Category Archives: humor

Bluegrass Shocker: Snake-Handling Preacher Dies Of Snakebite

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Pastor Coots in happier times “struttin’ his stuff” with an eastern diamondback named Eleanor

MIDDLESBORO, KY-Residents of Kentucky and members of the Christian Right were left stunned yesterday when news leaked out that Pentecostal preacher and unhinged human being Jamie Coots died of snakebite late Saturday night. Coots was bitten during a worship service with his congregation (and numerous deadly reptiles) earlier that day.

Coots was the pastor of the Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus Name church in Middlesboro. Coots and his family have been featured on several television shows, including National Geographic’s “Snake Salvation.” His son Cody Coots told reporters that after the bite Pastor Coots went to the restroom for a while and then went home to lie on the sofa and pray. “Coots the Younger” told reporters that Daddy-O had been bitten eight times before but had always come out “just peachy-keen” and raring for more. “That’s what happened every other time, except this time it was just so quick and it was crazy, it was really crazy,” Coots said.

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Freddie “Copperhead” Dullard, Pastor of the Our Lady of the Deadly Snake Cathedral and Chain Saw Repair Shop in Sand Mountain, Alabama is another pit viper enthusiast

Yes Cody, really, really, crazy. In fact, bordering on fucking insane.

Snake handling, an almost exclusively red state phenomenon, stems from Bible verses which seem to encourage the ridiculous and unwise activity as a show of one’s faith in God. In fact Mark 16:18 gives blanket immunity to the faithful: “They shall take up serpents (any one of the several venomous snakes inhabiting the former Confederacy); and if they drink any deadly thing (Budweiser), it shall not hurt them (financially); they shall lay hands on the sick (crazy as hell), and they shall recover (move out-of-state).

We contacted Pat Robertson, expert on all things religious, to clarify just what was going on here. “Well we know several things for sure. The Bible is the unassailable and literal word of God, and it clearly states that the “anointed” will not be harmed by snakes. So my hypothesis is that God and Coots must have had some kind of falling out. He obviously was “anointed” at some time because he survived all those earlier bites, but it seems he must have lost his accreditation somewhere along the line, but this is above my pay grade. You better contact the Pope or someone higher up in the administration.”

Taking Pat’s advice to dig deeper, we contacted the Archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) for further clarification (the Pope was busy feeding the destitute). Gabriel said that Coots had indeed lost his immunity because he had not paid his premium in over 90 days and at the time of the bite was not covered for herpetological mishaps. He stated, “I don’t know where these morons get all these crazy ideas anyway. I mean, who in the hell thinks The Boss would want you dance around a dilapidated trailer home with a bunch of rattlesnakes. It’s absolutely nutty. As for the “literal truth” of every word in the Bible, well all I can say is, there’s a sucker born every minute.”

In Honor Of Black History Month Manatee County Florida Eliminates Minority-Heavy Polling Places

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Name tags are usually worn to identify members of the board

MANATEE COUNTY, FL-At a public meeting last Tuesday, the Manatee County Board of Commissioners voted 6-1 to trim the number of voting precincts within the county in order to “save money” and offer more early voting sites “sometime in the future.” The vote was along party lines, with the only “no” vote coming from the single Democrat on the board. The proposal was put forward by Supervisor of Elections and part-time Obergruppenfuhrer Mike Bennett.

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Republican members of the Board of Commissioners were unmoved by speeches made against the proposal

The move will cut in half the number of polling places in District 2, which is minority-heavy. During the public comment section of the meeting all ten speeches opposed the proposal. The local chapter of the NAACP and the Southern Christian Leadership Council also opposed the move.

Mr. Bennett brushed aside objections by saying that “District 2 had received preferential treatment in the past,” and it was time that they pulled their own weight. He said, “If the folks in District 2 are just too lazy and shiftless to wait six or seven hours in line in order to vote, then to hell with them.”

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Mr. Bennett appeared before reporters sans his trademark hood

Mr. Bennett has long been an advocate of making it difficult for blacks and other minorities to vote. In 2011 and 2012 he backed “election reform” bills designed to make it harder for Democrats in general and blacks in particular to vote in statewide elections. The new law resulted in long lines outside polling places all over Florida. Mr. Bennett was unmoved by the long lines and said to a group of reporters, “I want the people of Florida to want to vote as bad as that person in Africa who’s willing to walk 200 miles…This should not be easy.”

Mr. Bennett then excused himself and left the meeting because, according to an aide, he had a late-night rally to attend in a nearby field.

