Author Archives: jerrydickerson8

Texas Governor Rick Perry Accidentally Mows Down Tea Party Rally On Border With Mexico

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The death toll continues to rise in Monday’s “friendly fire” incident along the Texas-Mexico border. While making an aerial inspection of suspected crossing points, Governor Rick Perry (R-TX) apparently discharged a .50 caliber machine gun into the midst of a gathering of Tea Party supporters and amateur Texas border guards.

The Tea Party members were massed at a point along the border where refugee kids from Central and South America regularly turn themselves in to Border Patrol agents.

Texas National Guard troops that Perry dispatched to the border are being kept busy trying clean up the sites of the governor's various mishaps

Texas National Guard troops that Perry dispatched to the border are being kept busy trying clean up the sites of the governor’s various mishaps

“We were just here to show how much we love America and shout ugly racial slurs at those children,” said Mildred Mulebutt, a survivor of the massacre.

“We had just set up our signs and popped a few Budweisers when this patrol plane escorted by two helicopter gunships swooped down on us out of the blue. Then some idiot in one of the aircraft started letting us have it with some kind of fucking cannon or something. It was terrifying.”

Zapata County Sheriff R.P. “Fuzzy” Scrotum told Fox News that “We still have not been able to get a solid body count because the Governor turned a lot of these folks into a fine red mist. I’ve been told by the coroner that we have at least 29 Tea Partiers and several members of the South Texas Amateur Border Guards and River Widener’s Club definitely deceased. If you come over here, you can clearly see where the Tea Party folks were standing because of all of these misspelled signs.”

The crew chief for the aircraft in which the governor was traveling told Reuters that “I told that doofus three times to quit fiddling with the weapon, but he insisted on charging it and aiming it at vehicles and pedestrians while making a childlike ‘machine gun’ sound and yelling ‘Get some! Get some!'”

This isn't the first time Governor Perry accidentally depleted his base. At a photo op in 2009 at the Sam Houston School for the Orphans of Rodeo Clowns, Perry mowed down an entire 3rd grade class with what he thought was a toy machine gun

This isn’t the first time Governor Perry accidentally depleted his base. At a photo op in 2009 at the Sam Houston School for the Orphans of Rodeo Clowns, Perry wiped out an entire 3rd grade class with what he thought was a toy machine gun

“God help us if that idiot is elected president,” continued the crew chief, who wished to remain anonymous. “He’ll probably be horsing around in the Oval Office and accidentally nuke Belgium or something.”

An aide to Governor Perry called the incident a “tragic accident” and blamed it on Perry leaving his glasses at Billy Bob’s All-You-Can-Eat Fatback Cafe in Squalid Springs, where the group had lunch.

“The governor was trying to aim at a group of starving and desperate illegal children and hit that group of his supporters purely by accident,” said the aide.

A firm body count and casualty list will not be available until the weekend because authorities had to call in army bomb disposal squads to clear several dozen homemade anti-personnel mines planted by the amateur border guards.

Governor Perry is not expected to be charged in the incident because he is covered by the recent “Stand Your Ground and Defend Your Airspace” laws passed by Texas and Florida. The laws protect Caucasian males from prosecution for “discharging any weapon, accidentally or otherwise, into any individual or group of individuals that look weird or unusual to them.”

The incident is expected to have absolutely no effect on Governor Perry’s presidential aspirations, because anyone dumb enough to vote for this bastard is going to do it regardless of how many people he slaughters.

 

 

 

 

 

Xenomorphs For Jesus Organization Files Libel Suit Against Ken Ham

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Ken-Ham-screenshot

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Claiming that Jesus came to LV-426 at least two decades before he visited earth, Frederick “Freddie the Face-Hugger” Falcone, president of the popular Xenomorphs For Jesus religious organization, told reporters that they planned on “suing the crap out of that dullard Ken Ham for his blasphemous article” on the Answers In Genesis website.

Xenomorph

President of Xenomorphs For Jesus “Freddie the Facehugger” Falcone appeared more than a little pissed off about the article Ken Ham published on Sunday

In the article which ran Sunday, creationist Ken Ham said that the U.S. space program is a waste of money because any alien life that scientists found would be damned to hell.

