Category Archives: religion

Jesus Trades Decrepit White Nag For Rapturesaurus As Part Of Military Buildup

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Jesus adopted Clyde from a “no-kill” animal shelter just after he was hatched

OUTSIDE THE PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN-At a press conference earlier today, Celestial Press Secretary and Director of Communications Archangel Gabriel announced that Jesus has traded in his old warhorse “Traveler” for a young Tyrannosaur named “Clyde.” The change of steeds is part of an overhaul of weapons systems and military buildup as the ramp-up for the Second Coming continues. The ubiquitous Holy Spirit has authorized Saint Homobonus, patron saint of commerce, to divert funds from education and social welfare programs and instead pump the cash into the military-ecclesiastical complex.

Gabriel explained the reason for the change of steeds. “The messiahraptor family of conveyances offers a number of advantages over the old equine models. For one thing, the rapturesaurus gives the King of Kings a higher vantage point and clear fields of fire for his AK-47. He’ll be able to pump lead down into hordes of the unfaithful far more efficiently than before. Although ‘Clyde’ can’t match ‘Traveler’s’ top speed, he more than makes up for it by being able to devour fleeing heretics with his four-foot mouth and nine-inch long razor-sharp teeth.”

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After Clyde graduated from obedience school he went through extensive dressage training

Some journalists seemed to doubt Gabriel’s credibility because the administration’s swerve towards militarism did not gibe with what they had been taught all their lives. Agnostus Dubiousus of Catholic Digest said, “Jesus is commonly known as ‘The Prince of Peace.’ The New Testament paints a very different picture of Our Savior than you do Gabriel.”

Gabriel, well-known for his short temper and propensity to reduce entire cities to smoking ruins at the slightest provocation, answered irritably “Look you talking monkey, do you believe everything you read in comic books? Every one of those essays and short stories was written by someone in a sagging skin suit just like you have on. I’m giving you the straight dope on what’s about to happen to you monkey-boys. It’s your choice whether you want to believe it or not. Remember, freedom of choice is what got us into all this mess to begin with!”

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Clyde spent his youth training with the Celestial Special Forces

Archangel Michael, who was also present, told reporters that the campaign will kick-off “sometime in the very near future.” For an angel this could mean anytime between tomorrow and when our sun burns out, so no one really knows when the Lamb of God will loose the rain of brimstone on our temporal heads. Michael did announce that the crusade will begin in Arizona, “to get rid of that abomination they call a senate,” and end up at Lucifer’s headquarters on earth: 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York.

Saint Benedict the Moor, Minister of Urban Culture, ended the press conference by saying, “I really don’t give you guys much of a chance considering what you are up against, but if you survive long enough you have to check out J.C. on his new J-Rex. He’s gonna be stylin’!”

Frustrated Arizona Senators Propose Legislation For Return To Rule By “Divine Right”

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PHOENIX-Republican state senators, frustrated by Governor Jan Brewer’s pragmatic veto of their bigoted anti-gay laws and desperate to stamp out societal progress in all its forms, are discussing proposals for legislation that would change the form of Arizona’s government. Yearning for the “good old days” of feudalistic society, the legislation would bring back a system where nobles (right wing politicians and bureaucrats in this case) and church officials would rule by divine fiat. The proposed laws would usher in a new “Dark Age” in Arizona and have been severely criticized by the more enlightened members of the legislature.

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The proposed legislation would bring back an improved and updated form of the Spanish Inquisition featuring “enhanced interrogation techniques” perfected by the Bush Administration

The legislative package is co-sponsored by Senator Phil Scrotum (R-Snaketown) and Senator Ralph Smegma (R-Bagdad), two politicians well-known for their reactionary views. The new system would allow the neo-nobility and representatives of the church to rule by “Divine Right.” The two groups would have weekly meetings and cooperate to issue edicts to the general population concerning all aspects of everyday life. The edicts would then be enforced by a huge contingent of armed thugs wearing stylish new uniforms adorned with symbols of the church.

“God hates fags and illegal immigrants,” said Senator Scrotum during a recent appearance on Glenn Beck’s radio program. “We can’t sit still for Brewer’s veto of our state-saving anti-gay legislation. She should not be governor anyway. It says quite clearly in the Bible that women are the ‘weaker vessel’ and should obey the men.”

