NRA Blames Oregon Shooting On ‘Gun Free’ Zones

Wayne-LaPierre-the-French-gun-nut-e1356371930621

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference this evening, CEO and Executive Vice President of the NRA Wayne LaPierre blamed today’s mass shooting in Oregon on dangerous ‘gun free zones’ around schools, churches, and government buildings.

The shooting, in which at least 13 were killed and at least 20 more wounded, occurred at Umpqua Community College, which has about 3,000 students, in a rural community about three hours south of Portland. The first calls came in at 10:38 a.m., local officials said, and the college was put on lockdown as a number of law enforcement agencies responded.

The gunman died after an exchange of gunfire with the police.

The NRA was quick to respond to the tragedy, releasing a statement even as the last bullets were being fired by the perpetrator and law enforcement. The statement emphasized that if only we could do away with liberal politicians and communist school administrators that push for gun free zones around schools and other public buildings these types of senseless tragedies could be avoided.

At LaPierre’s presser later in the day LaPierre stressed that the only way to stop mass shootings in America was for every citizen to be armed from childhood to death with automatic weapons and large capacity magazines.

“We have to stop this senseless violence,” said an emotional LaPierre. “The NRA has always been against these dangerous gun free zones. Whenever any group of people is walking around unarmed it’s just asking for trouble. In the next session of Congress, we intend to push for a bill providing free or discounted weapons to all Americans. And it’s not just guns we need. We’ve partnered with our friends in the manufacturing sector to push for the legal ownership of RPG’s, flamethrowers, and crew-served automatic weapons.

“We also believe that everyone in the U.S. should own a shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missile in case one of these nuts decides to attack a school in a private aircraft. It just makes good sense.”

President Obama, who earlier in the day expressed his sadness after hearing of the shooting, responded to LaPierre by saying: “Wayne LaPierre is a giant prick.”

 

 

Christians Fail To Shut Down Government; Vow To Screw The Poor Sometime In December

christians88

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) -With only hours to spare on the last day of the fiscal year, Congress averted a government shutdown on Wednesday by approving a temporary spending measure to keep federal agencies operating through Dec. 11.

In the House, the legislation was approved only because of strong support by Democrats — a sign of how angry rank-and-file Republicans remain over their powerlessness to force policy changes on the Obama administration.

christians5

Christian outrage over propaganda films patched together by David Daleiden have added fuel to government shutdown fire. Rumor has it the next round of videos features Planned Parenthood employees feeding Christian fetuses to a pride of lions.

The House vote was 257 to 151, with 186 Democrats and 91 Republicans in favor. All of the “no” votes were by Republicans.

In one last display of their fury, House Republicans on Wednesday adopted another resolution to cut off government financing to Planned Parenthood. The resolution was to be sent to the Senate, where Democrats were certain to block it.

The House Freedom Caucus, a band of about 40 right-wing religious kooks who favor a Christian version of sharia law, was outraged that their attempt to deny food and medical care to the poor was again stopped by more reasonable politicians.

Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan (R-OH) told Fox News anchor Sean Hannity on his radio show today that although this attempt to wreck the food stamp program and deny poor women access to cancer screenings and low-cost contraception was blocked, another attempt will be made in December, just in time for Christmas.

christians77

Right wing Christians are rarely accused of being the most intellectually formidable political faction.

“We follow the teachings of Jesus Christ,” said Jordan, “and Jesus hates poor people who don’t have the drive to get out there and get a job.

“He also hates immigrants, the hungry, and people who aren’t white. Our government should reflect the teachings of Jesus, and Jesus supports an America with a strong military and no social safety nets.

“Our slogan is ‘God, Guns, and Guts.’ Leave all that empathy, reason and critical thought crap to the blasphemers!”

Senator and fantasy presidential candidate Ted Cruz of Texas, who was also on the show, told Hannity that he would do his best to completely wreck the U.S. Congress and fuck up as many government programs as he could before the birthday of his Lord and Savior.

“The dream of denying food and medical treatment to the poor must never die,” said Cruz. “You have to ask yourself ‘what would Jesus do?’ and I think it’s obvious to anyone who reads the New Testament that Jesus would tell poor women to go fuck themselves. Praise the Lord!”

