Author Archives: jerrydickerson8

TSA On High Alert As Obama Administration Unveils Useless And Ineffective New Ebola Screening At Airports

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tsa

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In response to the near hysterical ravings of pundits on both Fox and CNN regarding the single confirmed Ebola case in the country, and the resulting abject panic shown by weaker-minded American citizens, the U.S. government will begin screening passengers arriving at five airports from West African countries affected by the Ebola outbreak, the White House announced this afternoon.

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Earnest wanted reporters to assure the traveling public that TSA personnel were already taking time out from feeling-up attractive female passengers to look for anyone bleeding from the nose, ears, or mouth.

The five airports – John F. Kennedy International in New York, Newark, Chicago O’Hare, Atlanta and Washington Dulles—account for 94 percent of the passengers arriving each day from Liberia, Sierra Leone and Guinea, said White House press secretary Josh Earnest. And there are only about 150 such passengers each day at those airports, making it more feasible to screen people more intensively who come from or recently visited the affected countries.

The Liberian man who died of Ebola in Dallas, Thomas Eric Duncan, arrived from Brussels at Dulles before flying to Dallas/Fort Worth International.

“The vast majority of passengers from those countries would be subject to this additional layer of screening,” Earnest said.

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TSA officers will undergo three weeks of intensive training so that they will be able to accurately take the temperature of every arriving passenger from the hot zone.

“That will counter and has countered the spread of Ebola,” he said, adding that pre-departure screening is only part of the process. Officials at U.S. airports have already been trying to spot travelers with potential Ebola symptoms.

Screening for fever will be conducted by Customs and Border Patrol, Coast Guard and personnel from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Earnest said. And he said, the screening shouldn’t cause any “significant disruption to the broader traveling public.”

Earnest failed to say just why the hell Coast Guard personnel would be used in the airports, but experts assume that their success at keeping illegal drugs out of the country had something to do with it.

The White House Spokesman wasn’t sure if travelers with a fever would be put into quarantine. The Department of Homeland Security will provide more details on the new procedures later today.

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A source close to the CDC who wished to remain anonymous assured Fox News pundit Eric Bolling that there was really nothing to worry about and any white person who contracted the disease would receive the best medical care money could buy.

“I’m really not sure what we are going to do with someone who has a fever,” said Earnest. “It really does not matter anyway, because you don’t have to have a fever to be harboring the deadly virus.”

Duncan apparently had no fever until a few days after he arrived in Dallas, so the precautions are obviously just an attempt by the Administration to show that it is doing something, however ineffective that something may be.

Earnest conceded that there’s no way to screen people who are infected before they show symptoms — which is the point at which they become contagious.

“What we’re trying to do is quickly isolate cases of individuals who are showing symptoms” and therefore could spread the disease. “You can’t get it through the air. It’s not like the flu or catching a cold… What we’re trying to do is safeguard the global transportation infrastructure at the same time we’re protecting the American public,” said Duncan, with smirk on his face.

“Look, the main thing we are trying to do here is look good and silence the idiots on CNN and Fox who have a ten-year-old’s grasp of science and public health issues,” said Duncan, who addressed the gathering of White House journalists while dressed in a lovely violet hazmat suit.

As Earnest left the podium he encouraged everyone attending the news conference to wash their hands at least 50 times per day and lock themselves inside their homes until the crisis in West Africa has passed, which should be sometime within the next two years.

 

 

 

 

Okra Madness: Daring Police Raid In Bartow County Nets Over 10 Kilos Of High Grade Vegetables

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Cops in Bartow County Georgia made a historic seizure of premium okra on Wednesday morning. A spokesman from the Georgia Bureau of Investigation told reporters in Atlanta that over 10 kilos of high grade seed pods were seized in a pre-dawn raid conducted by a SWAT team from the Governor’s Task Force for Drug Suppression.

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Captain Kermit Stokes led the historic raid which netted over 10 kilos of high-grade okra. He called it “yet another successful operation” in the ongoing War On Drugs.