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The new park in downtown Phoenix will be called “Chop Chop Square” and will feature toys and goodies for the kids and free books and short stories by Kafka and Dostoevsky for the adults

Senator Smegma, who was also on the show, said “Phil is right! God hates fags, illegal aliens, Injuns, drug users, poor people, black folks, liberals, climate scientists, evolutionary biologists, and just about everyone in the Pacific Northwest. He also wants women stay where they belong; at home raising the kids.” Senator Smegma seemed to lose his composure a bit at this point as he raised his voice and said “But most of all God hates Obamacare and MSNBC!”

An integral part of the new legislation involves instilling abject fear in the general population. “The good citizens of Arizona have to realize that we know what is best for them, and disobeying our commands will result in the most severe punishment. Therefore we intend to bring back public executions. We have plans to construct a new square in downtown Phoenix for just this purpose. It will feature refreshments for the kids and religious trinkets and reading material for the adults. We conducted an online poll and the consensus is that the guillotine would be the best method for dispatching evildoers and heretics,” said Senator Scrotum.

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Sheriff Joe Arpaio won the design contest for Arizona’s new guillotine

Glenn Beck was mightily impressed by the plans and expressed his enthusiasm several times during the broadcast. “I really think you guys are on the right track! Have you sought any guidance from fanatical religious scholars or historical revisionists like I do on occasion?”

“Yes,” said Senator Smegma. “We’ve made contact with high-ranking members of the Taliban to get advice, seeing as how our views on gay rights and equality for women coincide with theirs in so many ways. They’ve been a great help. We also have aides working with historians specializing in the study of the Old South plantation system. We want their input as well. We have great confidence that we can maintain and improve the tried and true ‘old white male’ power structure. The future for Arizona looks very bright indeed.”

The bulging package of legislative reform has been dubbed the “Scrotum-Smegma Bill” and is scheduled to come up for a vote early next month.

Editor Acquires Awesome New Jacket With Numerous Pockets And Zippers

Posted in environment, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by

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SANTA ROSA BEACH-Cretonia Times-Picayune editor and all around wonderful guy Jerry Dickerson has acquired a cool new “Steep Tech” jacket from The North Face via the fabulous folks at Backcountry.com. During a phone interview with our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker, Mr. Dickerson said that he will use the jacket on his summit bid on Mount Mediocrity later this spring.

Mt. Mediocrity is the highest point in Cretonia, towering a full 95 meters (312 feet) above mean sea level. (For our readers in Florida we are not saying that the sea is malevolent or parsimonious. Mean sea level is a datum representing the average height of the ocean’s surface and is used as a reference point for determining land elevation.) The mountain is considered one of the most dangerous in the southeast. It has been compared to K2 in level of difficulty, but a more apt comparison would probably be Mt. Suribachi in February of 1945. The slopes of the peak are littered with the corpses of climbers dating back as far as the mid 50’s. The mountain is considered too hazardous for teams to be sent in to recover the remains.

Mt. Mediocrity is considered treacherous and life threatening because of a series of deadly obstacles that any climber must conquer on the way to the summit. Unlike on K2 there are no multi-ton seracs waiting to crash down upon your head. However, a series of man-made (or more accurately cretin-made) horrors await the intrepid climber and threaten to deprive him of life and limb.

The only viable route up the mountain is via its north face and it is fraught with peril. First, one must make it through a gauntlet of brain-washed high school kids who come to Florida from all over the country to spend their spring break waiting to ambush the unwary with “come to Jesus or you will roast in hell for eternity” religious tracts. This terrifying prospect is usually enough to dissuade most adventurers, but it is only the beginning.

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Florida State Senator Bubba McDim from Panama City is the current record-holder thanks to a lightning-fast three-week ascent of the dangerous peak

Once through the rabid teenage zealots, one must successfully negotiate the Lake County Sheriff’s Department Sniper Training Facility, which is located at the base of the massif. Deputies trying out for the coveted sniper positions within the department are known for their propensity to waste prodigious quantities of ammo firing wildly at anything that moves. This is because the officers are allowed to take home any meat they kill to serve for supper. The skeletons of deer, raccoons, possums, and even stray dogs and cats make the landscape look like something out of a horror flick.

