Category Archives: politics

Christian Right Joins Forces With Animists And Luddites To Fight “Voodoo Science”

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cosmosshow

drunkasshit

Ross McMakin, a native of Panama City Beach, has been hired as DAFT’s spokesman

WASHINGTON (CT&P) – Answers in Genesis, the American Family Association, Hobby Lobby Inc., and a primitive Amazon rain forest tribe have joined forces to combat the lies and “Voodoo Science” being spread by Neil deGrasse Tyson on his show Cosmos. They will be joined by the Flat Earth Society, the Amateur Gynecologist’s League, and the Mississippi River Wideners Club in an all out fight against reason and science for the hearts and minds of the American people.

The new organization, known as DAFT, held a press conference in Washington, D.C. earlier last month to voice their concerns. The newly appointed spokesman for the group, Ross McMakin of Philomath, Oregon, explained the goals of the organization to an eager crowd of journalists from around the country.

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Chief Fred wowed journalists with a primitive version of PowerPoint in order to get his point across

“DAFT has been formed to fight the heretics around the world that want to teach our kids lies about the nature of the universe and the age of the earth,” said McMakin. “The teachers and scientists that promote Satanic ideas like evolution, the ‘Big Bang,’ and photosynthesis cannot be allowed to drown out the voices of blind faith and adherence to archaic value systems.”

McKakin took a swig of Rebel Yell and then continued, “We intend to stamp out the influence of science and societal progress wherever it rears its ugly head!”

McKakin then yielded the podium to “Fred,” chief of an Amazon rain forest tribe living in the remote jungles of Brazil. Fred’s tribe, dubbed the Luddites by the Brazilian press, has lived happily in the tangled “green hell” and fever-ridden swamps of triple-canopy rain forest for centuries.

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“Fred” took advantage of the trip to D.C. to jet over to East Africa and visit relatives and fellow animists at a seaside resort

The Luddites exist without any type of modern convenience except for two dozen pair of Michael Jordan sneakers that fell out of  the luggage compartment of a commercial aircraft during the 1980’s. They hunt, fish, and party the same way their ancestors did at the dawn of human civilization. The Luddites have a strict moral and religious code that is characterized by the worship of inanimate objects and the enthusiastic ritual sacrifice of any hominids that are not of their tribe.

Their life expectancy is roughly 26 years of age.

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“Fred” had a big change of heart after being exposed to modern technology. He is seen here only two weeks after the press conference addressing the U.N. on the problem of deforestation.

Although “Fred” could only communicate verbally with a complicated jumble of guttural grunts and high-pitched clicking sounds, he used a sand table and a stick to try to get his point across. “Fred” drew a picture of the earth circling the sun and then crossed it out and urinated on it. Then he erased the flawed conceptual piece and proceeded to draw the sun circling the earth. After he finished he smiled and grabbed his private parts while nodding his head up and down.

Journalists in attendance seemed to grasp the point “Fred” was making and were eager to ask questions of the newly appointed spokesman Mr. McMakin, since no one had the patience to wait around for another of “Fred’s” masterpieces.

A reporter from Skeptic Magazine asked McMakin, “Look, what I am curious about is that you folks reject the findings of scientists on several fronts such as the age of the universe, evolution, and climate change, but you are perfectly willing to use the tools that scientists have provided us with such as improved health care, computers, smart phones, etc. It seems you folks want to ‘cherry pick’ science for what is useful to you and your religion and trash the rest. Are you guys just insecure or what? What’s up with that?”

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Not everyone agrees with DAFT’s stance on science and technology. Chief Franklin of the “What’s Happening Now” tribe, who live in on the next block over from the Luddites, says Fred “is so full of shit his eyes are brown.”

At this point McMakin abruptly ended the press conference giving the excuse that he was late for a spousal abuse party and had to go pick up his girlfriend. “Fred” seemed willing to stay as he was enjoying the air-conditioned building and the free mimosas but the reporters expressed no further interest, so everyone left.

It remains to be seen what effect if any DAFT will have on public education or insightful and informative television shows such as Cosmos. As Thomas Huxley famously said:

Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain.

 

 

 

 

 

Satan Expands Snack Food Empire With Acquisition Of Honey Maid

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V.P. of Acquisitions Demon Jay Gould appeared on Fox to explain Beelzebub’s reasons for purchasing Honey Maid

THE RIVER STYX (CT&P) – Satan has just enlarged his already expansive snack food empire with the acquisition of Honey Maid Products, Inc., manufacturers of the premier line of graham cracker snacks in the world today. “We wanted to get more market share of the all important ‘untainted children’s souls demographic,” said Demon Jay Gould (1836-1892), V.P. of Acquisitions for Mephistopheles Holding, Inc. “We think we can better influence kids by dominating the elementary and pre-school lunchbox market. With any luck we can convince young kids to accept the gay lifestyle, marry outside their race, or maybe even become serial killers or mass murderers. Hell, we already dominate the Devil’s food cookie industry, so this purchase made perfect sense,” said Demon Gould.

