Category Archives: politics

White House Intruder Crashes Secret Service Shindig

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White House Intruder

SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Omar Gonzalez, the gentleman who jumped the White House fence on Friday, apparently ruined a much-anticipated and long-awaited Secret Service mixer with the female staff of the Brazilian Embassy. He is currently being detained by the Capitol Police.

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Gonzalez, thought to be living out of his car, later apologized to the Secret Service for ruining their get-together and insisted he was only there to assassinate the President

Apparently Mr. Gonzalez was able to jump over the fence and run all the way into the White House, easily sidestepping millions of dollars worth of security, because Secret Service personnel were occupied preparing the dance hall and the Lincoln bedroom for their scantily clad guests from South America.

“The boss had just left on the chopper, the band was warming up, and we were in the process of setting up a wine and cheese bar when this moron jumps the fence and ruins everything,” said Walter “Wild Man” Whitman, a 20-year veteran of the Service.

“I was really looking forward to seeing the gals Madam Fifi was sending over for the party. Everyone on earth knows that Brazilian women have phenomenal butts!”

The Secret Service officers had apparently met Madam Fifi and some of her employees while protecting Vice President Biden at the World Cup this summer.

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Secret Service personnel apparently met Madam Fifi and some of her “employees” while protecting Vice President Biden at the World Cup

“We just can’t get enough of that South American poontang,” said Officer Whitman, who hails from Austin, Texas. “I can tell you from experience there just ain’t nothin’ like it. I’m here to tell you, all you stuffed-shirt anti-immigration dudes out are really missin’ out!”

Gonzalez’ “leap of faith” is only one in a series of security breaches involving the White House in recent years. Several mental midgets have jumped the fence and run around the White House grounds like squirrels on crack, and one or two have even made it inside to state dinners.

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The unfortunate Gonzalez incident is not expected to put a damper on the annual Secret Service Halloween costume party, a perennial favorite with rookie officers

Gonzalez himself has been pulled over several times in his vehicle while carrying hatchets, machetes, shotguns, hundreds of rounds of ammo, a map of the White House, and a well-worn copy of Assassination For Dummies.

What puzzles the White House press corps is why Gonzalez has never been arrested before Friday. Sheriff R.W.

Scrotum of Fairfax County Virginia explained:

“Mr Gonzalez has been pulled over several times by my deputies but we never had any grounds to hold him,” said Scrotum. “He was only carrying some hunting knives, couple of assault rifles, a few grenades, and an RPG. I mean, it wasn’t like he had any drugs or cash on him or anything.”

Mr. Gonzalez is set to be arraigned later this week for trespassing on government property and the more serious charge of obstructing and interfering with federal officers while in the process of partying.

 

Hannity Reveals Miserable Childhood Of Abuse And Torture At Hands Of Sadistic Father

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Last Wednesday Fox News host Sean Hannity revealed to a stunned audience that he had a Kafkaesque childhood filled with physical abuse, torture, and intimidation at the hands of a cruel and sadistic father.

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Hannity’s guests were taken aback as the unhinged host repeatedly beat his desk while screaming “Take that, you little bastard! Next time you better pick up your dirty socks and put them in the washing machine!”

The subject came up as a result of Hannity’s position regarding NFL running back Adrian Peterson’s recent suspension by the Minnesota Vikings for injuring his child with a tree branch. Hannity made a very animated case for Peterson avoiding jail time, stating “every parent has a right under the U.S. Constitution to beat the shit out of their kids anytime they damn well please!”

Peterson is also suspected of injuring a second child.

Hannity’s outburst came during an “NFL Under Fire” roundtable featuring three panelists: Psychotherapist Dr. Robi Ludwig, Fox News legal analyst Mercedes Colwin and Daily National sports editor Mike Bako.

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Hannity’s dad Ivan often water-boarded Sean and Sybil as punishment for wetting the bed

Hannity, 52, described how his father dished out corporal punishment while he was a youngster on Long Island. He casually unbuckled his belt, folded it in half and wrapped it around his right hand.