Dwayne Perry of Cartersville told WSB-TV that he was awakened by a helicopter flying low over his house Wednesday and then some heavily-armed deputies and a K-9 unit showed up at his door. They were all armed with assault weapons, shotguns and stun grenades. They told Perry “they were out looking for marijuana plants.”

What they had seen, apparently, were Perry’s okra plants and a shrub at the end of his house.

Although Perry was not arrested, the offending vegetables were taken into custody. The street value of the okra was estimated to be as high as $5000 but one must keep in mind that the estimate was made by the same idiots that value a pound of pot at 25 to 40 grand.

The okra in question was later distributed amongst the governor’s staff, influential politicians, and high-ranking law enforcement officials as is usually the case when a major bust goes down. The felonious shrub was seized and transported under armed guard to the governor’s wife to plant at their private residence.

“We’re just glad that okra never made it into the mouths of innocent kids,” said Stokes.

“Do you know how much cholesterol is in a 12 cm pod of fried okra? It’s downright scary! I can remember being force-fed boiled okra as a boy on the farm where I grew up. It was like swallowing a bowlful of slime from the creature in Alien. Disgusting!”

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Captain Stokes told reporters that “since almost every annual or perennial looks the same from 5000 feet in the air, we don’t take chances. We consider anyone who maintains a backyard garden to be a dangerous criminal that needs to be investigated thoroughly.”

“And I’ll tell you something else, okra is a precursor ingredient in the manufacture of gumbo and other highly addictive substances. They can do what they like down there in Louisiana, but we are not going stand for letting our kids eat that crap in Georgia. I mean, it’s like hot dogs…who really knows what’s in that stuff?”

Captain Stokes told reporters that although no pot or hard drugs were seized during the raid, he saw no reason to change the modus operandi of the task force.

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Last year, Captain Drake was given a medal after a raid on a white supremacist compound in south Georgia that was thought to be manufacturing methamphetamine and oddly shaped IED’s. Although the target turned out to be a cantaloupe farm owned by relatives of former Governor Jimmy Carter, the raid was hailed as “an overwhelming success.”

“Our standard operating procedure is to fly aimlessly around north and central Georgia and try to spot suspicious plants from heights anywhere from 5000 to 10,000 feet,” said Stokes. “If we see something we think is suspicious, we call in as much firepower as we can muster, including Cobra attack helicopters from the closest Georgia Air National Guard base. You just can’t be too careful because you know how violent and dangerous these potheads usually are.”

“Then we storm the property, terrorize the homeowner, and demand to know which cartel he is associated with. It really is a successful formula. Sometimes we even get to mow down a dog or blow up an infant in a crib. It’s really a rush.”

Mr. Perry, who is retired and raises vegetables strictly for his own consumption, told WSB News that “No wonder we’re losing the Drug War with idiots like these folks running around. My neighbors now refer to me as Scarface. Thank God my chihuahua Ralph was locked in the bedroom. I’m sure these morons would have seen him as “clear and present danger” and roasted him alive with a flamethrower. I intend to sue the Governor and anyone else I can.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Laura Ingraham To Be Placed In Quarantine

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Conservative media personality Laura Ingraham speaks during the inaugural Freedom Summit meeting for conservative speakers in Manchester

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Radio talk show host and Fox News pundit Laura Ingraham has been detained and will be placed in quarantine facilities in Atlanta, according to Dave Daigle, a spokesman for the CDC. The action comes only two days after Ingraham blamed President Obama for the current cases of Ebola that have cropped up in the United States.

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Ingraham has for some time exhibited signs of instability, particularly when she discusses children or refugees from foreign lands.

On Wednesday’s edition of “The Laura Ingraham Show,” the child-hating anti-immigrant pundit made some despicably naive and misleading comments about President Barack Obama’s handling of the Ebola crisis, using faulty logic: even though President George W. Bush did more for Africa, Obama’s “familial connection with Africa” and compulsion to aid the impoverished region is much more dangerous.

Ingraham wants her listeners to believe that like every other problem in the known universe, the Ebola crisis is Obama’s fault.