The acquisition was apparently triggered by Honey Maid’s advertisement which tacitly approved of the gay lifestyle, and the unhinged reaction to it by right-wing religious groups. The commercial in question depicts “abominable and malevolent” gay and interracial couples as being normal and wholesome.

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Gould told Neil Cavuto that contrary to all the negative propaganda being spewed by the ADA, the Lord of the Underworld loves little kids and they love him

The American Family Association and the American Decency Association reacted with fear and loathing to Honey Maid’s radical position that everyone should be treated the same. A rambling and nearly incoherent statement about God, Satan, smores, and camping was posted on the ADA website and both groups vowed to boycott Honey Maid.

“When I think of graham crackers I think of the camping I may do this summer and the smores I may eat around the campfire,” said the statement. “Apparently Nabisco and I have a fondness for different things now…Nabisco wants to change definitions like family and wholesome.”

“Satan wants us to see sin as normal and not so bad,” said the group. “He delights in taking what God has made good and changes it, counterfeits it, and makes it something to please himself instead of the Creator. The fallen one desires men to see themselves as gods, answerable to no one but themselves.”

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Satan felt the time was right to expand his line of snack food items and re-brand them under the new name “Prince of Darkness Fine Foods”

“We at the American Decency Association believe that things should never change and society should be held in stasis, by force if necessary. If the American people do not have the good sense to behave the way we want, then by God they should be made to at the point of a gun.”

Although the statement on the American Decency Association’s website was apparently written by a mentally challenged sixth grader trying to impress his pastor, the reaction has been the topic of numerous columns on both conservative and liberal sites.

The “fallen one” was not available for immediate comment as he was attending a Republican Governor’s Association shindig hosted by  Sheldon Adelson in Las Vegas. However, Demon Gould appeared on the Neil Cavuto Show on Fox and flatly denied any desire to change definitions or make men into gods.

“I don’t know where these freaks come up with this shit Neil,” said Demon Gould. They blame everything on us. First it was the Asian tsunami, then the Haiti earthquake, and now they want to say that His Majesty actually wants to rewrite the dictionary? And what the fuck are they talking about with this ‘men into gods’ thing? There’s already one god too many in this miserable universe. What a bunch of kooks!”

 

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We were unable to contact the King of Hell personally because he was interviewing presidential hopefuls at the Republican Governor’s Association convention in Las Vegas

Demon Gould told Cavuto that “to tell you the truth, Honey Maid was not even on our radar screen until those nuts over at the ADA started ranting and raving about ‘gay friendly’ commercials. You would have thought Armageddon was around the corner. We were in a meeting considering options for consolidating our strangle hold on Disney and Starbucks when one of them aired, and the boss just said out of the blue, ‘Hey, what about those dudes over at Honey Maid? We haven’t made any inroads in the snack industry since Drake Foods came up with ‘Devil Dogs’ a few years back.'”

“The idea seemed like a sound one, and besides, you just don’t disagree with the Prince of Darkness. He’s run a successful business for one hell of a long time,” said Gould. “All we want to do is increase our market share, just like any other business, and the cooperation we have received from the Supreme Court lately is really going to help. It’s about time somebody realized that businesses have souls too!”

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Lucifer hopes to follow up on the success of Drake’s wildly popular children’s snack “Counterfeit Cupcakes” with Honey Maid’s new offering, “Satanic Smores”

Cavuto and Gould agreed that the proposed boycott of Honey Maid and Nabisco by religious zealots on the right will have about as much effect as a gnat on an elephant’s ass. “We won’t let these hateful groups have any effect on our plans for the acquisition of Honey Maid or any other business, for that matter,” said Gould. “We will just go on providing the high quality products that humans have become accustomed to receiving from our family of companies. It’s always been their choice as to where they place their trust.”

