Category Archives: politics

Florida Woman Shot Dead After Brandishing Vagina

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LS003148Editor’s Note: As part of our week-long salute to Florida law enforcement we are dredging up interesting stories from the recent past involving “peace officers” and some of their unfortunate victims. Residents of Greater Cretonia will be well aware of some of these stories but we did not want to miss the chance of enlightening our national and international readers. This story first appeared in the fall of 2012.

TAMPA-Two off-duty cops “fatally killed” a naked woman at a social gathering Saturday afternoon in Hernando County, north of Tampa. A news release from the Hernando County Sheriff’s department stated that the men were approached by an “armed, naked, and irrational female.” The two men felt they had no choice but draw their weapons and fire.

The two lawmen were identified as Detective Rocky “Winchester” Howard of the Hernando County Sheriff’s Department and Officer William “Machine Gun” Mechler of the Tampa Police Department. The woman has not been identified pending notification of next of kin.

The two officers in question appeared at a brief press conference outside a Tampa Waffle House before going on paid administrative leave as required by the labyrinthine criminal justice system in Florida. Detective Howard stated, “The woman was totally naked. She approached us and brandished the vagina in a threatening and malevolent manner. There was no way for us to tell at the time whether it was loaded or just what her intentions were. However, I have been married three times and know full well just how dangerous a vagina can be. We were mortified and unfortunately felt we had no choice but to give the woman a few extra holes.”

Officer Mechler told reporters “I have never seen a vagina out in the open like that. Usually crimes like this are limited to the bedroom or one of our numerous strip-clubs. I was out of my mind with fear. It’s a damn good thing we were carrying our weapons. I don’t know what would have happened if we had not been at the party. A loose vagina wandering around the neighborhood unchecked could have caused massive property damage and posed a threat to the liberty of every man within a ten-mile radius.”

A spokesperson for Hernando County told reporters that the Florida Department of Law Enforcement will lead the investigation into the shooting, thus insuring that the two officers will be cleared of any wrongdoing. Some bystanders questioned the use of deadly force because the woman was “just doing what she does every time she consumes her daily bottle of ‘Don Cossack’ vodka.”

The shooting comes only two weeks after University of South Alabama freshman Gil Morgan was shot dead by campus police after brandishing a penis in a “vile and threatening manner.”

Governor Rick Scott issued a press release warning all law enforcement agencies that Florida and areas adjacent in Greater Cretonia seem to be in the middle of a crime spree featuring the use of sexual organs as deadly weapons. He has set up a meeting with lawmakers to push a bill in the state legislature which would shut down every adult novelty store within the state and ban the use of the prescription medication Viagra. “I hope this bill will be as effective as the law we passed earlier this year which made physicians around the state absolutely terrified to prescribe pain medication to anyone at all, even cancer patients with only weeks to live. We would also move to shut down all the state’s strip clubs if they did not represent such an integral part of Florida culture and provide such impressive tax revenues. The good citizens of Florida deserve to live their lives free from the threat of exposed sexual organs!”

Florida Cops Jailed Because Of “Slightly Unusual Activity”

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Editor’s Note: We realize that this story will be old news to most of  our readers in Greater Cretonia but being the subversive liberals that we are we could not resist kicking off our week-long salute to Florida law enforcement with this gem. So enjoy!

LAUDERHILL, FL-A May 24th, 2012 traffic stop eventually led to disaster for the two police officers pictured above. Officer Thomas Merenda (left) and Officer Franklin Hartley (right) were jailed earlier last year for actions that a police spokesman called “a little outside the realm of normal police duties.”

It seems that two women were pulled over by Officer Merenda and told to follow him into a nearby parking lot. The women had been drinking at one of the over six dozen strip clubs located in the area. As frequenting strip clubs is a common and encouraged practice within the state, the women were perplexed as to the reason for the stop. Officer Merenda informed the women that although he appreciated their interest in the female anatomy, he could not tolerate their obviously high blood-alcohol level and threatened to jail them if they did not “cooperate.”

