Author Archives: jerrydickerson8
God Condemns Bryan Fischer To Spend Eternity In Hell
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a working lunch with Pope Francis this afternoon, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to tell reporters that as a result of Fischer’s recent string of insane and hateful comments, he would be condemned to spend eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.
God told reporters that just because Fischer is sexually frustrated that gives him no right to spew hatred in His name.
“I have had it up to here with these charlatans making hateful and nauseating comments in my name,” said God. “I’m going to make an example of this dim witted freak for all the rest of you to see. I mean, look, I gave you a set of commandments to keep. Ten easy rules to follow so that you talking monkeys can all get along with each other. But no, you are too dumb to follow simple commands and insist on spewing hatred all over the airwaves while at the same time claiming to know what I am thinking. I’ve had it!”
God’s decision to immerse Fischer in the Lake of Fire until time ends came after a long series of idiotic and hate-filled comments came spewing forth from Fischer on his show aired by the American Family Association.
God handed the group of reporters a short list of Fischer’s sins while insisting he could fill an entire book with the despicable and heinous statements that the “moron” has spouted over the years.
In recent weeks on his radio program, Fischer has:
- Declared it will be “the end of America” if Congress does not impeach President Obama
- Denounced anyone who uses the word “racist,” then insisted that Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder “are racists.”
- Sided with radical Islamists in Iraq in calling Obama a “devil worshiper.”
- Suggested on Twitter that accepting homosexuality leads people to commit acts of necrophilia.
- Said that LGBT people are inherently disqualified from holding public office.
- Written an article in which he wonders if Robin Williams will go to heaven and insults Williams’s mother’s belief system (she was a Christian Scientist, Fischer says, and that is “a counterfeit form of religion that is neither Christian nor scientific”)
God said that Fischer is not the first false prophet to be the Devil’s house guest, and surely won’t be the last.
God told reporters that Fischer should change the name of his program from “Focal Point” to “Feces Point” as it more accurately describes the filth coming out of this “pseudo Christian’s” mouth.
“Has this dude never heard of “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself?” asked God. “It is hard for me to imagine how I could have been any clearer.”
God closed the impromptu presser by warning others that the same fate awaits them if they don’t take Pope Francis’ advice and try to show love for all mankind, not just straight white people.
“One more thing before I go,” said God. “I’ve just straightened out Francis on this whole embryonic stem-cell research thing and I’m not going to repeat myself. Kevin McCullough, I’ve got my eye on you, one more dumb-ass comment about how the ALS Challenge kills unborn babies and you can expect to contract Ebola in the very near future, you brainless twit!”
As God was departing for the intergalactic terminal at Leonardo da Vinci International, a reporter asked what specific form of punishment awaited Fischer in Hell.
God responded, “I leave that kind of stuff up to Lucifer. He can be very creative. After all, that’s what I put him there for.”
BREAKING NEWS: Rogue Scorpion Attempts To Undermine Fragile Truce With Powerful Car Bomb
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A rogue scorpion believed to be a member of the splinter group “Pincer Power” has detonated a car bomb just outside the city limits of Ducktown (A Quacking Good Place) Tennessee this afternoon in what officials are claiming is an effort to undermine the fragile truce between opposing factions at the Cabin Anthrax.
“As far as I know this is the first terrorist attack anywhere even close to here,” said Ducktown mayor Dr. Ludwig Van Drake
The bomb went off as Jerry Dickerson (owner and proprietor of Cabin Anthrax) was returning from a journey to his friendly Ducktown Piggly Wiggly store. No casualties have as yet been reported, but Dickerson was said to be shaken by the incident.
“I just was not prepared for such a savage attack within the confines of my own vehicle,” Dickerson told CT&P reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker. “I normally wear tennis shoes or my stylish Merrill water footwear for these trips, but today I was clad in sandals. It gave the little bastard all the bare flesh he could want as a target.”
The identity of the scorpion is clouded in mystery but officials from the Arthropod Authority believe him to be a radical performance artist known only as “Notorious Stinga.”
Dickerson told reporters that he is considering putting in a request for surplus protective gear from the Pentagon
“Stinga” is well known around Murphy for his anarchist ballads and subversive lyrics. He is backed by three scorpion teenagers that form a thuggish percussion section that drum out an inhuman low frequency beat using their 18 legs.
