Category Archives: politics

United Nations Declares Iraq ‘Gigantic Clusterfuck’

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – With ISIS on the attack around Ramadi, Shiite and Sunni militias fighting each other as well as Islamic State forces, Coalition airstrikes blowing up empty patches of desert, the Iraqi military in full retreat, and inanimate objects exploding all over the country, United Nations President Sam Kahamba Kutesa officially declared Iraq an official “24 karat Clusterfuck” at a press conference this morning.

The distinction is important because clusterfuck status enables the United Nations to speed up relief shipments of food and medicine to the country whose borders were pulled out of white people’s asses shortly after World War I.

Vice President Cheney Criticizes Democrats Iraq Spending Bill

Former Vice President and soulless demon from hell Dick Cheney told reporters that Obama was an idiot and the only sure way to solve international problems was to “KILL KILL KILL!”

“We don’t hold out much hope that peace will come to the area in our lifetimes,” said Kutesa, “but we hope that eventually the fighting will die down to the point where we can distribute food, water, and cyanide tablets to the surviving population.”

The White House hailed the decision as a “real breakthrough” and expressed hope that fleeing refugees would be offered at least one last good meal before being obliterated by wayward drone strikes and terrorist car bombs.

“The situation is improving day-to-day,” said President Obama at a press conference in the Rose Garden, where he thanked Dick Cheney and George Bush for leaving Iraq and the Middle East in such good shape.

“I’m confident that all these religious nut cases will stop murdering each other real soon,” said Obama. “After all, they’ve been at it for several centuries now and I’m sure they’re sick and tired of all the bloodshed.”

Cheney, who was in Washington to negotiate the purchase of a soul to go with his new heart, told reporters that the entire fucked-up situation was Obama’s fault because he offered health care to the poor and failed to bomb the shit out of Iran over their nuclear program.

Killing Mrs O’Reilly

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Three weeks ago, a Nassau County Supreme Court justice ended a bitter three-year custody dispute between Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly and his ex-wife, Maureen McPhilmy, by granting custody of the couple’s two minor children, Pinhead and Talking Points, to McPhilmy.

Though nearly all documents pertaining to New York family court cases are sealed, and O’Reilly himself has issued a fatwā threatening the life of anyone who speaks publicly about the case, Gawker is reporting that the judge heard testimony accusing O’Reilly of physically assaulting his wife in the couple’s Manhasset home.

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O’Reilly water boarded his wife on a weekly basis in order to extract confessions regarding her membership in the liberal conspiracy that was out to get him

A source close to the court who wishes to remain anonymous because she fears for her life told Gawker that a court-appointed forensic examiner testified at a closed hearing that O’Reilly’s daughter Pinhead claimed to have witnessed her father dragging McPhilmy down a staircase by her neck, apparently unaware that the daughter was watching. The precise date of the alleged incident is unclear, but appears to have occurred before the couple separated in 2010. The same source indicated that Pinhead, who is 16 years old, told the forensic examiner about the incident within the past year.

Pinhead went on to explain to the examiner that O’Reilly water-boarded McPhilmy on a weekly basis while trying to extract various confessions from her regarding her love of rap music and what O’Reilly called her “socialist tendencies.”

“He would almost drown her time and again until she admitted she was part of the ‘War on Christmas’ or something equally bizarre,” Pinhead told the examiner. “After he got what he wanted out of her, he would put her in this barber chair that had a motor in it and spun her around and around until she threw up. He called it the ‘Spin-Dry Zone.’ It was just awful.”

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O’Reilly’s youngest daughter Talking Points wanders around in a dissociative fugue state most of the time. Psychologists believe it was brought on by being forced watch his show for hours on end while trapped inside a Skinner Box

The list of abominations carried out by O’Reilly was nearly endless, from the family having to answer bizarre questions about the deterioration of the black family while O’Reilly yelled at them to drown them out, to forcing them to watch him masturbate while he stared at himself in a full-length mirror.

