Category Archives: religion

Recently Deceased Trump Supporters Fail To Convince Jesus

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jesus7

 

PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – A delegation of newly dead Trump supporters arrived at the Pearly Gates this morning only to have their credentials for admittance flatly rejected by Saint Peter and a small group of angels who were outside the walls smoking at the time.

The group consisted mostly of poorly educated, xenophobic racists from the old Confederacy who were die-hard Trump supporters from day one.

They made impassioned pleas that economic hardship brought on by a conspiracy of illegal immigrants, lazy blacks, establishment Republicans, the Chinese, mysterious Jews who controlled the liberal media, and above all Megyn Kelly, whom they consider the leader of the cabal, justified their support of a fascist candidate.

However, Saint Peter remained unmoved.

“I can’t recall Our Lord and Savior mentioning anything about immigrants or trade policy in the New Testament, except of course his admonition to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself,’ which right-wing Christians seem to ignore with increasing frequency these days,” said Peter to a group of Brietbart reporters who were loitering outside the gates while in route to the Lake of Fire.

“These idiots think they can have it both ways; go to the rally and spew hatred on Saturday and then run to church on Sunday and talk about Jesus for an hour, and everything is just hunky-dory. Well, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work that way.”

As usual, the group of miscreants would not take an expert’s word on the subject and refused to leave until they spoke directly to the ‘Strongman.’

Eventually Jesus did put in an appearance and without hesitation told the group to go to Hell, which they promptly did.

 

Hateful Religious Kook Condemns St Patrick’s Day As ‘Gay Holiday Sanctioned By Lucifer’

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kevin-swanson (1)

 

DENVER – (CT&P) – Homophobic minister and all around despicable human being Kevin Swanson urged Christians across the United States not to celebrate St Patrick’s Day today because it has been taken over by forces sent from Lucifer himself.

Swanson spoke from his radio studio in Elizabeth, Colorado, where his show, World View of a Bigoted Hypocritical Religious Charlatan is featured on Generations of Assholes Radio.

“St Patrick’s Day has always been a problematic holiday because of its association with snakes,” said Swanson on his radio show. “Snakes are the agents of Satan, and they represent the male sexual organ, which should only be used when attempting reproduction in the dark within a good Christian marriage.

“As we have seen the homosexual conspiracy to take over this country grow and grow, St Patrick’s Day has become a time of celebration and congregation for these subhumans. I personally believe that we should execute all of them along with every Girl Scout leader in the United States. It’s what our Lord Jesus Christ would have wanted,” said Swanson, as he massaged his crotch.

“These heathens paint themselves green and march around in parades while wearing hardly a stitch of clothing to cover up their heinous maleness. Why do you know that in New York City, that den of iniquity, they’re letting the sodomites march with decent human beings today? Their sweaty, muscular, athletic bodies are going to be on display for everyone to see. It’s disgusting!

“I’ve spent hours on gay porn sites and I know what these men are up to,” raged Swanson. “God will punish them for their vile sins, that’s for sure, but in the meantime I feel it’s my duty to tell the public all about it, so my research will continue.”

Swanson eventually got so worked up that he started speaking in tongues and had to be escorted from his studio and given a sedative because aides feared he would activate the poison glands located in the roof of his mouth and inadvertently hurt himself.

Ben Carson Exchanges Soul For Seat In Trump Cabinet

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Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson makes a face during a speech at the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials (NALEO) convention in Las Vegas, Nevada June 17, 2015. REUTERS/Steve Marcus - RTX1GZ5C

 

MIAMI – (CT&P) – Former neurosurgeon, presidential candidate, and person with a good reputation Dr. Ben Carson unwittingly traded his soul for a seat in Donald’s Trump’s cabinet yesterday when he endorsed the insecure fascist lunatic for President of the United States.

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Biblical scholars were quick to point out that Carson was probably visited by Satan himself and he just mistook him for a messenger from God. “Now Carson will more than likely spend eternity in Hell,” said one bishop. “Republicans make this mistake all the time.”

Carson told a reporter “I prayed about it a lot, and I got a lot of indications, people calling me that I haven’t talked to for a long time saying, ‘I had this dream about you and Donald Trump’ — I mean, just amazing things…”

Carson said that a friend he had not talked to since he performed brain surgery on him called and told him that he had a dream about Carson, Trump, and a giant hedgehog named Spiny Norman eating Trump steaks in the White House.