Glenn Beck Reveals Ahmed Mohamed’s Co-Conspirator

bigfoot3

IRVING, TEXAS – (CT&P) – On his radio program yesterday, panic monkey, conspiracy theorist, and born-again Mormon cult member Glenn Beck announced that insiders from several previously unknown American intelligence agencies had revealed to him that they had finally determined the identity of “half bomb” maker Ahmed Mohamed’s partner in crime.

“I can now say with 100% certainty that I know the identity of Ahmed’s co-conspirator, and it’s Sasquatch, more commonly known as Bigfoot,” said Beck, as he posed in front of a nonsensical poster that featured a flow chart, a bell curve, and arrows pointing to the names of shadowy Jewish media figures, an artist’s rendering of Bigfoot at a Planned Parenthood meeting, and a long-range photo of members of the Illuminati attending a NASCAR race.

bigfoot5

Beck told his radio audience of over 3000 mentally deficient conspiracy theorists that this was the first time Bigfoot had surfaced since he teamed up with the Six Million Dollar Man in the late 70’s as part of a plot to discredit future President Ronald Reagan.

“You can bank on this information just like you did my predictions of worldwide disaster on September 13th earlier this month,” said Beck, as he adjusted his tin hat, “and we all know I was right about that.”

Beck claimed that after the hardened 14-year-old genius terrorist stood up to over 48 hours of grilling by the Irving Police department and the FBI, Beck’s friends in an unknown “but really important” U.S. intelligence unit whisked Ahmed off to a black site and used “enhanced interrogation techniques” on him.

Ahmed was supposedly subjected to reruns of Beck’s old programs on Fox News and tapes of campaign speeches by current mayor of Irving and ignorant slut Beth Van Duyne.

Ahmed is said to have coughed up the truth in less than two hours.

It seems that Bigfoot, after a meeting with the shadowy hierarchy in charge of removing the brains from flailing newborns at Planned Parenthood abortion factories, was supposed to meet Ahmed at an Irving Arby’s and provide the deadly explosives that would turn his “clock” into a 30 megaton nuclear device.

However, Bigfoot was unavoidably detained by a traffic jam outside a Bernie Sanders campaign appearance in Austin and missed the clandestine meeting, forcing Ahmed to go with the “innocent clock” story. The rest is history.

“Ahmed represents the tip of the iceberg of the Muslim threat we face in this country,” said Beck, as he fiddled with his super secret ballpoint pen camera. “There are training camps all over Mexico where ISIS recruits are conspiring with descendant of the Knights Templar and secret societies that send messages on one dollar bills. I tell you we are all fucking doomed!

‘In the meantime I would appreciate it if you would continue to send me money and support my various hare-brained theories so I can single-handedly save the world from people who don’t love Jesus. Thank you and good luck.”

 

Irving, Texas Bans Digital Clocks

Digital-clock-alarm

DALLAS – (CT&P) – Dimwit, religious kook, and Irving, Texas Mayor Beth Van Duyne announced at a press conference this morning that all digital clocks currently in use within the city limits of the Dallas suburb will be seized by police if not turned in by 8:00 A.M. Central Time on Monday.

The ban was put into effect by executive order at 9:00 A.M. this morning.

“All digital clocks currently in use by businesses, churches, whorehouses, Christian militias, and the general public should be handed in over the weekend to police stationed at  collection points we’ve set up around the city,” said Van Bruyne, as saliva dribbled from the side of her mouth.

ahmedclock

Moronic schoolteachers and police mistook Ahmed’s clock for a Russian suitcase nuke smuggled into Irving by starving Central American toddlers during the last wave of illegal immigration, which nearly brought the entire nation to its knees.

“These clocks represent a ‘clear and present danger’ to our safety as Americans who love Jesus. We regret that this action is necessary, but it has become apparent to us that it is impossible for schoolteachers and police to tell the difference between a hydrogen bomb and an innocent digital clock used to tell time or wake your sorry ass up after a late night on the town in Dallas.”

