Category Archives: humor

Obama Recalls Kerry From Middle East, Dispatches Brick Top To Take His Place

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Brick-Top-Snatch-1

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to the president have informed Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that Mr. Obama is recalling Secretary of State John Kerry from the Middle East and is planning to send Brick Top over to take his place.

John Kerry

This marks the second occasion Secretary Kerry has been recalled and replaced with Brick Top

“This is the second time we’ve had to recall that naive dufus from an international crisis zone and send in Brick Top to clean up the mess, and the president is pretty pissed off about it,” said the source, who wished to remain anonymous.

“The first time was when Putin made an absolute fool out of John over that whole Crimea mess. Now he’s over there bumbling around Israel and Gaza, and he’s threatening to go to Baghdad to try to ‘save’ the Iraqi government from itself. Everywhere this dude goes he makes things worse.”

“Only last week Bibi Netanyahu rang me up and begged for us to ‘get that idiot out of my reception area.'”

It seems that with the ground invasion of Gaza in full swing, Secretary Kerry was loitering around outside the prime minister’s office drinking a Tab and telling everyone he could corner that “the world was a complex and dangerous place.”

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Brick Top enjoyed a cup of tea at one location of his chain of airport concession stands while his private jet was being fueled. Brick Top won the rights to his concession stands by feeding the competing bidders to hungry pigs on his farm in Connecticut

“Kerry is a good guy and he means well,” said the source, but he has a sixth-grade grasp of geopolitics. In short, Kerry has a ‘brilliant grasp of the obvious'”

Brick Top is scheduled to depart Dulles International aboard his private jet “Hog Farmer One” around noon today.

He was mobbed by reporters as he left his home in Georgetown early this morning. One reporter asked him to comment on Kerry being recalled.

Brick Top replied: “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.”

At Dulles Brick Top paused long enough to send a message to the unruly Arabs of the Middle East.

“I’m on my way over there my towel-headed pals, and I want that place nice and peaceful by the time my plane sets down in Tel Aviv.”

“And I have a special message for you wacked-out camel jockeys of ISIS. You are going to meet your nemesis. Do you know what ‘nemesis’ means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me!”

 

Bachmann Cancels Remaining Debates With Banjo

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bachman5

Bachmann often looked like the proverbial “deer-in-the-headlights” during her first two debates with Banjo

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A spokesman for the Bachmann 2016 Campaign, who wished to remain anonymous, told our crack investigative journalist Bruce “The Coyote” Becker this morning that Michele Bachmann will be canceling the three remaining debates she had scheduled with Banjo, a 14-year-old terrier living in the Murphy, N.C. area.

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During the last debate Bachmann’s blood pressure rose so sharply she had a minor CVA

The series of five debates, taking place in public forums around the southeast, was meant to have been a warm up for the upcoming presidential campaign in 2016.

“Our plan was to start Michele out debating someone her own speed, such as a dog or cat, so that she could gain confidence and sharpen her debating skills, before moving up to greater challenges such as gorillas, chimpanzees, and finally eighth graders,” said the spokesman.

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For years Banjo has been renowned for his grasp of the facts and his fierce debating skills.

However, things went awry when Banjo soundly spanked Bachmann in the first debate on the topic of healthcare in the United States.

“Michele took that defeat in stride,” said the spokesman, “because she is so used to having her ass handed to her during town meetings and in the halls of Congress. But when Banjo absolutely blew her away in the second debate, Michele just turned into a quivering mass of protoplasm.”

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Although Banjo’s great-great grandfather, Cosmo de Santa Anna crossed the border illegally, he eventually gained his citizenship and used his savage and aggressive skills in debate to launch a successful political career. He served three terms as mayor of San Antonio

It seems that the topic of the second debate, immigration, is particularly close to Banjo’s heart because some of his ancestors crossed the border illegally from the Mexican state of Chihuahua. Despite this handicap, many have gone on to win “Best In Breed” at the Westminster Dog Show.

“Banjo just ripped her a new asshole,” continued the spokesman. “He pointed out that without immigrants America would be ‘just another half-assed banana republic with all the diversity of homogenized milk.'”

According to the transcript of the debate, Banjo pummeled Bachmann with statistics illuminating just how hard-working immigrants are, be they legal or illegal.

“Who the hell do you think picks all those vegetables and fruits you shove down your gullet at taxpayer’s expense during all those Washington parties, Bachmann?” said Banjo in one exchange.

