Author Archives: jerrydickerson8

Constipated Prophet Orders Attack On Newspaper By Mistake

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FRANCE-CRIME-MEDIA-SHOOTING-FILES

PARIS (CT&P) – The attack earlier today on the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo that killed 12 people was apparently the last in a series of foul ups and snafus committed by the Prophet Muhammad during his yearly vacation in Paris this week.

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An artist’s rendering of the Prophet is being circulated in Paris so that anyone who sees the bloodthirsty bastard can phone authorities immediately.

According to the bloodthirsty demigod’s press secretary Abdul-Aziz Cornhollah Habib Lulu Maalik Skyhook, which loosely translated means “The One Who Does Not Bathe,” the attack was supposed to target Le Lonesome Camel, a restaurant just down the street from the newspaper.

It seems the Prophet became extremely agitated when, while dining at the restaurant last night, the staff mistakenly served him a meat pie which was loaded with processed pork products. According to Skyhook, the tourtière in question was supposed to be “pork and gluten-free” in order to adhere to the strict dietary guidelines published in the Prophet’s latest cookbook, How to Feed a Cave Full of Subhuman Terrorists on $10.00 a Day, first published in 2002.

However, the owner of the restaurant, retired Formula One driver Alain Prost, told reporters that the Islamic killing machine had “only himself to blame” for his irritable bowels because the Prophet insisted on ordering in French, like so many other idiot foreigners who vacation in Paris.

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France’s ace detective Inspector Jacques Clouseau has been assigned the case and expects apprehend the “foul-smelling camel jockeys” tout suite!

“At first the dimwit ordered a goat with a football stuffed up its ass,” said Prost. “He had to try five times before he actually ordered something on the menu. His server tried to warn him that the tourtière had pork in it, but the pompous ass would not listen. I’m surprised he’s able to speak any French at all. After all, the only language other Arabic that he hears are the screams coming from his follower’s victims.”

The Prophet became even more agitated when he went outside to discover that his dinner party’s camels had all been ticketed for parking in a loading zone. Apparently he ordered the attack later that night.

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Author Reza Aslan, who continues to insist he is not gay, is one of the few public figures to come to the terrorists’ defense. “These guys are just misunderstood,” said Aslan. “Islam is a religion of peace and this activity is perfectly normal. I mean, who can honestly say that they have not thought about murdering innocent people for the slightest of insults? I know I have.”

Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau, who has been assigned the task of bringing the filthy subhuman Islamic slime to justice, told reporters at L’Express that what happened was that the geographically challenged religious fanatic gave his henchmen the wrong address.

“You would think that the terrorists would have realized that they were not attacking the restaurant they had just dined in only hours earlier, but you have to remember that we’re dealing with a bunch of savages that want to return the world to the 9th Century. I’m amazed they were even able to operate the nav system on the Hertz rental car they used.”

Although most politicians and religious leaders around the world are denouncing the attack, some apologists for Islam are defending the actions of the blessed, sacred, but not-so-intelligent Prophet.

Reza Aslan, author of Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth and No god but god: The Origins, Evolution, and Future of Islam, told the New York Times that these types of attacks are to be expected when one dares to insult a Muslim by accidentally serving him the wrong entrée.

“I can understand the Prophet’s actions. I once considered sawing off the heads of everyone in a Shoney’s Big Boy after smelling bacon on the breakfast bar while I was trying to enjoy my sheep testicle soufflé. Ignorant infidels in the west need to be considerate of Islamic tradition, no matter how asinine and Neolithic it may be.”

The offices of the Cretonia Times-Picayune are located on Savannah Road in Murphy, North Carolina. The editor in chief and sole proprietor of the wildly successful online newspaper, Jerry Dickerson, cordially invites anyone not happy with the views and opinions expressed in this article to jump on the nearest camel and “come try that shit up here.”

