Category Archives: politics

Al Jazeera’s Fall Lineup Sure To Be A Big Hit With Arabs Who Are Still Allowed To Watch TV

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DOHA, QATAR – (CT&P) – Corporate executives from Al Jazeera announced their fall lineup of reality shows last week at a press conference overseen by a squad of imams and other experts on the fucked up system of archaic rules and regulations known as sharia law.

The lineup includes some innovative and progressive shows that make a bold departure from the usual programming of beheadings, immolations, and riots protesting the existence of Israel and the “Great Satan.”

“We think that our fall lineup will be a big hit with Arabs who live in areas that are not seething masses of perpetual  religious hatred,” said Ahib Skyhook, vice president of content for the network.

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Al Jazeera hopes to pump up its ratings by offering something new rather than the continuous rounds of torture and executions. “That’s so last year,” said Skyhook.

“In those countries that have not been decimated by civil war and sectarian violence, the shows will be a welcome respite from the constant feeling of impending doom caused by our adherence to a religion that makes about as much sense as Mormonism or Scientology.

“We look forward to excellent ratings in those territories where people are actually allowed to view television broadcast without fear of being stoned to death.”

Skyhook didn’t reveal the entire lineup, because he said that Muslims love surprises almost as much as they love car bombs. However, he did give us a glimpse of what to expect:

Real Housewives of the Gaza Strip-Follow the fun as Palestinian housewives try desperately to find enough food and water to sustain their families while dodging Israeli cluster munitions and horny Hamas soldiers bent on having good time.

Sex Slaves Gone Wild-Airhead female recruits from Europe give ISIS militants a taste of western culture.

Fully Clothed and Terrified-Each week a man and woman are dropped off in no man’s land along the Syrian border with Iraq and are asked to survive for three days while avoiding bloodthirsty militias, deadly scorpions, and Allied air attacks.

Stupid Kurd Tricks-Mayhem ensues when wild and crazy Kurds balance on speeding SUV’s and do somersaults on angry camels.

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Goat Dynasty will offer an intimate look inside the lives of ignorant Arab rednecks as they have sex with animals and preach the gospel of Muhammad.

Dead Sea Shore–Brain dead young people from the deep desert raise hell in expensive beach resorts.

Dancing with Death-Celebrity contestants perform live dance routines in minefields along the Golan Heights.

Pimp My Burqa-A spin-off of the wildly popular Pimp My Camel. Oppressed women get to spruce up their heavy black garments with sequins and extra-large eye holes.

The Good Harem–A bevy of gorgeous concubines deal with a life full of existential threats.

 19 Wives and Counting-A henpecked oil sheik tries to keep the peace in a 200 room palace.

Goat Dynasty–Illiterate shepherds try to sell milk and cheese on the street why extolling the virtues of jihad.

Syria’s Got Talent-Contestants compete in a variety of tasks including bomb-making, sniping, and sewing stylish suicide vests.

Deadliest Snatch-Militiamen take their chances with hookers in Tikrit who have been infected by the CIA.

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Pimp my Burqa is a spin-off of the popular Jordanian show Pimp My Camel.

So You Think You’re a Killer–Raw ISIS recruits prove their value by using bayonets on infants and gay people.

Survivor Mosul–Surrounded and out of supplies, terrorists must live by their wits as Iranian militiamen close in.

The Jihadi Bachelorette–A beautiful and bloodthirsty bitch chooses from a group of lice ridden Neanderthal throwbacks who haven’t washed in weeks.

The Apprentice Bomb Maker–A beginner tries to retain his hands while working with sweating sticks of TNT.

The Amazing Race For Your Fucking Life–Syrian refugees battle heat, dehydration, and Allied drones while trying to escape to Turkey.

Bad Concubine’s Club-Misbehaving mistresses wreak havoc all over the desert.

These are just some of the exciting shows that Al Jazeera has on tap for the fall.

Skyhook told CNN that the network feels confident about their success, so long as no one sets off a nuke during Ramadan and ruins the fun for everyone.

Ann Coulter Vows To Feed At Least Twice In July

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LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – During an appearance on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher last night, conservative writer and ambulatory corpse Ann Coulter announced that on the advice of her physicians she would be consuming at least two meals during the month of July.

The announcement by Ms Coulter signals a radical departure from her normal diet, which consists of one feeding per month at most.

“My doctors told me that if I wanted to live and continue to spew the vile hatred that so many people on the right-wing have come to adore, I needed to up my calorie intake to at least that of a small child,” said Coulter.

