Author Archives: jerrydickerson8

God Denies Having Had Any Contact With Scott Walker

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Supreme Being God (I-Palestine)

 

VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – This morning on his daily talk show Jehovah and Friends on Vatican TV, God categorically denied having had any communications with Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker for at least two decades.

“The last time I remember hearing from Scott was during exam week just before he dropped out of Marquette,” said God. “I really can’t remember what he was begging for at the time, as I was busy fielding thousands of requests concerning the basketball team, but I think it had something to do with a political science class.”

God’s remarks came after articles surfaced last week about Walker’s “close relationship with the Lord” and his propensity for letting right-wing audiences know that he carries on conversations with the Almighty on a regular basis.

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Governor Scott Walker (R-Wisconsin)

Governor Walker has never been shy about flashing his religious credentials, regularly telling audiences about the nondenominational evangelical church he attends, the Baptist preacher who raised him, and his belief that he only runs for office when “called” upon by God to do so.

His reliance on the role of the Lord in his political decision-making process goes back to his aborted college years, when in an interview published in the Marquette University yearbook, he said that “I really think there’s a reason why God put all these political thoughts in my head.”

After the governor made another reference to God “speaking to him” in a speech before bankers in January, Freedom From Religion Foundation member Edward Susterich made an open records request of his office for evidence of his communications with the Master of the Universe.

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God told Vatican TV viewers that he rarely gets involved in politics because, “No matter what I do, you talking monkeys always fuck it up.”

Susterich requested any transcripts or a copy of any communication Walker may have had with “God, the Lord, Christ, Jesus, or any other form of deity” while in office as governor of Wisconsin.

The Governor’s Office replied, officially, that it could find none, saying “pursuant to the Public Records Law, we are responding to let you know that this office does not have records responsive to your request.”

“There’s a damn good reason for that,” commented God. “It’s because I haven’t talked to the son of a bitch. He’s full of shit. Do you really think I’m gonna waste my time with an idiot who doesn’t even believe in evolution?”

“I’ve got a few more important things to do than help some numb nuts who talks to himself bust unions and attack higher education,” said God. “And I’ll tell you something else, I don’t put thoughts in people’s heads. That’s what I gave you that huge brain for, you twits.”

“If the moron wants to run for president then let him,” said the exasperated deity. “I just wish he would keep me out of it. Besides, I’ve always thought the dude was an asshole.”

 

 

 

 

 

Cops To Give Up Dash Cams For Lent

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NEW YORK (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning Joey “The Plumber” Giuliani, president of the New York City Chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police, told reporters that the NYPD will be giving up dash cams for Lent. Joey is the cousin of former mayor and current bigot Rudolph Giuliani.

Dash cams are used by many jurisdictions across the United States and have been installed on tens of thousands of police cruisers. The cams record stops made by patrolmen and the videos are used in court, for training, to guard against insurance fraud in the case of accidents, and to record criminal acts committed by suspects that have been pulled over.

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Dash cams have proved invaluable for training white cops how to intimidate and brutalize innocent civilians living in minority neighborhoods

The system has been so useful that President Obama and others have suggested that cops all over the United States be fitted with mandatory body cams to record every minute of their shift.

Lately however, there has been a succession of incidents in which the cams have recorded cops beating the shit out of or even shooting unarmed civilians during traffic stops and altercations. Many of the videos have been offered as proof of police brutality.

Giuliani lamented the “misuse” of the videos and told reporters that by giving up the cams for Lent the department would be doing the taxpayers of New York a big favor.

“Let’s face it,” said Giuliani, “these cams are a very large pain in our ass. Do you know how much it costs to prosecute a cop these days? It’s a long and expensive process, and we view it as unjust. Cops are just out there trying to enforce the law, and naturally we sometimes have to get a little rough with a suspect, but let me tell you, they all deserve to get what’s coming to them.”

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This video has been used extensively across the country to show young recruits the proper technique when firing into a vehicle full of unarmed teenagers

Giuliani got his start in the NYPD in the mid nineties after his cousin Rudy won the mayoral election and gave him a job. He became famous for his “enhanced interrogation techniques” which included the use of a plunger on the nether regions of suspects. Joey called it “my little helper.” He had a confession success rate of over 90% during his time as an active officer.