O’Reilly’s younger daughter Talking Points was unable to corroborate her sister’s testimony because she is in a semi-permanent fugue state. Experts believe it was induced by her being catheterized, strapped to a chair, and forced to watch a loop of O’Reilly’s show for up to 72 hours at a time ever since she was three years old.

However, the judge in the case apparently did not need further corroboration of McPhilmy’s and Pinhead’s testimony in order to render judgement.

“Anyone who watches O’Reilly’s show knows he is a giant insecure prick who has some really severe psychological problems,” said the judge. “That in itself would not decide the custody case, because if it did I would have to remove children from the homes of the majority of Fox News’ on air talent. But the testimony of Ms McPhilmy and her poor daughter has convinced me that this manchild O’Reilly should come nowhere near his spawn until they are over 18 and able to tell him to ‘fuck off and die’ right to his face without fear of reprisal.”

O’Reilly is said to be appealing the decision and has threatened to kill everyone involved in the case as well as the entire staff at Gawker.

 

Kerry Confident Muslims Will Stop Murdering Each Other Before Hell Freezes Over

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SEOUL – (CT&P) – Secretary of State John Kerry say he’s confident that the cave dwelling fanatics that have been slaughtering each other for centuries over a religious dispute will stop killing each other long before the end of time.

Kerry, who is traveling through South Korea, says that he’s always said the fight between different sects of the “religion of peace” would be a long one, but would eventually burn itself out just like the Hundred Year’s War between Catholics and Protestants did in Europe.

He said that Ramadi was a “target of opportunity” for the savages from the Islamic State but he’s confident that the savages that we currently support will get the upper hand in coming days, which in turn will lead to another round of murder and mayhem, thus reducing the numbers of fighters on both sides.

Senate Foreign Relations Chairman Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., rubs his faces as he listens to Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., speak during his confirmation hearing to become the next top diplomat, replacing Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Thursday, Jan. 24, 2013, on Capitol Hill in Washington. Kerry is likely to face friendly questioning on a smooth path to approval before the committee he has served on for 28 years and led for the past four. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

When asked to analyze Jeb Bush’s comments on his brother’s invasion of Iraq, Kerry put is head in his hands and did an imitation of Lurch from the Addams Family

Ramadi fell to ISIS on Sunday, as Iraqi forces that we spent billions to train and equip ran like frightened schoolchildren in the face of a few black and white flags mounted on top of pickup trucks. The brave Iraqi troops abandoned their weapons and armored vehicles to flee the provincial capital in a major loss despite intensified U.S.-led airstrikes.

“I’m confident that once all of these idiots on both sides are dead the fighting will stop,” said Kerry.

When asked by a reporter why the fuck we continue to get involved in this ridiculous bloodletting over imaginary friends in the sky, an exasperated Kerry replied, “Because of the oil, you dumb shit!”

“Look, everyone knows these 7th century cretins are going to continue to murder each other until the camels come home, but we hope we can immolate enough of them with air strikes and artillery barrages to secure the oil supply for at least another few decades. After that, we really don’t give a fuck.”

Kerry closed the impromptu presser by saying that we were not at war with Islam and had great respect for its long history of showing tolerance and love for members of different religions just before killing them.

“We hope that in the future other countries can be more like America where we tolerate people with a wide variety of fucked up religious beliefs and usually stop short of burning them alive no matter how wacked-out and batshit crazy they may be,” said Kerry.

ISIS Leader’s Death Presents Great Opportunity For Deputy Commanders

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DAMASCUS – (CT&P) – The death of Abu Sayyaf and capture of his wife Umm Sayyaf during a raid in eastern Syria last night will provide advancement opportunities and a “chance to shine” for deputy commanders in the area, according to ISIS Supreme Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

U.S. Special Forces based in Iraq carried out the deadly raid, the White House said this morning.

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ISIS Supreme Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told reporters that he felt sure one of his junior commanders would take advantage of this great opportunity to “step up and shine” in a new role with added responsibilities and rewards

Abu Sayyaf was a senior ISIL (Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant) leader whose roles included overseeing illicit oil and gas operations, key sources of revenue for the terror group, according to the White House. He also was allegedly involved with the group’s military operations, an accusation that his lawyer F. Muhammad al-Bailey flatly denies.

