Category Archives: religion

God Crushes 12 Schoolgirls To Death Because He Is An All Loving Deity Who Works In Mysterious Ways

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godfoot

KABUL – (CT&P) -Twelve Afghan girls were crushed to death in a stampede of terrified pupils fleeing their school as a massive earthquake killed at least 300 people in Afghanistan and neighboring Pakistan yesterday, Philip Sherwell, Asia Editor, Ali M Latifi in Kabul and Mohammad Zubair Khan in Islamabad report.

The death toll is expected to rise significantly as aid workers struggle to reach its epicenter in a remote region with poor communications in the Hindu Kush mountain range of north-eastern Afghanistan.

The tremor measured a 7.5 magnitude on the Richter scale, with its shock waves reaching as far away as the Indian capital New Delhi and unleashing panic in major Pakistani and Afghan cities.

The earthquake did, however, take place under a sparsely-populated region at an estimated depth of 130 miles, potentially limiting the number of casualties.

God offered no explanation for why he unleashed the killer quake and took the lives of hundreds of innocent people going about their daily routine. However, religious leaders in the United States postulate that he did it because the people who live in the region are filthy Muslims who don’t love Jesus.

Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club Show that God had his reasons for the mass slaughter, just like he has his reasons for letting three to five million children starve to death each year.

“We can’t be sure, but I’m betting that God is just fed up with a bunch of people who believe in the wrong holy book,” said Robertson, as his head lolled to one side and drool rolled down his chin.

“God works in mysterious and downright sadistic ways when it comes to those who don’t love Jesus. Just look at what he did to all those idol worshipers in Nepal and those voodoo freaks in Haiti. Those crazy Muslims better be glad all their daughters weren’t crushed to death or even drawn and quartered!

“No one likes to see innocent people turned into masses of protoplasmic jello, unless they’re gay of course, but it’s the price human beings have to pay when they don’t believe in the virgin birth or zombie Jesus.

“Like we always do here at the 700 Club we’re asking for donations to help the people of Afghanistan and Pakistan through this crisis. We plan on sending some barely functional highly indoctrinated white missionaries over there to tell these people just how fucked up their beliefs are. So, donate generously to our White Protestant Missionary Relief Fund so we can stop this from happening again.

Robertson guaranteed that at least 11% of all donations will go toward food and lodging for the dimwits slated to go to the region. The rest will be tied up in the purchase of racehorses and new timeshares for the 700 Club staff.

Village Idiots Endorse Carson

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bencarsonlunatic

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson picked up an important endorsement yesterday from the International Brotherhood of Village Idiots and Miscreants Union after his prediction that Hillary Clinton would be behind bars for her role in the Benghazi fiasco.

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Dullard Gumby, president of the International Brotherhood of Village Idiots, told CNN that Carson was the most qualified candidate to lead America somewhere.

“We thought it was high time we supported one of our own in the 2016 presidential race,” said Dullard Gumby, president of the union. “We share many of Dr. Carson’s values and he exhibits many of the traits that make us idiots unique; he makes weird predictions that never come true, he mumbles incoherently when asked questions about complex problems, and he makes stuff up out of thin air.”

The endorsement is one of several Dr. Carson has picked up in recent weeks.

After Carson proclaimed that “the End Times were nigh,” during a speech at the Value Voters Summit last month, he received the official endorsement of the Insecure Religious Kooks Association.

Only last week Carson picked up the support of the High School Dropouts and River Widener’s Club for his inability to tell the difference between Iran and Iraq.

Perhaps the most perplexing of the endorsements came from the Taliban this summer.

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Carson supporters are known for their belief in imaginary friends and passionate support for irrational government policy.

Because of his insistence that America should become some kind of fascist theocracy along the lines of the current government in Iran, and his constant reminders to voters that God supports his candidacy, he became attractive to other groups that claimed divine inspiration.

“It’s not that important to us which religion he’s a member of” said Taliban field commander Mullah Muhammad Hasan Rehmani Skyhook, “just as long as he forces people to follow rules written by Iron Age cretins who didn’t know enough to wash their hands after defecating.”