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Ms Coulter appeared on Maher’s show to promote her new book, Why I Hate Poor People, and to show off photos from her upcoming spread in Playboy.

Ms Coulter’s long-time team of physicians, doctors Faustus, Mengele and Kevorkian from the international organization Doctors Without Morals, recommended the change during her check-up in early June.

“Eating is problematic for Ms Coulter for a variety of reasons,” said Dr. Anton Phibes, spokesman for the group.

“Ms Coulter must first envelope and suffocate her prey before she regurgitates a corrosive compound on the victim. Then she has to wait for up to 24 hours before the tissue breaks down and softens up enough for her to swallow the unrecognizable mass of protein. It’s a long process and she would much rather be spending her time making vicious attacks on the children of immigrants or poor people who don’t have health insurance.

“In the past Ms Coulter has come dangerously close to turning into some kind of mummified pupae of hatred. However, she’s assured us that she will make the recommended changes to her diet so she can continue to be the inhuman monster that so many conservatives worship.

Ms Coulter also told Maher that she was advised by her physicians that she should try to get laid every once in while because they felt it might help her improve her attitude and reduce the level of toxic bile residing in her dark soul.

 

F-35 Lands Without Bursting Into Flames

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HURLBURT FIELD – (CT&P) – Officials from Eglin Air Force Base announced today that an F-35 Lightning Joint Strike Fighter landed successfully yesterday without loss of life or destruction of the aircraft.

The F-35 had been participating in a joint operation with the Walton and Bay County sheriff’s departments called “Operation Buzzkill,” a program that provides constant patrols of area beaches to insure that visitors do not have too good a time during their visit to the Gulf Coast.

Rose pigs on Pacific ocean Guatemala beach near Monterico.

Bay County sheriff’s deputies constantly patrol the “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches” to make damn sure no one has too much fun

“Operation Buzzkill is a forward-looking program that is designed to crush the joy out any young people who think they can come down here and ruin our pristine beaches by smoking a joint, drinking a beer, or God forbid having premarital sex,” said Sheriff Frank “Lard Ass” McKetchup of Bay County.

“We conduct round the clock foot patrols with our few deputies that are not morbidly obese, and the rest of them cruise the strip looking for suspicious activities such as smiling or clowning around. The military takes up the slack with Blackhawk helicopters and jet aircraft armed with miniguns and Hellfire missiles so we can stop trouble before it starts.”

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Beach arrests have plummeted since Operation Buzzkill went into effect mainly because everyone is too fucking scared to go out on the beach

“Buzzkill” has been hailed as a great success by both sheriff’s departments and beach arrests are at an all time low, possibly because everyone is now too terrified to walk outside.

USAF General Buck Turgidson explained that the F-35 in question was one of the first to be used in the program because it is one of the first to be able to fly more than a short distance without malfunctioning and plunging into the sea.

“The original patrol was scheduled for a full hour, but we had to cut the mission short because it was getting warm outside and as we all know F-35’s spontaneously combust when they get too hot,” said the general.

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General Turgidson told reporters that the successful landing was a watershed moment and marked the first time a F-35 mission was completed without massive loss of life.

“Besides, thunderstorms were forecast on the afternoon in question and electrical activity can cause the computer systems on board the plane to go haywire. When this happens pilots don’t have any idea where the fuck they’re going so they just have to punch out and hope the plane crashes into some inanimate object. So we thought it would be best to abort the mission and try to recover the aircraft and the pilot intact.

“I think the main thing to remember here is that we’ve finally managed to land one of these flying washing machines without losing the pilot or demolishing any nearby apartment buildings. I call this a win-win for the air force and the sheriff’s department!”

 

 

 

Wealthy Primate Escapes Central Park Zoo; Claims He’s Running For President

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donaldtrump

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – An oversized ape escaped Central Park Zoo on Tuesday and lumbered up Fifth Avenue to Trump Tower where he announced to a crowd of well-wishing Homo sapiens that he would be throwing his hair in the ring for the Republican nomination for president. He told the fawning humans that if “all of those other ignorant beasts” could run then he could too, and he was rich enough to make it happen.

The ape, nicknamed “Donnie” by his caretakers at the zoo, promised the crowd that he would stop the flow of “subhuman Mexicans” crossing the border by building a huge wall around the United States that would keep out anyone who was not rich and white.

He also stated that he would be the “greatest jobs simian that God has ever created” and had a secret plan to defeat ISIS about which he was extremely cryptic except for a bizarre reference to a new chain of casinos and hotels located around the Persian Gulf.

