Category Archives: politics

Experts Believe Bachmann Running Dangerously Low On Power

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Experts from several university research groups around the world are warning U.S. government officials that Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) may be rapidly approaching the end of her battery life. If this occurs, the researchers warn, Bachmann’s operating system will automatically switch over to emergency reserve power, which will only keep her body alive. What little brain function she has left will cease altogether, making her an unpredictable killing machine with the strength of a psychotic chimpanzee.

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Bachmann’s erratic behavior, crazy ideas, and terrifying facial expressions mirror those of earlier android models designed by East German scientists shortly after World War II

“This is what happens when ex-Nazis from the Soviet bloc throw together an android from used truck parts and old adding machines,” said Professor Stephen Roberts of the Department of Engineering Science, University of Oxford. “You get a barely functional robot that is a danger to all of humanity. Sure, she looks human on the outside, but her prefrontal cortex is little more than a jumble of loose wires, nuts, and bolts. What amazed us was that those crazy Americans could be so dense as to choose her to represent them in Congress.”

Although Bachmann has been highly erratic and shown little ability to reason throughout her political career, she was never thought to be a danger to those around her or the general public. Most people who heard her weird ideas and imbecilic statements just ignored her like they would a mentally challenged third-grader. That could change if her batteries totally fail and she switches to emergency power, according to Professor Roberts.

Michele Bachmann as a Zombie - photo illustration by Charles George

Professor Roberts warned Pentagon officials that Bachmann could become a mindless killing machine not unlike the zombies on the Walking Dead

“She’s already showing signs of a complete mental shutdown,” said Roberts. “Last week she appeared before the House and claimed to be some kind of Biblical ‘lawgiver’ before starting a mad rant about Moses and John Boehner. Then, at a Christmas party over the weekend Bachmann begged your President Obama to incinerate Iran ‘just to be on the safe side.’ Only yesterday she appeared on the Laura “I Hate Children” Ingraham radio show foaming at the mouth about executive actions on immigration. I’m telling you, the woman is dangerous.”

“If this deranged individual’s batteries fail altogether, she could become a mindless killing machine with the strength of six men,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, who is in Oxford on loan from the Banzai Institute in New Jersey. “We are really keen to see what happens, so we can more accurately predict what is going to happen when other feeble-minded androids such as Ted Cruz and Louie Gohmert lose power.”

Both professors recommended that for the safety of her family and the American public, Rep. Bachmann should be physically restrained and placed in a controlled environment so she could be observed around the clock.

When reached for comment on Bachmann’s recent ravings, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) remarked, “Look, I’m just glad that crazy bitch will no longer be my responsibility. Maybe I’ll be able to back off the smokes and scotch a little once she’s gone.”

 

 

Satan Confirms Dick Cheney’s Reservation In Hell

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Vice President Cheney Criticizes Democrats Iraq Spending Bill

THE RIVER STYX, HELL (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning, Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, confirmed that Dick Cheney, former vice president of the United States and giant bipedal penis, will be spending eternity roasting in the fires of Hell.

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Mr. Cheney has already extended his life on earth once, agreeing to trade his black soul for a healthy heart. Lord Balthazar assured reporters that this will not happen again.

“I just wanted to make it clear to the American public that this asshole will not get away with his crimes against humanity,” said Satan. “I am well aware that the entire free world wants to put this bastard on trial for his crimes along with a host of other government employees including CIA officers who carried out war crimes in the name of revenge and some sort of perverse ‘justice.’ However, we all know that the current administration lacks the testicles to do so,” said the Prince of Darkness.

“I however, have no such qualms. Mr. Cheney will be receiving hourly refreshment via his rectum in the not too distant future, and that’s just the start of the fun for this dirty, filthy, lying son of a bitch.”

The Devil was not specific as to when Mr. Cheney will assume room temperature and begin his infinitely long sentence, but Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told journalists that we should not have to wait very long, as His Majesty will not be making any more deals with Cheney for new heart muscles ripped from the innocent in order to prolong his miserable life.

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The Prince of Darkness wanted to assure all Americans and citizens of earth that he would soon be “getting medieval” on Cheney’s pompous ass.

Lord Balthazar also said that many of the CIA’s apologists like Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) better see the light and pray for forgiveness or they will soon be in the same boat with Mr. Cheney.

Lord Balthazar said that Mephistopheles had instructed Charon to charter an extra-large boat from Carnival Cruise lines so that no one would be left out of the upcoming crossing into the depths of Hell.

