Category Archives: politics

Simpletons Across America Celebrate As House Votes To Repeal Obamacare…For The 67th Fucking Time

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives continued the time-honored tradition of wasting time and taxpayer’s money by passing legislation to roll back Obamacare on Tuesday.

The vote was entirely symbolic in nature because everyone in the chamber knows full well that the members of the U.S. Senate will not be passing a companion bill and even if that were the case President Obama would veto it.

The vote was Buffoons 239, Reasonable Individuals 186, with no House Democrat supporting the measure and three House GOP freshmen opposing it.

This latest vote marked the 67th time the House has wasted our time and gone out of its way to look like a bunch of idiot children by voting to entirely repeal, defund or change some provisions of President Barack Obama’s signature health care law.

“We know the vote was a ridiculous exercise in stupidity, but we had to give the new members of our mentally deficient caucus the chance to vote against Obamacare,” said House Speaker John Boehner, while on a smoke break in the men’s restroom. “After all, no one wants to go home to his district and face the wrath of ignorant hicks without being able to say he has no compassion for the less fortunate.”

The vote precipitated predictable reactions across the country, with reasonable and compassionate folks rolling their eyes at the antics of a bunch of schoolchildren. The result was quite different however within the army of right-wing supporters made up of simpletons, rednecks, free-market capitalists, fascists, and evangelical right-wing Christians who seem to have no compassion for anyone except themselves.

A compilation of reactions from the right wing and its supporters has graciously been made available to us from CNN.

Here are some examples:

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Billy Bob McSneed, Director of Signage for the Tea Party, said “We gotta show that we ain’t gonna stand for no low-cost health care. My Diddy grew up just fine without it, and my nine kids can too!”

 

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Cardinal Fang of the Catholic League’s Punishment Squad said “Government has no right to step in and try to help the less fortunate. That’s our job. All we ask is that poor people convert to our archaic belief system and abstain from birth control.”

 

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Freshman Senator Thom “Typhoid” Tillis (R-NC) said, “The government already overreaches by making us wash our hands after we defecate. The last thing we need is regulatory agencies telling doctors that they need a diploma in order to practice medicine. Now excuse me while I devour this delicious-looking infant.”

 

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Frieda “Hepatitis C” Johnson told CNN that “I don’t give a shit if he is the presadint! No negra is gonna tell me when I gotta go to the fuckin’ doctor.”

 

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Glenn Beck, a radio talk show host and ex Fox News kook, said “Obamacare is possibly the greatest conspiracy ever perpetrated on the American people. It’s right up there with climate change and the worldwide conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids. It poses a threat not only to earth, but to nearby galaxies as well.”

 

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Billy Joe Numbnuts of Toxic Springs, Florida said, “My wife and me ain’t got no need for no government healthcare. We do just fine down at the methadone clinic.”

 

The vote, like all the previous votes to repeal Obamacare, is expected to get the GOP exactly nowhere with the American public. Recent polls conducted by everyone other than Fox News shows that a majority of Americans want to keep the program in place or tweak it slightly in order to improve it. Only about 20% of Americans, representing the most militantly stupid portion of our population, want to repeal the law and go back to the old system. Furthermore, enrollment in the healthcare system continues to rise, and the more people who sign up, the less likely a repeal becomes.

However, polls seem to have no effect on far right politicians, who have to kowtow to a rabid base who yearn for a return to the Middle Ages. In fact, Speaker Boehner has scheduled at least a dozen more votes to repeal Obamacare before the August recess, so GOP members can go back and brag about how they are standing up to the “emperor” in the White House.

“We just can’t afford to be seen as cooperating with anyone who wants to help the poor and less fortunate,” said Boehner, as the orange skinned Speaker chugged a whiskey sour. “All our campaign money would dry up overnight!”