“He is leading our youth astray with this ‘Stinga’ rap,” said a spokesman for the Authority. “Stinga has no respect for his elders and treats the females of our species like they were mere insects. No good can come of this violent low crawl music!”
The bomb went off on the top Dickerson’s highly attractive right foot, causing him to swerve into oncoming traffic and precipitating a torrent of foul language. However, being used to bites, pinches, and stings from a variety of house guests, Dickerson was able to regain control of the massive environmental nightmare he calls an SUV just in the nick time.
“I’m really sick to death of these zealots trying to ruin a beautiful relationship,” said Dickerson. “I think we just need to try harder so we can ‘all just get along.'”
The spokesman for the Arthropod Authority agreed, telling reporters that “Stinga” is now a wanted bug and is on the no-ride list.
Ferguson Cops To Be Retrained In The Use Of Firearms
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Ferguson Police Chief Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson announced this morning that the entire Ferguson police force will be attending mandatory remedial firearms training classes this fall.
Chief Jackson spoke to reporters via video link from an underground command and control bunker outside Ferguson.
The retraining facility in Florida is located close to bars and restaurants where officers can relax and kick back after training sessions.
“Although we have not as yet had the time nor the inclination to interview Officer Wilson about the shooting involving that black guy Michael Brown, it appears that it took at least six shots to bring the bastard down, and that is just not acceptable,” said Jackson.
“Early autopsy reports clearly show that Darren is having a problem with his aim. We have high standards here in Ferguson, and we expect all of our officers to be able to bring down a black suspect with a maximum of three shots. Darren’s grouping in this case was entirely inadequate.”
“I’ve talked to the mayor and he has assured me that we can find the funds to send the entire force, except of course for our three black officers, to Panhandle Police Training, Inc., this fall,” said the Chief.
During downtime, trainees at Panhandle are encouraged to participate in “team-building” activities
Panhandle Police is a training facility located deep in the swamps of northwest Florida. In addition to improving officer’s aim, it teaches the “Bashar al-Assad” method of crowd control, with the liberal use of automatic weapons, air strikes, and nerve agents. It is internationally renowned for its ability to retrain cops who have gone soft over the years or have lost “that killing edge.”
Although Florida seems like a long way to go to be retrained, Panhandle Police has the advantage of being located close to several white supremacist headquarters with restaurant, bar, and recreation facilities so that stressed-out officers can blow off steam after a hard day’s training. This allows cops from all over the country to return to their jurisdictions relaxed, refreshed, and ready to run roughshod over individual’s civil rights.
Rumors abound that some of Panhandle’s trainers have checkered pasts. The rumors remain unsubstantiated however, because every journalist attempting to investigate them has mysteriously disappeared.
In addition to firearms training, Panhandle offers classes in abuse, corruption, and homogeneity.
“I don’t just want to improve our officer’s aim,” said Jackson. “I’ve asked Mayor Knowles for extra funds so that our brave white police officers can be taught not to be so timid around large unarmed minority crowds with embedded reporters and photographers from major news outlets. A few well placed sniper rounds or the use of a little mustard gas when those black folks first started getting uppity would have worked wonders for this community.”
“In the meantime, I have ordered the entire force to carry shotguns or fully automatic assault weapons and hand grenades in order to make up for our poor aim,” said Jackson. “We don’t want another embarrassing episode like we are currently facing with Darren, now do we?”
Reporters were initially invited to attend Chief Jackson’s briefing in the comfort of his nicely appointed and air-conditioned command and control bunker but were unable to get through the cordon of tanks and armored personnel carriers surrounding the entrance.
Messiah Scheduled To Return This Sunday
Our Lord’s return has been highly anticipated by clerics all over the world
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Everyone had better be getting their house in order, because The Prince of Pitch and Lord of La Liga will be returning to earth on Sunday when the Catalans take on Elche in their first match of the year.
The Messiah will be leading a divine squad of disciples, revamped and reinvigorated by new manager Bishop Luis Enrique.
On one wing the Apostle Neymar will return with another year of experience under his cloak ready to levitate over opposing defenders and maneuver around the opposition like a pillar of fire.