Sayyaf was purportedly killed in a firefight.

According to Pentagon sources no U.S. personnel were killed or wounded during the action.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who called a press conference today outside his cave somewhere in the middle of the fucking desert, told reporters that although he would miss his friend Sayyaf and his lovely wife Umm, the raid presented a great opportunity for some up and coming junior officers.

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Sayyaf’s second in command, Omar Muhammad Libidinous al-Turgid, escaped injury and capture because at the time of the raid he was in an escape tunnel fucking a goat

“I’m really looking forward to see who is going to step up and fill this important position for us,” said al-Baghdadi, as he picked lice from his beard. “I met several of Abu’s lieutenants last fall at our yearly convention and motivational retreat in Mosul. I think one of those guys will step up, take the goat by the horns and get down to some serious murder and mayhem. I can’t wait to see some of the new torture and execution techniques these guys come up with! You know the younger generation can really be creative.”

Umm Sayyaf, whom U.S. intelligence officials suspect also was an ISIL member and played an important role in terror activities, was taken for questioning to a U.S. military facility in Iraq but was quickly released because according to Delta Force officers the woman was a “giant pain in the ass.”

“I swear to God I’d rather be burned alive that deal with that gibbering bitch for one more minute,” said Captain Billy Bob McSneed of Turd Bluff, Iowa. “I don’t see how the dude lived with that woman. In my opinion we did the guy a favor by killing him.”

Pentagon sources told CNN that no further ground raids were planned at this time, but as soon as Sayyaf’s replacement was named and settled into his new job, Delta would go in and blow his head off as well.

 

Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton Sires Humanoid Life Form

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LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – Senator Tom Cotton (Idiot-AR) and his wife Rachel were allowed to take their male bipedal hominid home today from Our Lady of the Inbred Hospital and Chain Saw Repair Shop outside Little Rock. Senator Cotton told reporters outside the hospital that the seething mass of protoplasm will be named Gabriel Damien Cotton in honor of both Christopher Walken and Satan, The Prince of Darkness.

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An escaped pediatric nurse provided sonograms of what is purported to be the creature during gestation

 

The spawn had been kept in quarantine since its birth in late April in order to make sure that it posed no risk to the general public. No photos of the offspring have been published by the family, which has done nothing but encourage the disturbing rumors swirling around the creature’s birth.

 

On May 8th, a pediatric nurse formerly employed at the hospital escaped police custody and told the Arkansas Plain Dealer that several emergency operations were done on the critter immediately after its birth, including one to remove a forked tail and two bony protrusions on its forehead.

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Rumors are still swirling about a birthmark found on the spawn before he was sent home from the hospital

The nurse, who wished to remain anonymous, provided several disturbing ultrasound images she said were made during the final stages of the creature’s development within the womb. The sonograms show the image of a dragon or demonic figure resembling the xenomorph made famous in the Alien movie series.

 

“Of course I was horrified but we were told by authorities that if we said anything we would be ‘disappeared’ along with our entire families,” said the nurse. “I finally just could not take it anymore and had to get out of there. I was later tasered and arrested at my home and taken into custody. I managed to escape last week when most of the cops left to attend the annual dog-shooting festival up in Jonesboro.”

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Senator Cotton’s wife Rachel continues to insist that she is a normal human being with real memories and no set expiration date

 

So far the Cottons have refused to comment on the rumors and have insisted that they gave birth to a healthy human male. As she was leaving the hospital Mrs Cotton told reporters that at least the birth should finally quell an earlier batch of “hateful rumors” that she and her husband were actually biorobotic replicants produced in a secret Tea Party laboratory located in an abandoned missile silo in Montana.

“I am not a robot,” said Mrs Cotton. “I am a human being!”

 

The Cottons have issued a press release that the offspring will be home-schooled and kept away from the general public until advisers determine the time is right to precipitate the “End Times” and the young Cotton is old enough to take the reins of a new world government.

