Category Archives: humor

Sarah Palin Declared Legally Dead

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BALTIMORE – (CT&P) – A team of distinguished physicians and Ph.D’s from Johns Hopkins who examined Sarah Palin during a recent trip to Baltimore has declared her legally dead.

While at Hopkins, Palin was subjected to a wide variety of tests including functional MRI, PET, EEG, and CAT scans, as well as a whole battery of other tests on her body and brain.

The leader of the team, Dr. Jay Baraban, a professor specializing in MicroRNA regulation of synaptic function, told CNN that the scientists found almost no electrical activity within Palin’s skull, indicating that Palin is basically a zombie.

“What we found was truly amazing,” said Baraban. “Ms Palin is basically a walking turnip. I’m amazed she has the ability to wipe her own ass.”

The team also found that Palin had little or no blood flow through her brain.

“The fMRI scan revealed that Palin’s brain is basically a fetid swamp,” said Dr. Jeremiah Cohen, an Assistant Professor of Neuroscience specializing in neural circuits for reward, mood, and decision-making. “I really don’t see how the woman can function at all. It’s no surprise to me that the bitch never makes any sense.”

The team’s findings are not legally binding, so no one should get their hopes up that Palin can be detained and placed in a facility where she can be studied for the freak of nature that she is. However, the proper authorities have been notified of her condition so she can be monitored until all her systems shut down or someone drives a spike through her head.

Glenn Beck’s Sanity Reaches “Tipping Point”

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LOS ANGELES -(CT&P) – A team of psychiatrists, psychologists, and graduate level researchers from UCLA tasked with keeping tabs on right-wing nut jobs has released a statement saying that they believe talk show host Glenn Beck has reached the point where he could snap and break with reality at any moment.

Beck, a historical revisionist, conspiracy theorist, and all around delusional fuckwit, runs his own media company, and has long been a magnet for weak-minded members of society.

Dr. John Bigboote, who leads the team at UCLA, told CNN that the mere fact that Beck has so many followers in the United States is alarming and does not bode well for the future of the country.

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Beck has long been haunted by the idea that a space alien or Satanic demon has taken over his soul and is directing his actions. He has to constantly remind himself that he is indeed a human being.

“Beck is one crazy fuck,” said Bigboote. “He thinks the world is run by a combination of the Illuminati and some unnamed dark force that lurks just beyond the asteroid belt. He has a massive messiah complex, and when you combine that with his multiple conspiracy theories and fucked up interpretation of history, well, it makes for a volatile mixture.”

Dr. John Yaya and Professor John Small Berries, other members of the prestigious research team, agree.

“Beck spent an entire hour of his radio program interviewing Jonathan Cahn, a huckster of the highest order, about his “Mystery of the Shemitah” theory, which postulates that some massive calamity — possibly an economic meltdown, possibly a terrorist attack, possibly a natural disaster — is going to strike the United States on September 13,” said Dr. Yaya. “This kind of crap is better suited for some kind of steam punk comic book than serious television. It shows just how close Beck is to losing it.”

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Beck, considered by most reasonable people to be a raving lunatic, became too unstable even for Fox News.

“That’s right,” said Professor Small Berries. “Beck thinks that America has reached some kind of ‘tipping point’ that will push us over into certain doom. The term is taking the dim-witted, weak minded evangelical crowd by storm. You can’t swing a cat without hitting the term ‘tipping point’ on the internet. These people truly believe that civil rights for all, marriage equality, and progressive ideas such as health care for the poor are going to lead to our destruction. They’re truly delusional.”

The UCLA team is set to publish their findings in next month’s edition of Psychology Today.

“Hopefully people will listen to us this time,” said Bigboote. “We accurately forecast Urban Meyer’s break with reality but University of Florida officials ignored our warnings, and look what happened; the Gators are having trouble defeating high school caliber opponents.

“Our sincere hope is that Beck can be institutionalized and get the help he needs so badly before something horrible happens to him or his loved ones. The sooner we get this fucking lunatic off the air the better.”