Although the new endorsements will no doubt help Dr. Carson secure a win in Iowa, where dim-witted Republican voters share his weird outlook on world events, it is unclear whether they will help him win the GOP nomination.

“I have confidence in our voters,” said Reince Priebus, current chairman of the RNC. “There’s no way this dunce gets the nomination. Can you imagine Carson debating Clinton or Sanders? It would be a bloodbath.”

 

Jesus Distances Himself From Christian Right

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ROME – (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly to speak with a group of American reporters following his usual brunch with Pope Francis on Sunday to emphasize that he no longer wished to be associated with the Christian Right.

The Son of God addressed the journalists from the back of his new Rapturesaurus, Steve.

“I know this gets tiresome guys, but from time to time I feel it necessary to remind you that just because a group of dimwits claim to be acting in my name, it doesn’t make it so,” said the Prince of Peace.

“It may seem obvious to you, having college educations and all, but when Dad and I say ‘Love thy neighbor,’ we don’t mean ‘love thy neighbor unless he’s black, Mexican, poor, or gay.

“Another thing that really bothers me is this group of idiots that thinks the earth is 6,000 years old. Nothing is more irritating than a group of simpletons who want to teach kids that evolutionary theory is inspired by Lucifer. I know the dude. He could not care less about evolutionary theory. He’s much more interested in things like greed, to name one example.

“Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear that I don’t support any particular candidate for president, although I do like this Jewish dude named Bernie. He sorta reminds me of me when I was young and idealistic, before I had the chance to watch you cretins in action for 2000 years.

“You guys will have to excuse me now, I’m gonna take Steve on a couple of laps around Jerusalem. It seems that there are some Neanderthals with knives that need to be devoured. Later.”

Condemnation of Jesus’ statement was swift among conservative Christians organizations in the U.S., with most saying that Jesus did not know what the hell he was talking about.

Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association summed up their reaction best when he said, “If Jesus would just read the New Testament he’d find out that God hates immigrants, poor people, and above all fags!

“They’re all going to hell no matter what Jesus says!”

 

Ben Carson To Star In New X-Files Episode

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epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

 

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Retired neurosurgeon and fantasy presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson will have a starring role in Episode 4 of the X-Files revival, which begins airing on Fox in January.

According to series creator Chris Carter, Carson will play a charismatic but criminally insane Seventh-day Adventist minister who plots terror attacks on abortion clinics, gay night clubs, and university science departments.

The episode in which Carson stars revolves around Molder and Scully trying to prevent a rumored attack on the U.S. Supreme Court.

“Originally we had written a much more complex role for Dr. Carson,” said Carter. “We had assumed that he had acting experience because we didn’t think that anyone could possibly believe the crap that comes out of his mouth. Boy were we wrong. The guy is a fucking fruitcake! So we got together and re-wrote the episode and gave him something he could really relate to. I think it’ll turn out just fine now.”

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In the much anticipated episode, Molder discovers that a mild mannered minister played by Carson is actually a Red Lectroid from Planet 10 bent on instituting a Christian version of sharia law in America. Blowing up the Supreme Court is just the first phase of his evil plan.

During an interview on CNN Variety editor Peter Bart said that Episode 4 is probably the most realistic scenario in the whole miniseries.

“The working title is ‘Idiot from Planet 10,'” said Bart.

“Basically it’s about a group of gullible white people who worship Carson and believe anything he says, no matter how ridiculous. They’ll do anything for him, including sacrificing their lives in an effort to turn America into a Christian theocracy.

“I don’t want to give away the whole thing, but I will say that Molder discovers that Carson’s church and compound is built under high voltage power lines, thus making the white folks highly susceptible to suggestion and even dumber than they normally are. It’s pretty realistic.”

Many pundits believe that the added exposure could help Carson boost his poll numbers with what can only be described as the unhinged batshit crazy base of the Republican Party.

The episode is scheduled to air in late February.

