Author Archives: jerrydickerson8

Frustrated By Debate Fiasco, Florida Governor Rick Scott Attacks And Devours Giant Alligator On Outskirts Of Everglades

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rick55

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Sources close to the Scott campaign told our intrepid reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the governor killed and consumed a large alligator during the drive home to Tallahassee after the debate last week.

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This marks the second time Governor Scott has eaten an alligator while in office. The first time was at a party celebrating his executive order slashing aid to poor families in the state.

Apparently Scott demanded that the campaign bus, the “Python Express,” stop on the outskirts of the Everglades, whereupon he tore off his clothing, leaped from the vehicle and disappeared into the scrub. Efforts to stop the governor were met with threatening posturing and loud hissing from Scott.

“It was really terrifying,” said an aide who wished to remain anonymous. “He coiled up and was ready to strike anyone who tried to stop him. We were able to follow him for a while because of that unearthly glow given off by his scales when he gets excited, but we eventually had to stop when he reached a swampy area teeming with alligators.”

The aide reported that the next morning a stuffed and lethargic Scott was found sunning himself on the median of the interstate.

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Scott’s diet is not limited to other reptiles. His wife Ann still mourns the disappearance of Reagan, a yellow lab the family adopted in 2010. Reagan disappeared during a party celebrating tax breaks Scott gave to huge corporations doing business in the state.

“It took six of us to pick him up and put him back on the bus,” said the unnamed aide. “He was quite content to nap for most of the trip home while he was absorbing the enormous reptile.”

Apparently Scott’s diet is not limited to other reptiles. Sources say that Scott is an opportunist and somewhat of a scavenger. Visitors have noted the complete absence of any wildlife around the governor’s mansion and Scott’s guard detail has to continually replace Alsatians listed as “missing and presumed dead.”

Melissa Sellers, Scott’s campaign manager, told reporters that now that the governor has fed, he should be able to devote all of his time to being reelected.

“He won’t need to feed again for approximately six weeks,” said Sellers. “By that time the race will be decided and he can be returned to his enclosure. He won’t pose a threat to anyone for quite some time.”

 

Finalists Announced For This Year’s NAZI Stormtrooper Of The Year Award

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nazisssss

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – The five finalists have been announced for the coveted NAZI Stormtrooper of the Year Award. The award is given each year to the SWAT team or individual law enforcement officer who, in the opinion of the judges, perpetrates the most heinous atrocity on an innocent American citizen during a drug raid or traffic stop. The award is sponsored by the Peace Officers Malevolent League, the National Association of Corrupt Prosecutors, the Bribable Judges Guild, and the Sadistic Souls Motorcycle Club of Brighton, Illinois.

This year the awards ceremony will take place in Atlanta because of the high number of abominations carried out by officers representing that great state. The winner of this year’s competition is expected to be announced sometime this week.

Below you will find a brief synopsis of each raid and subsequent barbaric obscenity being considered by the panel of judges.

1. The Phonesavanh Family, Habersham County, Georgia

In Cornelia, Georgia on May 28—narcotics officers carried out a paramilitary no-knock SWAT raid at 3 AM at the home of Alecia Phonesavanh. The person they were looking for, Phonesavanh’s nephew Wanis Thonetheva, was suspected of making a $50 methamphetamine sale. Thonetheva, however, didn’t even live in Phonesavanh’s home and was nowhere to be found during the raid. But Phonesavanh’s 19-month-old toddler, Bounkham “Bou Bou” Phonesavanh, was home. After breaking down the door of the Phonesavanh home, one of the officers tossed a flashbang grenade—which landed in the baby’s crib, exploded and caused the toddler extensive injuries (including severe burns, disfigurement and hole in his chest that exposed his ribs). No drugs were found in the home, and Wanis Thonetheva was subsequently arrested later without incident.

To make matters worse, Habersham County officials announced in August that the county would not be giving the Phonesavanh family any assistance with the baby’s huge medical expenses. And the fact that members of the SWAT team escaped criminal charges on October 6 only encourages militarized narcotics officers to continue endangering the public.