Psychiatric Team From UAB Officially Declares Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore ‘Batshit Crazy’

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Roy Moore, former chief justice of Alabama supreme court

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA (CT&P) – Controversial and dumb as dirt Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore has been declared “legally fucking insane” by a team of esteemed psychiatrists from the University of Alabama in Birmingham. A clerk for the judge responded to the decision by saying that the doctors were obviously the servants of Lucifer and are part of a huge conspiracy to undermine the judge and his wacked-out ideas.

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Judge Moore became famous when he refused to remove a ridiculous monument of the Ten Commandments from the judicial building even though he was ordered to do so by a federal judge. “Too bad they didn’t drop the damn thing on him,” said Alabama Governor Robert Bentley

The judge has been involved in some of the most idiotic escapades in the history of jurisprudence over his illustrious career, which has been devoted to resisting change and progress at every turn.

Judge Moore, who regularly criticizes any idea hatched after the Middle Ages, became nationally known for his refusal, in 2003, in his first term as Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, to remove a monument of the Ten Commandments from the Alabama Judicial Building despite orders to do so from a federal judge. On November 13, 2003, the Alabama Court of the Judiciary unanimously removed Moore from his post as Chief Justice on the grounds that he was “too ignorant to hold the post and was making Alabama the laughing stock of the entire country.”

On November 6, 2012, the apparently masochistic voters in the State of Alabama voted Moore back to the office of Alabama Chief Justice. He defeated Democratic candidate Bob Vance.

Recently, Moore made headlines again when in a letter to Alabama Governor Robert Bentley he urged the governor to ignore the federal ruling striking down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage. In the letter the deranged judge compared himself to abolitionists and desegregationists standing up against the “rejection of God’s law by the satanic demons currently possessing the federal judiciary.”

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The sexually insecure Moore believes that homosexuals have been sent by Satan to corrupt our children and send them straight to hell

The psychiatric team from UAB, led by Dr. Adrienne Lahti, Director for the Division of Behavioral Neurobiology, found that Judge Moore has paranoid delusions concerning the federal government and believes that he has a direct line of communication with God and Saint Peter.

“The man is unhinged,” said Lahti, in an interview with the Birmingham News. “He thinks he is some sort of holy warrior sent by God to save the state and the country from the evils of homosexuality. We think that this sexual insecurity stems from the fact that he did not get enough attention as a child.”

Dr. Andrea Dickens, Director of Psychiatric Emergency Services and part of the team that examined Judge Moore, agreed. “The man is out of his fucking mind. He’s a threat to himself and all those around him. Having him on the Alabama Supreme Court is like putting a two year old in charge of a nuclear plant. It’s insane.”

The team has recommended that Judge Moore be placed in secure institution until such time that he does not pose a threat to himself or the public, which should be just after hell freezes over.

Anti Vaxxers Choose New Convention Site

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A statement released this morning from the Criminally Negligent Parents Association announced that the annual Anti-Vaccination Convention and Voodoo Science Expo will be moved to Petersburg, Kentucky this year. The group was forced to find a new site for the event when it became apparent that the original choice, Disneyland, had become too dangerous to visit.

The anti-vaxxers will join the Dumb Ass Conspiracy Theorist’s League, the Climate Change Denier’s Guild, and the Open Carry Accidental Gunshot Wound Alliance at the Creation Museum in mid September in one big celebration of ignorance. The American Family Association has also changed the dates of its annual “Jesus Hates Fags” Homosexual Hatefest and Chili Cookoff to coincide with the event.

“We thought that combining our convention with those of like-minded organizations just made economic sense, and as far as we have been able to determine, the measles outbreak currently ravaging the west coast has not yet spread to the backwoods of Kentucky, so it should be safe,” said Jenny McCarthy, spokesperson for the organization of twits.

“The Creation Museum was the perfect choice,” said Glenn Beck, keynote speaker for the event. “Ken Ham has built a veritable altar to ignorance there in Petersburg. He, like me, has managed to build a profitable career on the utter ignorance of the American public.”

