Category Archives: religion

Carson Warns Jail Could Turn Davis Gay

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Image: 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)

WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Last night Republican presidential candidate and religious kook Dr. Ben Carson warned that excessive jail time could turn Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis gay.

Appearing on the Sean Hannity Show on Fox News, Carson said that Davis faced a big decision: she could either stop having sex for the duration of her sentence, or join the “dark side”and “go queer.”

The unhinged ex-neurosurgeon said that Davis’ voracious appetite for sex would very likely be her downfall.

“I’m sympathetic to her plight,” said Carson. “We all have sexual urges that we just can’t control, God knows I do. Jail time can be stressful and quite often people jump on whatever’s available when they’re incarcerated. It’s an effective stress reliever. Problem is, it sometimes it leads to lifelong homosexuality and eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

“I don’t think that Ms Davis’ habit of fucking anything that moves is suddenly going to go away simply because she’s in jail. She more than likely will come out the other end a self-described homo.”

Carson, who despite being an insane fuckwit who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old, is second in the Republican race for the presidential nomination.

 

 

God Punishes Kim Davis For Being A Rebellious Bitch

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monty-python-god

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on CNN this afternoon, God told Wolf Blitzer that he had decided to send Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis to jail for a while to “get her mind right.”

Davis, the Kentucky clerk who has defied the Supreme Court and steadfastly refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was led away in handcuffs after a hearing before Judge David L. Bunning of Federal District Court. The contempt finding was another legal defeat for Ms. Davis, who argues that she should not be forced to issue licenses that conflict with her religious beliefs.

“The court cannot condone the willful disobedience of its lawfully issued order,” said Judge Bunning, who was appointed by President George W. Bush. “If you give people the opportunity to choose which orders they follow, that’s what potentially causes problems.”

God told Blitzer that he worked through Judge Bunning to deliver his punishment for Davis, who resembles a long-haired bovine one might see in the Highlands of Scotland.

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God told Blitzer that he plans on working through both guards and inmates in an attempt to get Davis’ “mind right” about obeying authority and gay marriage.

“As you know Wolf, despite being an all-powerful being, I prefer to work in mysterious ways so no one really knows whether I exist or not,” said God.”Most of the time I just choose the appropriate mammal on the scene and have them do my bidding. Today was Judge Bunning’s turn to do my dirty work.”

God explained that despite many opportunities to do the right thing, Davis insisted on acting like a stupid, bigoted, pompous ass bitch who had no respect for the rule of law.

“I clearly stated in Romans 13 that ‘Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.'”

“Now someone like Kim Davis, who claims to have such reverence for my word, should have known better than to defy authority like she did. She can just sit her fat ass in jail til she comes around to my way of thinking. Hopefully while she’s there she’ll get some of that hideous hair cut off her head. I mean Jesus!”

God did not specify how long Davis will be jailed, but he did say that he had plans to work through several female Rowan County inmates to educate Davis on the subject of same-sex relationships.

New Information Reveals Kentucky Clerk To Be Adulterous Bovine Who Should Be Stoned To Death

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LEXINGTON, KY – (CT&P) – The Kentucky county clerk facing potentially stiff penalties for refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses has been married four times, raising questions of hypocrisy and selective application of the Bible to her life.

The marriages are documented in court records obtained by U.S. News, which show that Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis divorced three times, first in 1994, then 2006 and again in 2008.

She gave birth to twins five months after divorcing her first husband. They were fathered by her third husband but adopted by her second. Davis worked at the clerk’s office at the time of each divorce and has since remarried.

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Davis has on multiple occasions refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples and threatened to cast spells on them if they did not leave her office.

Davis has described her desire to strictly adhere to the Bible in stark terms and thus far has shown no sign of bending to court orders on same-sex marriage. She said Tuesday she fears going to hell for violating “a central teaching” of the Bible if she complies with the orders.

Davis’ struggle to exempt herself from the Supreme Court’s June decision legalizing same-sex marriage has excited some Christian conservatives but legally has proven futile: The Supreme Court refused her request Monday that the justices intervene, and a federal judge will decide Thursday whether to hold her in contempt or sentence her to be stoned to death for the whore that she is in accordance with the biblical law that she holds so dear.

Davis did not respond to an emailed request for comment, and her office’s phone line was busy throughout the day Tuesday.

The leader of the organization providing her legal representation, Mat Staver of Liberty Counsel, says he’s not sure precisely how many husbands Davis has had, or how many men she has picked up in sleazy bars and brought back to her trailer.

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Mat Staver, Davis’ attorney, said the case highlights the need for more goats and sheep to be raised in Kentucky so men would not be reduced to fighting over hideous beasts like Davis.