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Banjo, disgusted with the lackluster quality of his competition, told his manager Jerry Dickerson: “That woman is as dumb as a box of rocks. Wake my ass up when you come up with a worthy opponent. I’m sick of these dullards like Sean and Michele who couldn’t debate their way out of a poop bag.”

The spokesman said that Bachmann had gone into some sort of fugue state precipitated by fear of the upcoming debate on foreign policy.

“Foreign policy is a subject about which Michele knows next to nothing,” said our anonymous source. “The last time she was asked to point out Iraq on a map she pointed to Australia. We just can’t risk another embarrassing thrashing by a canine.”

“I have advised Michele to forget about the idea of debate altogether, and leave that to the candidates with an IQ over 65. Instead she needs to stick to ideas that she can grasp, like her plan to put giant granite memorials listing the Ten Commandments on every town square in America, and her unhinged idea on how to solve the border crisis by taxing remittances 100%.”

“These concepts will stand her in good stead with her base, which includes all those simpletons in the Tea Party who cannot spell worth a fuck,” our source said.

Although Bachmann is a perennial favorite among the uneducated, she will face fierce competition from other dolts in the Republican party such as Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, and Louie Gohmert, who will all be vying for the ignorant homophobic cretin vote in 2016.

“MOVE BITCH, Get Out The Way!”

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sarah-palin-1

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Please God someone get this woman to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I’ve seen grown men rip their own heads off in order to avoid listening to her patented and unique brand of stupid.

She is running neck and neck in the moron department with that other “glittering jewel of colossal ignorance”, Michele Bachmann, and that takes an extraordinary amount of incoherence.

There is a special place in Hell awaiting John McCain for dragging this monster out of the wilds of Alaska and putting her in front of a bloody camera! Why doesn’t he advocate bombing this creature? That’s his standard solution to every other problem.

Oh, the humanity!

GET OUT THE WAY BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!

Centers For Disease Control ‘Misplaces’ Ebola Patient

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The Atlanta Journal-Constitution is reporting this morning that the Centers for Disease Control have apparently ‘misplaced’ Dr. Kent Brantly, who had been flown into Atlanta to receive treatment at Emory University Hospital. The AJC reported that Brantly, who has been slowly improving, was moved over the weekend to the CDC campus for some tests. He was to return to Emory Sunday night.

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Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed told the AJC that he lives in fear of being told that some laboratory experiment over at the CDC has gone terribly wrong

“Something went badly wrong here,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, Director of the CDC. “As everyone in America knows, we take great pride in our safety and inventory protocols, and run this place strictly by the book. This is the first foul-up we’ve had since that anthrax powder got into the cafeteria mashed potatoes earlier this summer. I want to assure the public that Brantly is here somewhere, but we have a large campus and it might take a while to track him down.”

The unit where Brantly was being treated over at Emory is run by Dr. Bruce Ribner. “The patient was just supposed to be transported over there and back so those idiots over at the CDC could culture some live virus,” said Dr. Ribner. “How the hell they managed to lose him beats the hell out of me.”

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Reed denied rumors that the city has hired Brad Pitt as a consultant paid to come up with contingency plans in case Atlanta is overrun by zombies from the CDC

Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed was also not amused with the situation.

“Just who the hell is running that asylum over there?” said Reed. ” How in God’s name do you lose some dude who can’t even get out of bed because he’s hemorrhaging all over the place? I mean Jesus! The son-of-bitch was in a giant Glad bag for Christ’s sake. Rick Perry has got it easy. All he has to worry about is tuberculosis. I live in fear every day that some federal official is going to call me and tell me that we have some plague of brain-eating zombies overrunning the city. Those people over there couldn’t find their ass if they used both hands! Shit!”

The unfortunate misplacement of Brantly comes at a bad time because a second ebola victim, Nancy Writebol, arrived at Dobbins Air Force base early this morning. She was scheduled to be transported to Emory later today.

However, upon hearing the news of Brantly’s disappearance, she immediately ripped a hole in the protective tent surrounding her gurney and demanded to be transported to Fulton Urgent Care, a doc-in-the-box on Buford Highway, instead.

 

 

Donald Trump Wins ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award For Third Year In A Row

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Donald Trump has won the coveted ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award for the third year running, according to a spokesman for the billionaire Pirhana Brothers, the libertarian captains of industry who sponsor the yearly award. The award is usually given to the conservative politician or pundit who makes the most outrageous and offensive comment to the press.

