Category Archives: religion

Eight-Year-Old “Not Surprised At All” That She Is More Intelligent Than Members Of The South Carolina State Senate

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mammoth

COLUMBIA-Little Jenny Newberry of Spartanburg, South Carolina thought her idea was simple and straightforward. Since South Carolina is one of only ten states that does not have an official fossil, why not make the Columbian mammoth, whose fossilized teeth were first found in a South Carolina swamp way back in 1725, the official state fossil? The idea made perfect sense to her and a group of her colleagues in the third grade at the We Have The Good Sense To Believe Irrefutable Scientific Evidence When It Is Placed In Front Of  Us Elementary School in Fernwood. However, the group of young, idealistic intellectuals did not take into account the trouble the idea would cause in the Le Brea tar pit of ignorance that is the South Carolina state senate.

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Alabama wants to make an old copy of the Ten Commandments its state fossil

Upon hearing of the heretical idea, Republican state senators Kevin “Dimwit” Bryant and Mark “Doofus” Simpleton sprang into action. They quickly attached an amendment to the proposed fossil bill that included a thank-you note to God for creating the animal kingdom on the sixth day of his universal construction project. The dubious and offensive amendment included a direct quote from the book of Genesis in the Old Testament.

“We thought it would be a good time to thank the creator for his excellent work on the Columbian  mammoth and other extinct species created at around the same time,” said Bryant. “We are still not quite sure why God would create a beast only to have it go extinct, but as you know most of us ignorant hicks attribute to God that which we cannot understand. You know he really works in mysterious ways.”

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Florida officials believe that a rusty nine millimeter handgun would best represent culture in the “Gunshine State”

State Senator Mike “I Am Sometimes” Fair, another Republican, does not support the amendment in its current form. “I don’t think it’s right to single out the Columbian mammoth among all the extinct species that once roamed the earth,” said Fair. “I am currently working on a list of every extinct species we have any evidence of, including intelligent elected officials. I plan to add the entire list to the current bill, which would make the bill a little over 9,000 pages long. We need to be thorough, otherwise the Good Lord could get pissed off and send a tsunami to wipe out Myrtle Beach.”

The controversy in the South Carolina senate has spawned  legislative chaos across America. States are scrambling to rewrite “fossil laws” to better represent their religious majorities. For example, a bill in the Alabama legislature replaces the current state fossil Basilosaurus cetoides with a “really old” stone carving of the Ten Commandments dug up during the construction of Victoryland Greyhound park near Montgomery. Florida is considering making the rusty remnants of a nine millimeter handgun found on Miami Beach its state fossil, and West Virginia has already begun the process of digging up Robert C Byrd in order to put his fossilized remains on display within the rotunda in Charleston.

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Arizona, always the maverick, is bucking the trend by making Senator John McCain its official “living fossil”

For her part, little Jenny Newberry and her friends have completely ditched the state fossil idea. They have moved on and decided to form a think-tank in Spartanburg devoted to the remedial education of South Carolina’s elected officials. “I really did not expect all this hubbub,” said Jenny. “I realize that these guys are not the brightest of bulbs, but one would think that they could pass a simple bill designating a state fossil without having to overcome a veritable maelstrom of stupidity. However, this is just the kind of blinkered Philistine pig ignorance I’ve come to expect that non-creative garbage in the state senate. They sit there on their loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads and not giving a tinker’s cuss for the average third grader struggling with existential concepts. One can only hope that this bunch of political cretins will one day be extinct themselves, because I really don’t hold out much hope for future generations with this crowd in charge.”

Chilean Earthquake And Subsequent Tsunami Linked To Obamacare, Gay Marriage

Posted in environment, health care, humor, politics, religion by

Magnitude eight earthquake off the coast of Chile

WASHINGTON-Embattled Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) appeared on Fox News’ morning show The Village Idiots today and told the hosts of the show that last night’s Chilean earthquake and resulting tsunami were caused by the last-minute stampede to sign up for health insurance on Healthcare.gov. McConnell informed the “confederacy of dunces” that “All of that damn electronic activity caused a seismic event at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean which in turn caused that gall-darn big ass wave.”

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Senator Mitch McConnell appeared on Fox’s The Village Idiots this morning where he blamed Obamacare for every fucking thing that is wrong with America today

The 8.2 magnitude earthquake was centered off the coast of northern Chile and produced waves over two meters high. Six deaths have been attributed to the quake but property damage seems to have been minimal. Tsunami warnings were posted immediately after the quake and most low-lying areas were evacuated before the tsunami reached shore. Chile, which rests on the so-called “Ring of Fire” has long-expected and prepared for an even larger quake and systems are in place to warn the populace of tsunami threats when they appear imminent.

