Category Archives: politics

Sunshine State Shocker: Governor Rick Scott Puts Human Life Ahead Of Cash

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rickscott777

 

TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – In what pundits are calling the biggest about-face in political history, Florida Governor Rick Scott has suspended fees on all toll roads in the path of Hurricane Matthew.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said an incredulous Susan McManus of the University of South Florida. “Throughout his private and public life Governor Scott has been a money-grubbing bastard the likes of which the world has never seen. No way I’m believing Scott is putting human life ahead of cold hard cash.”

“This is the same man who oversaw the greatest Medicare ripoff in history,” said McManus. “I mean he went to every extreme to screw taxpayers and line his own pockets when he was running Columbia/HCA. He was known informally as “the king of fraud” within the healthcare industry.

“It was even rumored that he had people disemboweled on some kind of weird altar when they refused to go along with his schemes. I just find it hard to believe that the bastard is not trying to cash in on this hurricane. Someone needs to check out this toll booth scheme. I guarantee there’s something in it for Little Ricky.”

At a noon press conference an official from the Florida Division of Emergency Management clarified the toll road situation by saying that only white people or registered Republicans would be exempt from toll fees. All others would have to show a special identification card to use the roads.

The official said that the cards would be available free of charge at all Florida DMV offices provided the applicant presented a birth certificate and 14 other forms of identification.

 

FEMA Director Warns Florida Residents Hurricane Matthew Even More Dangerous Than Governor Scott

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rick55

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Director of FEMA Craig Fugate held a press conference this morning and announced that Hurricane Matthew posed a grave threat to life and limb along the east coast of Florida. He warned that Matthew had the potential to be even more destructive than Florida Governor Rick Scott, one of the most catastrophic leaders the state has ever seen.

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Governor Scott, a descendant of the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl, regularly sacrifices immigrants on an altar in the basement of the governor’s mansion.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but Matthew could cause even more heartache and loss than Governor Scott’s disastrous six-year reign of terror,” warned Fugate. “We just can’t afford to underestimate the power of this storm. If we get a direct hit it could kill more people than Scott’s refusal to expand Medicaid.”

Fugate also warned that the destruction of property could be even worse than that caused by Scott’s mule-headed refusal to believe in climate change, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“This storm could do more damage to the great State of Florida than Scott’s redistricting amendments and his attempts to deny black folks the vote combined,” said an emotional Fugate, who hails from the Gunshine State.

“Everyone should take this storm seriously and evacuate to safer, more stable areas such as Georgia or Somalia. Haven’t we suffered enough in recent years?”

Governor Scott could not immediately be reached for comment on Fugate’s remarks as he was busy conducting a human sacrifice in an attempt to appease the Aztec goddess of storms, Chalchiuhtlicue.

Subhuman Monster Declares Trump An ‘Absolute Genius’

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nosferatu-1

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Yesterday hideous throwback and miscreant Rudy Giuliani called Donald Trump an ‘absolute genius’ for losing 916 million dollars in a boom market and then writing it off so he could avoid paying taxes for over a decade.

Giuliani, an almost universally despised human lamprey who has feasted on the blood of 9/11 victims for fifteen years, removed Trump’s penis from his fang-filled mouth long enough to defend him over and over again on a variety of Sunday shows, proving yet again that he will do anything for fame and fortune.

“The man’s a genius,” said the Trump Campaign’s lead adviser on bigotry and racism on CNN’s “State of the Union.” “He knows how to operate the tax code for the people who he’s serving, even if all those people happen to be Donald Trump,” as he wiped blood from his chin.

In this case, Mr. Giuliani added, Mr. Trump had simply acted as any bloodthirsty capitalist leech would in order to save money for his enterprises. Mr. Trump’s investors, he added, could have brought legal action or even sent former KGB assassins against Mr. Trump had he not taken advantage of the tax law’s provisions to avoid taxation.

But in an ABC News interview, Mr. Giuliani, sounding increasingly frayed, offered a remark that focused explicitly on Mrs. Clinton’s gender.