“We just want to give back to the community that we were hired to protect by preventing frivolous lawsuits and losing valuable officers to extended prison terms,” said Giuliani. “It costs the public a lot of money to train these brave, idealistic men and women.”

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Unfortunately the usefulness of the dash cam has been called into question lately as videos have fallen into the “wrong hands” and cops have been seen on television beating the fuck out of innocent civilians

Giuliani ended the press conference by telling the assembled reporters that he hoped that the sacrifice made by the NYPD would catch on and departments all over the country would either disconnect or turn off their dash cams during the period leading up to Easter.

Giuliani has enlisted the support of the Benevolent Brotherhood of Bent Cops, the International Association of Bloodstain Pattern Analysts, the Prejudiced Prosecutors League, and the Bribable Judges Union in the effort.

“Lent has traditionally been a sacred period of prayer and self-denial,” said Giuliani, “and we advise minorities, homosexuals, and casual drug users all across this great country of ours to pray while we exercise our right of self-denial.”

Police departments across the country have applauded Giuliani’s actions and most intend on following New York’s example, except in some jurisdictions such as Ferguson, Missouri where cops would not be caught dead with a dash cam in their cruiser in the first place.

 

 

 

 

 

Republican Leaders Heartbroken Over Government Shutdown

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) broke down in tears today as he recounted to reporters the tragic events leading up to the government shutdown on Tuesday.

“It was just a case of being beaten to the punch,” said a tearful Boehner. “How were we to know that winter storm Octavia would hit D.C. that hard? Now we have to face the fact that the weather, and not the GOP, caused the first government shutdown of 2015. I just don’t know how we’re going to live with the shame.”

The government was closed Monday for the Presidents Day holiday, so the snowstorm gave most federal employees (called “non-essential” in bureaucracy-speak) an extra day at home.

U.S. Senator Cruz reacts as he answers questions during the Reuters Washington Summit in Washington

The shutdown rendered Senator Ted Cruz speechless for the first time in his political career. An aide remarked that he had never sounded so intelligent.

Conditions on the main roads in the Washington metro region ranged from fairly clear to totally snow-covered. Many downtown streets have not yet been touched, USA TODAY Washington Bureau Chief Susan Page reports.

Of course, White House operations pretty much keep rolling no matter what, although the daily press briefing was canceled.

However over on Capitol Hill, Congress was shut down, thus delaying critical meetings of GOP lawmakers set to discuss new methods of obfuscation and gridlock.

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was particularly upset, as his committee had scheduled an important brainstorming session on how best to temporarily defund the Department of Homeland Security in order to derail President Obama’s immigration orders.

“It truly breaks my heart that some stupid snow and ice is gonna get the credit for the first government shutdown of 2015,” said an emotional Cruz. “Everyone knows it’s my job to screw up Washington.”

The day was not a total write-off however.

House Majority Whip Steve Scalise used the spare time to write a new bill repealing Obamacare and in the afternoon visited a tailor’s shop down the street from his house to be measured for a new set of brown shirts.

Weather Channel Warns Nervous Viewers About The Downright Weird Physical Properties Of Water

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ATLANTA, GEORGIA (CT&P) – In a litany repeated over and over again ad nauseam weather cretins stationed all over the Southeast and Eastern seaboard warned angst ridden Weather Channel viewers that the physical properties of water, or H2O, changes as outside temperatures drop to around 32 degrees Fahrenheit.

Jim Cantore Weather Channel meteorologist

Cantore warned viewers that “Only a fool messes around with such a dangerous substance as water.”

“Water is downright weird,” said Weather Channel veteran reporter Jim Cantore. “As it gets cold outside, water can mysteriously change into things like sleet, ice, freezing rain, or in some conditions even snow.”

“Some of these substances, such as ice, can be very slippery to walk or drive on,” warned Cantore with a very serious look on his face. “So whatever you do, don’t leave your home if it’s cold outside. You run the risk of freezing to death on a deserted highway only a short distance from the safety of your warm crib.”

Cantore told viewers that anyone forced to travel in temperatures lower than 50 degrees should pack a survival kit and bring it along with them.

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Cantore said that many an idiot has met his death by hanging around outside in subzero temperatures when intelligent people were inside in front of a fire.