After Moving Testimony, Case Goes To Jury In Latest Florida ‘Stand Your Ground’ Trial

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In early 2013 a Florida jury found these citizen-shooters innocent of wrongdoing because the black folks in question were illegally parked in a handicapped zone

JACKSONVILLE-The judge, jury, and many of the citizens of Cretonia were left in tears Tuesday after hearing Michael Dunn’s poignant testimony during his trial for the murder of 17-year-old Jordan Davis, who was shot to death by Dunn during an altercation at a gas station.

Dunn explained that he politely asked an SUV full of teenage blacks to “turn down their trashy jungle music so I could hear myself think.” The request led to a spirited debate between Dunn and what he called “that gang of thugs.” Dunn went on to explain that the group was hurling “hurtful epithets” and they sought to “disparage me and my girlfriend with slanderous lies and malignant untruths.” Dunn continued, “They cast aspersions on my character and tried to denigrate me in front of everyone at the 7-11. It began to be too much for me to bear. I felt the sting of their verbal attack all over my body. It was really beginning to hurt my feelings.”

According to witnesses, Dunn then began to empty “his nine” into the carload of unarmed kids. “I asked Rhonda for the bazooka but the dumb tart handed me one of our pistols instead. I felt I had no choice but to empty the entire ten-round clip into the SUV just to be on the safe side.” The driver of the aggrieved SUV managed to get moving at this point and “got the fuck out of there.”

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Michael Dunn is a computer programmer and has only recently taken up the popular Cretonian pastime of gunning-down unarmed minority youths

Dunn testified that he then went back to his hotel with his fiancée Rhonda Rouer, ordered a pizza and watched an episode of Duck Dynasty before peacefully falling asleep. He did mention he had some stomach upset but attributed that to the pizza. He did not bother to alert the police of the incident because “hell, this is Florida and things like this happen every day.”

Mr. Dunn expressed absolutely no remorse for his actions but became quite emotional when he wondered aloud what would happen to his puppy if he were convicted. The dog, a 7 month old German Shepherd named Goebbels, is currently being cared for by members of his family.

Dunn’s attorney, an Italian gentleman named Diabolo Advocato, told reporters that Dunn was completely innocent of all charges because the “Stand Your Ground” law and the decision in the Trayvon Martin case made it clear that, in Florida at least, it was “open season” on unarmed teenage minorities. “I am confident that this jury will come back with the correct decision and set my client free,” said Advocato. The odor of sulfur hung in the air long after Mr. Advocato had left the podium.

Flowers and letters of support have been arriving at the courthouse and at Dunn’s home from people all over Florida. Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson even took time off from promoting her small role in the latest bizarre and delusional Christian persecution flick to praise Dunn’s courage to take the stand in his own defense.

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Mr. Advocato during closing arguments

Perhaps Dunn’s most fervent supporter has been Wayne LaPierre, President of the National Rifle Association. When reached for comment LaPierre stated, “We are all pulling for Mike. The only criticism I have of the situation is that the weapon of choice when blasting a carload of blacks is an AR-15 with an extended clip, or at the very least a military model automatic shotgun. Everyone knows that. But other than that, I have no complaints regarding Mr. Dunn’s actions.”

As mentioned above, the case has now gone to the jury and they are deliberating. No one knows how long they will be out or what the decision will be. However, in closing arguments Dunn’s lawyer did make it clear that if the jury came back with a guilty verdict “they would have hell to pay.”

Local Woman Wins Gold In Sochi!

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olympicSOCHI- Defuniak Springs, a sleepy hamlet in the heart of the Cretonian Panhandle, is home to our latest Olympic champion. The coveted gold medal in Winter Nagging went to resident Charlotte Ratched, a probation officer and part-time nurse at the facility where her husband is an outpatient. It’s the biggest news to hit the area since the Panhandle Possum Festival moved to nearby Wausau.

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Mrs Ratched in training with her beleaguered husband last fall

The obscure Olympic event was held at various isolated cabins in the snowy mountains north of the main venues. It consists of a female contestant being placed in an icebound cabin along with a retired USMC drill sergeant. The contestant who forces the retired Marine to beg for mercy in the shortest period of time wins the event. No physical contact is allowed and the event is closely monitored by judges via closed circuit cameras.

Mrs Ratched used derisive sarcasm, unrelenting mockery, caustic ridicule and venomous scorn to drive the poor drill sergeant to push the panic button in less than one hour. Her whining complaints, gripes, and grumbling could be heard over 3/4 of a mile away at the next cabin. By the time security reached the cabin Staff Sergeant Max Slaughter was standing at the edge of a precipice preparing to jump.