2. David Hooks, East Dublin, Georgia

In September, methamphetamine addict Rodney Garrett confessed to stealing an SUV from the home of 59-year-old David Hooks, an East Dublin, Georgia resident who owned a construction company. Garrett claimed that he found a bag of meth in the vehicle, and the Laurens County Sheriff’s Department obtained a warrant for a no-knock raid on Hooks’ home. When the SWAT team broke into Hooks’ house on September 23, Hooks—according to attorney Mitchell Shook, who is representing Hooks’ widow—thought he was being robbed again and grabbed a gun to defend himself, although Shook said Hooks’ didn’t actually fire it. At least 16 shots were fired by the SWAT team, killing Hooks instantly. Shook told reporters, “There is no evidence that David Hooks ever fired a weapon.”

No drugs were found in the home during a 44-hour search. And there was no evidence that Hooks had any involvement in drug trafficking apart from the dubious claims of a confessed meth addict and car thief.

3. Jason Westcott, Tampa, Florida

Militarized police are a hazard all over the United States, but progressive talk radio host/attorney Mike Papantonio has said more than once that militarized police in the Deep South (who he describes as “Dixieland stormtroopers”) are especially toxic. And the Dixieland stormtroopers were feeling very trigger-happy when, on May 27, a SWAT team in Tampa, Florida carried out a no-knock raid on the home of 29-year-old Jason Westcott (who narcotics officers suspected of selling marijuana). Westcott, who evidently believed he was being robbed, grabbed his gun—and he was killed when the SWAT team opened fire. Officers found about two dollars worth of marijuana in the house.

4. Larry Lee Arman, St. Paul, Minnesota

There have been many examples of militarized narcotics officers killing pet dogs during drug raids, and the two dogs that St. Paul, Minnesota resident Larry Lee Arman owned were shot and killed when a SWAT team carried out a no-knock drug raid on his home onJuly 9. Although Arman acknowledges that he is a recreational marijuana user, he has vehemently denied any involvement in drug trafficking—and the only items found during the raid were a glass bong and marijuana remnants in a metal grinder. Camille Perry, Arman’s girlfriend, was present during the raid and said that she feared for the lives of her children. “The only thing I was thinking was my kids were going to get hit by bullets,” Perry told Minneapolis’ KMSP-TV. But gratefully, their children—unlike Bounkham “Bou Bou” Phonesavanh—were not injured.

5. Lillian Alonzo, Manchester, New Hampshire

Journalist Radley Balko (author of Rise of the Warrior Cop: The Militarization of America’s Police Forces) has often said that when paramilitary weapons are used in connection with investigations for nonviolent offenses, the chances of innocent people being injured escalate. That happened in Manchester, New Hampshire on August 27, when members of the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) raided the apartment of 49-year-old Lilian Alonzo.

Although two of her daughters, Johanna Nunez and Jennifer Nunez, were suspects in the investigation, Alonzo herself was not a suspect—and neither of them lived with her. During the raid, the unarmed Alonzo was picking up a baby when two shots were fired; one of them went through her left arm and entered her left ribcage (30 stitches were needed). No drugs were found in Lilian Alonzo’s apartment.

Honorable Mention

Dwayne Perry, Cartersville, Georgia

In Cartersville, Georgia, state narcotics officers acted like soldiers in Fallujah, Al Anbar when, in early October, they invaded the back yard of Dwayne Perry. Flying overhead in a helicopter, they were searching for marijuana plants and thought they spotted some in Perry’s yard. The officers, weapons drawn, invaded the yard with a K-9 unit. But what they thought were marijuana plants turned out to be okra plants. Perry told WSB-TV: “I was scared…….They were strapped to the gills. Anything could have happened.”

 

 

Nation In Mourning As Dallas Residents Released From Quarantine

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BoehnerJohnCrying

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Across the country conservatives from all walks of life donned black and lit candles today as 43 residents of Dallas, Texas were released from quarantine after showing no signs of Ebola three weeks after possible exposure to the deadly virus.

Health officials said that 43 of the 48 initial contacts of Ebola victim Thomas Eric Duncan are free to resume their lives after 21 days of isolation.

