Category Archives: humor

Alabama Ministry Uses Unique Blend Of Fascist Literature And Bible Verses To Keep Kids “On The Right Track”

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youthministry

MONTGOMERY, AL (CT&P) – Life-Savers Ministries, a group founded in 1996 in Opelika, Alabama announced yesterday that it will be erecting a series of billboards throughout the South reflecting its philosophy on child-rearing. “The overwhelming success of our first sign outside Columbus has encouraged us to expand the campaign and let everyone know just what we stand for,” said  Obergruppenführer Hans Kooky, head of advertising for LSM.

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Dr. Emilio Lizardo or “Il Duce” as he likes to be called, told Bill O’Reilly that billboard advertising is the key to indoctrinating weak minds, and that he had a buddy that always said, “If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.” O’Reilly agreed wholeheartedly.

The large sign, erected last month, depicts a diverse group of smiling kids and incongruously declared, “He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future,” attributing the quote to Hitler. Hitler said the phrase in a 1935 speech at the Reichsparteitag in order to encourage young people to join the Hitler Youth.

Below the Hitler quote was a Bible verse which said, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

According the group’s website, Life-Savers provides Biblically-based activities for children conducted in a racially pure healthy environment. The kids also attend mandatory classes that introduce them to the tenants of National Socialism and other forms fascism.

The group’s goal seems to be to shape the kids into obedient and unquestioning pawns for the coming struggle to “take back America” from the communists now in control of the government.

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Kids from LSM also sell cookies and baked goods once per year in order to raise funds for the ministry

The leader and founder of the organization, Dr. Emilio Lizardo, known as “Il Duce” within the LSM, told Fox News host Bill O’Reilly that “Kids these days are exposed to all sorts of garbage like evolution, vaccination, gay marriage, equal rights for minorities, global warming, and photosynthesis. We have to take back our country and take back our kids before it’s too late. The purity and essence of our precious bodily fluids depends on it!”

The group plans to erect ten to twenty more signs along interstates in the Bible Belt combining quotes from fascist dictators and verses from the Bible, in order to “foster a sense of ultra-nationalism and racial purity in our youth.”

Some examples include:

“Humanitarianism is the expression of stupidity and cowardice.” Adolf Hitler

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Luke 12:31

 

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Representatives from more traditional youth ministries in the area have staged protests against LSM from time to time

“The truth is that men are tired of liberty.” Benito Mussolini

“If you are irresponsible to the state, then your are irresponsible with God, and God will hold you responsible.” Romans 13:2

 

“Anyone who sees and paints a sky green and fields blue ought to be sterilized.” Adolf Hitler

“The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.” Psalm 19:1

(Life-Savers also offers introductory art classes with an emphasis on landscapes done in watercolors.)

Convinced of the efficacy of the advertising campaign, LSM plans to go ahead with it despite some misgivings within the local church community. The new signs will start to go up on June 22nd, timed to coincide with LSM’s annual celebration honoring Germany’s invasion of the Soviet Union in 1941.

After a meeting with Lamar Advertising in Montgomery, Obergruppenführer Kooky told a group of reporters that “The future looks bright thanks to Il Duce’s ideas” and that with the “skillful and sustained use of propaganda, one can make a people see even heaven as hell or an extremely wretched life as paradise.”

 

 

 

 

Georgia Cops Immolate Infant As Part Of New Drug War Initiative

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swat

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Sheriff Terrell is seen here after a raid on what used to be a Section 8 housing tract

ATLANTA (CT&P) – “I stand behind what our team did,” said Sheriff Joey “Kilgore” Terrell of Habersham County Georgia, referring to a 3:00 a.m. no-knock SWAT raid in which a 19-month-old child was severely burned by a flash-bang grenade. “There’s nothing to investigate, there’s nothing to look at,” continued the sheriff, relaying the conclusions of the County DA’s office and the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. “Bad things can happen. That’s just the world we live in.”

The raid was carried out as part of state-wide pilot program called “Operation Crib Death.” The initiative is federally funded through the now infamous Patriot Act. Although the cash has been around for a while, Georgia is the first state to actually take advantage of it. The program seeks to “stop drug abuse before it starts” by severely maiming or murdering infants, toddlers, and preschoolers in order to “set an example” of just how dangerous drugs can be.