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Leonia Wilson from Detroit, Michigan won the silver medal

Mrs Ratched’s husband Bill was unable to attend the medal ceremony but we reached him by phone at the Walton County Mental Health Center just outside Defuniak Springs. “We are so proud of her. She has finally proved that she is the very best at what she does every day and night of her life. There is no subject known to science on which she is not an expert. She offers direction, instruction, and criticism on any and every project we ever do around here, regardless of her lack of experience. The woman is for all practical purposes omniscient.”

Her coach, right-wing pundit Ann Coulter, was equally proud. “This woman has overcome a below average IQ and little formal education to reach the summit in her chosen sport and pastime. It reminds me so much of myself. I just can’t tell you how pleased we are.” Ms Coulter spent countless hours teaching Ratched the fine art of unfounded criticism, irrational attack, and acidic backbiting. Coulter will likely be credited with pushing Ratched over the top by revealing to Charlotte her secret method of minimal caloric intake in order to induce a constant state of irritability that is vital for competition-level nagging.

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Jamie Watkins from nearby Montgomery, Alabama was in the running for a medal but was disqualified for using “banned devices”

A gala welcome home festival is planned in Defuniak next week. The three major employers in the area, Walmart, the Florida Department of Corrections, and Jim Bob’s Leisure Suits, Taxidermy, and Small Engine Repair will sponsor the event.

Editor’s Note: Readers that grew up in the area may remember Bill Ratched as Bill Jones. He assumed his wife’s last name when they were married seven years ago. Bill told our reporter he did it out of respect, but his therapists think it was done out of “abject fear.” He is known around town simply as “Schmuck.” Rumors that Mr. Ratched was recently found in his garage with his car’s engine running cannot be confirmed at this time. Mr. Ratched was supposedly found after an incident at a local Pizza Hut in which Charlotte “got medieval on his ass.”

Woman Abducted From Florida Trailer Park By Intruders Wielding Holograms

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MARTIN COUNTY, CRETONIA-Sheriff’s deputies responded to a call from a distressed 53 year male Friday night who claimed his wife had been abducted by shadowy figures who “used signals to project holograms on the walls to get him to do what they wanted and to communicate with each other.”

The agitated man, who was wielding a Louisville slugger, told cops that the intruders had forced his wife to leave their trailer and walk “like a zombie” to his auntie’s trailer located on the other side of the Kooky Moon RV Park where all these characters dwell. Both the husband and wife said that the “intruders used holograms to trick them into thinking they were in the house and then chased them to the aunt’s trailer several lots down.”

The aunt told deputies that the woman in question was “seeing people and animals at her trailer that were not there.” After a thorough investigation law enforcement authorities were unable to confirm the story, as all three individuals appeared to be under the influence of alcohol or “some other substance.”

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“Dances with Holograms” demonstrates his patented expedient gas mask to be used in home defense

The manager of the trailer park told deputies that she intended to evict the couple “very soon.” She said, “I thought everything had died down a bit since the last incident. A few weeks ago I found the dude patrolling the park with a handgun and his wife sitting in the street claiming she was digging for gold because they had misjudged their daily dose of methamphetamine. I would have already gotten rid of them but I feel sorry for the gal. She looks like someone beat unholy hell out of her with the ugly stick.”

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“Strange Woman Who Digs in Street”

The Martin County Sheriff’s Department refused to release the couple’s names but our sources in the area report that they are well-known by the employees of the nearby Seminole Nation casino and alligator farm resort complex as “Dances with Holograms” and “Strange Woman Who Digs in Street.”

“Dances with Holograms” told deputies that things had been looking up lately because he had partnered with George Zimmerman in a new business which offers drones armed with AGM-114 Hellfire missiles for neighborhood watch and defense. The motto of the new company is “Launch First and Ask Questions Later.” The two are actively seeking venture capital for the project.

As of this printing the couple have not been charged by law enforcement because all of the activity observed at the park is par for the course in most areas of Florida.

Winter Storm Update: Scores Of Cretins Found Comatose As Meth Supply Dwindles Across The Southeast

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PANAMA CITY, FLORIDA-Government officials are becoming alarmed by the increasing number of citizens found sound asleep in their cars, on their lawns, and in a variety of public places around Greater Cretonia. It seems that the region’s drug users and suppliers are not immune to the paralyzing effects of Winter Storm Leon.sleep

The Bay County Sheriff’s department has reported at least 249 instances of residents found asleep in odd places in the last 24 hours alone. Thousands more have been sighted in rural areas around the southeast.

