Category Archives: politics

ISIS Refuses To Serve Water To Customers; Cites Religious Freedom Restoration Act

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

tigris_river_30052010

BAGHDAD – (CT&P) – Islamic State militants have curtailed the amount of water flowing to government-held areas in Iraq’s western Anbar province, an official said Thursday, the latest in the vicious war as Iraqi forces struggle to claw back ground held by the extremists in the Sunni heartland.

It’s not the first time that water has been used as a weapon of war in Mideast conflicts and in Iraq in particular. Earlier this year, the Islamic State group reduced the flow through another lock outside the militant-held town of Fallujah, also in Anbar province. But the extremists soon reopened it after criticism from the media and threats of boycotts on the Islamic State from more progressive terrorists and business leaders in surrounding provinces.

The reduced flow of water through the militant-held dam on the Euphrates River will threaten irrigation systems and water treatment plants in nearby areas controlled by troops and tribes opposed to the extremist group, provincial council member Taha Abdul-Ghani told the Associated Press.

isisleader

Butthollah told reporters that it didn’t matter if it was water, pizza, or a fucking wedding cake, none of his employees would be serving anything to anyone who did not agree with his crazy ass religious beliefs.

Abdul-Ghani said there would be no immediate effect on Shiite areas in central and southern Iraq, saying water is being diverted to those areas from the Tigris River.

The United Nations had said on Wednesday that it was looking into reports that ISIS had reduced the flow of water through the al-Warar dam.

ISIS CEO Abu Bakr al-Butthollah told reporters from Al Jazeera that the actions were perfectly justified under the Islamic State’s new “Religious Freedom Restoration Act, enacted last December.

“We got the idea from Indiana and other misguided, backwards-ass states located in the Great Satan,” said Butthollah. “We have to protect our employees’ deeply held religious beliefs. Our supreme court already upheld the law with its landmark decision in Unexploded Ordnance Lobby v Omar last month.

“There’s just no way that we’re going to force any of our employees to serve water to infidels with alternative lifestyles, and I think Allah would be proud of the stand we’re taking for bigoted assholes all over the globe.”

United Nations officials have reacted with dismay to the policy, as it has to the ridiculous attempts to make homosexuals second-class citizens within the U.S.

“The use of water as a tool of war is to be condemned in no uncertain terms,” the spokesman for the UN secretary-general, Stephane Dujarric, told reporters. “It is just a damn shame that these throwbacks from the Middle Ages still exist in state governments around America and in the Middle East as well. These kinds of reports are disturbing, to say the least.”

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

rickperry99

ADDISON, TEXAS – (CT&P) – Rick Perry announced his plans to run for president yesterday in an abandoned airplane hangar normally used to house illegal Mexican slave laborers. Mr. Perry used to the occasion to introduce his campaign theme song, “Kill ‘Em All and Let God Sort ‘Em Out,” a bizarre country western rap tune that Perry hopes will secure his gun-toting, Bible-thumping, knuckle-dragging base of poor white trash.

In his speech, Mr. Perry, 65, sought to separate himself from the Republican pack by casting himself as a leader who has done the work rather than a politician who talks about doing it, pointing to his executions of hundreds of minority prisoners and efforts to stop black folks and poor people from voting in elections.

rickperry77

It’s good to be a gangsta

He also emphasized that his 14-year tenure as governor of a state with one of the largest populations of lunatics and paranoid conspiracy theorists in the world gave him practical experience in appeasing oppressed masses of idiots without the sense God gave a goat.

“The question of every candidate will be this: When have you led?” Mr. Perry said. “Leadership is not a speech on the Senate floor. It’s not what you say. It’s what you have done. When have my opponents personally kicked-in the teeth of a starving Central American child trying to cross the border for food? When have they shut down Planned Parenthood clinics and forced poor women to travel hours to exercise their constitutional rights? When have they gone out and acted like a complete moron with Fox News personalities?

“I’m telling you right now we ain’t gonna find the kind of leadership needed to revitalize the country by looking to the political class in Washington. That leadership will come from a podunk town in one of the most backwards-ass states in the Union!”

rickperry44

Good to be a gangsta

But whether Mr. Perry has done enough to repair the damage from his failed run in 2012 and move out of the second tier of candidates remains unclear. Even in Texas, Mr. Perry has lost crucial support to some of his rivals.