Carson Warns Jail Could Turn Davis Gay

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Image: 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)

WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Last night Republican presidential candidate and religious kook Dr. Ben Carson warned that excessive jail time could turn Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis gay.

Appearing on the Sean Hannity Show on Fox News, Carson said that Davis faced a big decision: she could either stop having sex for the duration of her sentence, or join the “dark side”and “go queer.”

The unhinged ex-neurosurgeon said that Davis’ voracious appetite for sex would very likely be her downfall.

“I’m sympathetic to her plight,” said Carson. “We all have sexual urges that we just can’t control, God knows I do. Jail time can be stressful and quite often people jump on whatever’s available when they’re incarcerated. It’s an effective stress reliever. Problem is, it sometimes it leads to lifelong homosexuality and eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

“I don’t think that Ms Davis’ habit of fucking anything that moves is suddenly going to go away simply because she’s in jail. She more than likely will come out the other end a self-described homo.”

Carson, who despite being an insane fuckwit who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old, is second in the Republican race for the presidential nomination.

 

 

God Punishes Kim Davis For Being A Rebellious Bitch

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on CNN this afternoon, God told Wolf Blitzer that he had decided to send Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis to jail for a while to “get her mind right.”

Davis, the Kentucky clerk who has defied the Supreme Court and steadfastly refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was led away in handcuffs after a hearing before Judge David L. Bunning of Federal District Court. The contempt finding was another legal defeat for Ms. Davis, who argues that she should not be forced to issue licenses that conflict with her religious beliefs.

“The court cannot condone the willful disobedience of its lawfully issued order,” said Judge Bunning, who was appointed by President George W. Bush. “If you give people the opportunity to choose which orders they follow, that’s what potentially causes problems.”

God told Blitzer that he worked through Judge Bunning to deliver his punishment for Davis, who resembles a long-haired bovine one might see in the Highlands of Scotland.

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God told Blitzer that he plans on working through both guards and inmates in an attempt to get Davis’ “mind right” about obeying authority and gay marriage.

“As you know Wolf, despite being an all-powerful being, I prefer to work in mysterious ways so no one really knows whether I exist or not,” said God.”Most of the time I just choose the appropriate mammal on the scene and have them do my bidding. Today was Judge Bunning’s turn to do my dirty work.”

God explained that despite many opportunities to do the right thing, Davis insisted on acting like a stupid, bigoted, pompous ass bitch who had no respect for the rule of law.

“I clearly stated in Romans 13 that ‘Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.'”

“Now someone like Kim Davis, who claims to have such reverence for my word, should have known better than to defy authority like she did. She can just sit her fat ass in jail til she comes around to my way of thinking. Hopefully while she’s there she’ll get some of that hideous hair cut off her head. I mean Jesus!”

God did not specify how long Davis will be jailed, but he did say that he had plans to work through several female Rowan County inmates to educate Davis on the subject of same-sex relationships.

CNN Uses Affirmative Action To Include Fiorina In Debate

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) –CNN is amending the criteria for its Republican presidential debate in September, opening the door for Carly Fiorina to join the other top-tier candidates on the stage.

The cause: a lack of national public polling following the August 6 debate has so far provided only three new polls to determine the lineup for the Reagan Presidential Debate, according to a  CNN statement. CNN also expressed the desire to place Fiorina on stage “because she is a woman and women deserve an equal chance to look stupid on national television, just like the men.”

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It’s hoped that the second debate will force the cream to rise to the top of the crowded Republican field.

As a result, CNN reevaluated its criteria and decided to add a provision that better reflects the state of the race since the first Republican presidential debate in August, the network announced Tuesday.

Now, any candidate who ranks in the top 10 in polling between August 7 and September 10 will be included.

The adjustment may result in additional candidates joining the top-tier debate, but the final podium placements will not be known until the eligibility window closes on September 10.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, who was named after a rare urinary tract disorder, called a press conference and said the GOP was pleased with the decision.

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Although Fiorina has entertained running for veep on a Trump-Fiorina ticket, pundits hope that she will still give the cretinous bigot hell on stage.