 

 

 

 

Courageous Walton County Deputy To Be Decorated For Defending Community Against Suspected Terrorist

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dog

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Law enforcement officers in Cretonia are famous for their bravery under fire. This photo shows members of the Spring Break Buzzkill Implementation Squad, dubbed the “Panhandle Pussies” by the press, responding to reports of teenagers throwing empty Budweiser cans off a balcony in Panama City Beach

DeFuniak Springs (CT&P) – Walton County Sheriff’s Deputy Billy Bob “Dogkilla” Jones will be honored tonight at the annual “Profiles in Courage” banquet sponsored by the Florida Peace Officers Malevolent League. The event will take place at the new 1200 square foot DeFuniak Springs Civic Center. Two other local officers will be honored at the banquet, and the public is encouraged to attend.

Deputy Jones will be receiving the “Courage and Dedication To Duty Shown While Unnecessarily Shooting a Canine To Death Medal of Valor.” The award comes as a result of the actions taken by Jones on September 19, 2013 during an incident involving a dog that wandered a few steps past his yard and growled at the deputy and his police cruiser. Deputy Jones took swift and decisive action. He stepped out of his vehicle, and while exposing himself to grave bodily harm, shot the dog with his “nine.”

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Relieved pensioners look on as members of the Joint Rapid Response Task Force clean out a nest of heinous feral cats located dangerously close to the Methuselah Retirement Community in Geriatric Village, Florida

Also honored will be Deputy Joey “Take It Slow” DeCarlo. DeCarlo will be receiving the “Persistence and Indefatigability While Using Advanced Interrogation Techniques On An Underage Drinker Medal of Freedom.” DeCarlo will be receiving the coveted medal for a March 16, 2013 incident in which he suspended a 17-year-old girl from Tennessee off an eighth floor balcony until she coughed up the name of the ringleader of a vicious gang of spring breakers conspiring to buy beer.

Finally, Florida Fish and Game Officer Billy Frank “Grouper Trooper” Hayseed will be receiving the “Charles Whitman Honorary Sniper Award For Murdering The Most Innocuous Wildlife During an Eight Hour Shift.” Officer Hayseed will be afforded the honor for his efforts on July 7, 2013, when he butchered three gopher tortoises, a black bear and two of her cubs, 16 “rabid” possums, two wayward raccoons, one feral cat, and an unknown number of fish who perished after Officer Hayseed dropped a concussion grenade into Chlamydia Creek from the Ralph R. Scrotum Memorial Bridge.

Walton County Sheriff Buford T. “Bull” Smegma will MC the event and all residents of Walton County (excluding illegal aliens and their spawn) are encouraged to attend. Sheriff Smegma told CT&P reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that over two dozen tickets to the event have already been sold at $3.50 per ticket. “That brings us close to our goal of raising a hundred bucks for needy families in Walton County,” said Smegma. “When you combine that with all the loot we have stolen from our own citizens by the reckless application of the asset forfeiture laws, well, the booty really starts to pile up.” Before departing in his 2014 Cadillac Escalade, Sheriff Smegma told Bruce, “I sure hope that you or that freak Dickerson will take the time to attend the party tonight. I’d really like my photo in the paper. I’ll be wearing my brand new custom tailored lime green ‘leisure tux.’ I’m really gonna be stylin’!”

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Members of the SWAT team from Yawning Sinkhole, Florida subdue a heinous feline wanted for vagrancy and drug trafficking. Authorities later found her stash of over two pounds of catnip hidden under an abandoned trailer.

Festivities are planned to begin at 7 PM at the Hernando de Soto Memorial Civic Center in DeFuniak. Barbecued horse meat and “mountain oysters’ will served at the banquet and adult beverages will be available at a cash bar. Those not wishing to drink alcohol should bring bottled water as the tap water at the center and the surrounding area has long been a source of encephalitis outbreaks. All proceeds will benefit the families of officers who have had their feelings hurt in the line of duty.

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Every citizen of Cretonia should get down on their knees and thank God for the diligence shown by the brave members of local law enforcement. This photograph shows Bay County deputies on routine patrol to enforce leash laws on Melanoma Beach

 

Editor’s note: A Walton County deputy has just been cleared of wrongdoing in a case where he shot and killed a pit bull mix while it barked and growled at him from his own yard. This did not occur in a trailer park but in a Santa Rosa Beach neighborhood. To be fair, the dog was not restrained and had supposedly caused problems before. However, the cop made no attempt to use pepper spray or a Taser, and did not call animal control and simply wait inside his cruiser for them to take care of the problem. The abominable law enforcement practice of shooting family pets while serving “no-knock” warrants and during routine traffic stops is widespread across the United States and seems to be growing. Since no records are required to be kept of such incidents, no one is sure of the numbers, but thanks to social media the problem is becoming better publicized. The practice is for the most part another hideous consequence of the ill-advised and utterly useless and counterproductive “War on Drugs,” which has gone a long way to shred our 4th Amendment rights. Take it from me as I have firsthand experience in this matter. Everyone who loves animals and thinks that the militarization of our law enforcement agencies is getting completely out of hand should voice his or her opinion. Don’t wait until there is a drone flying in circles over your neighborhood to take some sort of constructive action.

