Category Archives: humor

McCarthy Uses Translator To Announce He Is Withdrawing From Race For Speaker Of The House

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WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Representative Kevin McCarthy on Thursday abruptly took himself out of the race to succeed John A. Boehner as House speaker, apparently undone by the same forces that drove Mr. Boehner to resign.

Mr. McCarthy used a translator to make himself understood as he announced his decision after a closed-door meeting with House Republicans in which he told them he was bowing out.

“I have decided that waffle iron football cannot be in the best interests of keeping Iran dress code maximum,” said McCarthy, which according to the translator meant that he was taking himself out of the race for speaker.

“Over last weekly it has become clearing to me and others that our conferences has been is deeply divisive and needs to unite behind one or more leaders. I have always positioned this conferences ahead of me, myself and I. Therefore I am withdrawing far away from my candidatecy for speaker of the House.

“I look forward to working with and alongside against my friendly colleagues to help move an important and carefully planned plan of our conference’s agenda and our countries forward to new heights that it used to attain and might again get there sometime soon if we all exist in cooperation and put our minds to it.”

“I regret that I have only one automobile to give to our country as it struggles with universal Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi,” concluded a confused looking McCarthy as he gazed dully at reporters.

The translator interpreted the statement as meaning that McCarthy was sorry that he fucked up but still believed that Hillary Clinton was the Antichrist and hopefully another House member would be able to prevent her planned takeover of America.

 As shocked members left the meeting and press conference there was a sense of total disarray, with no clear path forward and no set date for a new vote.

Representative Peter King, Republican of New York, told a reporter for The New York Times that “Now we’re really screwed. We look like a bunch of clowns, which is basically what we are. I’d like to strangle that fucking dumb ass!”

John Boehner was seen chuckling as he left the building, whisky sour in hand.

Ben Carson To Star In New X-Files Episode

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epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

 

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Retired neurosurgeon and fantasy presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson will have a starring role in Episode 4 of the X-Files revival, which begins airing on Fox in January.

According to series creator Chris Carter, Carson will play a charismatic but criminally insane Seventh-day Adventist minister who plots terror attacks on abortion clinics, gay night clubs, and university science departments.

The episode in which Carson stars revolves around Molder and Scully trying to prevent a rumored attack on the U.S. Supreme Court.

“Originally we had written a much more complex role for Dr. Carson,” said Carter. “We had assumed that he had acting experience because we didn’t think that anyone could possibly believe the crap that comes out of his mouth. Boy were we wrong. The guy is a fucking fruitcake! So we got together and re-wrote the episode and gave him something he could really relate to. I think it’ll turn out just fine now.”

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In the much anticipated episode, Molder discovers that a mild mannered minister played by Carson is actually a Red Lectroid from Planet 10 bent on instituting a Christian version of sharia law in America. Blowing up the Supreme Court is just the first phase of his evil plan.

During an interview on CNN Variety editor Peter Bart said that Episode 4 is probably the most realistic scenario in the whole miniseries.

“The working title is ‘Idiot from Planet 10,'” said Bart.

“Basically it’s about a group of gullible white people who worship Carson and believe anything he says, no matter how ridiculous. They’ll do anything for him, including sacrificing their lives in an effort to turn America into a Christian theocracy.

“I don’t want to give away the whole thing, but I will say that Molder discovers that Carson’s church and compound is built under high voltage power lines, thus making the white folks highly susceptible to suggestion and even dumber than they normally are. It’s pretty realistic.”

Many pundits believe that the added exposure could help Carson boost his poll numbers with what can only be described as the unhinged batshit crazy base of the Republican Party.

The episode is scheduled to air in late February.

 

NRA Blames Oregon Shooting On ‘Gun Free’ Zones

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference this evening, CEO and Executive Vice President of the NRA Wayne LaPierre blamed today’s mass shooting in Oregon on dangerous ‘gun free zones’ around schools, churches, and government buildings.

The shooting, in which at least 13 were killed and at least 20 more wounded, occurred at Umpqua Community College, which has about 3,000 students, in a rural community about three hours south of Portland. The first calls came in at 10:38 a.m., local officials said, and the college was put on lockdown as a number of law enforcement agencies responded.

The gunman died after an exchange of gunfire with the police.

The NRA was quick to respond to the tragedy, releasing a statement even as the last bullets were being fired by the perpetrator and law enforcement. The statement emphasized that if only we could do away with liberal politicians and communist school administrators that push for gun free zones around schools and other public buildings these types of senseless tragedies could be avoided.