Mayor Van Duyne’s action was deemed necessary after a brilliant young student, Ahmed Mohamed, brought a homemade clock to school which teachers and police mistook for a 30 megaton nuclear device.

Ahmed was subsequently handcuffed and dragged away by Irving’s version of jack-booted Nazi thugs, and received a three-day suspension from school for exhibiting “creativity, critical thought, and an intellect unbecoming to the Christian religion.”

irvingmayor

Van Duyne, an ex-cheerleader and religious zealot who suffers from several severe mental disorders, has dedicated her life to eradicating anyone who does not love Jesus. She’s been called “an unstable and dangerous ignorant slut” by the Dallas Morning News editorial board.

“We just can’t afford to take chances with these Mooslims and our electronic devices,” said Van Duyne, as she clicked a couple of ball bearings together in her right hand. “Digital clocks are mysterious gadgets and no one in Texas has ever really understood how they work. You never know when one might vaporize a city, and I’m just not willing to take a chance like that with the lives our white Christian citizens.”

Rupert McTurd, president of the Partially Sane Residents of Dallas County Civil Rights Protection League, told CNN that the ban was the result of Van Duyne’s lifelong battle with paranoid schizophrenia.

“This is the same woman that’s terrified that sharia law is going to instituted in a 95% white Christian community,” said McTurd. “She’s been out of her fucking mind for quite some time now, and the only reason she got elected in the first place is because she looks like a used up ex-cheerleader from Muleshoe, and she has roughly the same IQ.”

PSRDCCR and other civil rights groups have already filed lawsuits in federal court today to overturn the ban and have Van Duyne committed to a psychiatric facility in Radiation Flats just south of Lubbock.

 

 

 

European Union Threatens Sanctions After Watching Last Night’s Debate

 

Republican presidential candidates, from left, former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, former New York Gov. George Pataki, Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla., Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson, businessman Donald Trump, former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, businesswoman Carly Fiorina, Ohio Gov. John Kasich, and New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie take the stage during the CNN Republican presidential debate at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum on Wednesday, Sept. 16, 2015, in Simi Valley, Calif. (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – The European Commission, the executive branch of the European Union, met in emergency session in Brussels this morning to discuss possible sanctions against the United States if it looks like a Republican might win the White House in 2016.

President Jean-Claude Juncker explained to journalists after the meeting that member nations were alarmed by what they saw on CNN.

“We all saw clips of the first debate on Fox News, and after a brief meeting we decided that is was just more of that organization’s propaganda,” said Juncker. “But after last night, it seems that the GOP is seriously proposing that one of these clowns should be president of the United States.

George-Bush-phone-e1336481685688-450x309

President Juncker declined to say what form the sanctions might take, but stressed that Europe would “do everything in its power” to prevent another dimwit from taking office.

“I was on the phone all morning long with panicked leaders from all over Europe, and I think I can speak for the entire continent when I say that we don’t want any of these fucked-up individuals to have the authority to launch nuclear weapons.

“Half of them are religious kooks and the other half don’t have the sense God gave a goat,” said Juncker, as he wiped sweat from his brow.

“We’d like to make it clear that this is not an indictment of the American people in general. We all have faith that the last thing Americans want is to put another hick in charge that will throw another land mass into chaos like Bush and that demon from hell Cheney did the Middle East. But we have to err on the side of caution and be ready to impose strict sanctions in the unlikely event that America loses its collective mind and tries to elect one of these idiots.”

President Juncker did not specify what form the sanctions might take, saying that the specifics were yet to be determined. However, he did say that European leaders would be “pulling out all the stops” to prevent the world from being subjected to another moron in the White House.

 

Sarah Palin Declared Legally Dead

sarah-palin-1

BALTIMORE – (CT&P) – A team of distinguished physicians and Ph.D’s from Johns Hopkins who examined Sarah Palin during a recent trip to Baltimore has declared her legally dead.

While at Hopkins, Palin was subjected to a wide variety of tests including functional MRI, PET, EEG, and CAT scans, as well as a whole battery of other tests on her body and brain.

The leader of the team, Dr. Jay Baraban, a professor specializing in MicroRNA regulation of synaptic function, told CNN that the scientists found almost no electrical activity within Palin’s skull, indicating that Palin is basically a zombie.