Next the audacious climber must pick his way through an EPA Superfund site consisting of dozens of burned-out trailers that were once thriving meth-labs. Hikers who have ventured into this area by mistake have returned to civilization with running sores all over their bodies and scorched lungs caused by exposure to harsh chemicals.

But perhaps the most mortifying of all the hurdles one faces on the climb is the trip through the satellite graveyard of the nearby Florida School for Boys located near the summit. Here the restless souls of hundreds of delinquent teenage boys, murdered by their guards in bygone days, wander around seeking vengeance and some kind of justice for the maltreatment they experienced in life. The bones of the dead rest in elevated graves made of logs and branches similar to the structures encountered by Robert Redford in the movie Jeremiah Johnson. This is the area where most climbers come to grief.

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Senator McDim’s wife Bertha does not like Dickerson’s chances. “That smart-ass liberal son of a bitch don’t stand a chance of beatin’ my Bubba’s record. He must be dreamin’ if he thinks he can clumb up ‘ere ‘at quick!”

Mr. Dickerson plans to make the ascent in what would be a record time of three days. The present record holder, Florida State Senator Bubba McDim of Panama City, took three weeks to make it to the summit in the spring of 2009. Once there he celebrated by planting the Confederate battle flag as a protest against the “first Muslim negra president of the United States.” If he survives the ascent Mr. Dickerson plans on replacing the Confederate banner with a flag combining the Greenpeace and PETA insignia on a background of the old Soviet hammer and sickle logo.

“I bought the jacket to wear as a shell as I make my final summit push,” said Mr. Dickerson. It is specially designed to keep out powder and the thing has all sorts of neat pockets on it where I can store essentials like my cellphone, Marlboro’s, and the latest copies of the Huffpost and Daily Kos that I intend to print-out before departure.” (Just what kind of powder Mr. Dickerson is referring to he did not specify.)

Although the ascent is considered almost suicidal by most members of the climbing world, if Dickerson makes it to the summit he will have no problem descending. The entire south face of the peak has been converted into a giant water-slide and cheap amusement park featuring tooth-rotting cotton candy, lukewarm draft beer, and a never-ending stream of hideous overweight women participating in wet t-shirt contests. All our editor will have to do is strip down to his Speedo and slide back to what passes for civilization here in Cretonia.

We at the Cretonia Times-Picayune wish him the best of luck.

Couple New To Florida Not Happy With Cretinous Neighbors

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DEAR MILLIE is a trademarked feature of The Cretonia Times-Picayune

DEAR MILLIE: My husband and I relocated to the Florida panhandle from Portland, Oregon about two years ago. The area is nice enough and the climate and Gulf views are just superb. However, the native population is highly unusual in a variety of ways. After we moved in we were warmly welcomed by our new neighbors and were invited to several parties, which we of course attended.

We noticed a variety of odd things going on with these folks from the beginning, such as massive consumption of the cheapest beer available, an obsession with NASCAR, and an inability of any of these folks to hold down a job anywhere but Walmart or the local dog track. Their idea of culture is a wet t-shirt contest outside a condemned mobile home. Almost every family in our neighborhood has at least one relative in prison or on probation. Most disturbing of all however, is the almost universal hatred of all minorities and President Obama in particular. They constantly refer to him as “that Muslim negra.”

All of this goes on despite the almost ubiquitous presence of churches in the area. There seems to be a church on every corner. They come in a bewildering array of sects and species but none deviate from the basic southern Baptist theme of “do and say what you want except for one hour each Sunday.” We have tried to fit in by gaining a great deal of weight and subjecting ourselves to repeated blows to the head in order to reduce our IQ’s, but we are still uncomfortable with the culture here.  We have even thrown a few parties of our own to try to “fit-in.” We always invite the whole neighborhood over for beer and snacks, but invariably the sheriff’s department has to visit. After the events we have to clean up syringes and used condoms from every nook and cranny in the house. We also notice more and more of our belongings missing and we’re not really sure if it’s our guests or the cops that are taking them. Millie, can you help us? Please weigh in!

UNHAPPY IN PANAMA CITY

DEAR UNHAPPY: I’d love to weigh in. Firstly, you and your husband must have had some sort of mental defect already if you willingly moved from Portland into a quagmire of ignorance like Panama City. What’s up with that?