“Don’t you think a giant orange douche of a man who has this kind of economic genius is a lot better for the United States than some bitch who can’t even make it to her vehicle?” he asked.

Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey, another ass licking adviser to Mr. Trump, argued that rather than demonstrating any kind of malfeasance, the tax records published by The Times showed Mr. Trump to be singularly qualified to overhaul the federal tax code so that the rich could steal even more cash from hardworking Americans.

Mr. Christie, who has been assigned his own zip code by the U.S. Postal Service because of his enormous fat ass said the documents supporting the report illustrated Mr. Trump’s great success in crushing the little guy while raking in as much money as possible for himself and wealthy investors.

“This is a guy who, when lots of businesses went out of business in the early 1990s, fought and clawed back to build another fortune, to create tens of thousands of more jobs, so he could fuck those people as well, and I absolutely adore him for it,” Mr. Christie said on “Fox News Sunday.”

“This is actually a very, very good story for Donald Trump,” he added. “We can spin it in very creative ways so it looks like we actually care about ‘Joe Six Pack.’ After all, most of Trump’s supporters don’t have the sense God gave a goat, so they’re easily fooled.”

ISIS Unleashes Infamous Dumpster Bomber On U.S.

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dumpster-1

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A massive manhunt began on Monday morning as the FBI announced the identity of a suspect wanted for questioning in connection with weekend explosions in New York and New Jersey.

The identification of 28-year-old Ahmad Khan Rahami, a U.S. citizen born in Afghanistan, sparked a frenzied search around the region, as officials suggested that as many as four separate incidents could be linked, and may have been connected to an international network.

Mr. Rahami, known in his native Afghanistan as the “Corpulent Sheik,” is 5’6″ inches tall and weighs over 200 lbs. Rahami is well-known to intelligence sources in Kabul where he has destroyed or badly damaged over 300 dumpsters using explosive devices made from various cooking utensils.

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At 5’6” and 200 lbs, Rahami is known in his native Afganistan as the “Corpulent Sheik.” His signature weapon is the common pressure cooker which he uses to cook all his meals. After each attack the nauseating stench of rancid goat flesh permeates the blast zone.

“Rahami should be considered armed and dangerous,” said a CIA operative on condition of anonymity. “The public should at all costs avoid loitering or passing out in dark, filthy alleys behind restaurants and bars.

“And most importantly, if anyone spots a chubby Afghan using a stepladder to wrestle a large unwieldy box or bag into a dumpster under the cover of darkness, they shouldn’t try to help him unless he’s a friend or acquaintance.

“This man is a savage and completely unpredictable,” continued the operative,”thanks to his patented ‘Pashtun Pressure Cookers’ he single-handedly ran Waste Management out of Kabul.”

GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump was quick to condemn the bombings saying, “After that dumpster went up I saw thousands of Arabs cheering outside Clinton Campaign Headquarters over in Brooklyn. Those people just don’t have our values. They’re dirty and don’t appreciate a good trash receptacle.

“After I’m elected I promise no one will dare attack our big, beautiful dumpsters.”

Trumpkins Furious Over Birther Reversal

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redneckguns777

 

DEER TICK, TENNESSEE – (CT&P) – “I don’t know who done forced him into saying that shit but somebody’s damn well gonna pay,” said Billy Bob McSneed during an interview with Jefferson Davis Jones, a reporter with Action 5 News out of Chattanooga.

McSneed is but one voice in a chorus of seething supporters furious over Trump’s reversal on the birther issue. He said in the interview that everyone he knows who supports the orange racist was outraged and they just didn’t believe Trump would say anything like that unless he was forced.

When asked what he and his buddies intended to do about the situation McSneed replied, “I ain’t sure yet. But tonight at the meeting I’m sure we’ll get our instructions.” McSneed was apparently referring to a mysterious weekly rally held in a remote wooded area near some abandoned strip mines outside Deer Tick.