 

Christians Fail To Shut Down Government; Vow To Screw The Poor Sometime In December

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christians88

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) -With only hours to spare on the last day of the fiscal year, Congress averted a government shutdown on Wednesday by approving a temporary spending measure to keep federal agencies operating through Dec. 11.

In the House, the legislation was approved only because of strong support by Democrats — a sign of how angry rank-and-file Republicans remain over their powerlessness to force policy changes on the Obama administration.

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Christian outrage over propaganda films patched together by David Daleiden have added fuel to government shutdown fire. Rumor has it the next round of videos features Planned Parenthood employees feeding Christian fetuses to a pride of lions.

The House vote was 257 to 151, with 186 Democrats and 91 Republicans in favor. All of the “no” votes were by Republicans.

In one last display of their fury, House Republicans on Wednesday adopted another resolution to cut off government financing to Planned Parenthood. The resolution was to be sent to the Senate, where Democrats were certain to block it.

The House Freedom Caucus, a band of about 40 right-wing religious kooks who favor a Christian version of sharia law, was outraged that their attempt to deny food and medical care to the poor was again stopped by more reasonable politicians.

Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan (R-OH) told Fox News anchor Sean Hannity on his radio show today that although this attempt to wreck the food stamp program and deny poor women access to cancer screenings and low-cost contraception was blocked, another attempt will be made in December, just in time for Christmas.

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Right wing Christians are rarely accused of being the most intellectually formidable political faction.

“We follow the teachings of Jesus Christ,” said Jordan, “and Jesus hates poor people who don’t have the drive to get out there and get a job.

“He also hates immigrants, the hungry, and people who aren’t white. Our government should reflect the teachings of Jesus, and Jesus supports an America with a strong military and no social safety nets.

“Our slogan is ‘God, Guns, and Guts.’ Leave all that empathy, reason and critical thought crap to the blasphemers!”

Senator and fantasy presidential candidate Ted Cruz of Texas, who was also on the show, told Hannity that he would do his best to completely wreck the U.S. Congress and fuck up as many government programs as he could before the birthday of his Lord and Savior.

“The dream of denying food and medical treatment to the poor must never die,” said Cruz. “You have to ask yourself ‘what would Jesus do?’ and I think it’s obvious to anyone who reads the New Testament that Jesus would tell poor women to go fuck themselves. Praise the Lord!”

Over 700 Trampled To Death While In Route To Throw Rocks At Larger, More Substantial Rocks

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MINA – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that over 700 religious kooks were trampled to death and over 900 were injured yesterday in a stampede during the annual “stoning the Devil” ritual in the tent city of Mina, about two miles from Mecca.

Footage obtained by CNN Arabic shows a disturbing scene. Bodies piled upon bodies, a few moving, but most appearing lifeless. Workers in hard hats and reflective vests can be seen pulling dead bodies away to get to those who are still alive.

CNN Middle East correspondent John Small Berries told Wolf Blitzer this morning that the stampede was caused by cretinous religious pilgrims at the back of the line becoming impatient with the cretinous religious pilgrims at the front of the line.

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Every year, hundreds of thousands of religious kooks travel to Saudi Arabia so they can throw rocks at a fucking wall.

“Apparently the idiots at the back thought that the idiots at the front were using up all the good rocks Wolf,” said Small Berries. “They just lost it and started crushing the folks up front in an effort to claim some choice rocks for themselves.”

The ridiculous ritual features crazy ass folks throwing pebbles at walls which is meant to simulate Abraham rejecting the temptation to spare his son Ishmael after the all-loving deity Jehovah instructed Abraham to murder him because the Good Lord was in a bad fucking mood that day.

The murder, which was called off at the last second, is for some weird reason considered something to celebrate by all three Abrahamic religions.

This is not the first time the “stoning of the Devil” concert has led to tragedy.

July 2, 1990 : A stampede inside a pedestrian tunnel (Al-Ma’aisim tunnel) leading out from Mecca towards Mina and the Plains of Arafat led to the deaths of 1,426 pilgrims, many of them of Malaysian, Indonesian and Pakistani origin.