By the way, the Walton County deputy was cleared of wrongdoing by his fellow law enforcement officers.

Eight-Year-Old “Not Surprised At All” That She Is More Intelligent Than Members Of The South Carolina State Senate

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COLUMBIA-Little Jenny Newberry of Spartanburg, South Carolina thought her idea was simple and straightforward. Since South Carolina is one of only ten states that does not have an official fossil, why not make the Columbian mammoth, whose fossilized teeth were first found in a South Carolina swamp way back in 1725, the official state fossil? The idea made perfect sense to her and a group of her colleagues in the third grade at the We Have The Good Sense To Believe Irrefutable Scientific Evidence When It Is Placed In Front Of  Us Elementary School in Fernwood. However, the group of young, idealistic intellectuals did not take into account the trouble the idea would cause in the Le Brea tar pit of ignorance that is the South Carolina state senate.

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Alabama wants to make an old copy of the Ten Commandments its state fossil

Upon hearing of the heretical idea, Republican state senators Kevin “Dimwit” Bryant and Mark “Doofus” Simpleton sprang into action. They quickly attached an amendment to the proposed fossil bill that included a thank-you note to God for creating the animal kingdom on the sixth day of his universal construction project. The dubious and offensive amendment included a direct quote from the book of Genesis in the Old Testament.

“We thought it would be a good time to thank the creator for his excellent work on the Columbian  mammoth and other extinct species created at around the same time,” said Bryant. “We are still not quite sure why God would create a beast only to have it go extinct, but as you know most of us ignorant hicks attribute to God that which we cannot understand. You know he really works in mysterious ways.”

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Florida officials believe that a rusty nine millimeter handgun would best represent culture in the “Gunshine State”

State Senator Mike “I Am Sometimes” Fair, another Republican, does not support the amendment in its current form. “I don’t think it’s right to single out the Columbian mammoth among all the extinct species that once roamed the earth,” said Fair. “I am currently working on a list of every extinct species we have any evidence of, including intelligent elected officials. I plan to add the entire list to the current bill, which would make the bill a little over 9,000 pages long. We need to be thorough, otherwise the Good Lord could get pissed off and send a tsunami to wipe out Myrtle Beach.”

The controversy in the South Carolina senate has spawned  legislative chaos across America. States are scrambling to rewrite “fossil laws” to better represent their religious majorities. For example, a bill in the Alabama legislature replaces the current state fossil Basilosaurus cetoides with a “really old” stone carving of the Ten Commandments dug up during the construction of Victoryland Greyhound park near Montgomery. Florida is considering making the rusty remnants of a nine millimeter handgun found on Miami Beach its state fossil, and West Virginia has already begun the process of digging up Robert C Byrd in order to put his fossilized remains on display within the rotunda in Charleston.

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Arizona, always the maverick, is bucking the trend by making Senator John McCain its official “living fossil”

For her part, little Jenny Newberry and her friends have completely ditched the state fossil idea. They have moved on and decided to form a think-tank in Spartanburg devoted to the remedial education of South Carolina’s elected officials. “I really did not expect all this hubbub,” said Jenny. “I realize that these guys are not the brightest of bulbs, but one would think that they could pass a simple bill designating a state fossil without having to overcome a veritable maelstrom of stupidity. However, this is just the kind of blinkered Philistine pig ignorance I’ve come to expect that non-creative garbage in the state senate. They sit there on their loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads and not giving a tinker’s cuss for the average third grader struggling with existential concepts. One can only hope that this bunch of political cretins will one day be extinct themselves, because I really don’t hold out much hope for future generations with this crowd in charge.”

Chilean Earthquake And Subsequent Tsunami Linked To Obamacare, Gay Marriage

Posted in environment, health care, humor, politics, religion by

Magnitude eight earthquake off the coast of Chile

WASHINGTON-Embattled Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) appeared on Fox News’ morning show The Village Idiots today and told the hosts of the show that last night’s Chilean earthquake and resulting tsunami were caused by the last-minute stampede to sign up for health insurance on Healthcare.gov. McConnell informed the “confederacy of dunces” that “All of that damn electronic activity caused a seismic event at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean which in turn caused that gall-darn big ass wave.”