Poll Finds Four Out Of Five Imbeciles Believe Obama Has ‘Destroyed America’

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ap7604010327

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A shocking new Fox News poll has revealed that approximately 80% of imbeciles living in the continental United States think that President Obama has destroyed America. The poll was taken on December 30th. Participants were randomly chosen from imbeciles currently listed on the National Idiot’s Register in Washington, D.C.

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The imbeciles were randomly chosen from the National Idiot’s Register in Washington, D.C.

 

The poll consisted of two simple statements that imbeciles were required to complete. The statements were followed by a comment section where each imbecile was given the opportunity to voice his or her views on the subject.

 

Participants were first given the opportunity to complete the following sentence:

 

 

President Obama has

A. not destroyed the country.

B. somewhat destroyed the country.

C. really, really destroyed the country.

D. completely and utterly destroyed the country.

 

Those imbeciles that answered “B,” “C,” or “D” were then asked to complete this sentence:

President Obama has destroyed the country because

A. he is black.

B. of Obamacare.

C. of Benghazi

D. he is a member of the worldwide communist conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids.

E. All of the above

 

Fox researchers found that over 80% of imbeciles polled thought that Mr. Obama had in some way ‘destroyed the country,’ with over 90% of those imbeciles answering “E” to the second question.

Paradoxically, the researchers also discovered that although imbeciles thought that the country had been destroyed, they continued to insist that it was the greatest country on earth and was humanity’s last, best hope for the future.

Monty Python

Members of the International Moron’s Association complained that they were left out of the poll, but researchers at Fox said that their inability to operate telephones or computers precluded their participation.

Perhaps the most revealing part of the poll was the comments section, which illustrated just ignorant imbeciles in this country are.

Billy Bob McSneed, an imbecile from Running Sore, Arkansas said: “That negra wants to give poor people medical care and let a bunch of infected foreign kids into the United States. He’s a disgrace, and it’s only a matter of time before he lets the United Nations come and get all our guns!”

Jean “Genius” Mims, an imbecile from Melanoma Beach, Florida said: “I may not be able to read, but I darn shore know destruction when I seen it, and let me tell you, this country had been destructed!”

Billy Frank McDim of Rabid Beaver, Minnesota said: “That man is downright insane. He’s bent on destroying all of us with his gay marriage and enlightened foreign policy. The next thing you know it’ll be legal to marry your goat! Everybody knows that big business and Jesus are our only hope. I just thank God every day for smart people like Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin!”

One of the few imbeciles that thought that President Obama had not destroyed the country was Tampaxia Reynolds from Mobile, Alabama who said: “I really have not noticed that the United States has been destroyed, but maybe that’s because I don’t watch Fox News. I really don’t know.”

As with all Fox News polls, the survey has a margin of error of +/- 35%.

Death Toll Continues To Rise In Armed Forces Bowl Tragedy

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wreckage

FORT WORTH, TEXAS (CT&P) – The death toll topped 4000 this morning as rescuers continued to pull victims from the ruins of the Amon G. Carter Stadium after two Lockheed Martin F-35 jets collided during a halftime flyover. Reuters is reporting that government authorities say that the toll could go much higher in the next few days as more rubble is removed from the south end zone.

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At first it was feared that the game would have to be rescheduled, but after the aviation fuel burned down to a tolerable level, officials allowed the two teams to continue.

The tragic collision occurred just as three F-35’s were approaching the stadium in a delta formation. The jets were trailing red, white, and blue smoke in a display of patriotism meant to garner public support for the military-industrial complex. Eyewitnesses told the Dallas Morning News that two of the planes were behaving “erratically” just before the crash.

“One plane was jerkin’ side to side and its landing gear were poppin’ up and down faster than a rattlesnake!” said Angus McTurd of Tainted Springs. “It was like it was in some kinda of video game. The plane flying next to it was rearin’ up and down like steer on steroids. Just as they came over the top of the stadium they collided and one of ’em cartwheeled into the south end zone. The other one started burnin’ and crashed over in the colored neighborhood just to the west of the stadium. It was a helluva thing to watch!”