 

 

 

Hillary Vows To Slash Deficit By Eliminating Executive Oversight Committees

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – At a rest area somewhere near Compost, Iowa this morning Hillary Clinton paused as she was exiting the men’s restroom to tell a group of near-rabid, obsessive-compulsive journalists that if elected she planned on banning executive oversight and investigative committees in both houses of Congress, along with the Office of the Special Prosecutor in D.C.

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When asked what would happen if the executive branch operated without any supervision Hillary responded, “What difference does it make?”

The Democrat candidate said that she would do this by executive order on her first day in office and the actions would be taken to reduce waste in government and save taxpayers’ money.

“I really don’t see the need for members of Congress to spend months going over the same old shit trying to dig up dirt on our president,” said Clinton. “The president has better things to do than worry about deleting emails, erasing tapes, and ‘disappearing’ key witnesses. Besides, the citizens of the United States elected these bozos to bring back subsidies for huge corporations, give tax breaks to the wealthiest members of our society, and get funding for bridges to nowhere so a few jobs can be created in their districts.”

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When queried on the subject of congressional oversight Hillary’s Hispanic Vote Liaison Officer Alphonso Redoya told reporters, “Oversight? We don’t need no stinking oversight!”

“I think that if members of Congress were to just concentrate on what the hell they were elected to do, we could reduce the number of days they are in session by about half and drastically cut their salaries and expenses. That would really help the federal government’s bottom line,” said Clinton.

When a reporter from the New York Times asked Clinton who would then provide oversight of the executive branch, an agitated Alphonso Bedoya, Clinton Campaign Hispanic Vote Liaison Officer, told him what he thought of executive oversight committees.

“Oversight? To god-damned hell with oversight! We have no oversight. In fact, we don’t need no oversight. I don’t have to show you any stinking oversight, you god-damned cabron and ching tu madre!”

Clinton then thanked the journalists, jumped in her van, and sped off too her next campaign fundraiser at Jim Bob’s Pork and Corn Barbecue Palace in Steaming Excrement Springs just outside Cedar Rapids.

Huckabee Warns Of Apocalypse If SCOTUS Rules In Favor Of Inter-Species Marriage

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FORBIDDEN ZONE – (CT&P) – During a campaign swing through the Forbidden Zone today, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee warned crowds that if the Supreme Court rules in favor of inter-species marriage then all hell will break loose and America will be plucked from the surface of the earth and cast into the Lake of Fire.

“God will never forgive us for this,” said a sweating Huckabee. “Inter-species breeding is an abomination in the sight of Our Lord. We’ve already condemned ourselves to thousands of years in Purgatory for legalizing abortion and allowing minorities to vote. We don’t want to seal our fate by offering legal protection to those who wish to ignore God’s commandments.”

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Huckabee told adoring crowds that God would destroy America and murder millions of men, women, and children if we didn’t profess our love for him on a daily basis.

Although he is considered a long shot, Huckabee’s campaign for the Republican nomination has gathered steam in recent days as he has traveled the country pandering to his base of insane religious zealots, backwoods bigots, and gospel band base players.

Among other things, Huckabee has promised to set up “death panels” to determine whether liberals and atheists will be burned at the stake or simply sent to Christian re-education camps. He’s also promised to limit the tax exempt status of churches to those who “love Jesus” and will deport all Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and members of other faiths.

One of Huckabee’s most popular programs with his base is his “Back to the Promised Land” initiative, in which he proposes sending all Jewish Americans to Israel “where they belong.” “We love Israel and the Jews as a people because they were chosen by God, but we really don’t want to deal with those Christ killers on a personal basis,” said Huckabee.

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Huckabee told students at Simian High School in Half-life, New York that God was watching them 24 hours a day and any deviation from the strict and bizarre rules set forth in the Bible would result in them spending eternity in Hell.

The former governor promised that if he is elected president, homosexuals, pedophiles, and those practicing bestiality will all be executed except in certain areas of Arkansas and rural Appalachia where he polls well.

Most political experts believe that Huckabee stands little chance of gaining the Republican nomination, much less becoming president, but Huckabee insists that America needs to “hear the Good News of God’s love” from one of his loyal servants, so he will continue campaigning as long as he can con poor white people out of 10-25 dollar donations.