Carson immediately interpreted the dream using the Holy Scriptures as a guide, and determined that he was meant to serve in a future Trump administration.

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Carson is expected to be put in charge of the planned ‘Ministry of Silly Walks’ should Trump be elected president. “We can’t afford to put that idiot in a position where he has to make important decisions,” chuckled Trump.

He also said that he while sleepwalking through a wooded area over five miles from his home, he suddenly woke up and saw stars in the sky. “That was a clear indication from God that I needed to endorse a guy who has no love or respect for anyone but himself,” said Carson, as he tried his best to keep his eyes open.

Carson said that the real clincher was when Joseph, disguised as Lucifer dressed in a Technicolor jacket, came to him in a dream and told him to endorse Trump. Later in the dream Joseph gave him plans for nuclear pyramids that would power the United States forever and ever and ever.

“I knew then what I had to do,” said Carson.

 

Trump praised the decision and told Carson how much he appreciated the endorsement despite having previously called him a “Somnambulant religious kook with pathological tendencies who would be a danger to himself and everyone around him if he could stay awake long enough to do any damage.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus Relaxes Membership Requirements; Allows Trump To Become A Christian

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jesus7

 

PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – Jesus Christ, Prince of Peace and Son of Man, is temporarily relaxing membership requirements for being a Christian, according to the Associated Press.

At a press conference held just outside the Gates of Heaven, the Savior of Mankind told reporters today that he hated to see so many politicians doomed to the fires of Hell for all eternity.

“I’ve thought for some time now that our entrance exam was a little stringent,” said Jesus.

“I feel sorry for Trump because I realize that it’s hard running a campaign without lying your ass off and expressing hatred for anyone who isn’t white; I mean not everyone can be Bernie Sanders. So I decided to give Donald and a bunch of other politicians, party members, and ministers a break for the time being.

“I also want to clear up a misconception. I really didn’t mean all that stuff I said about rich people. The acquisition of wealth should be a Christian’s main goal. Without rich people how we would fund all those big, beautiful churches and jet aircraft to spread the gospel?”

When Jesus was asked whether this wouldn’t open the floodgates to let a whole new class of people into Heaven, he said that indeed it would.

“It’s regrettable, and we’ll have to expand our facilities, but I think it’s worth it in order to make America great again.”

A reporter then asked the Messiah whether Ted Cruz would qualify as a Christian under the new rules.

“OH HELL NO!” replied the Lamb of God. “No way that bastard comes anywhere near this place as long as I’m in charge. Let Lucifer deal with his ass.”

Islamic Gunman Who Pledged Allegiance To Islamic State And Shot Cop In The Name Of Islam To Promote Islamic Sharia Has Nothing To Do With Islam, Says Fucking Idiot

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phillycop

 

PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – Officials say the Muslim suspect in custody for the shooting that seriously injured a Philadelphia police officer has confessed to the crime, saying he did it ‘in the name of Islam,’ because police officers enforce laws that are contrary to his faith, which is of course fucking Islam.

Commissioner Richard Ross provided that update during a news conference on Friday afternoon. He said there was no indication from the suspect, 30-year-old Edward Archer of Yeadon, that he was involved in a conspiracy, other than the same one which drives Muslim fanatics to chop off heads, blow things up, and slaughter innocents around the world on a daily basis.

Archer had pledged his allegiance to ISIS, officials say, which is weird, since the shooting supposedly had nothing to do with Islam at all.  Ross called the shooting “just your run of the mill attempted assassination of a police officer.”

At the news conference, brain-damaged Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said the shooting had nothing to do with “being a Muslim or the Islamic faith.”

“Last night’s shooting had nothing to do with any faith,” said the mentally deficient mayor.

“It was a violent assault by a criminal who just happened to be Muslim, pledged allegiance to the Islamic State, is proud to be a jihadi, and wants to institute Sharia Law across the entire globe on penalty of death.

“I repeat, this has nothing to do with Islam. I urge all Philadelphians to stand together, preferably somewhere out of the line of fire.”

When reached for comment on the mayor’s statement noted atheist intellectual and critic of Islam Sam Harris remarked, “There’s just no cure for stupid.”