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Speaker Boehner told reporters that President Obama had carefully crafted his West Africa policy so that every American would eventually be infected with at least one type of hemorrhagic fever.

And while Dallas officials celebrated the milestone, they pleaded with the community not to stigmatize the people returning to their normal routines.

“There is zero risk that any of those people who have been marked off the list have Ebola,” Dallas County Judge Clay Jenkins said at a news conference. “They were in contact with the person who had Ebola and the time period for them to get Ebola has lapsed.

“They are people who need our compassion our respect and our love,” Jenkins added. “Treat them the way you would want your own family treated if you were in their place and they were in yours.”

Jenkins called the reintegration process a “defining moment” and urged Dallas residents to trust the science behind their recommendations.

“We have to believe in science,” Jenkins said. “That’s what separates us from other mammals.”

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Fox News pundits were quick to point out that we can never really trust the CDC, scientists, or the laws of nature and that a major outbreak of Ebola was just around the corner.

In response, Speaker of the House John Boehner called his own press conference and insisted that there was no real difference between Republicans and any other mammal that roams the planet living in fear of things it does not understand.

A tearful Boehner told journalists that “Many times I’ve tilted my head in confusion when I just could not comprehend certain concepts like gay marriage, climate change, or equal pay for women, and I’ve seen my dog do the very same thing when he hears a strange sound, so I really don’t know what Jenkins is talking about.”

Senator Lindsey Graham, who began self-flagellating on the steps of the Capitol when he heard the news, wholeheartedly agreed.

“Since when have we Republicans ever listened to scientists about anything? This whole Ebola thing is part of the Benghazi-ISIS-Obamacare conspiracy to kill every single American, and I won’t rest until the whole country is just as terrified as I am!”

Pundits from both Fox and CNN paused briefly during ISIS doomsday coverage long enough to remind America that although the Ebola crisis in Dallas appears to be contained for the time being, it could always defy the laws of physics and crop up all over the country at once, causing millions of deaths. Dr. Keith Ablow of Fox reminded viewers that of Ebola didn’t kill us all, a huge asteroid could wipe us out any minute anyway, so by far the best thing to do is to live in abject fear for the rest of our lives.

Poll Finds Old Wet Hens Are Optimistic About America’s Future

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wethen

WASHINGTON (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll released this morning indicates that old wet hens are more optimistic about America’s future than 90% of politicians currently running for office.

The poll was taken on October 18 immediately after an intense thunderstorm and represents the feelings of over a dozen elderly free-range hens in the backwoods of North Carolina. The poll results were then compared to a similar poll taken on October 15th of politicians currently running for office.

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Zebrus Maximus, seen here with three of the hens polled, told researchers that “Hell, I thought living with 12 women in the same coop was tough. I think I’d have to drown myself in the watering trough if I had to be around politicians all the time.” Zebrus does morning drive-time traffic for WCOK in Murphy.

The data clearly shows that 9 out of 10 wet hens are either “very” or “somewhat” optimistic about America’s future over the next two decades, with the remaining 10% of hens being “cautiously” optimistic.

By comparison, 80% of the politicians who were polled felt that the fabric of American society is sure to “torn asunder” or “ripped apart” over the next 10-20 years, with the result being a “dystopian hellscape” similar to what now exists in the state of Florida. The remaining 20% of pols predict a slower, more gradual descent into chaos that over the next fifty years will reduce western civilization to roving bands of survivors eating out of date dog food.

Both major parties were pessimistic about America’s chances to survive, but in general Republicans predict a more rapid demise than their counterparts on the other side of the aisle.

Reasons given for the imminent collapse of the United States include Ebola, ISIS, gay marriage, and Obamacare for the Republicans, and climate change, genetically modified organisms, voter ID laws, and wheat gluten for the Democrats.

“I personally cannot see how most Americans can stand to watch these idiot politicians on television,” said Andrew Kohut, founding director of the Pew Research Center. “The only thing that keeps those hens sane and happy is the fact that they don’t have cable. I threw away my television years ago and advise everyone else in America to do the same.”