Turd McPherson, president of the Climate Change Denier’s Club, agreed. “Ken has done a great job building a child-friendly environment that erases 300 years of scientific progress. He’s gone to great lengths to replace it with superstitious nonsense out of a book written before we knew our ass from a hole in the ground.”

“We all know that the Bible says we can’t change the climate, just like we all know that Noah put giant dinosaurs on a lifeboat along with every other species of animal on the planet. It’s just common sense. Science is the real enemy in the modern world, and we have to fight it tooth and nail,” said McPherson.

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Federal authorities insisted that the convention be delayed until September so they could be ready for anything from Ebola to mass hysteria. “We just don’t know what to expect from this potentially toxic concentration of idiocy,” said Director of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson

The convention, which was originally scheduled for June, had to be delayed because federal authorities insisted on the erection of a giant electric fence encircling the museum and the entire city of Petersburg.

“We can’t take the risk that any pathogens might escape,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, Director of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. “We’re coordinating with Homeland Security and FEMA in order to reduce the chance that we might have some sort of plague outbreak that could harm the citizens of our country who actually have functioning forebrains.”

“This combined convention will be the largest concentration of dolts, cretins, morons, and dunderheads in one location that the nation has seen since the 2010 National Tea Party Convention in Dimbulb, Texas,” said FEMA Administrator Craig Fugate. “We have to be prepared for the worst.”

Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe Unable To Locate His Own Ass

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Immigration Presser

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to Senator James Inhofe are telling the Washington Post that the politician from Oklahoma is so stupid that he cannot find his ass even when he utilizes both hands.

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Senator Inhofe possesses roughly the same IQ as that of a South American tapir

“The man is as dumb as a box of rocks,” said an aide to the senator, on the condition that he remain anonymous. “He has roughly the same IQ as a tapir running around in a South American rain forest. I’m relatively new to the staff, so I don’t know how long he’s been like this, but let me tell you, the man has trouble crossing the fucking street by himself. It’s a classic case of ‘lights on-nobody home.'”

The revelation is all the more alarming because as a result of the November elections Senator Inhofe has assumed the chairmanship of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee.

“It’s like making Barney Fife secretary of defense,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey. “This guy actually believes that the Bible somehow refutes man-made climate change. He’s as bad as those savages in the Middle East that want to take us back to the 7th Century. He belongs in a mental institution or a third grade science class or anywhere other than the U.S. Senate. The man is a menace.”

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Inhofe has consistently ranked in the top ten of mentally deficient politicians over the last two decades, which calls into question the native intelligence of those who have elected the cretin to the senate four times in a row

Senator Inhofe has become famous for his idiotic statements in the past, such as the time he compared the rise of gay rights to the sinking of the Titanic. Most Americans have up to this point considered him another Tea Party type clown with the native intelligence of cement block, but many are now alarmed that he is chairman of an important committee.

Inhofe’s first act as committee chairman was to take the floor and drone on and on about how anthropologic climate change is a giant hoax perpetrated by scientists who just want funding to continue their lavish lifestyles.

“Man made climate change is just a giant conspiracy like the moon landings and the JFK assassination,” said Inhofe. “We can’t trust these scientists at all, they’re just like doctors. Everyone knows it’s better to pray to God to be healed rather than see a doctor,” raved the moron from Oklahoma.

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Most Americans have considered Inhofe a harmless buffoon from Turdflip, Oklahoma up until this point.

The senator used a video made in his garage to support his arguments. The video began with a list of people who don’t agree with the vast majority of climate scientists who say human-caused carbon emissions are contributing to climate change. Inhofe said he has compiled a list of 4,000 “renowned scientists” who disagree with the 97% of climate scientists who actually have looked at the data. Inhofe’s list actually has 650 people-not 4,000, and some of whom are television meteorologists, amateur gynecologists, pizza delivery dudes, and fry cooks at McDonalds.