May 23, 1994 : A stampede killed at least 270 pilgrims at the stoning of the Devil ritual.

April 9, 1998: at least 118 pilgrims were trampled to death and 180 injured in an incident on Jamarat Bridge.

March 5, 2001: 35 pilgrims were trampled to death in a stampede during the stoning of the Devil ritual.

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Fox News called the stampede the worst religious loss of life since the 2007 Interstate 40 tragedy in Tennessee. In that fiasco, a busload of retired Baptists were jockeying for position with a van full of Methodists when both vehicles slammed into an SUV carrying a Christian Scientist heart attack victim to an emergency prayer circle. The Baptists and Methodists were reportedly racing each other to a nearby Kopper Kettle for after church chow. 367 innocent people were killed in the ensuing mayhem.

February 11, 2003: The stoning of the Devil ritual claimed 14 pilgrims’ lives.

February 1, 2004: 251 pilgrims were killed and another 244 injured in a stampede during the stoning ritual in Mina.

January 12, 2006: A stampede during the stoning of the Devil on the last day of the Hajj in Mina killed at least 346 pilgrims and injured at least 289 more. The incident occurred shortly after 13:00 local time, when a busload of travellers arrived together at the eastern access ramps to the Jamarat Bridge. This caused pilgrims to trip, rapidly resulting in a lethal stampede. An estimated two million people were performing the ritual at the time.

Safety precautions put in place by the Saudi government have so far been unable to stop the carnage year after year.

“Wolf, no matter what the Saudis do this kind of stuff is just going to happen,” remarked Small Berries. “These people just love to throw rocks. They’ll throw rocks at just about anything from an Israeli tank to an adulterous woman to a passing automobile. I have no idea what causes it, but there must be something in their genetic makeup that makes these cretins fire machine guns in the air and throw rocks at things, even inanimate objects.”

Although an investigation into the completely senseless deaths has been ordered by Saudi King Salman, no one expects anything to be done to prevent future bloodbaths.

You just can’t teach an old religion new tricks.

 

 

 

 

Leader Of Catholic Church Meets With Antichrist

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obamapope

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – His Holiness Pope Francis met today with the Antichrist, President Obama, at the White House to discuss ways in which the church can delay the inevitable apocalypse brought about by his reign of terror over the American people and citizens of the world.

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After the Pope left the White House the Antichrist dropped his clever disguise as a reasonable and intelligent human being.

Before the meeting, His Holiness told reporters outside the White House that he had been monitoring right-wing websites and listening to “kooky radio talk show hosts” talk about the evils of the Obama Administration for years and thought it might be time to intervene.

“After reading about the ravages of Jade Helm 15 on various right-wing websites, which reported that the operation eradicated the Christian population of Texas, I decided it was high time someone tried to reason with that demon masquerading as president,” said the Pontiff.

No one knows what went on during the meeting, as it was conducted behind closed doors and the Pope was alone with the Son of Satan. However, afterwards the Pope had some discouraging words to say to journalists.

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Intellectuals within the Tea Party were the first to recognize that we had elected the Son of Satan to be our 44th president

“I was unable to convince the Prince of Darkness to delay the End Times,” said Francis. “He insists that he will continue to offer health care to the poor and attempt to destroy the United States through the use of clean air and water acts, and encourage free cancer screenings and the use of low-cost contraceptives among the poor at the expense of wealthy Americans. Worst of all, he says he won’t just start invading Muslim countries out of misplaced fear and hatred. I’m afraid we’re all doomed.”

For his part President Obama told the press that he really enjoyed his time with the Pope but had to say goodbye after lunch because he had plans to destroy the entire fucking country again late this afternoon.

 

 

Glenn Beck Reveals Ahmed Mohamed’s Co-Conspirator

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IRVING, TEXAS – (CT&P) – On his radio program yesterday, panic monkey, conspiracy theorist, and born-again Mormon cult member Glenn Beck announced that insiders from several previously unknown American intelligence agencies had revealed to him that they had finally determined the identity of “half bomb” maker Ahmed Mohamed’s partner in crime.