“What we found was truly amazing,” said Baraban. “Ms Palin is basically a walking turnip. I’m amazed she has the ability to wipe her own ass.”

The team also found that Palin had little or no blood flow through her brain.

“The fMRI scan revealed that Palin’s brain is basically a fetid swamp,” said Dr. Jeremiah Cohen, an Assistant Professor of Neuroscience specializing in neural circuits for reward, mood, and decision-making. “I really don’t see how the woman can function at all. It’s no surprise to me that the bitch never makes any sense.”

The team’s findings are not legally binding, so no one should get their hopes up that Palin can be detained and placed in a facility where she can be studied for the freak of nature that she is. However, the proper authorities have been notified of her condition so she can be monitored until all her systems shut down or someone drives a spike through her head.

Glenn Beck’s Sanity Reaches “Tipping Point”

GlennBeckCrying

LOS ANGELES -(CT&P) – A team of psychiatrists, psychologists, and graduate level researchers from UCLA tasked with keeping tabs on right-wing nut jobs has released a statement saying that they believe talk show host Glenn Beck has reached the point where he could snap and break with reality at any moment.

Beck, a historical revisionist, conspiracy theorist, and all around delusional fuckwit, runs his own media company, and has long been a magnet for weak-minded members of society.

Dr. John Bigboote, who leads the team at UCLA, told CNN that the mere fact that Beck has so many followers in the United States is alarming and does not bode well for the future of the country.

glennbeck3

Beck has long been haunted by the idea that a space alien or Satanic demon has taken over his soul and is directing his actions. He has to constantly remind himself that he is indeed a human being.

“Beck is one crazy fuck,” said Bigboote. “He thinks the world is run by a combination of the Illuminati and some unnamed dark force that lurks just beyond the asteroid belt. He has a massive messiah complex, and when you combine that with his multiple conspiracy theories and fucked up interpretation of history, well, it makes for a volatile mixture.”

Dr. John Yaya and Professor John Small Berries, other members of the prestigious research team, agree.

“Beck spent an entire hour of his radio program interviewing Jonathan Cahn, a huckster of the highest order, about his “Mystery of the Shemitah” theory, which postulates that some massive calamity — possibly an economic meltdown, possibly a terrorist attack, possibly a natural disaster — is going to strike the United States on September 13,” said Dr. Yaya. “This kind of crap is better suited for some kind of steam punk comic book than serious television. It shows just how close Beck is to losing it.”

glenn-beck-tin-foil-hat-thumb-300x300

Beck, considered by most reasonable people to be a raving lunatic, became too unstable even for Fox News.

“That’s right,” said Professor Small Berries. “Beck thinks that America has reached some kind of ‘tipping point’ that will push us over into certain doom. The term is taking the dim-witted, weak minded evangelical crowd by storm. You can’t swing a cat without hitting the term ‘tipping point’ on the internet. These people truly believe that civil rights for all, marriage equality, and progressive ideas such as health care for the poor are going to lead to our destruction. They’re truly delusional.”

The UCLA team is set to publish their findings in next month’s edition of Psychology Today.

“Hopefully people will listen to us this time,” said Bigboote. “We accurately forecast Urban Meyer’s break with reality but University of Florida officials ignored our warnings, and look what happened; the Gators are having trouble defeating high school caliber opponents.

“Our sincere hope is that Beck can be institutionalized and get the help he needs so badly before something horrible happens to him or his loved ones. The sooner we get this fucking lunatic off the air the better.”

Carson Warns Jail Could Turn Davis Gay

Image: 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)

WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Last night Republican presidential candidate and religious kook Dr. Ben Carson warned that excessive jail time could turn Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis gay.

Appearing on the Sean Hannity Show on Fox News, Carson said that Davis faced a big decision: she could either stop having sex for the duration of her sentence, or join the “dark side”and “go queer.”

The unhinged ex-neurosurgeon said that Davis’ voracious appetite for sex would very likely be her downfall.