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Many believe that Inhofe belongs in some mental institution or in a home for mentally challenged religious fanatics, anywhere but in a position of power

Conversely, one of the most recent peer-reviewed studies on the state of climate science showed that out of 4000 abstracts from peer-reviewed papers published in the past 21 years that stated a position on the cause of global warming — 97 percent of these endorsed the point that it was human-caused.

In the video, Inhofe says this is “just not true.” “Whoever heard of someone reviewing a paper on a pier?” said Inhofe. “Piers are for fishing.”

“With people as dumb as Inhofe in positions of power in the federal government, well, things don’t bode well for any meaningful action on climate change for at least the next two years,” said Dr. Black. “It really cements the image of the U.S. Senate as being ‘old, white, male, and stupid.’ One thing about it though, with guys like this and those idiots in the Tea Party on television every week, the Democrats are sure to do well in 2016.”

 

 

 

Jeb Bush Announces Plans To Tour America On ‘Short Bus Express’

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources within the Bush Campaign have informed several media outlets that the former governor of Florida and presidential candidate will be touring the United States in what pundits have dubbed “The Short Bus Express.” Although official tour dates have not yet been set, an aide to the former governor told reporters at the Tallahassee Cretin Gazette that a bus had already been purchased and was in the process of being repainted and prepared for travel.

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Mr. Bush is widely considered the goofiest of the Republican candidates for president

“The Governor feels that he needs to connect face to face with the citizens of this great country so he can deliver his message to Americans in a personal way,” said an aide in an interview with the Gazette. “We plan on traveling from state to state like a troop of reactionary right-wing gypsies spreading the ‘good news’ of the Republican vision for America.”

All of the archaic and antiquated policies of the standard Republican platform will be stressed, according to the aide.

“Tax breaks for the 1%, white male domination in all areas of society, denial of a woman’s right to choose under any circumstances, ignoring climate change and dangerous environmental pollutants, special compensation for giant corporations, making gay marriage illegal once and for all, suppression of minority civil rights, and destruction of our national parks through mining and oil exploration are just a few of the policies that Mr. Bush will be touting,” said the aide.

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Like most Republicans, Mr. Bush would like to roll back the clock to a simpler time before progressives destroyed the country with their godless socialist policies

“Mr. Bush is solidly behind the Republican agenda of returning America to a pre-Enlightenment society. We firmly believe that if we can just return to a medieval culture and economic system where aristocrats and the church have total control over everyone’s lives, we’ll be much better off.”

Although the bus that the campaign has purchased is rather small, there will room for three Fox News pundits and Mr. Bush’s NRA minder to travel along with the candidate.

One of the most important functions of the Fox News personnel will be to convince poor and weak minded white Americans to vote against their economic interests by playing on racial prejudice and religious beliefs leftover from the Middle Ages.

The NRA operative will be at Jeb’s side 24/7 to insure firearms manufacturers are represented and to make sure Mr. Bush supports the right of every American to be killed by an accidental gunshot wound.

Although this will be the first time Mr. Bush has sought national office, it is by no means the first time he has used a short bus for transportation, and he looks forward to the trip with great glee.

“I just can’t wait to get out there and take the pulse of the American people so I can go to Washington and completely ignore it,” said an excited Mr. Bush. “I really want to do for the whole country what I did for the great state of Florida!”

God help us all.

 

 

 

GOP Presidential Candidate Dr. Ben Carson Declared Legally Insane

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Image: 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Republican presidential candidate and well-known kook Dr. Ben Carson was declared legally insane this morning by a judge in Michigan, Carson’s home state. The judge relied on evidence given by physicians from Johns Hopkins Hospital and testimony from individuals close to the Carson campaign.

Carson’s speech to the RNC’s winter meeting outside San Diego last Thursday seems to have been the tipping point that forced aides, Republican operatives, and loved ones to take action.

In the speech, Carson compared ISIS militants to American patriots who took up arms against the British during the Revolutionary War.

