Always start the day by greeting family members with a list of mind-numbing mundane tasks before they even get a chance to drink their morning coffee. This gets the day started off on the right foot.

If someone sets a partially consumed beverage or cup of coffee down and it remains unattended for more than a millisecond, snatch it up and put it in the dishwasher. Remember, open containers can attract insects.

Always ask friends and family an unending list of rhetorical questions as a way of making conversation. People love this and crave spending what little time they have on earth restating the obvious

Your house should at all times appear as if no one lives there. A real home should resemble a museum with static displays that are free from all dirt and microbes.

Always try to elevate small problems or disagreements to level of the Cuban Missile Crisis. People love to argue and get stressed out over trivial things, and it will sharpen your debating skills. Afterwards, hold a grudge against them till hell freezes over.

When in doubt about storage space or you simply don’t want to take the time to put things away, always throw away items even if they are of great value. This is particularly true if the items belong to someone else.

Always point out the obvious to those around you as if they were five years old. Remember, you are the only one on the planet with a fully developed brain. When family or friends get irritated by this practice, be sure to get your feelings hurt and say, “Well, I was only trying to help.”

Descend into a useless fugue state or hypnotic trance if anything out of the ordinary occurs to disrupt your daily routine of cleaning and organizing.

Treat every glass of spilled milk or other small mishap as if it were an Asian tsunami. Take note of the perpetrator responsible and watch the person like a hawk for the rest of his life. Remember, there are no “accidents,” only premeditated carelessness.

Once you have decided someone should do something, no matter how ridiculous the task is, never waver. Harass and nag the individual until his sanity is hanging by a thread. Remember, it’s always better to have a suicide in the home rather than a shirker

Make a mental note of every loved one’s mistakes and miscues from early childhood to the present. Have the list ready to recite in case you get into an argument with the individual. People love to have old forgotten failures dredged up, particularly if they have no bearing on the problem at hand.

Read dosage recommendations and warning labels on over-the-counter medications like an archeologist examining the Dead Sea Scrolls. Stick to the instructions as if your very life depended on it. Worry all night about some of the more obscure side-effects like the possibility sprouting an extra head

If a family member is injured in the household or in the yard, remember that your first move is to protect your carpet and furniture. Medical help can wait. Remember, bloodstains are a pain in the ass to remove

Steadfastly refuse any medical treatment that could change your miserable outlook on life or help family and friends maintain their sanity. Remember, seeking psychological help is for crazy people and is a sign of weakness

Always treat wait staff as if they were vermin infesting your home and destroying your life. Most servers are slack-ass individuals who can’t find a real job and the rest are homosexual deviants who should be arrested. Leave a maximum 5% tip. You work hard for your money. Don’t waste it.

If a relative or house-guest has the impertinence to nap or sleep in while you are vacuuming an area rug for the third time in one day, burst into the room like Kramer, flick on the lights and ask an idiotic question like, “Are you still asleep?”

If you should happen to come across anyone smiling too much or having fun, do your best to squash it. Remember, life is a series of burdens to be borne. Spending time away from the normal drudgery of existence is dangerous and having fun is simply not worth the risk.

Always get a treasured pet or neighborhood child to taste-test your food and beverages before consuming them. You never know when a loved one or friend has had enough of your shit

Before frying foods on a gas range, always spread out a shitload of newspaper for easy cleanup after fire and ambulance crews have departed

Always check the manufacturer’s date on every fucking item you purchase from chewing gum to bottled water

Keep pets in a kennel from birth till death so they will not mess up the house

Vacuum stove after every use

Be sure to drain pool every evening and refill it every morning so the brats next door don’t break in and drown while you are trying to sleep

Always triple-check the locks on every door and window in your home at least seven times before retiring each night. Remember, safety first!

Never risk injury to yourself: you are far too important. Be sure to recruit your elderly parents or grandparents to complete hazardous tasks such as reorganizing seldom used cabinets

Always hide porn in a place where kids can’t find it

Worry about things that are you are unable to control

Predict disastrous outcomes for every idea or project someone else comes up with

Always try to control the thoughts and actions of those around you, especially loved ones. Remember, your opinion means more than everyone else’s put together

Try to spend most of your adult life locked inside your home cleaning and scrubbing things that are already clean. Avoid uncontrolled environments like the out-of-doors. You can learn all you need to know about the world from Fox News

Most importantly, be sure to always project a negative, pessimistic attitude and try to drag down those around you into a pit of despair

WANTED!
Rush “Mario” Canis
Sought in connection with the ongoing reign of terror perpetrated by the “Nosferatu-Gus” criminal gang in downtown Atlanta
Last seen driving a late model dark BMW fleeing the scene of a murderous rampage carried out by Gus Becker on the Georgia Tech Campus
Both subjects should be considered armed and extremely dangerous and should be approached only with treats and/or uncooked long bones