Barca fans all over the globe hope that Saint Xavi, Patron Saint of Reptiles, will rise like Lazarus to help guide the team in one final Crusade before departing to spread the gospel in America
Our Lord and Savior will be supported on the other wing by the always loyal Archangel Pedro the Swift, a player quite capable of scoring heavenly goals on his own.
Newly converted heretic and part-time cannibal Luis “The Scourge” Suarez will strike fear into the hearts of every defender he encounters in the middle. Unfortunately the saintly striker will be unable to join the ministry until October because of that unfortunate misunderstanding at the World Cup in Brazil.
He will however, be available for Barca’s confrontation with opposing sect Real Madrid.
The ravenous striker has been granted dispensation from Pope Francis for all past and future consumptions of human flesh during matches played in both La Liga and the Champion’s League so “The Scourge” should be biting on all cylinders this season.
The midfield will ably organized by Cardinal Andrés Iniesta and the usual cast, with support from Saint Xavi The Chameleon.
The addition of saintly striker and part-time cannibal Luis “The Scourge” Suarez will no doubt strike fear into the hearts of non-believers all over Europe
The Army of God’s defensive troops will be led by St Mascherano the Martyr, who so readily sacrifices himself over and over again for the one true faith.
In conclusion, this year’s Barca lineup should strike terror into the hearts of all non-believers.
Many pundits think that if an internal schism can be avoided this season we will see a return of the Spanish Inquisition.
The Messiah and his disciples could very well leave a trail of tortured souls across scorched pitches in both La Liga and the Champion’s League.
Infidels across Europe should fear and tremble at Our Master’s return.
The Messiah’s first sermon of the new season may be seen live from Camp Nou on beIN Sports at 3 PM Eastern.
Ferguson Missouri’s First Annual Reenactment Of Tiananmen Square Massacre Proclaimed ‘Huge Success’ By Mayor And Local Law Enforcement Officials
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – At a press conference outside embattled Ferguson, Missouri this morning, local law enforcement officials praised the success of its first annual “Remember Tiananmen Square” festival and reenactment.
Although Chief Jackson bemoaned the fact that he did not have an entire armored column at his disposal, he told reporters that he thought that “all them black folks get the point we are trying to make.”
The festivities, which kicked off over a week ago with the execution of an unarmed black teen by a white police officer, have exceeded all expectations, according to Ferguson Police Chief Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson.
“I just can’t tell you how delighted we are with the results, and we look forward to holding many more festivals in the future,” said Jackson.
The almost all white city council and police department got the idea for the festival from watching international reporting on “hot spots” around the world where oppressive regimes and terrorist thugs have been brutally abusing ethnic and religious groups.
Ferguson businesses could not be happier. They are doing a booming business in “atrocity” play-sets for kids and have practically sold out of stylish Kevlar vests in an assortment of colors.
“We thought hey, what great way to remind the colored folks of Ferguson just who is in charge around here,” said Chief Jackson, “and since we had all this cool second-hand military equipment we should put it to good use instead of letting it lie around gathering dust.”
Ferguson officials hope that next year’s The Killing Fields movie festival and Khmer Rouge theme park will be as great a success as this year’s celebration of civil rights.
“The idea of initiating the chaos with a good old racially motivated police shooting of an unarmed black dude really worked to perfection,” said Mayor James “There Is No Racial Divide In Ferguson” Knowles. “I have to give credit for that particular idea to Imperial Lizard Nathan Bedford Forrest IV, a long-time city council member. Brilliant idea Bedford!”
Future plans call for a new ‘atrocity exhibition’ in Ferguson each year. Ideas include a reenactment of the “killing fields” of Cambodia courtesy of the Khmer Rouge, a 12 act outdoor stage play of several of Stalin’s purges, a theme park dedicated to Mao’s Cultural Revolution, and possibly a month-long celebration of the Spanish Inquisition to coincide with the 2016 presidential election.
“We cannot stress enough how happy we are with all the national and international attention we’re getting,” said Mayor Knowles. “This event has really put our sleepy little hamlet on the map. I hope it encourages individuals and businesses from all over America to consider a move to the great state of Missouri, where ‘we all just get along!'”