Steve Munisteri, a former chairman of the Republican Party of Texas, has been heading Senator Rand Paul’s presidential campaign in Texas. Many of the grass-roots Tea Party lunatic fringe activists in Texas have flocked to unbalanced dingbat Ted Cruz, while some of those in the more mainstream Texas Republican establishment are supporting Mr. Bush, whose son, George P. Bush, is the state’s new land commissioner.

“Perry provides a robust record of abominable accomplishments that no one can rival,” said David M. Carney, a former political consultant to Mr. Perry and a top strategist for his 2012 campaign. “The question remains: Can he garner enough support from kooky right-wing simpletons to make his campaign viable…or has his time passed?”

Mr. Perry is scheduled to visit 29 gun shows around the state of Texas over the weekend before attending an illegal immigrant turkey shoot/fund-raiser down on the border on Monday. Only time will tell if he has a shot at the Republican nomination.

Robby The Robot To Run For Republican Nomination

Posted in humor, politics by

robbytherobot

ALTAIR IV – (CT&P) – Minutes after hearing that Rick Perry had jumped in the race for the Republican nomination for president in 2016, Robby the Robot announced he was joining the race as well. At a press conference this morning held outside Dr. Morbius’ home on the “Forbidden Planet,” Robby told reporters that he was joining the approximately three dozen other Republicans in the race for the White House.

robbytherobot4

Commander John Adams and his sometime girlfriend Altaira, both Democrats, were shocked and dismayed by Robby’s announcement. “He’s smarter than the rest of those idiots put together and stands a real chance of being elected,” said Adams.

“If that moron Rick Perry can run, then so can a fucking robot,” said Robby. “I possess about 100 times the computing power of Rick Perry’s brain, and have a far deeper grasp of the complicated problems that the earth faces in the 21st century.”

This marks the first time Robby has delved into politics. In the past he’s been content to do menial chores around the cosmic outpost and occasionally fight off “monsters from the Id.”

“My experience battling unseen forces of evil from the depths of the human subconscious makes me uniquely suited to defend America from foreign threats. I plan to set up force fields along the Mexican border that will instantly vaporize any Central American kids that want to invade and steal all of our minimum wage jobs,” said Robby.

robby64c

Robby is said to have discussed his political plans with his good friend from the other side of the aisle John Kerry

“Furthermore, I’m going to use my energy weapons to pulverize ISIS and turn Iran into a worthless pile of fused glass. After that, I’ll turn my attention to domestic issues and get on with the process of denying black people the vote and doing away with these silly attempts to provide poor people with affordable health care.

“I’m what America needs! A ruthlessly logical machine that is devoid of empathy and compassion. I hope you’ll consider voting for me. I’ll be available for questions when I arrive on earth in 2.5 light years. Thank you.”

Although Robby is little more than a right-wing pile of circuit breakers and transistors, Republican leaders have said that he stands as good a chance as any to seize the nomination.

“Considering our current lineup of fruitcakes, dunderheads, and religious kooks, anything could happen,” said RNC Chairman Reince “Beavis” Priebus.

 

Confused Man Searches For His Penis Inside Atlanta Airport

Posted in humor, politics by

cooley

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – A disoriented 50-year-old man wearing an AR-15 rifle around his neck entered Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport today and wandered around aimlessly looking in rubbish bins and behind newspaper stands, according to reports from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

When approached by airport security personnel he reportedly said that he was “searching for his penis.”

smalldick2

Before moving to Atlanta Mr. Cooley was the winner of the Chicagoland Small Penis Competition for three years running

The man, Jim Cooley, lives with his wife and daughter in an abandoned hunting shack located in a wooded area north of Atlanta. He regularly shows up in parks and public buildings around the city and asks passers-by if they have seen his penis and testicles.

Although originally from Chicago, Illinois, Cooley came down south in attempt to get away from people who ridiculed his paranoid fantasies about the federal government coming to take away his guns and sexual organs. Cooley is said to have settled in Georgia because of its borderline-insane firearms laws.

While many passengers were terrified at the gun-carrying man walking freely around the airport, Cooley was breaking no law because the State of Georgia actively encourages mentally unstable residents to arm themselves to the teeth and wander around aimlessly.

shack2

Mr. Cooley lives with his wife Ethyl and their daughter Chloride in an abandoned hunting shack adjacent to a toxic waste dump

“He wasn’t hurting anyone and did not act threatening,” said Edward Dimbulb, a security guard at the airport. “We all kind of felt sorry for the old bastard. I mean it’s a hell of thing to have a dick so small that you can’t find it.”