“I’m out here trying to stop America from becoming a progressive and caring nation with equality for all despite their sexual orientation or choice of mate,” said Huckabee. “I feel if we all pull together we can make America a shining light for all those around the globe who want to return to the Middle Ages and a social hierarchy based on the divine right of kings.”

Huckabee is scheduled to swing through the old Confederacy next week where he will be introducing his “Barefoot and Pregnant” initiative for newly married females.

 

 

Carly Fiorina Joins Vice Presidential Race

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DARMSTADT, GERMANY – (CT&P) – From a dark and foreboding castle deep in the Odenwald, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina announced her candidacy for vice president on Monday, becoming the first declared female candidate to seek the Republican Party’s nomination for second-in-command.

“Yes, I am running,” Fiorina said on ABC’s “Good Morning America.” “I think I’m the best person for the job because I understand how unemployment benefits actually work. I understand the world, and all those lazy bastards who don’t have jobs in it.”

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Fiorina is known to have a short fuse and regularly goes on bloody rampages, firing anyone she comes in contact with.

The ex-Silicon Valley executive and long-shot contender has never held public office. In 2010, she unsuccessfully ran for Senate in California, losing to Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer.

However, Fiorina thinks her lack of political experience and vicious incompetence in business makes her the right choice for vice president.

“I’m the perfect candidate for the job because I have little or no empathy for average Americans, and I’ll be able to deflect criticism from a Republican president when the party repeals Obamacare, guts social safety nets, criminalizes women’s reproductive rights, and leads us into war with Iran,” said the bizarre-looking Fiorina.

“I’m really excited to be part of a group of xenophobic science deniers who want to turn the United States into a nightmarish theocracy run by a combination of religious zealots and huge, faceless corporations who ship all their meaningful jobs overseas,” said the twitching Fiorina.

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Before jumping into the race, Fiorina had a long talk with fellow kook Ted Cruz about the possibility of being his running mate.

“I know there are several other unfeeling, pompous ass lunatics running for vice president, but I think I proved I’m the right kook for the job by firing thousands of workers and botching a merger deal while I was at HP. Hey, if I didn’t do a good job then how come I got that 21 million when I slinked away?”

As optimistic as she comes across in interviews, Fiorina has a snowball’s chance in Hell of becoming vice president.

At this point, it would be hard for Fiorina’s poll numbers to be lower, and most pundits believe that whoever wins the Republican nomination would choose an ISIS terrorist before teaming up with her.

Jason Burnett, grandson of Hewlett-Packard co-founder David Packard and mayor of Carmel, California, told CNN, “She fucked up a great company and I don’t want to see her fuck up a great country. That miscreant needs to stay in her castle with all the rest of the good doctor’s flawed creations.”

Crazy Ass Black Dude Claims He’s Running For President

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Image: 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)

DETROIT – (CT&P) – An unidentified black man who according to authorities appeared “dangerously unbalanced” rented a ballroom in downtown Detroit on Monday and insisted to people wandering in off the street that he was running for president of the United States on the Republican ticket.

The man claimed to be a former neurosurgeon and said that God had told him in a dream that he should run for president.

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Among other things, the demented black man claimed that fossils were the work of Satan, homosexuals caused climate change, and Noah put dinosaurs on the Ark.

He then made a two-hour long rambling, disjointed speech that was interspersed with a gospel choir singing rap songs that had been ‘cleaned up’ for purposes of the event.

Among other things, the unhinged black gentleman said that the United States now resembled Nazi Germany, the Affordable Care Act was the worst thing since slavery, and that President Obama was a socialist dictator who was bent on taking over Texas and other parts of the southwest.

Authorities investigating the event told CNN that although the man did not appear to be dangerous, they were keeping a close eye on his comings and goings and had alerted federal agencies that a lunatic posing as a politician was now on the campaign trail.

Detroit Police Chief James Craig told a reporter from the Detroit Free Press that they first became aware of the event when concerned citizens began calling 911 saying that some crazy black man was running around the city claiming to be a Republican.