McConnell told the doltish dullards that “Obamacare will eventually cause the complete downfall and destruction of western civilization. It has already been linked to the disaster in Benghazi, the IRS scandal, and the disappearance of Flight 370. Most shockingly, the Young Earth Creationist’s Observatory in my home state has discovered that a comet in the Oort Cloud has changed course and is now heading directly toward earth,” said McConnell. “All this because of Obamacare!”

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McConnell apologized to the dimwit hosts on the show but he had to leave early to get back on the campaign trail in Kentucky

However, not everyone agrees with McConnell. The Right Reverend Pat Robertson, normally a staunch ally of the senator from Kentucky, disagreed on the cause of the earthquake. On his 700 Club broadcast this morning Robertson put the cause of the earthquake squarely on the shoulders of gay marriage. “God is showing his wrath for some states in this country normalizing deviant sexual behavior and legalizing the abomination of gay marriage,” said Robertson. “He showed those heretical voodoo bastards in Haiti who was boss a few years back and now he’s taking action against gay marriage!” When his co-host asked Pat why Chile was being punished for America’s sins, Robertson replied “Well, God works in mysterious ways. Maybe he is slowing the influx of illegal aliens from Chile so they won’t be exposed to our disgraceful and ungodly behavior.”

As we have noted before in previous columns, Pat Robertson is clearly insane.

Historical revisionist and conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck had yet another take on the disaster. “This earthquake is clearly the work of a renegade cabal of Freemasons,” said Beck. “I have been warning you people for a long time that the Freemasons possess technology far in advance of any other group on earth. They clearly have been given earthquake technology from some alien race bent on the destruction of the U.S. Constitution and the American way of life. There’s just no other reasonable explanation for this event.”

Although all three theories are gaining ground with the American public via Fox News and right-wing radio, the most logical explanation for the seismic event seems to be subduction, the process of one tectonic plate moving underneath another. Imagine that.

 

 

Jesus And Satan Distance Themselves From Pat Robertson And Christian Right

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GENEVA-At a press conference held this morning in neutral Switzerland, the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace hastened to distance themselves from televangelist and right-wing kook Pat Robertson. Robertson’s unhinged tirade on his “700 Club” broadcast last week seems to have triggered the unprecedented joint press conference.

“We’re used to Pat foaming at the mouth and blaming every conceivable tragedy on us,” said Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar. “What made this time different was that Robertson managed to insult the leaders of both major religions as well as every sentient being in this galaxy with an IQ over 50.”

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Archangel Gabriel, one of Christ’s political advisors, suggested that Robertson may have suffered a stroke during the broadcast which could account for his irrational outburst

Robertson, winner of the coveted “Bigot of the Year Award” for 2013, went berserk on his show last Wednesday, ranting about Jesus having a part-time job in a bakery and recalling the “good old days” when gay people were stoned to death in the town square. Robertson informed his mainly elderly and infirm viewers that back in the “Golden Age” if “two men decided they wanted to cohabit together they would have been stoned to death.”

Robertson went on to rave, “So Jesus would not have baked them a wedding cake or nor would he have made them a bed to sleep in because they wouldn’t have been there.” Robertson went on to lament the current state of affairs in the United States where stoning is unfortunately against the law. “We don’t have that in this country so that’s the way it is.” Robertson wiped a tear from his eye before continuing; “homosexuality is a meaningless exercise because it doesn’t go anywhere.” At this point Phil Robertson (no biologic relation but a brother in hatred) of Duck Dynasty fame and a guest on the show, interjected: “Yeah Pat, that’s right! Besides, women have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

Robertson was not finished, however. He went on to insult Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, by stating “The Devil is trying to say, ‘I’m going to destroy your progeny any way I can. If you kill your babies, that’s fine. If you deny the chance of having babies (by being homosexual) then that’s fine too.'”

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Lucifer appeared in one of his less threatening guises in order to stress his cooperative nature

The leaders of the two major religious organizations in the known universe found Robertson’s tirade a little over the top and decided to hold the presser in order to make their positions clear.

A coin was flipped and Jesus won, so he went first.

“I just wanted to make it clear that all humans are equal in my eyes. Everyone is welcome regardless of race, creed, color, or sexual preference, and I’m really am tired of having to take so many antacids to fight off the nausea caused by ignorant and hateful statements made in my name. And another thing: I am a carpenter, not a freaking baker. I’d be lost in a bakery. I have absolutely no clue how to bake a wedding cake, for Heaven’s sake.”

Mephistopheles then approached the lectern to enthusiastic applause from the representatives of the press. He began: “Thanks guys! I just want to say that all this whining about not wanting folks to reproduce is a bunch of horse shit. I love kids and I really love the process that spawns them. Have you guys seen my new monument in  Oklahoma City? It’s one of the few child-friendly monuments in the United States. In fact, that “suffer the little children” line in the New Testament was originally mine. Matthew was always screwing up his quotes and attributions. The guy was a tax-collector for God’s sake, not a Jewish version of Homer.”