FBI Now Pretty Sure Radicalized Muslim Couple That Stockpiled Weapons, Ammo, And Explosives Before Murdering 14 People At Christmas Party Might Have Been Terrorists

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – FBI Director James Comey said that after some intense investigation the agency was leaning towards thinking that Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik were terrorists.

“I don’t want to judge before all the facts are in, but it’s beginning to look like this couple could be jihadi lunatics,” said Comey, during an interview on CNN.

However, Comey said that we need to very careful not to label the couple before the investigation is complete.

Comey said that just because the couple was Muslim, had contact with radical supporters of ISIS, possessed an arsenal of weapons, thousands of rounds of ammo, and had a habit of building pipe bombs in their child’s nursery, did not mean that the newlyweds were necessarily a terrorist threat.

“Plenty of Americans have arsenals in their home and bring their infants to the firing range,” said Comey, a strong supporter of the NRA.

“Just because you hold radical opinions doesn’t make you a terrorist either,” he continued, “I mean, their are plenty of idiots who spend their weekends screaming Bible verses at innocent women entering Planned Parenthood clinics. It’s important that responsible Americans differentiate between terrorists and just plain old assholes.”

Comey promised the American public that just as soon as the FBI decided how to label the couple, other than aerated lumps of unrecognizable decaying flesh, he would let us know.

 

Playoff Picture Muddled As Team Muslim Struggles To Qualify

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shooters

SAN BERNARDINO – (CT&P) – The Mass Shooting Playoff picture remains confused as perennial favorite Team Muslim continues to struggle.

Although Team Muslim tried to mount a late season comeback this week, the dominant White Protestant Conference teams are way out in front.

As of today, only three teams have qualified for the post-season, which kicks off on January 1st.

Deranged White Christians holds a commanding lead and is expected to enter the playoffs in the top spot, thus enjoying home field advantage throughout.

Neo-Confederate Assholes currently holds the number two slot, but Pro-Life Religious Kooks is nipping at its heels, and has shown promise in recent weeks.

Wacked-Out Motorized Black Folks, an east coast team that put in a strong showing a few years back, has basically been a no-show this season.

With only three domestic teams qualifying so far, the tournament’s sponsor, the NRA, is looking at bringing in a foreign team, a move that is sure to rile Americans’ sense of pride.

“We certainly don’t want to have to bring in a team that our fans aren’t familiar with, but if Team Muslim can’t get its body count up, or if we don’t see a late surge from a team like Insecure White Cops or Team Mafia, well then we’ll have to bring in Drug Kingpin State or some other team from Mexico or Central America,” said Wayne LaPierre, who runs the tournament for the NRA.

“We even thought of granting a new franchise to Syrian refugees entering the country by arming them to the teeth with automatic weapons and explosives, but our executive board determined that widows and orphans fleeing a war zone could just not make up enough ground in time to make the post-season.

“We’re planning on making one last-ditch effort to get an American team in the fourth slot by blocking all common-sense gun control laws while conducting a huge assault weapon and RPG giveaway just before Christmas, but I’m not holding my breath.”

Deranged White Christians has been ranked number one from wire to wire this year and Vegas oddsmakers have made the team a prohibitive favorite to win it all.

 

Aerated Terrorist Wishes He Never Heard About Allah In The First Place

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terrorist5

 

PARIS – (CT&P) – Criminal mastermind and cheese-dicked cretin Abdelhamid Abaaoud told Wolf Blitzer on CNN this afternoon that if he knew what he knows now, he never would have become a terrorist in the first place.

“I wish I’d never heard of Allah, Muhammad, or all that other bullshit,” said Abaaoud, in between blood-curdling screams.

Blitzer reached Abaaoud by phone as he was enduring his first day of infinity in Hades.

Abaaoud, a dedicated member of ISIS, had expected 72 virgins in Paradise.

“Instead, I’m floating in this fucking lake of fire and having my flesh burned off over and over again,” groaned the filthy goat-fucking savage.

Police found Abaaoud’s body Wednesday in an apartment building in Saint-Denis, but it took some time to identify the 27-year-old using his fingerprints because very little of him was left. It was not clear how he died because portions of his limbs were blown off and he appeared to have been struck by about a million fucking bullets.