Both pilots managed to punch out of their planes and survived the crash. Air Force spokesman Major T. J. “King” Kong told reporters that was because “the ejection seats were the only thing on the aircraft that worked worth a shit.”

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The F-35 has had a few “glitches” during its development, such as problems turning left and right, gaining altitude, and flying right-side-up.

Fort Worth Mayor Betsy Price told KDFW Fox 4 News that she had begged Pentagon officials to use some other type of plane for the flyover, but they insisted on using the F-35 Lightnings, even though they were the only three cleared to fly out of the entire fleet of troubled aircraft.

“I told those idiots we did not want those flying washing machines over our city, much less a stadium packed full of people,” said Price. “Hell, it would have been safer to fly the fucking Hindenburg over the game!”

The trillion dollar F-35 has been plagued with cost overruns, groundings, and embarrassing glitches, such as its inability to fire its cannon until 2019, when the software for the weapon is upgraded. However, this has not dampened the Pentagon’s enthusiasm for the plane and it continues to garner support from senators and representatives from states where the plane’s over 300,000 parts are manufactured.

“It’s a gorgeous plane and we fully believe that some day it will actually be able to fly on a regular basis,” said General Jack Ripper, USAF (Retired). “Every new weapons system is bound to have a few snags or hitches in development, and I don’t think we should condemn an entire program for a single slip up.”

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Air Force spokesman Major T. J. “King” Kong seemed confused that everyone was making such a big deal over the crash. “These things are bound to happen every now and then with a new airplane,” said Kong. “It’s just one of the risks we gotta take in order to be prepared for those Commies.”

General Ripper is a lobbyist for Lockheed Martin.

Some cable pundits expressed surprise that the game was allowed to continue after the plane incinerated several thousand fans, but Pentagon officials on the bowl committee insisted that it would be good for the public to get used to these types of incidents, because over 2500 of the flying deathtraps will eventually be in service in the USAF alone.

“Things explode every day,” said General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. “If we stopped what we were doing every time something blew up, we’d never get anything accomplished.”

Houston managed to win the game 35-34 over the Pitt Panthers after an incredible comeback in the fourth quarter. Many sports analysts attributed the comeback to the Pittsburgh player’s reluctance to approach the south end zone, which was a sea of fire and twisted wreckage for most of the second half.

The third F-35 Lightning was last seen flying erratically towards the U.S.-Mexico border and remains unaccounted for. Air Force personnel have been unable to raise the aircraft by radio because of a glitch in the F-35 communications systems and stealth safeguards built into the plane are making it very difficult to spot on radar.

 

 

 

 

White Republican Leaders Defend Fellow White Republican Leader For Defending White Rights At White Supremacist Meeting Attended By White Republicans

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whitepride

WASHINGTON (CT&P) – House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who is technically a white person, is vigorously supporting House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA), another white person, as he faces a deluge of criticism and questions over a 2002 speech he gave to a white supremacist group.

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Although his skin is a bright orange color most of the time, Speaker Boehner is in fact a white man who is a strong supporter of wealthy white people and their business interests

“More than a decade ago, Representative Scalise made an error in judgment. He was not secretive enough in his support of white supremacists in his state. Like many of my colleagues on our side of the aisle, I know Steve to be a man of high integrity and good character, who will stand up for the rights of wealthy white people all across this great country of ours. He has my full confidence as our Whip, and he will continue to do great and important work for all white Americans,” Boehner said in statement made today outside the “Stars and Bars,” a swanky whites-only supper club in Georgetown.

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who is also white, is standing by Scalise as well.

“Congressman Scalise acknowledged he made a mistake and has condemned himself for being so dumb,” McCarthy said in a statement released moments after Boehner’s. “I’ve known him as a friend for many years and I know that he is much smarter than he appears. I know that if he could do it all over again, he would have insisted that the speaking engagement be held at night in some field using only torches for lighting. That way no one else would have known about it.”