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Dr. Carson made the oddball comments while addressing the RNC winter meeting in San Diego, California

“A bunch of rag-tag militiamen defeated the most powerful and professional military force on the planet,” said the unhinged neurosurgeon. “Why? Because they believed in what they were doing. They were willing to die for what they believed in. Fast forward to today. What do we have? You’ve got ISIS. They’ve got the wrong philosophy, but they’re willing to die for it while we are busily giving away every belief and every value for the sake of political correctness. We have to change that.”

Later in the speech, Carson compared Nazi SS troops to the Salvation Army and the Shining Path guerrillas to civil rights protestors in the 1960’s. Carson went on to compare Adolph Hitler to Abraham Lincoln and Pol Pot to John F. Kennedy. “You really have to admire these people for their willingness to do whatever it takes to achieve the objective,” said a sweating, trembling Dr. Carson.

“This is just one in a long series of weird, disjointed ideas emerging from Dr. Carson’s damaged brain,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey. “We’re really not sure if his mental condition is due to environmental pollutants or a series of mild strokes. We think that the damage has been done over the last decade or so, because it would be almost impossible for someone this wacked-out to make it through medical school.”

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Dr. Carson is one of those fruitcakes that believes the earth is only 6000 years old and Noah put dinosaurs on the Ark. “He’s one crazy motherfucker,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Banzai Institute

Dr. Carson continues to insist ad nauseam that he is “completely rational and perfectly sane.” He has appeared to protest his abuse by the “liberal media” on several Fox News programs such as the O’Reilly Factor, a right-wing apologist show that is a favorite in whites-only nursing homes across the United States.

“Well of course the dude is going claim he’s sane and everything is a liberal conspiracy,” said Dr. Black. “When was the last time you heard a psychopath tell you he was nuts and danger to society? I mean, this guy thinks the earth is 6000 years old, Noah put dinosaurs on the Ark, and America is the modern incarnation of Nazi Germany. He’s a fucking freak!”

Dr. Carson will be placed in McClean Mental Hospital in Boston for a minimum of one month while he undergoes further testing and observation. The staff there has already arranged for a series of town hall-style debates between him and Secretary of State John Kerry, who was admitted only last week. The debates will no doubt be wildly entertaining, considering the fact that one guy is a goofball and the other a raving lunatic. The debates will be moderated by Vice President Joe Biden, who is the only person on the planet fully qualified to understand the two men.

An aide to Dr. Carson told the Washington Post that the decision to place the Tea Party favorite in a mental hospital would in no way affect his candidacy for the presidency. “Since when has being legally insane been a problem for GOP candidates? We have just as good a chance at the nomination as any of those other wing nuts.”

Secretary Of State John Kerry To Take Leave Of Absence

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John Kerry

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest announced that John Kerry will be taking time off his duties as secretary of state so that he can be given a thorough psychological examination at McClean Hospital in Boston. After the examination Mr. Kerry will be closely observed by a team of mental health professionals for an undetermined period in order to ascertain just how unhinged the former senator from Massachusetts has become.

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Mr. Kerry reportedly attempted to recruit perennial French favorite Jerry Lewis to make the trip but was told by the 88 year old comedian that he was “out of his fucking mind.”

The action by the White House comes on the heels of Mr. Kerry’s visit to Paris where he attempted to make up for the lack of representation from the United States at the “free speech solidarity march” attended by millions in the streets of Paris last Sunday. Mr. Kerry was accompanied by singer/songwriter James Taylor, who sang “You’ve Got a Friend” to puzzled and confused French government officials and prominent citizens.

In a muddled and seemingly unending statement made before the trip, Mr. Kerry had told reporters in the United States that he wanted to give the French people a “big hug.”

The trip and mini-concert by Taylor has been criticized and mocked by almost every media outlet in the free world, and has given new fodder for the right-wing and the kooks over at Fox News to use against President Obama in their ongoing campaign to turn him into some sort of Antichrist.