Cantore advised that the kit should contain distilled water, freeze-dried emergency rations, toilet paper, a flask of brandy attached to a St Bernard, a flare gun or “Very pistol,” space blanket, compass, signalling mirror and a three-day supply of amphetamines in order to stay alert.

Cantore also said that if you are dumb enough to leave your home during the winter months you should take along the weakest member of your family in case you run out of food and are forced to eat them to survive.

Director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Dr. Jean Lubchenco agreed with Cantore that water can be very dangerous particularly in wintertime when it is so unpredictable.

Lubchenco said that “We never know from one minute to the next what form water will take as it falls out of the sky. It often poses a threat to life and limb for those who don’t have the sense God gave a goat, so the best course for Americans is to stay inside their homes until spring.”

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Georgia Governor Nathan Deal held an emergency news conference last night to assure residents that the state’s fleet of snow plows and salt trucks would work round the clock to keep the streets clear

Dr. Lubchenco agreed with Cantore that carrying an emergency kit around in the car with you was a good idea, but stopped short of advising the public to resort to cannibalism. “Except for Florida, every state in the Union has outlawed cannibalism,” said Lubchenco, “so I don’t recommend devouring grandma except as a last resort.”

In a related story, Georgia Governor Nathan Deal held an emergency press conference late last night to assure a panic-stricken public that the state was prepared to handle anything that Mother Nature could throw at it.

Governor Deal told reporters that at enormous expense to the state, a fleet of over 300 trucks was dispensing a toxic mixture of salt, sand, and radioactive fracking compounds all over the roads of Metro Atlanta, even though temperatures were nowhere near low enough for ice to form.

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Governor Deal warned the residents of rural counties in North Georgia that winter sports should be left to the experts

“We want to err on the side of caution,” said Deal. He assured the public that the money spent contaminating the roads could be replaced by pirating funds from public school systems as is usually done for idiotic projects.

Deal told reporters that if temperatures remained above freezing as was expected, the public should be aware that water in the form of a liquid could fall from the sky making objects around Atlanta wet.

“Puddles could form on sidewalks that could damage leather shoes and whatnot,” said Deal. “The public should remain alert and aware of all the dangers associated with this substance.”

Deal also warned that those venturing out after the trucks got rolling should just drive around and stay inside their vehicles so that they would not be unnecessarily exposed to carcinogenic compounds in the sludge.

“Our health care system is already at the breaking point as it is,” said Deal. “We don’t need a rash of tumors popping up this summer.”

 

 

Weather Channel To Begin Naming Cloudy Days

Posted in humor, weather by

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ATLANTA, GEORGIA (CT&P) – As of March 1st the Weather Channel will start assigning names to cloudy and overcast days, according to an announcement made this morning by Weather Channel spokesman Robert Buffoon.

“Cloudy days represent a very real threat to every American, particularly those who live in areas where clouds form,” said Buffoon. “Cloudy days can have a big impact on local economies as well as the psyches of those people dumb enough to let the weather dictate how they feel.”

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Buffoon told reporters that the Weather Channel wanted to bring the same level of dread and foreboding to cloudy day reporting as it does hurricane and winter storm predictions. “We really like to instill a sense of impending doom on our viewers”, said Buffoon.

“In some regions of the United States you can even be arrested by overzealous police officers for smiling on a cloudy day, and we want to do our part to prevent this from happening by warning our viewers of impending cloud cover.”

The first cloudy day in March will be named Apocalypse, according to Buffoon. Some other names on the list of cloudy days this spring will include Cataclysm, Debacle, Fiasco, Holocaust, and Tragedy.

“We wanted to name these horrible and deadly weather events in such a way as to cause abject panic among our viewers. When you combine ominous-sounding names with end-of-the-world reporting, it really boosts our ratings, and that’s all we care about,” said Buffoon. “It’s basically the same formula we use with hurricanes and winter storms.”

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Buffoon said that no matter what the conditions, brave Weather Channel personnel will carry on the tradition of making fools of themselves on live television.

Buffoon assured reporters that no matter what the danger, Weather Channel personnel would be out making utter fools of themselves from all over affected regions during cloudy and overcast conditions.

“As you know from our record here at the Weather Channel, no one knows how to look like complete idiots better than us,” chuckled Buffoon.