“We are delighted that Carly will be given the opportunity to look like an idiot along with all the other clowns we have running in 2016,” said Priebus.

“Now we have a real businesswoman in the mix who knows how to fire thousands of people and wreck a tech company while at the same time negotiating a golden parachute for herself. She really knows how to exploit and deceive the weak, and that’s always a plus with a Republican candidate.

“I think she’ll make an excellent addition to our group of religious kooks, conspiracy theorists, doofuses, and power mad megalomaniacs that are currently leading the field.”

The debate will air in prime time on CNN on September 16th.

 

DeKalb County To Overhaul Burglary Squad

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – After the latest in a string of fiascos perpetrated by the DeKalb County Burglary Response Unit, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation has recommended that the unit be completely revamped and manned with new personnel who are actually able to differentiate their asses from holes in the ground.

The decision was made to reorganize the unit after three officers decided to storm a dwelling near downtown Atlanta on Monday like members of Seal Team 6 attacking an Afghan village.

Georgia Bureau of Investigation officials said DeKalb County Police Department received a report of a suspicious person Monday night in a southeast Atlanta neighborhood where many of the single-story homes look similar.

“All the houses down there have roofs and front doors,” said Lieutenant Martin Chowderhead of DeKalb County’s Ass Covering Unit. “It can be very confusing.”

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This is not the first time the Burglary Squad has caused a stir. In April the team plowed into a group of schoolchildren on a field trip to Fernbank Science Center while pursuing a woman who had stolen a water pistol from a toy store. Seven kids were killed and a dozen more seriously injured.

Three officers arrived at the residence and attempted to contact any occupants in the home. When no contact was made, the officers went to the back of the home and gained entry to it through a screened porch. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation said police went through a “reportedly unlocked door.”

Upon entry, the officers encountered a dog.

Following their training as police officers, the two officers fired without hesitation at the approach of a living mammal. No thought was given that a burglarized home would probably not contain a fucking live barking dog. The animal was killed almost instantly in hail of gunfire, but the cops’ blood lust was not quite quenched.

When the owner of the home appeared to find out who had murdered his family pet, the officers let fly with another volley, shooting the innocent man in the leg and wounding one of their own in the abdomen.

In a statement, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation said, “Early investigation indicates that the injured officer was likely shot accidentally by one of the other officers on the scene, who were firing wildly at anything that fucking moved.”

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The squad has over time garnered the reputation of a group of dolts who often inadvertently kills those whom it is charged to protect. “I’d rather be captured by the Taliban than be rescued by the Burglary Squad,” said DeKalb County resident Morris Goldblatt. “It’d be much safer.”

The injured officer, who was taken to the hospital, is in “serious but stable condition,” said Steven Fore, a DeKalb County Police spokesman. The officer “lost a lot of blood” Monday, but will likely survive to be awarded the DeKalb County Medal of Valor for Courage in the Face of Unarmed Civilians, said Cedric Alexander, DeKalb County’s public safety director.

However, GBI spokesman Scott Dutton said it was too early in the investigation to determine exactly who fired the gunshots. Dutton said he did not know whether anyone in the home was armed beside the police officers, and just because no firearms were found in the home or within a one mile radius of the site that did not mean that some crafty undocumented worker from Mexico or even a space alien could have been involved.

GBI officials said there is no evidence the residents had committed any crimes in their entire fucking lives and were watching television when the Burglary Squad swooped in on them like Force 10 from Naverone.

The homeowner, who was shot in his leg, was treated at a hospital and released. His name was not released and he declined to comment, because he intends to sue the fuck out of DeKalb County.

DeKalb County Police asked its friends at the  Georgia Bureau of Investigation to take over the investigation into the incident so it would appear to the public that a higher authority was actually doing something constructive to protect the citizens of DeKalb from brain-damaged, trigger happy police officers.

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A study commission by the Georgia House of Representatives found that over the last five years the Burglary Squad has caused three dozen deaths and over 17 million dollars worth of damage to infrastructure and private property in and around DeKalb County.

