Category Archives: humor

CBO Warns Of Increased Deficits If Trump Elected

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russianprisoners

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Congressional Budget Office released a statement this morning which warned that there would be grave economic consequences if Donald Trump gains the White House.

The report detailed the tremendous expense of building and maintaining the huge number of concentration camps necessary to house and slaughter the millions of Hispanics, Muslims, homosexuals, journalists, opposition politicians, and intellectuals that Trump has promised to silence were he elected.

“Sure, we would get some reward out of the forced labor that would be made available as these people slowly starve to death, but the costs far outweigh the benefits,” said Keith Hall, director of the CBO. “We did extensive computer modeling of the problem, and even if we reduced the food intake of the prisoners to around 600 calories per day, we would still be in the red. It’s expensive business killing all these folks.”

Donald Trump reacted to the report in a series of Tweets today calling the CBO’s analysis a “load of crap.”

“The CBO has no idea what it’s talking about,” said the presidential hopeful. “I’ll build the biggest, most beautiful concentration camps the world has ever seen. The Nazis ain’t got nothing on Trump. And, I’ll tell you something else, when I’m elected I’ll do away with the CBO and put its employees behind barbed wire where they belong.”

When opposing GOP candidates pointed out that Trump’s popularity would fall once he ran low on victims, Trump pointed out that there was an unlimited supply.

“Once we do away with all the Mexicans and Muslims, we can start working on the Catholics, Jews, and poor people,” said Trump. “There’s always another scapegoat waiting in the wings.”

 

 

Hillary Proposes Federal Night Light Program For Pussified Americans

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nightlite

 

SCAREDYCAT, IOWA – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa this morning, Hillary Clinton unveiled her plans for a new federal program that would provide night lights for cowardly Americans who are terrified that they may become victims of Islamic terror.

The program would distribute night lights to families who could not otherwise afford them. It would also provide adult diapers to those who soil themselves at the mere mention of anything Islamic.

“I know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night only to realize that there are strange people in weird outfits wandering around your bedroom,” said Clinton.

“I hope this program will boost the courage of the millions of Americans who seem to have the backbone of a jellyfish. After all, you’re more likely to be eaten alive by a horde of rabid rodents than be a victim of terrorists.”

The proposal was universally condemned by GOP candidates who said that it was just another liberal handout designed to make Americans dependent on government.

Republican senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz called the proposal a typical Democrat move to try to turn night into day.

“We need to concentrate on turning black and brown into white instead,” said Cruz, as he stole candy from a small child.

Clinton promised that during her first month in office she would do everything she possibly could to bolster the self-esteem and courage of the pussies who seem to make up such a large part of the American electorate.

 

Nation’s Cats Grateful For Something New To Demolish

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Christmas-Tree-Bad-Cat-2

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – The Fraternal Order of Felines issued a statement this week thanking its human servants for once again bringing trees and shrubs inside homes across America this year and adorning them with fragile objects and wires with flashing lights on them.

The statement included testimonials from cats from every corner of the country about past winters when they wreaked havoc on numerous trees, destroyed valuable ornaments, and chewed through electrical wiring while successfully blaming the carnage on the family dog.

christmastreecat

Einstein from Sioux Falls said that lying in wait and pouncing on unsuspecting elderly relatives was his favorite pastime every Chrismas

“I look forward to this time every year,” said Socrates, a cat from Birmingham, Alabama. “There’s nothing better than waiting until my humans leave to visit grandma, and then completely undoing all their hard work. I really appreciate all the effort they put in every winter.”

Some cats stated that they prefer the real thing while others said they liked artificial trees better.

christmascat

Edgar from Atlanta, Georgia said that although it was big fun to wreak havoc with the fire department every once in a while, an indoor tree offered possibilities not found outdoors

“I prefer artificial trees,” said Einstein, a Grey Tabby from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. “They’re much more satisfying to chew on and you can admire the damage you did last year when they drag the thing out of the attic after Thanksgiving.”