“I know she was married more than once – I’ve heard three times,” said Staver. “It’s a matter of fact that she’s been married multiple times. It’s also a matter of fact that this woman fucks like a rabbit. If it’s hot and hollow, she’s on it like white on rice.

Staver says “it’s not really relevant, it’s something that happened in her past-what’s really relevant here is the fact that there were four guys desperate enough to want to marry this cow. She has the IQ of a turnip and is about as attractive as a rattlesnake. Given the choice of her or celibacy, I can tell you I’m going for abstinence.”

Stavers said that according to the Bible her conversion to Christianity about four years ago wiped her slate clean. “Her past habits of jumping from bed to bed and reproducing like some kind of rodent is something that’s not relevant to the issue at hand,” he said.

“Mrs. Davis leads a godly lifestyle now centered around telling strangers how they should live their life and who they should sleep with. Since she’s been born again, she can be an odious, repellent, bigoted bitch during the week and be forgiven on Sunday. It’s a great system.”

If Davis is not sentenced to die, pundits predict that she will be removed from her post and be forced to seek new employment. Staver told Sean Hannity, a Fox News tumor and big fan of vile and disgusting individuals, that people should not worry about Davis because she currently has job offers from Chick-fil-A, Hobby Lobby, and the Taliban.

Daleiden Loses Virginity Four Years Ahead Of Schedule

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IRVINE, CALIFORNIA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show last night, 26-year-old propaganda filmmaker and insecure dweeb David Daleiden announced that he had lost his virginity a full four years ahead of his intended target date.

Daleiden told Hannity that he had given up hope of having sex before he was 30 and the encounter was completely unexpected.

“It just happened Sean, no one was more surprised than me,” said Daleiden, who had a huge grin on his face. “No woman has ever been interested in me before now.”

“In high school I was considered a loser, and girls treated me like radioactive waste. Nothing has really changed since then, but let me tell you, these films I patched, edited, and glued together from conversations taken out of context has made me a rock star with young Christian women. It’s great!”

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Daleiden told Hannity that Chastity had taken a month-long leave from her job in Atlantic City and they planned on really getting to know each other over the next 30 days. “I may be in love,” he said.

Daleiden relayed to a bemused Hannity that a young God-fearing fan had approached him after a speech he made outside the trailer that serves as international headquarters for his sham organization called the Center for Medical Progress.

“She said she admired me for what I was doing and wanted to share some of God’s love,” said Daleiden.

“She told me her name was Chastity McTart from Beaver Falls, New York and she had hitchhiked across the country to meet me and thank me for the good work I was doing for women’s health issues. I just couldn’t believe it. I really hadn’t been thinking too much about sex because I didn’t know anything about it, and I’ve been too busy for the last decade trying to sink an organization dedicated to the well-being of low-income women across the United States.

Daleiden told Hannity that although he had been obsessed with controlling women’s vaginas and their personal medical decisions for most of his life, he had never really thought about how babies are made in the first place.

“But let me tell you Sean, this fucking stuff is really where it’s at!” Had I known how fun it is I wouldn’t have wasted my time with all this bullshit I’ve been involved in for so many years. In fact, I plan on fucking a lot from now on!”

In the closing segment of the show Daleiden told Hannity that Chastity had promised give him something called a blowjob tonight and he was really was looking forward to it.

 

 

 

Carson Defends Fetal Tissue Research: “We Never Used Christian Babies”

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson passionately defended his use of fetal brain tissue in the Washington Post on Thursday. Earlier in the week it was revealed that in 1992 Dr. Carson had used fetal tissue in what many are calling monstrous research aimed at curing some of the most horrible diseases known to mankind.

Carson, a well-known kook who believes the earth is 6,000 years old and that Noah provided VIP seating for dinosaurs on the Ark, has been a vocal critic of fetal tissue research.

Last month, Carson railed against Planned Parenthood and pro-choice advocates by describing a fetus in the 17th week of gestation.

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Dr. Carson is well-known for his batshit crazy theories. In 2005 he published an essay in Christian Archaeology Quarterly claiming to have proof that fossils were placed on earth by Satan to fool humans into believing that evolution was true.

“At 17 weeks, you’ve got a nice little nose and little fingers and hands and the heart’s beating,” he said on Fox News. “It can respond to environmental stimulus. How can you believe that that’s just an irrelevant mass of cells? That’s what they want you to believe, when in fact it is a human being.”

However, according to Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN and pain medicine physician, the Republican presidential candidate published a study with three other colleagues in 1992 that described using “human choroid plexus ependyma and nasal mucosa from two fetuses aborted in the ninth and 17th week of gestation.”