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According to Daigle, Ingraham will be released “as soon as she poses no threat to the general public.”

At a press conference on the steps of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, Daigle told reporters that Ingraham had exhibited symptoms of “pretzel logic, bigotry, and an inability to make any sense whatsoever” while on a national broadcast. “We just could not take the chance that Ingraham would spread the infection to her listeners,” said Daigle. “We already have enough conspiracy theory wing nuts running around the country as it is. God help us if she spreads the malady to even more dim witted Americans.”

Daigle stressed that the quarantine was “only a precaution,” and Ingraham would be placed on the same ward with Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, who were already under observation.

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Ingraham will be placed on the same ward with Sarah Palin, who is suffering from some sort of persecution complex and thinks she is being followed by dozens of spiders with human heads.

“We just want to make damn sure that this special form of idiocy doesn’t spread, and we intend to ere on the side of caution, after all, a disease that threatens our ability to reason is just as deadly as Ebola or Dengue Fever to our national well being.”

As she was being transported into the facility in a straight-jacket Ingraham screamed at reporters that she was not insane. “I always make perfect sense! I’m not crazy! This is what you get when you let illegal immigrants into the country! All those kids should be shot!”

Ingraham’s audience of over 1200 listeners are expected to take the quarantine in stride and tune into Glenn Beck instead until she is released.

 

Rogue Bear Wipes Out Hunting Party In Maine

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what Maine Department of Wildlife officials are calling the worst example of black-on-white crime in the history of the state, a large male bear has attacked and devoured a hunting party in the northern portion of the state. Only one of the group of four hunters has lived to tell the tale. He is currently in hospital being treated for wounds to both hands and his scrotum, which was partially removed during the attack.

In an interview with Bloodthirsty Redneck Hunters Magazine, 48-year-old Ronald Dullard said that the bear lured the hunters into deathtrap from which there was practically no escape.

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The unfortunate group of hunters posed for this photo shortly before they set off on their ill-fated expedition.

“We were walking through the woods just chatting and recounting past adventures in which we had slaughtered innocent deer and moose when we noticed what appeared to be a case of Budweiser sitting on a card table in the middle of a clearing,” said Dullard. “We did what any group of well-armed red-blooded American males would do and sat down and began to drink.”

What the group did not know was that they were being observed from a nearby tree stand by a very angry and agitated 600 lb black bear, bent on revenge for the wanton slaughter of his family the year before.

“As we began to fill up on this beer and nature took its course, Joe Bob got up to take a piss,” said Dullard. “He had just disappeared behind this large tree when we heard all this screaming. Turns out he had stepped into a large steel trap cleverly concealed behind the tree. We all got up to help and that’s when all hell broke loose. Billy Joe fell into a punji pit, Bobby Frank was snared and left hanging by one foot upside down, and I have to admit I was just frozen in fear, not knowing what the hell was going on.”

It was then that Dullard saw the bear calmly descend from the tree stand and slowly approach him with what seemed like a smile on his face.

“I was so scared I couldn’t move,” said Dullard. “I watched in horror as this renegade bear disemboweled my friends one by one.”

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Dullard became somewhat of a celebrity in the mid-nineties when he posed for Overweight Redneck Assholes With Guns Magazine

After the bear dispatched the immobile hunters he sauntered over to where Dullard stood wetting his pants and explained to him that unfortunately he was going to have to remove his fingers so that he would never hunt again.

“I pleaded with the bear that I had a wife and two kids that depended on me for food, but he was unmoved,” said Dullard. “He told me I should have thought of that before I came into his neighborhood bent on killing anything that moved.”

The bear then gnawed off a good portion of Dullard’s hands, and as an afterthought took a huge bite out of him in the groin area.

“The bear told me he didn’t want me to sire anymore cowardly hunters that would terrorize future generations of his offspring,” said Dullard. “Then he let me go and told me tell anyone who would listen to stay the fuck away from his patch or they would get the same treatment. It was horrifying.”