As long as the homogeneous white male power structure is armed with tanks and machine guns, that is…
WWJD?
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As one wanders aimlessly about the football pitch of life, one is faced again and again with life-altering decisions that must be made in order to continue on a path towards a winning goal. When I find myself unable to decide in what direction I should go, I ask the simple question: “What would José Mourinho do?”
José Mário dos Santos Mourinho Félix, better known as “The Special One,” has been my guiding light through times of trouble and indecision. He is omnipresent, hovering there at the edge of consciousness, always willing to lend me a helping hand when I am unable to choose the correct path on my own.
Let him do the same for you. You won’t regret it.
“The Special One” begins his 2014 ministry today at 3 PM Eastern on NBCSP when Chelsea takes on newly promoted Burnley FC at Turf Moor.
REMEMBER:
Astronauts Bachmann, Gohmert And King Tapped For 2016 Mission To Mars
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced today that the long-awaited choice of astronauts for the unprecedented manned mission to Mars has finally been made. Representative Michel Bachmann (R-MN) will command the mission, Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX) will be Payload Specialist and Representative Steve King (R-IA) will be Flight Engineer for the 2 1/2 year round trip.
The crew of simpletons will be required to do little more than popping the hatch and planting an American flag on the surface of Mars before getting back in the spacecraft and playing checkers for 18 months while they wait for the return launch window.
The choice of astronauts for the mission has been delayed several times over the past six months and has been a source of consternation within NASA and other Federal agencies. Bolden placed blame for the delays on the stringent physical and psychological requirements needed to make the long and boring mission a success.
Bolden told reporters that the length of the mission presented a great many challenges to the crew, as well as to Mission Control in Houston.
“The spacecraft is so advanced that it can basically fly itself, so our main concern was just what type of crew we wanted to man this thing,” said Bolden.
Bachmann was thrilled to be named commander of the first manned mission to Mars
“We have several critical challenges that the astronauts will have to surmount during the Mars expedition: isolation and monotony, distance-related communication delays with the Earth, leadership issues, group interaction, and cultural misunderstandings and political differences within the crew,” said Bolden.
NASA engineers had to totally re-work the payload capabilities of the spacecraft when Bachmann insisted on bringing along a granite copy of the Ten Commandments so that “The people of Mars will be reminded to abide by God’s will.”
“Because of these dilemmas, we sought out a crew that is basically composed of people who are barely intelligent enough to drive automobiles here on earth,” Bolden said.
“That way, all we have to do is say something like, ‘Push the bright red blinking button now, Michelle,’ Or, ‘Time to dump the waste now Louie,’ or ‘STEVE! Put your fucking helmet on before popping the hatch this time!’ in order to get these twits to Mars alive and in one piece.”
The crew cabin of the Mars spacecraft had to be redesigned in order to accommodate Representative Gohmert’s pet goat Snowball. For many years he has refused to go anywhere without her.
“Their almost total inability to reason or engage in critical thought will prevent them from getting bored and going insane on the long trip. After all, the three of them have spent years in Congress without doing anything constructive, so we think that they will hold up just fine playing checkers and talking amongst themselves about illegal immigrants, gay marriage, Benghazi, and Obamacare for almost 30 months straight.”
“We feel that the fact that none of these people ever come up with any ideas or attitudes that were not around during the Middle Ages, and their almost total homogeneity on important issues confronting the world today, will allow them to avoid arguments and petty disputes that could lead to disaster among a more intelligent flight crew,” said Bolden.
Unfortunately for the crew the mission means that they will all have to, temporarily at least, retire from politics.
“It’s a sacrifice that we feel is well worth it,” said Bachmann. “All three of us feel that we will be greeted as liberators and heroes by the oppressed people of Mars. After all, no human beings have been there since the Apollo program. It will be interesting to see what progress they have made since then.”
Perhaps the happiest man on earth when the choice of crew was announced was Speaker of the House John Boehner. As he was exiting Golden Tan and Massage in Georgetown today he told reporters “Thank God those morons won’t be around for the presidential election. We can’t afford to look like idiots again in 2016.”