“I’m shocked at the countless hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent over the years in the desperate and fruitless search for extraterrestrial life,” said the unhinged Ham.

Ham argued that “secularists are desperate to find life in outer space” as a part of their “rebellion against God in a desperate attempt to supposedly prove evolution.”

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Falcone told reporters that Jesus was “patching up injured xenomorphs” twenty years before he began his ministry to the dinosaurs in Palestine

“Life did not evolve but was specially created by God, as Genesis clearly teaches. Christians certainly shouldn’t expect alien life to be cropping up across the universe,” he continued. “Now the Bible doesn’t say whether there is or is not animal or plant life in outer space. I certainly suspect not.”

But regardless of whether there was life in outer space, Ham asserted that it could not be truly “intelligent.”

“You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation,” he explained. “Jesus did not become the ‘GodKlingon’ or the ‘GodMartian’! Only descendants of Adam can be saved. God’s Son remains the ‘Godman’ as our Savior.”

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Falcone also told reporters that “Ham is one ugly son of a bitch, even for a human. He’d look a lot better with an infant attached to his face.”

“What  a load of horseshit!,” said Falcone, in response to Ham’s article. “This guy talks out of his ass all the time and some of you idiot humans are actually gullible enough to believe him. No wonder so many alien species view you guys as a bunch of hicks who only yesterday climbed down out of the trees.”

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Falcone spoke to reporters from Our Lady of the Dripping Saliva Christian Bookstore on LV-426

“How the hell could a guy with the IQ of a turnip make any assertions regarding intelligent life on other planets? And another thing, this dude should be limited to radio frequencies. I’ve seen better looking beings living in the swamps on Planet 10! I mean, what’s with that fucking beard?”

“What the hell is he mumbling about ‘GodKlingon, GodMartian, Godman? Has Kentucky issued this lunatic a driver’s license? God help the bastards that have to share the road with this moron.”

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Dr. Robert “Ugly Motherfucker” Bates, an orthodontist and founder of The Fellowship of Christian Predators, told Reuters that they also were preparing a lawsuit against Ham. “Jesus visited our home world over a century before he ever made to your wimpy-ass Milky Way Galaxy,” said Wilson.

“This village idiot Ham should realize that every fucking sentient being in the universe knows about evolution. Only a dumb ass would deny its existence,” said Falcone.

Falcone went on to tell reporters that Jesus had indeed visited LV-426 and had many followers there.

“At first we just thought, ‘Hey, what is that dude doing walking across that lake of liquid methane? Is he on dope or something?’ But then we started to take notice when it became apparent that he could breathe pure nitrogen and started turning rocks into edible protein paste for wedding parties.”

“But the clincher was when Our Lord survived having his chest busted by one of our infants after being cocooned for three days. I mean, he just popped up healthy as a horse! After that he began to get quite a following here, and is still quite popular today. There are more Christian churches on LV-426 than temples dedicated to Cthulhu, for example.”

When reached for comment, SETI spokesman Dr. Frank Black said “Ken Ham is an example of what happens to a dude when he loses his virginity at age 34 with an aboriginal prostitute. He’s a frustrated mental midget who craves attention. Ham is basically a modern-day snake oil salesman who preys on mentally deficient individuals by trying to convince them of things that are so bizarre as to be laughable.”

“One thing is for certain. We don’t have to worry about finding any intelligent life in Petersburg, Kentucky,” chuckled Dr. Black.

Since the lawsuits are just now being filed, no one can really predict which way they will go, but lawyers representing the two groups feel that given the current climate at the Supreme Court, any pro-Christian lawsuit, no matter how ridiculous, has a good chance of winning.

 

Lindsey Graham Has Cerebrovascular Accident While On ‘Meet The Press’ With David Gregory

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lindsaygraham

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – On NBC’s Meet the Depressed with David Gregory yesterday Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) appeared to go into some kind of violent convulsive fit reminiscent of the chest-burster scene in the movie Alien. Immediately afterwords he began an irrational and nearly incoherent rant against President Obama and his foreign policy, or lack thereof.

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Graham’s CVA yesterday was only the latest in a series. After a mild stroke last fall, Graham donned an evening gown and pranced around a fundraiser in support of his “Repeal The 20th Century” bill that was narrowly defeated in Congress.