Dullard is expected to make a full recovery except for the fact that he will now have to be fitted with prosthetic hands and will have to sit down to urinate.

Investigators sent to the scene confirmed Dullard’s story down to the last detail. They found a sign written in blood and nailed to a nearby tree that read “KEEP OUT-NO FUCKING HUNTING OR I’LL GET MEDIEVAL ON YOUR ASS.”

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When last seen, the bear in question was resting comfortably at home. It seems he needed a nap after such a large and tasty meal.

Katie Hansberry, director of Mainers For Fair Bear Hunting, a group fighting to ban the baiting, trapping, and hounding of black bears, said it was high time the bears starting fighting back.

“I could not be more pleased with this turn of events,” said Hansberry. “For years lazy-ass cowardly hunters have put out bait to attract bears, trapped them in horrific steel traps reminiscent of medieval torture devices, or treed them with packs of dogs before filling them full of lead. It’s inhumane and has to be stopped.”

“It’s high time these insecure balless wonders got a taste of their own medicine. I hope every bear in North America joins in and fights for his or her right to live a happy life free from these savages. Just because a dude has a small penis it’s no damn excuse for him running around the woods on weekends murdering innocent wildlife. Screw ’em!”

Maine wildlife officials have no plans to go after the rogue bear at this time, but have taken the precaution of shortening the hunting season this year. The move has not raised any complaints from the bear hunting community because the last thing the cowards want is to put their own asses on the line by going anywhere they may feel the least bit threatened.

 

 

 

Texas Governor Rick Perry Takes Swift And Decisive Action To Contain Ebola Threat

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Texas Governor Rick Perry announced today that he had taken “swift and decisive action” to reduce the threat of an Ebola epidemic in and around the Dallas metropolitan area. “I’ve made all the hard decisions necessary to quickly nip this potential crisis in the bud,” said Governor Perry, who still maintains the fantasy that he will be one day be President.

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Governor Perry helped to round-up all hospital personnel who had come into contact with the infected man, including unfortunate filing clerks who had touched the infected patient’s records.

The crisis erupted when it became known that a Dallas man infected with Ebola went to the emergency room to report his symptoms and told a nurse that he had been to West Africa. He was told to take two aspirin, call his doctor in the morning, and sent home to enjoy a nice dinner with his family.

He returned via ambulance two days later and immediately placed in an isolation unit.

Bloomberg’s Kelly Gilblom and Michelle Fay Cortez reported that:

The two-day gap, during which the man was in the community and contagious, occurred because “regretfully, that information was not fully communicated” to other health professionals, said Mark Lester, a hospital system official speaking at a news conference in Dallas today.

“As a result, the full import of that information was not factored into the clinical decision-making,” Lester said…

This isn't the first time Governor Perry accidentally depleted his base. At a photo op in 2009 at the Sam Houston School for the Orphans of Rodeo Clowns, Perry mowed down an entire 3rd grade class with what he thought was a toy machine gun

Governor Perry insisted on personally executing the “incompetent” members of the emergency room staff that let the infected patient loose in the first place

In the Dallas case, the man was in contact with school-age children at some point after arriving in the U.S. according to Texas Governor Rick Perry, who also spoke during the news conference.

“Let me assure you that those children have been identified and imprisoned along with all those damn illegal kids from Central America,” Perry said. “This way, we kill two birds with one stone, which is a time-honored Texas tradition.”

“I’d like to remind everyone in this room that I always said those little brown kids were a threat to our well-being, and damn if it don’t turn out that I was right all along!”

According to Dr. Christopher Perkins of the Dallas Dept. of Health and Human Services, there were five people in the patient’s household  and up to 18 other individuals who came into contact with him, including five students.

Dallas health officials are concerned that one or more of the patient’s contacts may have become infected.

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Governor Perry is currently circling the skies over Dallas in a National Guard aircraft looking for individuals who may exhibit symptoms of the dread disease. Orders have been issued to all law enforcement agencies to add white people with nosebleeds to their “shoot on sight” list which already includes black male teenagers and “suspicious Mexicans.”

