Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part 7)

Posted in entertainment, environment, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by jerrydickerson8

Spend precious hours of your life carefully folding Walmart and Publix bags so they will fit neatly in some obscure cabinet in the laundry room. The last thing you want is disorder in your household. If you are pressed for space, use a hot iron to compress the stack into a compact mass of organic polymers that will be around long after Homo sapiens is an extinct species.

Choosing the correct pet can be a tricky business. Be sure to select one that best suits your personality. Remember, the most important things in life are cleaning, organization, and maintaining a death grip of control over your immediate surroundings and any entities therein. Model your life after a mid level security officer in the East German Stasi.

Attempt to shape and control your children’s lives with an almost religious zeal reminiscent of an imam at a terrorist training facility. Your kids will adore you for it and after a period of rebelliousness, will grow into happy and well adjusted teenagers. In adulthood they will become either despondent and negative control freaks such as yourself, or neurotic real-life versions of Crazy Larry in Sam Peckinpah’s The Wild Bunch. Either way, you will be assured of a nice quiet funeral without all that hysterical sobbing.

If you are a “news anchor” for a cable network do your best to sensationalize tragedies that occur anywhere on earth. Strive to come up with 18 bizarre theories that could explain “mysterious events” that occur. Completely ignore all facts related to the story. Use bizarre colloquialisms that you think are cool, such as “we are efforting to find out the truth.” When in doubt, blame Obamacare.

If a loved one does too much business with Amazon, simply burn the next round of books he receives. Christmas should only come once per year. Besides, who needs intellectuals? They get too big for their britches.

If you are almost 80 years old, always wake up at 6 A.M. and start your day by scrubbing cat vomit off your obscenely expensive silk Persian rug. Act as if this is the first time in the history of the planet that a feline regurgitated. Threaten the cat with severe economic sanctions if the act is repeated.

If you are worried that the size of your penis is not up to snuff, and you thrive on failure, become a probation officer. During your career you will be able to observe every species of genital under the sun and you will finally be able to assess your place in the pricking order. Practice the fine art of meat gazing by adopting a cat and go out of your way to glare and intimidate it while it uses the litter box. Also, don’t to forget to act like a pompous-ass control freak version of Mother Theresa while boasting a whopping three percent success rate for “clients.”

Panic and react with abject horror when your huge feline does something vaguely sexual with his cat bed.

If you are a lazy and shiftless lamprey who suffers from CWDD (Constructive Work Deficiency Disorder), react with a certain lack of enthusiasm and practiced indifference when you are given your morning cleaning assignments by your OCD mom.

If you are spending your weekend on a nearby lake abducting innocent bass from their homes in order to turn them into highly battered cholesterol fillets, always take a shotgun along. You never know when some unsuspecting alien creature may swim by. Remember, always shoot first and ask questions later.

Camping can be enormous fun for the entire family. However, you never know when you might encounter an Eric Robert Rudolph or one of the thousands of Muslim terrorist sleeper cells that are located behind every bush in the United States. You should therefore always be prepared to repel attack. Don’t even think about entering the woods without an assault rifle and appropriate sidearm. Train your wife and kids until they are experts with rocket-propelled grenades and night vision equipment. Remember, the forest is there for all of us to enjoy, so help keep it safe for all Americans.

If a relative or close friend has the impertinence to attempt something as selfish as reading or writing while you are cleaning all your baseboards with a toothbrush for the third time in a week, interrupt them over and over again with stupid, vacuous rhetorical questions until the poor bastard gives up and slashes his wrists.

React with fear and trembling if you should happen to discover a harmless insect in your home. Immediately get on the phone and bitch at the worthless pest control company you pay a fortune to every month to keep you safe from the arthropods and arachnids that have covered every square foot of the planet since long before man emerged from the sea. Act as if the lone lost and confused ant you see on the kitchen floor represents the vanguard of an endless stream of ravenous driver ants from east Africa. Worry yourself sick about the imminent invasion of segmented miniature monsters who will pick your bones clean in minutes if you dare go to sleep. Try to add precious minutes to your life by taking amphetamines to stay awake 24/7 like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Keep every door in your fucking house closed and locked like you are expecting the Zombie Apocalypse. The last thing you want is fresh air, a pleasant breeze, and the sounds of a waterfall invading the peace and tranquility of your aseptic, lifeless home that is devoid of any personality.

If an aggressive semi-hostile country ruled by a megalomaniacal former KGB officer invades and subjugates a weaker nation thus threatening to precipitate World War III, spend 100% of the airtime on your popular cable program positing bizarre and irrational theories about the disappearance of an airliner carrying a couple of hundred people. Keep your priorities straight and forge ahead with no thought for what is really important.