 

 

 

 

Carnival Cruise Lines Announces Ebola Virus To Be Added To Water Supply Aboard Select Vessels

Posted in entertainment, health and fitness, health care, humor by
cruisecarnival

Ebola will be added to the drinking water supply of Ecstasy’s sister ship the Agony beginning in early 2015

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held in Miami last night, Carnival Cruise Lines announced that a particularly virulent strain of the Ebola virus will be added to the toxic cocktail of viruses, bacteria, medical waste, and spent nuclear fuel rods already present in the holding tanks of some of its ships.

The virus will be added first to Carnival’s Survivor Class of vessels that have become so popular with doomsday preppers, Alaskan homesteaders, survivalists, and other nuts who want to test their mettle against whatever nature has to throw at them.

cruiseship

Carnival’s Survivor Class vessels are often older and have few of the amenities available aboard their other ships

The line of Survivor Class vessels consist mostly of older, barely seaworthy ships that have little or no medical support staff. They normally travel five to seven days out of Miami to a deserted island populated only with Komodo dragons and huge vampire bats that dwell deep within the island’s extensive underground cave complex.

Passengers are treated to free food and drink on the way out while being exposed to a wide variety of deadly pathogens and an unusually high level of ionizing radiation emanating from spent nuclear fuel rods stored in the hull of each ship. The passengers are then dumped on the island with the only medical care provided by a witch doctor and two cannibal nurses from New Guinea. Those who survive for a week or longer are then picked up and transported back to the mainland where they are given various awards at a gala party on South Beach.

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After a week on the desert island, whose whereabouts remain a mystery, most passengers are eager to be reunited with loved ones on the mainland. One passenger described the adventure as a trip to a “dystopian hellscape.” “It was like visiting Florida during an election,” he said.

Carnival’s spokesman Captain William Bligh told reporters that the company will monitor the results of the additional virus before adding it to Carnival’s remaining ships, which are already teeming with waterborne pathogens such as the Norwalk virus, E. coli, Clostridium botulinum, and Salmonella typhi, just to name a few.

“We want to build on the success we had last year when we introduced Enterobius vermicularis to our Disney Class vessels, which cater to families with kids,” said Captain Bligh. “As you know E. vermicularis causes peri-anal itching, hyperactivity, nervous irritability, and insomnia. It was a big hit with our customers who want to educate their kids about what life has in store for them.”

The cruise line is currently in negotiation with a group of renegade ex-Soviet scientists and is hopeful that weaponized anthrax, smallpox, and bubonic plague can be added to the toxic sludge now present in the water supply of their beautiful ships.

 

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott Temporarily Misplaces His Mind

Posted in humor, politics by

rick55

TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Governor of Cretonia and part-time Aztec snake god Rick Scott temporarily lost his mind Wednesday night during a debate with challenger Charlie Crist. Scott’s irrational and confused state apparently stemmed from an argument over a fan that Crist had placed at his feet in order to keep him cool during the proceedings.

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Scott is widely believed to be a reincarnation of Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Aztec snake god

The debate was delayed for around seven minutes while organizers tried to convince Scott to take the stage and much of the audience cat-called and booed the Governor.

“Scott stomped his foot repeatedly and refused to come on stage for what seemed like an eternity,” said Patty Pollywog, one of the debate’s organizers. “Scott called the fan ‘an electric talisman,’ that could be used to coach Crist. He told us he had heard voices emanating from the fan during previous debates and said that ‘contact with the Great Beyond was strictly forbidden during political appearances.'”

“We finally convinced him to carry on after explaining to him that the fan only evened the odds. Everyone knows that Crist, being a mammal, needed to stay cool under the hot klieg lights on stage, whereas a cold-blooded reptile like Scott would naturally warm up and become more alert and active with the heat.”

Scott finally relented under pressure and the debate went on as planned.

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Governor Scott told a horrified audience that the human sacrifices could be combined with appearances by popular musicians such as Kenny G in order to draw more tourists to the state

Scott seemed to be holding his own until late in the debate when he advocated offering human sacrifices to the sun in order to make sure it rose every day over Florida’s beautiful beaches. He told the audience that an almost endless supply of victims could be found within Florida’s ridiculously overcrowded prison system.