She wrote on her blog:

“As a neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson knows full well that fetal tissue is essential for medical research. His discipline would have a hard time being [where] it is today without that kind of work. What is even more egregious than dismissing the multitude of researchers whose work allowed him to become a neurosurgeon is the hypocrisy of actually having done that research himself while spouting off about its supposed worthlessness.”

As soon as the revelations came to light, Dr. Carson mounted a spirited but often unintelligible defense of his team’s use of cute little unborn babies in their research:

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Dr. Carson assured his supporters that he only conducted research on fetuses from atheists and other “unsaved trash.”

“You have to look at the intent,” Carson said before beginning a campaign swing through New Hampshire. “To willfully ignore evidence that you have for some ideological reason is wrong. If you’re killing babies and taking the tissue, that’s a very different thing than taking a dead specimen and keeping a record of it.”

His defense was called confused and self-serving by media outlets, so on Thursday Carson contacted the Washington Post to clear everything up.

“Although what we were doing was absolutely unconscionable, and clearly could have been done with lizard fetuses or on a computer, I want to assure all my wacked-out supporters that no Christian babies were dissected. Our salesman from Planned Parenthood, Dr. Beelzebub, assured us that we were paying for babies that were from Muslim, Jewish, or atheist mothers.

“I think we can all agree that questionable experiments on unsaved trash, whether they be unborn kiddos or fully functioning adults, is perfectly acceptable and even necessary if we are ever going to solve the public health crisis we face in this country.

epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

Dr. Carson has overcome a lifetime of chronic constipation to become a successful neurosurgeon and Tea Party darling.

“If we are going to defeat socialism, gay marriage, and the climate change conspiracy, then we’re going to have to find a way to make sure every child emerges from the womb a Christian, and our research was aimed at making that a reality.”

Dr. Carson’s explanation for his actions has been greeted with mixed reactions.

His followers in the Tea Party have been stupefied by the revelations, but that is their natural resting state, so he is not expected to lose many votes in that demographic.

However, people with an average IQ or higher point to his hypocrisy as just another reason that he should either be institutionalized or get a job as a tour guide at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum.

According to the latest polls, Dr. Carson continues to have “a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning the Republican nomination.

Planned Parenthood Selling Fetal Tissue To Gay Labs

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Scientists looking at DNA model

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a guest spot on Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, esteemed filmmaker and respected intellectual David Daleiden told Beck that in episode six of his groundbreaking documentary on the Planned Parenthood conspiracy he will target the organization’s plot to sell fetal tissue to gay laboratories around the globe.

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Although the 26-year-old Daleiden has never had sex with another person, he is widely considered to be an expert on reproduction, women’s health, and fetal tissue research.

Daleiden explained to a profusely sweating Beck that for years hundreds of Planned Parenthood physicians, administrators, and janitors had been part of a conspiracy to sell fetal tissue from aborted babies to laboratories working on a secret “gay vaccine.”

According to Daleiden, the vaccine is part of an initiative by the Obama White House to inject young kids with a “gay virus” that would result in the rapid increase in the number of gays in the United States.

 

“It’s all part of the wider conspiracy to push the gay agenda down our throats and reduce the number of live births in America so we can more easily be oppressed by the government,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand.

 

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Daleiden said that gay laboratories, both foreign and domestic, are using fetal tissue to develop a “gay vaccine” to give to our kids in order to make them homosexuals.

“This episode is sure to blow the lid off the conspiracy once and for all,” said Daleiden. “Of course, like in the other videos, I had to do a great deal of editing in order to make Planned Parenthood look as bad as possible, and I added a few scenes from some Mel Gibson movies in order to take up the slack, but I think your audience of kooks and weak-minded conspiracy theorists will get the gist of what I’m saying.”

 

After Daleiden left so he could appear on another batshit crazy radio show, Beck praised the famous filmmaker for his courage and depth of insight into the conspiracy between Planned Parenthood, gay laboratories, and the Obama Administration.

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Daleiden told Beck that episode seven of his documentary will focus on the conspiracy to clone a gay Hitler and raise him to rule the United States after all our guns are taken away.

“I just can’t say enough about this brave young man,” said Beck, as tears rolled down his face. “To think that this conspiracy has been going on right under our noses all this time, and it took an unbalanced 26-year-old misfit to root it out! And the gays are at the center of it! I just can’t call myself an American anymore.”

Beck put his money where his mouth is by taking down the American flag on his TV show. The emotional, gut wrenching ceremony was seen by hundreds of viewers worldwide.