Fox News Pundits Outraged Over New Legislation

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Fox News anchors and pundits reacted angrily to the recent passage of H.R. 5739, or the “No Social Security for Nazis Act,” which sailed through the House and Senate with unanimous votes last week. The bill was an attempt to close a loophole that has been around for decades which allowed former Nazis to receive Social Security benefits.

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Giant horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly told his viewers that it was unfair that Fox pundits were singled out in the legislation. “Some of our token pseudo liberals on Fox will be needing that money as they grow older,” said O’Reilly.

Bill O’Reilly called the act an “absolute outrage,” and Sean Hannity told his dozens of viewers that the act was “just another example of President Obama taking matters into his own hands and acting like a king” by pushing the “prejudiced and racist” legislation through Congress.

It seems that after World War II the U.S. government offered many ex-Nazis social security benefits as long as they agreed to move and live outside the U.S. on a permanent basis. Many ex-Nazis took the deal and have been living in countries all over the world for years while receiving taxpayer money courtesy of the State Department.

The bill was obviously very popular with legislators as no one wanted to be seen as supporting retired concentration camp guards and members of the Waffen SS.

However, the bill will also have the effect of denying benefits to any current Nazi Party members, which includes up to 90% of Fox News’ on air talent.

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Fading talent Sean Hannity also reacted angrily to the legislation. “This is all part of the Benghazi-Ebola conspiracy meant to bring down our Reich, uh, I mean our country,” said Hannity, as spittle flew from his mouth.

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes told Reuters that the legislation was almost surely unconstitutional.

“We at Fox believe that denying a minority group social security benefits simply because of their beliefs or form of employment is un-American and undermines the foundations of this great country,” said Ailes. “There is nothing we can do about this legislation, but I firmly believe that the broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. Therefore in the long run we will prevail and reverse this miscarriage of justice.”

Ailes went on to say that he believed that “through the clever and constant use of propaganda, the American people would be made to see paradise as hell, and also the other way around, to consider the most wretched form of life as paradise.”

Ailes also said that he would like to see the United States annex the Sudetenland sometime early next year.

 

St Louis County Prosecutor Robert McCulloch To Be Promoted

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ST LOUIS, MISSOURI (CT&P) – Frank Ancona, president of the Missouri chapter of the Traditionalist Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, based in Park Hills, Missouri, has announced that St Louis County Prosecutor Robert McCulloch will be promoted to the level of “Grand Imperial Anus” of the KKK at a gala pageant over the Christmas holidays.

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Ogre and pompous ass Robert McCulloch has for many years aspired to be a giant asshole and was overcome with emotion when he was told he would soon hold the title of Grand Imperial Anus

Ancona, who made headlines recently by threatening “lethal force” against Ferguson protestors, told Chris Hayes of MSNBC that the group was “proud beyond words” of McCulloch’s handling of the grand jury in the Darren Wilson case.

Wilson, who gunned down unarmed black teenager Michael Brown on a street corner in Ferguson earlier this year, was not charged with a damn thing for his reckless actions.

“We need more guys like Bob in local and state government,” said Ancona. “He really knows how to treat these mongrels that pollute our country with their thuggish music and filthy black skin. I’m proud to call him a member of our group and I think that he will handle the added responsibility of being a giant anus like real pro.”

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Murderous cop Darren Wilson will be awarded the “James Earl Ray Proficiency in Firearms Award” despite the fact that he had to empty an entire clip into Brown in order to bring him down

Ancona also mentioned that Darren Wilson, a longtime member of the organization, will be receiving the James Earl Ray Award for Proficiency in the Use of Firearms, even though it took around a dozen rounds to “bring down that giant nigger.”

Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson and the entire overwhelmingly white police force are also slated to be honored at the banquet.

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The gala awards banquet will be held in the Missouri countryside and everyone is invited as long as you are not a nigger, Jew, fag, or gypsy

“We wanted to honor Chief Jackson and his boys for the brutal way in which they dealt with the protests after the ‘turkey shoot,'” said Ancona.

“This whole episode shows what a town and county can accomplish when a white police chief, a white police force, a white prosecutor, and a white governor can get together to protect a white police officer when he murders an unarmed black teenager in broad daylight. It really reinforces the great pride I have in this wonderful country in which we live.”

 

 

Enraged By Ferguson Decision, Godzilla Comes Ashore And Destroys Tokyo

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TOKYO (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting that approximately one hour after the announcement that Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson would not be indicted for the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown, a furious Godzilla waded ashore from Tokyo Bay and began to destroy the city.