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Doug and Dinsdale Pirhana are well-known libertarian industrialists from America’s heartland who fund politicians and causes that benefit our country’s most wealthy citizens

Having won the award in recent years for his idiotic comments concerning President Obama’s birth certificate and his illegitimacy as president, Trump went into this year’s race confident of his chances. However, he was given a run for his money by several seasoned morons renowned for their ability to spew remarks charged with racial hatred, xenophobia, sexual insecurity, and religious quackery.

As the deadline for contest entries approached last week, Trump was in a dead heat with such luminaries of ignorance as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.

However, Donald used his “trump” card masterfully at the last moment when he tweeted “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days—now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”

The statement catapulted Trump into the lead, and he followed it up with a devastating tweet the following day: “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”

Doug & Dinsdale Piranha

In this photograph from the late 60’s, Doug and Dinsdale can be seen just prior to throwing a turkey leg into a group of workers they just laid-off and releasing a Bengal tiger into their midst

The spokesman for the Pirhanas told the A.P. that after those two tweets,  “Doug and Dinsdale were so impressed with Trump’s complete lack of compassion and empathy that there was no question who the winner was going to be. Although it has been a long spring filled with racial hatred and xenophobia on the right, particularly as regards those kids at the border, Trump was the hands-down winner again this year.”

The spokesman went on to say that Trump’s performance has been so superb this year that he could be in the running for a number of other Pirhana awards, such as the Huge White Penis Head Trophy for the most racially insensitive statement, the Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor Award for the most degrading comment concerning the nation’s homeless, the Ken Ham Memorial Huckster award for the most ludicrous statement in pseudo-science, and the Lifetime Achievement Award for Religious Hypocrisy, given for the most mean-spirited statements made during a career by a quasi Christian leader while evoking the name of Jesus of Nazareth.

Trump was his usual modest self as he accepted the sought-after prize. “I’d like to thank Doug and Dinsdale for this great honor and congratulate them on the wisdom and intelligence they have exhibited by selecting me as the winner. I am obviously one of the most obnoxious and idiotic hemorrhoids to ever walk the planet.”

 

 

 

 

 

Dickerson Reaffirms Vows To Self In Emotional Ceremony On Santa Rosa Beach

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sunset

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In a romantic and moving ceremony held yesterday at sundown on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico, Jerry Dickerson reaffirmed to the world that he continues to be in a deep and loving relationship with himself.

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Dickerson has been in a committed relationship with himself for over 50 years

In attendance were thousands of Dickerson’s imaginary friends, phantasmal readers of his blog, and apocryphal admirers from all over the planet.

“It was a truly moving experience, said Dirk “Lloyd” Bridges, a lifeguard who happened to be putting away beach chairs and umbrellas at the time and witnessed the event. “Dickerson’s level of commitment to himself is heart warming. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so deeply devoted to the preservation of his own well-being and happiness.”

When interviewed by Action News after the ceremony, Dickerson said, “I just wanted the world to know that I have finally found my soul mate, and he is me.”

Dickerson felt the same way. He told reporters that he admired his partner’s “manly physique, outgoing personality, rapier wit, and above all his towering intellect.”

When interviewed, Dickerson’s mother Charlene  told reporters that she “just did not see anyone breaking up this beautiful long term relationship that Jerry has with himself.”

“I know in my heart that no one will ever be able to love my son as much as he does himself.”

 

Republican House Unable To Determine When To Go To The Toilet

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Republican all white male leadership

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Surprisingly, the normally dim-witted Michele Bachmann was the only Republican House member to successfully urinate during the whole debate

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – The Republican controlled House of Representatives begrudgingly admitted yesterday that no one could make a concrete decision on when the Caucus would be allowed a restroom break. The homogenous white male leadership was seen clutching their crotches in obvious discomfort as they milled aimlessly about the chamber.

Coming on the heels of the “do nothing” delegation’s inability to pass even its own version of a watered down bill to deal with the border crisis, the inability of the Republicans to agree on when to urinate could prove disastrous in this fall’s elections.

When questioned about  the apparent disorganization and incompetence displayed by the right-wingers, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) replied, “This disaster should highlight to the American people the utter failure of Obamacare to provide adequate healthcare to the nation’s most important citizens. The fact that we have not been provided with catheters so we can bitch and moan 24 hours a day without interruption (except when on our five-week vacation) is just unforgivable and shows a horrible lack of leadership and a willingness to obstruct on the President’s part.”