In a statement released Tuesday, the bureau said after the investigation is completed, “it will be turned over to the district attorney for any action the district attorney deems appropriate.”

The three officers who perpetrated the debacle, Officer Mike Dimbulb, Officer Titus Dullard, and Sergeant Billy Joe Numbnuts were reassigned to desk duty while the investigation is active.

Officer Fore told 11 Dead or Alive News that Chief Cedric Alexander originally wanted to assign the nitwits to janitorial duties for two weeks as punishment for leaving living witnesses to the giant clusterfuck. However, several mid level personnel who personally know the officers in question expressed concern that they would create an environmental disaster if given access to harsh cleaning chemicals.

The shooting happened in a neighborhood about 5 miles from downtown Atlanta, which is normally a safe area unless you happen to be an unarmed black male minding your own fucking business.

 

New Information Reveals Kentucky Clerk To Be Adulterous Bovine Who Should Be Stoned To Death

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LEXINGTON, KY – (CT&P) – The Kentucky county clerk facing potentially stiff penalties for refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses has been married four times, raising questions of hypocrisy and selective application of the Bible to her life.

The marriages are documented in court records obtained by U.S. News, which show that Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis divorced three times, first in 1994, then 2006 and again in 2008.

She gave birth to twins five months after divorcing her first husband. They were fathered by her third husband but adopted by her second. Davis worked at the clerk’s office at the time of each divorce and has since remarried.

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Davis has on multiple occasions refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples and threatened to cast spells on them if they did not leave her office.

Davis has described her desire to strictly adhere to the Bible in stark terms and thus far has shown no sign of bending to court orders on same-sex marriage. She said Tuesday she fears going to hell for violating “a central teaching” of the Bible if she complies with the orders.

Davis’ struggle to exempt herself from the Supreme Court’s June decision legalizing same-sex marriage has excited some Christian conservatives but legally has proven futile: The Supreme Court refused her request Monday that the justices intervene, and a federal judge will decide Thursday whether to hold her in contempt or sentence her to be stoned to death for the whore that she is in accordance with the biblical law that she holds so dear.

Davis did not respond to an emailed request for comment, and her office’s phone line was busy throughout the day Tuesday.

The leader of the organization providing her legal representation, Mat Staver of Liberty Counsel, says he’s not sure precisely how many husbands Davis has had, or how many men she has picked up in sleazy bars and brought back to her trailer.

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Mat Staver, Davis’ attorney, said the case highlights the need for more goats and sheep to be raised in Kentucky so men would not be reduced to fighting over hideous beasts like Davis.

“I know she was married more than once – I’ve heard three times,” said Staver. “It’s a matter of fact that she’s been married multiple times. It’s also a matter of fact that this woman fucks like a rabbit. If it’s hot and hollow, she’s on it like white on rice.

Staver says “it’s not really relevant, it’s something that happened in her past-what’s really relevant here is the fact that there were four guys desperate enough to want to marry this cow. She has the IQ of a turnip and is about as attractive as a rattlesnake. Given the choice of her or celibacy, I can tell you I’m going for abstinence.”

Stavers said that according to the Bible her conversion to Christianity about four years ago wiped her slate clean. “Her past habits of jumping from bed to bed and reproducing like some kind of rodent is something that’s not relevant to the issue at hand,” he said.

“Mrs. Davis leads a godly lifestyle now centered around telling strangers how they should live their life and who they should sleep with. Since she’s been born again, she can be an odious, repellent, bigoted bitch during the week and be forgiven on Sunday. It’s a great system.”

If Davis is not sentenced to die, pundits predict that she will be removed from her post and be forced to seek new employment. Staver told Sean Hannity, a Fox News tumor and big fan of vile and disgusting individuals, that people should not worry about Davis because she currently has job offers from Chick-fil-A, Hobby Lobby, and the Taliban.