Beck replaced the Stars and Stripes with two flags he had custom-made by a company that caters to his insane ideas. One was a Bennington flag with “Liberty” and “Union” printed on the bottom, two words Beck misinterprets on a regular basis. The other was a depiction of a Christmas tree with “An Appeal to Heaven” written on it.

There is no word yet on whether his imaginary friend has responded to his plea.

 

 

Raptor Jesus Condemns Walter Palmer To Spend All Of Eternity Burning In The Fires Of Hell

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raptorjesus1

VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – Following his usual Friday champagne brunch with Pope Francis this morning, Raptor Jesus paused outside the Vatican long enough to tell journalists that he had “had it up to here” with both poachers and cosmetic dentists.

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Raptor Jesus’ love of animals is well-known. In Iguana 19:14 RJ said, “Suffer the little lizards to come unto me and offer them meal worms, for of such is the animal kingdom.”

“Both are the disciples of Lucifer,” said the Prince of Scales.

“Therefore I think it is only just, since he is the very embodiment of evil, that I make an example of Dr. Walter Palmer. After he has a brief, say, 15 year stint in a Zimbabwean butt-rape prison, I’m going to have Gabe pay him a visit and extradite his sorry ass to Hades.”

“He ought to have a real good time in the slam with that dysfunctional penis of his,” chuckled the reptilian Redeemer.

During a brief question and answer period after RJ was finished, a reporter from the Messianic Times commented that although everyone on earth except the soulless cretins at Breitbart and The Blaze wanted Palmer behind bars for what he did to Cecil, he didn’t understand the Savior’s enmity regarding cosmetic dentistry.

“I’ll show you why I hate their guts,” said the Ruler of Reptiles, at which point Raptor Jesus produced a brilliant smile, revealing row after row of razor-sharp teeth, each about two inches long.

“My dentist, Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey, promised me a ‘Hollywood smile,’ and this is what I ended up with. To Hell with all of them is what I say,” said the Lizard King of Kings. “Now if you will excuse me I’ve got to take off. I’m needed on Planet 10 to resolve a dispute between rival sects of sauropods.”

 

 

 

 

Daleiden: Planned Parenthood Conspiring With Space Aliens

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alien-abduction-examination

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – In his most shocking revelation to date, last night on the O’Reilly Factor David Daleiden provided video evidence that executives from Planned Parenthood are actively cooperating with a malevolent race of space aliens in order to clear the path for an eventual invasion of earth.

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Daleiden told O’Reilly that he obtained the video from a disillusioned alien outcast who had been banned from the mothership because he had associated with the wrong group of humans.

Daleiden told Bill O’Reilly that the conspiracy to hand over earth to an alien species had been hatched during the Nixon Administration and had been gaining momentum for decades.

“They’re extracting DNA from fetal tissue in order to create a race of mind-dead zombies to use as a food source here on earth,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand. “If we don’t move to defund Planned Parenthood and ban all abortions and birth control, we’re doomed.”

Although the video was jerky and appeared to be patched together from old episodes of the X-Files, 50’s era horror flicks, and home videos featuring Daleiden on some farm with a goat, O’Reilly seemed to swallow the story hook, line, and sinker.

“We can’t allow this to happen,” said O’Reilly. “We’ve got to warn ‘the folks.’ When you combine this outrage with rap music and women’s suffrage, it could mean the end of humanity!”

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Although Daleiden has never had sex himself and has no clue what the fuck he is talking about most of the time, he is certain that he knows what is best for humanity. “God only wants us to have sex once we are married and then only in the missionary position for the purpose of procreation,” said Daleiden.

“It could very well be too late,” said Daleiden. “You can see the results of the aliens’ work just by looking across the political landscape. There are whole political parties that are no more than sheep. Take the Tea Party for instance; they’re little more than mindless automatons who can’t even spell. It’s sad.”

Although none of Daleiden’s videos have proved that Planned Parenthood has broken any laws or even done anything morally wrong, he promised a fawning O’Reilly that his next offering would be absolutely earth-shattering.

“I have incontrovertible evidence that Planned Parenthood is providing fetal tissue to a top-secret lab run by Dennis Rodman in North Korea,” said Daleiden. “They’re trying to produce a master race of NBA stars. It’s deplorable and could lead to the downfall of American sports as we know it.”

Planned Parenthood Increases Price Of Fetal Tissue

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plannedparenthood109

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards announced a price increase this morning on all fetal tissue being sold by their 700 retail health and dissection centers located in the United States.

Richards emphasized that the increase only affects centers within the borders of the U.S., and that Planned Parenthood “black sites” in foreign countries can continue to set their own prices.