Sergeant Robert Dogkiller of the Atlanta Police Department told the Journal-Constitution that although it was perfectly fine that Cooley was in the busiest airport in the fucking world with a loaded assault rifle, the APD had to remove Cooley when he stuck his hand down his pants and began weeping in front of a group of schoolchildren in route to North Korea to study civics.

“We southerners don’t want our kids exposed to anything that might lead them to believe that touching their own sexual organs is OK,” said Dogkiller. “If they need to examine something they can examine their Bibles.”

Cooley was removed without incident from the airport and transported to the edge of the woods where he lives. His dark red ’75 pickup was impounded but will be returned to him as soon as he coughs up the $5000 fine for parking in a handicapped zone.

 

 

Pentagon Unloads Old Anthrax Stocks On Unsuspecting Labs

Posted in humor, politics, science by

anthraxcaw

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) -The L.A. Times is reporting that an Army bio-defense facility in Utah may have mistakenly sent live anthrax samples to 51 commercial companies, academic institutions and federal labs without proper safeguards, more than double the total disclosed last week.

The magnitude of the “foul up” came to light during an investigation led by General Buck Turgidson USAF (Ret).

General Turgidson said Wednesday that the facilities are scattered across 17 states and the District of Columbia, as well as in Canada, Australia and Korea, suggesting a systemic lapse in the military’s little-known program to study defenses against biological weapons agents, including anthrax.

?????????????

General Turgidson spoke with reporters over the phone from his office at the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Silver Springs, Maryland

The anthrax shipments originated at the Army’s Dugway Proving Ground, a sprawling facility southwest of Salt Lake City where scientists focus on trying to defend the nation from potential biological weapons agents, including anthrax.

“This was apparently part of an exercise called Operation Dropkick,” said Turgidson when interviewed over the phone from his office at the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Silver Springs, Maryland.

“It appears that General Jack D. Ripper, the commander in charge over at Dugway, ordered the samples sent out as way to test our readiness in the event of a terrorist attack,” said Turgidson.

Ripper is the former commander of Burpelson Air Force Base in Nevada, but was transferred to Dugway after he sent an entire wing of B-1 bombers to attack Iran after attending a wild hog hunt and barbecue with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas.

“I hate to judge before all the facts are in,” said Turgidson, “but it looks like General Ripper has exceeded his authority.”

?????????????

General Ripper was demoted and transferred to Dugway after he attempted to vaporize Iran on orders from Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas

Meanwhile, officials from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta are scrambling to recover the samples and treat anyone who may have been exposed.

The Pentagon and CDC will brief reporters Wednesday afternoon on the investigation into how and why the potentially deadly organisms were repeatedly shipped without appropriate safeguards, and whether safety systems are adequate at the labs.

“The CDC is concerned with understanding just what the fuck happened here and to make sure affected labs have everything they need to protect their workers,” said Jason McDonald, a CDC spokesman.

General Ripper has been placed under guard and will be transported to an undisclosed location where he is scheduled to be interviewed using “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

He released a brief statement before he was detained by members of the 101st Airborne Division:

“I can no longer sit back and allow Muslim infiltration, Muslim indoctrination, Muslim subversion, and the international Muslim conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

NSA code breakers are currently trying to figure out the meaning of Ripper’s statement.

 

 

 

Cool New Airbag Fires Shrapnel Directly Into Your Fucking Face

Posted in humor, politics by

Car Wreck

 

MINATO, JAPAN – (CT&P) – At a press conference today in Tokyo, international airbag manufacturer Takata announced the roll out of its latest airbag, the Facial Blossom Mark II. The bag is intended to replace an earlier model, the Immolator, which was designed to spray napalm into passenger compartments and ignite, engulfing entire American families in flames.

shrapnel3

Ogawa III is the grandson of Ensign Kiyoshi Ogawa, who crashed his plane into the USS Bunker Hill during World War II, killing 600 of her crew.

“We were having real trouble with the Immolator malfunctioning and going off when no one was even in the vehicle,” said Kiyoshi Ogawa III, head of research and development for Takata. “This new design is more dependable and works like a traditional airbag, with the exception that it permanently disfigures anyone riding in the vehicle.”

“In the event of a wreck or fender bender, the air bag instantly inflates to cushion the driver and passengers from impact. Then, a fraction of a second later the mechanism fires rusty screws and bolts directly into the faces of the driver and his or her passengers. It’s a real marvel of modern engineering.”