Following an interview with Kerry, Gregory spoke to Graham, who could not contain his anger about the secretary of state’s assessment of “complex” foreign policy issues like the wars in Ukraine and the Middle East.

“He gave the most ridiculous and delusional summary of American foreign policy I could imagine!” Graham exclaimed. “It scares me that he believes the world is in such good shape! America is the glue the holds the free world together (just ask the citizens of Iraq), leading from behind is not working, the world is adrift.”

He added: “And President Obama has become the king of indecision. His policies are failing across the globe, and they will come here soon. Why, the invasion is already starting! Anyone can see that those children on the border are just the first wave of a tsunami of diseased parasites ready to overwhelm us and our way of life!”

Gregory wondered what Kerry and the Obama administration should have done regarding the downing of the Malaysian flight.

“He didn’t call Putin the thug that he is”, said Graham, who was sweating profusely and appeared to be clicking two ball bearings together in his left hand.

“I would have called him a thug, a despot, a cretin, a shirtless pussy boy, and a mean bully! That would have put that Putin in his place and made him think twice about arming those rebels!”

Lindsey Graham :: Harmless Ducks

According to his staff Graham is now recovering at home with the help of baby ducks who seem to soothe the unhinged senator from South Carolina

“We should have armed Ukraine to the teeth with tactical nukes so they can defend themselves against rebel separatists supported by Russia!” Graham insisted.

“All of the enemies of our nation are being well supplied! Russian is helping Iran, Iran is helping Syria, Syria is helping Honduras, Honduras is helping Mexico, and Mexico is helping the Democrat Party! There’s way too much helpin’ goin’ on out dere!”

“If Obama had any spine at all, he would have bombed the shit out of the Russians at the first sign of trouble like my pimp John McCain told him to do! That would have saved all this massive loss of life!”

Graham’s rant lost momentum as he appeared to become dehydrated, and aides escorted the senator to a waiting ambulance so that he could be checked out at the hospital before returning home.

 

Malevolent Despot Conspires With Liberal Media To Divert Attention From Border Crisis

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what pundits are calling a conspiracy that will make Benghazi look like child’s play, President Obama, with the clandestine cooperation of every major news source in America, has successfully drawn attention away from the crisis on our southern border that threatens the very fabric of our republic.

Thanks to a group of highly respected statesmen and political hacks, the nation’s attention in recent weeks has been focused on the wave of hideous monsters trying to invade our pristine country and make it their own. Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX), Texas Governor Rick Perry, paragon of reason Sarah Palin and others have illuminated the threat posed by the vile, contaminated children who are on a mission to weaken our health care system by overwhelming it with such horrors as ebola, tuberculosis, bubonic plague, Dengue fever, and the dreaded toenail fungus. What is worse, they’re doing it on orders from the tyrant in chief, Barack Obama.

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Reliable right-wing websites such as Obamaisablacklectroidfromthe8thdimension.com and Overthrowthenegrodictator.com are divided on the subject of whether the President pushed the “fire” button himself or merely ordered the shoot-down

But all that changed with the crash of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH-17 over eastern Ukraine.

The fiery crash has been covered 24/7 by every cable news outlet at the expense of the story that really matters, the invasion of the United States by hordes of evil kids who just don’t look like us real Americans.

Even Fox News interrupted coverage of the endless columns of walking disease vectors posing as children that are forcing their way into our country.

It was left to that ever vigilant group of intellectuals, the right-wing radio hosts, to dig deep and uncover the plot hatched by our tyrannical leader and his pals in the media.

Not surprisingly Rush Limbaugh, the corpulent leader of a small but vocal army of reactionary xenophobes, led the charge to reveal the truth. As soon as news of the tragedy broke, Rush was on it like white gravy on an entire tray of fresh-baked biscuits.

The radio show host called the disaster “an opportunity” for media outlets to distract viewers from the controversy surrounding President Obama and US border security. He suspected that CNN had already swept the immigration crisis under the rug and retreated back to “wall to wall” coverage of the plane.

Limbaugh called the whole thing “very eery.”

Eery indeed!