The show of support from GOP leaders came as Scalise has found himself under fire for being a guest speaker at a 2002 meeting of the European-American Unity and Rights Organization, a group founded by former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. A Louisiana political blogger unearthed evidence of Scalise’s presence at the rally, and from there the news went viral.

Scalise, who was a state lawmaker at the time, maintains that he spoke to any groups who would give him any money whatsoever and says he didn’t know that EURO was affiliated with racists and neo-Nazi activists.

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Scalise told Reuters that the lighting in the auditorium was “really, really, bad” and he had no idea that the “dudes in sheets” were white supremacists

“Twelve years ago, I spoke to many different Louisiana groups as a state representative, trying to build support for legislation that focused on cutting government handouts to black people and half breeds, eliminating government corruption that did not benefit big business, and stopping tax hikes on the white majority. One of the many groups that I spoke to regarding this critical legislation was a group of folks wearing swastikas and white hoods. I want to stress that I had no idea that they were Nazis or members of the Ku Klux Klan. Had I known they were members of any white supremacist groups, I would have been much more circumspect with my support. It was a mistake I regret, and I want everyone to know that I emphatically oppose any groups that would divide the white majority and thus hurt my chances of re-election,” said Scalise.

He continued, “As a Christian, these groups hold views that are vehemently opposed to my own personal faith, and I reject any kind of hateful bigotry except the kind that keeps desperate Hispanic kids on the Mexican side of the border and prevents homosexuals from enjoying the same civil rights as straight Americans. Those who know me best know I have always been passionate about helping, serving, and fighting for every white family that I represent. And I will continue to do so.”

Duke described Scalise as “a pretty nice guy” and “a family man” and “very white” in a Monday night interview with The Huffington Post. He also said it seemed a bit strange that Scalise — who had a friendly relationship with Duke’s campaign manager Kenny Knight, the EURO event’s organizer — claims he didn’t know what the group’s message was about.

“It would seem to me that the son of bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing and this is just another example of the white GOP leadership not having the guts to stand up for what they believe in,” said Duke.

Obama Destroys Country Again This Year

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hydrogenbomb1

BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Fox News is reporting that America has once again been completely and utterly destroyed by President Barack Obama. This marks the 6th time during his presidency that he has managed to lay waste to the North American land mass known as the United States.

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Although America has been completely destroyed again this year, Obama seems not to give a damn. The President was seen earlier today playing football with his pet canine amid the ruins of our once great nation.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest confirmed that America had been destroyed again at a press conference held early this morning in the Rose Garden.

“We’re proud that we managed to annihilate this once beautiful country and leave it in ruins yet again this year,” said Earnest, as he tuned one of the many special edition White House violins.

“President Obama was quite pleased that this year we got the job done early so he could take a much-needed vacation and recharge his batteries for the next round of obliteration scheduled to begin on January 1st. You know it takes a lot of energy to usurp power and then destroy all that is good about a nation.”

However, not everyone is convinced that Armageddon is just around the corner.

“The economy is in the best shape it has been in for a decade, unemployment is down, gas is under $2.00 per gallon, millions of poor people are now covered by health insurance, and there’s progress on the gay marriage front,” said New York Times Editor Dean Baqet, “but for some reason those cretins over at Fox insist that the country is on the brink of an apocalypse. I think it’s mainly because the President continues to be black even after six years in office.”

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As part of the network’s show “2014: America’s Trail of Tears,” Fox News pundit and brainless dunderhead Andrea Shlemiel Tantaros will make predictions for 2015. It should be an “awesome” and uplifting broadcast.

Indeed, Fox News continues to report ad nauseam that Obamacare, the Benghazi non-conspiracy, immigration policy, sex crazed predatory homosexuals, civil rights protestors, warming relations with Cuba, and just about every other fucking thing you could imagine has left the country a smoking wreck reminiscent of post WW II Europe.

However, one group of Americans seems to be blissfully unaware that we are all doomed.

