Author Archives: jerrydickerson8

Sepp Blatter Threatens To Annex The Sudetenland

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ZURICH – (CT&P) – In response to the arrests of 14 FIFA officials by FBI agents and Swiss police yesterday, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has ordered FIFA armored units to begin massing on the Swiss border with Germany.

At an emergency meeting of the FIFA Party Congress at the Pitchstag this morning, Blatter made a fevered three-hour long speech in which he vehemently denied accusations of corruption within the FIFA leadership and cursed the “Bolshevik provocateurs” who dared to interfere with world soccer’s governing body.

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Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that FIFA troops would no doubt be greeted as conquering heroes in the newly acquired territories

“We will crush the gangster Obama and his toadies within the Swiss government under the heels of our jackboots!” he screamed, amidst roars from the crowd of “GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL!”

“If these subhuman apes don’t like the way we do business we will seize our own territory and provide lebensraum for our own stadiums and practice facilities!” yelled Blatter.

FIFA’s Health and Inhuman Services Minister Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that the planned blitzkrieg will sweep across southern Germany before splitting into two columns and converging in a classic pincer movement inside portions of the Czech Republic.

“We intend to annex enough land to give us room to set up our own facilities and conduct business without interference from the outside world,” said Bimmler.

“However, I would like everyone to know that the Führer, uh, I’m sorry, I mean President Blatter, has assured me that the Sudetenland represents the last territorial claim he has in Europe, so Poland and Russia should not be nervous.”

Meanwhile U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch and FBI Director James Comey have vowed that this is just the beginning of their investigations, and they will not rest until the entire governing body of “FIFA Nazis” are skinned alive.

 

Muhammad Distances Himself From Islamic State

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MECCA – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad appeared today on Al Jazeera’s popular morning show Jihadi and Friends to clarify some of his positions regarding Al-Qaeda and its rival in inhuman savagery the Islamic State. Muhammad assumed the form of a twenty-three pound tabby cat for the interview in order to mask his true form from cartoonists and other artists around the world.

The cat, which had a large “M” on its forehead, told co-host Steve Abdullah Doocalhiri that although he was all in favor of killing infidels, destroying Israel, and throwing homosexuals off tall buildings, he had to draw the line when it came to beheading and immolating fellow Muslims.

“I’m pretty pleased with Al-Qaeda so far,” said the feline prophet, “but I think ISIS is going just a little bit overboard. We have to take into consideration that many of our people are uneducated and just don’t know right from wrong when it comes to Sharia law. We need to adopt a more delicate approach when it comes to genocide.”

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During the interview the Prophet became so irritated with Doocalhiri’s blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance that he began to change form

Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to grasp what the fuck the Prophet was saying, kept nodding his head and asking the cat if all of this was Obama’s fault for offering health care to the poor.

“It has nothing to do with Obama, you moron!” hissed the cat. “You idiots want to blame everything on that son of a bitch! Get your head out of your ass and listen to me for a minute. I’m telling you that we could get a lot more accomplished if we just stopped short of slaughtering every man, woman, and child who gets in our way.”

Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to process what he had heard, then asked the Prophet if he thought Hillary was responsible for the giant Benghazi conspiracy.

At that point the cat prophet jumped down off the chair back he had been perched upon, took a swipe at Doocalhiri’s face, and marched off the set while mumbling something unintelligible in Arabic.

God Vows To Destroy Ireland The First Chance He Gets

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PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – (CT&P) – Sources close to Almighty God told Fox News today that the benevolent creator of the universe will devastate Ireland with a series of droughts, heat waves, earthquakes, tsunamis, and a major zombie outbreak “just as soon as he has the time to do so.”

The sources, who wished to remain anonymous lest the all-loving deity seek vengeance against them, said that God intended to punish Ireland for daring to treat all her citizens equally and allowing homosexuals to get married.

“He’s really pissed off,” said on source, “and he plans on killing hundreds of thousands of Irish men, women, and children indiscriminately and then later on sort out just who voted for marriage equality.”