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Rush Limbaugh was the first pundit to see through Obama’s jet-fuel smokescreen. He told his scholarly and enlightened audience to prepare for “the mother of all investigations” by patriot and intellectual Darrell Issa

Other conservative hosts joined the effort to uncover just what role the Obama Administration had in the downing of the plane. At this time the consensus is that the puppet master Obama probably had one of his aides pose as Russian separatist rebel with a PhD in missile technology from the University of Moscow in order to infiltrate the launch team and target the jet.

However, there is a small but significant group of hosts and websites that think Obama’s overall incompetence caused the crash. They argue that if Obama had declared war on Russia a few weeks ago, like any reasonable president would have done, this tragic loss of life could have been avoided.

Regardless of who is correct, one thing is for sure, the border crisis is now taking a backseat, and coverage of the crash has given the socialist fag-loving autocrat an excuse to push his agenda of converting all our kids into flaming homosexuals.

After the President bemoaned the loss of over 100 scientists and researchers who were on the flight in route to an AIDS conference in Australia, guardian of Christ’s love Bryan Fischer pointed out the dictator’s heresy.

Fischer Tweeted that Obama was callously pushing his “radical homosexual agenda” by even mentioning the lost researchers. “It would make a lot more sense just to convince all men not to have sex with men,” said Fischer, whose widely publicized sexual confusion has made the news in the past.

No one knows when coverage of the tragedy will subside so we can get back to coverage of what counts, however, there is hope. Fox News plans on returning to normal programming later tonight when it airs episode 17 of its 52 part series Benghazi: How Hillary Clinton Murdered A U.S. Ambassador.

 

Hamas Leadership Rejects Cease Fire In Favor Of A Thorough Ass-Whipping By The IDF

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GAZA CITY (CT&P) -In response to renewed rocket attacks and an attempt by 13 heavily armed Hamas dim wits to infiltrate Israel via tunnels under the border, Israel has launched a ground offensive into Gaza. IDF tanks and armored personnel carriers supported by infantry units crossed the border yesterday and immediately began to kick some serious Hamas ass.

Speaking to reporters from a well-appointed luxury bunker deep beneath the Gaza City Misguided Martyr Middle School and Rocket Depot, Deputy Chairman Abu Marzook, of Hamas’ political bureau, told reporters that “We are not willing to stop our rocket attacks anytime soon. So far only civilians have been killed in Gaza, and we have plenty of them to spare.”

Explosions lit up the sky in the early hours of Friday and residents in several areas of the densely populated strip of 1.8 million Palestinians said they saw numbers of Israeli tanks that had crossed the border from Israel.

A statement from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s office late on Thursday said he had given orders to destroy tunnels that militants use to infiltrate Israel and carry out attacks.

An Israeli military spokesman said Israel was not out to try to topple Hamas.

Yasser-Arafat

Hamas spokesman Sami “The Baby Crusher” Zuhri spoke with reporters from the Yasser Arafat School of Beauty

“Our goal is not a new, more insane Palestinian leadership,” said the spokesman. “We just want to make one thing clear to these dullards: If you know what’s good for you, don’t fuck with Bibi.”

 

Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri, speaking from the Yasser Arafat School of Beauty and Nerve Gas Production, responded with defiance to Israel’s invasion announcement, telling Reuters: “We warn Netanyahu of the dreadful consequences of such a foolish act. We will turn Israel into a wasteland with our endless supply of deadly rockets. Granted, they seem to be suffering from some kind of software glitch that has made 95% of them absolutely harmless, but we hope to clear up this problem sometime next week.”

Although a multitude of diplomats from all over the world are trying to broker some sort of cease-fire or truce in Cairo, there is little optimism for an early end to hostilities in the conflict.

“The Hamas leadership is just having too much fun launching all those rockets,” said Swiss official, on the condition of anonymity. “Zuhri told me that Hamas intends to keep firing rockets ‘until the camels come home.'”

A Hamas militant in charge of a rocket team told Reuters that “I haven’t had this much fun since Dad took us kids to Crazy Muhammad’s Fireworks and Explosive Vests in Rafah. This is great!”

Meanwhile, religious leaders around the world continued to offer up prayers for a swift and peaceful resolution to the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians.

“One thing that this conflict makes perfectly clear is that religion is our only hope of lasting peace on earth,” said Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association, an organization that promotes fundamentalist Christian values.