Pandora, a Maine Coon from Los Angeles, California, disagreed saying, “There’s nothing better than a human trying to take a shortcut and putting a ceramic tree on the server in the dining room. They scare hell out of the dog when they crash to the floor, and all the debris is fun to bat around.”

Whatever the type of tree, the kitty consensus was that as long as humans continue to feed them and go to such ridiculous extremes to entertain them with new and creative decorations each Christmas, they would stick around the house for years to come.

 

 

 

 

CNN Moves GOP Debate Venue To Some Beer Hall In Munich

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hitler2

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Jeff Zucker, president of CNN Worldwide, announced this morning that Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate would be moved from The Venetian in Las Vegas, Nevada to the Bürgerbräukeller Jr, a large beer hall in Munich, Germany.

Zucker made the announcement during an appearance on CNN’s New Day, hosted by noted intellectual Chris Comatose.

“We thought that the change of venue was appropriate given what is going on in today’s Republican Party and the atmosphere would better reflect the ideas and policy proposals of the front runners for the nomination,” said Zucker.

Reaction to the move was mixed among the candidates with some backing the change wholeheartedly and others worried that it might disrupt campaign schedules.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz both told Sean Hannity on his radio show that they felt right at home in Munich and looked forward to meeting hair-challenged supporters in the region.

However, some candidates such as Jeb Bush were uncertain about the last minute change because Germany had accepted so many Syrian refugees in recent weeks.

“I think we could be opening ourselves up to a security risk,” said Bush. “The vast majority of those refugees are Muslims, and I just don’t see how Germany could be as safe as the good ole USA where all us Christians live.”

Perhaps the most confusing response came from the Carson Campaign.

“I’m really looking forward to visiting Germany,” said Carson. “I’ve never been to South America before.”

Zucker dismissed criticism from right wing radio that the change of venue was a liberal media conspiracy to make the Republicans look like a bunch of clowns.

“They certainly don’t need our help to do that,” chuckled Zucker.

 

 

FBI Now Pretty Sure Radicalized Muslim Couple That Stockpiled Weapons, Ammo, And Explosives Before Murdering 14 People At Christmas Party Might Have Been Terrorists

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california-terror-couple

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – FBI Director James Comey said that after some intense investigation the agency was leaning towards thinking that Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik were terrorists.

“I don’t want to judge before all the facts are in, but it’s beginning to look like this couple could be jihadi lunatics,” said Comey, during an interview on CNN.

However, Comey said that we need to very careful not to label the couple before the investigation is complete.

Comey said that just because the couple was Muslim, had contact with radical supporters of ISIS, possessed an arsenal of weapons, thousands of rounds of ammo, and had a habit of building pipe bombs in their child’s nursery, did not mean that the newlyweds were necessarily a terrorist threat.

“Plenty of Americans have arsenals in their home and bring their infants to the firing range,” said Comey, a strong supporter of the NRA.

“Just because you hold radical opinions doesn’t make you a terrorist either,” he continued, “I mean, their are plenty of idiots who spend their weekends screaming Bible verses at innocent women entering Planned Parenthood clinics. It’s important that responsible Americans differentiate between terrorists and just plain old assholes.”

Comey promised the American public that just as soon as the FBI decided how to label the couple, other than aerated lumps of unrecognizable decaying flesh, he would let us know.

 

SeaWorld Phasing Out Becker Shows

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bruce

ORLANDO – (CT&P) – The iconic Bruce Becker shows at SeaWorld Orlando’s park will soon be no more.

Amid ongoing public criticism and regulatory pressure, the amusement park announced that it will be phasing out its “theatrical” Becker show in 2016, and debut a new “Becker experience” the following year, one that promises a more “natural” setting.

“We start everything by listening to our guests and evolving our shows to what we’re hearing, and so far that’s what we’ve been hearing in Florida and across the country, they want experiences that are more natural and experiences that look more natural in the environment,” CEO Joel Manby told investors today, the Orlando Sentinel reported.

SeaWorld has recently been under tremendous pressure from animal rights activists and and environmentalists to release Becker back into the wild where he belongs.