Secondly, better people than you and I have tried for decades to figure out what is wrong with Florida and its denizens. I am personally convinced that the mosquito-spray trucks down there are loaded with some type of nerve agent that stunts the growth of the prefrontal cortex and amygdala during early childhood development. This would explain some of the absolutely asinine behavior we see all across Greater Cretonia. Did you know that there is a yearly week-long debate in the Florida legislature over whether or not pet stores can dye Easter bunnies’ fur different colors? That’s of course just the tip of the iceberg.

Florida has long been a seething cauldron of vacuous imbecility in both politics and daily life. The culture there resembles some sort of malevolent vortex which sucks in every shred of intelligence and spits out archaic religious practices and preposterous governmental policies. My advice to you is to get the hell out of there while you can. If it is any consolation, the whole sordid mess will be covered with seawater in the not-to-distant future anyway. If you get out now you can at least save your investment. I hope this advice helps. Please don’t blow it.

Yours with sympathy,

MILLIE

Jesus Discards AR-15 In Favor Of AK-47

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SANTA ROSA BEACH-Jesus has shocked and stunned members of the Family Research Council, born-again Christians, and arms manufacturers around the world by ditching his old weapon of choice, the ArmaLite AR-15, in favor of a standard paratrooper model of the venerable Kalashnikov AK-47, made famous by Viet Cong guerillas and terrorists around the world. Executive Vice President of the FRC, Lieutenant General Jerry Boykin (retired) is said to be in a state of shock and denial calling the decision “irrational and counter-productive.”

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Jesus tested a wide variety of weapons during time spent undercover with a Mexican drug cartel

Last fall at a meeting of the WallBuilders’ Pro-Family Legislators Conference General Boykin explained to captivated lawmakers his interpretation of Revelation 19. General Boykin said that Jesus was going to return as “a mighty warrior leading a mighty army, riding a white horse wearing a blood-stained white robe…I believe that blood on his robe is the blood of his enemies ’cause he’s coming back as a warrior carrying a sword. And I believe now-I’ve checked this out-I believe that sword he’ll be carrying when he comes back will be an AR-15.”

Clearly General Boykin believes that Jesus will return as one pissed-off Savior.

Boykin continued his soliloquy: “Now I want you to think about this: where did the Second Amendment come from? From the Founding Fathers, it’s in the Constitution. But where did the whole concept come from? It came from Jesus when he said to his disciples ‘now if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.'”

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Jesus rejected crew-served automatic weapons due to weight restrictions

General Boykin clearly put his reputation as a Biblical scholar on the line at that conference last fall. And that’s not all. General Boykin has an advertising deal with several arms manufacturers in the U.S. and everyone expected a windfall during the Second Coming. ArmaLite, Colt, and the National Rifle Association had all pinned their hopes on favorable press when Jesus came back totin’ an American-made weapon. One can easily see that Jesus’ decision to deep-six his AR-15 in favor of a “commie” rifle has so upset General Boykin.

We at the Times-Picayune felt that such an important story deserved more research so we contacted the Archangel Michael, aka “The Enforcer” for more information regarding Jesus’ momentous decision. Michael stated, “Well, it really boiled down to dependability. The AR-15 has a tendency to jam in certain situations whereas the AK is about as dependable as they come. You can run over the damn thing with a tank and it will still fire. After all, we don’t want Our Lord and Savior to be confronted by a screaming horde of homosexual Muslim Democrats and then have his weapon jam at the critical moment.”

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Boykin’s favorite Bible verse: “Suffer the little children to come unto me, and do not deny them their 2nd Amendment rights.”

Jesus’ change of weapon will no doubt have far-reaching effects on the U.S. economy and American prestige on the world stage. General Boykin is said to be in seclusion somewhere in Mississippi suffering from depression. An aide told reporters that Jesus’ “unwise and poorly thought-out” decision in no way changed General Boykin’s positions on the Second Amendment, gay marriage, intelligent design, abortion, women’s rights, or the death penalty. “The general formed his archaic and wacked-out ideas long ago and not even the Savior of Mankind is going to make him doubt his decision-making,” said the aide.

We will provide updates as they become available.

Bluegrass Shocker: Snake-Handling Preacher Dies Of Snakebite

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Pastor Coots in happier times “struttin’ his stuff” with an eastern diamondback named Eleanor

MIDDLESBORO, KY-Residents of Kentucky and members of the Christian Right were left stunned yesterday when news leaked out that Pentecostal preacher and unhinged human being Jamie Coots died of snakebite late Saturday night. Coots was bitten during a worship service with his congregation (and numerous deadly reptiles) earlier that day.