“We just have to persevere and believe that this senseless slaughter is the will of our benevolent and omniscient Creator, and God’s plan will become evident in time,” said Fischer.

Bryan Fischer is not exactly renowned for ability to reason.

 

 

 

 

Truly The Great Dane Expresses Heartfelt Remorse After Destroying And Partially Consuming Yet Another Treasured Family Heirloom

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greatdanesofa

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, (CT&P) – A two year old Great Dane named Truly expressed her “deep and sincere regret” for actions taken Wednesday afternoon while her Mom was out working in the yard trying to prepare her home for sale.

It seems that Truly was lying on the sofa snoozing when she detected an odor emanating from one of the sofa cushions.

“I could recognize the smell of pepperoni from a minor pizza spill that happened when Mom was watching World War Z and got a little over excited when Brad Pitt took off his shirt,” said Truly. “All I wanted to do was to pitch in and help make the house presentable for potential buyers. I really meant no harm, I swear.”

If Truly’s story is to be believed, she began by licking the area on the cushion extensively in an attempt to remove the offending odor. This effort being unsuccessful, she then made the mistake of using her prodigious canine teeth. One thing led to another, and the end result was the wanton destruction of yet another valuable piece of furniture.

“According to my estimates, Truly has consumed or destroyed just under $30,000 worth valuables and everyday goods since she was a small puppy,” said Truly’s Mom, who wished to remain anonymous lest Federal officials place Truly on some terrorist watch list.

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A guilt-ridden Truly continued to apologize profusely and offered to do penitence for her sins as Mom’s insurance adjuster took photographs of the crime scene.

“It started with shoes, socks, television remotes, and other small items but as Truly grew up things like our toaster oven, car batteries, and a set of jumper cables began to disappear,” said Mom. “The list of irreplaceable items is long; an antique china cabinet, my good silver, and a portrait of my great-great grandmother have all been destroyed or gone missing.”

“One day I made the mistake of leaving Truly in the garage for fifteen minutes and set of brand new of Goodyear radial tires ended up in her digestive tract. We still can’t find the lawn tractor, the diving board, or the fifty pound bag of chlorine pellets for the pool. It’s miracle that she’s still alive. I mean, she must have the immune system of a Komodo dragon!”

“I really love Truly with all my heart and I just don’t know what to do,” continued the distraught mother. “We fitted her with a titanium muzzle but one day when we got home from the store she had removed it and buried it somewhere in the backyard. God knows where it is. One of my neighbors suggested that we send her to Guantanamo for a week of ‘re-education’ but when I contacted officials down there they told me that the facilities were only designed to hold hardened terrorists and Truly would find a way out in no time. The situation seems hopeless.”

Although this incident is just one in a long line of similar catastrophes, Mom’s State Farm Agent, Billy Bob McSneed, assured her that the damage was covered under her policy and Truly’s swathe of destruction had not yet reached “Acts of God or wartime obliteration’ levels yet.

“I think the best course of action for Mom here is to find a nice U.S. Army armored division for Truly to join. It’s just too much for any homeowner to handle, living with a 150 lb locust on steroids roaming about the house,” said McsSneed.

We’ll do our best to keep you updated on further developments and in the meantime, if anyone has any suggestions, such as coating the entire home with capsicum oil, please don’t hesitate to email us.

Florida Governor Rick Scott Said To Be Experimenting With Peyote

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rick55

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to the Scott reelection campaign told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis yesterday that the governor experimented with several types of hallucinogens while on a state-funded visit to Central and South America last week.

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Governor Scott is widely believed to be the product of a union between Dr. Timothy Leary and the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl

Governor Scott surprised lawmakers and constituents alike by taking time off from his official duties of denying black people the vote and derailing Medicare fraud investigations to hurriedly plan the trip just after the Hobby Lobby decision came down from the Supreme Court.

The tour was ostensibly taken in order to promote business and cultural exchange between Central and South American countries and the state of Florida. However, aides to Governor Scott told Snetterton-Lewis that Scott took the opportunity to visit several remote Indian tribes deep in the rain forest in order to observe and in some cases take part in religious rituals conducted by some of the most popular and sought-after shamans in the region.