“I got it like this,” said Hannity as he hit the leather strap against the news desk. Hannity whacked his belt across the desk three times. Spittle flew from Hannity’s mouth and his eye began twitching as he continued the demonstration.  “And I deserved it. I was a troubled kid.”

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Hannity’s dad perfected his techniques by practicing on prostitutes he lured into the home on weekends

“I got hit with a strap, ‘bam, bam, bam,’ … by my father,” Hannity explained as he opened the next segment. “I would tell you that I deserved it, and I’ve never been to a shrink because of it!”

Hannity went on to explain that his father had a wide variety of punishments he meted out for even the smallest infractions.

“My father punched me right in the face when I talked back to him, and I deserved it,” said Hannity, and when I failed to mow the yard properly Dad would stake me out in the backyard naked and let ants crawl over me in the hot sun, and man did I ever deserve it!”

Hannity’s father, Ivan “The Terrible” Hannity, was a great believer in corporal punishment and had a life-long obsession with techniques and devices perfected by the Marquis de Sade and representatives of the Catholic Church during the Inquisition.

“Dad started out with thumbscrews when my sister and I were infants, and worked his way up to the rack and the Judas chair as we grew older,” said Hannity. “His favorite was the Brazen Bull he had hidden in the barn out behind the house, but he only put us in there when we had done something really horrible, like forgetting to let the dog out to urinate.”

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Hannity’s sister Sybil currently lives in the Trenton Home For The Criminally Insane in Trenton, New Jersey. Sean visits her every Sunday so that they can pray together and ask God for forgiveness for being such horrible children

“I can tell you unequivocally that my sister and I richly deserved all the physical and psychological scars that we now carry as adults, and you better believe that our own kids are treated just like we were. I want my kids to grow up as well-adjusted and sexually secure adults just like me and Sybil.”

Hannity’s sister Sybil currently resides in the Trenton Home For The Criminally Insane in New Jersey.

In an interview with Psychology Today the day after the show, Dr. Ludwig said that Hannity’s hideous childhood probably accounts for his extreme insecurity and inability to listen to opposing points of view.

“Hannity exhibits all the hallmarks of an abused child and ‘battered person syndrome,'” said Ludwig. “He believes that he is infallible no matter how ridiculous his positions are, and is just psychologically unable to experience feelings that normal people take for granted, such as empathy and compassion. Boy, has he found a home with Fox News. I’d say it’s the only reason he has not ended up in prison or in an institution like his poor sister Sybil.”

Meanwhile, the branch-wielding Peterson remains suspended until his case is heard in court and is not expected to be a part of the Minnesota Viking’s future. He is reportedly interviewing for a position as a child-rearing expert guest for Fox.

Dr. Phil Robertson And His Team Of Cretins Achieve Medical Research Breakthrough

Posted in health and fitness, humor, politics, religion by

Duck Dynasty Season 3

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Medical researcher and well-known intellectual Dr. Phil Robertson announced an earth-shattering breakthrough made by his research team regarding the root causes of just about every disease that has plagued mankind since we were created a mere 6,000 years ago.

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Dr Robertson spoke with Perkins from his research facility located in a fetid swamp in Louisiana. It was formerly a hideout for Nazi physicians fleeing Europe in route to South America after WWII

The Duck Dynasty star thinks AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases are God’s punishment for immoral behavior such as ones that aren’t “one man one woman,” he said in a recent interview.

While promoting his new book unPHILtered: The Way I See It, Robertson spoke at length about what he called the “physiological downside to immorality” in an interview with Family Research Council president Tony Perkins’ radio program Washington Watch last week.

Robertson spoke to Perkins from his research facility located in a broken-down wooden shack located in the rapidly sinking fetid swamps of southern Louisiana.

“I mean, a great question to ask is ‘Why is it that all of these just—is this coincidental that viewing all of the immoral conduct that America now is participating in, I’ve asked a lot of people, Do you think it’s a coincidence that all of these debilitating — and literally, it can cause death — diseases follow that kind of conduct?” Robertson said.

