah may have mistakenly sent live anthrax samples to 51 commercial companies, academic institutions and federal labs without proper safeguards, more than double the total disclosed last week.

The magnitude of the “foul up” came to light during an investigation led by General Buck Turgidson USAF (Ret).

General Turgidson said Wednesday that the facilities are scattered across 17 states and the District of Columbia, as well as in Canada, Australia and Korea, suggesting a systemic lapse in the military’s little-known program to study defenses against biological weapons agents, including anthrax.

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General Turgidson spoke with reporters over the phone from his office at the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Silver Springs, Maryland

The anthrax shipments originated at the Army’s Dugway Proving Ground, a sprawling facility southwest of Salt Lake City where scientists focus on trying to defend the nation from potential biological weapons agents, including anthrax.

“This was apparently part of an exercise called Operation Dropkick,” said Turgidson when interviewed over the phone from his office at the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Silver Springs, Maryland.

“It appears that General Jack D. Ripper, the commander in charge over at Dugway, ordered the samples sent out as way to test our readiness in the event of a terrorist attack,” said Turgidson.

Ripper is the former commander of Burpelson Air Force Base in Nevada, but was transferred to Dugway after he sent an entire wing of B-1 bombers to attack Iran after attending a wild hog hunt and barbecue with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas.

“I hate to judge before all the facts are in,” said Turgidson, “but it looks like General Ripper has exceeded his authority.”

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General Ripper was demoted and transferred to Dugway after he attempted to vaporize Iran on orders from Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas

Meanwhile, officials from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta are scrambling to recover the samples and treat anyone who may have been exposed.

The Pentagon and CDC will brief reporters Wednesday afternoon on the investigation into how and why the potentially deadly organisms were repeatedly shipped without appropriate safeguards, and whether safety systems are adequate at the labs.

“The CDC is concerned with understanding just what the fuck happened here and to make sure affected labs have everything they need to protect their workers,” said Jason McDonald, a CDC spokesman.

General Ripper has been placed under guard and will be transported to an undisclosed location where he is scheduled to be interviewed using “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

He released a brief statement before he was detained by members of the 101st Airborne Division:

“I can no longer sit back and allow Muslim infiltration, Muslim indoctrination, Muslim subversion, and the international Muslim conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

NSA code breakers are currently trying to figure out the meaning of Ripper’s statement.

 

 

 

Cool New Airbag Fires Shrapnel Directly Into Your Fucking Face

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Car Wreck

 

MINATO, JAPAN – (CT&P) – At a press conference today in Tokyo, international airbag manufacturer Takata announced the roll out of its latest airbag, the Facial Blossom Mark II. The bag is intended to replace an earlier model, the Immolator, which was designed to spray napalm into passenger compartments and ignite, engulfing entire American families in flames.

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Ogawa III is the grandson of Ensign Kiyoshi Ogawa, who crashed his plane into the USS Bunker Hill during World War II, killing 600 of her crew.

“We were having real trouble with the Immolator malfunctioning and going off when no one was even in the vehicle,” said Kiyoshi Ogawa III, head of research and development for Takata. “This new design is more dependable and works like a traditional airbag, with the exception that it permanently disfigures anyone riding in the vehicle.”

“In the event of a wreck or fender bender, the air bag instantly inflates to cushion the driver and passengers from impact. Then, a fraction of a second later the mechanism fires rusty screws and bolts directly into the faces of the driver and his or her passengers. It’s a real marvel of modern engineering.”

When asked why he apparently wanted to murder or maim Americans going about their daily routines, Ogawa replied that he was “fed up” with American exceptionalism and the United States’ cozy relationship with the subhuman Chinese that were threatening to take over the entire South China Sea.

 

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Takata issued a press release advising any Americans who had purchased a new vehicle in the last five years wear special anti-shrapnel helmets until the recall could be completed.

“The Divine Wind will sweep across America and its citizens will know once and for all that our beloved Emperor is truly a god,” said Ogawa, as he wrapped a weird bandana around his head and slammed a glass of sake.

Though none of the new airbags have yet been installed, automakers are currently scrambling to locate and replace some one million prototypes and experimental models of the system currently in use in American automobiles.

 

Takata’s new president Shigehisa Takada, grandson of the founder, has apologized to American Ambassador to Japan Caroline Kennedy and has promised that Ogawa will have his head removed with a samurai sword in a ceremony that will take place over the weekend.