Almost all the events that Scott attended included the ritual consumption of hallucinogenics or dissociatives administered by tribal elders or priests in order to help the participant achieve a higher plane of reality or deep meditative state.

“He really had one hell of a good time on that trip,” said an aide, on the condition that he remain anonymous. “In fact you could say that he had several excellent trips within the larger overall trip.”

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While in South America dabbling with a little Peruvian torch cactus, Scott met a conservative-leaning witch doctor named Marvin. Scott was so impressed that he plans on making Marvin director of youth outreach at his new church.

The purpose behind Scott’s bizarre behavior only came to light after Snetterton-Lewis found another aide willing to talk about Scott’s long-term plans in case he loses the upcoming election to Democrat contender Charlie Crist.

Having had a bad experience in the health care business (600 million in Medicare fraud) Scott apparently plans to found his own church based loosely on a conglomeration of different mystic religions and voodoo cults. He plans on building a mega-church near the Ebro Dog Track just outside Panama City Beach, Florida, where he hopes to attract a congregation of wealthy business owners seeking to deny all medical care to their employees.

“It’s his way of giving back to the corporate interests that have funded his campaigns and slush funds used to push through legislation that hurt the average citizens of Florida,” said the aide.

Sources say that the name of the new religion has not yet been determined, but possibilities include The First Church of SCOTUS, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Tumors, and Our Lady of the Untreated Carcinoma.

Scott has however, decided on a slogan that he thinks will really attract the kind of congregation he is courting:

“Doctors? We don’t need no stinking doctors!”

 

 

 

 

Satan Delighted By GOP Response To Immigration “Crisis”

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satan44

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held at the River Styx Motor Inn in East Hell this morning, Satan, Lord of the Underworld, told reporters that he was “pleased and gratified” by the Republican Party’s response to the current situation on the U.S. southern border. “I’m truly delighted with what GOP politicians and pundits have had to say about those poor helpless kids trying to escape violence and abject poverty in their home countries. As you know hypocrisy is something we value above all else down here,” said the Prince of Darkness.

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Beelzebub had particular praise for the brainy pair of Palin and Perry. “I don’t know what we would do without those two buffoons,” said the Prince of Darkness, “they are funny as Hell.”

The flow of unaccompanied kids at the border has increased over recent months, and estimates are hovering around 50,000 for children and teenagers detained since Oct 1st of last year. The vast majority of the kids are from Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador.

The unfortunate kids are often encouraged and assisted by parents, who see little or no future for the kids in Central America. Fleeing violence, poverty, drug gangs and forced prostitution, the kids and their relatives are desperate and many are in pitiful condition.

Although 50,000 children trying to cross one of its borders should not constitute an existential crisis for the greatest country the world has ever seen, GOP politicians and pundits have tried mightily to turn the situation into catastrophe on par with the Great Depression or the Black Plague.

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Conservative radio hosts have been portraying the kids as walking vectors for all types of hideous life-threatening diseases such as ebola and tuberculosis.

Texas governor and renowned intellectual Rick Perry has intimated on several occasions that President Obama has engineered the crisis. “We either have an incredibly inept administration, or they’re in on this somehow or another,” said the scholarly Perry on ABC’s “This Week.” “I mean I hate to be conspiratorial, but I mean how do you move that many people from Central America across Mexico and then into the United States without there being a fairly coordinated effort?”

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Children currently detained in warehouses on the border were appreciative of Lucifer’s offer to let them stay in one of his many temples across the U.S.

Mental giant Sarah Palin has also had a great deal to say about the “crisis.” In an amateur video that looked like something produced by The Onion, Palin presented a rambling, incoherent argument for some sort of weird conspiracy to dissolve the United States as we know it. According to Palin, President Obama is opening our borders for political gain and because he just hates this country so much.

“Without borders, there is no nation. Obama knows this. Opening our borders to a flood of illegal immigrants is deliberate. This is his fundamental transformation of America,” said Palin, who apparently learned her civics and history at the same place as Michele Bachmann.

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To show their appreciation for Satan’s generosity, the kids baked the Prince of Darkness a devil’s food cake for his birthday

To add fuel to the fire, Fox News and conservative radio talk show hosts around the country have been portraying the kids as being like a giant host of diseased rats carrying a plague virus, just chomping at the bit to invade the U.S. and infect us all with life threatening diseases.