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After “Donnie’s” announcement he went outside and climbed to the top of Trump Tower and fought off biplanes sent by the Mexican Air Force to kill the bigoted and offensive beast.

“Donnie” then went on an incoherent diatribe which made very little sense to any of the paid witnesses to the event, but was praised as one of the “great orations of our time” by the functional illiterates on Fox News and on many right-wing hate radio stations across the country.

Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who became visibly aroused when he heard about the announcement, invited “Donnie” on his show last night and fawned over the candidate for a full hour, asking him softball questions and rewarding him with bananas and other fruits when “Donnie” answered with the correct right-wing gibberish.

Hannity later told aides that he had not been this excited about a guest since he almost had his first man-on-man sexual experience with Cliven Bundy a few months ago.

Most pundits give “Donnie” a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the nomination because he is after all a “damn dirty ape.” However, a few brave souls say it is possible because the GOP field is made up of such a strange assortment of species that it might be inevitable that a subhuman wins.

 

 

 

 

Taliban Accuses ISIS Of Recruiting Violations

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Lawrence+Damascus

KABUL – (CT&P) – On Tuesday Afghan Taliban A&M warned ISIS recruiters to stay out of Afghanistan in a rare open letter to the NCAA and Islamic State University Athletic Department officials. The letter accused Islamic State of a variety of recruiting violations that included cash bribes, promises of gifts such as up-armored Cadillac Esplanades, rocket-propelled grenades, and guarantees of sex with dozens of young virgins if Afghan athletes would sign athletic scholarships with Islamic State University.

The Islamic Emirate — the Taliban’s name for Afghanistan — only allows the struggle “against foreign invaders to be under the leadership of Taliban A&M,” read the letter signed by the group’s athletic director and coordinator of infidel beheadings, Akhtar Mohammad Mansour. The letter was shared with NBC News and posted on the college’s Facebook page.

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Among other violations, ISIS recruiters are suspected of blowing up a Taliban University team train carrying players to an ethnic cleansing event at Helmand College in the Southwestern Conference.

“Jihadi groups across the Muslim world are all competing for the vast pool of dirt poor, uneducated, goat fucking raw recruits to bolster our offensive lines and backfields. We all need swift and strong running backs who can strap on suicide vests and punch holes in the infidel defense so our masses of dim-witted religious freaks can pour through and get down to some serious atrocities and abominations perpetrated on helpless women and children.

“Every university has their own sphere of influence and geographical area where they recruit. They each have their own organizational structure,” continued the letter, which was addressed to Islamic State Presidant Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi. “If your meddling in their affairs creates division, it will cause in bloodshed within these organizations.”

The lengthy statement was issued amid reports of deepening divisions within the Afghan Taliban Conference, with some university presidents supporting peace talks with Islamic State and others vowing to continue fighting until a clear regional champion was crowned.

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Islamic State Head Coach T. E. Lawrence points out weaknesses in the Taliban defensive line during a match played in the Tribal Regions in 2013.

In January, ISIS’ media arm declared Afghanistan and neighboring Pakistan to be one region called the Khorasan Conference, prompting some athletes to pledge allegiance to the group.

According to the government of the eastern Nangahar Conference, around 100 families have been displaced by fighting among university recruiters in the last three weeks. About 150 running backs and wide receivers have been killed during that time, a spokesman for the NCAA told NBC News.

At this time the controversy shows no signs of letting up, and NCAA President Mark Emmert told NBC that “Until we come up with some sort of agreement with all the universities in the region regarding recruiting rules and regulations there is just no way to stop the bloodshed between universities. It’s going to be next to impossible to unite all these bloodthirsty religious assholes into a single, unified mass of seething hatred unless we get all this ironed out and come up with some sort of playoff system.”

CBS To Premiere “The Briefcase Nuke” In Fall

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atomicbomb

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – CBS has announced that its newest reality show, The Briefcase Nuke, will air sometime this fall. The show will feature two desperate Muslim families facing prejudice and intolerance in a major American city.

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Each Muslim family will be given a Soviet surplus briefcase nuke with an average yield of six to ten kilotons

In each episode, the families are each given a briefcase containing a Soviet army surplus RA-115 thermonuclear device with an approximate yield of 6-10 kilotons.

The families must decide whether to detonate the bomb themselves or forego Paradise and eternal glory in the Arab world by giving it to the other family so they can get all the credit.

Over the course of 72 hours, each family learns about the other and makes the decision, without knowing that the other family has been given a briefcase as well, with the same instructions.