Sheriff’s department spokesman Billy Bob Scrotum spoke with CNN early this morning: “It’s crazy as hell out there. We’ve found folks asleep behind the wheel of their pickups, ATV’s, aluminum bass boats, and even on old Schwinn sleep5bicycles. We’ve found comatose junkies halfway out of their trailers and in their yards. We even found one dude curled up next to the pink flamingo beside his work shed. The neighbors said he kept asking it for a syringe before passing out. One girl fell asleep halfway from her car to the door of the CVS down on the corner of Robert E. Lee Avenue and Jeff Davis Memorial Parkway. Frankly we are at a loss for what to do here. We simply do not have enough cells to house all these nuts.” Deputy Scrotum was then called away to the site of the 6th exploding trailer of the morning.sleep2

CNN also interviewed Billy Wayne “Shakes” Snodgrass, a highly respected “chef” and founder of the ‘Two Men and a Meth Lab’ franchise so popular in rural America. “I want all of my loyal customers out there to know that help is on the way. We have set our carefully planned and organized Meth Relief Plan in motion. I have mobilized all of our dealers who own horses and mules and we will be making deliveries as soon as possible. I know the weather has made it impossible for all you amateurs to get to the drug store for supplies, but always remember we are there for you. Try to stay awake until we arrive and have your cash or stolen electronics ready. A special note for our female customers, I’m sorry but we just won’t have time to tradesleep3 powder for sex until the authorities get off their asses and clear the roads.”

Temperatures across Cretonia are expected to rise in the next few days which should make supply runs possible for suffering addicts. The only problem will be waking them up from deep comas as many of them have gone for several years without sleep of any kind.sleep6

Fox News: “Thousands Dead Of Hypothermia Across The Southeast-Obamacare To Blame”

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NEW YORK-Fox News Channel continued its relentless attack on Obamacare this morning by blaming Winter Storm Leon on the Affordable Care Act. On the “coffee klatch” Fox News program Fox and Friends, aka Tres Idiotas, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was interviewed and gave the far-right Neandertal take on the events of the last 24 hours.

Cruz said “This tragedy across the southeast highlights the dangers of socialism in general and Obamacare in particular. Thousands of people were frozen alive in their vehicles after they ran out of gas on interstates, and tens of thousands more were trapped at work or at schools. I have it on good authority (Pat Robertson) that Winter Storm Leon represented the wrath of God aimed at the citizens of the southeast for allowing Obamacare to pass without seceding from the Union and going to war.”

With the three dim-witted hosts nodding agreement, Senator Cruz continued: “If America has any chance at all to survive the disasters that are in store for us in near future, it is vitally important that I be elected President so I can repeal Obamacare by executive order and do away with health care for the poor once and for all. I also see no need for Medicare, Medicaid, or Social Security. Pat told me that he has been informed by the Almighty that if Americans can’t fend for themselves, the next disaster will be a meteor the size of Rhode Island impacting the mid-section of our country. We just can’t take that risk.”

Senator Cruz then excused himself as aides dressed in hospital scrubs escorted him off the set.

National Weather Service To Residents Of Birmingham: “You Are Absolutely Correct. We Are Unable To Locate Our Ass Even When Using Both Hands.”

Posted in environment, humor, Uncategorized, weather by

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BIRMINGHAM-As Birmingham, Alabama descends into utter chaos reminiscent of the zombie apocalypse in World War Z, residents of the city wonder why they were given little or no warning of the winter storm currently ravaging the area. Kids are stuck at school, adults stuck at work, and major highways are scenes of complete pandemonium as ice and snow paralyze travel. The “weather event” was predicted to begin much further south and give ample warning of its approach. That is not how it has worked out at all, much to the distress of the citizens of Jefferson County and at least one unfortunate Weather Channel employee.

Authorities are pleading for calm as scattered reports of violence are coming in from around the area. A local station in Birmingham is reporting that a Weather Channel field reporter was dragged from in front of a camera team and nailed to a large oak on a hill overlooking Interstate 65 just south of the city limits. Bobby Joe Smegma, a witness to the event, stated “One of those idiots from the Weather Channel was grinning and stating the obvious, like they always do, and a crowd of folks whose cars were stuck in the ice started to gather around. He was going on and on about how ‘no one knew this was coming’ and ‘look, it’s still coming down!’ and it was just too much for the crowd to take. People started to yell ‘lynch him!’ and he thought they were kidding. They were not kidding. Two big trucker dudes dragged the guy over to the tree and held him there while three pissed-off housewives nailed him in place. It was hilarious.”