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Many people began leaving the event when the man said that Jesus rode from town to town in Palestine preaching the gospel from the back of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

“When we heard that, we knew we had a real nut on our hands,” said Chief Craig. “No self-respecting black person would ever vote for those cretins. So we sent some plainclothes officers down to this event he was having to find out just what the hell was going on.”

“My officers reported that the man appeared to be mentally ill because he kept raving that evolution was a myth and the earth was only 6,000 years old. He also told the audience that fossils were the work of Satan and related some wacked-out story about Noah putting dinosaurs on the Ark. I mean, this guy is hanging on to his sanity by a thread,” said Craig.

Chief Craig said that they decided not to arrest the man because he appeared harmless and very few people in Detroit took him seriously.

“We’re questioning some young white Jesus Freaks who helped set up the event, and we hope to discover just who this guy really is so we can do some background checks, but at this time no charges will be filed,” said Craig.

 

ISIS Takes Credit For Texas Attack, Income Inequality, Climate Change, And The Continual Disruptions In Mrs. Pearson’s 6th Grade Homeroom Class

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SOME NASTY ASS CAVE IN THE DESERT – (CT&P) – On Tuesday, ISIS took to its radio station, WKIL,  to boast that the bumbling idiots who attacked the Muhammad Art Exhibit and Cartoon Contest in Garland, Texas, on Sunday night were “two soldiers of the caliphate.” The claim, which has not yet been verified by any American officials, is the first attack on American soil for which the terror group has taken responsibility, but ISIS vowed it would not be the last.

During his morning drive-time program, Abdul-Aziz Asad Bouhtros Boutros Boutros Boutros Haddad Skyhook (which roughly translates to “he who lusts after young female goats”) read a statement from the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board that said that ISIS had recruited hundreds of disaffected young Muslims throughout the United States and would use these human time bombs to “bring America to its knees” like a “camel in heat.”

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Abu Bakr al-Buttpluggi told reporters outside his cave in Mosul that the United States and Israel will be buried under the weight of middle school class disruptions the likes of which have never been seen. “It will cause the ‘Mother of All Suspensions,'” he said.

“We tell America that what is coming will be even bigger and more bitter, and that you will see the soldiers of the Islamic State do terrible things. We have already ruined your economy by creating income inequality, we are responsible for the ongoing destruction of the polar ice caps, our agents within the police force and black community are burning your cities to the ground, and all this is just the beginning!” said Skyhook as foamed at the mouth.

“We have young, ideologically pure soldiers of the caliphate in place in all of your elementary and middle schools, and we are set to unleash them at any time! Prepare for the ‘Mother of All Class Disruptions!’ You vile infidels will reap the reward for your imperialist invasions, the theft of our blessed and merciful fossils fuels, and your fucking fast food franchises now dotting the Middle East. Die Great Satan!”

Skyhook then had to cut to traffic to report an overturned camel on the road to Mecca.

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Little Johnny McDunce, a fourth grader at Dim Bulb Elementary School in Toxic Springs, Kansas, was interrogated by FBI agents after posting detailed plans for an atomic bomb on his Facebook page. “I was only fucking around,” claimed Johnny. Johnny is known to his classmates as the “Spitball Sheik.”

Federal investigators have yet to confirm that the two men who conducted the attack in Garland have any connections to ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or one of the gazillion half-ass terrorist splinter groups trying to earn brownie points by murdering defenseless civilians.

“At this time we have no reason to believe that these two clowns had any connections to anything other than Twitter and Facebook,” said FBI Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III. “About the only thing they had in common was a low IQ and an inability to plan even the simplest terrorist attack. Hell, they barely even got out of their fucking car before they were turned into Swiss cheese,” chuckled Zimbalist.

When asked about the claims made by the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board on WKIL, Zimbalist told journalists that he wasn’t overly concerned.

“You have to remember who we’re dealing with here. Neanderthals would score higher on the SAT. So don’t worry; these imbeciles couldn’t find their asses with both hands,” said Zimbalist.