A spokesman for the GBI told reporters that the raid was an overall success and more “no-knock” warrants and illegal wiretaps will be used in the future. “Listen, the constitution is clear: government has the right to use any force necessary to determine where you live, who you marry, and what you put in your body,” said Corporal Mark “Napalm” Nabob. “We may not be able to regulate firearms in this country, but we can damn sure regulate everything else!”

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A Habersham County SWAT team member trains with a new flamethrower obtained with federal funding to fight the ‘War On Drugs’

The SWAT team involved in the raid that burned the unfortunate infant will be decorated for its brave and decisive action later this week. Singled out for special recognition will be Billy “Fastball” Baker, the courageous officer who actually managed to hit the crib dead center with a stun grenade while cowering behind a bulletproof shield.

“Billy showed exemplary aim and a cool head,” said Sheriff Terrell. “I don’t know three other guys in the southeast that could have made that shot. He’ll get a case of beer for that one!”

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In a raid earlier this spring, Sheriff Terrell responded to rumors of drug use in a Clarkesville middle school by dropping napalm from a police helicopter, thus neutralizing the threat. Only 200 lives were lost in the operation and it was deemed a resounding success

The pilot program that Georgia is using to incinerate its youth was initiated earlier this year as a result of frustration over the abysmal failure of the “War On Drugs” to do anything but make the problem much worse. “We’ve tried stealing drug user’s cars and homes, seizing their cash, killing their dogs and cats, imprisoning them longer than we do murderers and pedophiles, hell, we even shot a great-grandmother to death down in Atlanta, and nothing seems to work,” said Jimmy “Scorched Earth” Johnson of the DEA.

“So a bunch of us got together for a golf weekend and brainstorming retreat and we came up with this new program. We thought, well, there is nothing worse on the planet than people doing drugs in the privacy of their own homes, so if they wind up dead, we’re really doing them a favor,” said Johnson.

burned baby

While 19-month-old “Bou Bou” is in a medically induced coma fighting for his life, Habersham County SWAT team members are pulling on their jackboots and preparing for another raid

“That’s right,” added Corporal Nabob, “job number one of law enforcement has to be keeping kids off drugs, and if it means killing a few of them to set a good example, well, that’s what I call ‘tough love.'”

Although the program’s effectiveness has not yet been judged by experts, local law enforcement agencies all over the country are lining up to receive funding. The money will be used to purchase grenades with a greater “kill radius,” flamethrowers, drones armed with Hellfire missiles, and in the case of larger cities such as Los Angeles and New York, tactical nuclear missiles.

“Hopefully, this will make all the money we have spent to imprison our own citizens and ruin so many lives finally worthwhile,” said Johnson. “The ‘War On Drugs’ will never be over, but at least Operation Crib Death will save a few innocent children from the evils of drugs, even if it does kill them.”

 

 

 

Jay Carney Narrowly Escapes Guillotine, Sentenced To Permanent Exile In Florida

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Carney-Frown1

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In a press release this morning, the White House announced that Jay Carney would receive a permanent stay of execution if he agreed to spend the rest of his natural life within the borders of the State of Florida. President Obama announced Carney’s resignation on Friday and told reporters that a change had been in the works since April, and that a decision would be made over the weekend concerning the fate of the long-suffering press secretary.

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Both Carney and Shinseki barely managed to avoid the fate that awaited so many scapegoats of past administrations

Sources close to Carney told our reporter, Bruce “The Coyote” Becker on Saturday that Carney simply could not take the pressure anymore. “The incessant barrage of moronic questions about imaginary conspiracies finally got the best of him,” an official said, on the condition that he remain anonymous.

On Wednesday, Carney, General Erik Shinseki, and their families will be placed in a special sealed Amtrak train from D.C. to Jacksonville, Florida. The train has been dubbed the “Scapegoat Express,” and has been used by former administrations to get rid of troublesome bureaucrats, buxom secretaries that got too bossy, and other individuals that threatened to become embarrassments to various presidents and cabinet officials.

If they survive the journey on Amtrak, they are to be transferred from Jacksonville via Greyhound Bus to Panama City in the panhandle, a region ruled by county sheriffs, hoteliers, uneducated public officials, probation officers, and Bible-thumping rednecks.