“I’m sympathetic to her plight,” said Carson. “We all have sexual urges that we just can’t control, God knows I do. Jail time can be stressful and quite often people jump on whatever’s available when they’re incarcerated. It’s an effective stress reliever. Problem is, it sometimes it leads to lifelong homosexuality and eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

“I don’t think that Ms Davis’ habit of fucking anything that moves is suddenly going to go away simply because she’s in jail. She more than likely will come out the other end a self-described homo.”

Carson, who despite being an insane fuckwit who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old, is second in the Republican race for the presidential nomination.

 

 

God Punishes Kim Davis For Being A Rebellious Bitch

monty-python-god

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on CNN this afternoon, God told Wolf Blitzer that he had decided to send Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis to jail for a while to “get her mind right.”

Davis, the Kentucky clerk who has defied the Supreme Court and steadfastly refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was led away in handcuffs after a hearing before Judge David L. Bunning of Federal District Court. The contempt finding was another legal defeat for Ms. Davis, who argues that she should not be forced to issue licenses that conflict with her religious beliefs.

“The court cannot condone the willful disobedience of its lawfully issued order,” said Judge Bunning, who was appointed by President George W. Bush. “If you give people the opportunity to choose which orders they follow, that’s what potentially causes problems.”

God told Blitzer that he worked through Judge Bunning to deliver his punishment for Davis, who resembles a long-haired bovine one might see in the Highlands of Scotland.

womenprison

God told Blitzer that he plans on working through both guards and inmates in an attempt to get Davis’ “mind right” about obeying authority and gay marriage.

“As you know Wolf, despite being an all-powerful being, I prefer to work in mysterious ways so no one really knows whether I exist or not,” said God.”Most of the time I just choose the appropriate mammal on the scene and have them do my bidding. Today was Judge Bunning’s turn to do my dirty work.”

God explained that despite many opportunities to do the right thing, Davis insisted on acting like a stupid, bigoted, pompous ass bitch who had no respect for the rule of law.

“I clearly stated in Romans 13 that ‘Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.'”

“Now someone like Kim Davis, who claims to have such reverence for my word, should have known better than to defy authority like she did. She can just sit her fat ass in jail til she comes around to my way of thinking. Hopefully while she’s there she’ll get some of that hideous hair cut off her head. I mean Jesus!”

God did not specify how long Davis will be jailed, but he did say that he had plans to work through several female Rowan County inmates to educate Davis on the subject of same-sex relationships.

CNN Uses Affirmative Action To Include Fiorina In Debate

brideoffrankenstein2

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) –CNN is amending the criteria for its Republican presidential debate in September, opening the door for Carly Fiorina to join the other top-tier candidates on the stage.

The cause: a lack of national public polling following the August 6 debate has so far provided only three new polls to determine the lineup for the Reagan Presidential Debate, according to a  CNN statement. CNN also expressed the desire to place Fiorina on stage “because she is a woman and women deserve an equal chance to look stupid on national television, just like the men.”

republicandebate

It’s hoped that the second debate will force the cream to rise to the top of the crowded Republican field.

As a result, CNN reevaluated its criteria and decided to add a provision that better reflects the state of the race since the first Republican presidential debate in August, the network announced Tuesday.

Now, any candidate who ranks in the top 10 in polling between August 7 and September 10 will be included.

The adjustment may result in additional candidates joining the top-tier debate, but the final podium placements will not be known until the eligibility window closes on September 10.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, who was named after a rare urinary tract disorder, called a press conference and said the GOP was pleased with the decision.

brideoffrankenstein3

Although Fiorina has entertained running for veep on a Trump-Fiorina ticket, pundits hope that she will still give the cretinous bigot hell on stage.

“We are delighted that Carly will be given the opportunity to look like an idiot along with all the other clowns we have running in 2016,” said Priebus.

“Now we have a real businesswoman in the mix who knows how to fire thousands of people and wreck a tech company while at the same time negotiating a golden parachute for herself. She really knows how to exploit and deceive the weak, and that’s always a plus with a Republican candidate.

“I think she’ll make an excellent addition to our group of religious kooks, conspiracy theorists, doofuses, and power mad megalomaniacs that are currently leading the field.”

The debate will air in prime time on CNN on September 16th.