“It would be a real honor for those folks, and they would finally serve some purpose in society and be guaranteed revered status in the Underworld after what would be a particularly savage and painful death,” said Scott.

Scott explained that he was sure that there would be no shortage of law enforcement personnel willing to serve as priests and a series of giant pyramids or ziggurats could be built up and down the coast of Florida where the unfortunate prisoners could have their organs removed on a daily basis.

“Think of the tourist trade,” said Scott. “We would be flooded with visitors from all over the world, and the amount of money we would save not having to house and feed non-violent offenders would be enormous!”

Florida Gov. Crist Visits NOAA's Hurricane Center

Crist, a member of the Boehneris orangicus family of mammals, was crowned winner of Wednesday night’s debate by most pundits

Scott went on to explain that the savings would be used to set up a trust fund that would be used to teach remedial English, math, and science courses to probation officers and other under-educated citizens of Florida.

“It would be a win-win proposition for everyone in the state,” concluded Scott, whose scales had begun to luminesce an unearthly green.

Thankfully at that point aides dragged the glowing Scott offstage and cooled him off with a mobile refrigeration unit kept on hand for that very purpose.

Pundits have generally given Crist the victory in the debate, although some of his ideas such as providing free tanning salons to the state’s less fortunate citizens did raise some eyebrows.

 

 

White House Appoints Brick Top New Surgeon General

Posted in health care, humor, politics by

Brick-Top-Snatch-1

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a meeting with health officials at the White House this morning, President Obama has announced that Brick Top will be appointed to assume the post of Surgeon General of the United States.

The last appointee, Dr. Vivek Murthy, failed to be confirmed by Congress after a smear campaign organized by the NRA and right-wing propaganda outlets such as Fox News. However, the White House apparently feels that Brick Top will sail through the confirmation process because he has files on every member of Congress and knows “where the bodies are buried.”

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Brick Top told reporters he had been “taken aback” by the poor quality of Ebola reporting on cable outlets. “In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary…come again? Did you guys even pass a 6th grade science class?”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that Brick Top was chosen because of his innate ability “to get things done in a timely and efficient manner, regardless of the situation.”

“Brick Top knows how to cut through red tape…and flesh and bone for that matter,” said Earnest. “The President is frankly sick to death of all the hysteria being spread by imbecile pundits on cable outlets regarding the Ebola situation, and he wanted to appoint someone who could silence the critics and put this thing to bed.”

“Did you know there is even a conspiracy theory making the rounds that the CDC is lying to the public regarding transmission of the disease? I tell you guys, there is no shortage of stupid in this country. After he takes care of this crisis, the President is thinking of putting Brick Tip in charge of a complete overhaul of the Department of Education so we can at least come up to Third World standards.”

After Earnest was finished Brick Top came to the podium to make a few remarks.

“I want everyone in this room to understand who is in charge now,” said Brick Top. “I don’t want any criticism from you or your ilk about my methods or how the CDC is handling this matter. If I hear one more muttonheaded story on Fox News or CNN, I can assure you that you will be paid a visit by one of my boys. For you new guys, crossing me will win you a tour of my pig farm.”

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Brick Top made it quite clear that anyone trumpeting any more hysterical conspiracy theories would be a “guest of honor” at his pig farm in rural Maryland

The new Surgeon General then gave a detailed description of just what a tour of his pig farm meant…

“You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.

For the first time in history there were no follow-up questions from the White House Press Corps.

 

Feds Advise Potential Ebola Victims To Avoid Contracting The Disease In Dallas

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Director of the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta Dr. Tom Frieden advised anyone who was thinking of contracting Ebola to do so “just about anywhere other than Dallas.”

Dr. Frieden addressed the press while on a lunch break at a Mexican restaurant on Buford Highway.

“I would like to strongly advise those who are considering exposing themselves to blood, feces, or any bodily fluid from an Ebola patient to do so in Atlanta or in another major city that has competent medical personnel,” said Frieden. “If I were thinking of contracting the disease I would definitely steer clear of Texas in general and Dallas in particular.”