Our anonymous source told “The Coyote” that “Carney should consider himself lucky. You never hear another word from most press secretaries that resign do you? That’s because they are shipped off to CIA ‘black sites’ and are ‘disappeared’ along with their loved ones.”

Another source told us that despite the cesspool of political backbiting and inertia that is  D.C. politics, “there is one place that the two parties can find common ground, and that’s blaming underlings for scandals and mistakes. When an individual accepts a political job it’s understood that ‘the buck’ stops well below the elected official, and lower level employees better fall on the sword or they risk life and liberty. Just look at Chris Christie if you need an example. He’s still in the mix because he took swift action to blame everyone but himself for that bridge fiasco.”

Sources say that both Carney and Shinseki will receive a small percentage of their retirement packages until they are able to find jobs at motels or fast food joints along the nearby coastline, practically the only source of income available to anyone who moves to the area.

 

New Bill Will Provide Grant Money For Hunters And Gun Nuts

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gun-nut

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A new bill introduced in the U.S. House of Representatives will make grant money and guaranteed federal loans available for men infatuated with guns and obsessed with inflicting pain on innocent wildlife. The bill, H.R. 6666, will provide funds for cosmetic surgery and enhancement of genitalia for men considered too poor to pay for the changes themselves.

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Scientific studies have shown that male obsession with firearms and killing is linked to feelings of sexual inadequacy caused by a shorter than average penis or shrunken testicles

Representative John Conyers (D-MI) and Eliot Engel (D-N.Y. ) introduced the bill in a desperate attempt to try to at least slow down the number of mass shootings and gun related deaths in the United States.

“In 2015, gun related deaths are projected to surpass the number of traffic fatalities for the first time in our history,” said Conyers, at a press conference on Capitol Hill. “We know from many scientific studies that the insecurity caused by having a short penis or small testicles is the driving force behind many of these guy’s blood lust and fascination with firearms, and we want to help these guys out.”

“That’s right,” said Engel. “We now have the technology to attack the root problem, and we would be remiss if we didn’t provide funds for men who are just too poor to seek help on their own. Everyone with any sense at all knows that any individual who enjoys watching animals writhe in pain and succumb to their wounds is lacking something not only upstairs, but downstairs as well.”

“We realize that most of our recent mass shootings have been carried out by psychotics who should never have been sold guns in the first place, and they are beyond help. However, there are other groups that could benefit from treatment, both physical and mental. After cosmetic and genital enhancement surgery many of these dudes will regain the feeling of security and self-confidence that they lost early in life. These guys will be walking around feeling like they have a couple of bowling balls in a marble sack, which should help to eliminate their sense of self-doubt.”

The bill, dubbed “The Male Genital Enhancement Act of 2014” will also provide funds for the design and production of flak jackets for deer, bear, raccoons, and a variety of other wildlife.

MAARS

If the new bill passes and is signed by President Obama, Modular Advanced Armed Robotic Systems (MAARS) units will patrol national forests and wildlife sanctuaries

In a controversial move, Carolyn McCarthy (D-N.Y.) has added an amendment to the bill that would place Israeli-manufactured robotic machine guns like the ones used along the Gaza Strip in strategic locations in national forests and in areas where wildlife is threatened. The amendment would also provide money for MAARS systems to patrol wildlife sanctuaries. Both systems would be fully armed and set up to return the fire of any hunters in the area.

“These guys are always yapping about how they love a challenge, so let’s see how many of them will go out on a weekend hunt when there’s a possibility that something is going to shoot back at them,” said McCarthy, in an interview with Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who has already had one minor stroke over the bill.

The bill will no doubt face rabid opposition from the NRA and various right wingers, but then again any attempt to do anything at all about the senseless slaughter of humans and animals alike in this country has met the same oppugnancy.

“We are the only country on earth that suffers these mass shootings on a regular basis, and there is a growing consensus out there that something has to be done,” said McCarthy. “This bill will be a good start. We’ll be helping out both needy men and innocent animals.”

No word yet on when the bill will actually be introduced.

 

 

 

General Erik Shinseki To Be Executed On June Sixth

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shinseki

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At  a press conference this morning White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that Veteran’s Affairs Secretary Eric Shinseki has been arrested and condemned. According to Carney, Shinseki will be executed on June 6th as part of the annual observance of the D-Day invasion of 1944.

