Category Archives: humor

Fucking F-35 To Be Tested Against A-10 In Ground Attack Scenarios

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – The Defense Department plans to test the fifth-generation F-35 Joint Strike Fighter jet against the Cold War-era A-10 attack aircraft in close air support tests, according to multiple news reports.

During a conference last week in Arlington, Virginia, General Jack Ripper, USAF (Ret) an air warfare specialist and conspiracy theorist for the Pentagon’s office of the director of operational test and evaluation said the so-called comparative tests will take place in late 2017 or 2018, according to Politico and Defense Daily.

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Current plans for the test call for the F-35 to be loaded with high explosive and crashed into the ground in the center of the target area. Regretfully this means losing the pilot, but since the ejection system in the F-35 will not be operational until 2036, the Pentagon feels it has no choice.

The A-10, considered the best ground attack and close air support aircraft ever built, is essentially a flying tank capable of taking out an entire armored column in one pass. It has proved invaluable for vaporizing and dismembering a wide variety of enemies, including 7th century camel jockeys intent on returning the world to the Dark Ages before people knew enough to wash their hands after taking a shit.

 

The Pentagon plans to test the F-35 against the A-10 have been called “ludicrous” by people who actually have the sense God gave a goat.

“The F-35 is a plane that cannot yet fire its cannon, must avoid thunderstorms because electrical disturbances cause the plane to fly upside down, spontaneously combusts when being refueled, and cannot even carry a fucking full bomb load, said Dr. Strangelove, a defense planning expert for the Bland Corporation.

“The F-35 has trouble taking off and landing. How the fuck is it going to destroy anything other than the federal budget?”

 

“It would be like testing a miniature poodle against a Rottweiler for home defense,” said General Buck Turgidson, commander of the 843 Bomb Wing based at Burpelson Air Force Base in Omaha.

 

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General Ripper said that losing the pilot during these tests will be regrettable, but the Pentagon has to prove that the 1.5 trillion dollar F-35 can destroy something, even if it means destroying itself in the process.

“The F-35 is a pretty plane and all, and no one can deny that it’s fast, especially when it veers out of control and crashes into a stadium filled with soccer fans, but if it comes down to nuclear combat toe-to-toe with the Russkies, give the Warthog any day!”

 

Although the parameters for the upcoming tests have not yet been determined, General Ripper told Politico that current plans are for the F-35 to be loaded with high explosives and after a brief ceremony with a small glass of Jack Daniels, the pilot will be fitted with an Auburn bandanna and told to crash the fucking plane into the ground near the target.

 

“It’s the only way we can score close to the A-10 in these tests,” said General Ripper, as he took a big swig of grain alcohol and rainwater.

Iran Expected To Do Excellent Job Inspecting Their Own Fucking Nuclear Facility

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VIENNA – (CT&P) – Iran, in an unusual arrangement, will be allowed to use its own experts to inspect a site it allegedly used to develop nuclear arms under a secret agreement with the U.N. agency that normally carries out such work, according to a document seen by The Associated Press.

The agreement diverges from normal inspection procedures between the IAEA and a member country by essentially ceding the agency’s investigative authority to Iran. It allows Tehran to employ its own experts and equipment in the search for evidence of activities that it has been lying its ass off about for years.

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Chief Iranian negotiator and Minister of the Department of Vaporizing Tel Aviv, Mohammad Javad Zarif, told the Tehran Times-Picayune that “these Americans never fail to crack me up.”

“This historic agreement will guarantee the world that Iran has not been lying about the Parchin site because if it were, that would mean that it was dishonest,” said U.N. President Sam “I Am” Boutros Boutros Kahamba Kutesa Zimbabwe Smith.

“I feel confident that Iranian inspectors would let us know in a heartbeat if Iran was up to anything bad or mean-spirited.”

Condemnation of the ludicrous agreement was swift and caustic by Israeli politicians in Tel Aviv and those assigned to work within the U.S. Congress.

Senator Tom “Dead Eyes” Cotton told Fox News that “the time has come to turn Iran into glass,” and he would be more than willing to ride the first bomb targeted for Tehran.

Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu told the Bethlehem Fair Dealer that he was ready to fly to the United States and “kick Obama’s black ass.”

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Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has volunteered to ride the first bomb destined for Iran sometime late next week.