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The two charismatic leaders seemed happy to see each other in person and made time for a little male bonding

At this point Jesus interrupted and said, “OK, let’s stay on track here Lou. What both of us would like to make clear is that there is no room for intolerance in either the Divine or Satanic Parties. We don’t countenance bigotry or hatred in any of its myriad forms. Neither one of us could really give a damn what goes on in anyone’s bedroom. Marry who you want to. Just treat your partner with respect, that’s all we’re saying.”

“That’s right,” said the Devil. Prejudice and tribalism are downright counterproductive. We all have to live in this neck of the firmament, so why can’t we all just get along?”

The press conference ended with the two leaders shaking hands and promising a new era of bipartisanship between the parties.

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part Eight)

Posted in entertainment, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by

If you are a young dude in training to become a wildlife officer or “Grouper Trooper” in the state of Florida, try not to sleep through “Giant Reptile Apprehension” class. In general it is best to approach dangerous alligators from the ass-end thus avoiding jaws equipped with razor-sharp teeth and with the crushing power of an automobile compactor. It might also be advisable to avoid obstacles such as curbs over which you could trip and thus come face to face with your reptilian adversary.

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Always strive to keep your home as clean as a microchip manufacturing facility. Keep your floors clean by purchasing at least six overpriced and inefficient robotic sweepers. That way a team of two sweepers can be on duty around the clock bumping into things and terrorizing your pets. Attaching high-powered rescue strobe beacons to the robotic devices will help guests avoid tripping over them when they get up to urinate in the middle of the night. So what if your neighbors think they are living next to an indoor airport? Cleanliness should be your first consideration. You never know when a physician may want to conduct a kidney transplant on your kitchen floor.

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If you have reached the point in life where you are rationally weighing the all-important decision as to your lifetime sexual preference, take your time and make a wise choice. Even thinking about having sex with another of your own gender could land you in the “Lake of Fire” for the rest of eternity. All this talk of brain chemistry, biology, and genetics is just a bunch of crap liberals have cooked up to force the gay agenda down our throats. Remember, it’s your choice!

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If a friend or relative is staying in your home and he is scurrying around attempting to make a deadline or get ready for an appointment, pepper him with questions like “Do you know what time it is? What time is your appointment? How long does it take to get there?” Then, make a statement like “You should have started getting ready much earlier.” This will serve the dual purpose of accelerating his slide into insanity while encouraging the procrastinating bastard to plan better next time.

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When hiring a chauffeur it is always best to pick someone who has a solid work record and a stable home life. Remember, your life will be in his hands.

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If you move to a new city, one of the most important decisions you will make will be the choice of a family physician. Choose one who can relate to your mental state and all of your fucked-up obsessions and syndromes. Make sure that the dude will readily prescribe the narcotics you so desperately need in order to function in society.

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When choosing a place to worship in your new town, be sure to visit several compounds before making a final decision. Don’t be too particular about belief systems; just make sure the pastor is charismatic and fun to be around. You don’t want to get bored.

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If you are a young person and have yet to decide on your drug of choice, don’t waste time with gateway drugs. You are only given a brief time on this planet so get with the program! Pot and alcohol are for chicken-shit pansies. Opt instead for something that will really kick your ass and is easy to obtain or manufacture at home. For God’s sake enjoy yourself before you get old and decrepit.

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If you have the attention span of a squirrel on amphetamines and tend to get on some people’s nerves, then for Christ’s sake see a physician and get a script for Valium or Xanax so that those of us who love you won’t some day be charged with manslaughter.

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If you are a dog catcher for a canine concentration camp that murders innocents, just what in the fuck is wrong with you anyway? I can personally think of thousands of people who should be scooped up and taken away before the first dog should be harmed. Do us all a favor and drive your truck into a swamp. By the way, you are even less popular than President Obama or the U.S. Congress. Your best bet is to gas yourself as soon as you can find the time.

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Instead of hiring overpriced lazy ass repairmen to work in your home, get a couple of books on-line and do all of your own home repairs, especially easy to fix items such as electrical wiring. Remember, every penny you save can be used to pay for emergency room visits.

Management tip of the week: If you thrive on pettiness and the enforcement of absolutely senseless rules, choose a career as a corrections officer. It is a thankless job with low pay and high risk, but the benefits are alright, there will be opportunities for graft,  and it will make you feel good to know that you around people who are even more miserable than yourself.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

Flight 370 Shocker! Malaysian Airliner Now Believed To Have Crashed Into The Fucking Ocean!

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Southern Ocean

KUALA LUMPUR-Malaysian government officials have announced that the most unlikely and shocking scenario regarding the fate of Flight 370 has now become a reality. The location of the missing aircraft has now been narrowed down to somewhere within the vast ocean depths of the southern hemisphere. This pinpoint analysis has been made possible by a re-examination of satellite and radar data by people who actually know what the fuck they are doing. The data indicates that the flight ended with the aircraft plunging into the sea somewhere in the remote regions of the Indian Ocean. This wild and crazy conclusion has been backed up by

Sean Hannity stubbornly insists the plane is in a secret “Batcave” in Pakistan or Iran

multiple sightings of debris floating on the surface. Objects have been sighted by crews of both Chinese Iluyshin IL-76 and Royal Australian P3 Orion (built by Lockheed, not Boeing) search aircraft flying over the remote area.