Local governments in and around north Alabama find themselves in the unusual circumstance of being upstaged by their usually woefully incompetent counterparts 250 miles to the south, along the Gulf Coast. Schools are closed there and law enforcement entities are on high alert in preparation for the same storm that is expected to arrive there tonight. Always willing to lend a helping hand, Florida Governor Rick Scott has offered to send armored units of the Florida National Guard north into Alabama to clear the roads of vehicles and loitering pedestrians through the use of high explosive rounds and flame-throwing tanks. Scott has ordered Warthog ground-attack aircraft at Eglin Air Force Base to be armed with Vietnam-era napalm canisters to scorch the interstates free of ice if necessary. Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has declined the offer for the time being.

For its part the National Weather Service and The Weather Channel have issued a joint communique begging the citizens of Alabama for understanding and forgiveness. “We are very sorry for any inconvenience our inability to do our job has caused. In the future we hope to do better and let you guys know a little bit ahead of time when Armageddon is about to come down on your heads.”

Both the Weather Service and The Weather Channel have displayed the correct amount of remorse given the situation. However, the traditional meteorological disaster toga party will go on as planned at Weather Channel Headquarters in Atlanta tonight. No doubt we will begin to see the inevitable results of this shindig four to five months from now when the female anchors start to show. The last major surprise blizzard to hit the south back in the early 90’s is credited with the production of seven zygotes at the Weather Channel alone.

Florida Declares Martial Law Ahead Of Advancing Cold Front

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TALLAHASSEE-Governor Rick Scott has declared martial law throughout Greater Cretonia after the National Weather Service predicted a slight drop in temperatures, some minor icing, and possible snow flurries in parts of northern Florida. Police and fire departments, hospitals, schools, and strip clubs are gearing up for the extreme conditions that are expected to arrive sometime Tuesday. National Guard troops, sheriff’s deputies, and local policemen have been put on high alert and warned that they may face extended duty for several weeks.

At an emotional press conference earlier today, a tearful Governor Scott stated “We Floridians intend to ‘Stand Our Ground’ against this cold front, and I just want our citizens to have a fighting chance to survive the crescendo of doom that is building in our state. Those of you who have been around a while will remember that the last time it snowed in northwest Florida there were a number of tragic deaths. Cretins emerging from their mobile homes were struck and killed by vehicular traffic as they stared skyward in bewilderment, and those who made desperate bids to replenish beer supplies ended up causing pile-ups from Mobile to Jacksonville.”

Scott continued, “I have initiated our DEATHSTORM 2014 governmental and corporate action plan. All liquor stores should make sure inventories are sufficient to supply those few Floridians that are gainfully employed, in addition to their regular customers. Gentlemen’s clubs should call in all off-duty dancers and make sleeping arrangements for the girls out back or in supply rooms. Every Wal-Mart Supercenter should be prepared for a veritable tsunami of the elderly seeking milk and bread, and every retail outlet in the state should make sure that their fleet of Hoverounds is at full charge.”

Florida Governor Rick Scott Attends Hurricane Conference

An emotional Rick Scott at DEATHSTORM presser this morning

“As regards governmental preparedness, I have called out the National Guard and shifted those units with tracked vehicles to the north so as to better deal with the arctic conditions we expect at mid-week. I have also recalled approximately 50,000 of our over 300,000 probation officers and re-tasked them as snipers so that we’ll be ready to pick-off any looters trying to take advantage of this once in a lifetime meteorological event.”

Scott wiped a tear from his eye and concluded the press conference by saying, “With the help of God and your lovable and honest  state and local officials, we can make it through this crisis. We Floridians know what it’s like to endure hardship because we subject ourselves to it every day. Hurricane Andrew,  the Challenger disaster, the 2000 presidential election, our lousy schools and archaic legal system, all of these things have toughened us up and prepared us for this approaching cataclysm. God bless you and God bless the state of Florida!”

“Daddy, Why Are Dogs So Much Better Than Human Beings?”

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Millie

“Daddy, why are dogs so much better than human beings?”

“Because son, dogs aren’t raised to look down on other dogs or people because they are of a different race, religion, social status, or because they are poor. Besides, dogs are able to lick their own genitals, which reduces stress and makes life much less complex.”

“Thanks Dad. That makes perfect sense.”

“Anytime, son.”