Carney told journalists that Shinseki made President Obama’s infamous “kill list” late last week after it became apparent that the V.A. scandal was not going to simply blow over.

Shinseki, now considered an enemy of the state,  was dragged from his bed in the early hours of the morning, stripped naked, and transported to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation regarding his failures to get V.A. wait times and medical care updated to at least the medieval level. The NSA has contacted Edward Snowden to see if he has any records in his possession that would help “frame up” Shinseki and place most of the blame on him for the deplorable state of affairs over at the V.A.

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The NSA has contacted Edward Snowden in an attempt to obtain surveillance records that could help incriminate Shinseki

The Obama Administration has been under intense pressure from both sides of the aisle over the latest in a series of reports that indicate that the V.A. is being run “like a field hospital during the Crimean War.”

Carney told journalists that President Obama was “irritated, outraged, nauseated, upset, irked, troubled, and disturbed by the report, and Shinseki seemed like the appropriate scapegoat given the current situation.”

Other administration officials were equally perturbed. Secretary of State John Kerry broke out in hives and suffered from projectile vomiting upon reading the report, which he termed “Kafkaesque.” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell is said to be suffering from irritable bowel syndrome and dysentery after reviewing the situation. After he read the report Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel had multiple seizures and had to be hospitalized. (In a private facility in outside Arlington)

Republican response was similar. Speaker of the House John Boehner broke down and sobbed during a session of Congress today and had to be assisted by aides to his favorite Georgetown pub, The Right Winger. Senator Ted Cruz expressed his outrage by spinning his head around 360 degrees while spewing pea soup a la Linda Blair. Representative Michele Bachman called a quick press conference and demanded action saying “Our brave Civil War veterans deserve better treatment than this.”

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Speaker Boehner cried so hard after reading the report he had to receive intravenous fluids in order to ward off dehydration

Carney told reporters that the sacrifice of General Shinseki was regrettable but necessary in order to deflect blame from the president and make it appear that the White House was actually doing something about the problems at the V.A. “The real problem we have here is that we just can’t stop these damn leaks,” said Carney. “That fucking report should never have been made public. We were just observing a time-honored tradition in this country of treating veterans like pig shit and then some moron has to let that report leak out. It’s unforgivable, and I’m afraid Eric has to pay the price.”

General Shinseki’s method of execution has not yet been decided. Some within the administration are pushing a plan for a public crucifixion on Capitol Hill that would last for hours and allow the general public to file by and enjoy the spectacle. Others prefer a simple gun shot to the back of the head down at Gitmo after which Shinseki would be fed to the hungry sharks circling the facility waiting for the next terrorist corpse. However, it seems probable that considering General Shinseki’s long record of serving his country he will at least be given the honor of a firing squad.

Currently Shinseki is being water-boarded around the clock in order to ascertain just what the hell he knew and when he knew it. So far no pertinent information has been garnered, but CIA interrogators told Newsweek that is not unusual at all during the first few days of questioning, because it’s hard to understand a drowning man.

Carney told journalists that everything should be back to normal by this time next year and veterans could expect to receive the same shitty care they always have at the V.A. He also emphasized that by the time the next generation of young male cannon fodder reaches the age of 18 all this will be a distant memory and the kids will no doubt jump at the chance to participate in the next senseless bloody conflict the old men in Washington conjure up.

 

 

ROBERTSON GONE WILD!

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patrobertson

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Viewers of the “700 Club” were somewhat taken aback yesterday when host and dangerously unhinged televangelist Pat Robertson began channeling some weird fusion of Thomas Aquinas, the Marquis de Sade, and Dr. Ruth in response to a viewer’s letter regarding a spousal relationship.

After listening to a letter from a female viewer detailing her husband’s habit of wanting outsize credit whenever he washes a dish or sweeps the floor, Robertson told the letter writer that she needs to “understand the male psyche.”

“The male wants to do something for his wife; he wants to provide for his family,” Robertson explained. “And when he cleans up, he’s saying, ‘I love you.’ That is his way of saying to you, ‘I love you.’ And you’ve got to understand that’s what it is … and you are supposed to say to him, ‘Darling, you are wonderful and I love you, too.’”

Up until this point Robertson seemed to be on pretty firm ground, which is unusual for Pat, but then things turned a little weird.