Evidence of the concession, as outlined in the document, is sure to increase pressure from U.S. congressional opponents as they review the July 14 Iran nuclear deal and vote on a resolution of disapproval in early September. If the resolution passed and President Barack Obama vetoed it, opponents would need a two-thirds majority to override it. Even Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, a Republican, has suggested opponents will likely lose.

 

The White House has denied claims by critics that a secret “side deal” favorable to Tehran exists. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry has said the Parchin document is like other routine arrangements that allow crazed bloodthirsty Muslims to inspect their own fucking weapons facilities.

 

Senate Foreign Relations Chairman Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., rubs his faces as he listens to Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., speak during his confirmation hearing to become the next top diplomat, replacing Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Thursday, Jan. 24, 2013, on Capitol Hill in Washington. Kerry is likely to face friendly questioning on a smooth path to approval before the committee he has served on for 28 years and led for the past four. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Secretary of State John Kerry is said to be in deep depression and is on round the clock suicide watch in his Boston mansion after trying to choke himself to death with a bottle of ketchup.

“This agreement is no different from numerous agreements we’ve made with other religious kooks who want to return to the good old days before there was electricity and indoor plumbing,” said Kerry, who looked like he had just been told he had a week to live. “I see no problem with it.”

Republican critics are bound to harshly criticize any document that cedes to Iran the right to look for the very nuclear wrongdoing that it has denied committing.

Olli Heinonen, who was in charge of the Iran probe as deputy IAEA director general from 2005 to 2010, said he can think of no instance where a country being probed was allowed to do its own investigation.

“This is just fucked up,” said Heinonen. “It would be like assigning Heinrich Himmler to inspect Dachau for evidence of crimes against humanity. It’s insane.”

 

 

 

 

 

Fester Addams Joins Republican Field For President

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference yesterday afternoon, state senator Fester Addams (R-FL) announced that he would be joining the already crowded field vying for the Republican nomination for president.

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Fester said his first priority as president will be to formulate some sort of coherent energy policy.

From his mansion at 0001 Cemetery Lane in Panama City, Fester told reporters that it was high time a serious candidate with a firm grip on the issues joined the race.

 

“I saw that train wreck of a debate Thursday night, and watched in horror as candidate after candidate spewed the same tired rhetoric we’ve heard for decades,” said Fester.

 

“I just could not believe the bullshit I was hearing. It’s almost as if these guys are stuck in some sort of 1960’s sitcom.”

 

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Fester told reporters that he finally made up his mind to run after he saw how well Senator Ted Cruz was doing despite making a fool of himself on a regular basis

Fester, affectionately known as “Uncle” to his colleagues in Florida, is well-known for his antics on the floor of the state house, which include sticking light bulbs in his mouth and moving metal objects around the room with his mind in order to distract Democrat speakers.

 

Fester said that he had been considering a run for quite some time but the straw that broke the dragon’s back was the nonsense that came out of Senator Ted Cruz’s mouth during the debate.

 

“If that lunatic can spout the crap he does and actually climb in the polls, well then I ought to have a legitimate shot at the nomination,” said Fester.

Fester told the assembled reporters that the bulk of his campaign will be financed by his brother Gomez, but a kickoff fundraiser will be held this week in the fetid swamp bordering his home.

“Everyone is invited,” said Fester.

 

Planned Parenthood Selling Fetal Tissue To Gay Labs

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a guest spot on Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, esteemed filmmaker and respected intellectual David Daleiden told Beck that in episode six of his groundbreaking documentary on the Planned Parenthood conspiracy he will target the organization’s plot to sell fetal tissue to gay laboratories around the globe.

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Although the 26-year-old Daleiden has never had sex with another person, he is widely considered to be an expert on reproduction, women’s health, and fetal tissue research.

Daleiden explained to a profusely sweating Beck that for years hundreds of Planned Parenthood physicians, administrators, and janitors had been part of a conspiracy to sell fetal tissue from aborted babies to laboratories working on a secret “gay vaccine.”

According to Daleiden, the vaccine is part of an initiative by the Obama White House to inject young kids with a “gay virus” that would result in the rapid increase in the number of gays in the United States.

 

“It’s all part of the wider conspiracy to push the gay agenda down our throats and reduce the number of live births in America so we can more easily be oppressed by the government,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand.