Confused and incredulous anchors on cable outlets all over the world became even more incoherent than usual as they breathlessly reported the new information. However, instead of moving on to other minor stories, such as the imminent threat of a third world war being fought over control of Ukraine, Modavia, or the Baltic countries, news anchors and pundits began the next round of seemingly endless speculations. Indeed, some anchors flatly refused to believe that their vacuous pet theories could be wrong.

Syndicated talk show host, Fox News anchor, and revered intellectual Sean Hannity declared, “I don’t give a damn what the Malaysians say, they’re a bunch of socialists. My sources tell me that the aircraft is in an underground hangar somewhere in Pakistan or Iran.” Hannity went on to rave, “This has all the hallmarks of another Obama conspiracy and cover-up, and I’m convinced that Hillary is the mastermind behind it. I think that some of the president’s Muslim buddies hijacked the plane and are going to use it as a weapon against us sometime in the near future. Maybe during the midterms. It’ll make Benghazi look like child’s play!”

Meanwhile, Great van Sustern chose to emphasize the link between the plane’s disappearance and Obamacare. “The people on that

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Greta emphasized that the loss of the plane and every other unfortunate incident on earth inevitably leads back to Obamacare

plane would have been much better off with private health care rather than the state health care system in China, which is identical to Obamacare. The Affordable Health Care Act is, as we all know, is the very embodiment of evil. The ill-advised attempt to something as vile and heinous as providing health care for the poor is going to lead inevitably lead to the collapse of modern civilization. Insects will once again rule the planet.”

In Beijing reaction to the new revelations was equally unhinged. Irrational and perturbed relatives of the deceased passengers marched to the Malaysian Embassy where they hurled plastic water bottles, tried to rush the gates, and chanted “Liars!” The relatives were wearing t-shirts which said, “Let’s Pray for Flight 370,” (as if that could do any good at this point) and demanding that the Malaysian authorities “tell the truth” and return their relatives unharmed.

That last demand is going to be just a little difficult to fulfill. Apparently the angry relatives have been watching too much Fox News and think there is some sort of hideously complex conspiracy afoot. It’s a damn good thing China is not ruled by Vladimir Putin or armored columns would even now be approaching the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur.

Although the recent revelations by authorities regarding further analysis of the data and the sighting of debris have given us a good

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Megyn Kelly was too busy groveling in front of Bill O’Reilly to offer her thoughts on the new announcements

idea of Flight 370′s terminus, we can look forward with great glee to weeks worth of speculation of just what caused the unfortunate incident. One of the fabulous things about modern technology in the form of cable news, the internet, and social media is that one can get a real education on just how irrational and ignorant many members of our species really are. If nothing else it makes for excellent entertainment.

German Customs Officials Seize Shipment Of Papal Blow

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Pope Francis beseeches the laity to pitch in and help the Holy See through this “rough spot” by dropping off what they can with their local parish priest

VATICAN CITY-The German weekly newspaper Gild am Sonntag reported yesterday that 340 grams of cocaine bound for the Vatican was seized by German customs officials in Leipzig. The officers found the high-quality Peruvian marching powder packed into 14 condoms hidden inside a shipment of comfortable and stylish seat cushions. The shipment of “soft cushions” was addressed only to the Vatican post office, meaning any one of the 800 permanent residents of Vatican City could have picked it up.

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Cardinal Fang led a team of “crack” Swiss Guards on a failed sting operation outside the Vatican post office

After German authorities contacted Vatican police and told them of the discovery, a sting operation was set up under very tight security. The 99% pure yayo was removed from the cushions and placed under guard in Leipzig. Meanwhile, an experienced team of Swiss Guards under the command of Cardinal Fang was assigned to observe the post office and capture the recipient of the shipment when he attempted to pick it up. “We are not that concerned with the nose candy, but the use of condoms is strictly forbidden and could lead to torture and excommunication,” said Cardinal Fang. “We may have to resort to using the ‘comfy chair.'”

However, the operation was called off three weeks later since no one ever appeared to collect the cushions. German officials believe that someone inside the Vatican tipped off the would-be snorter. Cardinal Fang reacted with righteous indignation to the suggestion that information had leaked from the nostrils of his task force. He vehemently insisted that “Nooooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

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Archbishop of Miami Tony Montana donated 250 grams of pure California cornflakes to the cause and pledged to throw the German custom officials out of a helicopter

A source from within the close-knit College of Cardinals, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed regret that the shipment was seized in the first place. “We are really gonna miss that shipment. A whole week’s worth of dope flushed down the drain. You know it’s damn hard work saving souls and feeding the less fortunate. How in the hell do think His Holiness is able to spend his nights working in soup kitchens after all day at the office? The man is 77 years old, after all. Furthermore, I don’t know what idiot decided to route that stuff through Leipzig anyway. Everybody knows how anal German customs officials are.”