“Our customers are happy and optimistic as hell,” said Joseph Clayton, President and CEO of DISH Network. “It’s absolutely amazing what a week free of propaganda and misinformation will do for people.”

 

 

 

 

A Christmas Miracle

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

charltonheston2

BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In what many are calling a Christmas miracle, Charlton Heston appeared out of nowhere this morning on the beaches of northwest Florida. Heston was on horseback and was accompanied by a scantily clad mute female who many believe was Mary Magdalene or possibly even the Virgin Mary.

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Heston screamed and writhed on the sand for hours in front of curious onlookers who had woken up early to enjoy free beer and hot dogs before the wet elf costume contest at the Spinnaker.

For hours Heston galloped up and down the beaches berating the native population for re-electing the ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott as their governor.

“Damn you! God damn you all to hell!” screamed Heston.

For many decades Heston has been an icon of the right and a huge supporter of the NRA. However, Heston’s support of marriage equality and his objections to oppressive new voter ID laws has recently put him at odds with the GOP leadership in Florida. Heston pumped a great deal of cash and effort into Charlie Crist’s campaign and was apparently frustrated that the citizens of Florida have once again chosen a “false idol” to worship for four more years.

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Although a famous icon of the right, Heston has long supported marriage equality.

“You idiots,” yelled Heston, “what is it about snake gods and golden calves that turns you people on so much?”

Heston then jumped off his horse and made a huge display of tearing up his Florida voter ID card and throwing it on the sands of “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”

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After several hours of marching up and down the beach hurling epithets at Cretonians of all ages, Heston turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, and rode off.

“The Lord Our God will kick your ass for this travesty!” said Heston. He then turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, jumped back on his horse and rode off.

Most pundits believe that Heston’s temper tantrum will have little effect on Florida politics, and the state will remain a “Forbidden Zone” for many years to come. Political pundit Barry Edwards told Wolf Blitzer on CNN that “This whole region is like a vast wasteland of intelligence. It’s gonna take one hell of a lot more than a Christmas miracle to fix this God-forsaken state. We might as well lift off and nuke the entire site from orbit-it’s the only way to be sure.”

Jerry’s Guide To Isolated Cabin Living

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cabina

Excerpted from “Post Metrosexual Lifestyles For Males In The 21st Century,” Curmudgeon Magazine, May 2014

If you are male over fifty years of age who has taken a beat down by bent cops, ex wives, or just society in general, and you’re ready to make a change, moving to a remote, isolated cabin in the woods could be just the thing to recharge your batteries and get you ready for the 4th Quarter of life. Living alone in a wooded mountainous setting offers all kinds of advantages for men who enjoy their own company and are disgusted by what they see going on around the planet. We at Curmudgeon would like to offer you some tips for this creepy and bizarre lifestyle so that you won’t make some of the same mistakes made by other reclusive freaks, such as Howard Hughes, J. D. Salinger, or Ted Kaczynski, better known as the “Unabomber.”

CHOOSE YOUR CABIN CAREFULLY

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If you plan on writing and distributing subversive pamphlets, masterminding a conspiracy to overthrow the government, or are planning on handling fissionable materials, it’s probably a good idea to live completely off the grid. This will at least give you a fighting chance to remain undetected long enough to complete your batshit crazy mission. Make sure to dig an elaborate bunker complex under and around your cabin so you can hold off the FBI long enough to force them to publish your insane manifesto. That way other kooks from around the world will rise up in revolt and come to your defense.

MAKE SURE YOUR CABIN HAS AT LEAST ONE FUNCTIONAL SATELLITE DISH

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If you are not too far gone mentally and you require electricity and entertainment, be sure to choose a cabin with a satellite dish, or have one installed as soon as possible. It will be critical for your well being to view every sporting event occurring all over the globe every day if you are going to retain your tenuous grip on sanity. A dish devoted solely to the internet is also useful so you can monitor world events and spew your weird ideas on sites like Facebook and WordPress, to name two examples.