Dr. David Lakey, commissioner of the Texas Department of State Health Services noted at the press conference, “They now have a whole ward that’s dedicated to the care of this individual. It’s just too bad the dumb asses at the hospital ever let him roam around the community in the first place.”

“Professionals who claim to be very competent are doing it in a safe environment with compassionate care,” he said. “This is not West Africa, this is a very sophisticated city, a very sophisticated hospital, in a very sophisticated state that lets people walk around with machine guns on their back while shopping for groceries and genital wart cream. The chances of it being spread are very, very small because Governor Perry has already either imprisoned or executed anyone who could possibly have been exposed.”

As the presser was coming to a close, Governor Perry grabbed the mike and said in closing, “I’d like all the citizens of the United States to know that this whole mess could have been avoided had it not been for Obamacare. I’d also like to announce to the public that I have created a blue-ribbon commission to look into just how this unfortunate incident may be in some way related to the tragedy in Benghazi. Thank you and don’t forget to wash your hands at least 200 times a day until this crisis is over.”

Satan Strenously Denies Homosexuality Claims

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satan44

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Speaking during a press conference he called while attending the Value Voters Summit this weekend in Washington, D.C., Lucifer, Prince of Darkness and Lord of the Underworld, flatly denied accusations that he was in fact gay.

The press conference was apparently called in response to Pastor Dwight McKissic’s claims made during a speech on Saturday.

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Although he usually lurks in the shadows, Lucifer made his presence known at the conference because felt that his public support would give it a boost

During the hate-filled speech aimed at America’s gay community, the insecure and gluttonous McKissic called the gay rights movement a “Satanic” effort birthed “from the pit of Hell itself,” before suggesting “the Antichrist himself may be homosexual.”

McKissic has made news before with wild and idiotic statements, like claiming that Hurricane Katrina was “the wrath of God descended on New Orleans as payment for its many sins.” Pastor McKissic did not reveal why God waited so long to act, since New Orleans has been a din of iniquity dating back to its roots as a slave market in the early 1800’s.

Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told assembled journalists before the presser that “His Majesty felt that he needed to meet these slanderous homosexual accusations head-on and nip them in the bud.”

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Satan stressed that he has always been an advocate of traditional forms of marriage that now boast a divorce rate of nearly 50%. “I’ve always loved kids and they love me,” said the Devil. “I can’t think of a better way to win new converts than through a nasty, bitter divorce that makes kids wonder why the hell they were brought into this world in the first place.”

“I have always been a strong supporter of Focus on the Family, the American Family Association, the Family Research Council, and other Christian fascist organizations bent on turning the United States into some sort of hideous theocracy that stifles minority opinions and lifestyles in favor of their archaic and ignorant views concerning society and the future of our great nation,” said Mephistopheles.

“The Bible clearly states that homosexuals, unfaithful wives, atheists, misbehaving kids, and black teenage males should be stoned to death in the village square, and that is a policy that we demons can unequivocally support,” said Beelzebub.

“I want all my friends on the Christian Right to know that they need not worry about our continued moral and monetary support. I could not do a better job of spreading hatred against gays, immigrants, Muslims, or racial minorities if I was up here doing it myself, so keep up the good work guys!”

Pastor McKissic called his own presser in order to respond to Satan’s statements.

“Sure, the Angel of Darkness generously offered his continued support of our backward-ass and unenlightened organizations, but he never did flatly deny that he was gay,” said the Right Reverend McKissic. “I think it’s high time that Old Nick came out of his subterranean closet and showed us his true nature so voters can make informed decisions on his political future.”

The Values Voter Summit was deemed a great success by all those who participated, and many of the unhinged ideas spouted by the illustrious lineup of wingnut right-wing speakers will no doubt be incorporated into the 2016 Republican presidential platform.

 

ISIS Launches New Dating Site For Lonely Jihadists

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ISIS2

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TerroristMingle.com offers a huge selection of eligible ungulates that the amorous jihadist can meet in person before escorting him or her to the nearest bunker or escape tunnel.

