Category Archives: politics

Families Of Oregon Militiamen Glad They Are Away From Home For A Few Days

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PORTLAND – (CT&P) – The families of the militiamen who have seized control of Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon are telling CNN that they are relieved to have them out of the house for a while.

When interviewed by Wolf Blitzer on his show, The Situation Room, the wives and children of the motley crew of misfits, conspiracy theorists, and Christian terrorists told Blitzer that they were glad that for at least the time being the miscreants were someone else’s problem.

The mentally deficient wingnuts, who have started calling themselves the Citizens for Constitutional Freedom, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean, have told anyone willing to listen that they are “in it for the long haul,” and “came well prepared.”

“I certainly hope the son of a bitch is in it for the long haul,” said Wanda Scrotum, wife of Corporal Rodent Scrotum of the Dysentery Springs Chapter of the Texas Minuteman Militia. “All he does all day is watch Fox News and throw beer cans at the TV when Obama is on. He’s worthless. The only time he ever perks up is when his government check is due in the mail.”

Bertha Bundy, wife of ringleader Ammon Bundy, said, “Ammon has a lot of big guns and a very small penis. Do you know what it’s like to be married to a microdick? I shouldn’t have waited til we got married. It was the worst mistake of my miserable life. I hope he freezes to death in that hell hole.”

The militiamen have made only vague claims about what they are trying to achieve by the occupation, and as of yet the federal government has taken no action to force them out.

FBI Director James Comey told the Washington Post that although he was being encouraged by the families of the men to napalm the building and “do the world a favor,” he didn’t want another Waco on his hands.

“These idiots either grew up under power lines or have a great deal of lead paint in their diet,” said Comey.

“You don’t put a dog down merely because it’s a dumb ass. I think we’ll just cut off the water and electricity to the building and see how long the tough guys want to stay there without any Budweiser.

“I’m sure once they figure out that no one really gives a shit about their insane ideas they’ll surrender peacefully.”

Cruz Decries Unauthorized Use Of Monkeys

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate Ted Cruz has vociferously protested the unauthorized use of his two little monkeys in a cartoon published in the Washington Post this week.

Cruz hammered the Post on Wednesday for publishing an online editorial cartoon depicting his spawn as dancing monkeys, telling a crowd in Tulsa that the attack “has no place in politics.”

“Not too much ticks me off, but using my two little monkeys without my permission, that’ll do it,” Cruz said in response to the cartoon, which has since been taken down.

“They’re my monkeys, and I get to decide when to use them,” said Cruz, as saliva dribbled from one side of his mouth.

“It’s perfectly OK if I use them as pawns in political ads to degrade an opposing candidate, depicting Hillary Clinton as the Grinch for example, but I’ll be damned if the Washington Post can use them to criticize me. It’s just not the Christian thing to do. After all, they’re just kids and have no idea what’s going on, and if they’re going to be taken advantage of, it should be by their power hungry Dad.”

As noted the Post took down the cartoon and has since apologized to Cruz.

Cruz told editorial page editor Fred Hiatt that next time he wanted to use the monkeys in a cartoon he could contact his campaign and an appropriate fee could be worked out.

Fellow senator and presidential candidate Marco Rubio told CNN that the real story here was not that Cruz or the Post had used the little monkeys for political gain, but that at some point in time Ted had actually found a female monkey willing to have sex with him.

“Must have been one desperate monkey,” said Rubio.

 

CBO Warns Of Increased Deficits If Trump Elected

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russianprisoners

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Congressional Budget Office released a statement this morning which warned that there would be grave economic consequences if Donald Trump gains the White House.

The report detailed the tremendous expense of building and maintaining the huge number of concentration camps necessary to house and slaughter the millions of Hispanics, Muslims, homosexuals, journalists, opposition politicians, and intellectuals that Trump has promised to silence were he elected.

“Sure, we would get some reward out of the forced labor that would be made available as these people slowly starve to death, but the costs far outweigh the benefits,” said Keith Hall, director of the CBO. “We did extensive computer modeling of the problem, and even if we reduced the food intake of the prisoners to around 600 calories per day, we would still be in the red. It’s expensive business killing all these folks.”

Donald Trump reacted to the report in a series of Tweets today calling the CBO’s analysis a “load of crap.”

“The CBO has no idea what it’s talking about,” said the presidential hopeful. “I’ll build the biggest, most beautiful concentration camps the world has ever seen. The Nazis ain’t got nothing on Trump. And, I’ll tell you something else, when I’m elected I’ll do away with the CBO and put its employees behind barbed wire where they belong.”

When opposing GOP candidates pointed out that Trump’s popularity would fall once he ran low on victims, Trump pointed out that there was an unlimited supply.

“Once we do away with all the Mexicans and Muslims, we can start working on the Catholics, Jews, and poor people,” said Trump. “There’s always another scapegoat waiting in the wings.”

 

 

Hillary Proposes Federal Night Light Program For Pussified Americans

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SCAREDYCAT, IOWA – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa this morning, Hillary Clinton unveiled her plans for a new federal program that would provide night lights for cowardly Americans who are terrified that they may become victims of Islamic terror.