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Sources told Fox News that gay marriage would destroy America because an all-merciful God would hurl a gigantic scrotum at the geographic center of the continental United States, killing the entire population

The source said that those who voted in favor of the abominable practice will be sent by the compassionate all-powerful divine being to be roasted in the flames of Hell for all of eternity, whereas those who voted “no” will only be placed in Purgatory for several decades until their sins are washed away through the use of a series of hideous but really creative torture schemes.

The sources did not provide a date and time at which the disasters would commence, but they assured Fox News anchor Sean Hannity that the horrific bloodletting would occur well before the “End Times,” which have been eagerly awaited for over 2000 years.

“We’ll just have to wait and see,” said one source. “You know His Lovingness has been really busy lately destroying Nepal, roasting India, and diverting rain from all those sinners in California and dumping it on those idiots in Texas and Oklahoma.”

The source also said that the Supreme Being was fashioning a giant scrotum-shaped asteroid to hurl at the United States if SCOTUS dares to show good sense and compassion and allows marriage equality to become the law of the land.

“As you know the Lord works in mysteriously stupid ways,” said the source.

 

 

Huckabee Misplaces Mind; Encourages Future Presidents To Rule By Divine Right

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HELENA, MONTANA – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop at a nuclear weapons supply depot in northern Montana earlier today, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee temporarily lost his mind.

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The Huckabees in happier times before son David slaughtered the family dog and offered it as a burnt offering to Jehovah.

While being interviewed by Mike Wallace on Fox News Sunday, Huckabee seemed to drift off into his own world and began advocating a return to the “divine right of kings” exercised by monarchs during the Middle Ages.

 

Arguing against marriage equality, Huckabee claims as president he would not be bound by decisions issued by the Supreme Court if they violate commandments issued by the “Supreme Being.”

Former governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee addresses the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Fla., on Wednesday, Aug. 29, 2012. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)

Huckabee has long been in favor of turning America into a theocracy with a religious zealot in charge to enforce the laws of God. Here he is seen practicing his speeches while looking in the mirror just like Hitler and other insane tyrants used to do.

Huckabee, tried to argue that the president of the United States would not have to follow a potential Supreme Court ruling favorable to same-sex marriage because the Supreme Court was not the “Supreme Being.”

“I respect the courts, but the Supreme Court is only that — the supreme of the courts,” said Huckabee. “It is not the supreme being. It cannot overrule God. When it comes to prayer, when it comes to life, and when it comes to the sanctity of marriage, the court cannot change what God has created.”
Huckabee then began humming “What A Friend We Have In Jesus” as his eyes glazed over and saliva dribbled out of the left corner of his mouth.
As Wallace tried to end the ill-fated interview Huckabee became agitated and screamed “God hates fags!” over and over again before he eventually fell over and became unresponsive. He was later removed by aides and transported to a local hospital for evaluation.

European Law Enforcement Experts To Speak At Cop Convention

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CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – Alarmed over public outrage after a series of incidents in which innocent civilians and their canines have been brutally murdered by crazed cops, leaders of the National Fraternal Order of Police have announced that they are bringing in speakers from civilized countries in western Europe to lead seminars at next fall’s FOP convention in Miami.

The seminars will outline basic policing techniques used in countries where police officers do not routinely shoot dogs for no apparent reason, fill 92-year-old grandmothers with lead when they raid the wrong house looking for a joint, shoot fleeing unarmed black men in the back multiple times, or leap atop automobiles and fire 137 rounds into a couple on their way to get supper at McDonald’s.

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Matthews told Sean Hannity not to worry because popular seminars like “How To Kill An Unarmed Nigger and Get Away With It” would still be taught on a regular basis.

“We need to work on our image a little bit,” said Buford “Civil Rights Violation” Matthews, current president of the FOP. “We thought that if we bring these guys in from countries where they don’t just out-and-out murder unarmed suspects, we could play that up and act like we actually give a shit about the people we’re hired to ‘protect and serve.'”

Matthews told Fox News host Sean Hannity that although no officer has ever done anything wrong in the history of law enforcement, public image is what counts, and right now the general public for some insane reason just does not have the confidence it once had in its local police forces.

Hannity agreed, but expressed concern over the FOP bringing in Marxist revolutionaries from communist countries such as Great Britain, Denmark, and Belgium.

“Can we really trust countries that provide health care to poor people?” asked Hannity.