Appeals have been made to the pious to help the Vatican get over the shortfall in supply. Donations are pouring in from all over Sicily and as far away as Amsterdam and even Bogata. Archbishop Tony Montana of Miami, for instance, pledged 250 grams of pure powder from a stash he has hidden “close by.”

It seems that the faithful have taken the Pope’s pleas for a more humane and giving form of capitalism quite seriously.

Pastor Fred Phelps “Thoroughly Confused” To Find Himself Burning In Hell

Posted in entertainment, environment, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by

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Lord Sonneillon, Prince of Hatred, has been given the honor of torturing Pastor Phelps from now until somewhere around the end of time. Editor’s note: This photograph was taken prior to Lord Sonneillion’s much ballyhooed facelift by a plastic surgeon in Los Angeles.

THE RIVER STYX-Pastor Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church fame is said to be “thoroughly confused” and more than a little bit perturbed at finding himself roasting in the fires of hell, sources said. At a press conference this morning along the corpse-strewn banks of the River Styx, Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters that Phelps “just could not believe his eyes” as he disembarked from the Brimstone Special, one of three new environmentally friendly Maglev (magnetic levitation) bullet trains that transport condemned souls to the River Styx at over 200 miles per hour.”His Majesty Mephistopheles sure is proud of those new trains,” said Balthazar. “He really wants to do his part to save the environment from all you idiot Homo sapiens.”

Upon his arrival, Pastor Phelps attended a gala reception hosted by the Prince of Hatred Lord Sonneillon. “I just wanted Fred to know how happy we were to finally get him in our talons,” said Lord Sonneillon. “I would also like to thank His Majesty Lord Lucifer for entrusting to me and my staff the safe-keeping and eternal torture of Pastor Phelps’ black and rotten soul. It’s not that often that you run across a dude that was so totally committed to hatred and loathing during his time on earth. My boys have not been this excited since Hitler arrived back in 1945.”

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Meanwhile, Sunday school classes at the Westboro Baptist Church continued unabated.

Pastor Phelps only had time for a few brief comments before he had to leave for his induction physical over at the offices of Mengele and Kevorkian, LLC. “I just do not understand this at all,” said Phelps. “This must be some kind of mistake. I’ve spent my whole goddamn life serving the Lord and this is what I get! Spending eternity having a hot poker rammed up my ass and having my liver torn out by hungry vultures every morning at daybreak. Life is a bitch and then you die!”

Outside the Pearly Gates, at a somewhat higher elevation, a deep and resonant chuckling could be heard emanating from the Throne of God.

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part 7)

Posted in entertainment, environment, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by
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Spend precious hours of your life carefully folding Walmart and Publix bags so they will fit neatly in some obscure cabinet in the laundry room. The last thing you want is disorder in your household. If you are pressed for space, use a hot iron to compress the stack into a compact mass of organic polymers that will be around long after Homo sapiens is an extinct species.

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Choosing the correct pet can be a tricky business. Be sure to select one that best suits your personality. Remember, the most important things in life are cleaning, organization, and maintaining a death grip of control over your immediate surroundings and any entities therein. Model your life after a mid level security officer in the East German Stasi.

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Attempt to shape and control your children’s lives with an almost religious zeal reminiscent of an imam at a terrorist training facility. Your kids will adore you for it and after a period of rebelliousness, will grow into happy and well adjusted teenagers. In adulthood they will become either despondent and negative control freaks such as yourself, or neurotic real-life versions of Crazy Larry in Sam Peckinpah’s The Wild Bunch. Either way, you will be assured of a nice quiet funeral without all that hysterical sobbing.

Megyn Kelly, Bret Baier

If you are a “news anchor” for a cable network do your best to sensationalize tragedies that occur anywhere on earth. Strive to come up with 18 bizarre theories that could explain “mysterious events” that occur. Completely ignore all facts related to the story. Use bizarre colloquialisms that you think are cool, such as “we are efforting to find out the truth.” When in doubt, blame Obamacare.

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If a loved one does too much business with Amazon, simply burn the next round of books he receives. Christmas should only come once per year. Besides, who needs intellectuals? They get too big for their britches.

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If you are almost 80 years old, always wake up at 6 A.M. and start your day by scrubbing cat vomit off your obscenely expensive silk Persian rug. Act as if this is the first time in the history of the planet that a feline regurgitated. Threaten the cat with severe economic sanctions if the act is repeated.