“It’s not right to capture a wild animal and force him to perform tricks just to make a profit,” said Ingrid Newkirk, founder of PETA.

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Manby said that beginning in 2017 Becker will be free to roam around in natural settings with other strange and exotic creatures. 

“We’ve been told by insiders that Bruce spends most of his time in a basement that’s been prone to flooding in the past, and he’s only brought out for people to gawk at when there’s a little money to be made.

“There are even rumors that before he’s brought out to perform, trainers shave his chest and back to make him “dolphin smooth” so he can move more rapidly through the water. It’s just heartbreaking.

“It’s cruel and unusual treatment even for a species as wild and unpredictable as Bruce. We feel such treatment is unconscionable, and we applaud SeaWorld’s decision to phase out the Becker shows.”

Manby told reporters this morning that starting in 2017, Becker will be free to roam the countryside with other weird and wonderful creatures. Films from those adventures will be shown to visitors at SeaWorld Orlando.

“It’s a pilot program and if the response is good, we intend to use it to free some of our other beasts, such as the shy and retiring Elmore fish, a creature that has not been seen in public for years,” said Manby.”

 

Desperate Carson To Lobotomize Another Set Of Twins On National Television

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ben-carson-300x210

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – After seeing his poll numbers plummet over recent weeks because of his complete ignorance regarding foreign policy, GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has agreed to separate another set of conjoined twins live on national television.

Carson is scheduled to perform the surgery the week before Christmas, and an 800 number and dedicated web site will be available for contributions to his campaign during the event. Carson plans on cutting the normally nine hour operation down to a mere three hours so he can perform the entire surgery in prime time.

In order to emphasize his surgical expertise, Carson plans limit his instruments to a hacksaw, a pair of garden shears, and a curling iron to cauterize the wound in order to stem blood loss.

“Dr. Carson hopes that by replicating the operation that made him famous, but in more spectacular fashion, he can rejuvenate his campaign and retake the initiative,” said Carson campaign manager Barry Bennett.

“This time the operation will be on national television and Dr. Carson will emphasize speed instead of precision. Hopefully the American public will be impressed enough with Dr. Carson’s skill as a surgeon that they’ll forget that he’s a fucking moron when it comes to almost every other subject.”

Experts predict that the unorthodox technique will render basically the same results as his prior efforts with conjoined twins, most of whom are unable to speak or feed themselves even after years of therapy.

“Results are not what’s important here,” said Bennett. “You have to remember that Dr. Carson is a Republican.”

 

 

 

Playoff Picture Muddled As Team Muslim Struggles To Qualify

Posted in humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by

shooters

SAN BERNARDINO – (CT&P) – The Mass Shooting Playoff picture remains confused as perennial favorite Team Muslim continues to struggle.

Although Team Muslim tried to mount a late season comeback this week, the dominant White Protestant Conference teams are way out in front.

As of today, only three teams have qualified for the post-season, which kicks off on January 1st.

Deranged White Christians holds a commanding lead and is expected to enter the playoffs in the top spot, thus enjoying home field advantage throughout.

Neo-Confederate Assholes currently holds the number two slot, but Pro-Life Religious Kooks is nipping at its heels, and has shown promise in recent weeks.

Wacked-Out Motorized Black Folks, an east coast team that put in a strong showing a few years back, has basically been a no-show this season.

With only three domestic teams qualifying so far, the tournament’s sponsor, the NRA, is looking at bringing in a foreign team, a move that is sure to rile Americans’ sense of pride.

“We certainly don’t want to have to bring in a team that our fans aren’t familiar with, but if Team Muslim can’t get its body count up, or if we don’t see a late surge from a team like Insecure White Cops or Team Mafia, well then we’ll have to bring in Drug Kingpin State or some other team from Mexico or Central America,” said Wayne LaPierre, who runs the tournament for the NRA.

“We even thought of granting a new franchise to Syrian refugees entering the country by arming them to the teeth with automatic weapons and explosives, but our executive board determined that widows and orphans fleeing a war zone could just not make up enough ground in time to make the post-season.