“I can now say with 100% certainty that I know the identity of Ahmed’s co-conspirator, and it’s Sasquatch, more commonly known as Bigfoot,” said Beck, as he posed in front of a nonsensical poster that featured a flow chart, a bell curve, and arrows pointing to the names of shadowy Jewish media figures, an artist’s rendering of Bigfoot at a Planned Parenthood meeting, and a long-range photo of members of the Illuminati attending a NASCAR race.

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Beck told his radio audience of over 3000 mentally deficient conspiracy theorists that this was the first time Bigfoot had surfaced since he teamed up with the Six Million Dollar Man in the late 70’s as part of a plot to discredit future President Ronald Reagan.

“You can bank on this information just like you did my predictions of worldwide disaster on September 13th earlier this month,” said Beck, as he adjusted his tin hat, “and we all know I was right about that.”

Beck claimed that after the hardened 14-year-old genius terrorist stood up to over 48 hours of grilling by the Irving Police department and the FBI, Beck’s friends in an unknown “but really important” U.S. intelligence unit whisked Ahmed off to a black site and used “enhanced interrogation techniques” on him.

Ahmed was supposedly subjected to reruns of Beck’s old programs on Fox News and tapes of campaign speeches by current mayor of Irving and ignorant slut Beth Van Duyne.

Ahmed is said to have coughed up the truth in less than two hours.

It seems that Bigfoot, after a meeting with the shadowy hierarchy in charge of removing the brains from flailing newborns at Planned Parenthood abortion factories, was supposed to meet Ahmed at an Irving Arby’s and provide the deadly explosives that would turn his “clock” into a 30 megaton nuclear device.

However, Bigfoot was unavoidably detained by a traffic jam outside a Bernie Sanders campaign appearance in Austin and missed the clandestine meeting, forcing Ahmed to go with the “innocent clock” story. The rest is history.

“Ahmed represents the tip of the iceberg of the Muslim threat we face in this country,” said Beck, as he fiddled with his super secret ballpoint pen camera. “There are training camps all over Mexico where ISIS recruits are conspiring with descendant of the Knights Templar and secret societies that send messages on one dollar bills. I tell you we are all fucking doomed!

‘In the meantime I would appreciate it if you would continue to send me money and support my various hare-brained theories so I can single-handedly save the world from people who don’t love Jesus. Thank you and good luck.”

 

Irving, Texas Bans Digital Clocks

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Digital-clock-alarm

DALLAS – (CT&P) – Dimwit, religious kook, and Irving, Texas Mayor Beth Van Duyne announced at a press conference this morning that all digital clocks currently in use within the city limits of the Dallas suburb will be seized by police if not turned in by 8:00 A.M. Central Time on Monday.

The ban was put into effect by executive order at 9:00 A.M. this morning.

“All digital clocks currently in use by businesses, churches, whorehouses, Christian militias, and the general public should be handed in over the weekend to police stationed at  collection points we’ve set up around the city,” said Van Bruyne, as saliva dribbled from the side of her mouth.

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Moronic schoolteachers and police mistook Ahmed’s clock for a Russian suitcase nuke smuggled into Irving by starving Central American toddlers during the last wave of illegal immigration, which nearly brought the entire nation to its knees.

“These clocks represent a ‘clear and present danger’ to our safety as Americans who love Jesus. We regret that this action is necessary, but it has become apparent to us that it is impossible for schoolteachers and police to tell the difference between a hydrogen bomb and an innocent digital clock used to tell time or wake your sorry ass up after a late night on the town in Dallas.”

Mayor Van Duyne’s action was deemed necessary after a brilliant young student, Ahmed Mohamed, brought a homemade clock to school which teachers and police mistook for a 30 megaton nuclear device.

Ahmed was subsequently handcuffed and dragged away by Irving’s version of jack-booted Nazi thugs, and received a three-day suspension from school for exhibiting “creativity, critical thought, and an intellect unbecoming to the Christian religion.”