At LaPierre’s presser later in the day LaPierre stressed that the only way to stop mass shootings in America was for every citizen to be armed from childhood to death with automatic weapons and large capacity magazines.

“We have to stop this senseless violence,” said an emotional LaPierre. “The NRA has always been against these dangerous gun free zones. Whenever any group of people is walking around unarmed it’s just asking for trouble. In the next session of Congress, we intend to push for a bill providing free or discounted weapons to all Americans. And it’s not just guns we need. We’ve partnered with our friends in the manufacturing sector to push for the legal ownership of RPG’s, flamethrowers, and crew-served automatic weapons.

“We also believe that everyone in the U.S. should own a shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missile in case one of these nuts decides to attack a school in a private aircraft. It just makes good sense.”

President Obama, who earlier in the day expressed his sadness after hearing of the shooting, responded to LaPierre by saying: “Wayne LaPierre is a giant prick.”

 

 

Christians Fail To Shut Down Government; Vow To Screw The Poor Sometime In December

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christians88

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) -With only hours to spare on the last day of the fiscal year, Congress averted a government shutdown on Wednesday by approving a temporary spending measure to keep federal agencies operating through Dec. 11.

In the House, the legislation was approved only because of strong support by Democrats — a sign of how angry rank-and-file Republicans remain over their powerlessness to force policy changes on the Obama administration.

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Christian outrage over propaganda films patched together by David Daleiden have added fuel to government shutdown fire. Rumor has it the next round of videos features Planned Parenthood employees feeding Christian fetuses to a pride of lions.

The House vote was 257 to 151, with 186 Democrats and 91 Republicans in favor. All of the “no” votes were by Republicans.

In one last display of their fury, House Republicans on Wednesday adopted another resolution to cut off government financing to Planned Parenthood. The resolution was to be sent to the Senate, where Democrats were certain to block it.

The House Freedom Caucus, a band of about 40 right-wing religious kooks who favor a Christian version of sharia law, was outraged that their attempt to deny food and medical care to the poor was again stopped by more reasonable politicians.

Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan (R-OH) told Fox News anchor Sean Hannity on his radio show today that although this attempt to wreck the food stamp program and deny poor women access to cancer screenings and low-cost contraception was blocked, another attempt will be made in December, just in time for Christmas.

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Right wing Christians are rarely accused of being the most intellectually formidable political faction.

“We follow the teachings of Jesus Christ,” said Jordan, “and Jesus hates poor people who don’t have the drive to get out there and get a job.

“He also hates immigrants, the hungry, and people who aren’t white. Our government should reflect the teachings of Jesus, and Jesus supports an America with a strong military and no social safety nets.

“Our slogan is ‘God, Guns, and Guts.’ Leave all that empathy, reason and critical thought crap to the blasphemers!”

Senator and fantasy presidential candidate Ted Cruz of Texas, who was also on the show, told Hannity that he would do his best to completely wreck the U.S. Congress and fuck up as many government programs as he could before the birthday of his Lord and Savior.

“The dream of denying food and medical treatment to the poor must never die,” said Cruz. “You have to ask yourself ‘what would Jesus do?’ and I think it’s obvious to anyone who reads the New Testament that Jesus would tell poor women to go fuck themselves. Praise the Lord!”

Saban Conjures Hurricane To Help Bama In Athens

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TUSCALOOSA – (CT&P) – The Tuscaloosa News is reporting that Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban held a satanic ritual at midnight last night in order to alter the path of Hurricane Joaquin. The ritual, which included the ceremonial drinking of bulldog blood, was held deep in the recruiting dungeons under the athletic office where SAT answer sheets are normally stored.

Sources close to the program are saying that Saban is “pulling out all the stops” to give the Tide at least a “snowball’s chance in hell” against the Bulldogs on Saturday.

The anonymous sources say that Saban feels that his strong defense, aided by hideous weather conditions, is the only hope for victory. So far the Tide’s anemic offense, led by malfunctioning cyborg Jake Coker, has been unable to generate much of anything against strong opponents.

According to the National Weather Service Joaquin’s predicted storm track did indeed mysteriously change during the night.

Dr. Greg Forbes, severe weather expert for the Weather Channel, said that computer models now have Joaquin taking a left turn and stalling over Athens for days before breaking up sometime early Sunday.

“It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Forbes.