The program would distribute night lights to families who could not otherwise afford them. It would also provide adult diapers to those who soil themselves at the mere mention of anything Islamic.

“I know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night only to realize that there are strange people in weird outfits wandering around your bedroom,” said Clinton.

“I hope this program will boost the courage of the millions of Americans who seem to have the backbone of a jellyfish. After all, you’re more likely to be eaten alive by a horde of rabid rodents than be a victim of terrorists.”

The proposal was universally condemned by GOP candidates who said that it was just another liberal handout designed to make Americans dependent on government.

Republican senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz called the proposal a typical Democrat move to try to turn night into day.

“We need to concentrate on turning black and brown into white instead,” said Cruz, as he stole candy from a small child.

Clinton promised that during her first month in office she would do everything she possibly could to bolster the self-esteem and courage of the pussies who seem to make up such a large part of the American electorate.

 

CNN Moves GOP Debate Venue To Some Beer Hall In Munich

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Jeff Zucker, president of CNN Worldwide, announced this morning that Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate would be moved from The Venetian in Las Vegas, Nevada to the Bürgerbräukeller Jr, a large beer hall in Munich, Germany.

Zucker made the announcement during an appearance on CNN’s New Day, hosted by noted intellectual Chris Comatose.

“We thought that the change of venue was appropriate given what is going on in today’s Republican Party and the atmosphere would better reflect the ideas and policy proposals of the front runners for the nomination,” said Zucker.

Reaction to the move was mixed among the candidates with some backing the change wholeheartedly and others worried that it might disrupt campaign schedules.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz both told Sean Hannity on his radio show that they felt right at home in Munich and looked forward to meeting hair-challenged supporters in the region.

However, some candidates such as Jeb Bush were uncertain about the last minute change because Germany had accepted so many Syrian refugees in recent weeks.

“I think we could be opening ourselves up to a security risk,” said Bush. “The vast majority of those refugees are Muslims, and I just don’t see how Germany could be as safe as the good ole USA where all us Christians live.”

Perhaps the most confusing response came from the Carson Campaign.

“I’m really looking forward to visiting Germany,” said Carson. “I’ve never been to South America before.”

Zucker dismissed criticism from right wing radio that the change of venue was a liberal media conspiracy to make the Republicans look like a bunch of clowns.

“They certainly don’t need our help to do that,” chuckled Zucker.

 

 

Cruz Refuses To Criticize Fellow Asshole

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COLUMBIA, S.C. – (CT&P) – GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz flatly refused to criticize Donald Trump for statements he made yesterday regarding Muslims and a possible ban on all people of that faith entering the United States.

“I do not believe the world needs my voice added to that chorus of critics,” Cruz said at a Tuesday press conference, referencing the large group of Republican and Democratic presidential candidates who have criticized the plan.

“And listen,” Cruz added, “I commend Donald Trump for standing up and focusing America’s attention on the need to secure our borders.”

“You won’t catch me criticizing a fellow asshole like Donald Trump,” said Cruz, as he stole some candy from a small child loitering on the edge of the crowd.

“I consider Donald Trump a friend of mine, and I only have two or three of them, so I can’t afford to go around alienating my brother cocksuckers all the time. Hell, even my own family hates my fucking guts, so I have to be careful what I say.

“I believe Donald is on the right track with his bigoted and xenophobic ideas and policy proposals, and I think you’re going to find out that the fascists that make up the right wing base of the Republican Party agree with us.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. I promised my supporters I’d go kick the shit out of that homeless black veteran dozing in the alley over there.”

FBI Now Pretty Sure Radicalized Muslim Couple That Stockpiled Weapons, Ammo, And Explosives Before Murdering 14 People At Christmas Party Might Have Been Terrorists

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – FBI Director James Comey said that after some intense investigation the agency was leaning towards thinking that Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik were terrorists.

“I don’t want to judge before all the facts are in, but it’s beginning to look like this couple could be jihadi lunatics,” said Comey, during an interview on CNN.

However, Comey said that we need to very careful not to label the couple before the investigation is complete.

Comey said that just because the couple was Muslim, had contact with radical supporters of ISIS, possessed an arsenal of weapons, thousands of rounds of ammo, and had a habit of building pipe bombs in their child’s nursery, did not mean that the newlyweds were necessarily a terrorist threat.

“Plenty of Americans have arsenals in their home and bring their infants to the firing range,” said Comey, a strong supporter of the NRA.

“Just because you hold radical opinions doesn’t make you a terrorist either,” he continued, “I mean, their are plenty of idiots who spend their weekends screaming Bible verses at innocent women entering Planned Parenthood clinics. It’s important that responsible Americans differentiate between terrorists and just plain old assholes.”

Comey promised the American public that just as soon as the FBI decided how to label the couple, other than aerated lumps of unrecognizable decaying flesh, he would let us know.