Management tip of the week: If you own or manage a small business, never turn your back on any employee or customer. They are all out to rob your ass blind. Never trust anyone you come into contact with in the course of business, especially if they are relatives or close friends. Those cretinous swine will use their close relationship with you to take everything you have worked so hard to attain. Protect yourself by installing microscopic video cameras in every nook and cranny of your business, especially in the restrooms. Make sure they broadcast 24/7 on an encrypted frequency that only you can receive. Always carry a laptop or pad around with you so you can keep an eye on the bastards at all times. Test your employees’ honesty by leaving gold coins in the break room that you have previously exposed to intense ionizing radiation. If one of your vile, heinous employees gives in to temptation, don’t take action until a year later when he is in the hospital suffering from some giant cancerous tumor of mysterious origin. Then visit him and tell him that’s what he gets for being a dishonest bastard. Pull out all the tubes connected to his body and tell the nurse he had a spasm and fell out of bed. When your other employees find out what has happened, they will admire your dedication and cunning and work that much harder to please you.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

15Mar2014

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part Six)

Posted in entertainment, environment, health care, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by jerrydickerson8

If you have always been insecure because of your small penis, or you have impure thoughts about other men, go hunting as much as possible. Murder as many innocent animals as you possibly can without giving a second thought to their suffering. This will make you feel like more of a stud as you guzzle your cheap Horse Urine brand beer at the neighborhood dive. Remember, animals are only on earth to be senselessly killed for sport by cretins like you, and watching them die painful deaths will help you sort out your mental problems.

Kudzu works miracles in the fight against erosion. If you own property, plant as much of it as you can. Remember that it can used to make tasty salads and can be weaved together to make emergency descent ladders for high rises. Don’t worry about it ever being susceptible to blight, because it is so noxious that even goats won’t give it a second look.

If your neighbor’s plants encroach so much as a centimeter across your property line, don’t waste time asking her to trim them. You have more important things to do than wasting your time talking to that bitch. Instead, dress in dark clothing head to toe and blacken your face before going outside after midnight. Jump the fence and apply a carefully mixed solution of diesel fuel, Roundup, and radioactive salt around the base of the offending plants or trees. No one needs know that you are to blame for the resulting moonscape and high incidence of rare cancerous tumors in the neighborhood. The inconsiderate bastards should have respected your property line in the first place.

Chain saws can be fun and useful tools. Always choose a large, powerful model for minor backyard plant maintenance, especially if you need to hold it above your head to prune hard to reach branches. Use an inexpensive old-fashioned wooden ladder for the really high branches. Remember, you need to keep a tidy yard in order to impress the neighbors.

Choosing a mate may be the most important decision you make in life. If you are a woman, be sure to choose a man who you can easily dominate and browbeat into conforming with your deranged obsession with cleanliness and order. If you are a man, choose a dim-witted woman who will stay in the damn kitchen or in the bedroom. Women should keep their mouths shut and give birth to your spawn.

Develop a debilitating and embarrassing tic which surfaces when loved ones or friends do not go along with your ridiculous plans or accede to your demands regarding pathological cleanliness and organization. Have panic attacks and blood pressure spikes when anyone moves a piece of furniture two inches in order to have a better view of the big game.

Always purchase the smallest plastic containers available in order to keep the harsh artificial beverage you are imbibing as fresh as possible. This is especially true for the “spring water” you drink that really comes from some retention pond in West Virginia. Remember, all that counts is your convenience. Who cares what the oceans will look like after you are dead? Enjoy life to its fullest while you are here.

People should respectful of all the countless hours you spend cleaning and re-cleaning your home. If some moronic child who is visiting your home for Thanksgiving dinner spills a drop of gravy on your Persian rug, you should act swiftly and decisively. Quietly get up from the table, go to your bedroom closet, and return packing a machine gun-grenade launcher combo. Stand in the doorway and quietly state, “Say hello to my little friend.” Then blast the fuck out of the entire room while screaming “I am Tony Montana!” over and over again. That’ll teach the little brat.

If you leave a party after a few drinks, your goal should be to spend as little time as possible on the road, because you constitute a danger to other drivers, pedestrians, and cyclists. Therefore you should drive like a bat out of hell straight home. This will reduce the total time you spend on the highway. Remember, don’t be selfish. Think of your community first.

If you are in a foreign country while on vacation, it is always best to blend in with the locals and follow their customs. You don’t want to be the ugly American and insult your gracious hosts. For example, if you are walking down the street and masked men start firing machine guns in the air, grab a rifle and join in! They will appreciate your enthusiasm. Later on when things quiet down, be sure to renounce your religion and accept Islam. Remember, “when in Rome do as the Romans do.” U.S. Government authorities will understand. They are very forgiving of such behavior.