Matthews soothed Hannity’s fears by telling him no one would take the speakers seriously, and popular seminars such as “How To Properly Lead A Fleeing Unarmed Suspect With A Glock,” and “Where Do I Aim To Safely Dispatch A Standard Poodle?” and “How To Properly Insert A Broomstick Into A Suspect’s Anus” would not be discontinued.

“Don’t worry Sean, we have no intention of changing our modus operandi,” said Matthews. “After all, we have to take our sexual frustration out on someone. In today’s modern society with the threat of ISIS showing up in overwhelming numbers all over the United States, it’s just not enough to go home and beat our wives all the time. We have to express our insecurity problems somehow, and once the right-wing gets around to outlawing the filming of cops on duty, well then, we can really get back to using some time-tested methods of brutality!”

Islamic State Leaders Rave Over New Real Estate Acquisitions

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BAGHDAD – (CT&P) – Islamic State Supreme Leader and insane asshole Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told CNN today that the ISIS leadership was “absolutely delighted” with their recent real estate acquisitions and couldn’t wait to get down to some serious looting, pillaging, and wholesale destruction of priceless artifacts.

“We are really happy with our recent purchases in Ramadi and Palmyra,” said al-Baghdadi, who sported a stylish infidel dried ear necklace for the interview. “I just can’t wait to see what our architects and interior designers are going to do with our new properties.”

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Baghdadi told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that his troops were really looking forward to some serious goat fucking in Ramadi’s world-famous brothels.

Omar Abdul-Fattah al-Sphincter, Islamic State Head of Housing and Urban Development, who was also interviewed, said “We’re going to do great things with Palmyra. We just can’t wait to level all those blasphemous infidel ruins and put up tents and shacks to house our troops, and Ramadi, with its world-famous goat brothels, well that was a real bargain!”

Baghdadi told Wolf Blitzer that his troops were really looking forward to some down time after the intense 15 minute battle required to run off Iraqi and Syrian regular army forces, which outnumbered the jihadis ten-to-one.

“My boys have barely had time recently to rape and kill innocent women and children because they’ve been so busy with beheading, throwing homosexuals off buildings, and roasting people alive,” said Baghdadi. “I know they’re really looking forward to fucking some of those sexy goats in Ramadi and relieving some stress by destroying the priceless ancient ruins over in Palmyra.”

Almost every decent person on the planet has been shocked and disgusted by the actions of the Islamic State, and are clamoring for their governments to stop the wholesale destruction and slaughter. However, despite the fact they possess enough firepower to destroy the earth ten times over, Coalition partners and Arab states around the region have not come up with any coherent plan to stop the religious fanatics.

 

 

 

Mr. Anonymous Denies Claims Of Spousal Abuse; Threatens To Kill Everyone

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News host and giant horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly has flatly denied recent claims that he abused his wife and kids by dragging them around by the neck and screaming at them when they disagreed with him. He also denied calling them pinheads, adulterers, bitches, freeloaders, and gold-diggers while holding their heads underwater and yelling “I am the one true God and you shall worship me!”

Earlier this week court documents revealed that O’Reilly (referred to as Mr. Anonymous in the documents) water boarded his wife on a regular basis and used a car battery to deliver electric shocks to his two daughters whenever they disagreed with one of his political or philosophical positions.

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Artist’s rendering of O’Reilly as he sees himself.

“All allegations against me in these circumstances are 100% false,” O’Reilly told Politico on Tuesday. “I have always been 100% correct on everything I have ever done as a husband, father, and person. I am in fact infallible, and perfect in every way. Jesus ain’t got nothing on Bill O’Reilly! I’m God’s gift to women and the American people. Without me, western civilization would collapse.”

 

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O’Reilly as he appears to most Americans

“I want everyone to know that if all this criticism in the media continues, I’m going to kill every last person in the United States!” said O’Reilly as he foamed at the mouth. “Fuck you unappreciative assholes!”

Although O’Reilly continued to rant and rave throughout the custody battle about the liberal media and the hidden conspiracy of “pinheads” arrayed against him, the judge awarded custody of his two daughters to O’Reilly’s former wife Maureen McPhilmy.

“That asshole should never have been allowed to reproduce in the first place,” said the judge.