 

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Daleiden said that gay laboratories, both foreign and domestic, are using fetal tissue to develop a “gay vaccine” to give to our kids in order to make them homosexuals.

“This episode is sure to blow the lid off the conspiracy once and for all,” said Daleiden. “Of course, like in the other videos, I had to do a great deal of editing in order to make Planned Parenthood look as bad as possible, and I added a few scenes from some Mel Gibson movies in order to take up the slack, but I think your audience of kooks and weak-minded conspiracy theorists will get the gist of what I’m saying.”

 

After Daleiden left so he could appear on another batshit crazy radio show, Beck praised the famous filmmaker for his courage and depth of insight into the conspiracy between Planned Parenthood, gay laboratories, and the Obama Administration.

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Daleiden told Beck that episode seven of his documentary will focus on the conspiracy to clone a gay Hitler and raise him to rule the United States after all our guns are taken away.

“I just can’t say enough about this brave young man,” said Beck, as tears rolled down his face. “To think that this conspiracy has been going on right under our noses all this time, and it took an unbalanced 26-year-old misfit to root it out! And the gays are at the center of it! I just can’t call myself an American anymore.”

Beck put his money where his mouth is by taking down the American flag on his TV show. The emotional, gut wrenching ceremony was seen by hundreds of viewers worldwide.

Beck replaced the Stars and Stripes with two flags he had custom-made by a company that caters to his insane ideas. One was a Bennington flag with “Liberty” and “Union” printed on the bottom, two words Beck misinterprets on a regular basis. The other was a depiction of a Christmas tree with “An Appeal to Heaven” written on it.

There is no word yet on whether his imaginary friend has responded to his plea.

 

 

New Pentagon Report Indicates F-35 Continues To Suck

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BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE, OMAHA – (CT&P) -The 1.5 trillion-dollar F-35 Joint Strike Fighter is unable to defeat the decades old F-16 in a dogfight, according to a report released last week by the Pentagon.

According to the report, in visual range air-to-air dogfight tests conducted in January between an F-35A and an F-16C, the F-35 was “shot down” by the decades-old F-16 nine out of ten times. In the one instance where the F-35 was victorious it was aided by a flock of geese that flew into the path of the F-16 at a critical moment and collided with it, causing the pilot to eject.

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Ground crews have begun drawing straws to see who refuels the F-35 because of its tendency to spontaneously combust on the tarmac.

The F-35, nicknamed ‘The Garbage Scow’ or ‘The Widow Maker’ by test pilots, has been plagued with problems from its inception, but the dogfight analysis offered some of the most depressing news yet to USAF officials.

The report stated that F-16 was able to “fly rings around the new jet” and shoot it down as if it were a Sopwith Camel or other World War I flying machine.

The report even goes into what is akin to a fairly desperate move usually only used in one-on-one air combat maneuvers, known as a rudder reversal, that the F-35 is apparently decent at performing at slow speeds. The fact that this was even detailed in the report as a useful tactic is telling. In reality, using such maneuvers means you are probably going to die if any other bad guys are in the area as it rapidly depletes the aircraft’s energy state, leaving it vulnerable to attack.

And to add insult to injury, the JSF flier discovered he couldn’t even comfortably move his head inside the radar-evading jet’s cramped cockpit. “The helmet was too large for the space inside the canopy to adequately see behind the aircraft.” That allowed the F-16 to sneak up on him.

The F-16 pilot, Major T. J. “King” Kong reportedly told his commanding officer that it was like “shooting fish in a barrel.”

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Major T.J. “King” Kong said that although the F-35 “sure was purty” it wouldn’t be worth a shit if it had to go “toe to toe with the Russkies.”

“It was just like a turkey shoot back home in Lubbock,” said Major Kong. “I could see that poor feller twistin’ and turnin’ in his seat and bangin’ his head on the canopy just like a coon trapped in a shoebox. It was like going up against Snoopy and his flyin’ doghouse, I tell ya. I mean, it shore is a purty plane and all, but I’ll retire before I have to fly one of those junk heaps!”

USAF General Jack Ripper, who has from the beginning been critical of the trillion-dollar aircraft, told Aviation Week that our only hope is that the Chinese copy the plane down to the last detail.