Reception to The Briefcase Nuke has been largely negative because few Americans look forward to the prospect of being vaporized or undergoing a slow and horrible death after being exposed to ionizing radiation.

 

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Updates with approximate body counts will be broadcast over the CBS Evening News for weeks after each detonation

Ken Tucker, Yahoo TV’s critic-at-large, described the series as “cynical, and repulsive” for “passing off its exploitation…as uplifting, inspirational TV.” Jason Miller of Time.com called it “the worst fucking reality show ever.”

Others have compared it to the failed Spanish television series The Inquisition, where two Spanish families raced to blame the other for perceived transgressions against the Roman Catholic Church. The show was canceled after two episodes and nine horrific deaths at the hands of church officials.

CBS executives have said that the show will air on Sunday nights in the time slot just after AMC’s The Walking Dead, with exclusive updates from devastated cities airing each night on the CBS Evening News.

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott To Be Released Into The Everglades

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TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott will be released into Everglades National Park at the end of his second term, according to sources close to the administration.

Aides to Governor Scott said that the decision has nothing to do with the disappearance of three immigrant children while touring the governor’s mansion late last month.

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Governor Scott’s appearance has led many to believe that he is actually the Aztec snake god Quetzacoatl cleverly disguised as an unfeeling short-sighted Republican politician.

“This has absolutely nothing to do with the rumors concerning the governor’s feeding habits or the ugly stories about human sacrifice,” said Sally Chicomecoatl, an aide to Governor Scott and part-time serpent goddess of maize, nourishment, and fertility.

“We just want the governor to be happy in his retirement, and being among his friends and relatives out in the fetid swamps of the Everglades seems like a good start,” said Chicomecoatl.

The rumors and “ugly stories” have been the subject of long-term investigations by journalists at several newspapers in  central Florida, as well as the BBC News program Ethel the Frog.

Vince Snetterton Lewis, an investigative reporter for the Orlando Sentinel, has written a series of pieces detailing the mysterious disappearances of illegal farm workers from north and central Florida. The disappearances seem to coincide with late-night ceremonies in the basement of the governor’s mansion and torchlit processions in the giant, heavily guarded jungle greenhouse located on the grounds.

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Aides to Governor Scott have repeatedly denied ugly rumors regarding the disappearance of several immigrant children who visited the governor’s mansion late last month.

“I’ve interviewed dozens of state employees,” said Lewis. “Most are simply too terrified to say anything about their work for the governor, but one, Stig O’Tracy, a former IRA bomb maker and intelligence operative who was hired to sweep the mansion for electronic listening devices, gave me some insight into the goings-on within the mansion, or the ‘House of 1000 Corpses,’ as he calls it.”

“O’Tracy told me that Governor Scott routinely rips open the chest cavities of illegal Central American farm workers and their children so he can present their still-beating hearts to the Aztec sun god Tonatuih, in hopes that he will continue to rise every morning, thus insuring a healthy tourist trade for the state. According to O’Tracy, a side benefit of this activity is that a happy Tonatuih produces a high number of malignant melanomas so Scott’s hospital chain can fleece the unwary with natural ‘cures’ made out of jaguar livers and tapir scrotums.”

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Governor Scott’s feeding habits have been the subject of several investigations over the years.

So far Lewis and his counterparts in the press have been unable to confirm O’Tracy’s stories because so many of the governor’s former employees end up in the median of Alligator Alley or floating face-down in the Gulf. However, they continue to pursue the story as hundreds of illegal workers continue to disappear every year from Florida’s “Killing Fields.”

“We want to try to nail this freak before he escapes to the swamps of the Everglades at the end of the term,” said Lewis. “Once he gets out there we’ll never find him.”

In a statement issued by the firm of Huehuecotyl, Tlaloc, and Totec, the governor’s lawyer Frank Huehuecotyl stated that the governor would “fight tooth and nail” to refute the unsubstantiated claims, and would “smother them like a python would a baby rabbit.”

Mr. Huehuecotyl is a graduate of the Universidad Anahuac law school in Mexico City and spends his weekends fulfilling his obligations as the Aztec god of trickery and deceit.

 

 

Franklin Graham Encourages Christians To Be More Like Jesus And Hate Gay People

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CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA – (CT&P) – During a press conference earlier this week, wacko religious kook the Right Reverend Franklin Graham (R-Loonesville) had a novel idea: “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”

Among other things, Graham is incensed that Wells Fargo Bank is running an ad which includes the story of a lesbian couple learning sign language before adopting a child who is deaf.