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Van Duyne, an ex-cheerleader and religious zealot who suffers from several severe mental disorders, has dedicated her life to eradicating anyone who does not love Jesus. She’s been called “an unstable and dangerous ignorant slut” by the Dallas Morning News editorial board.

“We just can’t afford to take chances with these Mooslims and our electronic devices,” said Van Duyne, as she clicked a couple of ball bearings together in her right hand. “Digital clocks are mysterious gadgets and no one in Texas has ever really understood how they work. You never know when one might vaporize a city, and I’m just not willing to take a chance like that with the lives our white Christian citizens.”

Rupert McTurd, president of the Partially Sane Residents of Dallas County Civil Rights Protection League, told CNN that the ban was the result of Van Duyne’s lifelong battle with paranoid schizophrenia.

“This is the same woman that’s terrified that sharia law is going to instituted in a 95% white Christian community,” said McTurd. “She’s been out of her fucking mind for quite some time now, and the only reason she got elected in the first place is because she looks like a used up ex-cheerleader from Muleshoe, and she has roughly the same IQ.”

PSRDCCR and other civil rights groups have already filed lawsuits in federal court today to overturn the ban and have Van Duyne committed to a psychiatric facility in Radiation Flats just south of Lubbock.

 

 

 

Glenn Beck’s Sanity Reaches “Tipping Point”

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GlennBeckCrying

LOS ANGELES -(CT&P) – A team of psychiatrists, psychologists, and graduate level researchers from UCLA tasked with keeping tabs on right-wing nut jobs has released a statement saying that they believe talk show host Glenn Beck has reached the point where he could snap and break with reality at any moment.

Beck, a historical revisionist, conspiracy theorist, and all around delusional fuckwit, runs his own media company, and has long been a magnet for weak-minded members of society.

Dr. John Bigboote, who leads the team at UCLA, told CNN that the mere fact that Beck has so many followers in the United States is alarming and does not bode well for the future of the country.

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Beck has long been haunted by the idea that a space alien or Satanic demon has taken over his soul and is directing his actions. He has to constantly remind himself that he is indeed a human being.

“Beck is one crazy fuck,” said Bigboote. “He thinks the world is run by a combination of the Illuminati and some unnamed dark force that lurks just beyond the asteroid belt. He has a massive messiah complex, and when you combine that with his multiple conspiracy theories and fucked up interpretation of history, well, it makes for a volatile mixture.”

Dr. John Yaya and Professor John Small Berries, other members of the prestigious research team, agree.

“Beck spent an entire hour of his radio program interviewing Jonathan Cahn, a huckster of the highest order, about his “Mystery of the Shemitah” theory, which postulates that some massive calamity — possibly an economic meltdown, possibly a terrorist attack, possibly a natural disaster — is going to strike the United States on September 13,” said Dr. Yaya. “This kind of crap is better suited for some kind of steam punk comic book than serious television. It shows just how close Beck is to losing it.”

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Beck, considered by most reasonable people to be a raving lunatic, became too unstable even for Fox News.

“That’s right,” said Professor Small Berries. “Beck thinks that America has reached some kind of ‘tipping point’ that will push us over into certain doom. The term is taking the dim-witted, weak minded evangelical crowd by storm. You can’t swing a cat without hitting the term ‘tipping point’ on the internet. These people truly believe that civil rights for all, marriage equality, and progressive ideas such as health care for the poor are going to lead to our destruction. They’re truly delusional.”

The UCLA team is set to publish their findings in next month’s edition of Psychology Today.

“Hopefully people will listen to us this time,” said Bigboote. “We accurately forecast Urban Meyer’s break with reality but University of Florida officials ignored our warnings, and look what happened; the Gators are having trouble defeating high school caliber opponents.

“Our sincere hope is that Beck can be institutionalized and get the help he needs so badly before something horrible happens to him or his loved ones. The sooner we get this fucking lunatic off the air the better.”