McDonald’s Ushers In The Apocalypse By Offering All-Day Breakfast

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OAK BROOK, IL – (CT&P) – Television evangelist and walking fossil Pat Robertson warned his viewers this morning that McDonald’s decision to offer its breakfast menu all day long is likely to precipitate the End Times.

“This decision, when combined with the upcoming blood moon, fulfills the ancient Biblical prophecies that warn of the Apocalypse,” said a trembling Robertson. “We’re all fucking doomed.”

The decision to offer breakfast all day means McDonald’s is embarking on its biggest operational change in years. All of its more than 14,300 U.S. restaurants will be effected.

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For years Robertson has blamed his chronic constipation on a three-per-day Filet-O-Fish habit.

The move to all-day breakfast, which McDonald’s has been testing since March and will start Oct. 6, was approved in a vote by franchisees last week and affirmed Tuesday by a franchisee leadership council, the company said.

The expansion marks the latest initiative under Chief Executive Steve Easterbrook, who took over on March 1 vowing to revamp the burger giant’s stale image and end a sales slump in the U.S. that began nearly three years ago.

McDonald’s customers for years have asked the company to sell breakfast items past the traditional 10:30 a.m. cutoff, but the challenges of cooking Egg McMuffins alongside Big Macs deterred the company. In an interview, McDonald’s USA President Mike Andres said it is the biggest strategic move the company has made since it rolled out its McCafe line of coffee and espresso drinks across the U.S. in 2009.

However, Robertson warned that CEO Easterbrook, despite his name, is really the demon Asag in disguise.

“Asag is well-known to cause all forms of illness, including food poisoning,” said Robertson, as he chugged his morning prune juice cocktail.

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McDonalds CEO Steve Easterbrook told CNN that the all day breakfast menu was a marketing decision and had nothing to do with precipitating hell on earth. “This is a decision meant to help our bottom line, and if it triggers the return of Jesus, well then I’m prepared to offer him free Egg McMuffins for the duration of the Last Days,” said Easterbrook.

“McDonald’s is making this change as the moon turns blood-red for the fourth time in 18 months, signaling the completion of the tetrad and doom for this planet. I hope that every God-fearing American will boycott McDonalds and swing by a Chick-fil-A drive-thru instead. Remember, God hates fags, and so does Chick-fil-A.”

Meanwhile at a press conference this morning Andres explained that offering an all day breakfast menu had nothing whatsoever to do with the Apocalypse.

“Pat Robertson is a fucking kook, and anyone who listens to him is an idiot,” said Andres. “Hell, I wish we could just go on TV and beg for money in the name of Jesus, but we don’t have a fucking tax exemption like that asshole.”

“This is the consumers’ idea. This is what they want us to do,” Mr. Andres said. “That’s why I think this could be the catalyst for our turnaround.”

 

In response to Andres remarks, Robertson told Fox News that “the man was possessed by Baal” and had no clue what he was talking about.

Obama Destroys Country Again

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Obama-Angry

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – President Barack Obama will officially restore Denali as the name of North America’s tallest mountain today, siding with the state of Alaska in ending a 40-year battle over what to call a peak that has been known as Mount McKinley.

The historic change, coming at the beginning of a three-day presidential trip to Alaska, is a sign of how hard the White House will push during Obama’s remaining 16 months as president to ensure his fight to address climate change is part of his legacy.

Renaming the mountain, which has an elevation of more than 20,000 feet (6,100 meters), makes headlines for his climate quest while also creating goodwill in a state that has not been broadly supportive to the Democratic president.

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Pat Robertson emerged from a coma on his television show this morning to warn that God will not stand by and let a negro Muslim president rename our sacred mountains.

Obama is slated to tour a receding glacier and meet people in remote Arctic communities whose way of life is affected by rising ocean levels, creating images designed to build support for regulations to curb carbon emissions.

However, a large number of idiots around the country have decried the name change as part of Obama’s continuing attempts to leave the United States a burned-out wreck of its former self when he leaves office.

“This must be part of Jade Helm North,” said C. J. Grisham, idiot, blogger, and president of Open Carry Texas, an organization full of sexual insecure misfits.