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No stranger to controversy, Robertson has come under fire for some of his idiotic statements made during radio interviews in the past

“God says, ‘One woman, one man,’ and everybody says, ‘Oh, that’s old hat, that’s that old Bible stuff’ and I’m thinking well, let’s see now. A clean guy, a disease-free guy, and a disease-free woman, they marry and they keep their sex between the two of ‘em, uh, they’re not gonna get chlamydia and gonorrhea and syphilis and AIDS. It’s, it’s safe.”

Robertson concluded that such diseases from such behaviors are punishment from God.

“Now to me either it’s the wildest coincidence ever that horrible diseases follow immoral conduct,” he said, “or it’s God saying, ‘There’s a penalty for that kind of conduct.’ I’m leanin’ toward there’s a penalty toward it.”

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Robertson believes in a strict interpretation of Genesis, and thinks men once walked with the dinosaurs. He is a founding member of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in the backwoods of Kentucky

But Robertson did not stop there. He informed Perkins that just about every disease on earth was a punishment from God for some sort of sin or affront to the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, and apparently bloodthirsty and savage deity.

“Polio is God’s punishment for too many organized sporting events,” said Robertson. “Melanoma is his punishment for Louis Réard’s invention of the bikini, and strokes are the direct result of reading too many books other than the Bible, and getting too smart.”

Robertson also said that irritable bowel syndrome could be linked to watching ungodly shows on television, and one should stick strictly to Fox News or faith-based programming such as Duck Dynasty or the The 700 Club.

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Although Robertson remains wildly popular with the intellectually underpowered crowd, he is not without his critics

Robertson told Perkins that all of these diseases could be cured by prayer and living a godly life.

“Doctors, hospitals, and medical research are all just a waste of time,” said Robertson. “If one wants to lead a long, healthy life, all you have to do is pray and spend an inordinate amount of time and money on the church of your choice, as long as it is one that I approve of.”

“Obamacare is definitely the work of Satan,” said Robertson. “We’re just wasting a bunch of money on poor people who could lead happy and healthy lives as long as they just stick to a set of rules and regulations laid down thousands of years ago by people who knew the value of stoning fags to death in the village square.”

Robertson closed by giving some advice to young people trying to make that all important decision that we all make at some point in our lives, namely, “Am I attracted to men or women?”

“So, you read in the Bible, you say well let’s see, ‘Well, it’s one man, one woman,’” he said. “Any logical person would say, what the guy is sayin’ is, that’d be me, is that if you wanna be safe from a lot of debilitating diseases, that’s the route to go. And it agrees with what God says so it’s just one argument after another, Tony, but what can I say all you can do is just show ‘em that and say, ‘Man, we ought to think about this Jesus stuff.’”

GOP Congressman From North Carolina Advocates A Return To The Middle Ages “Because Everything Just Made More Sense Back Then”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P)—At a recent town hall in Charlotte’s suburbs, North Carolina House Republican Robert Pittenger compared the right to fire LGBT workers to the right to smoke cigarettes on private property.

After assuring ThinkProgress that he “respects everyone” and “loves people,” Pittenger said he believes companies should have the right to fire or refuse to hire someone because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

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Pittinger is an outspoken member of the “Know-Nothing” wing of the GOP, who believe that businesses are independent living entities whose civil rights should be respected over those of mere human beings

“You need to respect the autonomy of somebody running their business,” he said. “It’s like smoking bans. Do you ban smoking or do people have the right to private property? I think people have the right to private property. In public spaces, absolutely, we can have smoking bans. But we don’t want to micromanage people’s lives and businesses. If you have a business, do you want the government to come in and tell you you need to hire somebody? Why should government be there to impose on the freedoms we enjoy?”

Though North Carolina is one of 29 where bosses can still fire someone for being LGBT or merely perceived as such, Pittenger asserted: “I believe people are already protected.”