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When Tea Party members of the caucus wrested control of the House from the moderates, they dug out the old restroom signs from storage and had them re-posted

At a press conference at the White House later the President responded, “If the Republican House can’t even pass urine successfully, how the hell are they going to pass a border bill? This is not a disagreement between me and the House Republicans, this  is a disagreement between House Republicans and House Republicans. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was watching an episode of ‘Real Morons of Capitol Hill’ rather than our government in action.”

During the debacle the only member of the Republican Caucus to successfully make the trek to the restroom and back was Michele Bachmann, who later told reporters that the entire mess was a plot by Obama to conduct heinous medical experiments on House members by seeing how long they could hold their urine. “I wasn’t born yesterday,” said Bachmann. “I’m too damn smart to fall for a trick like that!”

 

Cuban Air Force Spad Shoots Down F-35 Over Gulf Of Mexico

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – An F-35 Lightning Joint Strike Fighter has been shot down over the Gulf of Mexico by an ancient Cuban Air Force biplane, according to a U.S. Air Force spokesman. The fighter was on a test flight out of Homestead Air Force Base in Lower Cretonia.

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A Pentagon spokesperson told CT&P reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that “the F-35 promises to be one kick-ass airplane if we can ever get the thing to fly right-side-up.”

Officials say that the F-35 was having difficulties maintaining level flight, altitude, and direction among other problems. It apparently strayed into Cuban airspace and the Cuban Air Force scrambled a pair of World War I era Spad biplanes to intercept it.

The pilot of the F-35, Benny “Foolhardy” Farris, radioed Homestead that he was “gonna try to get this 135 million dollar piece of shit back into international airspace before all hell breaks loose.”

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The F-35 program has experienced a few minor setbacks

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U.S. Air Force General Buck Churcheson insists that with the proper funding the F-35 will be fully operational by the year 2025

According to radar tracking stations in Miami, Farris did manage to get out of Cuban airspace and back out over the Gulf before the Spads caught up with him. Although the F-35 had a huge speed advantage over the Spads, Farris was forced to fly in lazy circles and take an erratic up and down flight path just to keep the jet in the air, which allowed the slower aircraft to catch up.

As the Spads approached, Farris radioed that he was deploying the giant “no más” banner that Lockheed added to the plane’s systems when it became apparent that early production models of the plane were virtually useless in air-to-air combat.

However, the Cuban pilots ignored Farris’ attempt at surrender and blasted the F-35 with Gatling guns purchased as surplus from the British government after the Zulu War of 1879. The stricken plane quickly lost power and plummeted into the sea.

Farris punched out and safely made it to the surface of the Gulf where he was devoured by man-eating sharks already agitated by programming they saw on the Discovery Channel this week.

U.S. Air Force sources have not announced when another test flight will be conducted but it promises to be a wildly entertaining event.

The F-35 program, plagued by cost overruns and multiple groundings, is the most expensive weapons program in history. The GAO estimated the program will cost $12.6 billion a year on average through 2037 — that’s an average of about $1.4 million an hour for the next two and a half decades.

In addition, when asked just who we will be using these jets against, air force generals and politicians alike have so far been unable to come up with a viable enemy.

 

 

 

‘Coalition Of Rabid White Bitches’ Joins Growing Band Of Protesting Border Bumpkins

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angrywhitewomen

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – The activist group Rabid White Bitches announced today that it intended to join the ragtag army of reactionary miscreants lurking around the Texas-Mexico border. The addition of the organization to the border area boosts the number of seething hate-filled xenophobic groups to over two dozen.

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President of Rabid White Bitches Susan Madsen is a part-time executioner for the State of Arizona.

“We realized that we were just not getting enough coverage screaming and foaming at the mouth in downtown Dallas,” said Susan “Stark Raving” Madsen. “We had to get our butts down to the border where the action is. That way we can hurl racist insults directly at those vile young kids. Hopefully we can eventually get close enough to spit on those little brown vermin.”

Rabid White Bitches joins The Fellowship of Christian Racists, the Sexual Minutemen, the Federation of Xenophobic Hillbillies, the South Texas Chapter of the Tea Party Patriotic Apple-Knockers Society, Open Disease Carrying Texans, and the Texas Goat Fanciers Association as well as several other groups vying for this year’s Medieval Abomination Award.

“We really think that our hysterical screaming and cursing, combined with our superior endurance, gives a real shot at winning the competition,” said Madsen, as she wiped spittle off her chin with a tobacco-stained shirtsleeve.