Three police officials have told The Associated Press that a woman who died in the same police raid Wednesday was Abaaoud’s cousin. One said the woman, Hasna Aitboulahcen, is believed to have detonated a suicide vest in the building after a brief conversation with police officers. It was not clear if she had any role in the attacks.

Ms Aitboulahcen, who was with Abaaoud in Hell during the phone interview with CNN, also regretted having in any way been associated with Islam.

“I could kick Abdelhamid’s well-done butt right about now,” she said. “That dickhead got me involved in all this shit to begin with. I expected a reward in Heaven and now I can’t even find my ass with both hands!”

Abaaoud is expected to finish up with orientation sometime this evening and will be looking forward to having a capsicum coated pineapple shoved up his ass every five minutes for the next week before descending deeper into the depths to receive some truly serious punishment.

Country Founded On Christian Principles Rejects Widows And Orphans

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syriankid

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The United States of America, a country founded by men whose paramount concern was forming a nation built on the principles of the New Testament, is desperately trying to deny entrance to widows and orphans fleeing war and oppression at the hands of stone age savages.

The effort is being led by members of the Jesus-loving right, but plenty of Democrats worried about reelection are jumping on the bandwagon as well.

Presidential candidates Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, and Chris Christie, as well as governors from 31 states, are leading the charge to prevent the dangerous-as-hell refugees from entering our beloved country.

“You never know when a five-year-old might have swallowed a cluster bomb and be biding his time to set it off,” said Governor Christie, as he slammed a 5000 calorie cheeseburger from Hardees.

Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz both support a vigorous Inquisition-style verification of religious beliefs before we let anyone into the country that might even smell of Islam.

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Jeb Bush has proposed the formation of a new federal agency headed by Dick Cheney that would hang refugees by their thumbs until they admitted they didn’t love Jesus.

“We just can’t take the risk that someone who doesn’t love Jesus be allowed in our country,” said Bush. “It’s the way the Founders wanted it. I propose that we enlist Dick Cheney, who served my brother well, to torture these women and children and find out just whose side their on!”

Ted Cruz, who recently graduated from fifth grade, agreed.

“I’m officially challenging the Antichrist Obama to a duel,” he said, as he wiped milk chocolate off his cheek.

“We can’t sit around and watch while our government shows compassion to a bunch of filthy foreigners. Just look what happened when all those Central American kids spread Ebola all over the country! I tell you it’s disgraceful, and Jesus is nauseated.”

The House of Representatives, not to be outdone, is set to approve a bill today that would in effect prevent or at least pause the trickle of Syrian and Iraqi refugees entering the United States.

When the House chaplain quoted James 1:27: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world,” during his prayer this morning, Speaker Ryan replied that anyone who wanted to go visit a bunch of fucking Muslims could go visit them in camps in the Middle East.

President Obama has vowed to veto the legislation. It seems that the only Christian left in Washington is the one the religious right thinks is the Antichrist.

 

Satan Praises GOP Lawmakers

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satanhappppy

 

THE RIVER STYX, HELL – Satan made time in his busy schedule this morning to praise GOP governors, lawmakers, and presidential candidates for their swift condemnation of the Syrian refugee program over the last few days.

“There’s nothing I like more than a bunch of hypocrites,” said the Prince of Darkness, as he addressed a crowd of journalists gathered around the Gates of Hell.

“I just love it that these guys are rejecting widows and orphans from a war-torn land. It really warms the cockles of my heart, which were pretty fucking hot to begin with.”

Mephistopheles expressed his delight that Republicans had convinced a large portion of the American public, as well as some Democrat politicians, to support them in an effort to show the Christian Right’s true colors.

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The Prince of Darkness had to cut the press conference short because he is scheduled to speak at a fundraiser for Ted Cruz this evening.

“Why do you think Heaven has so many vacancies and we’re always packed?” chuckled Lucifer.

“It’s because it’s always easier to talk a good game rather than live it. Heaven is about as sparsely populated as North Dakota for God’s sake, even with all that free advertising Jesus gets.

“I’ll tell you one thing, it’s easier to yell at some poor woman as she goes into Planned Parenthood to get a breast exam than it is to actually show compassion for the less fortunate. We count on that down here.”

Beelzebub cut the presser short, telling reporters that he had to hustle because he was attending a meeting with ISIS leaders today before duties as the keynote speaker at a fundraiser for Ted Cruz early this evening.