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Like many of his supporters on the Christian Right, Pittinger believes that gay and lesbian lives should be spared, but that they should be encouraged to change their sexual preference

The freshman congressman said that’s why he is opposed to passing the Employee Non-Discrimination Act, known as ENDA for short, which would make it illegal for companies and unions to hire, fire, promote, or compensate people differently based on sexual orientation or gender identity. The protections in the bill—which passed the Senate around a year ago—would not apply to religious organizations, members of the armed forces, or companies with fewer than 15 employees.

Pittenger is also a strong advocate of abolishing the child labor laws, which would allow children to be put to work as soon as they are able to walk.

“Who is the federal government to tell a businessman that he can’t use ‘little people’ to mine his coal, or work in his sweatshops?” queried Pittenger, who graduated from the Jay Gould College of Unfettered Capitalism with a major in Plantation Systems.

“The founding fathers were wise enough not to make a big stink over things like slavery and dangerous working conditions, so why should we?” said Pittenger, while nervously fiddling with his trademark bullwhip.

Labour Force Work Under Difficult Conditions To Complete Commonwealth Games

Pittenger warned his audience that until America “wised-up” and abolished the silly and restrictive child labor laws we would never be able to compete with the rest of the world

Pittenger—who is running unopposed—isn’t likely to have the chance to cast a yea or nay vote on the legislation anytime soon, as House Speaker John Boehner has said there is “no way” he will bring it to the floor for debate.

Earlier this year, President Obama signed an executive order extending employment protections to LGBT workers for all companies with federal government contracts. The new regulations will reach over one million LGBT workers across the country, but millions of people in North Carolina and across the country remain unprotected.

As many as 43 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people and 90 percent of transgender people have experienced some form of harassment or discrimination in the workplace, but what else would one expect in our “Christian” nation?

Missouri Passes Strict Anti-Abortion Legislation; Rejects Similar Law Protecting Unarmed Black Teens

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Missouri lawmakers enacted one of the nation’s most stringent abortion waiting periods Wednesday, overriding a veto of legislation that will require women to wait 72 hours after consulting with a doctor before ending a pregnancy.

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Missouri lawmakers have always had the utmost respect for zygotes, but that respect dwindles after the child is born, particularly if it turns out to be black, a Democrat, or God forbid both.

The vote by Missouri’s Republican-led Legislature overrules the veto of Democratic Gov. Jay Nixon, who had denounced the measure as “extreme and disrespectful” toward women because it contains no exception for cases of rape or incest.

About half of the states, including Missouri, already have abortion waiting periods of 24 hours.

Missouri’s new law will be the second most-stringent behind South Dakota, where its 72-hour wait can sometimes extend even longer because weekends and holidays are not counted. Utah is the only other state with a 72-hour delay, but it grants exceptions for rape, incest and other circumstances.

Missouri lawmakers specifically rejected an amendment earlier this year that would have granted exceptions for rape and incest. Abortion opponents argued that it would have diminished the value of some lives depending on how they were conceived.

The state legislature is of course 75% white male.

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Legislators pointed out that Missouri cops feel threatened by unarmed black males, who might hurt them in some way

Legislators also rejected an amendment to the law that would have called for a “five-minute cooling off period” before cops gunned down unarmed black teenagers on Missouri’s city streets. Lawmakers expressed concern that the amendment would sow confusion among “them negras,” and create an atmosphere of disrespect in cities where all white police forces lorded over majority black neighborhoods.

“We just can’t take away an officer’s right to choose,” said Jeffrey Jingo, a state senator from Bigot Bluffs. “If we let young black males freely roam our streets without showing them who’s boss, then all hell could break loose. I mean, you saw what happened in Ferguson, right? The last thing we need is all them colored folks thinking they enjoy the same civil rights as respectable members of our community.”

Planned Parenthood, which operates Missouri’s only licensed abortion clinic in St. Louis, has not said whether it will challenge the 72-hour waiting period in court. But the organization has said its patients travel an average of nearly 100 miles for an abortion, and an extra delay could force them to either make two trips or spend additional money on hotels.

Missouri’s new waiting period law will take effect 30 days after the veto-override vote.