“As white people who support the constitution, we can’t just stand by and let that negra Muslim cede our sovereignty to a bunch of Indians. It’s bad enough that he let’s in all those Mexican rapists and murderers. If someone doesn’t stop him, all Americans will have equal rights, and we can’t have that.”

Rush Limbaugh, idiot and formerly important conservative talk show host, told his audience on Friday that Obama was just pandering to the powerful “Injun lobby” in hopes of locking up the 2016 election for Joe Biden.

“It’s a power grab by the minorities that threaten our archaic and bigoted white power structure,” said Limbaugh. “We have to rise up and make sure that nothing ever changes in America. We stole the country fair and square, and we can call it whatever we like.”

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Ohio, known as the “Mother of Drunken Presidents,” boasts eight American presidents, including U.S. Grant, whose liquor bill almost bankrupted the country in 1876.

The dangerously unbalanced Reverend Pat Robertson, an idiot who has made millions preaching the gospel of the socialist crusader Jesus of Nazareth, told viewers of the 700 Club that Tropical Storm Erika was a warning to all Christians in America that if Obama renames Mt. McKinley it will precipitate the End Times.

“If we really want to insure the safety of the United States we should give Alaska to Israel, like the prophecy states in the Bible,” said Robertson, as his enormous head lolled uncontrollably from side to side. Robertson then asked his viewers to pray with him and make a donation to his “Feedsack Fund” for the care and maintenance of all his expensive race horses.

Many other idiots across the U.S. object to the renaming as well, but none more than in the State of Ohio, where a misguided loyalty to McKinley and its seven other presidents almost reaches the level of religious fervor.

“Our presidents were the best,” said Verne McButt, a short order cook and graduate of Ohio State’s School of Acorn Management. “Virginia ain’t got shit on us.”

Although protests by misguided idiots, bigoted assholes, and miscreant climate change deniers are sure to continue, they will more than likely have little effect on Obama, who arrived at the “fuck it” stage of his presidency months ago.

 

 

Daleiden Loses Virginity Four Years Ahead Of Schedule

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IRVINE, CALIFORNIA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show last night, 26-year-old propaganda filmmaker and insecure dweeb David Daleiden announced that he had lost his virginity a full four years ahead of his intended target date.

Daleiden told Hannity that he had given up hope of having sex before he was 30 and the encounter was completely unexpected.

“It just happened Sean, no one was more surprised than me,” said Daleiden, who had a huge grin on his face. “No woman has ever been interested in me before now.”

“In high school I was considered a loser, and girls treated me like radioactive waste. Nothing has really changed since then, but let me tell you, these films I patched, edited, and glued together from conversations taken out of context has made me a rock star with young Christian women. It’s great!”

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Daleiden told Hannity that Chastity had taken a month-long leave from her job in Atlantic City and they planned on really getting to know each other over the next 30 days. “I may be in love,” he said.

Daleiden relayed to a bemused Hannity that a young God-fearing fan had approached him after a speech he made outside the trailer that serves as international headquarters for his sham organization called the Center for Medical Progress.

“She said she admired me for what I was doing and wanted to share some of God’s love,” said Daleiden.

“She told me her name was Chastity McTart from Beaver Falls, New York and she had hitchhiked across the country to meet me and thank me for the good work I was doing for women’s health issues. I just couldn’t believe it. I really hadn’t been thinking too much about sex because I didn’t know anything about it, and I’ve been too busy for the last decade trying to sink an organization dedicated to the well-being of low-income women across the United States.

Daleiden told Hannity that although he had been obsessed with controlling women’s vaginas and their personal medical decisions for most of his life, he had never really thought about how babies are made in the first place.

“But let me tell you Sean, this fucking stuff is really where it’s at!” Had I known how fun it is I wouldn’t have wasted my time with all this bullshit I’ve been involved in for so many years. In fact, I plan on fucking a lot from now on!”

In the closing segment of the show Daleiden told Hannity that Chastity had promised give him something called a blowjob tonight and he was really was looking forward to it.