“It can’t fire its cannon, it has trouble flying right side up, it has a tendency to explode during refueling, it has trouble turning and climbing, it can’t fly near thunderstorms, and it’s computer systems are just as likely to target automobiles on the interstate as enemy aircraft. Hell, even its stealth capabilities have turned out to be a drawback ’cause we can’t find the wreckage when one goes down. It’s a trillion dollar piece of shit!”

Despite all of its troubles the F-35 continues to be a big hit with congressmen in whose districts the plane’s parts are manufactured, and with war hawks intent on bankrupting the country through the military industrial complex.

Each plane will cost over $100 billion and runs about $35,000 per hour to operate. The Pentagon plans on building over 2500 of the abominations.

God help us all.

 

 

 

Raptor Jesus Condemns Walter Palmer To Spend All Of Eternity Burning In The Fires Of Hell

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VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – Following his usual Friday champagne brunch with Pope Francis this morning, Raptor Jesus paused outside the Vatican long enough to tell journalists that he had “had it up to here” with both poachers and cosmetic dentists.

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Raptor Jesus’ love of animals is well-known. In Iguana 19:14 RJ said, “Suffer the little lizards to come unto me and offer them meal worms, for of such is the animal kingdom.”

“Both are the disciples of Lucifer,” said the Prince of Scales.

“Therefore I think it is only just, since he is the very embodiment of evil, that I make an example of Dr. Walter Palmer. After he has a brief, say, 15 year stint in a Zimbabwean butt-rape prison, I’m going to have Gabe pay him a visit and extradite his sorry ass to Hades.”

“He ought to have a real good time in the slam with that dysfunctional penis of his,” chuckled the reptilian Redeemer.

During a brief question and answer period after RJ was finished, a reporter from the Messianic Times commented that although everyone on earth except the soulless cretins at Breitbart and The Blaze wanted Palmer behind bars for what he did to Cecil, he didn’t understand the Savior’s enmity regarding cosmetic dentistry.

“I’ll show you why I hate their guts,” said the Ruler of Reptiles, at which point Raptor Jesus produced a brilliant smile, revealing row after row of razor-sharp teeth, each about two inches long.

“My dentist, Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey, promised me a ‘Hollywood smile,’ and this is what I ended up with. To Hell with all of them is what I say,” said the Lizard King of Kings. “Now if you will excuse me I’ve got to take off. I’m needed on Planet 10 to resolve a dispute between rival sects of sauropods.”

 

 

 

 

Family Of Walter Palmer Joins Chorus Of Voices Calling For His Demise

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BLOOMINGTON, MINNESOTA – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference this morning Helga Palmer, wife of subhuman lion murderer Walter Palmer, called for her husband to be located and arrested as soon as possible.

Mrs Palmer appeared on the steps of Dr. Palmer’s once-thriving dental practice with her two daughters, Warthog and Wildebeest, Palmer’s mother Enid, and his former receptionist Chastity Candy.

Mrs. Palmer called the news conference in order to show solidarity with the millions of people disgusted and outraged by Mr. Palmer’s bloodthirsty killing spree.

“I just want to say that I’m sorry for Walter’s actions,” said a tearful Helga. “Walter is a very sick man, but that in no way justifies what he has done. I think we all can agree that Walter belongs in either in a mental hospital or thousands of feet below the surface of the earth in some Zimbabwean mine doing forced labor for the rest of his life.”

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Dr. Palmer’s victims list reads like a who’s who of African and Asian wildlife. He is suspected of breaking into a big game sanctuary in Wisconsin and going on a murderous rampage back in 2005, but authorities did not have enough evidence to convict him. “The bastard is worse than ISIS”, said a spokesman for the FBI.

When asked why she married Palmer in the first place, Helga responded: “I guess I was entranced by the prospect of a glamorous life as the wife of a big-game hunting dentist. It certainly wasn’t for the sex; Walter has a pencil dick, and it rarely functions properly anyway.”

Enid Palmer, Walter’s mom, agreed:

“I knew when Walter was born that he was going to be inferior in that department. If I had been thinking clearly at the time I would have left his ass outside the house for the coyotes to devour. What a loser!”

Chastity Candy, Palmer’s former receptionist and part-time stripper at the Gopher Hole Bar and Grill in Chippewa Falls, told reporters that she also wanted Palmer behind bars.

“The son of a bitch promised me a new set of implants and free periodontal work for life. I had to sue him just to get a measly hundred grand, and most of that went to the lawyer. I’ll never trust a dentist again!”