 

Obama Responds To Syrian Objections Over Airstrikes: “Fuck You Bashar!”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Responding to Syrian objections over the Administration’s plans to fly combat missions against ISIS in Syrian territory, President Obama told journalists at the White House that as far as he was concerned, Bashar Assad could “Fuck off and die.”

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The President scoffed at Assad’s promises to turn the U.S. Air Force into a heap of smoking wreckage in the “Mother of All Air Battles”

In a speech to the nation last night, Mr. Obama said the United States was recruiting a global coalition to “degrade and ultimately destroy” the militants, known as the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria. He warned that “eradicating a cancer” like ISIS was a long-term challenge that would put some American troops at risk.

“We will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are,” Mr. Obama declared in a 14-minute address. “That means I will not hesitate to take action against ISIL in Syria, as well as Iraq,” he added, using an alternative name for ISIS. “This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.”

Mr. Obama specifically stated that he would not place U.S. “boots on the ground” in Iraq or Syria, which most intelligent pundits interpreted as meaning that we will have no large ground units in the Middle East like we did in the recent Iraq and Afghanistan wars, but did not preclude the use of special forces units and forward air observers.

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Mr. Obama has been practicing his “full moon maniacal dictator look” in the mirror in case he needs it as the war with ISIS heats up

Although Mr. Obama has received political support from both parties on his policy statement, some pundits on the far right, particularly those who depend on Fox News for their income, have criticized the President for not going far enough. In addition, several members of the wing nut radio talk show crowd, along with former members of the Bush Administration, continue to blame Obama for the whole situation.

“The Bush Administration and its cheerleaders caused this clusterfuck by invading Iraq in the first place,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Anyone who listens to Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, or Sean Hannity on this subject needs his head examined anyway. They’re best bet is to shut the fuck up, that way they won’t sound so ignorant.”

Sunshine State Shocker: Federal Law Enforcement Authorities Manage To Do Something Useful

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ORLANDO-Citizens of the “Sunshine State” were left stunned this week after federal law enforcement agents took time off from drug-interdiction duties long enough to round up a group of miscreants in central Florida’s Osceola County. In a shocking deviation from the norm, federal agents participated in a well planned and effective sting operation that netted around a dozen members of a white supremacist group, “The American Front.”

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Marcus “Tyrannus” Paella, Obersturmfuhrer and trailer owner

The U.S. Justice Department has long considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are actually true. They actually believe what they hear from Fox News pundits and Tea Party candidates. Combine that with the native population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a volatile combination.”

Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.

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Christopher “Scrotum Face” Brooks

The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”

After a laid back afternoon of barbecue, draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and ATF.

“We certainly did surprise them,” said Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of methamphetamine.

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Richard “Swamp Nazi” Stockdale

Local law enforcement officials were not surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.

Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella, Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.

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Diane “Hepatitis C” Stevens

According to court documents the group had planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of May Day activities this spring.

The property on which the American Front headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels leading nowhere. Sandbags and railroad ties were stacked in defensive positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle ports but could just be caused by rats.

Marcus and Patricia Faella were released after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their henchmen were left to rot in jail.

Editor’s Note: This article was reprinted from January 8th of this year because I am feeling too damn lazy to write today. Besides, I have to repair a leaky toilet before it falls into the crawlspace and releases hundreds of giant hostile scorpions from the depths. I have not bothered to check on the status of any of these morons, but knowing Florida they are probably still walking around free and are planning on hopping the next Greyhound to Murphy-if they can read, that is.

Smith To Replace McCarthy At EPA

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Disgusted with the glacial pace of environmental reform and the gas and oil industry’s stubborn refusal to admit culpability for the world’s ongoing climate crisis, President Obama has announced sweeping changes at the EPA including the appointment of a new administrator, Agent Smith.

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Smith conferred with himself for several days before accepting the new position at EPA

“Smith knows how to get things done,” said the President, at a brief White House press conference this morning. “We believe that Smith’s ability to replicate himself and seemingly be everywhere at once will save us money on inspectors and help cut through bureaucratic red tape. After all, nearly everyone is terrified of the man, and all those who have taken him on in the past have ended up dead.”