“We just can’t risk letting desperate innocent children into the United States. They could be harboring all types of deadly diseases and conditions like scurvy, beriberi, Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, leprosy, Ebola, Black Plague, untreatable tuberculosis, acid reflux, hemorrhoids, erectile dysfunction, or even the dreaded toenail fungus.”

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Madsen told reporters that if Jesus were at the border he would gladly jump in and prevent “those underage scum” from breaking international law by seeking help from the richest country on earth.

“This whole situation is President Obama’s fault,” continued Madsen. “If he was running this country in accordance with Biblical principles the way the founders intended, then we wouldn’t have a border problem. Do you think that for one instant that Jesus would tolerate all these kids breaking the law by peaceably turning themselves in to border agents? No sir! I feel confident that if Jesus were here today he would take a break from stoning  fags and atheists to death long enough to come down here and man one of our machine guns, after all, some of these kids could turn out to be gay!”

Franklin “Blue Balls” Bates, president of the South Texas Amateur Gynecologist’s League wholeheartedly agreed with Madsen. “God hates immigrants, and he downright despises illegal immigrants, especially brown ones,” said Bates. “There’s nothing that irritates God more than a bunch of whining children trying to escape rampant violence and soul-crushing poverty.”

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Most right-wing groups think that the most compassionate and humane thing to do for the kids of Central America is to erect a Soviet style Berlin Wall along our border topped with deadly electrified razor wire

“Franklin is correct,” said Charles “Baby-Crusher” Paisely, who is in charge of recruiting for the Texas Association of Fascist Sympathizers. “If God had intended for these little bastards to live in the United States, he would have put them here in the very beginning, just like us white people.”

The tide of young kids seeking refuge at the border shows no signs of ebbing anytime soon, and the crisis is likely to get worse before it gets better. However, most of the narrow-minded provincials protesting along the border are optimistic that something will go terribly wrong and they will get a chance to use overwhelming firepower against the pre-pubescent scourge from south of the border.

When a reporter asked how any person with an ounce of compassion could possibly mow down a group of innocent children weak from malnutrition, a sentry for the Daughters of the Spanish Inquisition replied, “Easy, you just don’t lead them as much!”

 

 

Jesus Mounts Mission To Rescue Randy Reptiles

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jesus-dinosaur2

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – At an early morning press conference today just outside the Pearly Gates, a weary and frustrated Saint Peter announced to reporters that despite his best efforts at discouraging any interference with an already wacked-out Russian space program, Jesus has insisted on mounting a rescue mission to save five horny geckos currently in orbit around the earth.

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Jesus’ love of reptiles dates back to his ministry to the dinosaurs over two thousand years ago

The Russian satellite containing the wayward reptiles was sent into space to understand the effects of weightlessness on sexual intercourse. Contact with the spacecraft was lost sometime during the traditional post-launch vodka chugging party and lingerie show at Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan.

Jesus felt action had to be taken because Russian engineers have been unable to re-establish communication and control of the satellite for over a week.

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Ham the Astrochimp will pilot the rescue spacecraft

“Jesus is adamant about saving those damn geckos,” said Saint Peter. “Ever since his ministry to the dinosaurs over two thousand years ago, the Lord has had a soft spot in his heart, and some would say his brain, for reptiles of all types. He always told me that lizards were his favorite animals because they were much less devious and sinful than human beings.”

The planned rescue mission will be led by Saint Francis of Assisi with a recently resurrected Albert Schweitzer as second in command. Ham the Astrochimp of NASA fame will pilot the spacecraft sent to liberate the gregarious geckos.

 

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“But Jesus called to the zookeeper and said ‘Suffer the little lizards to come unto me, and forbid them not: for verily I say unto you, what is the world if not my own personal terrarium?'” Matthew 19:14.069

The Russian satellite Foton-M4 was launched into space on July 19 with four female geckos and one male gecko, along with fruit flies, mushrooms and a bunch of weird and useless scientific gear.

The experiment was part of a research project conducted by Russia’s Institute of Medico-Biological Problems and Reptile Pornography. It was intended to answer once and for all the question burning in the minds of scientists all over the world: just how do lizards fuck in outer space?

According to scientists at the Russian space firm Progress, they were hoping to receive video footage of mating geckos to help them explain how zero gravity affects wild lizardlike sex. The videos were to be repackaged later with other reptilian porn and sold on the internet in order to fund the mission.

The Foton-M4 satellite can stay in orbit for up to four months during which the geckos are expected to continue the reptilian orgy.

The space agency Progress is trying hard to re-establish a connection with the satellite, reports added, just in case Jesus’ divine rescue mission fails.