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Officer misconduct often stems from the manner in which new officers are recruited. This recruiting poster for Bay County was accompanied by an ad in the local paper touting the job saying “Be your own boss! Get the best dope! Company car provided with a variety of weapons and a go-go cage for late night entertainment! More info at iwannabeacop.org

Apparently fearing that he was not man enough to handle two “wildcats” at the same time, Officer Merenda contacted his buddy Officer Hartley for backup. Hartley arrived shortly thereafter and the party commenced. According to arrest reports, Hartley ordered one of the lucky gals to perform oral sex on him. This done, he then proceeded to have intercourse with the woman in the vacant parking lot, which of course is considered a very romantic setting by many citizens throughout Greater Cretonia.

Officer Merenda, being the more unconventional of the pair, demanded that the other woman “punch him in the nuts.” By this he meant that he wanted the woman to strike his groin area with great force and enthusiasm with her fist or any handy blunt instrument. The woman complied with Officer Merenda’s wishes and everyone went home happy. Or so the officers thought.

Later, the women reported the incident to authorities and an investigation was reluctantly begun. It seems that copious evidence proving the veracity of the women’s statement was uncovered in the form of women’s undergarments, DNA, etc., at the crime scene. The GPS monitors on the officer’s cruisers confirmed that the party in the parking lot lasted roughly an hour and a half.

A spokesman for the Lauderhill Police Department told reporters that information had been uncovered regarding Officer Merenda’s masochistic tendencies and that somehow he had slipped through the screening process. “We really like our officers to be a little more conventional when it comes to their sexual preferences. However, we want to emphasize that the department is not here to tell anyone, including our officers, what they should do within the privacy of their own bedroom or in any nearby parking lots.”

After exhaustive research (one Google search) we here at the Times-Picayune have been unable to determine if the case has yet gone to trial. The officers were arrested last August. The case and charges against the officers may have been “disappeared” as is so often the case in Florida. Officer misconduct, as we shall see over the next week, continues to be a problem throughout Cretonia because of low pay, long hours and hazardous working conditions offered to young officers. It is not easy policing a population that reminds one of a pack of Neandertals drinking Budweiser and packing automatic weapons. However, “hope springs eternal,” and we all optimistically await a bright and sunny future for Florida. (If we manage to elect some Democrats)

In Honor Of Black History Month Manatee County Florida Eliminates Minority-Heavy Polling Places

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kuklux

Name tags are usually worn to identify members of the board

MANATEE COUNTY, FL-At a public meeting last Tuesday, the Manatee County Board of Commissioners voted 6-1 to trim the number of voting precincts within the county in order to “save money” and offer more early voting sites “sometime in the future.” The vote was along party lines, with the only “no” vote coming from the single Democrat on the board. The proposal was put forward by Supervisor of Elections and part-time Obergruppenfuhrer Mike Bennett.

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Republican members of the Board of Commissioners were unmoved by speeches made against the proposal

The move will cut in half the number of polling places in District 2, which is minority-heavy. During the public comment section of the meeting all ten speeches opposed the proposal. The local chapter of the NAACP and the Southern Christian Leadership Council also opposed the move.

Mr. Bennett brushed aside objections by saying that “District 2 had received preferential treatment in the past,” and it was time that they pulled their own weight. He said, “If the folks in District 2 are just too lazy and shiftless to wait six or seven hours in line in order to vote, then to hell with them.”

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Mr. Bennett appeared before reporters sans his trademark hood

Mr. Bennett has long been an advocate of making it difficult for blacks and other minorities to vote. In 2011 and 2012 he backed “election reform” bills designed to make it harder for Democrats in general and blacks in particular to vote in statewide elections. The new law resulted in long lines outside polling places all over Florida. Mr. Bennett was unmoved by the long lines and said to a group of reporters, “I want the people of Florida to want to vote as bad as that person in Africa who’s willing to walk 200 miles…This should not be easy.”