According to Richards, the across the board price increase was made in response to the increased demand for organs, umbilical chords, stem cells, amniotic fluid, and a variety of other fetal tissues caused by an amateurish video made by a deranged young man named David Daleiden.

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According to Richards, some of Planned Parenthood’s biggest customers are voodoo priestesses in Haiti and Louisiana who combine amniotic fluid with caffeine to produce an energy drink called “Red Kid.”

“Demand has skyrocketed since Daleiden’s video was made public, so a price increase was the natural thing to do,” said Richards.

The video, which was pounced upon by Fox News, conservative radio hosts, Christian websites, and other questionable news outlets provides unequivocal proof that Planned Parenthood is an organization made up of Devil worshipers who sell unborn babies and their parts to the highest bidders.

“We could not have hoped to get this kind of publicity; not in our wildest, fever induced, Satanic dreams,” said Richards.

According to Richards the fetal tissue and body parts that Planned Parenthood sells go to a wide variety of buyers including medical schools, drug companies, research universities, secretive private laboratories in South America, 4-H clubs, secondary schools for use in high school science projects, witch doctors, terrorists, and wealthy cannibals tired of eating adult humans.

“We have a very broad customer base that we strive to keep happy,” said Richards. “Thanks to Daleiden’s video and all the publicity it’s caused we can cut back on advertising and entertainment expenses and expand our abortion factories so we can do away with even more potential humans. It’s been a real godsend.”

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Richards told CNN that most fetal internal organs are sold to private laboratories located in remote mountainous regions of eastern Europe for ongoing research in reanimation.

Although Daleiden’s original purpose in making the video has apparently backfired, he is reported to be basking in his new-found fame.

“David is really enjoying all this,” said Daron Dimbulb, a close friend of Daleiden’s who is also obsessed with controlling women’s reproductive organs. “He never thought he would be the object of so much praise from our country’s apparently unlimited population of morons. He really looks forward to being salivated on by Sean Hannity when he goes on his show next week.”

Richards told CNN that although no more price increases are currently being considered, if demand continues to increase all bets are off.

“With the help of Our Lord and Savior Mephistopheles, we’ll be able to convince more poor young girls to get knocked up so we can rip more children out of uteruses all across the country,” said Richards. “Otherwise we’re just going to have to jack prices again. It’s a no lose situation for us.”

 

Creation Museum Unveils New Exhibit

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PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Religious kook and bigot from hell Ken Ham took time off from predicting the imminent destruction of earth at the hands of an all-loving creator today in order to announce the opening of a new exhibit at the Creation Museum.

The exhibit will feature what creation scientists believe is the first automobile made by the hands of man.

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Another creationist archeological team in Italy is confident that it will soon unearth the economy rental that St. Paul drove to Rome.

According to Ham, the vehicle, which he dubbed the “Palestine Cruiser,” was discovered at an archeological dig in Israel. The dig was co-sponsored by the Creation Museum Foundation for Making Cash Off the Weak-Minded and the Jesus Is Coming Back Soon To Kick Your Ass Fund.

Ham claims that the vehicle is the very same one that transported Jesus and three of his disciples (they drew lots and the rest had to walk) from Bethany to Jerusalem.

“The idea that the Son of God would ride a donkey into town is just ridiculous,” said Ham during an interview with Fox News.

“We always suspected that the donkey theory was wrong from the beginning. Some Biblical scholars have him riding on the back of a Velociraptor or T-Rex, but we at the Creation Foundation considered that idea silly. Everyone knows that at that time people only rode herbivores such as Triceratops  or Stegosaurus, although the “Steggies,” as we like to call them, could be rough on the old scrotum.”

The exhibit is set to open on Monday and Ham says that the first week is already sold out.

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Although Ham was disappointed that he was unable to pull the wool over the eyes of Kentucky politicians and claim tax exempt status for his ridiculous Noah’s Ark project, construction continues apace.

“We had hoped to time the opening of the Ancient Auto wing of the museum with the completion of our Noah’s Ark exhibit, but because of cost overruns and the Satanic plot to deny us tax exempt status that project has been delayed,” said Ham. “It seems to be taking us a bit longer than we thought to complete the Ark and place all the stuffed animals inside it.”

In fact, the project is taking over ten times as long as it supposedly took Noah, who according to the Bible was fucking 600 years old when he built the craft and loaded it with two of every species of animal on earth.

Regardless, Ham says that tickets to the exhibit are sold out for a full year after its completion and that Creation Construction LLC is currently breaking ground on a 1000 room hotel and casino in Petersburg so that he can house the weak-minded twits that come to see the abomination.

“Like Donald Trump says, there’s one born every minute,” concluded Ham.