The National Weather Service has not commented on the new policy, but a NOAA meteorologist who wished to remain anonymous told the Atlanta Journal Constitution that “You’re better off calling up your local witch doctor to get your weather forecast rather than relying on those clowns. They can’t predict from one moment to the next whether the sun will come up tomorrow.”

Dickerson Reaffirms Vows To Self

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BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In a romantic Valentine’s Day ceremony Jerry Dickerson let the world know that he continues to be in a deep and loving relationship with himself. The moving ceremony took place at sunset on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico in Blue Mountain Beach.

In attendance were hundreds of Dickerson’s imaginary friends, thousands of phantasmal readers of his blog, and numerous apocryphal admirers from all over the planet. A reception was held at the Tom Thumb Convenience Store #37 at the corner of 331 South and U.S. Highway 98 West.

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Officer Larry “Lardass” Langford told reporters that he had never seen anyone who adored himself as much as Dickerson. “You just don’t run across that level of love and devotion every day,” said an emotional Langford.

“It was a truly moving experience, said Walton County Deputy Sheriff Larry “Lardass” Langford, who happened to be driving by.

“I was just making my normal rounds on the beach protecting residents from ISIS frogmen and writing tickets to tourists who seemed to be having too much fun, and I happened upon this sacred and inspirational event.”

“I’ll never forget it,” said Langford. “Dickerson’s level of dedication to himself was heart warming. It brought tears to my eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so deeply devoted to the preservation of his own well-being and happiness. It really caused me to question my level of commitment to my wife Ethyl.”

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Dickerson has been in a committed relationship with himself for over 50 years which is good because he has a face only he himself could love.

When interviewed by Channel 7 Action News after the ceremony, Dickerson said, “I just wanted the world to know that I have found my soul mate, and he is me.”

Dickerson agreed with himself saying, “I really admire my life partner’s manly physique, outgoing personality, rapier wit, and above all his towering intellect.”

When interviewed, Dickerson’s mother Charlene told reporters “I just don’t see anyone breaking up this beautiful long term relationship that Jerry has with Jerry.”

“I know in my heart that no one will ever be able to love my son as much as he loves himself,” said the emotional and long-suffering mom.

After the reception Dickerson treated himself to a steak dinner at Angelo’s Steak Pit and then went back to his mom’s condo to unwind and enjoy seven soccer matches in succession.

Dickerson plans on spending some quality time alone with himself along the romantic Emerald Coast before returning to his home outside Murphy, North Carolina where he plans on dedicating the rest of his life to making himself happy.

 

Grand Canyon Wolfslayer Admits To Having An Unusually Small Penis

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BEAVER, UTAH (CT&P) – The bloodthirsty asshole who shot and killed Echo, the grey wolf who traveled over 750 miles from the Northern Rockies to the Grand Canyon, has admitted to authorities that his penis and testicles are far below average in size.

The hunter, whose name is being kept secret for fear that actual decent human beings would surround his trailer and skin him alive, told officials that he had “always been insecure about his sexual organs”, and that is one of the main reasons he liked to inflict pain on innocent animals.

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The majestic and beautiful Echo in happier times. Note the huge fucking radio collar she is wearing around her neck. Anyone dumb enough to mistake her for a coyote should not own a firearm.

The pitiful excuse for a man told U.S. Fish and Game officers that he had mistaken the wolf for a coyote.

Genetic tests conducted at the University of Idaho found that the DNA sample taken from the wolf killed on December 28 was identical to the DNA in scat samples taken from Echo, the name given to the Grand Canyon wolf following a worldwide naming contest among schoolchildren.

Wolves in Utah are protected under the Endangered Species Act, and hunting them can bring penalties of up to a year in prison and tens of thousands of dollars in fines. A spokesperson for the Fish and Wildlife Service would not comment on the shooting, but said the investigation is under way.

“I find it very difficult to believe that this asshole could not tell the difference between a coyote and a grey wolf, said the spokesman. “Any third grader could tell the difference with one eye closed, and it would be damn near impossible to miss the huge radio collar that Echo was wearing.”

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Extensive research has shown that men who are unable to satisfy women due to their small size resort to violence against innocent animals

“I think it’s far more likely that this shithead, like most hunters, is trying to compensate for his pencil dick and shrunken testicles by going out and murdering any animal that he comes across. I’m sure he also beats his wife and kids in his spare time.”