Cat in Litterbox

If you are worried that the size of your penis is not up to snuff, and you thrive on failure, become a probation officer. During your career you will be able to observe every species of genital under the sun and you will finally be able to assess your place in the pricking order. Practice the fine art of meat gazing by adopting a cat and go out of your way to glare and intimidate it while it uses the litter box. Also, don’t to forget to act like a pompous-ass control freak version of Mother Theresa while boasting a whopping three percent success rate for “clients.”

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Panic and react with abject horror when your huge feline does something vaguely sexual with his cat bed.

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If you are a lazy and shiftless lamprey who suffers from CWDD (Constructive Work Deficiency Disorder), react with a certain lack of enthusiasm and practiced indifference when you are given your morning cleaning assignments by your OCD mom.

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If you are spending your weekend on a nearby lake abducting innocent bass from their homes in order to turn them into highly battered cholesterol fillets, always take a shotgun along. You never know when some unsuspecting alien creature may swim by. Remember, always shoot first and ask questions later.

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Camping can be enormous fun for the entire family. However, you never know when you might encounter an Eric Robert Rudolph or one of the thousands of Muslim terrorist sleeper cells that are located behind every bush in the United States. You should therefore always be prepared to repel attack. Don’t even think about entering the woods without an assault rifle and appropriate sidearm. Train your wife and kids until they are experts with rocket-propelled grenades and night vision equipment. Remember, the forest is there for all of us to enjoy, so help keep it safe for all Americans.

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If a relative or close friend has the impertinence to attempt something as selfish as reading or writing while you are cleaning all your baseboards with a toothbrush for the third time in a week, interrupt them over and over again with stupid, vacuous rhetorical questions until the poor bastard gives up and slashes his wrists.

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React with fear and trembling if you should happen to discover a harmless insect in your home. Immediately get on the phone and bitch at the worthless pest control company you pay a fortune to every month to keep you safe from the arthropods and arachnids that have covered every square foot of the planet since long before man emerged from the sea.  Act as if the lone lost and confused ant you see on the kitchen floor represents the vanguard of an endless stream of ravenous driver ants from east Africa. Worry yourself sick about the imminent invasion of segmented miniature monsters who will pick your bones clean in minutes if you dare go to sleep. Try to add precious minutes to your life by taking amphetamines to stay awake 24/7 like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

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Keep every door in your fucking house closed and locked like you are expecting the Zombie Apocalypse. The last thing you want is fresh air, a pleasant breeze, and the sounds of a waterfall invading the peace and tranquility of your aseptic, lifeless home that is devoid of any personality.

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If an aggressive semi-hostile country ruled by a megalomaniacal former KGB officer invades and subjugates a weaker nation thus threatening to precipitate World War III, spend 100% of the airtime on your popular cable program positing bizarre and irrational theories about the disappearance of an airliner carrying a couple of hundred people. Keep your priorities straight and forge ahead with no thought for what is really important.

Management tip of the week: If you own or manage a small business, never  turn your back on any employee or customer. They are all out to rob your ass blind. Never trust anyone you come into contact with in the course of business, especially if they are relatives or close friends. Those cretinous swine will use their close relationship with you to take everything you have worked so hard to attain. Protect yourself by installing microscopic video cameras in every nook and cranny of your business, especially in the restrooms. Make sure they broadcast 24/7 on an encrypted frequency that only you can receive. Always carry a laptop or pad around with you so you can keep an eye on the bastards at all times. Test your employees’ honesty by leaving gold coins in the break room that you have previously exposed to intense ionizing radiation. If one of your vile, heinous employees gives in to temptation, don’t take action until a year later when he is in the hospital suffering from some giant cancerous tumor of mysterious origin. Then visit him and tell him that’s what he gets for being a dishonest bastard. Pull out all the tubes connected to his body and tell the nurse he had a spasm and fell out of bed. When your other employees find out what has happened, they will admire your dedication and cunning and work that much harder to please you.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

Bowing To Pressure From The Christian Right, Disney Announces Construction of New “Nine Circles Of Hell” Theme Park

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dante

ORLANDO-Under extreme pressure from Tea Party officials and facing the threat of boycotts from right-wing Christian organizations, Disney has announced a total image makeover. As part of the change, officials have hired new producers and directors, a new spokesperson, and have plans for a massive new theme park dedicated solely to the beliefs of evangelical Christians. The new park is being designed to influence and convert young children who may be thinking about taking a different path in life. “We want to do our part to help youngsters decide to do what is right and reject the lies of science and reason,” said Disney’s new spokesperson Phil Robertson. “We really think we can be a positive influence on those five or six-year-old kids who are weighing the advantages of becoming  lifetime disciples of Satan as opposed to doing the right thing and choosing Jesus.”

Duck Dynasty Season 3

The always cheerful and uplifting serial killer of water fowl Phil Robertson will be Disney’s new spokesperson.

As part of the makeover, Disney will only produce low-grossing films and animated features of a religious nature that emphasize leading a life dedicated to faith and superstition while renouncing the evils of logical thought and enlightenment. Although this will diminish corporate profits and lead to a less educated generation of young adults, Disney executives feel that the stock prices of the company will be propped up by block purchases by godly corporations such as Hobby Lobby and Vatican Investments, Inc.