Mr. Bennett then excused himself and left the meeting because, according to an aide, he had a late-night rally to attend in a nearby field.

After Moving Testimony, Case Goes To Jury In Latest Florida ‘Stand Your Ground’ Trial

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In early 2013 a Florida jury found these citizen-shooters innocent of wrongdoing because the black folks in question were illegally parked in a handicapped zone

JACKSONVILLE-The judge, jury, and many of the citizens of Cretonia were left in tears Tuesday after hearing Michael Dunn’s poignant testimony during his trial for the murder of 17-year-old Jordan Davis, who was shot to death by Dunn during an altercation at a gas station.

Dunn explained that he politely asked an SUV full of teenage blacks to “turn down their trashy jungle music so I could hear myself think.” The request led to a spirited debate between Dunn and what he called “that gang of thugs.” Dunn went on to explain that the group was hurling “hurtful epithets” and they sought to “disparage me and my girlfriend with slanderous lies and malignant untruths.” Dunn continued, “They cast aspersions on my character and tried to denigrate me in front of everyone at the 7-11. It began to be too much for me to bear. I felt the sting of their verbal attack all over my body. It was really beginning to hurt my feelings.”

According to witnesses, Dunn then began to empty “his nine” into the carload of unarmed kids. “I asked Rhonda for the bazooka but the dumb tart handed me one of our pistols instead. I felt I had no choice but to empty the entire ten-round clip into the SUV just to be on the safe side.” The driver of the aggrieved SUV managed to get moving at this point and “got the fuck out of there.”

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Michael Dunn is a computer programmer and has only recently taken up the popular Cretonian pastime of gunning-down unarmed minority youths

Dunn testified that he then went back to his hotel with his fiancée Rhonda Rouer, ordered a pizza and watched an episode of Duck Dynasty before peacefully falling asleep. He did mention he had some stomach upset but attributed that to the pizza. He did not bother to alert the police of the incident because “hell, this is Florida and things like this happen every day.”

Mr. Dunn expressed absolutely no remorse for his actions but became quite emotional when he wondered aloud what would happen to his puppy if he were convicted. The dog, a 7 month old German Shepherd named Goebbels, is currently being cared for by members of his family.

Dunn’s attorney, an Italian gentleman named Diabolo Advocato, told reporters that Dunn was completely innocent of all charges because the “Stand Your Ground” law and the decision in the Trayvon Martin case made it clear that, in Florida at least, it was “open season” on unarmed teenage minorities. “I am confident that this jury will come back with the correct decision and set my client free,” said Advocato. The odor of sulfur hung in the air long after Mr. Advocato had left the podium.

Flowers and letters of support have been arriving at the courthouse and at Dunn’s home from people all over Florida. Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson even took time off from promoting her small role in the latest bizarre and delusional Christian persecution flick to praise Dunn’s courage to take the stand in his own defense.

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Mr. Advocato during closing arguments

Perhaps Dunn’s most fervent supporter has been Wayne LaPierre, President of the National Rifle Association. When reached for comment LaPierre stated, “We are all pulling for Mike. The only criticism I have of the situation is that the weapon of choice when blasting a carload of blacks is an AR-15 with an extended clip, or at the very least a military model automatic shotgun. Everyone knows that. But other than that, I have no complaints regarding Mr. Dunn’s actions.”

As mentioned above, the case has now gone to the jury and they are deliberating. No one knows how long they will be out or what the decision will be. However, in closing arguments Dunn’s lawyer did make it clear that if the jury came back with a guilty verdict “they would have hell to pay.”

Local Woman Wins Gold In Sochi!

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olympicSOCHI- Defuniak Springs, a sleepy hamlet in the heart of the Cretonian Panhandle, is home to our latest Olympic champion. The coveted gold medal in Winter Nagging went to resident Charlotte Ratched, a probation officer and part-time nurse at the facility where her husband is an outpatient. It’s the biggest news to hit the area since the Panhandle Possum Festival moved to nearby Wausau.