Management tip of the week: If you are a small or medium size business owner you are the backbone of America, at least according to every idiot politician that has every drawn breath. America’s success depends on your success. Therefore, you should treat your employees as if they were serfs from the 14th century. It is not enough that they work hard to get the job done. Demand absolute fealty from every one of them. Before hiring anyone, even to do menial labor, run extensive background checks on their credit and criminal history. Have each new hire visit a psychiatrist in order to start building up a file on his or her psychological traits. Look for weaknesses that you may be able to exploit later in their careers. Do your best to try to control their thoughts and actions at home as well as at work. A good start is to demand that all of your workers subscribe to the same religious hocus pocus that you do. Also, remember that drug and alcohol abuse can be a problem with the overworked and underpaid peasant class in the United States. Therefore, you should hire a company to drug test each employee every fucking day just as the sun comes over the horizon. Your workers will enjoy the extra attention provided by someone staring at their genitals at dawn. For suspect employees this should also include blood and tissue samples. Remember, key personnel should be scrutinized like Saudi Arabian students with expired visas applying for flight school. All management level employees should wear ankle monitors so you can keep track of their positions 24 hours a day. These important members of your staff should be made to join the same wacked-out church you attend and should also be supervised closely on election day to make certain they vote for same the wingnut freak that you support. Always keep in mind that you are taking all the risks by owning your own business. Therefore, there is no demand that you can make of your employees that is too ridiculous. All the extra attention will make them feel important and they will love you for it. Remember, you have been empowered by the Almighty to make this world a better place through capitalism, so don’t let America down.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

9Mar2014

Fear And Loathing In Hampton: Tiny Florida Town Declared Most Corrupt City In U.S. For 2013

Posted in environment, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by jerrydickerson8

GAINESVILLE-The tiny village of Hampton, Florida, population 477, has won the coveted “Most Corrupt City in the United States” award from the National Association of Corrupt and Unscrupulous Politicians for the third year running. The award represents a milestone for the town as well as Florida, widely considered the most corrupt and unethical state in the Union. It marks the first time a town has seized the prize for three years in a row. But that’s not all. The town raked in almost every abomination award available for 2013.

This fall, The International Consortium of Unprincipled Purchasing Agents voted Hampton “Best Place To Do Business,” the Bribable Bureaucrat’s Union voted to hold their 2014 convention in Hampton, the National Bad Lieutenant’s League named Hampton “Best Vacation and Resort Destination for 2013,” and Hampton made the top three on the list of “Best Places To Retire” by the Nationwide Guild of Venal and Dishonest Judges.

Hampton has long been known as “The Speedtrap of Doom.” Here two highly trained and morbidly obese patrolmen wait to ensnare and harass bewildered motorists as they try to negotiate the town’s impossible maze of one-way streets and attempt in vain to obey irrational and nonsensical street and highway signs.

The acting mayor of this miniature apocalypse of civics, Myrtice McCullough, attributed the win to a complete lack of organization, an apathetic indifference on the part of the general public, and the deep and burning desire to use government positions for personal gain.”These are the attributes that have made Florida the great state it is today, and we are no different here in Hampton,” she said. “Most of the other towns in the race are also located in Florida, and we had some stiff competition, but our staff showed that in the long run no one could match our zealous devotion to dereliction of duty.” Former mayor Barry Moore could not be reached for his comments on the award because he is currently in captivity awaiting trial for trafficking oxycodone.

Unfortunately for the officials in Hampton, the Florida legislature does not share Mayor McCullough’s enthusiasm for the current state of affairs. State senator Rob Bradley (R) told reporters, “Hampton is like something out of a Southern Gothic novel.” Hampton lies within his district and he is part of the team of lawmakers trying to decide just what the hell to do with the place.

According to an audit done by the State Joint Legislative Auditing Committee, officials in Hampton are guilty of over two dozen violations of local, state, and federal laws. For years the city has been operated like a traveling t-shirt vendor outside a Grateful Dead show, except that in general Deadheads keep better records. What few records the lawmakers could find were written in the margins of phone books found behind the city hall in one of the area’s fetid swamps.

Hernando de Soto used the lovely area around Hampton as a place to temporarily halt his tired troops during their murderous rampage across the southeast. His overworked and underpaid conquistadors used to the much needed time off from pillaging nearby towns to relax and rape captured Native American women at their leisure.

Some of the highlights of the audit were included in a press release handed to journalists after a meeting of the committee in mid February. It seems that the city of Hampton accidentally overpaid one individual (Billy Ray McButte) by more than $9,000 for one week’s work on the septic system. No explanation was ever given for the overpayment, but Mr. McButte and former mayor Barry Moore were seen not long afterwards leaving a south Florida pain clinic carrying two bulging duffel bags.

The city also spent more than $27,000 in one fiscal year without specifying any public purpose whatsoever for the expenditures. Half of the town’s water supply is missing, which is problematic because it has to be trucked in at great expense because of the toxic nature of the springs around Hampton. It seems that the entire area is teeming with all sorts of malevolent bacteria waiting to invade the digestive tracts of unwary residents and visitors. No records of where the potable water went can be located. The town also never kept any records at all for its vehicles, including five police cruisers and three Cadillac Escalades driven by the mayor, the chief of police, and the janitor, a dim-witted descendent of the town’s founder, Phineas Gage.

The tiny hamlet, located only 20 miles north of Gainesville, home of the once-mighty Florida Gators (Steve Spurrier is long gone), has a long and colorful history. Its beautiful live oak trees and crystal clear spring fed lakes have made it an attractive stopover for weary travelers for centuries.

Phineas Gage founded Hampton before the Civil War. It was one of many unfortunate decisions he made in life.