Robertson then suggested what a good wife should really do when a husband chips in on the household chores. “With each dish he’s saying, ‘I love you,’” Robertson said, “and if you understood that and you say, ‘Darling, I got a treat for you … wait ’til we get behind closed doors and you’ll see the treat I have for you’” then, presumably, good things will happen.

Robertson continued, “For example, if your husband cleans the table and washes the dishes after a meal, I think that is probably worth some exciting oral sex later on that evening. If your husband vacuums the entire house and takes the garbage out after he gets home from work, then I think oral sex plus intercourse is definitely in order. Now, if your husband forgoes his normal weekend golf outing with the boys in order to mow the grass and work around the home, then a good wife should treat him to a 48 hour sexual marathon complete with sexy lingerie, whips, and maybe  a vibrating tofu butt plug coated with hot Cambodian fish sauce.”

A clearly mortified Terry Meeuwson (Pat’s unfortunate but no doubt well paid co-host) tried to rein the Right Reverend Robertson in by saying, “Wait a minute Pat, it sounds to me like you’re suggesting that women fulfill the role of prostitute for their husbands as well as bearing children and keeping a good Christian household.”

“You’re damn right that’s what I’m saying Terry,” replied Pat, who suddenly began speaking with an accent normally reserved for South American soccer announcers.

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Robertson told viewers that one way to “spice up” your spousal relationship is to include the family pet in the fun.

“The Bible says that women, being the weaker vessel, should obey their husbands and try their best to make them happy, and we all know what husbands want: sex, sex, and more sex! Wives should really investigate new and exotic ways to please their husbands. Just think of female self-debasement and sexual slavery as keys to a long and successful marriage!”

Meeuwson then tried to go  to a commercial break but Pat was on a roll since he had a new book to promote.

Robertson waved off his co-host and continued, “I have written a new book on the subject which covers all the pertinent material including positioning, bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism, wife swapping, and dozens of other helpful ideas for today’s modern wife. It’s titled Pat’s Guide To Whoring Within A Loving Christian Marriage, and it’ll hit the bookshelves on July 4th, just in time for your family vacation!”

At this point the show hit a hard break and Pat was thankfully taken off the air.

Pat never got another opportunity to plug the book because after commercial he got sidetracked with his ongoing feud with fellow insane person and huckster Ken Ham over the age of the earth. However, media talking heads predict that Robertson’s new book will be a successful follow-up to his other bestsellers Pat’s Guide To Interplanetary Collisions, Pat’s Guide To Christian Nudist Camps In The Southeastern United States, Pat’s Guide To Preventing Earthquakes And Tsunamis Through The Power Of Prayer, and his lone  novel published just last year, The Pious Dominatrix.

Esteemed Philosopher And Part-Time Climatologist Dr. Marco Rubio To Be Nominated For Nobel Prize

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Senator Rubio of Florida speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference at National Harbor, Marylan

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – After years of trying to make himself relevant outside the zoo that is his home state of Florida, Senator Marco Rubio has finally hit the “big time” with his new philosophical system that was made public for the first time last week. Senator Rubio (R-FL) outlined his system on Bill O’Reilly’s show on Fox News (surprise) Tuesday night.

Senator Rubio told O’Reilly that despite the fact that 95% of climate scientists agree that climate change is indeed occurring and the vast majority of it is being caused by human beings, what really matters is what we believe about climate change. When asked to clarify his statement, Rubio said, “I don’t agree with the notion that some are putting out there, including scientists, that somehow, there are actions we can take today that would actually have an impact on what’s happening in our climate. Facts and actions don’t matter with my new system. It’s your opinion that makes the difference.”

“It’s like with cigarettes and evolution,” continued Rubio, “in my philosophical system, if you don’t believe that cigarettes will kill you, then they won’t. Furthermore, if you have faith that some being created the earth around 6,000 years ago, and T-Rex was hanging out with Jesus in Palestine, well then, that’s what really happened.”

The appearance by Rubio on O’Reilly’s show has sent shock waves through the scientific community worldwide.

“I don’t know why someone hasn’t  thought of this before,” said renowned physicist Stephen Hawking. “This will turn the scientific method on its head. To think that we have wasted all those hundreds of years actually trying to prove theories through repeatable experiments…Rubio’s insight is just breathtaking. It’s all the more remarkable that he chose O’Reilly’s show to unveil this new way of looking at the world. That show is usually just a black hole of ignorance. All I can say is ‘WOW!'”