Forbes told viewers that if Joaquin follows the new predicted track it has the potential to be as disastrous as the Great Ice Storm of 2014, which dumped as much as 1/100 of an inch of frozen precipitation on Atlanta roads, causing the entire city to be paralyzed for days.

“I really can’t explain why the storm is acting like this, but Georgia fans who plan on attending the game in Athens on Saturday should bring along their bass boats or inflatable rafts as a precaution. We just don’t know what will happen at this point,” said Forbes.

 

 

 

Over 700 Trampled To Death While In Route To Throw Rocks At Larger, More Substantial Rocks

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MINA – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that over 700 religious kooks were trampled to death and over 900 were injured yesterday in a stampede during the annual “stoning the Devil” ritual in the tent city of Mina, about two miles from Mecca.

Footage obtained by CNN Arabic shows a disturbing scene. Bodies piled upon bodies, a few moving, but most appearing lifeless. Workers in hard hats and reflective vests can be seen pulling dead bodies away to get to those who are still alive.

CNN Middle East correspondent John Small Berries told Wolf Blitzer this morning that the stampede was caused by cretinous religious pilgrims at the back of the line becoming impatient with the cretinous religious pilgrims at the front of the line.

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Every year, hundreds of thousands of religious kooks travel to Saudi Arabia so they can throw rocks at a fucking wall.

“Apparently the idiots at the back thought that the idiots at the front were using up all the good rocks Wolf,” said Small Berries. “They just lost it and started crushing the folks up front in an effort to claim some choice rocks for themselves.”

The ridiculous ritual features crazy ass folks throwing pebbles at walls which is meant to simulate Abraham rejecting the temptation to spare his son Ishmael after the all-loving deity Jehovah instructed Abraham to murder him because the Good Lord was in a bad fucking mood that day.

The murder, which was called off at the last second, is for some weird reason considered something to celebrate by all three Abrahamic religions.

This is not the first time the “stoning of the Devil” concert has led to tragedy.

July 2, 1990 : A stampede inside a pedestrian tunnel (Al-Ma’aisim tunnel) leading out from Mecca towards Mina and the Plains of Arafat led to the deaths of 1,426 pilgrims, many of them of Malaysian, Indonesian and Pakistani origin.

May 23, 1994 : A stampede killed at least 270 pilgrims at the stoning of the Devil ritual.

April 9, 1998: at least 118 pilgrims were trampled to death and 180 injured in an incident on Jamarat Bridge.

March 5, 2001: 35 pilgrims were trampled to death in a stampede during the stoning of the Devil ritual.

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Fox News called the stampede the worst religious loss of life since the 2007 Interstate 40 tragedy in Tennessee. In that fiasco, a busload of retired Baptists were jockeying for position with a van full of Methodists when both vehicles slammed into an SUV carrying a Christian Scientist heart attack victim to an emergency prayer circle. The Baptists and Methodists were reportedly racing each other to a nearby Kopper Kettle for after church chow. 367 innocent people were killed in the ensuing mayhem.

February 11, 2003: The stoning of the Devil ritual claimed 14 pilgrims’ lives.

February 1, 2004: 251 pilgrims were killed and another 244 injured in a stampede during the stoning ritual in Mina.

January 12, 2006: A stampede during the stoning of the Devil on the last day of the Hajj in Mina killed at least 346 pilgrims and injured at least 289 more. The incident occurred shortly after 13:00 local time, when a busload of travellers arrived together at the eastern access ramps to the Jamarat Bridge. This caused pilgrims to trip, rapidly resulting in a lethal stampede. An estimated two million people were performing the ritual at the time.

Safety precautions put in place by the Saudi government have so far been unable to stop the carnage year after year.

“Wolf, no matter what the Saudis do this kind of stuff is just going to happen,” remarked Small Berries. “These people just love to throw rocks. They’ll throw rocks at just about anything from an Israeli tank to an adulterous woman to a passing automobile. I have no idea what causes it, but there must be something in their genetic makeup that makes these cretins fire machine guns in the air and throw rocks at things, even inanimate objects.”

Although an investigation into the completely senseless deaths has been ordered by Saudi King Salman, no one expects anything to be done to prevent future bloodbaths.

You just can’t teach an old religion new tricks.

 

 

 

 

Leader Of Catholic Church Meets With Antichrist

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obamapope

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – His Holiness Pope Francis met today with the Antichrist, President Obama, at the White House to discuss ways in which the church can delay the inevitable apocalypse brought about by his reign of terror over the American people and citizens of the world.