In fact, Hernando de Soto used Hampton as a rest and relaxation area for his Spanish conquistadors during their murderous rampage through the southeast in 1539 and early 1540. Hernando and his crew were touring the area in search of gold and the fabled “Fountain of Youth” when one of his scouts suggested that the men could use a break from the non-stop raping and pillaging of defenseless Indian villages in the area. The area appeared so tranquil that de Soto agreed to the request. Friendly natives from a nearby village tried to enlighten de Soto and his men of the toxic nature of the water around Hampton by using hand gestures illustrating the effects of projectile diarrhea caused by bacteria in the water. However, the hapless de Soto misinterpreted the gestures as an invitation to engage in sexual antics forbidden by the Catholic Church. He therefore ordered that the entire tribe be liquidated in honor of Pope Egregious the Sixth. Historians examining de Soto’s papers attribute the cryptic “LGBT” written on one of de Soto’s maps, with an arrow pointing to Hampton, to be proof that this event really took place. After severe bouts of dysentery and losing a few men to hypovolemic shock, de Soto moved on, never to return.

Hernando de Soto’s story has been repeated hundreds of times (sans the unfortunate friendly tribe of course) over the centuries as different groups of people tried to make the gorgeous surroundings home. However, the persistent presence of Vibrio cholerae in the water has foiled almost every attempt.

Gage tried to turn Hampton into a tourist destination by constructing an antebellum version of Disney World on the site. However, the Emancipation Proclamation dissolved his pool of cheap labor and he had to declare bankruptcy. In this photo visitors to the park frolic on the popular “Nessie” log-flume ride.

Phineas Gage officially founded the town just before the Civil War and tried to make the hamlet a tourist destination by constructing an antebellum version of Disney World. However, the inability to secure pure drinking water, the turmoil caused by cavalry raids, and the unavailability of cheap labor after the Union victory foiled his plans. The resort and water park went under in 1866.

Hampton never really coalesced into a viable town until someone came up with the brilliant idea of turning the town into a speed trap for unwary motorists in the 1970’s. The town passed a series of ordinances that made it a confusing labyrinth of different speed limits that changed every two hundred yards or so. The town also has a bewildering array of one-way streets leading to dead ends with no means of exit, and flashing lights at each intersection that turn from yellow to red to green to a faded chartreuse in rapid succession over and over again.

The huge profits made from tickets written to weary parents and stoned students blowing through town on the way to “The Swamp” allowed Hampton to grow and prosper. Water was trucked in from nearby towns and a Waffle Shoppe opened to cater to the growing force of patrolmen charged with writing tickets to dazed and confused motorists. Eventually the town swelled to over 500 residents. Only recently has the population dropped back to 477 due to an outbreak of bacterial meningitis after a church picnic at Noxious Springs Recreational Area just outside of town. Apparently the pastor leading the event was not warned of the deadly nature of the springs and held new converts under water so long they were contaminated as they gasped for air.

Chief Running Sore has been a strong advocate for the environment going all the way back to the 1970’s.

We at the Cretonia Times-Picayune found the story of Hampton so fascinating that we felt compelled to send our ace reporter, Bruce “The Coyote” Becker down to get more information about the town and give us a feel for what the future holds for the tiny burg. Unfortunately, the only literate citizens of the town are the mayor and the police officers tasked with writing tickets, and all of them have been advised by their lawyers to keep silent. However, Bruce being the tenacious journalist that he is managed to get an interview with the local Seminole Nation representative and casino manager, Big Chief Running Sore. A partial transcript of his interview follows.

Editors note: Bruce reported that Chief Running Sore pressured him into smoking a “Peace Pipe” before the interview so the two could relax and attain a higher level of understanding. The pipe apparently contained a mixture of tobacco and Lebanese blonde hashish leftover from a visit to the Milky Way Hash Bar in Amsterdam during the 1970’s.

Bruce: “First, I’d like to thank you Chief Running Sore, for sitting down and talking with us.”

Chief Running Sore: “You welcome Hebrewsabe. But how Big Chief know he can trust Bruce? Coyote is known as great trickster and prankster among Native American peoples.”

Chief Running Sore is also a strong advocate for legalized prostitution within the Indian nations. He told our reporter that attractive ho’s mean “heap big profits’ for the tribe.

Bruce: “Oh, you can trust me Chief. I’m on a first name basis with almost every retired Mountain Brook police officer you could think of. They’ll vouch for me.”

Chief Running Sore: “OK, Hebrewsabe, you seem to be a good dude. I’ll tell you all about Hampton.”

Bruce: “What’s the town like Chief?”

Chief Running Sore: “Hampton heap bad medicine. Cops always giving Big Chief colossal tickets for galloping through town late at night in iron horse on way home from drinking firewater with young squaws at casino. Make life miserable for Big Chief.”

Bruce: “Do you think it’s the political leadership of the town that’s to blame?”

Chief Running Sore: “White man come to north Florida and make life a living hell for honest Injuns. White man kill all gators that used to roam the plains free and wild and give sustenance to the Red Man. Only jobs left for Red Man are dealing cards to drunk retirees from New Jersey and organizing ridiculous fake rain dance for scantily clad redneck girls on spring break.”

Bruce: “What do you think the future holds for Hampton?”