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Senator Mitch McConnell appeared on Fox’s The Village Idiots this morning where he blamed Obamacare for every fucking thing that is wrong with America today

The 8.2 magnitude earthquake was centered off the coast of northern Chile and produced waves over two meters high. Six deaths have been attributed to the quake but property damage seems to have been minimal. Tsunami warnings were posted immediately after the quake and most low-lying areas were evacuated before the tsunami reached shore. Chile, which rests on the so-called “Ring of Fire” has long-expected and prepared for an even larger quake and systems are in place to warn the populace of tsunami threats when they appear imminent.

McConnell told the doltish dullards that “Obamacare will eventually cause the complete downfall and destruction of western civilization. It has already been linked to the disaster in Benghazi, the IRS scandal, and the disappearance of Flight 370. Most shockingly, the Young Earth Creationist’s Observatory in my home state has discovered that a comet in the Oort Cloud has changed course and is now heading directly toward earth,” said McConnell. “All this because of Obamacare!”

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McConnell apologized to the dimwit hosts on the show but he had to leave early to get back on the campaign trail in Kentucky

However, not everyone agrees with McConnell. The Right Reverend Pat Robertson, normally a staunch ally of the senator from Kentucky, disagreed on the cause of the earthquake. On his 700 Club broadcast this morning Robertson put the cause of the earthquake squarely on the shoulders of gay marriage. “God is showing his wrath for some states in this country normalizing deviant sexual behavior and legalizing the abomination of gay marriage,” said Robertson. “He showed those heretical voodoo bastards in Haiti who was boss a few years back and now he’s taking action against gay marriage!” When his co-host asked Pat why Chile was being punished for America’s sins, Robertson replied “Well, God works in mysterious ways. Maybe he is slowing the influx of illegal aliens from Chile so they won’t be exposed to our disgraceful and ungodly behavior.”

As we have noted before in previous columns, Pat Robertson is clearly insane.

Historical revisionist and conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck had yet another take on the disaster. “This earthquake is clearly the work of a renegade cabal of Freemasons,” said Beck. “I have been warning you people for a long time that the Freemasons possess technology far in advance of any other group on earth. They clearly have been given earthquake technology from some alien race bent on the destruction of the U.S. Constitution and the American way of life. There’s just no other reasonable explanation for this event.”

Although all three theories are gaining ground with the American public via Fox News and right-wing radio, the most logical explanation for the seismic event seems to be subduction, the process of one tectonic plate moving underneath another. Imagine that.

 

 

As Hopes Fade Of Finding Brain, Bachmann Believed To Be On “Zombie Autopilot”

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michele bachmann is an idiot

WASHINGTON-As hopes fade for ever locating and recovering Michele Bachmann’s mind, a team of experts is analyzing data from a variety of sources in order to chart the rapid deterioration of her prefrontal cortex. The team hopes that by doing this a reasonable hypothesis can be made as to the cause of Bachmann’s erratic course and irrational flights of fancy.

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Dr. John Bigboote is leading the team from Yoyodyne that is desperately trying to locate Representative Bachmann’s mind

The team of distinguished scientists and physicians from Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey specializes in assessing brain damage and degenerative mental disorders. It is focusing its efforts on analyzing appearances made by Bachmann over the last few weeks on Fox as well as legitimate news outlets.

“The data strongly indicates that Representative Bachmann is suffering from the progressive deterioration of her higher mental function,” said Dr. John Bigboote, who leads the team. “You can clearly see that she has little or no ability left to reason or comprehend anything above a sixth grade level. In fact, it appears her body is being sustained by the primitive parts of her brain such as the cerebellum and spinal cord. Her frontal lobes are almost completely shut down,” said Dr. Bigboote. “Right now, Michele Bachmann is little more than an oversized bipedal lizard. I guess you could call her a ‘Jesus Lizard,'” he chuckled.

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Editor’s note: Our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker visited Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems late last week in order to get an interview for this article. He has not been the same since. He is convinced the planet is being taken over by an alien race of “Red Lectroids” from Planet 10 by way of the 8th Dimension. We have granted him sick leave to seek medical treatment.

Dr. John Small Berries, a well-known brain surgeon and expert in inter-dimensional time travel, told our reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the team has been tracking a series of “ghostly pings”originating from Bachmann’s medulla oblongata that are apparently meant to communicate with her prefrontal cortex. “According to our data, Bachmann’s brain functions have shut down one-by-one over a period of several years. Whether these actions were self-inflicted or the result of some terrorist act on the part of the left-wing of the Democrat party is totally unknown,” said Small Berries.