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Dr. Frieden advised Americans that if they planned to contract Ebola to at least do it in a state where the governor can find his ass with both hands.

When asked why he was issuing the warning, Dr. Frieden slammed a bean burrito down his gullet and replied, “Look, those idiots in Dallas were the ones who let that dude run around the city unchecked for days before he was hospitalized. They also don’t seem to be able to follow simple protocol or safety measures. They are currently 0-1 when it comes to fighting the virus, and we here in Atlanta are so far 2-0 on the season. Who would you rather have treating you?”

Dr. Frieden was also asked about Bill O’Reilly’s demand that he should resign in disgrace because of the current panic over Ebola’s appearance in the U.S.

“That pompous cretin represents the very people who cut our funding almost 50% and then he has the balls to turn around and criticize us for something that, given the anemic response to the outbreak, was inevitable. He is the very definition of a horse’s ass. Can you imagine what it would be like to work for that asshole? I feel sorry for the bastards who have to tolerate him on a daily basis. I’d rather be exposed to smallpox.”

Dr. Frieden went on to say that he “would resign just as soon as O’Reilly receives a degree in epidemiology”, which given the Fox News pundit’s low IQ, would be sometime shortly after hell freezes over.

 

 

 

gov can’t find ass with both hands

Actor Ben Affleck To Undergo Surgery On Thursday

Posted in humor, politics, religion by
affleck

A pensive Affleck reflects on what it must be like to be as intelligent as Sam Harris

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Ben Affleck is scheduled to have major surgery on Thursday to have his head removed from his ass in what doctors are calling “a last-ditch effort” to save the actor’s credibility. Affleck’s affliction, Colonhead Syndrome, has been spreading rapidly throughout the liberal landscape and has perverted the normally progressive and enlightened thinking of its victims.

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Affleck’s condition is said to extremely grave. Doctors are hopeful that he can be cured, as he is normally a lucid defender of liberal ideals and values.

Other prominent personalities currently suffering from the syndrome include journalist Glenn Greenwald and scholar Reza Aslan, author of the book Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, an insightful work he completed before falling victim to the dread disease.

Symptoms of the syndrome include an inability to think clearly, failure to grasp nuanced arguments, and violent knee-jerk reactions when anyone criticizes any religion other than Christianity or Judaism. Irrational reactions have been observed to be particularly virulent when anyone dares to criticize Islam, with sufferers accusing the offending party of being a Neolithic Islamophobe, or a “genocidal fascist maniac.”

No one realized the extent of Affleck’s grave condition until his appearance on Bill Maher’s show Real Time last week. Affleck got into a heated debate with his host as well as Sam Harris, Maher’s featured guest, over the tenets of Islam and how the U.S. should deal with the murderous thugs from ISIS as well other bands of religious freaks who are bent on slaughtering all those who disagree with their interpretation of the Quran.

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Colonhead Syndrome is in the same family of afflictions as Horse’s Ass Disease, an ailment most commonly suffered by Fox News pundits.

Harris had little time to respond to Affleck’s ponderous criticisms because one symptom of Colonhead Syndrome is diarrhea of the mouth, which Affleck displayed during the entire show. Maher did his best to convince Affleck that Islam is as Harris put it, “the motherload of bad ideas” in the modern world, but he was having none of it, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Dr. John Bigboote and Dr. John Smallberries of Yoyodyne Laboratoris will lead the surgical team who will attempt to remove Affleck’s head from his colon on Thursday.

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Sadly, medical science has yet to come up with a treatment for many other diseases, such as the aptly named Dumb-As-A-Stump Disorder making the rounds on the far right.

“The team is hopeful that the surgery will be a success,” said Dr. Bigboote. “Greenwald and Aslan are clearly beyond all hope, but we think Affleck has a chance to lead a relatively normal life after we operate. We have had success in similar circumstances last year when we removed the entire upper torso from one climate change denier’s ass.”