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Graham warned that if the Supreme Court makes gay marriage the law of the land, the Ape Coalition would push for equal rights and “God would damn us all to HELL!”

Incensed by this blatant display of love and compassion, Graham announced that the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association To Promote the Financial Health and Narcissism of Franklin Graham and Jesus Our Lord will no longer be doing business with the bank.

“The Prince of Peace and Lord of Light would vomit if he were here to see this kind of tenderness, warmth, and charity being shown by these people,” said Graham. “It’s disgusting!”

Graham went on to rave that “good” Christians should boycott Starbucks, Tiffany’s, Nike, Target, Ford, Levi’s, Amazon, Home Depot, Expedia, Microsoft, Pepsi, Proctor and Gamble, Gap, Oreo, Macy’s, Old Navy, Banana Republic, General Mills, J.C. Penney, Walgreen’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Google, eBay, Orbitz, Jet Blue, Mastercard, Johnson and Johnson, Goldman Sachs, UBS, Marriott, Cisco, the liberal media, the Democrat Party, the Catholic Church, the Episcopal Church, the Mormon Church, the Methodist Church, Unitarians, Zionists, all state and federal government offices and employees, every country in continental Europe, anyone who exhibits higher brain function, liberals, and Whataburger.

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After pleading with his followers to boycott almost every fucking business on the planet, Graham begged believers to read their Bibles, where one can find justification for almost any abomination man has ever committed.

“These are all evil institutions who do the work of Satan and must be driven into the fiery pit of Hell,” screamed Graham, as tears and mucous ran down his face. “This outpouring of compassion and love for people who do not share our weird, repressed sexuality marks the end of Christian civilization as we know it!

“Anyone with any sense knows that God hates fags and Jesus wouldn’t have been caught dead with anyone who showed love and compassion for his fellow-man! I’m calling on anyone who has a few spare dollars to contribute to my tax-free ministry so I can more effectively fight these evil institutions. You can send us a check or use the handy ‘Contribute to Jesus’ button on our website. Please give generously or you may find yourself in the Lake of fucking Fire one day!”

So far the response to the unbalanced Graham’s absurd boycott has been lukewarm.

“If we boycott all these businesses we’ll be living in a fucking mud hut somewhere,” said R.W. Scrotum, a Christian from Falls Church, Virginia.

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After the press conference Graham retired to his study where he prayed that every gay man on earth be cast into the Lake of Fire so he wouldn’t be tempted anymore.

“The dude must have had some sort of stroke or something,” said Ethyl Chloride, a Christian from Birmingham, Alabama. “I’ll pray for the bastard. Maybe that will help,” she chuckled.

Corporate reaction to the threatened boycott has been roughly the same as that from Franklin’s far-flung band of unstable followers.

“Like many who are rabidly against gay marriage and equal rights for all our citizens, Franklin Graham has struggled with his sexuality for many years,” said Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf.

“I think Mr. Graham needs to pick up a paper or watch some channel other than Fox News every once in a while. He might be able to pick up on the fact that we’re no longer in the Middle Ages. As far as I’m concerned he can take his boycott and shove it up his ass. It makes no difference to us.”

 

 

Progressive Texas Politicians Vote To Give Black Folks Their Very Own Community Swimming Pools

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pond1

AUSTIN – (CT&P) – In a move sure to draw fire from the libertarian wing of the Republican Party, a group of Texas state representatives has voted to provide black people with their very own community swimming pools. The group, who call themselves “Compassionate Cretins,” are backed by support from Senator and presidential pretender Ted Cruz  and U.S. House Representative and accomplished idiot Louie Gohmert, both from the once sane state of Texas.

The bill, dubbed the “Equal Swimming Rights for Black Folks Bill of 2015,” would provide “separate but equal” swimming pools for Texas’ approximately 3 1/2 million black residents.

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Proponents of the controversial bill emphasize that the swimming pools reserved for use by black folks will be top quality and will be provided with shady areas where visitors can relax and cool off.

“We just want to relieve tensions between the races and provide safe swimming areas for our minorities here in Texas,” said Billy Bob McSnoot from Steaming Turd Springs. “Besides, the Bible says we ought not be mixing different races while submerged in various liquids, and I think everyone can agree the water is a liquid most of the time.”

U.S. House Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX), a strong supporter of the bill, told CNN that the program would be “a real money saver” because there would be fewer calls to 911 by bigoted assholes concerned that black kids were polluting their pristine community swimming pools.