Smith told reporters that he was honored to be taking over the leadership role at EPA, as  he had long wanted to do something about the plague of humans destroying what was once a pristine planet.

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The ubiquitous Agent Smith’s ability to replicate himself is considered one of his most valuable assets. “Since he requires only one salary and benefits package, he’ll save us millions in health care costs alone,” said President Obama.

“I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here,” said Smith. “It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You’re a plague and I am the cure.”

The appointment of Smith was made over protests from nearly every industry leader in the United States, who have had free rein to run roughshod over environmental rules and regulations up to this point.

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President Obama threatened to bring in Bricktop if Agent Smith should fail in his mission

“It’s downright unpatriotic to prevent us from destroying our great country’s land and water resources!” said ExxonMobil’s CEO Rex Tillerson, a huge proponent of fracking. “For decades we have been allowed to pollute and lay waste to the land, air, and water of this great land, and now is no time to try to stops us. It might raise the cost of a gallon of gasoline an extra ten cents! Do you want to pay an extra ten cents per gallon every time you fill up? Obama is obviously a Muslim communist intent on destroying our economy through needless rules and regulations. It’s outrageous!”

Tillerson, an industry leader, made the list of “Top Ten American Hypocrites of 2014” for joining a lawsuit to prevent fracking close to the neighborhood in which he lives. He joined other luminaries on the list such as the Reverend Pat Robertson and Judge Antonin Scalia.

When asked what would happen to the environment and future generations if Smith did not bring the energy sector under some semblance of control, Tillerson replied, “Fuck the fucking environment and fuck future generations. We are here to make money, plain and simple.”

Smith is scheduled to assume his new post on October 1st.

Deranged Chattanooga Minister Advocates Raising The Price Of A New Wife To 300 Foreskins

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Pastor Robby “The Cretin” Gallaty of Brainerd Baptist Church in Chattanooga, Tennesse dedicated his hour-long sermon on Sunday to explaining why Christians should feel free to discriminate against gays.

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Gallaty is still in mourning the passing of Pastor Fred “Beelzebub” Phelps, his hero and mentor, who is currently roasting in hell while being sodomized with a chain saw

Gallaty told his all white intellectually underpowered congregation that being gay is an offense to God.

“God said that the sins of the people [of Sodom and Gomorrah] had infected the very land in which they lived,” Gallaty said. “So what happens to the people who engage in this activity, this sexual immoral activity? Go to Leviticus 20, God gives us the punishment for engaging in these sins … ‘If a man sleeps with a man as with a woman, they have both committed a detestable thing. They must be put to death. And their blood is on their own hands.”

Homosexuality, Gallaty claimed, is an “attack on the family and marriage, and we need to put an end to this madness once and for all by executing those caught indulging in sexual acts that I don’t approve of!”

This is not the first time Gallaty has lost his fucking mind while in the pulpit. The theme of last week’s sermon was the artificially low price paid for wives in America.

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Gallaty thinks that after remaining fixed for 2000 years the going price of a new bride should be raised to at least 300 foreskins

“The price of a new wife has been the same for over 2000 years!” screamed Gallaty to his incredulous flock. “Does anyone think that a hundred foreskins is a fair price to pay any proud papa? Why even David paid Saul twice the going rate. Please turn to 1 Samuel 18:27 in your Bible and read with me…”

“Wherefore David arose and went … and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.”
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Many in Gallaty’s congregation starting having doubts about his sanity when he erected this monument on the church grounds in 2007

“Now I propose that we raise the price of a bride to at least 300 hundred foreskins in order to index for inflation, I think it will boost the economy and encourage men to take better care of their wives,” said Gallaty, as drool and mucous dripped from his face. “But I’m willing to be reasonable about all this,” continued Gallaty, “I think God would be OK with partially substituting atheist and liberal foreskins since Philistines are so damn hard to track down in this day and age.”