Chief Running Sore: “Well Hebrewsabe, tribal elders think that area around Hampton would make excellent site of proposed new greyhound racing facility. Heap big bucks in dog racing, according to great white father Rick Scott.”

Editor’s note: At this point Chief Running Sore ordered a young brave to reload the pipe and another round of coughing and hacking ensued.

Despite being known as “The Scab on Florida’s Left Buttock,” Hampton has a very friendly and helpful population of down-to-earth and practical individuals.

Bruce: “Well Big Chief, for some reason I can’t think of any more questions, but I’d like to thank you for your hospitality. I need to go back to the Howard Johnson’s and come down off this buzz. By the way, that is a fabulous version of ‘Fire On The Mountain.’ What show is that from?”

Chief Running Sore: “No problem Mr. Becker, if I can be of any further assistance please get in touch with my executive secretary and she can set up an appointment. If you check with Roger over there he has some complimentary casino chips for you and a pass for the VIP Room.”

Bruce: “What the fuck? For the last hour you’ve been speaking like Tonto and now all of a sudden you sound like Donald Trump. What’s up with that?”

Chief Running Sore: “The accent is just a facade I put up in order to give the idiot vacationers what they’re expecting. My real name is Harvey Small Berries and I have a master’s degree in hotel and casino management from the University of Phoenix. Sorry, but the ‘Chief Running Sore’ bit is damn good for business. If you need to see me again before you head back north just let me know.”

As Bruce exited the Big Chief’s office Mr. Small Berries chuckled and said, “So long, Hebrewsabe.”

Most lawmakers agree that the best solution for the problem of Hampton is razing it to the ground and covering it with salt, just like the Romans did to Carthage after the Third Punic War. Some representatives believe a similar fate awaits Florida if some modicum of rational governance does not reappear soon.

Thus the future of Hampton is shrouded in mystery. Florida state legislators at various times have called Hampton “The Speed Trap of Doom,” “The Detroit of the South,” and “The Hemorrhoid on Florida’s Anus.” A move is currently underway in the Florida state senate to simply erase the town and make it an unincorporated area within Bradford County. The city hall and other public buildings would be converted into a museum depicting everything that could possibly go wrong with western civilization. The move most likely will not meet with any opposition from the town’s citizens or officials since almost all of them are under investigation by state and federal authorities.

Many congressional leaders in Washington, D.C. agree with the move and think that what’s good for Hampton would be good for the entire State of Florida. After all, as state senator Rob Bradley said, “Most people don’t understand why it exists in the first place.”

6Mar2014

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part Three)

Posted in environment, health care, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by jerrydickerson8

Spend months devising a revolutionary squirrel-free design for your bird feeder

React like Brick Top would if anyone has the impertinence to suggest that you have faults just like everyone else on the planet

Buy a handy home blood pressure monitor and take it with you everywhere you go. Take your blood pressure every thirty minutes and worry like hell all the time that you are going to have a stroke. This will serve to raise your blood pressure even higher and make you more alert.

When giving cash gifts to loved ones or close friends be sure to monitor the way in which the cash is spent. React in a negative, childlike manner if it is spent on “unauthorized items.” Gifts should be used as a method of controlling and manipulating those around you.

When serving red meat always cook it until it resembles shoe leather or a lump of coal. Remember, microbes are everywhere and you don’t want to be sued for making someone sick. Besides, you know better than others how they should consume their food.

Always go to church every Sunday in order to keep up appearances, but don’t take the sermons too seriously. Stick with the blood-drenched Old Testament for useful hints on culture and society. Helping the downtrodden and accepting those who are different from you is for weak-minded twits.

Serial killers have given sociopathy a bad name. Compassion and empathy for our fellow human beings is for liberals and losers. Try to stay within the framework of the law, but be as ruthless in your daily life as Commodore Vanderbilt or Jay Gould

Always trust the advice of strangers over that of loved ones. Remember, strangers are completely neutral whereas relatives have malevolent ulterior motives.

Sex should strictly be for procreation and not pleasure. However, if you are pressured into having sex with your long-term mate, just after you are finished, leap up, take a shower, and put new linen on the bed. You never know what kind of germs your partner may be harboring even though you watch him like a hawk all the time. Better safe than sorry.

If you are forced to participate in the messy and unhygienic act of making love to your partner, for God’s sake stick to a tried-and-true church-approved position and get the unpleasant act over with as quickly as possible. Remember, for every minute you experience pleasure, that’s ten years in purgatory!

If you are unfortunate enough to reproduce in your lifetime set up a set of rules and regulations for your spawn similar in size and scope to the U.S. tax code. Any deviation from these guidelines should always be met with exaggerated disgust and harsh punishment. This will turn your heinous kids into prosperous, well-adjusted adults. It will also guarantee a nice quiet funeral for you without all that ridiculous crying and sobbing.

Always take yourself as seriously as a suicide bomber preparing to detonate in a crowd of schoolchildren. Remember, anyone who disagrees with your thoughts or actions is an insane heretic and should be treated as such.

Once you get to know them well enough, boss around new acquaintances as if their life depended on staying in your good graces. People love this and will appreciate your guidance in their meaningless lives.