Under Pressure From Feds, Ferguson Adopts Controversial “No Kill” Policy
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Under pressure from the U.S. Justice Department, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon, and just about every decent person in the United States, the city of Ferguson Police Department has changed its “shoot unarmed black teenagers to death for no apparent reason” policy to one of “shoot unarmed black teenagers to death only when witnesses are not present.”
The new “no kill in public” policy is highly controversial within the nearly all white department. Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson told reporters that he almost had an internal riot on his hands when he informed the rank and file of the change of policy.
During an emotional press conference in which Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson openly wept, he announced that police officers in Ferguson could no longer mow down surrendering suspects. “This will mean that we have to totally retrain our force from the bottom up, and that will really cut into our budget” said Jackson. “It also probably means that we won’t be able to afford to purchase the tanks and warplanes we need to keep the peace around here. It’s just heartbreaking.”
“It is with great reluctance that I announce that Ferguson police officers will no longer be able to gun down black youths on a whim,” said Jackson. “I really see no reason to change a policy that has for decades worked so well for so many overwhelmingly white police departments across America, but the Feds have threatened to take back our machine guns and armored cars if we don’t do as they say, so we really have no choice.”
Jackson was clearly frustrated by the turn of events.
“Someone tell me just how in the hell are we supposed to intimidate and oppress minorities if we can’t run roughshod over their civil rights by occasionally blowing one of them away?”
Chief Jackson and others within the department apparently thought that the release of incriminating footage of a 7-11 being robbed by “a large black person” and the subsequent “grand theft” of a pack of Swisher Sweets would have been enough to get the rest of the country to agree with them that Michael Brown needed to be shot to death, but such was not the case.
“I really thought once we released that video of what was obviously a crime on par with the Rwandan genocide that all this crazy protest shit would calm down,” said Jackson. “I mean, it’s obvious to anyone that Michael Brown needed to be shot several times if only just to teach him and his buddies a lesson. We believe that the fact that he had his hands up and was surrendering when he was slaughtered drives the point home like nothing else could. I stand by the actions of my officer.”
Police chiefs from around the country wholeheartedly agreed.
Sheriff R.T. “Bloody” Scrotum of Bay County Florida told Fox News, “Them folks must be crazy up thar. I tell you what, down here in Florida we know how to keep colored folks in line. We don’t let ’em vote, and when one of ’em get’s too big for his britches, well then we just plant some evidence or take him on a sightseein’ trip to some squalid swamp up around the dog track. Down here, gators are a peace officer’s best friend.”
The U.S. Justice Department and the FBI are carrying out their own investigations of exactly what occurred in Ferguson last Saturday. Both organizations have long since given up on Florida.
‘Open Carry’ Sequel To Be Published In Time For Christmas
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The much-anticipated sequel to the literary classic My Parents Open Carry will be on bookshelves and available on Amazon in time for Christmas, said a spokesperson from Right Wing Kook Publications, Ltd., of Toxic Springs, Texas.
The sequel, My Parents Open Carry Vials of Militarized Anthrax Powder and Other Biological Weapons is expected to outsell the original Open Carry masterpiece, now that cretins all over the country are aware of the need to explain to their children just how demented Mommy and Daddy are.
The success of the Arabic translation of ‘My Parents Open Carry’ has prompted the publishers to release a sequel in the Middle East titled ‘My Parents Open Carry Suicide Vests’
“The Open Carry series is designed to help kids explain the nutty behavior of their parents to other kids in their age group,” said Ethyl “The Frog” LeCarre, an editor at Right Wing Kook. “Kids have always been embarrassed by their parent’s actions even in normal times, but in the desperate times in which we now live, we have to go out of our way to explain to them why their parents are acting like complete fools.”
“The Obama/U.N. conspiracy to take away our guns, the immigration disaster, Obamacare, the war on Christmas, the worldwide communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all our bodily fluids; all these crises make it necessary for kids to be told at an early age that their insecure and unstable parents might act in a way that could be interpreted as criminally insane. They need to be able to defend Mom and Dad’s actions to kids who have more enlightened parents that actually graduated from high school,” said LeCarre.
The authors of the hit Open Carry books, Brian Jeffs and Nathan Nephew, told reporters that they plan to publish a third in the series titled My Parents Open Carry Tactical Nuclear Weapons sometime this spring.
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 