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Godzilla made a brief side trip to Fukushima and enjoyed an extra-large cesium-137 smoothie before returning to Tokyo to wreak havoc

Witnesses reported that Godzilla used his patented heat ray along with his massive feet to create a swathe of destruction five miles wide and around fifteen miles long in and around the city.

Japanese authorities used every weapon at their disposal including white cops in riot gear in an attempt to stop the gargantuan reptile but nothing seemed to have any effect on the creature. U.S. troops stationed in and around the home island joined in the battle but Godzilla seemed unaffected by even the most modern weapons.

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Godzilla told reporters that he did not want his son growing up in a world full of white bigots. He said his next target will be Fox News headquarters in New York

“Most of Tokyo now lies in ruins,” said a tearful Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. “Godzilla showed no mercy this time. He just walked out of the sea and tore our city all to hell! He even destroyed Ray’s Sushi and Comfort Woman Bar in Shinjuk. Now I have no idea where I’ll go to relieve the stress that builds up from this fucking job. First Fukushima and now this. Can’t those idiot Americans get their act together? I mean Jesus!”

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Godzilla addressed the media from a sandbar in Tokyo Bay

After a full night of unbridled destruction, Godzilla returned to Tokyo bay where he held a brief press conference before returning to the depths.

“The situation in Ferguson reflects the entrenched white male power structure in the United States,” said Godzilla. “It appears that Missouri has made no progress since the days of Jim Crow. I fully expect this kind of thing from that dystopian hellscape they call Florida, but Missouri? I thought those folks were better than that. I guess it’s open season on unarmed black kids in America.”

When asked why he destroyed a Japanese city instead of heading up the Mississippi River to St. Louis, Godzilla replied that it was just force of habit.

This is the 47th time Godzilla has destroyed the Japanese capital.

Republicans Propose Radically Different Immigration Reform Plan

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Outraged by President Obama’s executive orders on immigration, Republican lawmakers, with the full support of their right-wing Christian base, have proposed a different plan to deal with the almost five million undocumented immigrants currently residing in the United States.

The plan calls for a significant percentage of the “illegals” to be executed immediately as a terrifying example to all those wishing to enter this country in search of a better life. The remainder of the “shiftless job-stealing cretins” would be rounded up and forced back across the border at gunpoint.

Possibly the most ambitious part of the proposal calls for a 20 foot high wall adorned with pikes to be built along our southern border. The severed heads of those trying to cross the border illegally would be placed on the decorative pikes as a reminder to those who would try to enter in the future.

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The new Republican proposal would include a 20 foot high wall along our southern border adorned with severed heads in order to stress the fact that America was founded on “Christian principles.”

Nan Hypocritus, president and managing director of Christians Against Compassion and Empathy, an anti-immigrant group, told Reuters that her group was incredulous that President Obama would take such drastic unilateral action so close to the holidays.

“Thanksgiving is just next week, and Christmas is just around the corner!” said Hypocritus. “How dare he throw a wrench into the sacred holiday season by showing love and compassion to a group of brown people? We Christians have better things to do than worry about protecting immigrants from being torn away from their families and deported to God knows where! We have shopping to do and we are just getting geared up to act like a persecuted minority over the whole ‘War On Christmas’ fantasy! This is just outrageous!”

Although similar executive actions regarding immigration were taken by Republican presidents in the past, G.O.P. leaders are beside themselves over Obama’s orders and vow to make the new proposal law in the near future.

Speaker of the House John Boehner has lumped the new “Final Solution” Immigration Reform Bill in with an omnibus spending package that also features the repeal of Obamacare, mandatory fracking in national parks, the elimination of the EPA and the Department of Education, and the death penalty for Hillary Clinton for her role in the Benghazi conspiracy.

 

 

 

 

Homophobe Bryan Fischer To Be Fitted With Experimental New Muzzle

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Experts have postulated that Fischer’s archaic beliefs and rampant homophobia have something to do with his lifelong battle with constipation

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Right-wing radio host and American Family Association Spokesman Bryan Fischer will be fitted with an experimental new muzzle that will deliver an electric shock to the unhinged pundit whenever he says something incredibly stupid or hateful, according to AFA President Tim Wildmon.

“We have tolerated this idiot long enough,” said Wildmon, during an interview with Jesus Daily, a national tabloid devoted to all things Jesus. “He’s running off donors right and left with this obsession he has with homosexuals. He can’t even complete a sentence on the air without talking about gay marriage, sodomites, or homosexual behavior. I’m starting to think that the old geezer needs psychiatric treatment.”