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Mrs Ratched in training with her beleaguered husband last fall

The obscure Olympic event was held at various isolated cabins in the snowy mountains north of the main venues. It consists of a female contestant being placed in an icebound cabin along with a retired USMC drill sergeant. The contestant who forces the retired Marine to beg for mercy in the shortest period of time wins the event. No physical contact is allowed and the event is closely monitored by judges via closed circuit cameras.

Mrs Ratched used derisive sarcasm, unrelenting mockery, caustic ridicule and venomous scorn to drive the poor drill sergeant to push the panic button in less than one hour. Her whining complaints, gripes, and grumbling could be heard over 3/4 of a mile away at the next cabin. By the time security reached the cabin Staff Sergeant Max Slaughter was standing at the edge of a precipice preparing to jump.

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Leonia Wilson from Detroit, Michigan won the silver medal

Mrs Ratched’s husband Bill was unable to attend the medal ceremony but we reached him by phone at the Walton County Mental Health Center just outside Defuniak Springs. “We are so proud of her. She has finally proved that she is the very best at what she does every day and night of her life. There is no subject known to science on which she is not an expert. She offers direction, instruction, and criticism on any and every project we ever do around here, regardless of her lack of experience. The woman is for all practical purposes omniscient.”

Her coach, right-wing pundit Ann Coulter, was equally proud. “This woman has overcome a below average IQ and little formal education to reach the summit in her chosen sport and pastime. It reminds me so much of myself. I just can’t tell you how pleased we are.” Ms Coulter spent countless hours teaching Ratched the fine art of unfounded criticism, irrational attack, and acidic backbiting. Coulter will likely be credited with pushing Ratched over the top by revealing to Charlotte her secret method of minimal caloric intake in order to induce a constant state of irritability that is vital for competition-level nagging.

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Jamie Watkins from nearby Montgomery, Alabama was in the running for a medal but was disqualified for using “banned devices”

A gala welcome home festival is planned in Defuniak next week. The three major employers in the area, Walmart, the Florida Department of Corrections, and Jim Bob’s Leisure Suits, Taxidermy, and Small Engine Repair will sponsor the event.

Editor’s Note: Readers that grew up in the area may remember Bill Ratched as Bill Jones. He assumed his wife’s last name when they were married seven years ago. Bill told our reporter he did it out of respect, but his therapists think it was done out of “abject fear.” He is known around town simply as “Schmuck.” Rumors that Mr. Ratched was recently found in his garage with his car’s engine running cannot be confirmed at this time. Mr. Ratched was supposedly found after an incident at a local Pizza Hut in which Charlotte “got medieval on his ass.”

Winter Storm Update: Scores Of Cretins Found Comatose As Meth Supply Dwindles Across The Southeast

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PANAMA CITY, FLORIDA-Government officials are becoming alarmed by the increasing number of citizens found sound asleep in their cars, on their lawns, and in a variety of public places around Greater Cretonia. It seems that the region’s drug users and suppliers are not immune to the paralyzing effects of Winter Storm Leon.sleep

The Bay County Sheriff’s department has reported at least 249 instances of residents found asleep in odd places in the last 24 hours alone. Thousands more have been sighted in rural areas around the southeast.

Sheriff’s department spokesman Billy Bob Scrotum spoke with CNN early this morning: “It’s crazy as hell out there. We’ve found folks asleep behind the wheel of their pickups, ATV’s, aluminum bass boats, and even on old Schwinn sleep5bicycles. We’ve found comatose junkies halfway out of their trailers and in their yards. We even found one dude curled up next to the pink flamingo beside his work shed. The neighbors said he kept asking it for a syringe before passing out. One girl fell asleep halfway from her car to the door of the CVS down on the corner of Robert E. Lee Avenue and Jeff Davis Memorial Parkway. Frankly we are at a loss for what to do here. We simply do not have enough cells to house all these nuts.” Deputy Scrotum was then called away to the site of the 6th exploding trailer of the morning.sleep2