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After the Pope left the White House the Antichrist dropped his clever disguise as a reasonable and intelligent human being.

Before the meeting, His Holiness told reporters outside the White House that he had been monitoring right-wing websites and listening to “kooky radio talk show hosts” talk about the evils of the Obama Administration for years and thought it might be time to intervene.

“After reading about the ravages of Jade Helm 15 on various right-wing websites, which reported that the operation eradicated the Christian population of Texas, I decided it was high time someone tried to reason with that demon masquerading as president,” said the Pontiff.

No one knows what went on during the meeting, as it was conducted behind closed doors and the Pope was alone with the Son of Satan. However, afterwards the Pope had some discouraging words to say to journalists.

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Intellectuals within the Tea Party were the first to recognize that we had elected the Son of Satan to be our 44th president

“I was unable to convince the Prince of Darkness to delay the End Times,” said Francis. “He insists that he will continue to offer health care to the poor and attempt to destroy the United States through the use of clean air and water acts, and encourage free cancer screenings and the use of low-cost contraceptives among the poor at the expense of wealthy Americans. Worst of all, he says he won’t just start invading Muslim countries out of misplaced fear and hatred. I’m afraid we’re all doomed.”

For his part President Obama told the press that he really enjoyed his time with the Pope but had to say goodbye after lunch because he had plans to destroy the entire fucking country again late this afternoon.

 

 

Glenn Beck Reveals Ahmed Mohamed’s Co-Conspirator

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IRVING, TEXAS – (CT&P) – On his radio program yesterday, panic monkey, conspiracy theorist, and born-again Mormon cult member Glenn Beck announced that insiders from several previously unknown American intelligence agencies had revealed to him that they had finally determined the identity of “half bomb” maker Ahmed Mohamed’s partner in crime.

“I can now say with 100% certainty that I know the identity of Ahmed’s co-conspirator, and it’s Sasquatch, more commonly known as Bigfoot,” said Beck, as he posed in front of a nonsensical poster that featured a flow chart, a bell curve, and arrows pointing to the names of shadowy Jewish media figures, an artist’s rendering of Bigfoot at a Planned Parenthood meeting, and a long-range photo of members of the Illuminati attending a NASCAR race.

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Beck told his radio audience of over 3000 mentally deficient conspiracy theorists that this was the first time Bigfoot had surfaced since he teamed up with the Six Million Dollar Man in the late 70’s as part of a plot to discredit future President Ronald Reagan.

“You can bank on this information just like you did my predictions of worldwide disaster on September 13th earlier this month,” said Beck, as he adjusted his tin hat, “and we all know I was right about that.”

Beck claimed that after the hardened 14-year-old genius terrorist stood up to over 48 hours of grilling by the Irving Police department and the FBI, Beck’s friends in an unknown “but really important” U.S. intelligence unit whisked Ahmed off to a black site and used “enhanced interrogation techniques” on him.

Ahmed was supposedly subjected to reruns of Beck’s old programs on Fox News and tapes of campaign speeches by current mayor of Irving and ignorant slut Beth Van Duyne.

Ahmed is said to have coughed up the truth in less than two hours.

It seems that Bigfoot, after a meeting with the shadowy hierarchy in charge of removing the brains from flailing newborns at Planned Parenthood abortion factories, was supposed to meet Ahmed at an Irving Arby’s and provide the deadly explosives that would turn his “clock” into a 30 megaton nuclear device.

However, Bigfoot was unavoidably detained by a traffic jam outside a Bernie Sanders campaign appearance in Austin and missed the clandestine meeting, forcing Ahmed to go with the “innocent clock” story. The rest is history.

“Ahmed represents the tip of the iceberg of the Muslim threat we face in this country,” said Beck, as he fiddled with his super secret ballpoint pen camera. “There are training camps all over Mexico where ISIS recruits are conspiring with descendant of the Knights Templar and secret societies that send messages on one dollar bills. I tell you we are all fucking doomed!

‘In the meantime I would appreciate it if you would continue to send me money and support my various hare-brained theories so I can single-handedly save the world from people who don’t love Jesus. Thank you and good luck.”

 

Irving, Texas Bans Digital Clocks

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Digital-clock-alarm

DALLAS – (CT&P) – Dimwit, religious kook, and Irving, Texas Mayor Beth Van Duyne announced at a press conference this morning that all digital clocks currently in use within the city limits of the Dallas suburb will be seized by police if not turned in by 8:00 A.M. Central Time on Monday.