The changes in production and public relations form only two-thirds of the makeover triad. The centerpiece of the new Disney will feature a multi-billion dollar theme park known as “The Nine Circles of Hell.” The park will consist of a variety of educational attractions for the kiddies such as museums dedicated to refuting hundreds of years of scientific progress and societal evolution. Disney has hired Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky, as well as Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, as consultants on the new project. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has been hired as Disney’s new adviser on science and education.

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Children will be reminded of the consequences of sin by a series of cheerful signs posted along the route of the new “Descent Into Hell” ride.

“The new park will do its best to convince youngsters that all this talk of evolution, climate change, and the big bang is just mumbo jumbo,” said Robertson, as he spoke to reporters from his home in Fecal Shoals, Louisiana. “I mean, anyone with any sense knows that the earth is only about 6000 years old. All this crap about the ‘big bang’ is just liberal propaganda.” Robertson, who was dissembling and cleaning an AR-15 as he spoke, continued: “But what we really want to emphasize is the consequences of choosing a sinful lifestyle. We believe that the best way to keep kids from deciding to be homosexual perverts and servants of the Devil is to scare the ever-loving shit out of them. That’s why I’m so excited about the new ‘Descent Into Hell’ children’s ride we have planned. It should really make guys want to stick with having sex with women. I mean, everybody knows they have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

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The entrance to the new ride will feature a melancholy apocalyptic landscape in order to get the kids into a depressed and pessimistic mood before the descent.

According to engineers at Disney, the innovative “Descent Into Hell” ride will be educational as well as fun. Kids (as well as backsliding adults) will be fitted with stylish straight jackets hand-made by Luddites camped outside the park. Then the kids will be tied to saddles atop mechanical dinosaurs who will then descend through the mouth of a cave into the bowels of hell. The kids will be bombarded by a dark and melancholy musical score consisting of works by Wagner and Mahler in the upper levels and the continuous repetition of Barber’s Adagio for Strings as they approach the lower infernal regions.

The first level of the ride of course begins in Limbo, where the kids are taken on a tour of the U.S. Senate and House Chambers and treated to a seemingly never-ending cable newscast about the mysterious flight of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. Then the robotic raptors lumber on down to the lower levels of the ride where more Lovecraftian horrors will await the already perplexed and despondent children. Disney engineers are particularly proud of level three, Gluttony, where androids manufactured in the likenesses of Rush Limbaugh, Chris Christie, and William Howard Taft charge out of a thick soupy fog and threaten to devour the kids alive. “It just about the scariest thing I have ever been a part of designing,” said Matt McClendon, a part-time programmer for Disney.

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A holographic version of the Roman poet Virgil will accompany each child on their journey through the fires of hell. Here Virgil can be seen with his buddies Dante and Captain Phlegyas as they enjoy a dinner cruise along the River Styx

Perhaps the most innovative feature in the entire new park is the totally interactive hologram of the Roman poet Virgil who will accompany the kids on their trip to Hades. The ghostly apparition of Virgil, fully equipped with artificial intelligence, we be able to explain thousands of different sins and their consequences to the children in over 100 different languages.  Virgil will be able to answer all the burning questions that are on the minds average American five-year-olds, such as “What happens if I spill my milk?” Or “What happens to me if I believe in evolution?”  Or “What happens if I miss the March 31st deadline for signing up for Obamacare?” Or most importantly, “What happens to my immortal soul if I am unable to overcome the constant pressure emanating from Democrats and the liberal media and decide to turn gay?”

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Phil Robertson, Disney’s new spokesperson, made it a condition of his employment that Virgil be programmed to drone on and on about how women had “more to offer down there” and how legalizing gay marriage would bring about the downfall of western civilization. More than one programmer was heard to utter “Methinks he doth protest too much.”

Disney plans to have grief counselors and psychologists specializing in the treatment of early childhood trauma standing by at the exit of the ride to try to stave off lawsuits from the parents of kids who may become mentally unhinged or permanently disabled by the experience. “We want to err on the side of caution when it comes to these young skulls full of mush,” said Dr. Joe Mengele Jr., a staff physician at Disney. “We know we can’t be perfect, but we want to limit the number of cases of PTSD to the bare minimum.”

As everyone knows Disney has the “Midas Touch” when it comes to new projects, and great things are predicted for the new park. Christian youth groups and Sunday school classes from all over the country have already booked reservations at the new park even before construction has begun. However, spokesman Phil Robertson was quick to emphasize that it was not all about the money. “We want to fight the influence of ‘Big Gay,’ ‘Big Mooslim,’ and ‘Big Lucifer’ wherever we see them taking root. This is about saving souls and raising a whole generation of kids who will not be exposed to the dangers of science, reason, and individual choice. It’s all a part of our nationwide campaign to ‘Just Say No To Satan.’ I’m confident that any child who visits the new park will be so befuddled and terrified by the experience that he or she will have no choice but to follow the right path and reject the evils that a more compassionate and tolerant society have forced upon us. The future looks bright at Disney.”