Jones concluded the interview by asking McSneed if the shocking reversal would change his vote.

“Oh hell no,” he said, “If ole Trump ain’t elected we’re gonna raise unholy hell. The only way that bitch can win is if she cheats, and we ain’t gonna stand for that. They’ll be hell to pay I tell ya!”

 

 

 

 

Trump Delegate Still Stuck In Cleveland

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trumpdelegate3

 

CLEVELAND- (CT&P) – Herbert Schicklegruber, Trump delegate from Broward County, Florida, is still stranded in Cleveland weeks after the conclusion of the hatefest known as the GOP convention. Schicklegruber, a political activist from the outskirts of Tampa, was arrested after a party he threw in his hotel room on the opening night of the election.

It seems Schicklegruber and three prostitutes of various sexes went on an all night drug fueled sexual rampage, destroying his room in the process. The police were called after foul-smelling brown water was discovered dripping from the ceiling in the room immediately below.

Schicklegruber told the cops that things got a little out of hand after he got excited during Rudy Guiliani’s speech.

“I dig Rudy,” said Schicklegruber, “and when he said Donald Trump will do to America what he did to New York, well, to be perfectly honest I got a hard-on.”

Things apparently went downhill from there because after the speakers were finished the delegate went into a back alley and procured around $400.00 worth of methamphetamine and the aforementioned hookers.

Schicklegruber told police that he regretted his actions because he was only able to enjoy one night of the convention and he was really looking forward seeing General Flynn foam at the mouth.

Because of his financial situation and extensive record in Broward County, Schicklegruber has so far been unable to post bail and return home. His girlfriend of three weeks, Lou Anne Smegma, has made repeated entreaties to her neighbors in the Kooky Moon Trailer Park where the couple currently live.

“I’ve raised enough to cover my alcohol and cigarette expenses and I’ve put back over $25.00 bucks for Herbert,” said Smegma. “A friend of mine is gonna start a GoFundMe page next week so I hope we can get Herbert out before the election.

“He’d be heartbroken if he couldn’t vote.”

 

Basket Of Deplorables Object To Being Called Deplorable

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nazi6666

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Representatives from Donald Trump’s infamous “Basket of Deplorables” are expressing their shock and sadness at Hillary Clinton calling them deplorable despite not knowing what the fuck the word even means.

“I’m not quite sure what she was talkin’ about, but I know it’s somethin’ bad,” said Milford Snodgrass of Turdwallop, South Carolina during an interview with Eleven Dead or Alive News.

Snodgrass, a despicable racist with a swastika tattoo on his forehead, is a meth cook and part-time employee of Tractor Supply in Columbia.

“I’m always gettin’ criticized for sayin’ nigger and camel jockey instead of all that politically correct bullshit. As far as I’m concerned they can shove that stuff up their ass. Hell, I’ll do it myself once Trump makes America great again!”

Suzie “Hep C” Muleshaker from Toxic Springs, Florida told CNN that she didn’t know what “deplorable” meant until a friend from a neighboring trailer told her.

“That Hillary bitch is the deplorable one,” she said. “She belongs in jail for all that computer shit and killing all those folks in Europe or wherever it was.

“I think it’s high time we white people stood up for ourselves. We’re being run over by all these lazy violent black folks and the Messicans poring across the border bringing in all that Ebola.

“When Trump gets in office I’m hoping I can get a job down at the wall manning a machine gun or something like that. It’s damn hard makin’ a livin’ around here with all these folks stealin’ our jobs.”

According to Merriam-Webster, there has been huge interest in the word “deplorable” since Clinton made the comment. The online dictionary reports that searches of the word “deplorable” increased by nearly 50,000% over the weekend.

Although he offered no specific information on who was doing the searching, a representative from the company told Rachel Maddow of MSNBC that he was relatively sure they weren’t from the “better educated” demographic.

 

Johnson Breaks Pledge, Gets High As A Kite Before Interview

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Former New Mexico governor, Libertarian Party presidential nominee, and dedicated stoner Gary Johnson broke his pledge today not to smoke pot before the election in November.

