LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Embattled former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has made an offer on Michael Jackson’s old Neverland Ranch property, according to the L. A. Times.

Hastert, who served alongside Bob Livingston, Tom Delay, Newt Gingrich, and a whole host of other Republican criminals while in office, has been charged with lying to the F.B.I. and making cash withdrawals from banks in a way that was designed to hide that he was paying $3.5 million to someone for his “misconduct” from years ago, a federal indictment released on Thursday said.

Mr. Hastert, 73, the longest-serving Republican speaker, had worked as a lobbyist since leaving office. The indictment, announced by the United States attorney for the Northern District of Illinois, said Mr. Hastert, who was once a high school teacher and wrestling coach in Yorkville, Ill., had so far paid $1.7 million to the person, who had lived in Yorkville and had known Mr. Hastert for most of his or her life. Mr. Hastert worked in Yorkville from 1965 to 1981.

Wrestling has always been near and dear to Hastert’s heart, and he looks forward to teaching young boys some of his “special moves.”

The person, who is referred to as “Johnny Cutesack” in court documents, has reportedly told prosecutors that Hastert repeatedly grabbed and compressed his scrotum while supposedly teaching him wrestling moves.

Cutesack told prosecutors that he finally had to “come clean” because he felt he had wrung “just about all the cash he could” out of the conservative Christian former politician.

Despite Hastert’s legal problems, he hired a real estate agent to approach the current owners of Jackson’s former home in Santa Barbara County in order to make an offer on the property.

“Once all this blows over I want to give something back to society,” said Hastert. “I entered politics with a net worth of a mere $250,000, yet I managed to make millions while Speaker of the House and as a lobbyist. I’ll never have to set foot in an office again. I want to put all my ill-gotten gains to good use by setting up a wrestling camp for attractive young boys. Praise the Lord!”

Prosecutors do not share Hastert’s optimism however.

Kimberly Nerheim, spokesman for the U.S. attorney’s office, told reporters in Chicago that “By the time we get finished with this hypocrite he’s going to feel like he’s had a red hot poker shoved up his ass.”

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – The nation’s second-largest city voted Tuesday to increase its minimum wage from $9 an hour to $15 an hour by 2020, in what is perhaps the most significant victory so far for labor groups, Marxists, and America haters who are engaged in a national push to raise the minimum wage and destroy the country.

The increase, which the Leninist city council passed in a 14-to-1 vote, comes as workers across the country are rallying for higher wages and several large companies, including Facebook and Walmart, have moved to raise their lowest wages.

Senator Tom Cotton said that the minimum wage was a Commie plot that threatened to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. “Once we invade Iran and Russia we’ll have plenty of lebensraum for these poor people to farm. They should just be patient,” he said.

Several other cities, including San Francisco, Chicago, Seattle and Oakland, have already approved increases, and dozens more are considering doing the same. In 2014, a number of Republican-leaning states like Alaska and South Dakota also raised their state-level minimum wages by ballot initiative.

The move was met with alarm by right wingers and capitalist pigs on Wall Street and in Congress.

“Raising the minimum wage would cause a huge stream of filthy illegal aliens entering the country once again,” said Rick Perry. “We’re much better off keeping the inner cities cesspools of poverty and despair. That way those damn Messicans will stay put!”

Former representative and current insane person Michele Bachmann told the Jesus Is Coming Back Any Minute Network that we can’t afford to show compassion for the poor because God hates poor people almost as much as he does fags.

Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) told CNN, “I’m alarmed by the number of cities that are passing this ill-advised pay hike for lazy bastards who can’t get real jobs. These cities pose a real threat to the economy of the United States and our whole way of life. It’s only a matter of time before they adopt Sharia law and develop their own nuclear weapons. I think the best thing we could do is bomb them into submission before they kill us all.”

Former U.S. representative from Minnesota and thoroughly insane person Michele Bachmann said that “If God wanted us to have a living wage he would have put it in the Ten Commandments. This is all Obama’s fault. Once you start showing compassion for the less fortunate by providing them health care, then they start demanding food and other things. I think beyond a doubt this signals the beginning of the End Times and worldwide apocalypse, which is good.”

Although House Republicans have repeatedly voted against raising the minimum wage and prefer instead to ignore anyone who does not make over $100,000 per year, the tide seems to be against them. Despite their best efforts to oppress the lower classes and return to the “Golden Days” of the Middle Ages, most pundits believe that the GOP will be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century.