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Over the last six months ISIS has proved to be on the “cutting edge” of terrorist organizations in many ways. Their use of social media as a propaganda tool, for example, is the envy of the uncivilized world. However, their latest effort outshines all of their previous projects by a long shot.

Last week Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the innovative band of degenerate religious zealots, announced the launch of a dating site that would be available for his weary and often desperate troops.

The new site is called TerroristMingle.com, and any jihadist who pledges to remain faithful unto death to ISIS’ insane doctrine will be able to take advantage of its services.

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The site offers a complete rundown of each individual’s talents and background as well as photographs of the potential lover dressed in provocative lingerie. That way, a terrorist can choose a real soul mate to spend some time with before he is incinerated by Hellfire missiles from Allied ground attack aircraft.

At a press conference held in his multi-million dollar bunker in eastern Syria al-Baghdadi (whose complete name is Ibrahim ibn Awwad ibn Ibrahim ibn Ali ibn Muhammad al-Badri al-Samarrai-who the hell thinks up this shit?) explained the thinking behind the exciting new website.

“We all know how exhausting going on jihad can be,” said al-Baghdadi.

“Raping, pillaging, robbing banks, taking airfields and capturing planes that we have no fucking clue how to fly can wear out even the most seasoned Neolithic thug. We tried to let the boys blow off steam by beheading the occasional Christian journalist, but that just exhausted them even more, so we decided to take advantage of all the livestock we’ve stolen from our fellow Muslims and set up this dating site.”

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Rumor has it that ISIS plans on opening a chain of “Udder Bars” like those that have been so successful in Damascus.

The site has proved an instant hit with over 5,000 filthy, stinking, pig-dog terrorists signing up in just the last four days. In fact, the site has been so successful that high-ranking officials in both al-Qaeda and the Taliban are scrambling to get their own dating sites up.

“We don’t want to be left in the dust like we were by all those recruiting videos on YouTube,” said Abu Akmar Muhammad Ali Skyhook, Vice President of Public Relations for Taliban Enterprises. “Some of our best fighters are fleeing the tribal areas and heading over to Iraq for a good time. We just can’t afford to lose any more subhuman monsters to those upstarts in ISIS. Otherwise, how can we perpetrate the abominations we’ve come to be famous for?”

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al-Baghdadi brushed aside criticisms from NOW and PETA that the new website is degrading to ungulate females. “Every woman has to take off her burqa sooner or later,” he said, “and remember, this is for a good cause.”

ISIS officials could not be happier with the rollout of the new site, and more ingenious and enlightened ways of entertaining the troops are sure to follow.

“I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but we have bought up several bomb-proof nightclubs in the Mosul area and are planning on turning them into pleasure palaces for the boys,” said al-Baghdadi. “You know the first rule of brutal conquest and oppressive governance is that you have to keep your cannon fodder happy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beersheba Bill Fails To See His Shadow; Israel Safe For Six More Weeks

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Everyone is well aware of the exploits of the famous American groundhog Punxsutawney Phil in Pennsylvania, but today Beersheba Bill, Israel’s most respected wombat, took center stage as he emerged from his blast shelter just outside Beersheba.

Beersheba Bill nervously emerged from his multi-million dollar missile-proof shelter, and much to the delight of crowds gathered to get a glimpse of the elusive quadrupedal marsupial, Bill failed to see his shadow. Relief was evident on the faces of members of the Knesset and high-ranking generals of the IDF who were in attendance.

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During Rosh Hashanah in 1973 Haifa Hank saw his shadow and correctly predicted the Arab invasion that led to the Yom Kippur War. No one paid attention to him at the time and IDF forces were taken by surprise and very nearly driven into the sea. The IDF quickly rallied however, and kicked Arab ass for the next three weeks before Egypt and Syria finally called it quits. Hank now lives in a retirement home in Tel-Aviv

Bill has proved to be the most reliable in a long line of wombats thought to be predictors of Israel’s relative safety from Arab attack.