Johnson appeared to be totally baked on Morning Joe this morning when he was interviewed by Mike Barnacle, a frequent guest on the show.

Barnacle was quizzing Johnson on the situation in the Middle East when he asked what the candidate would do about Aleppo.

“About who?” asked Johnson from behind a pair of dark sunglasses.

“Aleppo,” replied Barnacle.

“What’s Aleppo dude?”

“You’re kidding.”

“No.” said Johnson. “What the fuck are you talking about Mike?”

As Barnacle was shaking his head in disbelief, Johnson stared off in the distance and appeared to be deep in thought. Then a light bulb seemed to go on in his head, and he broke out in a huge smile.

“Ohhhh, I’m with you now Mike. Sorry, I’m a little buzzed. Yeah, I have an Aleppo. I used it this morning to fire up my bong.”

When Barnacle explained that he was talking about a city in Syria and not a lighter, Johnson turned serious and told him that although he had no idea what was going on in Aleppo he thought Syria was “one hot mess.”

“I don’t see why those folks can’t just sit down, chill out, and love one another,” said Johnson as he furiously scratched the top of his head.

Barnacle ended the interview after Johnson asked for some potato chips and dip for the third time in as many minutes.

Breaking his pledge could be a serious blow to Mr. Johnson’s campaign, just as he is making a final push to improve his standing in the polls. His support needs to reach 15 percent in a series of major national polls to be included in the presidential debates.

On Twitter the question “What is Aleppo?” is trending, with many critics arguing that Mr. Johnson has disqualified himself from the presidency. However, the RNC has already approached Johnson about running for governor in Colorado.

Trump Makes Surprising Bid For Mexico’s Electoral Votes

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trumpdumb

 

MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – GOP presidential candidate and village idiot Donald Trump is traveling to Mexico to meet with President Enrique Peña Nieto Wednesday afternoon, shortly before the nominee is slated to give another incoherent speech on immigration in Phoenix.

The trip, which Mr. Trump announced late Tuesday and which was confirmed by the office of Mr. Peña Nieto, follows an invitation the Mexican president sent Friday to both Mr. Trump and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, according to Mr. Peña Nieto’s office. The president’s office said the invitation “was well received by both campaign teams.”

Mr. Trump told Wolf Blitzer of CNN earlier today that it was important to make the trip because the election was going to be close and he needed to garner all the Electoral College votes he could.

mussolini

During interviews earlier this summer, President Nieto called Trump “the very embodiment of evil,” and compared him to Mussolini, Hitler, Pol Pot, Satan, and Cthulhu, whose mere countenance is enough to drive men insane.

“I want the Mexican people to know that even though I intend to build a thousand mile 35 foot high impenetrable wall between our countries that deep down I’m a compassionate and reasonable guy and I’ll do my best to find jobs in Mexico for the 16 million men, women, and children I plan to uproot and ship back south,” said Trump, while making weird hand gestures with his minuscule digits.

“I’m confident that once I talk to President Nieto and hold a rally in Mexico City I can convince the population, which is made up almost entirely of criminals, to vote for me so I can grab those all important electoral votes,” said the giant bipedal turd.

GOP strategist and adviser to the Evan McMillan campaign Rick Wilson appeared on MSNBC shortly after Trump’s comments on CNN and told viewers that never in the history of the United States has the country been saddled with such a moronic candidate.

“The man is like a orange chimpanzee on crack,” said Wilson. “Not only is Trump a racist xenophobe who treats women as property, but he’s an imbecile of epic proportions.”

“The only people who would score lower on an IQ test might be his supporters. I’ve seen bovines that were more intelligent. Folks who support this pitiful excuse for a human being will be trying to wash off the stench for the rest of their lives.”

Mr. Trump is scheduled to meet with President Nieto sometime late this afternoon. The exact time and place of the meeting is being kept secret in order to keep gunfire and explosions to a minimum.