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The experimental muzzle has only been tried before on serial killers and Dear Leader Kim Jong-un’s pet Alsatians that are regularly used to rip political opponents to shreds after being covered in Hardee’s biscuit gravy

The tipping point for Wildmon’s decision to use the device, which has only been used before to train political execution dogs in North Korea, was apparently Fischer’s wild rant on his radio show over the weekend.

During a half-crazed 15 minute diatribe about God and gays, Fischer, like so many other evangelicals, pretended to know the mind of God and insisted that the omniscient and all-powerful deity was just as infatuated with homosexuality as he is.

During the borderline psychotic episode Fischer defended his Neolithic opposition to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights, arguing that anti-LGBT sentiment was a “natural revulsion.”

Fischer told his “Focal Point” listeners that the term “sodomy” has become culturally obsolete since “it’s an ugly word, because it refers to an ugly practice.”

“It’s not the word, it’s what it describes, it’s what it refers to,” he said. “We have a natural revulsion to that kind of behavior just as God does. We got that from God. God reacts the same way to homosexual behavior, to sodomy, as we do.”

One caller objected to Fischer’s observations, pointing out that the same God that created straights undoubtedly created gays as well, and besides, watching Bryan Fischer have heterosexual sex would be far more revolting than sodomy could ever be.

Apparently Tim Wildmon agreed with the caller because immediate action is being taken to bring the unhinged and sexually insecure Fischer to heel.

Wildmon told reporters that it would probably take few days to get the voltages and fit just right on the new muzzle, but we should expect to hear a much more reasonable Bryan Fischer over the airwaves sometime late next week.

Harlem Pastor Exposes Starbucks Sinister Sodomite Semen Scheme

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NEW YORK (CT&P) – Last Wednesday during his online radio show, Pastor James David Manning of the ATLAH Worldwide Calvary Missionary Outreach of Our Lady of the Impure Latte Church, exposed yet another fiendish conspiracy perpetrated on the American public by the dark forces attempting to turn us all gay.

This week the unhinged pastor has convinced himself that Starbucks is adding “sodomite semen” to lattes in order to control American’s sexual preferences.

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Pastor Manning is pictured here giving his weekly online address from the utility closet of a Harlem barber shop. The pastor has consistently refused treatment for a brain tumor in his prefrontal cortex that continues to grow at an alarming rate.

“My suspicion is that they’re getting this semen from sodomites,” said Pastor Manning. “That’s what my suspicion is. My suspicion is that semen, like cord blood, has millions and millions of little zygotes in it, and it flavors up the coffee. And it makes you think you’re having a good time drinking that cup of latte with the semen in it.”

He then claimed that the story was the reason he was criticized for calling the company “ground zero for Ebola,” calling their clientele “generally upscaled [sic] sodomites” who go there to “exchange a lot of body fluids.”

“Now I know why I don’t go to Starbucks,” Manning said. “But now I know why these other untoward types hang around that Starbucks. This investigation has not been closed as of yet.”

Indeed, the investigation is ongoing, and Pastor Manning has put some of his top woefully uneducated researchers in charge of the ongoing probe.

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Pastor Manning was a close confidant and friend of the Reverend Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church fame. Fred is seen here as he receives his third barbed-wire enema of the morning as he spends eternity in Hell.

“We postulate that the zygotes act on the nervous system and put you to sleep while a pod is formed nearby, and when you wake up, you’re a flaming fag with an insatiable thirst for lattes,” said Manning.

This is not the first conspiracy that the right reverend has uncovered. He was the first radio personality to reveal that aliens were urinating in McDonald’s soft drinks, and he also exposed the deadly plan by the Obama Administration to introduce Ebola to the nation’s food supply by contaminating Hardee’s breakfast biscuits.

Pastor Manning, also known as “that black kook from Harlem,” is scheduled to appear on the Bill O’Relly show next month as part of Fox’s ongoing coverage of the imaginary “War on Christmas.” He is expected to reveal the ringleaders of a nationwide conspiracy to ruin Christmas by contaminating the Strategic Eggnog Reserve (SER) with fecal material from atheists.

Mad Scientist To Announce Candidacy For President

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson, former neurosurgeon and current right-wing kook will announce his intention to run for the Republican presidential nomination this weekend, according to his long-time aide and press secretary Igor.

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Dr. Carson’s longtime aide and press secretary Igor was the product of one of the unhinged physician’s early experimental surgeries.