“Everyone knows that most black people are socialist Muslims, just like our president,” said Gohmert, “they spread disease and steal things. It costs us a fortune to send cops out to kill them all the time, so we figured if we isolated them in their own special swimming areas, we could save a ton of money and heartache.”

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Senator Cruz said he looked forward to the day when secular humanists and other subhumans would have their very own special places to go enjoy outdoor activities.

“Plus, it’ll give our police officers more time to do what they’re really good at: murdering homeowner’s dogs,” concluded Gohmert.

Wacked out religious kook Ted Cruz agreed, saying “I have no doubt that this bill will grow jobs in and around Texas. If we can make this work, I think the novel idea of ‘separate but equal’ swimming pools will sweep across the Bible Belt. I envision a whole series of different swimming areas reserved specifically for the use of liberals, atheists, Muslims, and other unsaved trash around the southeast. We could call it the ‘Casebolt-Slager Swimming Trail.'”

The bill has received enthusiastic grassroots support from the Texas chapter of the Tea Party and several other medieval political associations. The bill is expected to pass easily through the Republican dominated Texas state house and be signed by Texas’ paranoid conspiracy theorist governor Greg Abbott sometime next week.

 

‘Extinct’ Species Spotted At Dallas Pool Party

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poolparty1

The gigantic beast roamed through the crowd of teenagers unmolested as arriving cops concentrated instead on violating the black kids’ civil rights, as is their habit.

 

DALLAS – (CT&P) – A call to police about a giant creature lumbering through a party at a community pool thrust the affluent suburb of McKinney into the national spotlight on race, police relations, and paleobiology on Sunday.

Police Cpl. Eric Casebolt was placed on administrative leave after a video surfaced showing him pulling a 15-year-old girl to the ground and pinning her down outside a pool party Friday night in the expansive Craig Ranch subdivision. Seconds later, he pulled his gun and pointed it at two teens who appear to try to come to her aid.

The profanity-laced seven-minute video, posted to YouTube on Saturday, had been viewed more than 4 million times by Monday. It shows white police officers trying to control black teens who had scattered as officers arrived in the neighborhood.

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The horrifying creature was even allowed to start a mating ritual with one teenager by rubbing his scrotum against the back of her head.

Cops were originally called to the area when neighborhood watch members saw what they described as “a lumbering behemoth” moving among teens attending a Sunday afternoon party.

“The kids were terrified,” said Ralph Numbnuts, resident and community leader of Flat Earth Estates, where the incident took place. “We considered breaking out our RPG’s, flamethrowers, and automatic weapons, but we decided to leave it to the cops because we thought they might be able to stun the beast and take it alive. So we used our public address system to warn folks that the police were on their way so that everyone could put up their dogs and keep them out of danger.

“But to our amazement when the swine arrived on the scene they virtually ignored the enormous monster and instead went after every black kid in sight. It was like showing red to an angry bull!”

Numbnuts told reporters later that he had read a study on the internet that something in cops’ DNA caused them to lose all higher brain function when confronted with dogs or black people, and became murderous automatons incapable of human emotion.

“But I thought it was all bullshit,” said Numbnuts. “Now I know better.”

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The Megatherium was thought to go extinct at the end of the Pleistocene, and unconfirmed reports of gigantic fat-ass creatures lumbering through Walmart and Dollar Stores around the country have up until now thought to be baseless rumors.

Eventually over ten police units were called to the scene in an attempt to violate the civil rights of every black teenager in the area, but even with that many cops around, the colossus was able to escape and his whereabouts are unknown.

Paleontologists have been able to identify the huge creature as a Megatherium, or giant ground sloth.

“It was a giant, fat-ass sloth the size of a fucking elephant that was thought to go extinct at the end of the Pleistocene,” said David Grimaldi of Cornell. “It’s flat-out amazing that one is now wandering around the suburbs of a major city. I just can’t believe it.”

McKinney Mayor Brian Loughmiller said that he expects city staff and police officials to quickly conduct an investigation into the officer’s actions.

“I am disturbed and concerned by the incident and actions depicted in the video,” Loughmiller said in a written statement. “Our expectation as a City Council is that our police department and other departments will act professionally and with appropriate restraint relative to the situation they are faced with. For these idiots to completely ignore a gigantic fat-ass monster and instead go after young people in bathing suits is really deplorable.”

McKinney Police Chief Greg Conley, who declined to say what specific behavior in the video led to the investigation, said Sunday that several officers were immediately placed on leave.