When a reporter asked Palmer’s kids what they wanted to happen to their dad they got more negative responses.

“What the hell do you think I want to happen to the bastard?” said fourteen year old Wildebeest. “The asshole named me ‘Wildebeest’ for Christ’s sake!”

Perhaps 3-year-old Warthog summed up everyone’s feelings best when she said, “I hate my Daddy!”

Mrs. Palmer closed the press conference by making a plea for people to visit her new website, WalterPalmerSucks.com, and making a contribution to her kids’ college fund.

American Dental Association Urges Walter Palmer To Commit Suicide

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During an appearance on Fox and Friends this morning, American Dental Association president Maxine Feinberg made an impassioned public plea to Dr. Walter Palmer, the scum-sucking Minnesota dentist who murdered Cecil the Lion, to kill himself “by any means available” to him.

“We polled our membership, and four out of five dentists surveyed recommended suicide,” said Feinberg. “The remaining 20% thought that Dr. Palmer should be extradited to Zimbabwe to stand trial and face a life sentence in an African butt-rape prison.”

Palmer, whose whereabouts are unknown, has been excoriated on the internet and in the press over the last two days for tying a dead animal to the front of a vehicle and luring Cecil out of a protected area so he could be shot with a bow and arrow and die a slow agonizing death lasting over 40 hours.

Dr. Palmer’s dental practice in Bloomington, Minnesota has been shut down and his home is unoccupied. He has received death threats on Facebook and Twitter and been the subject of some remarkable reviews on Yelp.

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Dr. Palmer has a long history of flying all over the world in order to murder defenseless animals so he can prove that he is still a man despite his small penis, which he refers to as “Little Peeps.”

ADA president Feinberg told Steve Doocy that Palmer was giving dentists around the country an even worse name than they already had.

“It’s bad enough that everyone hates us to begin with,” said Feinberg. “Now kids are asking their dentists if they plan on murdering Bambi or the Easter Bunny. We’re about as popular as a dog catching member of Congress right now.”

Feinberg said that although the vast majority of dentists wanted Palmer dead, they disagreed on what method he should use to off himself.

“Dr. Max Nebelwerfer from Bleeding Gums, Kansas told us that Palmer should tie himself to his dental chair and drink a bottle of liquid Drano,” said Feinberg. “Dr. Emily Fang from Melanoma Beach, Florida told us that she thought Palmer should sever several minor arteries with a scalpel and go swimming off the beaches of North Carolina. There’s no end to the ideas pouring into our website. Despite having a reputation for being anal, we dentists can be very creative when we want to be.

“Although, there’s a lot of disagreement about how he should do it, one thing’s for sure, everyone wants the bastard dead,” said Feinberg in closing.

This is not the first time Palmer has been in trouble. He was convicted of lying to federal agents regarding an illegal bear hunt in 2006, and settled a sexual harassment suit involving his receptionist in 2009.

Fox and Friends replicant Brian Kilmeade asked regular contributor Dr. Keith Ablow to offer some insight on Palmer’s murderous behavior and tendency to prey on his female staff.

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In 2010 Dr. Palmer was named “Dentist Most Likely to Abuse Little Children” by the American Dental Association.

“Dr. Palmer exhibits all the symptoms of Gherkinson’s Disease, a syndrome normally associated with a tiny schlong and shrunken, misshapen testicles,” said Ablow.

“Many assholes who hunt just for the sick pleasure of seeing animals die have a desperate need to prove to the world that they are real men despite having inferior sexual equipment. I think we can safely say Palmer has a short shaft, or possibly one that takes a dogleg left.”

In fact, one of Palmer’s close friends told Anderson Cooper of CNN that Walter’s high school nickname was ‘Inch Worm,’ so Ablow’s theory seems to make sense.

Palmer released a statement this afternoon through the public relations firm he hired to extricate himself from this mess.

In it he said that he was sorry for killing Cecil, sorry for killing a bear 40 fucking miles away from where he was supposed to be hunting, sorry for sexually abusing his receptionist while she was under the influence of Xanax and nitrous oxide, and sorry that his kids were conceived in vitro because his micro dick proved incapable of performing in the usual fashion.

He said that at this time he had no intention of killing himself and looks forward to a future as a short order cook at a Waffle House in Tanzania.