At a press conference on the steps of Carson’s underground laboratory in rural Virginia, Igor told a group of reporters that Dr. Carson will release a 40 minute video that will outline his policy stances and beliefs so that voters will be able to “get to know him better.” Igor said that Carson hopes that those voters who are not taken aback, shocked, or downright terrified by what they see and hear on the video will go to the polls and support him during the Republican primaries.

Dr. Carson rose to fame within the batshit crazy wing of the Republican Party after an appearance at the National Prayer Breakfast during which he compared Obamacare to slavery, showing a grasp of American history roughly equivalent to that of an average house cat.

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Dr. Carson is a charter member of the creepy group of idiots that think human beings once walked side-by-side with dinosaurs.

Dr. Carson, who does not believe in evolution, is a strong supporter of the group of raving lunatics who support “Young Earth” creationist theory, a concept with absolutely no scientific fact to back it up. Carson has also referred to abortion as “human sacrifice,” and has compared homosexuality with bestiality and pedophilia.

Carson also wants to abolish Medicare and Medicaid, replace welfare with private charity, and institute a flat income tax, presumably because Jesus was such a strong critic of the poor and less fortunate.

Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker phoned Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey for more insight into Dr. Carson’s troubled psyche.

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Not all of Carson’s surgeries were considered successful. Americans are still suffering the results of his attempt to provide Representative Louie Gohmert (seen here on right) with a bride of roughly equal intelligence

“Anyone with a fully functional pre-frontal cortex will no doubt be shocked and disgusted with Carson’s vision of America,” said Hikita. “I really fail to understand how any respectable medical school would loose this madman on the American public. I mean, how can you actually graduate from university and medical school and not believe in something as obvious as evolution?”

Professor Hikita was even more perturbed by Carson’s insane ideas regarding the age of the earth.

“Dr. Carson is one of those ignorant twits that believes the earth is about 6,000 years old,” said Hikita. “That’s the same bunch of hucksters that want us to believe that Jesus and the disciples cruised around Palestine on the backs of dinosaurs. It’s insane. The next thing you know that creepy ass Ken Ham will be running for political office in Kentucky. It may be time to start making sure your passport is in order. If this group ever gains the White House civilization could grind to a halt overnight.”

Although most pundits give Carson roughly a snowball’s chance in Hell of being elected president, stranger things have happened. After all, the normally lucid citizens of Minnesota’s 6th District actually elected a barely functional android, Michele Bachmann, to represent them in Congress.

 

Satan Said To Be ‘Absolutely Delighted’ With Election Results

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THE RIVER STYX, HELL (CT&P) – At an early morning press conference just outside the gates of Hell, Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters that Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld and Prince of Darkness, was “positively euphoric” over the results in yesterday’s midterm elections.

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Lord Balthazar told reporters that he had not seen Satan more excited and pleased with a takeover since the early 40’s.

“His Majesty Lord Satan could not be happier,” said Balthazar. “Beelzebub believes that these results represent an overwhelming victory for the forces of darkness and will set the United States back decades on important issues such as racial hatred, fear of immigrants, climate change, health care, and women’s rights. With any luck, these fine new elected officials will be able to reverse the current progressive trends that have alarmed all of us down in Hades.”

Balthazar went on to say that Mephistopheles was hopeful that the archaic and draconian policies that the new officeholders support could be used to roll back recent gains made by supporters of gay marriage, enlightened drug policy, and intelligent foreign policy that has so far prevented another ground war in the Middle East.

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In a written statement Satan said that he was sorry he could not appear in person but he could not take time out from his hectic schedule of appearances at Republican fundraisers.

“Lord Apollyon is literally on Cloud Nine,” said Balthazar. “He feels that the election results show once and for all that a well-financed campaign based on fear mongering and hateful rhetoric will sway an unenlightened electorate, just like we have always said it would. He told me in private that now money will surely edge out Ebola, ISIS, and wheat gluten to take its rightful place as the root of all evil in America.”

Lord Balthazar concluded the press conference by telling reporters that although the stars were not as favorably aligned for the 2016 election, Old Nick felt that if supplied with enough cash from earth-dwelling demons such as the Koch brothers, any one of the current GOP Neanderthal candidates for president could give Hillary a run for her money.

“We remain optimistic about 2016,” concluded Balthazar. “Propaganda is a powerful tool to use on an uneducated public, and as the master himself once said, we should ‘think of the press as a great keyboard on which the government can play.’ We feel that as long as our allies such as Fox News can keep their ratings up, there will be enough numbnut voters out there to get our candidate elected president in 2016.”