If by some miracle you find someone who will tolerate your phobias and obsessions and you have kids, pick out a good role model to emulate as a parent. A good example would be Ruth Carson, Johnny’s mom, who never thought he was funny, did not understand his success, and never failed to mention it in numerous interviews.

Express your insecurity by reacting like an angry bull rhinoceros if others fail to adopt your daily schedule and working hours. For example, if someone sleeps an hour later than you do, try your best to make that person feel lazy and worthless. Remember, senseless and continuous childlike criticism is great motivator

Express your particular disorder by showing a complete ignorance of concepts like metaphor and hyperbole. Take everything everyone says literally and show a lack of understanding of satire and other forms of comedy.

Keep a sharp eye out for shiftless and lazy relatives who don’t want to join in on your obsessive and near-continuous cleaning and reorganizing. They’ll try anything to buck your tried and true system of twittering your life away with details. Research shows that most rattlesnake bites and chain-saw accidents are self-inflicted injuries used by lazy bastards just to try to take a day off work. Remember, you are the only person alive who is allowed to be sick.

If you spawn more than one offspring, pick out a favorite and stick with him or her. Remember, equal treatment only confuses children. Everyone in the family should be well aware of the pecking order. This makes for smooth interpersonal relations and well-adjusted teenagers.

Management tip of the week: Force incredulous Latin American yard workers to remove all life-giving organic matter from your yard once every two weeks. Replace it with harsh man-made chemical fertilizers that will eventually be carried away by rainwater into the aquifer from which you get your drinking water. Remember, 1950’s technology and ideas are always the best choice!

Tips for Bad Living are reprinted by permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication of Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

25Feb2014

Editor Acquires Awesome New Jacket With Numerous Pockets And Zippers

Posted in environment, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by jerrydickerson8

SANTA ROSA BEACH-Cretonia Times-Picayune editor and all around wonderful guy Jerry Dickerson has acquired a cool new “Steep Tech” jacket from The North Face via the fabulous folks at Backcountry.com. During a phone interview with our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker, Mr. Dickerson said that he will use the jacket on his summit bid on Mount Mediocrity later this spring.

Mt. Mediocrity is the highest point in Cretonia, towering a full 95 meters (312 feet) above mean sea level. (For our readers in Florida we are not saying that the sea is malevolent or parsimonious. Mean sea level is a datum representing the average height of the ocean’s surface and is used as a reference point for determining land elevation.) The mountain is considered one of the most dangerous in the southeast. It has been compared to K2 in level of difficulty, but a more apt comparison would probably be Mt. Suribachi in February of 1945. The slopes of the peak are littered with the corpses of climbers dating back as far as the mid 50’s. The mountain is considered too hazardous for teams to be sent in to recover the remains.

Mt. Mediocrity is considered treacherous and life threatening because of a series of deadly obstacles that any climber must conquer on the way to the summit. Unlike on K2 there are no multi-ton seracs waiting to crash down upon your head. However, a series of man-made (or more accurately cretin-made) horrors await the intrepid climber and threaten to deprive him of life and limb.

The only viable route up the mountain is via its north face and it is fraught with peril. First, one must make it through a gauntlet of brain-washed high school kids who come to Florida from all over the country to spend their spring break waiting to ambush the unwary with “come to Jesus or you will roast in hell for eternity” religious tracts. This terrifying prospect is usually enough to dissuade most adventurers, but it is only the beginning.

Florida State Senator Bubba McDim from Panama City is the current record-holder thanks to a lightning-fast three-week ascent of the dangerous peak

Once through the rabid teenage zealots, one must successfully negotiate the Lake County Sheriff’s Department Sniper Training Facility, which is located at the base of the massif. Deputies trying out for the coveted sniper positions within the department are known for their propensity to waste prodigious quantities of ammo firing wildly at anything that moves. This is because the officers are allowed to take home any meat they kill to serve for supper. The skeletons of deer, raccoons, possums, and even stray dogs and cats make the landscape look like something out of a horror flick.

Next the audacious climber must pick his way through an EPA Superfund site consisting of dozens of burned-out trailers that were once thriving meth-labs. Hikers who have ventured into this area by mistake have returned to civilization with running sores all over their bodies and scorched lungs caused by exposure to harsh chemicals.

But perhaps the most mortifying of all the hurdles one faces on the climb is the trip through the satellite graveyard of the nearby Florida School for Boys located near the summit. Here the restless souls of hundreds of delinquent teenage boys, murdered by their guards in bygone days, wander around seeking vengeance and some kind of justice for the maltreatment they experienced in life. The bones of the dead rest in elevated graves made of logs and branches similar to the structures encountered by Robert Redford in the movie Jeremiah Johnson. This is the area where most climbers come to grief.

Senator McDim’s wife Bertha does not like Dickerson’s chances. “That smart-ass liberal son of a bitch don’t stand a chance of beatin’ my Bubba’s record. He must be dreamin’ if he thinks he can clumb up ‘ere ‘at quick!”