When asked why he apparently wanted to murder or maim Americans going about their daily routines, Ogawa replied that he was “fed up” with American exceptionalism and the United States’ cozy relationship with the subhuman Chinese that were threatening to take over the entire South China Sea.

 

shrapnel

Takata issued a press release advising any Americans who had purchased a new vehicle in the last five years wear special anti-shrapnel helmets until the recall could be completed.

“The Divine Wind will sweep across America and its citizens will know once and for all that our beloved Emperor is truly a god,” said Ogawa, as he wrapped a weird bandana around his head and slammed a glass of sake.

Though none of the new airbags have yet been installed, automakers are currently scrambling to locate and replace some one million prototypes and experimental models of the system currently in use in American automobiles.

 

Takata’s new president Shigehisa Takada, grandson of the founder, has apologized to American Ambassador to Japan Caroline Kennedy and has promised that Ogawa will have his head removed with a samurai sword in a ceremony that will take place over the weekend.

 

 

Scott Walker Adopts Idiot Persona In Attempt To Woo Christian Control Freak Vote

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

scottwalker7

MADISON, WISCONSIN – (CT&P) – Governor of Wisconsin and fascist presidential candidate Scott Walker was chatting recently with right-wing radio host and lunatic Dana Loesch about his efforts to set up regulatory hurdles to abortion access in his state when, in an attempt to garner support from the Christian right, he displayed the level of intelligence normally only found in brain-damaged goats.

During a rambling and often incoherent diatribe in which he called teachers “servants of Satan,” and unions “the root of all evil,” Walker offered a bizarre and troubling defense of a law he signed that would require a woman to undergo a medically unnecessary ultrasound before exercising her constitutionally protected right to an abortion:

“I’m pro-life,” raved Walker. “I’ve passed pro-life legislation. We defunded Planned Parenthood and used the money to pay the lawyers we hired to sue teacher’s unions. We signed a law that requires an ultrasound. Which, the thing about that, the media tried to make that sound like that was a crazy idea. I mean, the media actually thinks that we have no right to control women’s private parts! Have you ever heard such nonsense?”

Scott-Walker-Honey-badger-591x400

Walker insists he is completely sane despite the fact he regularly roams the grounds of the governor’s mansion in a badger suit.

“You know, most people I talked to, whether they’re pro-life or not, I find people all the time that pull out their iPhone and show me a picture of their grandkids’ ultrasound and how excited they are, so that’s a lovely thing. I think about my sons are 19 and 20, we still have their first ultrasounds, as well as their first bowel movements. It’s just a cool thing out there. In fact, I can’t go anywhere without thousands of people coming up to me with ultrasounds, chest x-rays, and MRI films of their Uncle Bob’s enlarged prostate.”

“I think we need to make sure that women fully appreciate that male politicians and a bunch of religious zealots are the ones who can best decide when they should reproduce and when they shouldn’t. It says so in the Bible, and the Bible is never wrong.”

“I think the next logical step is to sterilize women against their will if they don’t agree with our policy,” said Walker, as he fumbled with the two steel balls he always carries in his right hand. “If they won’t obey the Good Book, then we’re just going to have to make sure they can’t get pregnant. It’s the Christian thing to do.”

Loesch closed the interview by thanking Walker for his comments and praising his obsessive desire to control vaginas, ovaries, and uteri for the benefit of society as a whole.

Although Walker has been described as “legally insane” and “power mad” by several psychiatrists in the Madison area, he currently leads the Republican pack in the latest poll of likely Republican voters, which begs the question:

“Just what the fuck is wrong with those people?”

Blatter Resigns; Accepts New Position In Russian Mafia

Posted in humor, politics, sports by

blatter2

ZURICH – (CT&P) – Obergruppenführer Sepp Blatter resigned his post this morning as FIFA president and has accepted a position within the Bratva, or Russian mafia. Mr. Blatter told reporters that he regretted leaving the corrupt organization he had worked so hard to build, but with the FBI and Swiss authorities closing in, he felt he had no choice.

“I’m very proud of the work I have done at FIFA,” said Blatter. “We took an organization that had a relatively good reputation and over a period of 17 years we managed to turn it into one of the premier criminal enterprises on the planet.”

putin-lion

Putin spoke to reporters while feeding his pet lions behind the former KGB headquarters building.