CNN also interviewed Billy Wayne “Shakes” Snodgrass, a highly respected “chef” and founder of the ‘Two Men and a Meth Lab’ franchise so popular in rural America. “I want all of my loyal customers out there to know that help is on the way. We have set our carefully planned and organized Meth Relief Plan in motion. I have mobilized all of our dealers who own horses and mules and we will be making deliveries as soon as possible. I know the weather has made it impossible for all you amateurs to get to the drug store for supplies, but always remember we are there for you. Try to stay awake until we arrive and have your cash or stolen electronics ready. A special note for our female customers, I’m sorry but we just won’t have time to tradesleep3 powder for sex until the authorities get off their asses and clear the roads.”

Temperatures across Cretonia are expected to rise in the next few days which should make supply runs possible for suffering addicts. The only problem will be waking them up from deep comas as many of them have gone for several years without sleep of any kind.sleep6

Fox News: “Thousands Dead Of Hypothermia Across The Southeast-Obamacare To Blame”

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NEW YORK-Fox News Channel continued its relentless attack on Obamacare this morning by blaming Winter Storm Leon on the Affordable Care Act. On the “coffee klatch” Fox News program Fox and Friends, aka Tres Idiotas, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was interviewed and gave the far-right Neandertal take on the events of the last 24 hours.

Cruz said “This tragedy across the southeast highlights the dangers of socialism in general and Obamacare in particular. Thousands of people were frozen alive in their vehicles after they ran out of gas on interstates, and tens of thousands more were trapped at work or at schools. I have it on good authority (Pat Robertson) that Winter Storm Leon represented the wrath of God aimed at the citizens of the southeast for allowing Obamacare to pass without seceding from the Union and going to war.”

With the three dim-witted hosts nodding agreement, Senator Cruz continued: “If America has any chance at all to survive the disasters that are in store for us in near future, it is vitally important that I be elected President so I can repeal Obamacare by executive order and do away with health care for the poor once and for all. I also see no need for Medicare, Medicaid, or Social Security. Pat told me that he has been informed by the Almighty that if Americans can’t fend for themselves, the next disaster will be a meteor the size of Rhode Island impacting the mid-section of our country. We just can’t take that risk.”

Senator Cruz then excused himself as aides dressed in hospital scrubs escorted him off the set.

Florida Declares Martial Law Ahead Of Advancing Cold Front

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armoredunits

TALLAHASSEE-Governor Rick Scott has declared martial law throughout Greater Cretonia after the National Weather Service predicted a slight drop in temperatures, some minor icing, and possible snow flurries in parts of northern Florida. Police and fire departments, hospitals, schools, and strip clubs are gearing up for the extreme conditions that are expected to arrive sometime Tuesday. National Guard troops, sheriff’s deputies, and local policemen have been put on high alert and warned that they may face extended duty for several weeks.

At an emotional press conference earlier today, a tearful Governor Scott stated “We Floridians intend to ‘Stand Our Ground’ against this cold front, and I just want our citizens to have a fighting chance to survive the crescendo of doom that is building in our state. Those of you who have been around a while will remember that the last time it snowed in northwest Florida there were a number of tragic deaths. Cretins emerging from their mobile homes were struck and killed by vehicular traffic as they stared skyward in bewilderment, and those who made desperate bids to replenish beer supplies ended up causing pile-ups from Mobile to Jacksonville.”

Scott continued, “I have initiated our DEATHSTORM 2014 governmental and corporate action plan. All liquor stores should make sure inventories are sufficient to supply those few Floridians that are gainfully employed, in addition to their regular customers. Gentlemen’s clubs should call in all off-duty dancers and make sleeping arrangements for the girls out back or in supply rooms. Every Wal-Mart Supercenter should be prepared for a veritable tsunami of the elderly seeking milk and bread, and every retail outlet in the state should make sure that their fleet of Hoverounds is at full charge.”