Mr. Dickerson plans to make the ascent in what would be a record time of three days. The present record holder, Florida State Senator Bubba McDim of Panama City, took three weeks to make it to the summit in the spring of 2009. Once there he celebrated by planting the Confederate battle flag as a protest against the “first Muslim negra president of the United States.” If he survives the ascent Mr. Dickerson plans on replacing the Confederate banner with a flag combining the Greenpeace and PETA insignia on a background of the old Soviet hammer and sickle logo.

“I bought the jacket to wear as a shell as I make my final summit push,” said Mr. Dickerson. It is specially designed to keep out powder and the thing has all sorts of neat pockets on it where I can store essentials like my cellphone, Marlboro’s, and the latest copies of the Huffpost and Daily Kos that I intend to print-out before departure.” (Just what kind of powder Mr. Dickerson is referring to he did not specify.)

Although the ascent is considered almost suicidal by most members of the climbing world, if Dickerson makes it to the summit he will have no problem descending. The entire south face of the peak has been converted into a giant water-slide and cheap amusement park featuring tooth-rotting cotton candy, lukewarm draft beer, and a never-ending stream of hideous overweight women participating in wet t-shirt contests. All our editor will have to do is strip down to his Speedo and slide back to what passes for civilization here in Cretonia.

We at the Cretonia Times-Picayune wish him the best of luck.

28Jan2014

National Weather Service To Residents Of Birmingham: “You Are Absolutely Correct. We Are Unable To Locate Our Ass Even When Using Both Hands.”

Posted in environment, humor, Uncategorized, weather by jerrydickerson8

BIRMINGHAM-As Birmingham, Alabama descends into utter chaos reminiscent of the zombie apocalypse in World War Z, residents of the city wonder why they were given little or no warning of the winter storm currently ravaging the area. Kids are stuck at school, adults stuck at work, and major highways are scenes of complete pandemonium as ice and snow paralyze travel. The “weather event” was predicted to begin much further south and give ample warning of its approach. That is not how it has worked out at all, much to the distress of the citizens of Jefferson County and at least one unfortunate Weather Channel employee.

Authorities are pleading for calm as scattered reports of violence are coming in from around the area. A local station in Birmingham is reporting that a Weather Channel field reporter was dragged from in front of a camera team and nailed to a large oak on a hill overlooking Interstate 65 just south of the city limits. Bobby Joe Smegma, a witness to the event, stated “One of those idiots from the Weather Channel was grinning and stating the obvious, like they always do, and a crowd of folks whose cars were stuck in the ice started to gather around. He was going on and on about how ‘no one knew this was coming’ and ‘look, it’s still coming down!’ and it was just too much for the crowd to take. People started to yell ‘lynch him!’ and he thought they were kidding. They were not kidding. Two big trucker dudes dragged the guy over to the tree and held him there while three pissed-off housewives nailed him in place. It was hilarious.”

Local governments in and around north Alabama find themselves in the unusual circumstance of being upstaged by their usually woefully incompetent counterparts 250 miles to the south, along the Gulf Coast. Schools are closed there and law enforcement entities are on high alert in preparation for the same storm that is expected to arrive there tonight. Always willing to lend a helping hand, Florida Governor Rick Scott has offered to send armored units of the Florida National Guard north into Alabama to clear the roads of vehicles and loitering pedestrians through the use of high explosive rounds and flame-throwing tanks. Scott has ordered Warthog ground-attack aircraft at Eglin Air Force Base to be armed with Vietnam-era napalm canisters to scorch the interstates free of ice if necessary. Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has declined the offer for the time being.

For its part the National Weather Service and The Weather Channel have issued a joint communique begging the citizens of Alabama for understanding and forgiveness. “We are very sorry for any inconvenience our inability to do our job has caused. In the future we hope to do better and let you guys know a little bit ahead of time when Armageddon is about to come down on your heads.”

Both the Weather Service and The Weather Channel have displayed the correct amount of remorse given the situation. However, the traditional meteorological disaster toga party will go on as planned at Weather Channel Headquarters in Atlanta tonight. No doubt we will begin to see the inevitable results of this shindig four to five months from now when the female anchors start to show. The last major surprise blizzard to hit the south back in the early 90’s is credited with the production of seven zygotes at the Weather Channel alone.

13Jan2014

Courageous Politicians Shrug Off West Virginia Chemical Spill

Posted in environment, humor, politics, Uncategorized by jerrydickerson8

CHARLESTON-At press conference on Saturday, government officials and industry leaders told the citizens of West Virginia that the chemical spill causing so much consternation was really nothing to worry about. Speaking from the safety of the heavily fortified Robert Byrd Crisis Command Center deep below the capitol building, Governor Earl Ray Tomblin apologized to the public for any inconvenience that the “minor” spill had caused. He assured the citizens of West Virginia that although no one knew much about the nature of the chemical or how much had spilled, the effects on public health would be negligible.