Dr. John Yaya, another member of the team from Yoyodyne, told “The Coyote” that “We really have no clue at this time just where in the hell Bachmann’s mind is at. It could be anywhere from the jungles of Vietnam to somewhere at the bottom of the Indian Ocean. It’s a real mystery.”

Dr. Bigboote told our earstwhile reporter that time is running out for finding and recovering Bachmann’s aimlessly wandering mind. “We are analyzing new data the minute it comes in, but we can’t expect Bachmann’s brain stem to last too much longer. The information we could recover from her memory banks could go a long way in explaining her inane remarks and asinine actions on the floor of the House, but if the ‘battery life’ on her neural ‘black box’ runs out, we’re basically fucked.”

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus And Satan Distance Themselves From Pat Robertson And Christian Right

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GENEVA-At a press conference held this morning in neutral Switzerland, the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace hastened to distance themselves from televangelist and right-wing kook Pat Robertson. Robertson’s unhinged tirade on his “700 Club” broadcast last week seems to have triggered the unprecedented joint press conference.

“We’re used to Pat foaming at the mouth and blaming every conceivable tragedy on us,” said Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar. “What made this time different was that Robertson managed to insult the leaders of both major religions as well as every sentient being in this galaxy with an IQ over 50.”

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Archangel Gabriel, one of Christ’s political advisors, suggested that Robertson may have suffered a stroke during the broadcast which could account for his irrational outburst

Robertson, winner of the coveted “Bigot of the Year Award” for 2013, went berserk on his show last Wednesday, ranting about Jesus having a part-time job in a bakery and recalling the “good old days” when gay people were stoned to death in the town square. Robertson informed his mainly elderly and infirm viewers that back in the “Golden Age” if “two men decided they wanted to cohabit together they would have been stoned to death.”

Robertson went on to rave, “So Jesus would not have baked them a wedding cake or nor would he have made them a bed to sleep in because they wouldn’t have been there.” Robertson went on to lament the current state of affairs in the United States where stoning is unfortunately against the law. “We don’t have that in this country so that’s the way it is.” Robertson wiped a tear from his eye before continuing; “homosexuality is a meaningless exercise because it doesn’t go anywhere.” At this point Phil Robertson (no biologic relation but a brother in hatred) of Duck Dynasty fame and a guest on the show, interjected: “Yeah Pat, that’s right! Besides, women have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

Robertson was not finished, however. He went on to insult Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, by stating “The Devil is trying to say, ‘I’m going to destroy your progeny any way I can. If you kill your babies, that’s fine. If you deny the chance of having babies (by being homosexual) then that’s fine too.'”

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Lucifer appeared in one of his less threatening guises in order to stress his cooperative nature

The leaders of the two major religious organizations in the known universe found Robertson’s tirade a little over the top and decided to hold the presser in order to make their positions clear.

A coin was flipped and Jesus won, so he went first.

“I just wanted to make it clear that all humans are equal in my eyes. Everyone is welcome regardless of race, creed, color, or sexual preference, and I’m really am tired of having to take so many antacids to fight off the nausea caused by ignorant and hateful statements made in my name. And another thing: I am a carpenter, not a freaking baker. I’d be lost in a bakery. I have absolutely no clue how to bake a wedding cake, for Heaven’s sake.”

Mephistopheles then approached the lectern to enthusiastic applause from the representatives of the press. He began: “Thanks guys! I just want to say that all this whining about not wanting folks to reproduce is a bunch of horse shit. I love kids and I really love the process that spawns them. Have you guys seen my new monument in  Oklahoma City? It’s one of the few child-friendly monuments in the United States. In fact, that “suffer the little children” line in the New Testament was originally mine. Matthew was always screwing up his quotes and attributions. The guy was a tax-collector for God’s sake, not a Jewish version of Homer.”

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The two charismatic leaders seemed happy to see each other in person and made time for a little male bonding

At this point Jesus interrupted and said, “OK, let’s stay on track here Lou. What both of us would like to make clear is that there is no room for intolerance in either the Divine or Satanic Parties. We don’t countenance bigotry or hatred in any of its myriad forms. Neither one of us could really give a damn what goes on in anyone’s bedroom. Marry who you want to. Just treat your partner with respect, that’s all we’re saying.”

“That’s right,” said the Devil. Prejudice and tribalism are downright counterproductive. We all have to live in this neck of the firmament, so why can’t we all just get along?”

The press conference ended with the two leaders shaking hands and promising a new era of bipartisanship between the parties.