The ban was put into effect by executive order at 9:00 A.M. this morning.

“All digital clocks currently in use by businesses, churches, whorehouses, Christian militias, and the general public should be handed in over the weekend to police stationed at  collection points we’ve set up around the city,” said Van Bruyne, as saliva dribbled from the side of her mouth.

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Moronic schoolteachers and police mistook Ahmed’s clock for a Russian suitcase nuke smuggled into Irving by starving Central American toddlers during the last wave of illegal immigration, which nearly brought the entire nation to its knees.

“These clocks represent a ‘clear and present danger’ to our safety as Americans who love Jesus. We regret that this action is necessary, but it has become apparent to us that it is impossible for schoolteachers and police to tell the difference between a hydrogen bomb and an innocent digital clock used to tell time or wake your sorry ass up after a late night on the town in Dallas.”

Mayor Van Duyne’s action was deemed necessary after a brilliant young student, Ahmed Mohamed, brought a homemade clock to school which teachers and police mistook for a 30 megaton nuclear device.

Ahmed was subsequently handcuffed and dragged away by Irving’s version of jack-booted Nazi thugs, and received a three-day suspension from school for exhibiting “creativity, critical thought, and an intellect unbecoming to the Christian religion.”

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Van Duyne, an ex-cheerleader and religious zealot who suffers from several severe mental disorders, has dedicated her life to eradicating anyone who does not love Jesus. She’s been called “an unstable and dangerous ignorant slut” by the Dallas Morning News editorial board.

“We just can’t afford to take chances with these Mooslims and our electronic devices,” said Van Duyne, as she clicked a couple of ball bearings together in her right hand. “Digital clocks are mysterious gadgets and no one in Texas has ever really understood how they work. You never know when one might vaporize a city, and I’m just not willing to take a chance like that with the lives our white Christian citizens.”

Rupert McTurd, president of the Partially Sane Residents of Dallas County Civil Rights Protection League, told CNN that the ban was the result of Van Duyne’s lifelong battle with paranoid schizophrenia.

“This is the same woman that’s terrified that sharia law is going to instituted in a 95% white Christian community,” said McTurd. “She’s been out of her fucking mind for quite some time now, and the only reason she got elected in the first place is because she looks like a used up ex-cheerleader from Muleshoe, and she has roughly the same IQ.”

PSRDCCR and other civil rights groups have already filed lawsuits in federal court today to overturn the ban and have Van Duyne committed to a psychiatric facility in Radiation Flats just south of Lubbock.

 

 

 

European Union Threatens Sanctions After Watching Last Night’s Debate

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Republican presidential candidates, from left, former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, former New York Gov. George Pataki, Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla., Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson, businessman Donald Trump, former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, businesswoman Carly Fiorina, Ohio Gov. John Kasich, and New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie take the stage during the CNN Republican presidential debate at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum on Wednesday, Sept. 16, 2015, in Simi Valley, Calif. (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – The European Commission, the executive branch of the European Union, met in emergency session in Brussels this morning to discuss possible sanctions against the United States if it looks like a Republican might win the White House in 2016.

President Jean-Claude Juncker explained to journalists after the meeting that member nations were alarmed by what they saw on CNN.

“We all saw clips of the first debate on Fox News, and after a brief meeting we decided that is was just more of that organization’s propaganda,” said Juncker. “But after last night, it seems that the GOP is seriously proposing that one of these clowns should be president of the United States.

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President Juncker declined to say what form the sanctions might take, but stressed that Europe would “do everything in its power” to prevent another dimwit from taking office.

“I was on the phone all morning long with panicked leaders from all over Europe, and I think I can speak for the entire continent when I say that we don’t want any of these fucked-up individuals to have the authority to launch nuclear weapons.

“Half of them are religious kooks and the other half don’t have the sense God gave a goat,” said Juncker, as he wiped sweat from his brow.

“We’d like to make it clear that this is not an indictment of the American people in general. We all have faith that the last thing Americans want is to put another hick in charge that will throw another land mass into chaos like Bush and that demon from hell Cheney did the Middle East. But we have to err on the side of caution and be ready to impose strict sanctions in the unlikely event that America loses its collective mind and tries to elect one of these idiots.”

President Juncker did not specify what form the sanctions might take, saying that the specifics were yet to be determined. However, he did say that European leaders would be “pulling out all the stops” to prevent the world from being subjected to another moron in the White House.