The spill was made public on Thursday after reports from citizens of a “licorice-type” odor in the tap water of Charleston and the counties that surround it. Apparently the leak emanated from a 40,000 gallon holding tank at Freedom Industries on the banks of the Elk River, the source of drinking water for over 300,000 West Virginians. At first the company reported that the tank held Dawn dish-washing liquid for its lunch room clean up staff, but after dead fish began surfacing downstream, company spokesman Dr. Emelio Lizardo admitted that the tank contained 4-methylcyclohexane, a chemical used to cleanse coal.

Hundreds of thousands of residents have been warned not to drink, shower, cook, or clean with tap water until further notice. The West Virginia National Guard, FEMA, and private water companies are sending water tankers and bottled water into affected areas. As of today no one knows when the water will be safe to drink.

Governor Tomblin was quick to soothe public concerns over the spill. ” I want everyone to know that all of your hard-working elected officials are safe and have plenty of pure water to drink. This unfortunate slip-up will in no way hinder the normal functions of government. I want to state for the record that Freedom Industries and the coal industry in general are friends to both me and the good people of West Virginia. Freedom Industries and the Clean Coal Council have been leaders in the fight to keep the EPA and its business-killing regulations out of our fair state and I’m here to let everyone in West Virginia know that no one’s job is in jeopardy. We will continue to demolish picturesque mountaintops, pour toxic sludge into our streams and rivers, and pollute the atmosphere just as enthusiastically as we have done for the last fifty years. Our economy depends on it!”

Senator Joe Manchin (D-West Va) was unable to attend the presser as he was called away to Washington on urgent business as soon as it was apparent that he would have no drinkable water at his estate located in stylish Black Lung Gardens, a gated community outside Charleston. However, he did appear via secure video link, and had this to say: “I want to apologize for this unfortunate event but I know that we West Virginians are very resilient people and are used to all types of environmental degradation, so I know we can take it in stride. In the meantime, bottled water will be made available at the following locations: The Robert Byrd Research Library, The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Hospital, The Bob Byrd Central Post Office, The “Little Billy” Bird Memorial Animal Shelter, and any one of the over 200 Byrd’s Cash and Carry locations in and around Charleston.” Senator Manchin continued, “In the unlikely event that anyone needs spiritual counseling regarding the event, they may seek it at Our Lady of the Immaculate Pork Barrel Catholic Church, located adjacent to the Bobby Byrd Memorial Golf Course, on Robert Byrd Scenic Drive.”

President of Freedom Industries Gary Southern

The President of Freedom Industries, Mr. Gary Southern, was also present at the press conference, but it was almost impossible to hear his statement because he was completely encapsulated in a stylish personally tailored Saint-Gobain hazmat suit. Transcripts of his remarks were later distributed to reporters, and we have this excerpt: “We at Freedom Industries want to apologize for any inconvenience we have caused the people of West Virginia and any of their pets or farm animals that may have been contaminated. We have no earthly idea how this spill could have occurred, since we always observe only the most stringent safety measures. I want to reiterate what Governor Tomblin has already said in that we in the coal industry will continue to provide the extremely hazardous low paying jobs we have always provided the people of West Virginia. In response to some of the inquiries made earlier I’d like to introduce our safety officer, County Agent Hank Kimball. He has a prepared statement that should answer all your questions.”

Recent reports of huge flesh-eating amphibians living downstream from Freedom Industries have been ridiculed by public officials as being “flights of fancy” dreamed up by drunken fishermen

Mr. Kimball then took the podium and began a long and disorganized monologue about storage tanks, river water, and former Senator Robert Byrd. “We don’t know how much of the chemical spilled into the river, because we don’t know how much leaked out of the storage tank, and we really are not sure how much was in the tank to begin with,” said Kimball. “We don’t know a hell of a lot about the chemical in question, and don’t know why toxic substances were stored in massive decrepit tanks that appear to be suspended directly above the region’s only source of drinking water, the Elk River.” Mr. Kimball paused to wipe some pink sputum off his chin and then continued, “We do know that 4-methylcyclohexane helps us produce the high quality coal this country depends on to heat up the entire planet and make places like the Arctic Circle warmer and more inhabitable. I think we can all agree that is a good thing. We have made some calls to the company that produces the chemical, and sometime next week we should be able to shed more light on when it may be safe to drink the water again. Thank you very much for your patience.”

The last environmental group that ventured into West Virginia met with difficulties at the hands of the locals

Environmental advocates such as Greenpeace have for years warned of the damage done to the ecology of West Virginia by the coal industry but solid evidence has been hard to come by because entry into the region has been blocked by right-wing militias and groups of thugs hired by “Big Coal.” The last group of conservationists that entered the state and came out alive was in 1972, and even that group suffered one fatality. “It’s a really sad situation,” said Luna Willow, a representative of “Save the Mountaintops,” an environmentalist organization dedicated to preventing coal companies from literally reducing entire mountains to lifeless moonscapes. “I hope that this spill serves as a wake-up call to all Americans. If we don’t start taking care of our environment all of us will be drinking foaming agent just like the citizens of West Virginia.”

In November of last year West Virginia Attorney General filed a brief with the Supreme Court against the EPA regarding implementation of the Clean Air Act. Furthermore, Senator Joe Manchin has stated in the past that EPA regulations are unfairly hurting Appalachian coal mining.

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