Alabama Congressional Candidate Will Brooke Guns Down Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius

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Alabama-congressional-candidate-Will-Brooke-YouTube

MONTGOMERY-Desperate to prop up a sagging campaign, Alabama congressional candidate Will Brooke pumped U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius full of lead late yesterday afternoon. Sabelius miraculously survived the attack and was airlifted to U.A.B. Medical Center in nearby Birmingham. Sabelius had been visiting the campus of Auburn University as part of a tour of southern college campuses in an attempt to get young people to sign up for Obamacare.

Mr. Brooke ambushed Secretary Sabelius as she strolled across a field at the Auburn School of Veterinary Medicine. Sources say

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Brooke emptied an entire clip from his AR-15 into Secretary Sabelius’ resilient hide

that Brooke had laid in wait for Sabelius for three days without food or water. He was camouflaged in a custom-made Ghillie suit which resembled an enormous pile of cow manure. Mr. Brooke used a .270 Cooper rifle to knock down Sebelius at a range of over 100 yards. He then raised himself into a kneeling position and fired a rocket-propelled grenade at Sabelius and her staff.

An eyewitness to the event, a Mr. Gus Malzahn, said that after firing the RPG,  Brooke jumped up and began screaming “ROLL TIDE ROLL, YOU BITCH! ” Then Mr. Brooke charged Sabelius and her advisors while spraying lead with a converted AR-15. Brooke managed to pin Sabelius against an a farm tractor and emptied an entire clip into her a la “Sonny” in The Godfather. Not satisfied, Brooke whipped out a .40 Glock and administered what he thought was the coup de grace.

Mr. Brooke then immediately ran to a nearby television van and held an impromptu press conference. “I would just like to tell the voters of Alabama that I have taken this action in order to prove my dedication to repealing the scourge of Obamacare. The dream of denying healthcare to the poor must never die!”

Meanwhile, a life flight helicopter arrived on the scene to transport the apparently immortal Sabelius to a nearby hospital. Paramedics credited Sabelius’ survival to her almost impervious epidermis. One medic remarked, “That woman has a hide on her like a rhinoceros. I guess it’s from being exposed to all those vapid and inane questions from Republicans on the Health and Human Services Committee.”

Incredulous and frustrated at Sabelius’ apparent survival, Brooke ran to his nearby pickup truck and retrieved a shoulder fired

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Brooke used a shoulder-fired Stinger to try to bring down a life-flight chopper, but it veered off course and exploded harmlessly over a nearby greyhound track

Stinger ground-to-air missile. He then launched the missile at the chopper while yelling, “Die, health care whore!” Fortunately the projectile went awry and missed the helicopter. It was only learned later than the missile detonated in the middle of Victoryland Greyhound Park where it caused no injuries.

 The entire sordid affair was televised by the local Fox affiliate in nearby Montgomery. Anchors expressed surprise and disappointment that Secretary Sabelius survived the assault but felt that the failure would probably not hurt Mr. Brooke’s chances in the upcoming Republican primary.

Florida Joins Iran and North Korea In International Bloodletting Contest

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by
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Governor Rick Scott is pushing a bill through the Florida legislature that would bring back the guillotine

TALLAHASSEE-Governor Rick Scott and other right-wing politicians in Florida were said to be “beside themselves” with excitement after Amnesty International’s release of its annual report on execution rates around the globe. Governor Skeletor appeared at a press conference early this morning in Tallahassee to trumpet the success of the state’s “Timely Justice Act” which was passed and signed into law last year.

“We have busted our collective butt to streamline the process of state-sponsored killing in Cretonia,” said Governor Scott. “The

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Governor Scott’s origins are shrouded in mystery, but he is thought to be the reincarnation of the Aztec snake god Crotalus

figures just released by Amnesty prove that the new law is putting us right up there with some of the most respected champions of legalized murder. We even edged out Texas for third place! All our efforts have not been in vain and I couldn’t be more proud.”

According to the statistics, Florida moved in front of Texas in 2013 in the total number of death sentences handed down by highly educated and compassionate Florida juries. Not surprisingly, Florida also holds the all time record of convicted death-row prisoners that turned out to be completely innocent.

“I think we can all live with a few mistakes, unless of course you happen to be poor or black,” Scott chuckled.

The mistake rate more than likely stems from the fact that Florida only requires a 7-5 vote of jurors to hand down a death sentence. “We are trying to change that for the better,” said Scott. “I have sponsored a new bill that will allow us to bypass the lengthy and expensive trial process altogether and move to a system of immediate execution of suspects if three out of four investigating officers think that the “perp” is guilty. “We need to take the responsibility out of the hands of these uneducated hicks that make up our population,” said Scott. “I think everyone would agree that experienced cops would make better decisions.”