Each year during Rosh Hashanah, Bill has crawled from behind the blast-proof doors of his den in order to gauge the amount of sunlight in the vicinity of Beersheba, and thus predict the likelihood of another war with the enemies that surround Israel. He has been right on the money for the past 12 years running.

The tradition of relying on wombats dates back to 1973, when Haifa Hank correctly predicted the coordinated Arab attack that almost drove the IDF into the sea. At the time, IDF leaders considered the threat of war to be low.

Since then, wombat predictions have been taken very seriously by the Knesset and Israel’s military leaders. Of course IDF intelligence estimates are taken into account as well, and together they form the basis for decision-making regarding Israel’s military readiness.

Beersheba Bill’s failure to see his shadow will be celebrated nationwide tonight throughout a country sick to death of having to duck incoming missiles and constantly search for Hamas idiots sticking their heads up out of the sand after tunneling under the border.

Mazel tov Bill! See you next year!

 

 

 

When Idiots Collide

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bike2

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Cyclists along the Emerald Coast are famous for their happy-go-lucky attitude when it comes sharing the road with moronic drivers from every state in the union. The combination all too often results in tragedy and new nominations for the Darwin Awards

SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – A senseless tragedy occurred on 30-A in South Walton over the weekend as yet another dumb-ass cyclist was crushed beneath the wheels of two SUV’s driven by cell phone-wielding drivers more intent on communicating useless information to relatives rather than paying attention to the road in front of them.

The slaughter occurred about one mile east of the intersection of 30-A and State Road 393.

Apparently Beavis Neoprenus, an FSU graduate student from Athens, Greece, was traveling west on 30-A, and like so many other cretinous cyclists, had steadfastly refused to ride on the available bike path in favor of the dangerous-as-hell passenger car lane.

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Some residents along 30-A and highway 98 have taken matters into their own hands by releasing hostile ungulates onto the roadway at odd intervals in order to discourage bike traffic

Meanwhile 85 year-old Greta McButt of nearby Fetid Swamp Retirement Village in DeFuniak Springs came barreling along at about twice the speed limit, knocking Neoprenus ten feet into the air and roughly forty feet from his starting position.

Neoprenus was protected from serious injury from the collision because he was wearing his fancy lightweight protective helmet. However, the expensive protective gear proved of little use when Cynthia Airhead of Panama City Beach ran straight over his skull with her 5000 lb Tahoe. Airhead failed to see Neoprenus lying in the road because she was simultaneously texting her boyfriend and attempting to light her crack pipe with a Zippo.

The unfortunate Neoprenus was pronounced dead at the scene by Deputy Billy Bob McSneed of Melanoma Beach. An investigation is underway as to whether any charges will be filed against McButt or Airhead.

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“It’s all fun and games to these cyclists who laugh and wave at honking motorists until one of them gives the finger to the wrong machete-wielding redneck,” said Sheriff Buttplug

“We see this special form of idiocy all the time down at the beach,” said Walton County Sheriff Buford T. Buttplug. “We have all these dim wits from all over the country coming down here getting drunk and weaving all over the road. When you combine that with the native population, most of whom failed to make it past 6th grade, it makes for very dangerous cycling conditions. I mean, everyone knows that automobiles need to share the road with bikes, but when a cyclist insists on riding on the highway when there is a perfectly good and safe  bike path two feet away, well, it’s just stupid. It would be like insisting on taking a Malaysian Airlines flight when Delta goes to the same destination. I just don’t understand these freaks.”

A ceremony and candlelight vigil for the unfortunate Neoprenus is scheduled to take place in the median of busy Highway 98 at 3 A.M on Saturday night, when the maximum number of drunken and incompetent motorists will be able to view the event and be reminded that they must share the road with other idiots. Cyclists from all over the county are expected to attend.

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Neoprenus lost his life while doing what he loved most, taking stupid chances by cycling inches away from huge vehicles traveling at high speed. His family back in Greece can take solace in the fact that his friends in the states have erected an idiotic shrine for him close to where his head was turned into a gelatinous mush.