Many pundits believe that the cause of Gallaty’s psychological problems is a deep sexual insecurity combined with his strict interpretation of the Bible.
“Gallaty seems to think that everything in that book is true and all the weird rules in it have to be followed to the letter,” said Dr. John Bigboote of Yoyodyne Laboratories in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. “I mean who in their right mind thinks Noah built an ark and put two of every animal species in the damn thing? The whole fucking U.S. Navy couldn’t pull that off.”
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Many families are leaving Gallaty’s congregation and are flocking to nearby Viperpalian churches, which are considered more mainstream in Tennessee

Many in Gallaty’s congregation agree that he is mentally disturbed, or at the very least obsessed with male genitalia.

Three weeks ago five families withdrew from the church and joined a nearby snake handling church that offered a more reasonable interpretation of the Word of God.
Deacon Billy Bob McSneed, who led the mutiny, told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that “We had just had enough of his weird shit. Week after week it’s scrotum this, penis that. There’s only so much genital talk that one can stand. Why, this spring the maniac preached a sermon from Deuteronomy where he said that God would not allow anyone into the Kingdom of Heaven with wounded or crushed testicles. Afterwords the freak wanted to inspect every male church member’s scrotum! We’ve had it!”
Attendance at Brainerd Baptist does not seem to be hurting however. For every family that leaves another comes to replace it. Dr. Bigboote attributed this phenomenon to a woeful lack of formal education in this country and particularly in eastern Tennessee. Bigboote remarked, “It’s just like P.T. Barnum said, ‘There’s a fool born every minute.'”

 

Glenn Beck Predicts Asteroid Strike On 9/11

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Conspiracy theorist and right-wing nutcase Glenn Beck reported today that a coalition of terrorist groups led by ISIS, the Taliban, and Al-Qaeda In The Florida Peninsula (ALF) have successfully re-routed a huge asteroid that is poised to strike earth in the early morning hours of September 11th.

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Beck spent the first fifteen minutes of his program yesterday defending himself after a caller accused him of being an escapee from the Island of Dr. Moreau

Only yesterday Beck reported that 11 commercial jet-liners were missing from Tripoli International Airport and were destined to be flown to a town near you in order to immolate your friends and entire extended family in huge fireballs of Muslim retribution.

The revelations were seen and heard by the dozens of regular viewers of the Glenn Beck program on Beck’s fantasy television network, TheBlaze. TheBlaze is a site dedicated to terrifying the mentally challenged with ridiculous conspiracy theories, grammar school-level historical revisionism, and religious and political propaganda worthy of the best efforts of Joseph Goebbels.

“We are not quite sure where these heathen got the technology to re-route huge boulders millions of miles out in space, but I suspect that the Iranians are involved,” said Beck, as saliva dripped from one corner of his mouth.

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Beck became quite emotional as he described the Obama-led worldwide conspiracy to destroy the earth set to culminate only few days hence

“It is quite possible that President Obama handed over the top-secret tractor beam technology to the Iranians as part of his efforts to appease Islam, because everyone knows he is secretly working with the U.N. towards building a worldwide caliphate that would eventually mean the end of all logical and rational religions such as the LDS,” said the unhinged Beck, who began rolling a couple of steel ball bearings around in his left hand.

“I urge all my fans and followers to demand action by the U.S. government to intercept the planes and rocks that will be hurtling towards us on September 11th, lest the world as we know it come to an end,” said an emotional Beck, as two of his aides pulled him from in front of the camera.

No independent verification of Beck’s claims has so far been made.

Many sane sources believe that the revelations are on par with some of Beck’s other theories, including the worldwide attempt by climate scientists to silence all dissenters, “just like Hitler,” or comparing embryonic stem cell research to Nazi eugenics programs, or his claim that he had deciphered a “secret code” that proved President Obama was trying to set up an oligarchy.

Of course we won’t know for sure until September 12th rolls around, but Las Vegas odds-makers have said that Beck has about a one in a billion chance of being correct, based on his past performance.