“We’re planning on making one last-ditch effort to get an American team in the fourth slot by blocking all common-sense gun control laws while conducting a huge assault weapon and RPG giveaway just before Christmas, but I’m not holding my breath.”

Deranged White Christians has been ranked number one from wire to wire this year and Vegas oddsmakers have made the team a prohibitive favorite to win it all.

 

God Withdraws Support For Carson Campaign

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GOD!!

ROME – (CT&P) – At a press conference just outside the Vatican this morning God announced that he would be withdrawing his support for the Carson Campaign effective immediately.

God told reporters that after reviewing Dr. Carson’s statements regarding a variety of issues he could no longer support the retired neurosurgeon for the GOP nomination.

“In the end it was really not a hard decision,” said God. “This guy does not know his ass from a hole in the ground on most subjects, and he’s clueless when it comes to foreign policy. He would be an absolute disaster as president.

“At first I thought because he was a neurosurgeon he would be a smart dude, capable of making the hard the decisions a president has to make every day,” said the Creator of the Universe. “But I’m surprised this guy can wipe his own ass. I mean he is dumb! It just goes to show you that you don’t have to be some kind of genius to crack a head open,” chuckled the omniscient deity.

The American public apparently agrees with God’s assessment as Carson has been steadily slipping in the polls lately. Most pundits attribute the slide to the increased attention Carson received when he briefly led the Republican field.

bencarsonlunatic

Most people agree that Dr. Carson is a little touched, just not by God

“The more you look at Ben Carson, the more you see a simple-minded chowderhead incapable of critical thought,” said GOP political consultant Karl Rove. “Hillary would chew him up and spit him out like a plug of tobacco.”

When a reporter from CNN informed him of God’s decision, Carson accused him of being part of a liberal media conspiracy inspired by Satan.

“All you guys are just out to get me,” whispered a rapidly blinking Carson, as he twirled his hands in semi circles.

“I feel the fingers of God gently touching me telling me I’ll be President someday.”

When journalists contacted God for a response, he denied he had ever touched Carson gently or otherwise.

“I never fingered Dr. Carson in any way whatsoever,” said Jehovah. “What do you think I am, some sort of pervert? I’ve never touched the son of a bitch in my life. He’s out of his small mind.”

 

 

Carson To Visit Refugees In Jordan

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dogs3

AMMAN – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate and simpleton Dr. Ben Carson is visiting Jordan today in an attempt boost his foreign policy chops and prove to people he knows where it is, according to a spokesman within the Carson Campaign.

“I find when you have firsthand knowledge of things as opposed to secondhand, thirdhand, or fourteenth hand, it makes a much stronger impression,” Mr. Carson said in an interview before his departure, planned for late Thanksgiving Day on a charter aircraft.

“That’s why I never read any books other than the Bible. You just can’t be sure that anyone who writes something down knows what they are talking about. It’s much better to visit places, force your eyes open with toothpicks, and look around for yourself.”

dogs

Dr. Carson is expected to highlight the plight of refugees fleeing the civil war in Syria

In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a veterinary hospital. He is bringing dog biscuits and chew toys to distribute to the puppies.

Although aides to Dr. Carson said that the visit to Jordan was his idea, rumors persist that he was asked to go by the CIA as part of a plan to confuse our enemies in the Middle East.

cujo2

Carson’s Secret Service detail will make the trip with him in order to protect him from terrorists hiding within the crowds of desperate refugees

“Our intelligence services feel that if Carson roams around the Middle East making incoherent speeches and whispering weird shit about the pyramids, ISIS and other terrorist groups will make the assumption that they have already won and quit trying to kill us,” said Mike Morell, former deputy director of the CIA.

“The idea is, once our enemies see how inept and ignorant our presidential candidates are, they’ll assume we are already on the road to ruin and they’ll redirect their effort to other targets.”

Dr. Carson is expected to wander around aimlessly in the Middle East for a few days before returning to make idiotic statements back here at home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a clinic and a hospital. He is bringing soccer balls and Beanie Babies to distribute to children.