Coots was the pastor of the Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus Name church in Middlesboro. Coots and his family have been featured on several television shows, including National Geographic’s “Snake Salvation.” His son Cody Coots told reporters that after the bite Pastor Coots went to the restroom for a while and then went home to lie on the sofa and pray. “Coots the Younger” told reporters that Daddy-O had been bitten eight times before but had always come out “just peachy-keen” and raring for more. “That’s what happened every other time, except this time it was just so quick and it was crazy, it was really crazy,” Coots said.

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Freddie “Copperhead” Dullard, Pastor of the Our Lady of the Deadly Snake Cathedral and Chain Saw Repair Shop in Sand Mountain, Alabama is another pit viper enthusiast

Yes Cody, really, really, crazy. In fact, bordering on fucking insane.

Snake handling, an almost exclusively red state phenomenon, stems from Bible verses which seem to encourage the ridiculous and unwise activity as a show of one’s faith in God. In fact Mark 16:18 gives blanket immunity to the faithful: “They shall take up serpents (any one of the several venomous snakes inhabiting the former Confederacy); and if they drink any deadly thing (Budweiser), it shall not hurt them (financially); they shall lay hands on the sick (crazy as hell), and they shall recover (move out-of-state).

We contacted Pat Robertson, expert on all things religious, to clarify just what was going on here. “Well we know several things for sure. The Bible is the unassailable and literal word of God, and it clearly states that the “anointed” will not be harmed by snakes. So my hypothesis is that God and Coots must have had some kind of falling out. He obviously was “anointed” at some time because he survived all those earlier bites, but it seems he must have lost his accreditation somewhere along the line, but this is above my pay grade. You better contact the Pope or someone higher up in the administration.”

Taking Pat’s advice to dig deeper, we contacted the Archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) for further clarification (the Pope was busy feeding the destitute). Gabriel said that Coots had indeed lost his immunity because he had not paid his premium in over 90 days and at the time of the bite was not covered for herpetological mishaps. He stated, “I don’t know where these morons get all these crazy ideas anyway. I mean, who in the hell thinks The Boss would want you dance around a dilapidated trailer home with a bunch of rattlesnakes. It’s absolutely nutty. As for the “literal truth” of every word in the Bible, well all I can say is, there’s a sucker born every minute.”

Fox News: “Thousands Dead Of Hypothermia Across The Southeast-Obamacare To Blame”

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NEW YORK-Fox News Channel continued its relentless attack on Obamacare this morning by blaming Winter Storm Leon on the Affordable Care Act. On the “coffee klatch” Fox News program Fox and Friends, aka Tres Idiotas, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was interviewed and gave the far-right Neandertal take on the events of the last 24 hours.

Cruz said “This tragedy across the southeast highlights the dangers of socialism in general and Obamacare in particular. Thousands of people were frozen alive in their vehicles after they ran out of gas on interstates, and tens of thousands more were trapped at work or at schools. I have it on good authority (Pat Robertson) that Winter Storm Leon represented the wrath of God aimed at the citizens of the southeast for allowing Obamacare to pass without seceding from the Union and going to war.”

With the three dim-witted hosts nodding agreement, Senator Cruz continued: “If America has any chance at all to survive the disasters that are in store for us in near future, it is vitally important that I be elected President so I can repeal Obamacare by executive order and do away with health care for the poor once and for all. I also see no need for Medicare, Medicaid, or Social Security. Pat told me that he has been informed by the Almighty that if Americans can’t fend for themselves, the next disaster will be a meteor the size of Rhode Island impacting the mid-section of our country. We just can’t take that risk.”

Senator Cruz then excused himself as aides dressed in hospital scrubs escorted him off the set.

“Daddy, Why Are Dogs So Much Better Than Human Beings?”

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Millie

“Daddy, why are dogs so much better than human beings?”

“Because son, dogs aren’t raised to look down on other dogs or people because they are of a different race, religion, social status, or because they are poor. Besides, dogs are able to lick their own genitals, which reduces stress and makes life much less complex.”

“Thanks Dad. That makes perfect sense.”

“Anytime, son.”