 

 BUILD A LIBRARY OF UPLIFTING BOOKS

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When forced by subzero temperatures to spend days at a time locked in your cabin, reading can be a truly rewarding and enriching experience. Be sure to purchase the complete works of Kafka, Sarte, Dostoyevsky, and other motivational authors to cheer you up during those long winter nights.

 

BUY SEVERAL DOZEN AREA RUGS AND STORE THEM IN A CLOSET

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No one except obsessive-compulsive freaks enjoys cleaning. When the floors in your cabin become so disgusting that even you cannot stand them, area rugs are the answer. Simply place rugs down in the worst areas to cover any rodent droppings or vegetative debris that might have been tracked in. This should allow you to delay cleaning the place for at least a couple of more months.

 

STOCKPILE ENOUGH WEAPONS AND AMMUNITION TO OUTFIT A BRIGADE OF ISIS TERRORISTS

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Remember the Boy Scout motto! Always be prepared for a race war or the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Purchase as many weapons and as much ammo as you can possibly afford. Bury caches of guns in drums full of cosmoline around your property just in case you need them 30 years from now. Don’t worry about pesky federal firearms statutes. An RPG or fully automatic crew served machine gun can come in handy when fighting off IRS agents.

 

HANG BIZARRE AND OFFENSIVE WORKS OF ART ON YOUR WALLS TO INTIMIDATE UNWANTED GUESTS

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Be sure to purchase some animal skulls, swastikas, and creepy, disturbing artwork for your new cabin. Nothing works better for making visitors feel uncomfortable and a little threatened. After all, who wants unexpected visits from blood-sucking relatives or those pesky LDS cretins?

 

CLEAN DISHES AND UTENSILS AT LEAST ONCE PER QUARTER

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Clean your dishes and eating utensils when you are able to fit it into your busy schedule. Your canine’s mouth is cleaner than your own, so Fido can help with this onerous chore. Don’t be a pussy about using dirty plates! Always remember that microorganisms that don’t kill you make you stronger.

 

BUY A PET MONKEY

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Subhuman primates make great companions for those who spend most of their time barricaded behind high fences, inside compounds or in creaky wooden structures. They are very useful for the removal of lice from hard-to-reach places on your body. Also, a chimp can make a very erudite companion for those long winter months spent trapped inside your shack.

 

SUPPORT FRACKING IN YOUR AREA

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If giant oil and gas companies move into your area and begin fracking operations, don’t be alarmed. Poisoned groundwater supplies offer some real upsides. The rashes, boils, and running sores on your skin will eventually heal and form a tough barrier against biting insects, and sinks and bathtubs will make handy heat sources during frigid winter months. Don’t believe the hype about the deadly chemicals used in fracking; most are in fact harmless and won’t cause malignancies until years down the road, so don’t worry.

 

PLACE A BUST OF HITLER IN YOUR ENTRYWAY

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If you have workers coming in to install your acid bath or industrial sized meat grinding machine, place a large bust of Hitler in your foyer. This will encourage the workers to get the job done as quickly as possible and get the hell out of there.

 

THREATEN ANY LAW ENFORCEMENT PERSONNEL THAT HAPPEN TO VISIT YOUR CABIN

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When sheriff’s deputies finally visit your cabin because you have failed to pay property taxes for over five years, scream at them that you do not recognize the government’s right to tax its citizens and threaten to turn the entire county into “a sea of fire.” This never fails to terrify law enforcement personnel. They will quickly leave and never bother you again.

 

CHAIN VICIOUS DOGS TO TREES AT STRATEGIC POINTS IN THE WOODS AROUND YOUR CABIN

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Rescue some abused dogs that have been raised to fight. Then chain them to trees around your home. Feed them about once a week and leave them out in all types of inclement weather. They will quickly become mindless killing machines that will warn you if anything with a heartbeat comes within half a mile of your property. After all, you don’t want any curious teenagers poking about your property.