 

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To make up for Lewis’ absence in Paris, Mr. Kerry appeared in costume and told a few jokes in an attempt to cheer up the French people

“The President would just like to make it clear that this whole James Taylor thing was Secretary Kerry’s doing,” said Earnest. “We had nothing to do with it. We have no clue what, if anything, was going on inside Mr. Kerry’s small mind when he decided to drag that dude out of whatever basement he was mouldering in. I never thought the guy was that good when he was in his prime, much less now.”

 

“As soon as Mr. Kerry is deemed to longer be a threat to himself or those around him he will be allowed to return to his duties,” continued Earnest. “We don’t want to have to go through the process of selecting a new secretary of state this late in the term. The folks over at McClean will give him top notch care and as many meds as he needs. Besides, no one is going to miss him for a few weeks anyway.”

 

Jesus Distances Himself From State Lawmakers

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ROME, ITALY (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly outside the Roma Convention Centre and Exhibition Hall to talk to reporters today regarding the irritating rash of “Religious Freedom Restoration” acts sweeping the country in recent weeks. It seems the Messiah is more than a little irritated with right-wing lawmakers in state houses across America.

“I’d just like to say that these so-called ‘religious freedom acts’ are no more than thinly veiled attempts by pseudo Christians to codify their bigotry and hatred into law,” said the Son of God. “If these people can’t serve homosexuals or gay couples in their various businesses because it offends their so-called ‘faith’, then that faith is not worth a hoot in Hell.”

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This year Jesus brought his Messiahraptor with him in order to avoid another terrible experience trying to hail a taxi in convention traffic

“These talking monkey politicians should be a little bit more interested in helping their fellow humans in any way they can rather than telling others who the hell they can sleep with and marry,” said the Prince of Peace. “If you cretins think that Dad and I sit up there and scrutinize every action you people take down here and worry about your damn sexual preferences, well then you’ve got another thing coming. We’ve got slightly better things to do. After all, we manage the entire universe for Heaven’s sake. Who the hell do you think we are, the NSA?”

“Let me make this clear for about the millionth time in 2000 years: I don’t like bigots, racists, homophobes, or assholes in general. I already have to take a fist full of antacids every day to get over the nausea caused by the actions you cretins take in my name. Please start behaving yourselves or prepare to suffer the consequences. I made a brief visit to Hell myself a while back, and believe me, Lucifer has plenty of room for all you miscreants!”

“Now you’ll have to excuse me because I’ve got to mosey on over to the Vatican so I can jerk a knot in Francis’ tail regarding the limits of free speech. You people just wear my ass out sometimes.”

The Lord of Light and Lamb of God was in town promoting the new Birkenstock line of “Wandering Zealot” sandals at the 2015 Saints and Prophets New Product Expo held annually at the Roma Convention Centre. He is expected to leave on Sunday after Mass, and as usual no one knows when he will be coming back.

 

Cretonia’s Finest On ‘High Alert’ In Wake Of Paris Attacks

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TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In response to last week’s Paris attacks, Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott ordered all of Florida’s gazillion law enforcement personnel to assume a “heightened state of readiness” today in a bid to keep the state free of foreign terrorists. In addition, Scott ordered elite units to be prepared and ready to assist police and sheriff’s departments around the state should the threat of Islamic terror rear its ugly toweled head in the Sunshine State.

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Members of the Walton County Hostage Rescue Squad drill just outside city hall in downtown Defuniak Springs

SWAT teams, the Florida Highway Patrol, drug enforcement units, and “grouper troopers” now stand ready to cooperate with the FBI, ATF, DEA, and even the IRS should any of Cretonia’s treasures such as Disney World, Busch Gardens, or the Snake-A-Torium in Panama City Beach be threatened.

Scott even scraped the bottom of the barrel of law enforcement by diverting 50% of the state’s 2.6 million probation officers from their regular duties to help in the effort.

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Bay County Sheriff R. W. Scotum told Action News in Panama City that his men were ready for anything. “Ain’t nothing gettin’ past my boys,” said Scrotum. “I’ll be damned if we’re gonna let ’em institute Sharina law in my hometown!”