The loss of the wolf made international news and has sparked anti-hunting protests across the country.

“It’s very sad news,” said Michael Robinson, a conservationist and wolf advocate at the Center for Biological Diversity. “We and a lot of other people were rooting for her. Echo’s death illustrates the peril wolves face even under the protection of the Endangered Species Act.”

“We certainly hope that this moron will do time and be forced to pay some heavy fines,” said Robinson. Maybe in prison he’ll be able to find someone lonely enough to appreciate his miniscule member. People like this son of bitch should be sterilized before they are able to reproduce.”

 

 

God Condemns Judge Roy Moore To Burn In Hell

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PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN (CT&P) – God paused outside the Pearly Gates this morning long enough to tell reporters that he had decided to let Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore’s soul “burn in hell for all of eternity.”

“I usually reserve judgement on a soul until the human in question assumes room temperature,” said God, “but in Judge Moore’s case I wanted to set an example for all those other cretins down there on earth who think they know what the hell I’m thinking.”

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God advised the residents of Alabama to throw Moore off the court and into a mental institution before he has to take action they will regret.

Because of his recent decisions and orders to probate judges around the state concerning gay marriage, Judge Moore has once again made Alabama the laughingstock of the United States.

In an apparent effort to compound the damage to Alabama’s reputation, Moore appeared on CNN and told “New Day’ host Chris Cuomo that he doesn’t believe the U.S. Supreme Court has the right to “invent a definition of marriage,” that would lead to same-sex marriage being the law of the land because the rights Americans enjoy come from God.

“You are putting God before the laws of man. That’s not what we do in this country. That’s not how it works,” Cuomo countered.

When pressed by Cuomo over why he ordered probate judges in the state not to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, Moore responded, “I had to do this…. “This is not about racial discrimination, it’s about sexual preference overcoming an institution which has existed in our state, in our United States for centuries and I think it’s wrong.”

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God also condemned Pike County Probate Judge Wes Allen to spend eternity in a fiery lake of burning sulphur. “That sniveling little pussy couldn’t find his ass with both hands,” said God. “He deserves to go to hell over his haircut alone. What an idiot.”

Cuomo responded by asking Moore if he had ever had a brain scan to determine if he had a tumor in his prefrontal cortex.

“Listen Chris, no one knows better than me what God wants and I’ll be damned if federal law is going to take precedence over my wisdom,” said Moore.

“This is just the kind of pompous asshole who deserves to be entertained by Lucifer until the stars burn out,” said God after a reporter told him about the interview.

“Article VI, paragraph 2 of the U.S. Constitution, commonly known as the Supremacy Clause, clearly establishes that the federal constitution, and federal law generally, takes precedence over state laws and constitutions,” said the Supreme Being.

“You idiots fought a bloody civil war over this very thing only 150 years ago. You would think that a state supreme court judge would know all this, but Moore is either a psychotic religious freak or a complete dumb ass.”

“Either way, the son of bitch is gonna burn,” chuckled God.

Madison Alabama Cops To Investigate Madison Alabama Cops

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HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning, Captain John “Billy Club” Stringer of the Madison, Alabama Police Department announced that there would be a “thorough investigation” of an incident last week that left a 57 year old grandfather in hospital with temporary paralysis. The granddad was visiting his family from India.

“He was just walking on the sidewalk as he does all the time,” said his son, Chirag Patel, this morning. “They put him to the ground, even though no crime had been committed. The officers later told me that they suspected him of ‘walking while brown in a predominately white neighborhood.'”

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Captain Stringer promised a thorough and unbiased secret internal investigation of the cops he has worked side-by-side with for years. “No way they should have let that towel head survive to testify,” said Stringer.

Walking while brown can get you into a lot of trouble in Madison and other Alabama towns, especially when the perpetrator is a damn foreigner or, God forbid, gay.

Captain Stringer made it clear that the cops would get to the bottom of their fellow cops’ actions as soon as possible.

“We want this investigation to be totally fair and transparent,” said Captain Stringer. “We are here to protect and serve the white population of Madison and we certainly don’t want to do anything to betray the trust we have built up with our white residents, so the public can rest assured that we will spend a great deal of time pretending to do the right thing.”

Stringer said that the names of the officers involved in the brutal and unnecessary treatment would be kept secret, as will all details of the investigation.