Rubio says the new system will have far-reaching effects in government policy and basically walks hand in hand with right-wing Republican initiatives already on the books.

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Charles Krauthammer was quick to jump on the Rubio “facts don’t matter” bandwagon. He told Fox viewers “I’m proud to be a Dullard, and I’m supporting Rubio in 2016.”

“Now, if you don’t feel well or if you are hungry, all you have to do is believe that you are healthy and well fed, and that solves the problem,” said Rubio. “There’s absolutely no need for government or even charities to worry with the unfortunates in our society. Their problems have always been in their collective head, and my new way of looking at things absolves us from taking any action about it. Think of the money we’ll save!”

Republican leaders and talking heads were quick to jump on the Rubio bandwagon. Charles Krauthammer in particular has become a devotee of “Dullardism,” as the new philosophy is being called. Both Krauthammer and George Will lent their intellectual weight to the new ideas on Fox News’ Panneau de Crétins show on Sunday morning. The normally pompous “prig in a wig” Will said, “I’m really humbled and impressed by Rubio’s deep thought on this matter. We haven’t seen this kind of intellectual progress since Kierkegaard made his famous ‘leap of faith.'”

Republicans were not the only ones impressed by Rubio, however. Enough Democrats agree with his system that it is quite likely that no action will be taken to rein in climate change, or any other global problem, for the foreseeable future.

“I think it’s quite likely that nothing will be done about climate change until those morons in Congress are forced use scuba gear on Capitol Hill,” said Kevin Tyndall, Director of the Tyndall Centre for Climate Change Research. “I sincerely hope they all drown in their beds.”

There is however some good news here. Those of us that are over fifty will never feel the full effects of climate change or for that matter Rubio’s new philosophy. We can leave those particular problems for future generations to worry about.

 

 

 

 

Phoning 911 Can Be A Pretty Useless Gesture Around Here…

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“East Polk Fire Rescue this is Jed…”

“Ma’am, I can’t understand ya if ya keep on screamin’ so loud…”

“What was that about a chain saw?”

“Well just where are you ma’am?”

“Possum Holler? Yes ma’am we can come get ya.”

“Yes ma’am, we’ll be thar in about 45 minutes.”

“Ma’am, we don’t like cussin’ on the emergency line.”

“Well, I got to find the extra set of keys to the truck ’cause Joe Bob took the regular set with him huntin’ yesterday.”

“Tell you what, if you got any ‘shine around take you a big swaller or two and put you a tourniquet on it and we’ll be thar just as fast as we can, ya hear?”

“Yes, ma’am, we’ll be thar directly.”

“Yes ma’am, thank you for calling East Polk Fire Rescue, and if you can spare five minutes please be sure to complete the brief survey after I hang up. We shore would appreciate it.”

New Evidence Suggests Standardized Testing Is Turning Our Kids Into Gay Nazis

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gayhitler

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – Is your son obsessed with annexing the Sudetenland while wearing a dress? Does your daughter want to dye her hair blonde and buy a Subaru Forester? Do your kids look longingly to the east every spring while mumbling something about lebensraum? If so, they could be the victims of standardized testing, according to Florida state representative Charles Van Zant.

In a recent video, Rep. Van Zant (R-Keystone Heights) warned of the danger posed by standardized testing in general and the Common Core testing regimen in particular. He told a group of Common Core detractors that tests from the American Institutes of Research or ‘AIR’ were designed to “turn our kids gay.” Mr. Van Zant, known as ‘Kooky’ to his colleagues in the Florida House of Representatives, told a gathered audience that the new Common Core tests have been designed specifically to “attract every one of your children to be as homosexual as they possibly can.”

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American Family Association radio host Bryan Fischer is a good friend and confidant of Rep. Van Zant

“These tests,” said Van Zant, “are the most monstrous conspiracy to be perpetrated on our kids since the communist plot to flouridate our water just after World War II. The American Institutes of Research, who designed these malevolent tests, pretend to be a legitimate educational testing company. In reality, AIR is a shadowy organization of homosexual Nazis that have been hiding in Brazil since their parents fled Germany in 1945.”