 

BE SURE TO TAKE UP A HOBBY

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In order to relieve boredom and stay sharp, be sure to take up a hobby. Beekeeping, gardening, or setting up your own meth lab in the basement of your new home could be just the trick. Remember, idle hands make idle minds, and an idle mind is the Devil’s workshop.

 

BE CAUTIOUS WHEN PURCHASING SUPPLIES IN TOWN

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When you are forced to make a trip into town to restock your supplies, adopt the persona of a homeless drunk with severe mental problems. Before leaving your cabin roll around in the compost pile and urinate on yourself several times. While you are in the grocery store, keep a low profile by carrying on conversations with imaginary space aliens and Jesus. After all, you don’t want to make any friends that would take up your precious “me” time, now do you?

 

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, TUNE TO FOX NEWS EVERY CHANCE YOU GET

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Be sure to spend every minute of free time staring at the Fox News Channel and absorbing every statement as if you were present during the Sermon on the Mount. Believe every word spoken as if Christ himself were in your living room. You will soon become convinced that President Obama is Satan incarnate and is hell bent on leading a revolt of negroes to take over the country. This will keep you on your toes and encourage you to keep your defenses in tip top condition. Remember, you never can be too careful!

 

We at the Times-Picayune hope that this excerpt from Curmudgeon has been useful to you as you set out to start a new life in the untamed wilderness. Always remember that living alone and cut off from all human contact can be a rewarding experience that will help you achieve the oddball lifestyle you have always dreamed of. We wish you the best of luck and hope that you are in good physical condition as you can forget about ever dialing 911 again for the rest of your miserable life.

Jesus Vehemently Denies Torture Allegations

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

jesusmachinegun

ROME, ITALY (CT&P) – After a meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican earlier today, Jesus paused to speak with reporters regarding recent torture allegations made by the American Family Association’s Director of Issues Analysis and borderline psychopath Bryan Fischer. Jesus flatly denied that he supported torture in way whatsoever.

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Jesus told reporters that although he was against torture, having been a victim of it himself, he fully supported “no-knock” warrants made legal by the Patriot Act

“I just want to make it clear that I do not support torture in any of its many forms,” said the Prince of Peace. “This is about the millionth time I’ve had to correct that idiot Fischer. I really don’t know why all you talking monkeys continue to listen to him.”

The controversy erupted earlier this week when Fischer defended the CIA’s use of torture, saying that liberals “would drag the Bible’s heroes before the courts at Nuremberg and charge them with crimes against humanity” and suggesting on his radio program that Jesus would support the use of torture in a time of war.

Fischer went on to rant that “Christianity is not a pacifist religion. The God that we serve is described in Exodus 15 as a ‘man of war.’ Now we often think of gentle Jesus, meek and mild, but let’s not forget, according to Romans 19:13, when he comes back … he will be riding a white horse and wearing his own robe, dipped in blood. That is a robe that is worn by a warrior who is inflicting casualties on the foe. So this is gentle Jesus, meek and mild; when we comes back, his robe is going to be dipped in blood because he too is a warrior.”

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Jesus said that Fischer was also wrong about “the whole white horse thing” as he had long since traded the horse in for a Messiahraptor

Jesus seemed surprised that in this day and age anyone would listen to someone who has such a tenuous grip on reality.

“What is it about ‘turn the other cheek’ that this bigoted imbecile does not understand? Anyone who actually believes the tripe coming out of Fischer’s mouth needs to have his head examined,” said the Lord of Light. “This guy is literally brimming with hatred for just about anyone except straight white males over the age of 65. Frankly, I’m surprised that the son of a bitch has not been committed.”

Jesus was in Rome attending meetings with Pope Francis and a group of architects reviewing Heavenly expansion plans after Francis reduced entry requirements, allowing millions of pets to gain access to the Pearly Gates.

 

Rubio Pledges To Stamp Out Progress “Wherever It Rears Its Ugly Head”

Posted in politics, religion by

marco-rubio-vp

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -At a hurriedly called press conference somewhere in the bowels of Cretonia earlier today, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), a Catholic, criticized Pope Francis after the pontiff played a key role in helping the United States and Cuba forge an agreement that resulted in the release of American Alan Gross from Cuba.