“Florida is proud to take the lead in speedy and efficient termination of human life, except of course when it involves giving women

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George Zimmerman is a finalist for one of Florida’s coveted new “celebrity executioner” positions

control of their own bodies,” crowed Governor Snakehead. “We in Florida believe a woman’s place is in the home and a negro’s place is on the scaffold.”

Other states are scrambling to keep up with Florida’s torrid pace. Texas Governor Rick Perry told reporters that “Those upstarts over there in the Gunshine State may think they can win this contest but they ain’t seen nothing yet! We intend on conducting a state-wide human barbecue the likes of which the world has never seen.”

Although the total number of executions in the United States fell last year, along with student’s test scores, America managed to proudly stay within the top five countries who execute prisoners. America is still a contender for the abomination award alongside Iraq, China, Saudi Arabia, and Iran.

 

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part Eight)

Posted in entertainment, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by

If you are a young dude in training to become a wildlife officer or “Grouper Trooper” in the state of Florida, try not to sleep through “Giant Reptile Apprehension” class. In general it is best to approach dangerous alligators from the ass-end thus avoiding jaws equipped with razor-sharp teeth and with the crushing power of an automobile compactor. It might also be advisable to avoid obstacles such as curbs over which you could trip and thus come face to face with your reptilian adversary.

robotsweeper

Always strive to keep your home as clean as a microchip manufacturing facility. Keep your floors clean by purchasing at least six overpriced and inefficient robotic sweepers. That way a team of two sweepers can be on duty around the clock bumping into things and terrorizing your pets. Attaching high-powered rescue strobe beacons to the robotic devices will help guests avoid tripping over them when they get up to urinate in the middle of the night. So what if your neighbors think they are living next to an indoor airport? Cleanliness should be your first consideration. You never know when a physician may want to conduct a kidney transplant on your kitchen floor.

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If you have reached the point in life where you are rationally weighing the all-important decision as to your lifetime sexual preference, take your time and make a wise choice. Even thinking about having sex with another of your own gender could land you in the “Lake of Fire” for the rest of eternity. All this talk of brain chemistry, biology, and genetics is just a bunch of crap liberals have cooked up to force the gay agenda down our throats. Remember, it’s your choice!

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If a friend or relative is staying in your home and he is scurrying around attempting to make a deadline or get ready for an appointment, pepper him with questions like “Do you know what time it is? What time is your appointment? How long does it take to get there?” Then, make a statement like “You should have started getting ready much earlier.” This will serve the dual purpose of accelerating his slide into insanity while encouraging the procrastinating bastard to plan better next time.

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When hiring a chauffeur it is always best to pick someone who has a solid work record and a stable home life. Remember, your life will be in his hands.

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If you move to a new city, one of the most important decisions you will make will be the choice of a family physician. Choose one who can relate to your mental state and all of your fucked-up obsessions and syndromes. Make sure that the dude will readily prescribe the narcotics you so desperately need in order to function in society.

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When choosing a place to worship in your new town, be sure to visit several compounds before making a final decision. Don’t be too particular about belief systems; just make sure the pastor is charismatic and fun to be around. You don’t want to get bored.

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If you are a young person and have yet to decide on your drug of choice, don’t waste time with gateway drugs. You are only given a brief time on this planet so get with the program! Pot and alcohol are for chicken-shit pansies. Opt instead for something that will really kick your ass and is easy to obtain or manufacture at home. For God’s sake enjoy yourself before you get old and decrepit.

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If you have the attention span of a squirrel on amphetamines and tend to get on some people’s nerves, then for Christ’s sake see a physician and get a script for Valium or Xanax so that those of us who love you won’t some day be charged with manslaughter.

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If you are a dog catcher for a canine concentration camp that murders innocents, just what in the fuck is wrong with you anyway? I can personally think of thousands of people who should be scooped up and taken away before the first dog should be harmed. Do us all a favor and drive your truck into a swamp. By the way, you are even less popular than President Obama or the U.S. Congress. Your best bet is to gas yourself as soon as you can find the time.

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Instead of hiring overpriced lazy ass repairmen to work in your home, get a couple of books on-line and do all of your own home repairs, especially easy to fix items such as electrical wiring. Remember, every penny you save can be used to pay for emergency room visits.

Management tip of the week: If you thrive on pettiness and the enforcement of absolutely senseless rules, choose a career as a corrections officer. It is a thankless job with low pay and high risk, but the benefits are alright, there will be opportunities for graft,  and it will make you feel good to know that you around people who are even more miserable than yourself.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.