 

 

 

Commie Cities Risk Societal Collapse By Raising Minimum Wage

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LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – The nation’s second-largest city voted Tuesday to increase its minimum wage from $9 an hour to $15 an hour by 2020, in what is perhaps the most significant victory so far for labor groups, Marxists, and America haters who are engaged in a national push to raise the minimum wage and destroy the country.

The increase, which the Leninist city council passed in a 14-to-1 vote, comes as workers across the country are rallying for higher wages and several large companies, including Facebook and Walmart, have moved to raise their lowest wages.

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Senator Tom Cotton said that the minimum wage was a Commie plot that threatened to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. “Once we invade Iran and Russia we’ll have plenty of lebensraum for these poor people to farm. They should just be patient,” he said.

Several other cities, including San Francisco, Chicago, Seattle and Oakland, have already approved increases, and dozens more are considering doing the same. In 2014, a number of Republican-leaning states like Alaska and South Dakota also raised their state-level minimum wages by ballot initiative.

The move was met with alarm by right wingers and capitalist pigs on Wall Street and in Congress.

“Raising the minimum wage would cause a huge stream of filthy illegal aliens entering the country once again,” said Rick Perry. “We’re much better off keeping the inner cities cesspools of poverty and despair. That way those damn Messicans will stay put!”

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Former representative and current insane person Michele Bachmann told the Jesus Is Coming Back Any Minute Network that we can’t afford to show compassion for the poor because God hates poor people almost as much as he does fags.

Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) told CNN, “I’m alarmed by the number of cities that are passing this ill-advised pay hike for lazy bastards who can’t get real jobs. These cities pose a real threat to the economy of the United States and our whole way of life. It’s only a matter of time before they adopt Sharia law and develop their own nuclear weapons. I think the best thing we could do is bomb them into submission before they kill us all.”

Former U.S. representative from Minnesota and thoroughly insane person Michele Bachmann said that “If God wanted us to have a living wage he would have put it in the Ten Commandments. This is all Obama’s fault. Once you start showing compassion for the less fortunate by providing them health care, then they start demanding food and other things. I think beyond a doubt this signals the beginning of the End Times and worldwide apocalypse, which is good.”

Although House Republicans have repeatedly voted against raising the minimum wage and prefer instead to ignore anyone who does not make over $100,000 per year, the tide seems to be against them. Despite their best efforts to oppress the lower classes and return to the “Golden Days” of the Middle Ages, most pundits believe that the GOP will be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

 

United Nations Declares Iraq ‘Gigantic Clusterfuck’

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – With ISIS on the attack around Ramadi, Shiite and Sunni militias fighting each other as well as Islamic State forces, Coalition airstrikes blowing up empty patches of desert, the Iraqi military in full retreat, and inanimate objects exploding all over the country, United Nations President Sam Kahamba Kutesa officially declared Iraq an official “24 karat Clusterfuck” at a press conference this morning.

The distinction is important because clusterfuck status enables the United Nations to speed up relief shipments of food and medicine to the country whose borders were pulled out of white people’s asses shortly after World War I.

Vice President Cheney Criticizes Democrats Iraq Spending Bill

Former Vice President and soulless demon from hell Dick Cheney told reporters that Obama was an idiot and the only sure way to solve international problems was to “KILL KILL KILL!”

“We don’t hold out much hope that peace will come to the area in our lifetimes,” said Kutesa, “but we hope that eventually the fighting will die down to the point where we can distribute food, water, and cyanide tablets to the surviving population.”

The White House hailed the decision as a “real breakthrough” and expressed hope that fleeing refugees would be offered at least one last good meal before being obliterated by wayward drone strikes and terrorist car bombs.

“The situation is improving day-to-day,” said President Obama at a press conference in the Rose Garden, where he thanked Dick Cheney and George Bush for leaving Iraq and the Middle East in such good shape.

“I’m confident that all these religious nut cases will stop murdering each other real soon,” said Obama. “After all, they’ve been at it for several centuries now and I’m sure they’re sick and tired of all the bloodshed.”

Cheney, who was in Washington to negotiate the purchase of a soul to go with his new heart, told reporters that the entire fucked-up situation was Obama’s fault because he offered health care to the poor and failed to bomb the shit out of Iran over their nuclear program.