“With the help of my good friend Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, I have been able to uncover this plot and with the help of Almighty God and our friends on the Supreme Court we will stop these evil servants of Satan.”

Mr. Fischer, right-wing radio personality and Director of Issues Analysis for American Family, was one of the first intellectuals to link gay activism with the Nazi party. According to Fischer, the Nazi party was loaded with homosexuals. “Just as the homosexual stormtroopers for Hitler were to exterminate and eliminate the opposition and beat them into silence, that’s what homosexual activists want to do today,” Fischer said last year, in one of his many rants on the subject.

When questioned by reporters about how a standardized test could be used to “convert” kids into homosexuality and turn them into National Socialists, Rep. Van Zant cocked his head and appeared to be listening intently. Then he responded, “Norman says that the tests make our kids double-minded. The Bible says a lot about being double-minded,” Van Zant said. “These people who will now receive $220 million from the state of Florida, and unless this is stopped, the tests will promote double-mindedness in state education.”

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‘Spiny Norman,’ a giant invisible hedgehog, has been Rep Van Zant’s friend and adviser for many years

Later, the thoroughly confused journalists were informed by one of Van Zant’s handlers that “Spiny Norman” is actually an invisible giant hedgehog that accompanies Representative Van Zant everywhere he goes. ‘Norman’ offers analysis and political advice to Van Zant and has been doing so since he was a small child.

Mr. Van Zant’s next appearance will be at the Jacksonville Civic Center in June, where he will discuss the worldwide communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. Admission is free.

House Republicans Propose “Leningrad Lunch” Program For Urban Youth This Summer

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Siege-of-Leningrad2

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – In 2010, a federal pilot program was instituted to help feed underprivileged urban and rural kids during the summer months. The goal of the program has been to test alternative approaches to distribute aid when schools are not in session. The program has been operating from an initial appropriation of $85 million. Recently the White House asked for an additional $30 million to continue the effort, but a House bill proposed by a group of “compassionate conservatives” provides only $27 million for what’s described as an entirely new pilot program focused on rural areas only.

At a press conference last week, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) explained the change of emphasis to reporters.

“As you all know, the modern Republican Party is built on Christian values and an overarching concern and compassion for our least fortunate citizens, particularly minorities and children,” said Boehner.

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Speaker Boehner was visibly upset as he announced the new “tough love” program. “It’s just too bad we have to starve these kids, but it’s for their own good!”

“We feel that poor urban black and Hispanic kids would be best served by some ‘tough love.’ Paul (Ryan) and I talked it over, and we decided that starving their little black and brown asses over the summer months would teach them some valuable lessons in self-sufficiency and allow them to ‘pull themselves up by the bootstraps’ and learn to make a living on their own without relying on government agencies for help.”

Representative Ryan (R-WI) concurred. “The Bible says: ‘Give a kid a McDonald’s fish sandwich and he is fed for a day, but teach him how to make a fish sandwich at McDonald’s and he will have a subsistence level income for the rest of his life.’ Now who can argue with that logic?”

Ryan continued, “We believe that the method used by the Germans at Leningrad is the best way to alter the tragic cycle of poverty in our inner cities. Instead of spending a bunch of hard-earned money trying to feed and clothe the unfortunates, we intend to starve them out of the cities and make them self-sufficient.”

When asked why poor rural kids would still be receiving the much-needed lunches during the summer months, Boehner replied “Well, all evidence to the contrary, we in the Republican Party are not a bunch of morons, you know. Our loyal base is out there in the countryside. It took us decades to convince poor white folks to vote against their financial interests and we sure as hell don’t want to risk  that voting bloc, not with elections coming up.”

Representative Ryan ended the presser by saying, “Look, we aren’t totally heartless. We intend on instituting another program called ‘Siege Supper’ for kids in depressed urban areas. Road kill, collected by their brothers and sisters out in the country, will be shipped in to the inner city so poor minority kids can learn the art of dressing and preparing possums, raccoons, and a variety of rodents that they can trap and eat right there at home. It will be an exercise in volunteerism and charity for the kids out in the middle of nowhere and serve as a valuable lesson in basic survival for the urban poor. It’ll be a win-win for everybody!”

It has not yet been announced when these programs will be put into action, but national guard troops in all fifty states have been ordered to go on alert as of June 1st.