Rubio said he would “ask His Holiness to take up the cause of freedom and democracy.”

The pompous ass junior senator from Cretonia who intends to school His Holiness was speaking in response to the White House’s announcement about talks to normalize relations with Cuba after a nearly 50-year embargo with the country.

Marco Rubio (R-Buffoon):: Obstructionist Republican Clown

Rubio spoke to reporters while in route to his part-time job as a carnival clown at Disneyworld

The pope played a pivotal role through personal appeals to President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro to help the two countries forge an agreement for the release of Gross, Obama announced on Wednesday.

Rubio is set to play a major role in Cuba policy as the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations subcommittee on Western Affairs, and he noted Wednesday some of Congress’ leverage points, such as funding for embassies and nomination of a U.S. ambassador to Cuba.

“I’m committed to doing everything I can to unravel as many of these changes as possible,” Rubio said.

When asked just what the hell he was talking about, Rubio replied “As I have said many times before, I’m no scientist and usually have no fucking clue what I’m talking about, regardless of the subject. However, for decades now our policy concerning Cuba has been held hostage by a tiny minority living in and around Miami. I see no reason to make any changes to that policy at this time. Cuban ex pats and their offspring make up an important voting bloc for us Republicans, to say nothing of their generous donations to our campaigns. I’m certainly not going to let them down by agreeing to a policy that could be good for the U.S. and Cuba as well.”
Rubio continued, “As a Republican I am against all forms of progress and change, and I will do my best to stamp out any change I see in any policy regarding anything at all.”
When asked to clarify his comments regarding the Pope Rubio said “This Pope is far too compassionate and helpful to be an ally of the Republican Party. They really need to get someone with experience in that position.”

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Drone Strike”

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

drone1

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, let your heart be light

From now on our victims will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, make the Yuletide gay

From now on our pilots will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of gore

Faithful rebels who were dear to us, are not near to us anymore

Through the years we all will be together, if the courts allow

Hang a bloody corpse upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little drone strike now

ISLAMABAD-As Christmas Day approaches and millions of Americans are celebrating the birth of Christ by purchasing presents from Walmart, our military marked the occasion by obliterating a few suspected militants in Yemen and North Waziristan. Although administration officials declined comment on the strikes, we managed to reach General Jack Ripper USAF (Ret) for his thoughts on the matter.

Iraqi Freedom

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like a series of massive bombs detonating right in the middle of a wedding procession!

“It has become a sort of Christmas tradition,” said General Ripper. “The holidays are the perfect time to hit the enemy because we can target weddings and other gatherings during the slow news cycle back home. Most Americans are more concerned with the mythical “War on Christmas” than with innocent people being vaporized in the name of democracy. Drone strikes are great because they are the most cost-effective way to provoke the locals and swell the ranks of our terrorist opponents. If we face growing numbers of terrorists then it is much easier to justify a bloated defense budget and intrusive information-gathering programs.”

jackdripper

General Ripper spoke to us from a private suite in the psychiatric wing of Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland

General Ripper continued, “These savages living in mud huts thousands of miles away constitute a clear and present danger to our way of life and our republic, and the startling truth is that there are at least a few dozen of them. Furthermore, these guys are believed to be the masterminds behind the evil worldwide plot to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids,” said Ripper. “Our nation is a righteous one founded on Christian principles, chosen by God and Jesus to lead the free world, and if we have to blow up the rest of the globe to prove it, then by God that’s what we’re gonna do!” General Ripper had to end our phone interview at that point because it was time for the night nurse to distribute medication.

Pakistani and Yemeni government officials have protested the drone strikes as being counter-productive, saying they serve only to provoke lunatic religious fanatics. They have advised citizens living in tribal areas that during traditional infidel holidays a trip to a large town may be in order, and all New Year’s Eve celebrations should be held in caves deep underground.