“It would be a damn shame to lose Affleck, as he is normally so articulate and passionate when it comes to righteous causes,” continued Bigboote. “After all, to paraphrase Bill Maher, we are all liberals, and not a bunch of ignorant Tea Baggers. We should be able to debate the issues without resorting to their patented brand of intransigence and hysteria.”

The surgery is scheduled to take place at Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems’ headquarters in Grover’s Mill, N.J. at around 3 PM Eastern. It will be televised on MSNBC and the program will be hosted by Katie Couric, an expert on all things colon.

 

 

 

 

 

Obama To Introduce More Deadly Infectious Diseases To U.S. Beginning In January

Posted in humor, politics by

Obama-Angry

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Hoping to build on the successful introduction of Ebola last month, the Administration secretly plans to introduce a wide variety of deadly infectious diseases into the United States over the coming year, according to Fox News dullard Sean Hannity.

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Dr. Mobley, who has been treated in the past for paranoid schizophrenia, is seen here trying to buy a one way ticket to a remote research facility in Antarctica

On Wednesday’s show Hannity once again trotted out the unstable conspiracy theorist Dr. Gil Mobley, who told Hannity’s mortified viewers that it’s “absolutely inevitable” the U.S. will be “importing Ebola and other lethal viruses on an hourly basis come next spring.”

“It’s all part of Obama’s plan to destroy the United States and leave the country in smoking ruins by the time his presidency comes to an end in 2016,” said Hannity. “Ebola is already completely out of control here in the United States, and God help us if it gets a toehold in Central America.”

Hannity claimed “a top U.S. commander” is warning that if Ebola breaks out in Central America, we’ll be overrun with contagious brown-skinned immigrants “It’s literally, Katy, bar the door,” Hannity said, supposedly quoting that “top U.S. commander.”

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After being told that Delta no longer offered direct flights to Antarctica, Dr. Mobley enlisted the help of a friendly airport employee in an attempt to figure out where the hell he parked his ambulance.

Mobley called the Central American scenario “very real.” He went on to say, “They say it’s hard to catch but you tell that to the NBC cameraman that caught it from a car.”

Mobley went on to explain that contrary to all the scientific evidence ever gathered on Ebola and other viruses that cause hemorrhagic fever, the deadly disease could be contracted by coming into contact with inanimate objects and various modes of transport such as automobiles, buses, airplanes, and even interplanetary mother ships piloted by aliens.

“The best thing people can do is to dig an expedient shelter in the ground somewhere around their home, and stay there indefinitely,” said Mobley. “I have plans on my web site for such shelters, complete with home-made latrines and running water, provided you have a stream or river running through the middle of your neighborhood. The plans are only $24.99, and all you need is a shovel, a low IQ, and a maniacal, obsessive hatred of the President and black folks in general in order to get the job done.”

Hannity was unclear as to just how the conspiracy was hatched, but was very specific as to when it was put in motion.

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Hannity told his viewers that although the Antichrist Obama had been held at bay so far by brave members of the Tea Party and various other unhinged organizations, this latest conspiracy would spell doom for life as we know it in America

“Benghazi was the first act in this apocalyptic play,” said Hannity. “Obama, with the help of Hillary Clinton, sacrificed one of our ambassadors in order to throw us off the trail, and the heinous plan worked to perfection. That idiot Darrell Issa swallowed it hook, line and sinker.”

Hannity went on to say that the Administration planned to start off small with the introduction of Rift Valley Fever in January, but planned on cranking up the pressure later in the spring with weaponized Bubonic Plague and smallpox sprayed from drones circling the American heartland. The home-grown terror campaign would be topped off next summer with the delivery of anthrax laden hot dog buns to every grocery store in the U.S. prior to the July 4th holiday.

When contacted for comment on Hannity’s hysterical revelations, White House spokesman Josh Earnest told the New York Times “It never ceases to amaze me that anyone takes anything they hear on Fox News seriously. I suppose it is a sad testament to the woeful state of public education in this country.”

In response, Hannity later told his radio listeners “See, they’re denying it all! That’s a sure sign that I’m right on the money about this whole thing! We’re all doomed, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it!”