Instead of shuffling papers around, infiltrating AA meetings, and watching past offenders urinate, the po’s will be driving around aimlessly looking for suspicious behavior, which is a full-time job in a state literally brimming with meth-crazed rednecks, white supremacists, trigger happy open carry nut jobs, and drunken teenagers from every state in the union.

“We are using all the manpower we can muster to keep those dirty Muslims out of our pristine state,” said Scott.

Of particular concern to the serpent-headed chief executive is the dystopian hellscape known as the Florida panhandle, a place where some of the dumbest primates ever to roam the earth call home.

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Members of the Bay County Drug Task Force undergo remedial survival training at the Jungle Warfare School in the swamps east of Ebro Dog Track

“As you all know, the panhandle acts as a powerful magnet for anyone on earth who has an “L” stamped on his or her forehead,” said the governor, as his scales began to glow and pulsate. “It has the highest rate of idiocy per capita that has ever been measured by researchers. With that in mind, I have personally contacted the sheriffs of all the panhandle counties and emphatically expressed our concerns, and although I had to repeat myself several times and use simple terms a third-grader could understand, I think they got the message.”

In Bay County, Sheriff R.W. Scrotum told WJHG Newschannel 7 in Panama City that “We’ve done prepared for any contingency that might happen out thar. Billy Bob has greased the treads of the tank and I ordered the mechanics to change the oil in our armored personnel carrier and get it ready to roll. We got the “General Lee” (Bay County’s drone) up flyin’ around 24/7 lookin’ for camels, women wearin’ burkas, or any males with towels wrapped around their heads. We’re ready!”

An aide to Governor Scott told reporters on the capital steps that authorities have assured the governor’s office that law enforcement, with the help of FEMA, is ready to handle any unmitigated horror that might befall the state, be it a hurricane, tidal wave, terrorist attack, or even Governor Scott’s reelection to office.

 

Birmingham City Football Club To Change Nickname

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BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND (CT&P) – The Birmingham City Football Club has announced that it will be changing its nickname from “The Blues” to “The Mullahs” in order to better reflect the religious makeup of the town and its supporters.

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Birmingham City manager Gary Rowettallah thinks the name change is a “win-win” for both the club and its radical Islamist fan base.

The club is a professional association football club based in the city of Birmingham, England. They compete in the Football League Championship, the second tier of league football in England. Formed in 1875 as Small Heath Alliance, they became Small Heath in 1888, then Birmingham in 1905. They finally changed their names to Birmingham City in 1943, so they are no strangers to name changes. However, this is the first time the club has seen fit to change its nickname.

“I think the ownership believed it was time to more accurately reflect the cultural makeup of the city, the club, and its fans,” said Amir Gary Abhib Rowettallah, the club’s manager. “We also think that it could help us to intimidate teams coming here to play from predominantly Christian areas throughout England and Wales.”

The owners also have plans for a new stadium to be built on the current site of Birmingham Cathedral, which will be bulldozed this spring to make way for a new state of the art facility dubbed “New Mecca.”

The team’s new slogan will be “Keep Right On Killing.”

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Rowdy Blues fans celebrate outside St Andrews after Saturday’s 3-1 victory over Wigan Athletic. After the proposed changes they’ll be able to bring their firearms into the stadium rather than having to check them at the gate.

Other changes include a new ordinance banning women from attending games, new goal celebrations featuring the firing of AK-47’s into the air, and gala halftime beheadings of infidels who wander into the city centre by mistake.

“I think it’s a win-win for the team and the fans,” said Rowettallah. “Plus, the new black on black uniforms with white Arabic script are really cool!”

However, not everyone is happy with the change. The current leader of the Church of England Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby commented, “This is what happens when immigration policy runs amok. It’s only a matter of time before we’re watching the Tottenham Terrorists versus the Southampton Sunnis on the telly. It’s a disgrace to all Christendom!”