“I’m leaving FIFA with a clear conscience and a large bank account,” said Blatter, “and I look forward to serving my new employers with the same creativity and enthusiasm I displayed while in charge of soccer’s ruling body.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin expressed delight with the turn of events.

“The imperialist swine from the United States have tried to destroy this innocent man by dragging his good name through the mud of their capitalist pigsties. We welcome him, his aides, and his young Asian sex slaves to Mother Russia. His experience in extortion, larceny, and blackmail will be an invaluable asset as we prepare our glorious stadiums for the 2018 World Cup.”

Nearly all international political and sports pundits are in agreement that Blatter should do quite well inside the Russian Mob as it is so similar to FIFA in almost every respect.

 

Entire Republican Party To Run For President

Posted in humor, politics by
graham

Flanked by members of the Republican Sturmabteilung, Lindsey Graham announced his candidacy today. He will be one of roughly one million candidates for the Republican nomination.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince “Beavis” Priebus announced this morning that all members of the Republican Party, both living and dead, will be invited to run for President of the United States in the upcoming 2016 race.

“We’re desperately trying to find someone, anyone, who can defeat Hillary,” Priebus said during an appearance on Fox and Friends, a morning talk show co-hosted by three of the dumbest hominids to ever walk the earth.

teapartysign2

Priebus said that even illiterate Tea Baggers would be welcome to join in the race for the White House. “The more the merrier,” said Priebus.

“This was not an easy decision,” said Priebus, as the three dimwitted bipeds stared dully back at the monitor, “but you’ve all seen our current lineup of religious kooks, homophobes, and fear mongering dunderheads. They’re a disaster waiting to happen.”

“We had to do something drastic because the GOP has become synonymous with those who wish to deny health care to the poor, control women’s reproductive organs, deny equal rights to homosexuals, and crush the oppressed classes beneath the heels of their corporate jackboots.”

“So we’re suspending the usual requirements and opening up the race to any member of the Republican Party who has any type of higher brain function. Granted, that counts a lot of us out, but I still think we could have a million or so party members competing for the nomination.”

Priebus told the nitwits on Fox that the logistics of getting all one million candidates into the same building for a debate would have to be ironed out later.

John Kerry Crashes Bike And Breaks His Fucking Leg

Posted in humor, politics, sports by

bicycle-accident-flooded-road

GENEVA – (CT&P) – Goofy ass Secretary of State John Kerry has broken his fucking leg while riding his bicycle in a charity event near Scionzier, France, wherever the hell that is. Kerry is said to have lost control of his bike in wet conditions while trying to hold both an umbrella and his latte at the same time.

john-kerry-bike

Kerry avoided more serious injury because he was wearing a custom-made pumpkinhead/xenomorph helmet specially designed to fit on top of his enormous flat skull.

“Mr. Kerry began hydroplaning and completely lost control of his bike, veered off the road, hit a curb, and plowed through a line of French schoolchildren who were waiting outside a cinema to watch a Jerry Lewis movie marathon,” said a Secret Service agent who was following along behind Kerry on his own bike.

None of the schoolchildren were seriously injured, but 12 other cyclists were killed when drunken Secret Service agents hustled Kerry into a chase vehicle and ran over dozens of other cyclists in an attempt to get Kerry out of danger.

“We thought we were surrounded by FIFA gunmen, so we needed to act quickly,” said one of the agents.

bicyclecrash

None of the French schoolchildren were seriously injured in the accident but drunken Secret Service agents later killed 12 cyclists while in route to the hospital.

The Secretary of State was taken to a hospital in Geneva and never lost consciousness. He will be returning to Boston to receive further treatment.

Mr. Kerry, 71, had been scheduled to fly to Madrid on Sunday afternoon for an official visit there. He was then set to travel to Paris for a meeting on Tuesday of foreign ministers from the coalition the United States has assembled to confront the Islamic State, also known as ISIS or ISIL.

Those travel plans have been canceled, but Mr. Kerry plans to participate in the Paris event remotely by a video conference so he will not be in a position to harm anyone attending the meeting.

John Kirby, a State Department spokesman, said that the secretary would return to the United States in “an aircraft outfitted to ensure that he cannot get up and destroy anything else throughout the flight. Its use is nothing more than a prudent medical step on the advice of physicians.” Aides and reporters traveling with the secretary flew back to Washington on his plane.

Aides to Secretary Kerry say he is expected to make a full recovery and will be out and about wreaking havoc again in no time.