Florida Governor Rick Scott Attends Hurricane Conference

An emotional Rick Scott at DEATHSTORM presser this morning

“As regards governmental preparedness, I have called out the National Guard and shifted those units with tracked vehicles to the north so as to better deal with the arctic conditions we expect at mid-week. I have also recalled approximately 50,000 of our over 300,000 probation officers and re-tasked them as snipers so that we’ll be ready to pick-off any looters trying to take advantage of this once in a lifetime meteorological event.”

Scott wiped a tear from his eye and concluded the press conference by saying, “With the help of God and your lovable and honest  state and local officials, we can make it through this crisis. We Floridians know what it’s like to endure hardship because we subject ourselves to it every day. Hurricane Andrew,  the Challenger disaster, the 2000 presidential election, our lousy schools and archaic legal system, all of these things have toughened us up and prepared us for this approaching cataclysm. God bless you and God bless the state of Florida!”

“Daddy, Why Are Dogs So Much Better Than Human Beings?”

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Millie

“Daddy, why are dogs so much better than human beings?”

“Because son, dogs aren’t raised to look down on other dogs or people because they are of a different race, religion, social status, or because they are poor. Besides, dogs are able to lick their own genitals, which reduces stress and makes life much less complex.”

“Thanks Dad. That makes perfect sense.”

“Anytime, son.”

“Ordinarily I Am Insane, But In Rare Lucid Moments I Am Merely Stupid”

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DALLAS-Former Fox News personality, radio talk show host, and dangerously unhinged humanoid Glenn Beck announced Tuesday that demonic forces were derailing his attempts to get cable providers to carry his television network, The Blaze. Beck was on ‘Washington Watch’ with Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council when he revealed the stunning news.

Mr. Beck was promoting his “Get The Blaze Day of Action” campaign in which wingnuts such as himself are encouraged to phone their cable providers and “demand” they carry Beck’s nutty television network. Beck’s network is world-renowned for misreporting, taking quotes out of context and complete fabrications. Among other things, The Blaze will sometimes report unusual events as being “miracles.” “If we are going to print it or we are going to say it, it’s either a miracle or it’s not. I believe in miracles. Do we believe in miracles or not? As a company we do, as a nation we used to, and if we are going to survive we must,” said Beck.

Later, Beck complained and seemed to be despondent over the fact that more enthusiasm had not been shown for his hard work. He appeared incredulous that cable providers are not jumping at the chance to pick up his network. He claimed that it had nothing to do with the screwball content of his shows, but “hidden forces” were preventing his success. “You also have other forces at work that aren’t necessarily earthly forces that would like to see voices silenced,” said Beck.

We at the Times-Picayune wondered about this claim and decided to fact-check it. We had our Underworld correspondent Bruce Coyote phone Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar and ask him directly if demons had been dispatched to interfere with Mr. Beck’s efforts.

Lord Balthazar stated, “Beck, no, not that I know of, but let me check my iPad. You know you’re lucky to catch me ’cause I’m running late. I’m on my way over to the River Styx Welcome Center to make another damn speech to some new arrivals. We seem to be flooded with lawyers and politicians this time of year, and it’s a bitch getting them all through condemned soul orientation classes. Ok, here it is. Beck, Glenn. Nope, no interference with business plans at all. It says here that the only demons assigned to Beck are the guys he’s always had possessing his mind. Apparently His Majesty Mephistopheles believes they should be sufficient to foil any attempts Mr. Beck makes to be taken seriously.”

His Lordship continued, “It says here that those mental demons are doing such a good job that Beck is slowly fading into insignificance, and who could argue that point? I mean the guy has not had a coherent thought in years. All those conspiracy theories and revisionist histories, they really crack us up! I really cannot wait to meet the guy in person. He should liven things up around here.”

Apparently Mr. Beck has been up to his old tricks weaving a conspiracy where none exists. We at the Times-Picayune are of the opinion that Mr. Beck should now and forever give up on expanding into cable and the only miracle he should ever report is that he is still on the air at all.
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