“We don’t need a bunch of dumb ass civilians poking around in police business,” said Stringer, “and we really don’t give a fuck what they think anyway. I think the main thing here is to determine just how this subhuman brown-skinned foreigner managed to get out of this thing alive. We may need to lower our threshold when it comes to the use of deadly force.”

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Cops in Alabama have a long history of treating everyone fairly, as long as the suspects are not black, brown, yellow, Hispanic, hippies, liberals, atheists, or homosexuals.

Chirag Patel, the son of the victim, an engineer for one of the many government contractors in Huntsville, said he had just bought a one-way ticket for his father, bringing him from the small Indian town of Pij to his new home in fast-growing suburbs of Madison.

“I wanted Dad to see first hand what a great and progressive state Alabama actually is,” said Patel. “Unfortunately things just did not work out that way.”

Mr. Patel told the Huntsville Times that the family is packing up and plans to “get the fuck out of here” as soon as possible.

“I think we will be returning to India as soon as possible,” said Patel. “At least over there we don’t pretend to offer every citizen equal rights. Over there everyone knows exactly where he stands.”

‘Pathogen Parties’ Becoming Popular On Left Coast

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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – “Pathogen Parties,” or get-togethers of otherwise healthy unvacccinated kids, are rapidly rising in popularity with the anti-vaxxer crowd on the west coast. The parties are designed to expose the children to deadly childhood and adult diseases in order to “toughen them up” for the coming ordeals and disappointments of adult life.

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Hemorrhaging Herman, a professional clown currently suffering from Ebola, has been wildly popular at the CNPA events

“What does not kill you makes you stronger, and we all want strong, healthy kids, don’t we?” said Theresa Twit of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association.

“We got the idea from reading about George Washington vaccinating his troops against smallpox,” said Twit. “He used pus from running sores on smallpox patients and scratched his healthy soldiers’ exposed skin with a filthy needle covered with the live virus. It made perfect sense to us.”

The organization has taken the idea one step further by recruiting diseased children and adults with a whole suite of different communicable diseases and turning them loose to play with the healthy, happy ones.

“We have partnered with Pathogens R Us, a website that hooks up infected individuals with concerned parents all over the United States,” said Twit. “We really owe them a great debt. There’s just no way we could have located enough afflicted people to be effective without their help.”

“Pathogens has made it possible for us to recruit kids and adults with all kinds of horrific diseases. They also provide great game ideas for the kids, such as ‘Bodily Fluids Bingo,’ ‘Pin the Tail on the Anthrax’, and ‘Hide and Go Die.’ They even sell a pinata filled with test tubes containing a wide variety of viruses and bacteria that the kids would normally never get a chance to experience.”

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Chuck E. Cheese’s has jumped on the bandwagon to help out the dimwitted parents by developing a toxic “West Coast Menu” and covering its giant rodent mascots with fleas carrying bubonic plague

The CNPA has also formed a partnership with the popular kid’s party palace Chuck E. Cheese’s. The restaurant chain has developed an entirely new ‘West Coast’ menu featuring a variety of toppings laced with life-threatening microbes and parasites. Some of the most popular new pizzas include Salmonella Surprise, Staphylococcus  Supreme, and a gourmet white pizza loaded with botulinum toxin called the Upchuckie.

“We just want our kids to form all the antibodies that are so necessary to combat disease,” said Twit. “We just don’t believe in doing it in the modern fashion accepted by scientists and the general public for decades. For example, we’re currently recruiting polio victims from Pakistan to come in and join us at a gala event at Disneyland next month. We just can’t wait.”

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The effectiveness of the parties is yet to be determined, but the CNPA insists that those kids who make it out of intensive care alive will be better prepared for life than kids with “normal” parents

Pundits and public health officials around California have expressed alarm at the group’s activities and are strongly advising parents to keep their kids “the fuck away” from any parties designed to make their kids critically ill.

California Attorney General Kamela Harris has said publicly that if the parties continue she will be forced to charge the participants with child abuse and with being “too stupid to live in California.”

“These idiots don’t have the sense to get their kids vaccinated in the first place, and now they are importing diseased individuals from all over the world to do the job a doctor could have done in five minutes,” said Harris. “If these cretins want to return to the 7th century, then let them convert to Islam and move to Syria. I mean, fuck!”