 

Trump Asks Carly Fiorina To Be Running Mate

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – This morning Donald Trump told the couch tumors on Fox and Friends that he has asked Carly Fiorina to be his running mate in the upcoming 2016 presidential election.

Confident of victory over the “bunch of losers” running against him for the Republican nomination, Trump told Brian Kilmeade that he wanted to go ahead and get a veep on board as early as possible so the two of them could get down to some serious Hillary bashing over the next 12 months.

After Steve Doocy explained to Kilmeade what a “veep” was, Kilmeade asked Trump if he wasn’t “jumping the gun” a little.

“Listen Brian, I’m rich, and that’s all anyone needs to know,” said Trump. “If America is to survive the wave of diseased Mexican rapists that our Kenyan Muslim socialist dictator of a president has allowed to enter this country then I’m the only reasonable choice.

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Fiorina accepted Trump’s offer after seeing her latest polling numbers, which indicate that she is about as popular as an intestinal parasite.

“America still has a chance to be great again, but only if I’m elected. My secret plans to defeat ISIS and Iran are rock solid, and my economic policies are the greatest that mankind has ever devised.”

When Kilmeade asked Trump why he chose Fiorina over all the other raving lunatics in the GOP field, Trump answered, “Well, she’s a woman, which means she’ll be easily intimidated and do exactly as I say, and I admire the way she negotiated a golden parachute for herself as she ran Hewlett-Packard right into the ground.

“Also, she understands the Republican economic philosophy, which dictates that business owners should lay off tens of thousands of workers, cut benefits, and pay subsistence wages while politicians destroy the social safety net and give tax breaks to huge corporations and the wealthiest 1% in this country. That way, economic prosperity will trickle down to the oppressed masses and we’ll create a whole bunch of new low paying dead-end jobs. It’s a time-tested successful formula that’s worked every time it’s been tried, and it has the wonderful side benefit of destroying the middle class.”

The three Fox and Friends abnormal tissue masses congratulated Trump on his logic, and after wiping saliva from their chins, moved on to interview Dr. Ben Carson, another GOP candidate and insane person who believes that the Ark was real and dinosaurs once walked the earth with man.

Daleiden: Planned Parenthood Conspiring With Space Aliens

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – In his most shocking revelation to date, last night on the O’Reilly Factor David Daleiden provided video evidence that executives from Planned Parenthood are actively cooperating with a malevolent race of space aliens in order to clear the path for an eventual invasion of earth.

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Daleiden told O’Reilly that he obtained the video from a disillusioned alien outcast who had been banned from the mothership because he had associated with the wrong group of humans.

Daleiden told Bill O’Reilly that the conspiracy to hand over earth to an alien species had been hatched during the Nixon Administration and had been gaining momentum for decades.

“They’re extracting DNA from fetal tissue in order to create a race of mind-dead zombies to use as a food source here on earth,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand. “If we don’t move to defund Planned Parenthood and ban all abortions and birth control, we’re doomed.”

Although the video was jerky and appeared to be patched together from old episodes of the X-Files, 50’s era horror flicks, and home videos featuring Daleiden on some farm with a goat, O’Reilly seemed to swallow the story hook, line, and sinker.

“We can’t allow this to happen,” said O’Reilly. “We’ve got to warn ‘the folks.’ When you combine this outrage with rap music and women’s suffrage, it could mean the end of humanity!”

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Although Daleiden has never had sex himself and has no clue what the fuck he is talking about most of the time, he is certain that he knows what is best for humanity. “God only wants us to have sex once we are married and then only in the missionary position for the purpose of procreation,” said Daleiden.

“It could very well be too late,” said Daleiden. “You can see the results of the aliens’ work just by looking across the political landscape. There are whole political parties that are no more than sheep. Take the Tea Party for instance; they’re little more than mindless automatons who can’t even spell. It’s sad.”

Although none of Daleiden’s videos have proved that Planned Parenthood has broken any laws or even done anything morally wrong, he promised a fawning O’Reilly that his next offering would be absolutely earth-shattering.

“I have incontrovertible evidence that Planned Parenthood is providing fetal tissue to a top-secret lab run by Dennis Rodman in North Korea,” said Daleiden. “They’re trying to produce a master race of NBA stars. It’s deplorable and could lead to the downfall of American sports as we know it.”