 

Desperate Carson To Lobotomize Another Set Of Twins On National Television

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – After seeing his poll numbers plummet over recent weeks because of his complete ignorance regarding foreign policy, GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has agreed to separate another set of conjoined twins live on national television.

Carson is scheduled to perform the surgery the week before Christmas, and an 800 number and dedicated web site will be available for contributions to his campaign during the event. Carson plans on cutting the normally nine hour operation down to a mere three hours so he can perform the entire surgery in prime time.

In order to emphasize his surgical expertise, Carson plans limit his instruments to a hacksaw, a pair of garden shears, and a curling iron to cauterize the wound in order to stem blood loss.

“Dr. Carson hopes that by replicating the operation that made him famous, but in more spectacular fashion, he can rejuvenate his campaign and retake the initiative,” said Carson campaign manager Barry Bennett.

“This time the operation will be on national television and Dr. Carson will emphasize speed instead of precision. Hopefully the American public will be impressed enough with Dr. Carson’s skill as a surgeon that they’ll forget that he’s a fucking moron when it comes to almost every other subject.”

Experts predict that the unorthodox technique will render basically the same results as his prior efforts with conjoined twins, most of whom are unable to speak or feed themselves even after years of therapy.

“Results are not what’s important here,” said Bennett. “You have to remember that Dr. Carson is a Republican.”

 

 

 

Playoff Picture Muddled As Team Muslim Struggles To Qualify

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SAN BERNARDINO – (CT&P) – The Mass Shooting Playoff picture remains confused as perennial favorite Team Muslim continues to struggle.

Although Team Muslim tried to mount a late season comeback this week, the dominant White Protestant Conference teams are way out in front.

As of today, only three teams have qualified for the post-season, which kicks off on January 1st.

Deranged White Christians holds a commanding lead and is expected to enter the playoffs in the top spot, thus enjoying home field advantage throughout.

Neo-Confederate Assholes currently holds the number two slot, but Pro-Life Religious Kooks is nipping at its heels, and has shown promise in recent weeks.

Wacked-Out Motorized Black Folks, an east coast team that put in a strong showing a few years back, has basically been a no-show this season.

With only three domestic teams qualifying so far, the tournament’s sponsor, the NRA, is looking at bringing in a foreign team, a move that is sure to rile Americans’ sense of pride.

“We certainly don’t want to have to bring in a team that our fans aren’t familiar with, but if Team Muslim can’t get its body count up, or if we don’t see a late surge from a team like Insecure White Cops or Team Mafia, well then we’ll have to bring in Drug Kingpin State or some other team from Mexico or Central America,” said Wayne LaPierre, who runs the tournament for the NRA.

“We even thought of granting a new franchise to Syrian refugees entering the country by arming them to the teeth with automatic weapons and explosives, but our executive board determined that widows and orphans fleeing a war zone could just not make up enough ground in time to make the post-season.

“We’re planning on making one last-ditch effort to get an American team in the fourth slot by blocking all common-sense gun control laws while conducting a huge assault weapon and RPG giveaway just before Christmas, but I’m not holding my breath.”

Deranged White Christians has been ranked number one from wire to wire this year and Vegas oddsmakers have made the team a prohibitive favorite to win it all.

 

God Withdraws Support For Carson Campaign

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GOD!!

ROME – (CT&P) – At a press conference just outside the Vatican this morning God announced that he would be withdrawing his support for the Carson Campaign effective immediately.

God told reporters that after reviewing Dr. Carson’s statements regarding a variety of issues he could no longer support the retired neurosurgeon for the GOP nomination.

“In the end it was really not a hard decision,” said God. “This guy does not know his ass from a hole in the ground on most subjects, and he’s clueless when it comes to foreign policy. He would be an absolute disaster as president.

“At first I thought because he was a neurosurgeon he would be a smart dude, capable of making the hard the decisions a president has to make every day,” said the Creator of the Universe. “But I’m surprised this guy can wipe his own ass. I mean he is dumb! It just goes to show you that you don’t have to be some kind of genius to crack a head open,” chuckled the omniscient deity.

The American public apparently agrees with God’s assessment as Carson has been steadily slipping in the polls lately. Most pundits attribute the slide to the increased attention Carson received when he briefly led the Republican field.

bencarsonlunatic

Most people agree that Dr. Carson is a little touched, just not by God

“The more you look at Ben Carson, the more you see a simple-minded chowderhead incapable of critical thought,” said GOP political consultant Karl Rove. “Hillary would chew him up and spit him out like a plug of tobacco.”

When a reporter from CNN informed him of God’s decision, Carson accused him of being part of a liberal media conspiracy inspired by Satan.

“All you guys are just out to get me,” whispered a rapidly blinking Carson, as he twirled his hands in semi circles.

“I feel the fingers of God gently touching me telling me I’ll be President someday.”

When journalists contacted God for a response, he denied he had ever touched Carson gently or otherwise.

“I never fingered Dr. Carson in any way whatsoever,” said Jehovah. “What do you think I am, some sort of pervert? I’ve never touched the son of a bitch in my life. He’s out of his small mind.”