CRETINS GONE WILD!

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springbreak

PANAMA CITY BEACH-The annual spring migration of high energy, low IQ sex-crazed youthful imbeciles has begun. Gulf coast beaches are rapidly filling up with a veritable army of drunken teenagers flush with cash and poor judgement. The annual migration has been met with the usual schizophrenic response on the part of politicians, law enforcement, and business owners.

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The innovative mobile penitentiaries are equipped with comfortable seating and provide plenty of exposure to the burning rays of the sun for those cretins still working on their tans. The mini internment facilities will be placed in strategic positions near notorious spring break dens of iniquity such as The Spinnaker.

The businesses along the entire coast are dependent on tourism for their very existence. Politicians are dependent on donations from the people who run these businesses. Law enforcement being law enforcement, sees the annual influx as an invasion of their turf. They are already overworked trying to police an area so inundated by natives with barely enough sense to walk across the street without being squashed by a retiree from New Jersey or a snow bird from Canada. The annual “econundrum” of spring break has befuddled many a Cretonian politician and lawman over the last few decades.

This year however, Bay County Sheriff Bubba Polyps has come up with a novel solution to perennial problem of drunken and sex-crazed cretinous youth: mobile detention cages set up at strategic intervals along “The World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”

The network of enclosures or “human corrals” is loosely based on the highly successful dog-pen style cells made famous by the Nazis and used by the federal government at Guantanamo Bay. After the law-breaking vacationers are captured by the forces of good, the offending parties are first blasted with fire hoses from various volunteer fire departments along the beach in order to remove any lingering beer, suntan oil, semen, or other excess bodily fluids. The unfortunate captives are then deloused using 1950’s vintage DDT powder leftover from Cold War civil defense stocks. After being segregated by sexual preference, the cretins are then placed in the paddocks until they sober up.

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Sheriff Polyps got the idea for the “human corrals” when he experienced an epiphany while watching news coverage of Guantanamo Bay. He stated, “If those dog cages can hold dangerous Mooslim terrorists for a decade without any charges being brought, well then, they ought to work for them unruly bastard kids from our neighboring states.”

After a “cooling off” period, during which the kids are subjected to the blazing rays of a melanoma-producing sun, the dangerous criminals are then transported via cattle movers to more permanent camps within the dark and mysterious interior of Cretonia. The camps are said to be located in the center of vast fetid swamps populated by alligators, venomous snakes, and black bear. After an appropriate period of time during which parents of the prisoners are kept in the dark about the location and condition of their miscreant offspring, officials from the county then will make offers for release as long as a bounty of between $500 to $5000, depending on the severity of the “crime,” is paid into a slush fund used to purchase drones, automatic weapons, and luxury automobiles to be used by the sheriff’s department. Local politicians are also authorized to dip into the fund in order to finance junkets to the nearby Ebro Dog Track. Those unfortunate detainees that do not come from wealthy families and do not pay the “fines” are likely to end up like many of the “students” at the infamous Florida School for Boys.

During one of Sheriff Polyps’ hundreds of self-serving television appearances he explained how he got the idea for the revolutionary new method of controlling the kids. “Well, I done got the idea from watching file footage of that all-inclusive resort where we keep them Mooslim terrorists down in Cuber. I thought to myself, here’s the solution to the problem of all them Yankee kids from Birmingham and Atlanta coming down here and runnin’ around drunk and half nekkid on our purty beaches. Hell, we got enough ugly ass folks down here in the first place! I just don’t see how they can stand to live up there. I got as far as Montgomery one time and had to turn around cause all the concrete just freaked me right out.”

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Any parents who do not pay the required bounty within a “reasonable period of time” are more than welcome to come down and visit their kid after spring break is over. A nominal visitation fee of $50 will be charged at the gate.

The new system of mobile miniature concentration camps is now in place and has been reaping great rewards. During the first weekend of operation, over 3500 teenage delinquents have been rounded up and imprisoned for such vile and heinous crimes as wearing wet tee shirts, failing to pay cover charge at The Spinnaker, and smiling and laughing too much. The county has managed to rake in over $10,000 in fines and bribes in this short period alone, and politicians all over Cretonia have proclaimed the new system a great success. Representatives from Walmart and The Dollar Store are currently meeting with government officials to coordinate plans for new “get out of detention” gift cards that will sold in stores nationwide so that anxious parents can purchase them to give to their kids before they depart for spring break festivities. The cards will imprinted with an artist’s depiction of a lugubrious skeletal prisoner staring out from behind a chain link fence with the caption, “I lost 30 lbs while vacationing on the Emerald Coast.”