All of this ridiculous political gamesmanship has Mephistopheles and his minions beside themselves with joy.

Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary, told USA Today that “It’s a real hoot to see the party that touts Christian values treating these innocent kids like they were vermin. We haven’t had this much fun since all those Republican governors denied health care to poor people in an attempt to derail Obamacare. Biblical principles my ass! These guys would sell their mother’s souls if it meant a tax break for the 1%. We love ’em down here.”

Reached for comment at the Pearly Gates, Jesus of Nazareth told a reporter for CNN that “The entire situation makes me nauseous. It’s like the entire New Testament was a wasted effort. I mean, when I said ‘suffer the little children’ I did NOT mean pack them like sardines into warehouses in San Antonio. And what’s all this crap about guns? You’d think that some of those religious ‘patriots’ in Texas could take a little cash out of their assault weapon budgets to help these kids out. I’m disgusted.”

Although the numbers of kids turning themselves in at the border continues to rise, there is little hope that any solution will be found during this decade, as GOP politicians would rather blame Obama than do anything constructive.

 

Religion Of Peace Continues To Blow Shit Out Of Israel With Rockets, Hamas Leaders Puzzled By IDF Response

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX MURPHY, N. C. (CT&P) — Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel said Friday that his forces were fighting Hamas with “increasing intensity” to quell its rocket barrages from Gaza, ignoring outside criticism and calls for restraint in the increasingly deadly Israeli aerial assaults. Even as he spoke, Palestinian militants fired salvos into central and southern Israel and said their arsenal had barely been dented.

Palestinian deaths from four days of Israeli aerial assaults surpassed 100, with hundreds wounded. As of Friday, no Israelis had been killed by Gaza rockets, although one caused the first serious instance of multiple injuries on the Israeli side since the hostilities intensified.

Israel has been criticized for the lopsided death toll in the conflict, as if she should somehow let the terrorist wackos catch up by letting her civilians be slaughtered in their beds.

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In an attempt to explain the terrorists’ poor aim, an IDF spokesman told our reporter that “the terrorist talks big, but frankly, we think he’s short of know-how. I mean, you just can’t expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a rocket like some of our boys. And that’s not meant as an insult, we all know how much guts these folks have, judging by the intestines splattered everywhere after a suicide bombing.”

“It’s not our fault these idiots don’t know how to aim their rockets,” said Bibi. ““No international pressure will prevent us from operating with full force against a terrorist organization that calls for our destruction,” he said in remarks broadcast from a news conference at the Defense Ministry in Tel Aviv.

“Even those dim wits at the U.N. should be able to figure it out. The difference between us is simple,” Mr. Netanyahu said. “We develop defensive systems against missiles in order to protect our civilians and they use their civilians to protect their missiles.”

The Israeli military says it has struck more than 1,100 locations in Gaza such as rocket launchers, weapons stores and, more controversially, what it describes as command and control centers run by Hamas and Islamic Jihad operatives in private homes. Israel says it first advises the occupants to vacate, using telephone alerts and unarmed missiles that strike the premises in a warning of the destruction to come.

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Abu Marzook Skyhook spoke with reporters while safely ensconced in a bunker nine stories below Gaza City

For their part Hamas leaders told U.N. officials that they were “totally baffled and puzzled” by Israel’s response to the hail of rockets launched from Gaza since the current flare up of hostilities began.

“We were just celebrating our holy month in the usual fashion, by attempting to kill Jews in large numbers,” said Mousa Mohammed Abu Marzook Skyhook, deputy chairman of Hamas political bureau and CEO of Rockets Are Us in Rafah.

“I don’t understand why Bibi got so pissed off, and it really hurts my feelings that Israel is fighting back,” he said.

Skyhook told reporters that Hamas was ready to sacrifice “as many of its women and children as necessary to make its point. “We will make Israel a lake of fire in the ‘mother of all’ rocket attacks,” he said. However, Skyhook did not explain just what the fuck Hamas’ point is.

Skyhook spoke with U.N. officials and reporters during a gala swimsuit fashion show held in a reinforced bunker nine stories below the surface.